@awakenjoy.life Lower Anxiety and Live a Joyful Life

Can't Stop Ruminating? Here's the Missing Piece

Thu, 23 Apr 2026 15:19:36 GMT

What research reveals about why your brain keeps going in circles — and the practical tools to finally break free

Many people believe that their rumination is driven by a terrible event — one with negative consequences that may continue into the future.

When people begin the healing journey to address the pain of rumination, they often arrive at a second realization: the problem is the rumination itself — the habitual patterns the brain has developed to go anxiously over and over the same situations. And while this recognition is a genuinely useful step on the healing journey, it is missing a critical piece.

Research has shown that the main thing that drives and maintains rumination is actually the judgments we hold about the emotions we are feeling. Understanding this is important — and it will make an enormous difference in your progress toward a more peaceful mind.

Primary and Secondary Appraisal: What Researchers Have Found

Almost whenever we experience an emotion, we simultaneously form a judgment about that emotion. Researchers call this secondary appraisal. Here is how it works:

An event occurs. You have an initial emotional response — anger, grief, sadness, confusion, or even something positive. This is your primary appraisal: the first, immediate emotional reaction to the situation.

Almost instantly, your secondary appraisal kicks in: you form a judgment about that emotion. You evaluate whether you like it or dislike it. More importantly, you judge whether you should be having it, and whether you can handle it. And it is these negative secondary appraisals — not the event itself — that drive and maintain the rumination.

Negative secondary appraisal sounds like this:

• "I cannot handle this emotion."

• "I will never get over it."

• "I am overwhelmed. I cannot cope."

• "I should not be feeling this way."

• "I should not feel this angry. That is a bad thing."

These judgments are what sustain the rumination loop. Negative beliefs about emotions generally fall into one of three categories:

1. The emotion is overwhelming or uncontrollable

2. The emotion is shameful

3. The emotion is damaging — that it could ruin you

How the Rumination Loop Works

A difficult situation occurs — and it may also be tied to something in the future you are dreading. Both the past event and the projection into the future bring up intensely negative emotion. The rumination begins: going over and over what happened, what should have been done differently, why you or someone else behaved a certain way, and how the past event will impact what happens next.

Woven through all of that rumination are the judgments about the emotions themselves — whether you can handle them, whether you should be having them, and whether you will ever recover from them. Those judgments intensify the distress. They activate your brain's fight-flight-freeze response and your anxiety symptoms, because you are so desperately trying to avoid feeling the feelings the situation brings up.

It is actually the fear of emotion that is driving the rumination — not the event itself.

Three Practical Tools to Break the Rumination Loop

Tool #1: Name What Is Happening

The first tool has four steps. When possible, write these steps down. If you cannot, say them out loud. Simply naming your emotions creates perspective and distance.

Step 1:
Identify the thought pattern as rumination. Your thoughts are going over and over a situation from the past or the future. Once your observer brain — the part that looks at your thoughts rather than being consumed by them — can step in, label the process: "This is rumination. It is not helpful."
Step 2:
Name the feelings you are experiencing right now. You might be feeling anxiety, regret about what happened in the past, dread, fear, or shame. What feelings are coming up for you in relation to the event you are ruminating about?

Step 3:
Identify what feeling you are trying to avoid. Your brain is going over and over the problem, but the main goal of that rumination is not to solve the external situation that occurred. The rumination wants to resolve things so that you never have to feel that emotion. It might be the same emotion you named in step two, or it might be a different one. Name it: "I am trying to avoid feeling shame." "I am trying to avoid feeling worthless." "I am trying to avoid feeling angry, because I think anger is bad."

Step 4:
Identify what beliefs you have about the emotions you are trying to avoid. What do you believe about your ability to handle them? What do you believe about your right to have these emotions? These are the negative secondary appraisals sustaining the loop.

Tool #2: Diffusion — Separate from the Beliefs

Once you have identified the beliefs you hold about your emotions, the next step is to create some distance from them by rephrasing them. This technique is called diffusion, and it works with the observer brain to help you stop being entirely consumed by and fused with your thoughts.

Instead of "I cannot cope with the anger I am feeling. I should not be having it," r ephrase it as: " I am having the thought that I cannot cope with the feeling of anger. I am having the thought that I should not be having it."

This rephrasing is actually accurate. Whether you should or should not be feeling anger is debatable — but it is true that you are having the thought that you should not.

Diffusion helps you loosen the grip of beliefs that may be genuinely harmful to you. It is a powerful way to step back from the cycle of completely believing all of your thoughts.

Tool #3: Treat Emotions as Information, Not Threats

This tool takes practice, but it is transformative.

Emotions provide a tremendous amount of information about what we value, what we dislike, and the world around us. Emotions are not inherently good or bad. The behaviors we engage in once we feel an emotion might be judged as helpful or unhelpful — but that is the acting out on the emotion. The emotion itself is simply a signal.

• Anxiety often signals that something matters deeply to you.

• Anger may signal that a boundary was crossed or that you felt disrespected.

• Sadness marks a real loss.

These emotions are uncomfortable and unpleasant. You do not have to enjoy having them. But if you can begin to treat them as uncomfortable rather than shameful or dangerous, you do not have to view them as threatening. You can begin to examine what information they are actually offering you — and respond to the situation rather than react to it.

I have a number of videos on what different emotions tell us, what information they are communicating, and how that can be really helpful. This is often referred to as emotional intelligence: understanding what our emotions mean and then making thoughtful, reasonable responses to them. ( Click here for emotional intelligence playlist )

Many of the beliefs we hold about our emotions developed very early in life, often from dysfunctional situations we were in as children. They are tied to our negative core beliefs.

If you would like help exploring what negative core beliefs you might be carrying, I have a free PDF — Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs — that many people have found super helpful in both identifying those beliefs and beginning to take steps to overturn them. The link will be in the description and I will show a QR code on screen as well.

Putting It All Together: What the Research Tells Us

To summarize: the rumination loop is driven by the feelings that come up for you around the event, as well as the beliefs you hold about those emotions.

To reduce your rumination, you do not need to change the emotions that come up from the event. What is needed is to accept the emotions — not fear them, not push them away. Learn to sit with them. Emotions peak and then ebb, and usually, if you do not maintain them with a great deal of thinking, they may peak and ebb within about 30 minutes or so.

The second piece is to question the beliefs you hold about your ability to handle these emotions, and about your right simply to have them. We are human. We have all sorts of emotions. Pretty much everybody struggles with difficult emotions because they are so unpleasant. But when you can move them into the 'unpleasant' category — rather than the 'horrible, I cannot cope' category — you will be able to have a great deal more internal peace.

Please comment below if you have any questions! See you next week :)

Emotional Regulation and Relationships: 5 Critical Skills to Improve Relationships

Fri, 03 Apr 2026 17:53:53 GMT

Understanding how your emotional regulation impacts others, and vice versa, can help you implement strategies to improve your relationships.

You can probably recall a time when you were with someone who was intensely anxious—and within minutes, you began to feel anxious yourself. Perhaps your heart rate increased. Your breathing became shallow. The knot in your stomach tightened.

Or maybe you remember the opposite: a time when you were with someone who was truly grounded and calm, and their presence actually calmed you down. Your shoulders dropped. Your breathing deepened. The tension you had been carrying began to dissipate.

This is not your imagination. This is emotional contagion, and it is scientifically proven.

Understanding how your own emotional regulation—or lack thereof—impacts other people, and how other people's emotional states impact you, is essential for healthy relationships. Learning emotional regulation tools can improve your relationships significantly.

Learning how to lower your susceptibility to emotional contagion can help as well.

In this article, I will explain what emotional contagion is, how it impacts relationships, and provide five specific strategies for improving regulation in your own relationships.

What Is Emotional Contagion?

Emotions are contagious. Extensive research—both behavioral research and neuroscience—shows that we pick up the emotions of the people around us. The closer our relationship with them and the more invested we are in that relationship, the more this phenomenon occurs.

This may not always feel accurate because we also tend to balance each other out. If someone is very upset, we might suppress our own emotions in response. But as I will explain, that suppression is actually part of the same dynamic.

Three Pathways to Emotional Contagion

There are three pathways that lead to emotional contagion:

Pathway 1: Automatic Mimicry

Unconsciously, when we see facial expressions in another person, we mimic them. If someone smiles, we tend to smile immediately. If someone frowns, we might make the same expression. This happens not just with facial expressions but also with voice, tone and body posture.

Pathway 2: Autonomic Mimicry

This involves our autonomic physiological system which works in synchrony with other people. Our heart rate, our breathing rhythm, and even our pupil dilation tend to mimic each other. Our nervous systems influence each other constantly.

Pathway 3: Affective Convergence

This is the convergence of feelings. When our facial expressions and body posture mimic another person's, and our physiological system aligns with theirs, we develop the same affective feelings. We end up experiencing a version of that emotion ourselves.

The Suppression Trap: Why "Staying Calm" Can Make Things Worse

If someone is extremely upset, you might calm way down. If this happens almost automatically, you are probably suppressing your emotions rather than regulating them.

Extensive research shows that when one person suppresses their emotions, it actually makes the other person more anxious.

And the person who is suppressing—while they might appear calm externally - is experiencing all the physiological signs and symptoms of anxiety or a heightened emotional state.

Even when we are trying to be the balance in the room, we might actually be escalating the emotions present. This is particularly true for those who grew up parentified. Adults who were parentified as children often feel their emotional regulation is better than anyone else's in their families. While that might be true to some extent, without substantial self-awareness and genuine emotional regulation tools, you are likely using emotional suppression, not regulation.

Where Emotional Regulation Patterns Come From

The means by which you emotionally regulate—and whether you are highly regulated or highly dysregulated—is largely due to how you were raised.

I am not saying this to assign blame, nor do I want you to spiral into worry about what you may have done to your own children. These are intergenerational patterns, and all we can do is work with the present.

However, it can help to recognize that if you feel your own emotional regulation is lacking, you probably learned from dysregulated caregivers. If you have a partner who is very dysregulated, the same is likely true for them.

This understanding allows us to remove blame and accusation from the discussion. We can approach this with compassion, recognizing that these are skills that should perhaps be taught in school or more seriously in our society—but they are not. The good news is that you can learn them now.

Five Practical Tools to Improve Emotional Regulation in Your Relationships

It truly is possible to improve your own emotional regulation and have a postiive impact on your relationships. These tools are helpful even for the partner that feels they are the one who is more emotionally regulated. And as a heads up, Tools 1 and 5 require substantial work - but gradual improvement is helpful! Tools 2, 3, and 4 are easier to implement immediately.

Tool 1: Develop Your Emotional Boundaries

Because emotional contagion is so strong—particularly if you grew up in a caretaker role in your family—it is important to begin recognizing when the emotions you are feeling are the ones you are absorbing from someone else.

Begin to visualize a see-through bubble around you which represents you and your emotional boundary. Begin to think of your emotions as existing within that bubble. And picture another bubble around the other person - give it a light, see-through color. Picture that all their emotions are within their bubble. Differentiate between what you are feeling and what they are feeling.

Bring in your observer brain to look at what you are feeling. For example...

"Wait a second. I am feeling anxious because my partner is anxious about their interview tomorrow. What is my anxiety about?"

You can begin to see whether your anxiety is about getting them to calm down so they can perform well in their interview. Perhaps you don't want them to be disappointed, or you have a vested interest in them getting a job. Once you understand why you are feeling anxious, you can apply tools to reduce your own anxiety, rather than focus on theirs.

Because if we get anxious about making sure someone else is not anxious, it simply escalates the anxiety in the room.

Part of developing emotional boundaries is understanding that other people's emotions are not ours to solve. We can be empathetic without feeling responsible for calming the other person down or changing their emotional state. Your observer brain can help you think through, "I do not have to convince them. I can recognize the impact their emotional state has on me, but I do not have to spiral into desperately trying to fix something I cannot fix."

Tool 2: Use Your Breathing Deliberately

If you learn diaphragmatic breathing and use it during difficult moments in relationships, you can keep your physiology within a tolerable range.

In EMDR therapy, there is a concept of keeping your emotions within a "window of tolerance." They can still fluctuate, but you remain relatively regulated throughout. Diaphragmatic breathing is a powerful way to help yourself do that.

When you breathe in a calm, regular manner, it is actually helpful to the other person as well. Your regulated physiology can support theirs.

Tool 3: Establish a Guideline for Taking Breaks

Put in place for yourself a boundary about taking a break from a conversation if you become too emotionally dysregulated.

What typically happens in couple relationships (and I saw this extensively during 20 years of couples counseling) is that one person is visibly out of control upset, and the other says, "We need to take a break until you calm down" (and there's usually a finger point that goes along with the "you"). Generally, this escalates the emotions in the room.

In actuality, even if you are the one who appears less upset externally, you are probably very physiologically activated internally.

There is a marriage and family therapist and researcher who has a rule: if your pulse rate is 10% above its normal resting rate ), you need to take a break. ( John Gottman, PhD, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work )

The problem with telling the other person they need a break to calm down is that it will make things worse. It feels like criticism and attack. It makes someone defensive. It increases their fight-flight-freeze response.

Instead, say: "I am having a hard time regulating myself in this moment. Can we take a 10-minute break? I will be right back. I just need 10 minutes to do some slow breathing. We can set our alarm."

You must put a time frame on it. Take a five-minute break, a 10-minute break, or if you are extremely dysregulated, revisit the conversation in the morning.

Without a time frame, the other person will feel abandoned, which escalates their emotional dysregulation. You may also be feeding into your flight mode—your reactive pattern of running away from conflict.

Set the boundary for yourself, not for the other person: "If I get too upset, I will take a mini timeout to calm myself down."

I recognize this does not work in every situation. You cannot simply walk away from a young child. But you can incorporate this thinking to develop creative strategies of your own.

Tool 4: Validate Before You Fix or Problem-Solve

One of the most regulating things you can do for someone else is help them feel truly heard. Acknowledging their emotional experience before moving to "let's fix this and problem-solve" will de-escalate their emotional response and prevent the conversation from escalating out of control.

I know I said you are not in charge of their emotional regulation—and you are not. However, knowing strategies that benefit the relationship benefits you. These are basic relational tools.

If you have a partner who has difficulty validating your emotions, and you are emotionally regulated, you can say: "I am very upset about this, but I do not want to jump into problem-solving. I simply want to feel heard."

There is an element where we sometimes have to help train people how to be in relationship with us. If you are in couples counseling with a therapist facilitating this, excellent. But if you are not, sometimes it helps to explain these concepts to your partner. Let them know what will help you calm down when you are upset. You might have to remind them, and I know that takes substantial emotional regulation on your part. But honestly, that is the big picture here: the best thing you can do for your relationships with others—as well as your relationship with yourself—is learn emotional regulation tools.

Tool 5: Practice Honest, Regulated Communication

This can be understood as assertive communication that is also compassionate.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, I understand. These concepts can seem complex and somewhat unattainable. I have an online boundary program that addresses emotional regulation as the foundation for healthy boundaries. It includes an exercise on visualizing emotional boundaries to strengthen that skill, and an entire section on assertive communication so you can set and maintain boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are not about keeping people away or controlling other people's behavior. Healthy relationships actually require good boundaries. Good boundaries are about knowing yourself—where you end and the other person begins—and knowing it is acceptable for you to have needs.

Compassionate, assertive expression of whatever needs to be communicated will help the relationship. It can be done in a way that supports your own emotional regulation and possibly helps the other person—or at minimum, does not contribute to escalation.

Suppressing your own emotions and needs will escalate the negative cycle of conversation. This is not about suppression. It is definitely not about lashing out, exploding, or releasing everything you have been suppressing because you are angry and frustrated.

If you have taken that timeout when needed, if you have been aware ("my heart rate is way up; I am in fight-flight-freeze mode"), you will not reach that explosion point because you will have taken your break and calmed down. All these steps are interrelated.

Expressing what you feel in a regulated manner keeps you in connection with the other person. Remember: it is not just what you say but how you say it, and even how you are feeling when you say it.

A statement like "I am feeling overwhelmed right now with too much to do" will enable you to stay in connection far more effectively than exploding because your partner has not done what they were supposed to do. Anytime we explode with attack or criticism, we contribute to emotional dysregulation in the room.

Bringing It All Together

Consciously keep track of your own emotional regulation
Visualize your emotional boundary
Use breathing techniques to stay within your window of tolerance, aware that you might need to take a mini timeout for yourself if you cannot stay within that window
Validate the other person's feelings, emotions, and experience.
Pay attention to: "This is me and my emotions, and that is them and theirs."
Practice assertive communication which includes compassion for yourself and the other person

This is not easy work. I know that. But what I want you to understand is that emotional contagion is real, and there are tools you can use to work with it. You can understand the other person without fully absorbing their emotional state.

We are not individual emotional islands. Each one of us impacts those around us.

Let me be very clear: Impacting others is not the same as causing their emotions or being responsible for their emotions. They are not responsible for ours. We are responsible for our own emotions and what we do with them.

Yet there is this framework of interconnectedness among us, and knowing how to work with it can improve your life and your relationships significantly.

Please share in the comments if you found this valuable. What resonated with you? What questions do you have?

Said Yes, Meant No? What to Do (for People-Pleasers)

Thu, 26 Mar 2026 15:46:55 GMT

Here is what I want you to know: You are allowed to reconsider your yes. You are allowed to change your mind. And you can do it gracefully.

You just said yes to something, and before the word is out of your mouth, you feel a sinking in your stomach and panic rising in your chest.

The word "no" is screaming in your head: No, I do not want to do this.

But it is too late. You already said yes. Or is it?

Here is what I want you to know: You are allowed to reconsider your yes. You are allowed to change your mind. And you can do it gracefully.

In this article, I will give you the exact scripts to use in different situations. But first, it is essential to understand why this happens and why emotional regulation needs to be part of this process. Because without emotional regulation, your automatic behavior will continue to take over.

Why You Say Yes When You Mean No

That automatic yes is not a character flaw. It is an automatic response, and you were probably trained very young to have this reaction.

If you grew up in a family where your needs did not matter and someone else's needs predominated, you would have learned to say yes automatically as a survival response. When we have repeated experiences—particularly when very young—that are somehow tied to our feeling of survival (even if it is survival of our sense of self, not necessarily physical survival), those experiences become ingrained deeply in the ancient parts of our brain and in our emotional brain.

These experiences become patterns: patterns that connect what is happening in the environment around us with what is expected of us, and this is then tied to how we respond.

A fawn response—an automatic people-pleasing response—is a very deeply ingrained pattern, not a character flaw. And you can get out of these patterns over time. In fact, one of the things that will help you break the automatic pattern is correcting it when it happens.

Why Emotional Regulation Is Essential

Emotional regulation and self-calming tools are needed to help you rewire this response, Without them, you are unlikely to follow through with gracefully getting out of the commitment. Doing so will feel much too stressful.

Even imagining changing your answer right now might be bringing up physiological anxiety symptoms. If that is the case, it is okay. Remind yourself that you are not in physical danger. This is no longer about survival. Then utilize diaphragmatic breathing and other calming techniques to regulate yourself so you can think clearly.

If this pattern was ingrained in you very early, creating emotional dysregulation when you go against it, you probably also developed negative core beliefs when you were very young. These beliefs can profoundly impact your ability to have healthy boundaries.

I have a free Boundary Personality Quiz that highlights the negative core belief that might be keeping you stuck—the belief that prevents you from having healthier boundaries. I also have an online boundary program where we focus on emotional regulation and healing those negative core beliefs so we can have better, healthier relationships.

The Good News: Changing Your Mind Is More Acceptable Than You Think

Changing your mind relatively soon after saying yes is generally much more acceptable than most people think.

People respect someone who can be honest about their limitations and boundaries more than they respect someone who might be resentful, who does not follow through at the last minute, or who does not follow through thoroughly.

As soon as you are able to emotionally regulate—to bring yourself down from the catastrophizing thoughts of "everybody will hate me" or "I do not have the right to do this" or "they will think poorly of me"—calm yourself and communicate that you spoke too quickly.

The longer you wait to communicate this, the more anxious you will feel and the harder it will be to do.

The 12-24 Hour Window

In working with clients as a psychotherapist over 20 years, as well as in my own experiences, I have found that going back within the first 12 hours or the first 24 hours is the easiest and most effective.

Generally, people respond well because they have not yet built extensive plans around your yes. They have not followed through with whatever parts they were going to do that depend on you. It might be an inconvenience to them. Perhaps it delays them by 24 hours in finding someone else to do what they needed done. But in general, it is not a significant problem.

Exact Scripts for Three Different Situations

Situation 1: Work

Follow up with the person and say:

"I need to revisit our prior conversation. After thinking it through, I realized I am not able to take on another commitment right now. I apologize for the change, but I wanted to let you know right away rather than commit to something that I will not be able to do well."

This works because it is professional, direct, and acknowledges the situation without excessive apologizing.

Situation 2: A Friend with a Social Event

Go back to the person and say:

"Hey, I know I said yes to that event, but I actually have too much on my plate right now. Unfortunately, I need to change my answer to no. I just do not want to overcommit and let you down later."

This is honest, friendly, and shows you respect them because you do not want to overcommit.

Situation 3: A Family Member

This is often the most difficult situation, but the action required is actually very similar. Go back to the family member and say:

"Hi, I have been thinking about the conversation we had, and I realized I said yes way too quickly. I actually cannot do that at this time. I know this is disappointing, but I needed to be honest about it upfront and tell you as soon as I could."

This works because you are acknowledging the disappointment while being clear and politely firm. This avoids being defensive, overly guilty or resentful.

Four Essential Principles Behind These Scripts

Principle 1: Do Not Overexplain

You do not need to justify why you are saying no or provide extensive reasons and background. The more you explain, the more you invite pushback and negotiation.

Principle 2: Do Not Ask for Permission

Do not say, "Would it be okay if I change my answer?" Simply say, "I need to change my answer."

Principle 3: Do Not Over-Apologize

One "I am sorry" or "I apologize" is reasonable. It is probably a slight inconvenience for the other person. Be polite, but do not over-apologize.

Principle 4: Do Not Make It About Them (Most Important)

Do not say, "You are asking too much of me," "You always ask too much of me," "You should know I do not like to do events like that," or "You should know I have too much on my plate."

All of those statements indicate that you do not feel you have the right to simply acknowledge your bandwidth—to recognize what you can do and what you cannot do. You have the right to change your mind.

When we make statements like "you should have known not to ask" or "you should know" or "you should be doing this instead," that comes from a very defensive and aggressive place where we are trying to shift blame. Nobody needs to be blamed in these situations. Nobody needs to feel guilty.

Keep it about you and your decision. Do not make it about them.

What to Expect: Three Likely Responses

After you use these scripts, here are the most likely responses:

Response 1: They Are Understanding

The other person will say, "Okay, thank you for letting me know so soon. No problem. Thanks for letting me know."

This is probably more common than you think.

Response 2: They Are Disappointed But Accepting

The person is likely to be disappointed. They might express frustration. They might not know what they are going to do. But ultimately, they are okay with your decision.

Response 3: They Try to Guilt You (Worst Case)

In the worst case situation, the person is very upset and tries to guilt you.

If this happens, it is about them and their lack of emotional regulation. You do not need to take care of their emotions. It is not your job.

This response gives you valuable information about the health of the relationship and possibly the health of that person. If this response bothers you significantly and gets under your skin, I'd suggest working on your own emotional boundaries. Learn to visualize your emotional boundaries as almost a physical thing around you: these are your emotions, and that person is having their own emotions.

Retraining Your Brain

Remember that every time you do this—every time you say no when you need to say no—you are helping to retrain your old brain that it is okay. It is okay to take care of your needs.

This is about changing a lifelong pattern. Each time you practice this skill, you strengthen your ability to recognize your boundaries and honor them.

Moving Forward

The scripts I have provided give you a framework. The principles ensure you communicate with clarity and respect. And the emotional regulation work ensures you can actually follow through.

Please share in the comments: Have you struggled with this? What questions do you have? I would love to hear from you.

Health Anxiety: When Worry Feels Necessary

Thu, 19 Mar 2026 15:07:43 GMT

You constantly check your state of health. You research your symptoms.

You tell yourself you are being responsible. Vigilant. Careful about your health. But part of you understands that the constant worry is weighing you down. Yet, you just can't imagine it is reasonable to stop paying so much attention.

Recently, I received a comment that captured this experience perfectly, and it highlights a core concept at the heart of health anxiety.

"I feel like it is such a risk to stop worrying about my health. It is like jumping off a cliff. It does not make sense."

If you have ever felt this way, you are not alone. And there is logic to this fear—your brain has convinced you that the worry is keeping you safe.

But what if I told you that the exact opposite is true? What if the worry is not protecting you from the cliff—what if the worry IS the cliff? What if the anxiety itself is the concering problem you need to address?

The Core Issue with All Anxiety

A central issue with all anxiety is that it convinces us that it is necessary.

Our anxiety wants to protect us. And, sometimes , anxiety in a reasonable amount —a manageable amount—makes sense. It encourages us to examine the problem, search for solutions, and take appropriate action.

But anxiety is driven by a very ancient part of our brain—our survival response—and it becomes entangled with our logic. We struggle to distinguish between reasonable concern and problematic anxiety.

In working with clients as a psychotherapist over 20 years, this inability to distinguish helpful concern from destructive worry was at the core of most health anxiety I encountered.

The Logic Behind Health Anxiety

Let us look at the logic of the statement "I cannot stop worrying about my health," because it does have logic:

• I have to stay vigilant about my symptoms. If I stay vigilant, I will catch something early before it becomes a much worse problem.

• It is not responsible to ignore my health issues.

• Worrying means I am being responsible and taking my health seriously.

• If I stop, something will slip through.

Your brain feels like it is supposed to do this.

The worry itself feels functional. The worry actually feels like action - it makes you feel that you ARE doing something to address a problem.

For many people with health anxiety, once they take action—see a doctor or research something more thoroughly online—they feel momentary relief. We will talk more in a moment about how that momentary relief actually feeds the anxiety cycle.

Anxiety Can Cause Hypervigilance About Your Health or Completely Avoidance

I also want to mention that many people with health anxiety actually avoid the issue entirely. They avoid thinking about their health. They avoid going to the doctor.

Anxiety can cause one to be hypervigilant OR to avoid.

However, I am assuming that most readers here are hypervigilant about their health (as those who avoid will avoid this blog!).

(If you are an avoider - let me know here or on my YouTube channel and today's video - I can create a video and blog to address that).

Research shows that the healthiest people occupy the middle ground—neither hypervigilant nor avoidant. They follow up with preventative care, see their doctor regularly, and adhere to general health guidelines. But they do not see their doctor constantly or worry excessively between visits.

The Vicious Cycle of Reassurance-Seeking

Health anxiety trains your brain to constantly scan for any possible problem, any potential symptom. When you engage in reassurance-seeking activities—consulting a doctor for confirmation that nothing is wrong, requesting additional tests, or researching symptoms online—that brief relief perpetuates the cycle.

The relief itself reinforces the behavior. Your brain learns that this is the correct response, that this is what provides temporary comfort. The cycle becomes self-reinforcing and increasingly difficult to break.

The protection your anxiety promises is an illusion. It is not keeping you safe; it is maintaining your distress.

This is what I mean when I say the anxiety itself is causing you to fall off the cliff. The anxiety itself has become the problem that requires treatment.

If this is resonating with you, I have a free webinar called Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence . In that webinar, I talk more about how we develop these patterns in our brain, how our neurobiology is reinforced by the patterns of our behavior and thinking, how those fit together with particular situations, and the best ways to change it so you can rewire that. Many people have found it incredibly helpful.

Why Stopping the Worry Feels So Dangerous

This applies to many anxiety disorders, not just health anxiety. When we focus on worrying about a problem, it feels counterintuitive—even reckless—to stop.

But consider how your brain—the primitive, survival-oriented brain—has been conditioned to seek that momentary relief. Once you understand this conditioning, it becomes clear why it feels so dangerous to stop the hypervigilance.

You are asking a brain that has been trained in one direction to reverse course entirely. Your amygdala interprets your attempt to stop hypervigilant activities as a threat.

But the fact that your amygdala registers it as danger, and the fact that it feels dangerous to stop double-checking and overchecking, does not mean it is dangerous.

This bears repeating: Just because it feels dangerous to stop the compulsive behaviors that fuel health anxiety does not mean it is actually dangerous.

This principle applies to numerous anxiety disorders. Many people who experience panic feel their panic symptoms are life-threatening. The feeling of danger does not make the danger real.

When you attempt new behaviors or discontinue repetitive patterns, resistance inevitably emerges. But behavioral change is precisely how we most effectively rewire the primitive parts of our brain.

What Actually Helps: The Complete Approach

What benefits both your physical health and your mental health is treating health anxiety as an anxiety disorder that requires the complete, integrated approach to recovery. Last week's video and blog provides a more thorough description of the Complete Approach to Anxiety Recovery ( video here and blog here).

1. Develop Your Observer Brain

The observer brain is the part of you that can step back and notice what is happening without being consumed by it. With health anxiety, the observer brain recognizes that the worry itself feels protective and safe to you. It observes the habitual patterns—the scanning for symptoms, the researching, the reassurance-seeking—without judgment.

This observer perspective allows you to see the cycle rather than simply being trapped inside it. You can notice: "I am doing that thing again where I convince myself this symptom means something serious." Or: "I am doing that again where I feel I HAVE to worry about this."

This awareness itself begins to create distance from the anxiety.

2. Use Your Logical Brain for Problem Classification

Once the observer brain has created some distance, the logical brain can engage in what I call problem classification rather than problem dismissal. This means asking yourself: "Is this level of anxiety necessary to address this situation? Do I need to be this anxious, accelerating all of these anxious feelings in my body, in order to take care of my health?"

Or can I pause, regulate my nervous system first, and then assess the actual problem with greater clarity?

Problem classification helps you distinguish between genuine health concerns that require action and anxiety that requires different treatment.

3. Implement Somatic Techniques

Somatic techniques work from the body up to calm the mind. These include progressive relaxation, grounding exercises, and nervous system regulation through diaphragmatic breathing. These tools directly counteract the physiological anxiety response that health anxiety triggers.

When you calm your nervous system, you reduce the physical sensations that health anxiety often latches onto. This breaks the cycle where physical anxiety symptoms get misinterpreted as evidence of illness, which then creates more anxiety.

4. Apply Cognitive Techniques

Cognitive techniques help you identify and challenge the thought patterns that fuel health anxiety. Ask yourself: Am I catastrophizing? Am I taking a minor symptom and imagining the worst possible outcome? Are there cognitive distortions happening—perhaps all-or-nothing thinking or overgeneralization? Am I ruminating, going over the same worries repeatedly without reaching any resolution?

All of these patterns indicate anxiety rather than genuine health concerns. When you can identify them, you can begin to respond differently.

5. Change Your Behaviors

This is the component that often gets overlooked, but it is the most important for rewiring your brain. Behavioral change means actively doing something different from what the anxiety is telling you to do.

For health anxiety, this means stopping the reassurance-seeking behaviors: limiting how often you research symptoms online, resisting the urge to ask your doctor for yet another test when you have already been cleared, not seeking constant reassurance from friends or family members.

It also means engaging in healthy activities that redirect your attention and energy: taking a walk, spending time with a pet, pursuing meaningful engagement with hobbies or relationships. You are essentially teaching your brain a new pattern—one where you can feel a physical sensation without immediately spiraling into health catastrophizing.

This retraining process is cumulative. Change accumulates gradually. Your capacity for tolerating uncertainty and discomfort without resorting to compulsive checking strengthens with consistent practice over time.

The Goal of Recovery from Health Anxiety

The goal of recovery is not to stop caring about your health. Rather, it is to relate to your health the way someone without health anxiety does.

This means attending to preventative care, scheduling annual physicals, maintaining awareness of your body—but not scrutinizing every sensation, not transforming every ache into a terrible possibility.

It means understanding that anxiety itself generates numerous physical symptoms. Learning somatic techniques to regulate your nervous system. Approaching your health with appropriate concern rather than catastrophic thinking.

The Core Concept

At its core, the fundamental insight about health anxiety is this:

Caring for your health does not require anxiety.

The anxiety , however, requires treatment.

These are two separate concerns that require two different approaches. Once you can separate them, recovery becomes possible.

I recognize this is a complex, difficult issue. Please share in the comments what resonated with you, what questions remain, and what you would find most helpful to explore further.

Anxiety Recovery: The Complete Approach

Thu, 12 Mar 2026 15:25:56 GMT

You have been doing everything right. You practice diaphragmatic breathing. You work on identifying your cognitive distortions. You try to challenge your anxious thoughts. And yet, the anxiety keeps returning.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone...

and more importantly, you are not failing.

The problem is not with your effort or dedication. The problem is that the most common approaches to anxiety treatment, while valuable, are incomplete.

Perhaps you have heard that somatic techniques are the answer—diaphragmatic breathing, nervous system regulation, grounding exercises. These are incredibly helpful, and I teach them on my YouTube channel. But they are only part of the solution.

Or perhaps you have been told that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the answer—stop ruminating, change your thoughts, identify your cognitive distortions. Again, enormously valuable work, which can create real change. But still, only part of the solution.

There are two other essential components that rarely get discussed—components that tie everything together and create the lasting change you are seeking.

In this article, I will share why the somatic and cognitive approaches help, what critical piece ties them together, and the missing piece that actually retrains your ancient brain to respond differently. By the end, you will understand the complete approach to anxiety recovery.

Understanding What Anxiety Actually Is: Which Influences the Solution!

Anxiety is both a physiological event, rooted in the body, and a cognitive event (cognitions=thoughts).

Additionally, it is a natural emotion! In some situations, a small and manageable amount of anxiety can genuinely help us focus, stay on target, and get things done. It can provide the motivation to address a problem once we have identified it.

Further, much of our anxiety is rooted in our ancient survival responses—our fight-flight-freeze responses. All of this makes anxiety complex.

But the good news is that recovery from anxiety is absolutely possible. I want to emphasize this: in my work as a psychotherapist with clients over 20 years, helping people with their anxiety was deeply satisfying because they could make substantial progress when they integrated all the components and committed to practicing the techniques.

The Two Common Approaches (And Why They're Not Enough)

Somatic Techniques: Bottom-Up Approach

Somatic techniques work bottom-up. This means they start in the body and will eventually calm your cognitions. When you regulate your nervous system through breathing, movement, or grounding, you are calming your body and eventually, thoughts begin to settle.

Cognitive Techniques: Top-Down Approach

Cognitive techniques work top-down. You begin to think about things differently, identifying cognitive distortions and reframing your thoughts. This helps your body respond with less anxiety. Even simply naming the emotions you are having has been clinically proven to lower your anxiety.

Both of these approaches are valuable. But there is something crucial that ties them together.

Missing Piece #1: The Observer Brain

There is a part of your brain that can step back and look at your thoughts and your physical feelings.

It is the part that thinks about your thoughts. It is not consumed by them. It does not believe every one of them.

It can detect patterns and unhelpful spirals in your thoughts.

It can also observe your physical symptoms and identify them: this racing heart is because you are anticipating something that you don't like, but it isn't needed.

Eventually, this part of the brain will see how your thought patterns and physical symptoms impact each other - and how they can spiral you into more anxiety OR they can spiral into a better state of mind. Helping one will help the other.

I call t his part of the brain the "observer brain."

You might have an anxious story going in your head. If you are in an anxious state, you could be totally in that thought, and your body is responding to the dramatic story, to the catastrophizing. You are almost fully living it.

But the observer brain can look at that and see what is going on: "Hey, I am doing that again. I am making up a story. My body is responding and it is not actually happening."

This observer brain also helps with the somatic piece. The observer brain might notice: "Okay, you are having palpitations and nausea. You already know this is not a medical problem. You have already had it checked out, so something triggered this. I may not know what exactly triggered it right now, but I know something triggered it. So I know I need to begin to utilize those somatic techniques."

This observer brain is extremely important for anxiety recovery.

How to Develop Your Observer Brain

Right now, even as you are reading this, your observer brain is developing.

Psychotherapy helps you become more aware of your thought patterns and helps develop the observer brain.

Mindfulness meditation is one of the best techniques to develop the observer brain. I know this is challenging for many people, but it is possible even if you have anxiety. When you sit in mindfulness meditation, you become acutely aware of your habitual thought patterns and how those patterns impact you somatically. Or if you tend to experience things somatically first (which many people do), you will begin to see how those somatic feelings trigger anxious thoughts.

Essentially, anything that helps you observe your patterns in a non-critical wa y will strengthen this observer brain.

Missing Piece #2: Behavior Change (The Most Important Element)

The second thing that gets left out of the conversation a lot is this: it is actually changes in your behavior that retrain your old brain, your amygdala.

Your amygdala does not really respond to logic. Even your emotional brain—you can think of it like a puppy's brain. If you talk to a puppy and tell it to calm down, it is not going to respond well. If you get down on the floor and hug it, it will respond better. However, if you are guiding it and teaching it the behaviors that will help it be calmer, that will be the most effective.

Cognitive behavioral therapy does incorporate behavior change, but it seems—particularly in popular media—that everybody has translated CBT into cognitions and forgotten that behavior piece.

But the research shows that with almost all anxiety types, changing behavior is the most important element.

Behavior Change in Action: Specific Examples

Using your cognitive brain and your observer brain (which is much less judgmental), identify what behaviors contribute to any kind of compulsive anxiety cycle you might have.

Health Anxiety

If you have health anxiety, you might compulsively research different somatic symptoms and health issues. It might give you temporary relief to do that, but that temporary relief maintains a cycle of anxiety and compulsive behavior. That would be a behavior to identify and begin to say, "Okay, cannot go there."

Agoraphobia

If you have agoraphobia, you begin to avoid leaving your house. I know this sounds challenging, and I do not mean to minimize the difficulty, but long-term change and recovery will require you to gradually leave your house. That is why exposure therapy is so critically important for panic attacks, agoraphobia, and other anxiety disorders.

OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)

The gold standard for OCD treatment is ERP—exposure and response prevention. This focuses on increasing the person's tolerance for feeling the anxiety gradually and then preventing the response which tends to give the person relief.

A classic example is somebody who washes their hands too much and is worried about germs or disease or giving somebody else a disease. The anxiety builds and builds until the person engages in the compulsive action (hand-washing), which gives them relief. But this simply maintains the cycle.

Panic Attacks and Interoceptive Exposure

The concept of gradually increasing your tolerance for feelings of anxiety is also incorporated into one of the most effective therapy techniques for panic attacks, called interoceptive exposure.

Interoceptive means looking inside and identifying your sensations—how your stomach feels, how your heart is feeling, all of those uncomfortable panic symptoms that can lead somebody into a complete panic attack and spiral. And instead of reacting to them, one increases one's tolerance of them. The observer brain kicks in to say, "Okay, we know this is not dangerous. We do not like it. It is very uncomfortable. But we do not have to keep spiraling, and we can tolerate it".

Applying These Concepts to Generalized Anxiety

I am mentioning these different disorders because even if you have generalized anxiety disorder, these concepts can be incorporated into how you think about what you are tolerating (in a positive sense). What can you tolerate without jumping right into the behavior that comes out of your anxiety?

I have a free webinar called Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence that goes into more detail about how we develop this observer brain and how we bring behavior change into our lives to create lasting change in our mood. Many people have told me it is a very helpful webinar, and I invite you to join.

The Complete Approach: Putting It All Together

Keeping in mind that anxiety is a full mind-and-body issue, here is how to organize your approach to anxiety recovery:

1. Learn Somatic Techniques

These include grounding techniques and diaphragmatic breathing, along with overall means of relaxing and calming your physiology. These are the foundational tools to use.

The more you practice these grounding techniques and diaphragmatic breathing, the easier they become to access when you are anxious. If you do not practice them regularly, they will not be available when you need them.

I recommend practicing diaphragmatic breathing three times a day, five minutes at a time, and not when you are particularly anxious. This repeated practice is also a behavior that helps retrain your old brain to breathe calmly on a regular basis. Practicing the somatic techniques regularly will help you access them when you most need them.

2. Work with Cognitive Techniques

Understand what the cognitive distortions are. Begin to look at your anxious thoughts and analyze them as you step back from those thoughts. When you recognize "that is catastrophizing" or "that is black-and-white thinking," you diminish that thought's power, and you are strengthening that observer brain.

3. Develop Your Observer Brain

Remember that the observer brain is not fixed. It is not like you either have one or you do not. It is something that you develop. As you develop it, the physiology of your brain actually changes.

4. Change Your Behaviors

The true rewiring of the neurobiology of your brain is going to happen through changing those behaviors that maintain your anxiety cycles. This is where the most profound and lasting change occurs.

Moving Forward

Recovery from anxiety is absolutely possible when you take the complete approach. By integrating somatic techniques, cognitive work, developing your observer brain, and—most importantly—changing the behaviors that maintain your anxiety, you create lasting change.

Please share in the comments which of these elements you would like me to expand upon. Which items would you like to hear more about, and what questions do you have? This helps me tremendously as I develop future content. And stay tuned for a more extensive piece on the behavioral component.

Anxiety: The RIGHT Use of Logic

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 16:01:02 GMT

Can You Think Your Way Out of Anxiety? Why Logic Often Backfires (And What Actually Works)

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an anxiety spiral, frantically trying to talk yourself out of it with logic?

"The odds are so low this will happen."
"I'm being irrational."
"There's no real reason to worry about this."

You might even have well-meaning friends or a therapist who try to use the same approach, attempting to convince you that the threat is not real.

Here is the problem: this kind of logic usually backfires.

In fact, it can make your anxiety worse.

Why? Because this approach is problem dismissal, not problem classification. And your anxious brain knows the difference.

The good news is that you can use your rational brain to help with anxiety—you just need to ask it the right questions.

The Right Question to Ask Your Rational Brain

Instead of trying to convince yourself that your anxiety is irrational or unfounded, ask yourself this:

"What does this situation call for from me?"

In other words: What does this situation need? What is required to solve the problem?

This question shifts your focus from dismissing your feelings to accurately classifying what you are experiencing and what action (if any) is actually needed. To help you answer this central question, there are four sub-questions that will guide your rational brain to work with you rather than against you.

Sub-Question #1: Are the Fight-Flight-Freeze Chemicals I'm Experiencing Necessary for This Problem?

Our amygdala—our survival mechanism, our fight-flight-freeze system—is a brilliant system for survival in the face of immediate danger. Think: saber-tooth tiger chasing you.

Your survival mechanism is designed to help you react instantly when your life is at stake.

However, it is not a brilliant system for a difficult conversation, giving an important presentation, or waiting for a medical result. In those situations, we do not need our fight-flight-freeze response. We need our full brain online for problem-solving.

The use of logic here is to recognize: "Okay, all these chemicals flooding my system are not really helpful right now." That recognition leads you to say, "I need to engage in diaphragmatic breathing and somatic relaxation to calm these chemicals down."

Your rational brain can identify the mismatch between the situation at hand and your body's chemical response to it. It is not dismissing the problem—it is simply recognizing that a survival response will not solve it. But if you do not engage that rational brain to make this distinction, you probably will not take the steps to calm your nervous system.

Sub-Question #2: Is My Anxiety Actually Caused by This Problem, or Is It Caused by the Fact That I Have Anxiety?

This question focuses on problem classification. How do you know if you are anxious because you have a real problem, or simply because you have anxiety?

Here is how you can tell: If you tend to worry about, say, three problems, and then two of them go away, and suddenly you find yourself worrying about other things, then the problem is the anxiety itself.

If the things your anxiety attaches to can be in any area of your life — something happening in the world, or to your friends or family members or your work or dating life — then you likely have generalized anxiety disorder GAD. If the things your anxiety attaches to always fall into one category (like health concerns), you may have health anxiety. If it is a cycle of obsessions and compulsions, it is OCD.

People with OCD are usually very aware that their anxiety is irrational—they already have this question answered. But most people I have met with substantial health anxiety will say, "But I have to worry about my health. How could you not worry about it? This is something to worry about."

But if you find that yes, you are worried about this problem, and then that one goes away and you have another, and then another—the problem is the anxiety itself.

Identifying this helps because it leads you to ask: "What is the actual solution for the kind of anxiety that I have? How do I somatically calm this anxiety and not buy into it?" Buying into it means going over and over the problem, looking for a solution that is not addressing the real issue.

Sub-Question #3: Is My Anxiety Actually Covering Up Some Deeper Emotions That Need to Be Felt?

This can be a really challenging question for people. However, if you experience anxiety often, it is probably a cover-up emotion.

You do not want to feel sadness or grief, so you feel anxious instead.

Maybe you really dislike being angry at somebody. So instead of getting angry, you become anxious about the situation. Did you say the wrong thing? What should you say? How do you address it? You go over and over it with anxiety when at your core you are angry, or at your core you are really sad, or at your core you feel powerless. That is an emotion none of us like to feel.

Sometimes the actual solution to anxiety is to sit with those difficult underlying emotions. Acknowledging them and labeling them is scientifically proven to lower your anxiety.

Most of us do not think of our rational brain as being the part of us that is going to say, "You know what, it is really good to just sit and feel this feeling." It is somewhat counterintuitive that your problem-solving brain is not going to be problem-solving—it is going to be saying, "Just sit and feel it." But your rational brain can help you do that.

Knowing that what you are experiencing is not a threat to be denied and not a threat to be neutralized—it is actually an emotion that needs to be felt—is crucial information from your rational mind. (But keep in mind - the emotion that needs to be felt is not anxiety! It is the one under it.)

Sub-Question #4: What Do I Need to Do to Get the Best Outcome Here?

This is where we utilize the full brain to problem-solve. Your rational brain can help you identify what is within your control and what is not within your control.

Almost all excessive anxiety is about the things we cannot control. But going through it step by step enables you to say, "Okay, what is within my control to help me get the best outcome possible from this difficult conversation I am going to have, or from this medical procedure I have to go through, or this presentation I have to give?"

Sometimes the problems are even larger. But no matter what, there is a part of the problem that you have agency over, and there is a part of the problem that is outside of your control.

For most people, we really dislike those things that are out of our control. Many of us have a really hard time admitting anything is outside of our control. Admitting things are outside your control can bring you back to those difficult emotions—sadness, grief, uncertainty.

But here is something that might sound counterintuitive: the acceptance of uncertainty is actually core to recovering from anxiety. The acceptance that life is uncertain is fundamental. We have to accept that some things are outside of our control, and all we can do is focus on the things within our control so we get the best possible outcome.

Bringing It All Together

This brings us back to the right question to ask: "What does this situation call for from me?"

Make sure to use your rational brain not to dismiss the problem you are having, and not to negate the feelings you are having, but to accurately classify the feelings you are having and accurately classify the problem you are facing.

Sometimes that problem might simply be: "I do not want to accept the uncertainty that life has in it." But at least then you have identified the real problem.

Final Thoughts

I know I did not go into extensive detail about solutions for each different anxiety disorder in this post. My purpose today was to help you incorporate logic in a way that is not going to backfire and is going to help move you forward.

For more solution based blogs try these: CBT Tools for Anxiety , Calm Amygdala Hijack .

I am very curious what you think. Please share your thoughts in the comments. Let me know if this approach resonates with you or if you have questions.

Is Your Family "Too Close"? The Warning SIgns of Enmeshment

Thu, 19 Feb 2026 01:33:13 GMT

Most of us would love a close family—supportive, fun to be with, people you know really well. But what does it mean if a family is TOO close?

While closeness is wonderful and healthy, there's a point where family closeness can cross into something problematic called enmeshment.

In an enmeshed family, individual identities blur, boundaries disappear, and family members aren't allowed to truly become the individuals they were meant to be.

Here are seven warning signs that your family might be too close—and what that really means.

Warning Sign #1: Different Beliefs Equal Betrayal

Voting differently, trying out a new religion, or even having different financial priorities—it's not just that your family system disagrees with your choices. They treat those choices as an actual betrayal of them personally.

Healthy families can discuss different viewpoints and allow each other to differ, because we all do differ. But an enmeshed family requires that all family members follow the same sets of values and priorities. Deviation isn't seen as natural individual development—it's perceived as disloyalty.

Warning Sign #2: You Can't Be Happy Unless They Are

This might also apply to other family members. For example, your mom can't be happy unless everybody else is doing well—or maybe her happiness requires that they are all doing what she thinks they should be doing.

It might be that you absorb other people's emotions as if they're your responsibility.

There are important subtleties here. Of course, we're all happier when our loved ones are happy. But we can't control other people's emotions. We can sometimes influence them, but it shouldn't reach the point where we are sacrificing our own critical values and needs.

In an enmeshed family, there are usually one or two family members who absorb everybody's emotions and then try to take care of all those emotions as if it's their own responsibility.

Warning Sign #3. There's a Double Standard Around Secrets

In an enmeshed family, each individual within the system is supposed to keep nothing back from the family. If something is hidden, it would probably be seen as another betrayal.

However, you're definitely not allowed to tell people outside the family what's happening inside. This is often to hide family dysfunctions—whether that's alcoholism, mental health issues, abuse, or personality disorders.

Obviously, none of us want to spread our personal information everywhere.

But being able to confide in friends, supportive people, and therapists is very important for health and growth. Enmeshed families prevent this kind of external support.

Warning SIgn #4: Your Successes Are the Family's Trophies and Your Failures Are Their Shame

The family system will have a particular way they want you to achieve. Your achievement is not r eally about them being proud of you and happy for you in terms of you achieving the goals you have in life and living the way you want to live. It is more about it being a trophy for them that can make them feel good and look good.

Examples of this might include choosing a college major because it makes your parents happy or proud, or pursuing a career that you really do not want but you know will make them happy.

This goes beyond the normal conflicts we all have—deciding between a more secure path versus something more fulfilling. All families, healthy or not, will likely have opinions on these topics. But in enmeshed families, it is not just advice. It is "you have to do that or else we will not feel good about ourselves. It will make us look bad."

Warning Sign #5: Independence Is Punished

In working with people over 20 years as a psychotherapist, I often saw people become aware of the enmeshment in their family once they had chosen a partner in life and begun to form their own nuclear family. TThe enmeshment would be highlighted by their partner. For example, a partner might say, "I love your family and they are great, but no, I do not want to spend every single Sunday with them" or "I cannot spend every holiday with them. We also have to spend holidays with my family."

A partner might feel neglected if the enmeshed person is spending too much time with their family of origin. Yet, if the enmeshed person changes their behavior or priorities, there is a crisis in the family.

However, please be aware that there are subtleties here!

As a mom of young adults, I deeply understand that it can be very sad if one of your children moves across the country. Sometimes the choices a young adult makes might make a parent worry a little more or feel down - and that probably falls into the completely normal category. But if that young adult is made to feel like they are a bad person for the choice they are making or that they are directly their parents, then that is a significant warning sign.

(Note: This discussion does not really apply to adolescence. The struggle with adolescents is different. There is often a pull for independence from the adolescent that might feel dangerous to the parent, and a caring parent is going to pull them back. Most of my material is geared toward adults—young adults all the way up to much older adults.)

What Is Enmeshment?

Before continuing with the remaining warning signs, let me define enmeshment. An enmeshed family system is one in which people are not allowed to truly individuate—to truly become the individuals they were meant to be.

If you are new to my content, you will understand that I am not a big fan of the slogans and easy answers you often get online, because these things are not simple. But I want to give you the concepts to begin thinking about so you can decide what is the next step for you to grow, heal, and become the individual you want to be.

Warning Sign #6: Someone in Your Family Is Playing the Wrong Role

For example, perhaps a child is being a parent to the parent, or maybe one of the two parents is a parent to the other parent. Or perhaps there is too much emotional sharing from a parent to a child, where a child is inappropriately made a confidant of the parent.

In enmeshed families, roles develop usually when the child is very young. That child will develop into a particular role, and these roles are rigidly enforced by the family system. People are not llowed to grow and change outside of those roles.

Warning Sign #7: Control Is Disguised as Concern

Concern is lovely. We all have concerns about loved ones and their choices. We might even sometimes express those concerns. But we are not harping on them, repeating them, threatening relationship cutoffs, or taking them super personally. We are not employing manipulative tactics to get the person to do what we want them to do.

But in an enmeshed family, the concern will be manipulative. It will be communicated and then enforced in a very heavy-handed manner.

What This Means for You

If you have recognized three or more of these signs, it is worth looking into whether your family system is enmeshed.

Now, this does not mean you have to leave your family. It does not have to mean anything dramatic other than you have named a potential problem or issue. Recognizing an issue like this is the first step toward healing and toward your own personal growth.

You can both love your family and recognize that some of these patterns are not healthy. This is also not about blaming your family, because many of these patterns are intergenerational. They have been passed from one generation to the next to the next.

Your Next Steps

The next step for you is to learn more about what enmeshment is. I have a whole playlist on this topic that you can access here . I also have videos on dysfunctional family roles—what they are, what they mean, and how you heal from them.

Just remember: closeness is wonderful, but closeness allows you to be yourself. Enmeshment requires you to hide parts of yourself, sometimes even from yourself.

Understanding this and understanding why this happens is critically important for your personal growth, happiness, and healing.

A Question for You

I am curious: Did you begin reading this because somebody else told you that they think you are too close to your family? Or were you beginning to feel suffocated by your family system? Or was there another trigger that got you to begin looking into this issue?

Please share in the comments. Let me know if you have any questions. I love to hear from you!

9 Signs You Are Stuck in a Dysfunctional Family Role

Wed, 11 Feb 2026 22:55:41 GMT

Do you feel stuck in a particular role in life, especially with your family?

Maybe you're always the one everyone turns to for help, or perhaps you're the one who always seems to cause problems no matter what you do. You might feel like you can't quite be yourself around your family, or that you automatically fall into certain behaviors when you're with them—these may even be behaviors you've decided you don't want to repeat anymore.

If this resonates with you, you're not alone. Many people find themselves operating in rigid patterns that developed in their families of origin. These patterns made sense when you were younger—they helped you navigate your family dynamics and stay safe. But now, as an adult, these same patterns might be limiting your relationships, your sense of self, and your ability to live authentically.

The good news is that recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. Here are nine signs that you might be stuck in a rigid role from your family system.

1. You Operate with a Lot of "Shoulds" and "Have-Tos"

Particularly with regard to your family, you find yourself constantly thinking: "I should do this. I should not do that. They should do this. They have to. I have to."

These thoughts and phrases reflect a rigid family system with very particular rules and roles. The constant "shoulds" indicate that you're operating from internalized expectations rather than from your authentic desires and values.

2. You Regularly Feel Guilt and Resentment

Particularly when it comes to your family system, you might feel like you have an internalized programming of guilt. Anytime you want to assert yourself or express a need, anytime you want to set a boundary or say no to something, you feel guilty.

It might even be that your very existence makes you feel guilty within the family system because it seems to create so much havoc.

These guilt feelings usually bring with them substantial resentment. You might resent the role you're forced to play within your family. You might resent the way you're treated, which might be different from how other people are treated. The resentment is tied to feeling that you're required to do something that either doesn't sit well with you or that other people aren't required to do. This connects directly to the first sign—all those "shoulds" and "have-tos."

3. You Have Automatic Behaviors and Emotional Responses

When you're around your family or when you find yourself in a situation that mirrors your family of origin, you might suddenly find yourself doing something you've really decided you don't want to do anymore. Whether that's saying yes when you don't want to, exploding in anger, or shutting down entirely—these automatic responses that we develop when we're young because of the family dynamic stay with us for a long time.

These reactions happen before you can consciously choose a different response. It's as if your body and emotions remember the old patterns and fall back into them automatically, even when your rational mind knows better.

4. You Feel Your True Self Is an Inconvenience

You've probably been conditioned to feel that your beliefs, needs, and desires are actually secondary to the family system. You might hide parts of yourself from your family. You might feel like you have to present a false self to your family and perhaps in many other situations as well.

This sense that who you really are is somehow too much, not enough, or simply unwelcome keeps you from showing up authentically in your relationships.

5. You Don't Really Know Your True Self

This depends somewhat on where you are on your healing journey. If you've done substantial healing work and spent time analyzing the role you played and making changes in your behavior, you might feel like you do know your true self—you just can't let it out or can't seem to access it when you're within your family system.

However, if you're at the beginning of your journey, you might feel like you don't even really know who you are. The reason for this is that when we hide parts of ourselves from our family system and learn to do this as children, we actually cut those parts of ourselves off.

This connects to all those "shoulds," "have-tos," and "should-nots" because you can not exhibit the traits or behaviors that go with the cut-off parts.

For example, if we cut off the part of ourselves that feels needy, we might develop a belief that "I should not prioritize my needs. I should not express my needs. I should not appear needy at all." Because we learned very young that we should not be needy, that part of ourselves becomes completely cut off. Yet, we all have needs.

6. You Feel Love Is Conditional and Must Be Earned

This feeling probably extends to all your relationships, even those outside your family system. But it arose from a pattern of being within a family where you felt that love and acceptance—the ability to be cared for or valued—was tied to how well you fulfilled the family's expectations and how well you performed your role.

You learned that love isn't freely given; it must be earned through compliance, achievement, caretaking, or whatever your particular role demanded.

7. You Feel Inherently Flawed in Ways Related to Your Role

Let me highlight some of the common rigid roles within dysfunctional family systems and the deep-seated beliefs that often accompany them:

The Caretaker

If your role is the caretaker, you might have very deep-seated beliefs that "my needs don't matter" or "my needs are not as important as other people's needs." You might also believe "I can't count on anyone else" or "I'm not worthy of being cared for."

The Hero Child

If you were the hero child, you might believe that you're only worth as much as your achievements. While this might seem to the outside world like a positive trait—after all, you learned to achieve—it can actually leave you feeling very insecure, empty, and deeply lonely.

There might also be an underlying feeling that "inherently I'm worthless if I don't keep doing these things and achieving." This can create intense anxiety—even unconscious or subconscious anxiety—about what happens if you stop achieving. The fear becomes: "If I don't keep achieving, then I truly am worthless and nobody will love me, not even myself."

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat in the family generally feels like they are inherently bad. No matter what they do, they're bad—so why bother trying?

The Lost Child

The lost child probably has a deep feeling of not being important, of almost being invisible.

Changing These Beliefs:

A significant part of the healing work to recover from these dysfunctional family roles and reclaim those other parts of yourself so you can live a fuller life is healing these negative core beliefs.

If you're new to my content, I have a free PDF, Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs . It helps you identify what your true deepest core beliefs are and gives you three methods for transforming them. Many people have shared that it's been incredibly helpful.

8. You Recreate These Patterns in Your Adult Relationships

You might find yourself in midlife suddenly realizing, "I'm still playing this role now in this new family that I have." Perhaps you married someone who is just like one of your parents or siblings—or some odd combination of those. No matter what, you're still in the same role.

You might also find the behaviors that go with this role showing up in your work environment or with friend groups. Becoming aware of how and where you're recreating this pattern outside of your family system is incredibly useful for your healing journey.

9. You Feel Extreme Anxiety When You Try to Change These Behaviors

You might feel this anxiety and discomfort when you're changing the behavior within your family system, but you might also feel it when you're trying to change behaviors with a friend group, at work, or with your partner at home.

That learned and deeply embedded reactivity—whether it's anxiety, rage, or shutdown (the freeze state)—reflects the fight-flight-freeze response. Our deepest survival response can emerge when you're trying to change behaviors, even if your frontal lobe knows it's the right thing to do and wants to do it.

This deep reactivity also points toward the solution: to change these behaviors and truly begin living the full life you want, learning to calm your reactivity is critically important.

Suggestions Based on Where You Are on This Journey

If this is new information to you but you're not really sure exactly what your role is, I'd like to point you to my video and blog on dysfunctional family roles ( Video Here , Blog Here ). From that video, you can access the videos I have on all the specific dysfunctional family roles—the scapegoat, hero child, mascot, and lost child. Each one of those videos has healing steps within it.

If you're partially on your way on this journey—meaning you know what your role is and you've been trying to change it but you're frustrated either with your family, yourself, or both because you don't seem to be able to change it—I just released a video for you called " Why Is It So Hard to Change My Role? " and the blog is Here .

For everyone, I just released a video and blog that will help you break out of this restricting role: 7 Steps to Break Free from Dysfunctional Family Role video and the blog is here.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing these signs in yourself is not about shame or blame—it's about awareness and empowerment. These roles developed for good reason when you were young. They helped you survive and navigate a challenging family system. But now, as an adult, you have the opportunity to choose differently.

Please share your thoughts in the comments. Was this helpful? Which signs resonated most with you? I'd love to hear from you.

Dysfunctional Family Communication: From Unhealthy to Healthy

Thu, 05 Feb 2026 16:54:46 GMT

Understanding these communication patterns can transform how you see your family dynamics AND your own behavior

Picture this: You're at a family dinner when something stressful happens. Perhaps the roast burns, or a family member arrives an hour late without calling.

I'm guessing that you can predict exactly what will happen next. You know who will immediately start blaming others for the problem. You can anticipate who will rush to smooth things over and make everyone feel better. You've learned to expect who will crack an inappropriate joke or suddenly change the subject entirely.

These patterns might seem like fixed personality traits—as if each person was simply born that way. But what if I told you these aren't personality types at all? What if these predictable responses are actually survival strategies that developed in response to stress?

One of the pioneering family therapists, Virginia Satir, made a groundbreaking discovery. In families experiencing substantial stress—families that become dysfunctional because of internal or external pressures—people adopt specific communication styles to manage their anxiety, deal with stress, and hide their vulnerability. Understanding these patterns can transform how you see your family dynamics and your own behavior.

Why Understanding These Patterns Matters

For so many people who follow my blogs and videos, you are probably the main person in your family, if not the only person, working toward change.

Recognizing these communication styles and understanding how common they are across families can help you depersonalize both your own communication patterns and those of your family members. This awareness creates space for compassion and opens pathways toward healthier relationships.

Virginia Satir truly revolutionized the entire field of family therapy with her concepts, research, and methods of working with families. She developed a theory of family communication, identifying four dysfunctional communication styles and one healthy one. These styles were observed in family after family. She saw that each dysfunctional style hid the true feelings of the person and had hidden costs. She analyzed each style in terms of how well it respected three critical elements: the self, the other, and the context.

This framework is crucial because being healthy doesn't mean focusing solely on yourself. Recovery isn't about becoming completely self-centered. Instead, it's about finding balance between focusing on yourself, focusing on others, and respecting the context—the environment, the situation, and the particular roles of family members.

The Four Dysfunctional Communication Styles... and the one Healthy Style

The Placator (People Pleaser)

The people pleaser continually tries to calm down situations by appeasing others, accepting blame for problems, ignoring their own needs, and prioritizing everyone else's needs. Their basic operating principle is: "I will do whatever it takes to keep the peace and keep everybody together. My needs do not matter."

They are hyperfocused on others and highly attuned to the context, constantly working to keep everyone together. What is completely missing is any focus on the self.

What Is Underneath This Style

Beneath this communication pattern lies substantial anxiety, a deep fear of disapproval and rejection, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility. The placator believes "This is my job to do."

The Hidden Cost

The hidden cost for someone who maintains this role long-term is profound: they lose themselves. After suppressing their needs for so long, they no longer know what they want, what they like, or what they believe. They become disconnected from their own feelings, aware only of that constant sense of urgency—the urgency to placate and calm things down.

The Blamer

This communication style is easy for most people to identify — even blamers tend to believe someone else is actually the blamer.

The blamer constantly criticizes and finds fault with others. They typically adopt a self-righteous attitude of "I am the only one who knows what should be done" and "Nobody listens to me. but they should." ( It might seem like the blamer creates the most chaos in the family. This is actually not true because all the roles contribute to the dysfunction).

The blamer is focused on the self and the context. What's missing is any genuine focus on the other person's feelings, wants, desires, or needs. The blamer identifies a problem in the current situation, believes they know how to solve it, and knows exactly who to blame.

What Is Underneath This Style

Beneath this communication style also lies substantial anxiety. The person with this pattern probably doesn't truly understand their genuine feelings. Any sense of vulnerability or fear gets buried under self-righteous blaming. The defensive nature of this style ensures that no one can see their underlying insecurity or anxiety.

The Hidden Cost

A significant hidden cost of this communication style is that the blamer can never experience true intimacy, because intimacy requires vulnerability. The blamer also carries deep feelings of unworthiness, which is why they cannot accept responsibility. I know this might sound counterintuitive, but if they had a healthy sense of self, they could say, "I made a mistake here, and perhaps we could work out a new approach to this." But it wouldn't come out as blame. The blamer cannot tolerate their own inadequacies.

You're probably picking up on the theme here: all of these communication styles hide anxiety and low self-esteem, and they represent desperate attempts to control the environment. This is why Virginia Satir emphasized that these are survival strategies, not personality problems.

The Computer: The Super-Rational Person

The computer is extremely reasonable and logical. Emotion doesn't factor into their approach. They want to solve everything through pure reason. They often become irritated by how emotional everyone else seems. Their goal is to find the correct, logical answer to every problem.

What's missing in this communication style is both a focus on self and a focus on others. The focus is solely on context, reason, and logic.

People with this communication style often genuinely believe it's the right way to be. Unlike the blamer or the people pleaser, who may not truly like their own behavior (though this is usually hidden), the super-rational computer typically thinks this is the correct approach to life.

This communication style can be extraordinarily difficult for everyone because our lives and relationships aren't only about logic. Good decisions cannot be made solely with the logical brain—we need to incorporate emotion: what we're feeling, what others are feeling—all of it contributes to sound decision-making.

What Is Underneath This Style

Beneath this communication style is a desire to avoid feeling painful emotions. The computer may also want to protect others from painful emotions. This doesn't mean they're being selfish—they simply believe the solution to painful emotions is to ignore them and put them away.

The Hidden Cost

The hidden cost is that this person becomes cut off from their own humanity and doesn't understand why others find them cold. Similar to the other styles, they lose touch with their own feelings. They cannot experience true intimacy. They cannot accept their own vulnerability.

When I mentioned earlier that all communication styles contribute to family dysfunction, having someone who operates as "the computer" intensifies everyone else's patterns. The placator will work even harder to placate. The blamer will intensify their blaming because they know life isn't all about reason and logic. All of the roles escalate around each other.

The Distractor

The distractor makes jokes at inappropriate times, changes the topic to something completely unrelated to what's happening, or creates chaos in an entirely different area.

It appears that the distractor's goal is to break tension, make people laugh, and divert focus away from intense conflict. But in reality, the distractor's communication style makes it far more difficult to actually resolve any conflict. No one can address the heart of the matter, and real issues remain unaddressed.

What Is Underneath This Style

The distractor is probably unaware of their own feelings beyond extreme discomfort and a desperate need to avoid that discomfort. Since their communication is completely unrelated to what's actually happening, it misses the context. It's also disconnected from others' feelings and their own feelings, driven only by this urgent need to break tension and avoid conflict.

The Hidden Cost

The hidden cost for the distractor is that everything becomes a performance. Long-term, they likely end up feeling that nobody knows the real them—and they don't know themselves either. They never learn how to resolve conflicts, and they fail to understand their own emotions.

The Common Thread

By now, you've probably recognized that all of these communication styles have similar hidden costs for the person and reflect the same underlying issues and anxiety. This might feel discouraging, but knowing that these communication styles are common across families can be liberating.

Virginia Satir described a dysfunctional family as one under enormous stress. We also know that this stress can be passed from one generation to another along with these communication styles.

Understanding how predictable these patterns are can help you depersonalize your own style, and depersonalize how others relate to you.

This awareness allows you to move toward recovery with more compassion for yourself and for others.

The Role of Negative Core Beliefs

Before I describe the healthy communication style, I want to address something crucial: beneath each of these communication styles lies a negative core belief.

It might be "My needs don't matter" for the placator, "I can't trust others" for the blamer, and "I'm unworthy unless I'm making people laugh" for the distractor.

Healing these negative core beliefs is critically important. If you're new to my content and haven't yet downloaded my free resource, Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs , I would love to invite you to access it. Many people have let me know that is was extremely helpful for them. It will help you identify your core negative belief and it provides techniques to begin transforming that belief.

The Leveler: The Healthy Communication Style

The healthy communication style incorporates acknowledgment and respect for the self, the other, and the context.

I believe this model is essential in today's environment because we tend to swing between extremes—either "It's all about me and I have to take care of myself and ignore or even cut off my family" or "I have to pay attention only to them because they need me."

The key is finding balance. This is critically important for healthy boundaries.

The healthy communication style is open, honest, and direct.

It's based on knowledge of one's self-worth. Your self-worth is not dependent on pleasing others, controlling others, or making them laugh.

It's acceptable to be yourself. It's acceptable to feel difficult emotions. While none of us enjoy them, we can handle them. These emotions provide us with critically important information, which connects to emotional intelligence and emotional regulation.

Honest, direct communication might sound like: "I disagree with that, but I respect your opinion." Or "I'm struggling with a decision and I would love to hear your perspective. But if you don't mind, could you listen to what I have to say first so you can understand more deeply how I'm thinking about the pros and cons?"

In this type of exchange, you're engaging and connecting. You're being vulnerable but not helpless.

Much of this healthy communication is what I call assertive communication—which is neither aggressive nor passive. Assertive communication operates from the principle: I'm ok, you're ok. I have an entire section on this type of communication in my 8-week boundary course (click here for info).

Moving Toward the Healthy Communication Style

I know it might seem impossible to engage in healthy communication with your family when everyone is still operating from their established patterns. But the crucial point is this: focus on feeling good about your own behavior.

As you change, the family system will eventually change because each family member impacts the entire system. The more you grow and change, the more it can actually benefit the family system—even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Recommendations for Your Steps Forward

First, notice your pattern. Pay attention to your communication style when you're not with your existing family system. Beginning to change your communication outside of your family—in other environments—will be most helpful because it allows you to practice in settings that aren't constantly re-triggering you.

Second, practice substantial self-compassion. You developed your communication style to survive, for very good reason. You developed it when you were young, and it's completely natural that it will be deeply ingrained. Allow yourself time. We're not looking for perfection—we're looking for gradual progress toward congruent communication.

A Note on Communication Styles vs. Family Roles

I should clarify that these communication styles developed by Virginia Satir are different from the dysfunctional family roles developed by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse. Those roles—the hero child, the mascot, the lost child, and the scapegoat—are related concepts. Wegscheider-Cruse definitely built upon Virginia Satir's foundational work when developing these roles. However, online you'll often see Virginia Satir credited with creating those roles, which isn't accurate.

While this isn't critically important here, I wanted to provide this clarification, and to point you to a blog that describes the dysfunctional family roles (click here). .

I have a video on dysfunctional family roles that you might find very interesting. I also have a blog about setting boundaries with family that addresses the pushback you'll likely encounter when you begin to change.

I sincerely hope this has been helpful in understanding these communication patterns and recognizing them in yourself and your family. Remember, awareness is the first step toward change. Let me know what you think and whether you have any questions.

Break Free From Your Family Role/ The 7 Critical Steps

Tue, 27 Jan 2026 14:55:21 GMT

You have been working to change. You have read the books, watched the videos, attended therapy.

Yet when you walk into your family home, you find yourself slipping back into that old role—the caretaker, the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child.

The pattern feels as automatic as breathing, and the frustration is overwhelming.

Breaking out of a dysfunctional family role you have held for years—perhaps decades—is one of the most challenging psychological transformations you can undertake.

It is difficult, yet, it is achievable. It requires a fundamental shift in how you understand this process and what you can realistically expect. I am going to guide you through seven critical steps, and I encourage you to read through till number seven because it is rarely discussed, yet absolutely essential.

Step 1: Focus on What You Can Control

This requires a fundamental shift away from thinking about changing the family system or how particular family members respond to your changes.

Instead, redirect your focus entirely toward your own healing and growth. You have likely heard this before, but I want to explore it more deeply to help you understand why it is so crucial.

I understand the feeling: "But they will not let me change." And I know that it is not easy to face family resistance to your change.

To begin this work, shift your focus to these questions:

What do I need to heal?
What behaviors do I need to change?
What beliefs and concepts do I need to release?

Here are the specific, concrete steps.

Step 1: Analyze the role you have occupied

You might already have identifyed the role you have had, and looking into it more deeply will help you determine which behaviors you'll need to change. Then establish a personal boundary around changing that behavior. This provides clarity about what you can do differently within the family system. I will return to this with additional guidance.

Breaking out of a rigid family role is fundamentally about individuation—becoming fully the person you are meant to be.

Step 2: Reclaim the Parts of Yourself That You Suppressed

For each typical family role, there are aspects of ourselves that we suppress. We learn not to reveal those sides of ourselves to our family when we are young. Over time, we move beyond mere suppression to complete rejection of those parts.

For example, the caretaker child severs their awareness that they have needs. Their neediness becomes suppressed. The internalized message is: My job is to take care of others, not to receive care. But we all possess the need to be cared for. If you have rejected that part, healing requires reclaiming it.

The hero child who must achieve constantly to maintain family equilibrium has likely suppressed the part of themselves that resists such pressure, that simply wants to relax occasionally, that wants to play without purpose or goal.

The scapegoat has probably suppressed their own desire to achieve. Why invest effort in achievement when blame is constant and a sibling already occupies the hero role? It feels futile. Yet we all possess parts that crave recognition, and being productive helps us feel good about ourselves.

The lost child has likely suppressed the part that wants to be heard, seen, and recognized.

We all possess all of these dimensions. Healing means permitting yourself a full range of feelings and multiple behavioral options appropriate to different situations. The healing work of embracing all aspects of yourself is fundamentally important.

Step 3: Heal your Negative Core Beliefs

Each role generates negative core beliefs.

Let me address a common question: Obviously, not every family contains six members to fill each role. People frequently assume multiple roles. Sometimes, following a major family system change, your role might shift over time. But generally, the role you occupied earliest establishes the negative core belief that persists throughout life.

Those negative core beliefs might include: My needs do not matter. I cannot trust others. I cannot rely on others. I am invisible. I am unlovable. I am bad.

I have a free PDF (if you have not yet downloaded it, you can find it here: Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs ). It helps you identify your deepest core belief and provides three methods for transforming it.

Step 4: Establish Internal Emotional Boundaries

Boundaries are not solely about refusing requests, dictating how others should behave, or communicating what you will not tolerate.

The far more important boundary work is internal.

When we develop within an enmeshed family system—and rigid roles guarantee enmeshment exists—we lose the ability to distinguish our emotions from others' emotions. We absorb others' emotions too intensely and then assume responsibility for them. Either we believe we caused those emotions or we feel obligated to manage them.

The emotional boundary work is essential. I dedicate substantial time to this in my boundary program , and I will provide more information later in this article. This requires considerable work, and I will direct you to YouTube videos that can assist as well.

Step 5: Build a Support System Outside Your Family

External support is critical for multiple reasons. When you are raised within a particular system, it is hard to be confident in your new beliefs and opinions.

External validation is crucial:

"Yes, that is dysfunctional."
"No, you should not be required to do that."
"No, that treatment is not acceptable."

I want to be clear about blame. Blame perpetuates the dysfunctional system.

But awareness and fact-finding are very important.

I consistently encourage fact-finding regarding your family system, not fault-finding. Fault-finding is easier.

Fact-finding asks:

How did this affect me?
What did I internalize?
Where do I struggle to see beyond the framework I was raised in?
What rules do I still follow despite rejecting them intellectually, rules that continue driving my behavior?

For all these reasons, external support is essential. This might include a therapist, counselor, coach, or supportive friends. Building this support or identifying people who can support you in this process may require effort, but it is worth investing that time.

Step 6: Practice Assertive Communication and Discover Your Voice

Learning to communicate in a calm, clear manner that respects both yourself and others is essential.

Aggressive communication disrespects the other person. Passive communication disrespects yourself.

Assertive communication operates from the principle: I'm ok, you're ok.

Begin practicing assertive communication outside your family system. Practice with friends or other people in your life first. When you begin practicing with your family, start small—address minor issues initially.

The boundary program I offer includes an entire section on assertive communication. Numerous other resources exist, but what matters is beginning practice with the understanding that practice is necessary. It functions like exercise. You must repeat it consistently until it becomes comfortable and natural.

Step 7: Leverage the Strengths of Your Role Without the Rigidity

Every typical role within a dysfunctional family possesses significant strengths.

The goal is transforming these behaviors from automatic compulsions into conscious choices—not reflexive obligations or "shoulds," but genuine choices. This role has protected you for years, perhaps decades. It has shaped substantial aspects of your personality, and you do not need to abandon all of it.

Moving toward authentic individuation means developing the capacity to choose behaviors appropriate to specific situations at particular times, and choosing different behaviors at other times.

For example, the hero child and caretaker child have developed considerable self-reliance and strength. They likely excel at problem-solving and may be exceptional in crisis situations. But learning to trust others, learning to accept your vulnerability so you can cultivate genuine intimate relationships—not necessarily within your family of origin, but in your adult life—means releasing the requirement to always be the strong one.

The scapegoat has likely become a truth-teller. This is a valuable capacity for advocacy, both self-advocacy and advocacy for others. Many changemakers in our world - advocates for underserved populations - were scapegoats in childhood.

The mascot has developed a wonderful sense of humor and likely possesses strong skills in helping others feel at ease. That aspect of your personality need not be relinquished. It brings pleasure to many. But developing deeper relationships probably requires stepping out of that role periodically so you can address conflict directly, listen to others' difficulties without deflecting through humor, and acknowledge your own loneliness and perhaps your feeling that nobody truly knows you. Accepting your own vulnerability is essential.

The lost child has probably developed substantial self-reliance as an adult and likely possesses considerable creativity. But learning to trust others, learning to accept appropriate dependence enables you to find people you can rely on and people with whom you can be authentic, so you can express your voice and bring your creativity and special talents more actively into the world.

Additional Resources

Family systems resist change profoundly.

I released a comprehensive video and blog on this topic last week, which I will link ( Blog: Dysfunctional Family Roles: Why Is It So Hard To Change? and Video here ).

Understanding why family system change is so difficult reduces the self-blame we experience when we feel stuck. It can also shift blame away from the family system because these patterns are transmitted intergenerationally.

Depending on your current position in this journey, here are additional resources:

If you are uncertain what the dysfunctional family roles are, I have a video explaining them .

If you want to understand enmeshment more deeply, I have videos addressing that concept.

Therapy helps, coaching helps, but I recognize they are time-intensive and expensive. That reality led me to create an 8-week boundary course accessible from anywhere. The cost is probably less than two therapy sessions.

Let me share feedback from three people who completed the program - these testimonials are taken directly from the google doc I created to gather feedback:

"Your great program is really a lifechanger. It is not just a slogan."

"Everything was very helpful. I am a much different person in a good way than I was eight weeks ago."

"I have been helped to look underneath all of the unhealthy messages and negative core beliefs that I picked up in childhood and throughout my life. Really, just lots of wonderful, empowering information. Thank you so much for your compassionate and important work.""

If this material resonates with you, I encourage you to explore that course. Information is here: The Ultimate Boundary Course . Let me know your thoughts on these seven steps and whether this article has been helpful. I will see you next week.

Dysfunctional Family Roles: Why is it SO hard to change?

Fri, 16 Jan 2026 15:01:02 GMT

Have you been working to break free from the role you adopted in your dysfunctional family system, only to slip right back into it?

Do you keep finding yourself back in the same patterns, performing the same behaviors, playing the same part?

Do you feel angry at your family for refusing to accept your changed behavior?

Or do you direct that frustration inward, berating yourself for repeatedly falling into those familiar grooves?

This frustration is not a personal failing. There are well-researched, deeply rooted reasons why escaping dysfunctional family roles is extraordinarily difficult. Understanding these reasons—both the external forces that pressure you to stay in your role and the internal patterns that keep you locked in place—is essential for meaningful change. When you understand why the path is so difficult, you can navigate it more effectively.

There are reasons external to you that make change difficult, and there are internal reasons it is challenging. Let's start with the external reasons.

External Reasons Why Change Is Difficult

1. Families Are Systems, and Systems Resist Change

The most significant external obstacle is that families are systems, and systems are profoundly resistant to change. If you consider how challenging it is for you as an individual to change in any context, then imagine that difficulty multiplied exponentially when you place multiple people together in a system. The difficulty quotient explodes.

When one person changes within a system, it requires everyone else in that system to adjust. Systems inherently attempt to maintain equilibrium and sustain themselves.

When we think about the family roles that developed, we can envision being in a play. Everyone has their assigned role. Everyone wears the same costume. Everyone knows their lines. If you recently came home from holidays with your family, this will resonate because you know which person will get angry, which person will disappear, which person will criticize you, which person expects you to do everything perfectly. You know all the roles.

If you were in a play wearing your costume, and everyone had rehearsed their lines, what would happen if someone walked on stage and started doing something completely different? You would probably feel confused, possibly angry. How can they just change their role? What does it mean for my role? What if someone starts playing my role? What does that mean for me? This analogy illuminates why system change is so challenging.

Compounding this difficulty is the fact that these roles have been transmitted from one generation to the next to the next.

Dysfunctional families emerge around major stressors, whether those stresses originate externally or internally. The dysfunction develops as a response to extreme stress, and this pattern has repeated for generations. Change is possible—though the change may not manifest exactly as you envision it.

2. Family Enmeshment and Pressure to Stay in Your Role

The next obstacle involves family enmeshment and the pressures exerted on you to remain in your role. In dysfunctional families, roles become rigid and people become intensely attached to their own role and to the roles of others.

The family system employs specific tools to keep you in your designated place. Often that tool is shame—shaming you for changing your behavior or shaming you for not helping or fulfilling your expected duties. The pressure might manifest as pleading, begging, or pulling on your heartstrings. The family system has numerous strategies to pull you back into your assigned position, and these pressures are extraordinarily difficult to withstand.

3. Environmental Triggers

Another external pressure involves environmental triggers for the behavior.

You might have engaged in substantial recovery work and modified many of your behaviors. But the moment you enter that environment—perhaps simply arriving in your hometown, perhaps turning the door knob and walking into your childhood home—those environmental triggers signal to your primitive brain to return to old behavior. You may not even consciously register these signals.

We will explore this further in the internal pressures section because it relates fundamentally to how your neurobiology operates. These external triggers release an almost subconscious internal message: "You must behave that way. Do not resist. Just do it."

It is not conscious. It is not verbal. It simply happens—you move directly into the pattern.

4. The "Social Echo Chamber" (unrelated to social media!)

Once we have developed this role as a child and it has become deeply ingrained, we frequently replicate that role as adults with close friends, other family members, spouses, and our own children. We have been trained to perform this role and we seek relationships within which we can continue performing it. It functions like an echo chamber because the social pressures of all these systems reinforce your role maintenance.

I recognize this may sound discouraging, but there is genuine hope here. Bear with me till the end!

Internal Reasons Why Change Is Difficult

1. Attachment Wiring

All humans are born with an inherent need for attachment. Children depend on their caregivers for survival and safety. This attachment wiring is neurobiologically hardwired into us.

We learn very young to conform in order to maintain attachment. By conform, I do not mean conforming to your parents or caregivers, but conforming to what they required of us.

2. Neurobiological Habit Formation

This attachment wiring establishes certain patterns and behaviors that become progressively reinforced because our neurobiology becomes structured through repeated patterns and behaviors. Certain situations and our responses—both our reactions and emotions as well as our behaviors—become neurally connected. They become myelinated, allowing different parts of the brain to communicate with extraordinary speed.

We can describe this as neurobiological habit formation, and it renders much of our behavior automatic.

This explains why we choose relationships that recreate these patterns when we are adults, even when our conscious mind understands better. They are familiar. They are what our automatic brain, our emotional brain, the older regions of our brain recognize and know how to navigate.

Our brains are energy-conserving organs. When a habit exists, the brain defaults to that pathway because it requires less energy. Changing these patterns demands substantial conscious effort, but change is achievable.

3. Parts Rejection

The third internal obstacle is what I call parts rejection. When we adopt a particular family role, we must simultaneously suppress certain aspects of ourselves.

For example, if you were the caretaker child, fulfilling that role required suppressing your own needs. You had to eliminate your own neediness. Everyone possesses needs, but yours became hidden away. You may also have had to suppress your desire to play and be carefree because you were required to focus on caretaking.

If you were the youngest of four children and became the lost child, tasked with disappearing and creating no trouble, you had to suppress the part of yourself that wanted to be seen, the part that craved acknowledgment.

The scapegoat might have had to suppress the part of themselves that wanted to achieve. Perhaps because the hero child already occupied that role, or perhaps because achievement felt futile. If everyone blames you for everything, why invest effort in achievement and excellence? It feels hopeless. So you not only stop trying, but you suppress the part of yourself that would aspire to such things.

Similarly, the mascot—the child who makes everyone laugh—might deflect any controversy, attempting to make everyone feel better by changing the subject. You learn to avoid serious topics. You learn that humor is your designated response to conflict. The part of you that would like to advocate for change becomes suppressed as well.

When we suppress these parts of ourselves, we do not simply set them aside temporarily. We attempt to sever them entirely. We pretend they do not exist.

Part of healing work, which I will address next week, involves reclaiming those lost aspects of yourself. We all possess multifaceted selves, which is one of the most damaging aspects of rigid family roles. They reduce us to a single dimension, and we participate in this reduction. Not through fault, but through learned behavior. We learn to suppress these parts because it feels easier.

4. Deep Negative Core Beliefs

Related to this suppression, we develop profound negative core beliefs. We develop deep negative beliefs primarily about ourselves and secondarily about the world. These negative core beliefs persist throughout our lives until we consciously work to heal and transform them (which is possible!).

The caretaker child likely develops beliefs such as "my needs do not matter" or "I am not important." But they might also develop beliefs like "I cannot trust others" or "I cannot depend on others" or "I am the only one who can handle this." These beliefs become so deeply embedded that we continue enacting them throughout our lives.

To assist you with this, I have a free PDF called Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs . It helps you identify your deepest core beliefs—the one or two that are most fundamental for you. It also provides three methods to begin transforming them. (You can access it by clicking that link).

5. Inability to Think Outside the Box

The fifth internalized obstacle is that we struggle to think outside the box when we have been conditioned within it.

This inability to see beyond the established framework—I witnessed this repeatedly with clients throughout my 20 years practicing psychotherapy.

Even after substantial recovery work, people would revert to statements like "Well, I am truly bad" (that negative core belief IS absolutely true), or "I genuinely cannot say no in this situation with my family," or "I cannot reveal what actually happened in my home." These kinds of beliefs can profoundly limit you.

Eventually it is possible to change these beliefs, but outside perspectives are invaluable—self-help videos, books, therapy, coaching, or a genuinely caring friend.

And then, as we begin to change, we are plagued with self-doubt. We question ourselves constantly. Do I actually have the right to prioritize my own needs? Do I have the right to decline helping that family member for the 99th time this month? Perhaps refusing makes me a bad person.

The outside perspective helps with this as well as:

challenging internalized negative core beliefs,
questioning entrenched family rules,
questioning the imperative to keep family secrets, and
developing clarity about your own values and morals.

6. Your Own Reactivity

The sixth obstacle is our own reactivity. When the pressure from family enmeshment intensifies, when the family system begins shaming you or pleading with you or arguing with you, your own reactivity becomes a major impediment to maintaining your path.

Your reactivity might manifest as anxiety—intense, consuming anxiety. It might manifest as anger—you lash out intensely and later experience guilt. You might retreat entirely. Whatever your typical pattern—fight, flight, or freeze—you will likely default to one of these responses, or perhaps one you are actively working to modify. Regardless, the reactivity interferes with your ability to hold your ground.

Another manifestation of reactivity is self-doubt, which relates to the inability to think outside the box. You begin doubting yourself, doubting your behavior, your actions, your values.

Learning emotional regulation and dedicating yourself to that practice is tremendously helpful. I will expand on this next week.

7. Fear of Abandonment

The final obstacle is fear of abandonment. Though this might be better described as a deep desire for a functioning family system and acceptance. Let me explain.

Our initial attachment wiring makes us deeply averse to losing the bond with our family. If the family threatens to sever ties with you because of your behavior change, that threat is genuinely terrifying, and our fear response is profound.

Yet intertwined with this fear of abandonment is the fervent desire that they change. And even more, you probably believe they should change.

And I would likely agree with you that they should change. But that does not mean they will. Are they working on it? Are they attempting to change? Do they want to change? If they do not want to change, if they are not working on it, if they are not genuinely trying, they will probably not change. Even those of us who are actively working on change, who want to change and invest substantial effort in changing, still find transformation difficult.

Further, we desperately desire acceptance from our family, making it nearly unbearable to accept that we can change while they remain unwilling to embrace that change. I label this fear of abandonment, but perhaps it should more accurately be termed desire for attachment. It represents that profound instinctual and biological drive to maintain connection with our family of origin, which is entirely understandable. But eventually we may need to acknowledge that it will not unfold as we hope, and that realization may initiate a grieving process.

We might also be using all-or-nothing thinking—either they accept the new me or I must cut them off entirely. This will increase the fervent desire that they change.

Final Thoughts

These are the reasons transformation is so challenging. I would genuinely value your perspective. If you comment below, I will read it and may use it to inform future content. I would especially appreciate knowing whether understanding why these changes are so difficult helps you understand yourself or your family better, and whether it provides insights into what you might need to address next.

Next week, I will provide an extensive overview of how to actually transform these roles, incorporating all these factors. I sincerely hope this was helpful, and I will see you next week.

A few blogs you might find useful in the meantime: Dysfunctional Family Roles , or this playlist in YouTube: Dysfunctional Family Roles

Anxious? The Surprising Link with Disappointment

Tue, 06 Jan 2026 17:42:26 GMT

What if a lot of your anxiety is about avoiding one particular emotion?

What if the anxiety that keeps you awake at night is actually NOT about the topic you are worrying about?

What if, beneath the surface of your worries about work, relationships, health, or the future, there lies a single emotion you are desperately trying to avoid?

That emotion is disappointment.

I know this may sound overly simplistic at first. You might be thinking, "My anxiety is about real problems, not just disappointment." I am not suggesting that all your anxiety stems from disappointment, nor that it is the sole cause. But disappointment is a profoundly painful emotion that we rarely discuss openly. We go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it, often without conscious awareness that we are doing so. Whether your anxiety manifests as constant activity—controlling, planning, perpetually doing—or as withdrawal and avoidance, the fear of disappointment may be driving more of your behavior than you realize.

When Anxiety Manifests as Overdoing

For people who overfunction, who attempt to control every minute detail, who obsessively plan events and holidays that should be enjoyable, worrying incessantly about everything that could go wrong—we might call ourselves perfectionists. But consider an entirely different lens: ask yourself what the worst outcome actually is. Really drill down. So what if that happens? And what if that happens?

When we follow this line of questioning far enough with our worries, we often arrive at a simple realization: I will be disappointed and I do not want to be disappointed.

Or I will disappoint someone else and that feels unbearable.

Or perhaps I will disappoint myself.

Disappointment is an everyday emotion, yet it is one we despise. We do attempt to avoid it, which is completely understandable. But becoming aware of whether avoiding that emotion is propelling you into spirals of overwork, overdoing, or excessive caretaking is critical. If it is, then learning to sit with disappointment, to acknowledge what it is, and to recognize that all feelings ebb and flow becomes essential.

Understanding that anxiety revolves around attempting to control things outside our sphere of control can help us step back and ask: what is reasonable for me to do to pursue the best outcome here? What actions can move things in the direction I prefer? Then we must avoid getting trapped in that hamster wheel of ensuring every single detail is perfect, attempting to control things we genuinely cannot control—which includes other people's emotions and their responses.

When Anxiety Manifests as Avoidance

For those whose anxiety manifests as avoidance—and some of us oscillate between hyper-overdrive and avoidance states—if anxiety causes you to pull back and not pursue opportunities, if you feel too anxious to apply for a job so you never submit the application, or you feel too anxious about dating because they might reject you, then that anxiety is functioning as a defensive shield.

It is primarily protecting you against disappointment.

Consider this logic: if you do not apply for that job, you will not get it. The outcome is identical to applying and being rejected. But it feels fundamentally different. "If I apply and do not get it, that feels so much worse." Yet even if there is only a 3% chance of success, applying is the better choice if you genuinely want the position. But emotionally, it does not feel that way.

Begin to examine how often you are avoiding disappointment rather than something genuinely threatening. This reflection is worth your time and attention.

Why We Develop These Patterns

There are compelling developmental reasons why we create these habitual patterns to avoid disappointment. I want to emphasize that this is not criticism, and I encourage you not to use this information to criticize yourself.

We are at our most malleable and vulnerable during childhood. Our brains and personalities are shaped most profoundly by external influences during these early years. We learn about emotions from our caregivers. Ideally, caregivers would be emotionally regulated themselves and possess the emotional intelligence to guide us through feelings. Many of us, however, did not have such caregivers.

If we had a parent who became intensely anxious about disappointing others, we absorb that anxiety through observation. If we had a parent who became furious when we disappointed them, we learn that disappointing others is dangerous.

We learn that disappointment feels terrible because neurobiologically we generate chemicals that create that sensation. (I discussed the neurobiology in another video and blog , which you can access by clicking those links).

Beyond the inherent discomfort, we learn that something dangerous accompanies disappointment: either in disappointing someone else, disappointing ourselves, or experiencing disconnection from our caregiver.

In my other video/blog, I used the example of the 2-year-old and their tantrums. These outbursts are largely driven by the toddler wanting something they cannot have. They may lack the cognitive capacity to understand that what they want is dangerous or impossible. This creates profound frustration for caregivers attempting to navigate these situations.

Our patterns of responding to disappointment—whether our own disappointment, the fear of being disappointed, or the fear of disappointing others—have deep and meaningful roots in these early experiences. But we can rewire these patterns.

How to Rewire Your Response to Disappointment

Step 1: Recognize When Anxiety Is Driven by Avoiding Disappointment

To rewire this pattern, the first step is recognizing when your anxiety is being driven by the desire to avoid disappointment. Without that awareness, meaningful change is impossible.

Step 2: Think of Anxiety as an Overactive Bodyguard

Conceptualize anxiety as an overactive bodyguard attempting to prevent every single bruise. Sometimes we need bruises to learn and grow, to develop new skills, to move toward our goals. We do not enjoy bruises, but we can tolerate them. We do not require a bodyguard preventing every bump and scrape.

We can personify anxiety by envisioning a small creature on our shoulder embodying all the anxiety we feel. You might imagine yours as a bodyguard. This personification helps us separate from anxious thoughts. It helps us recognize that we do not have to be entirely controlled by them. Not all of our thoughts are valid or true.

Step 3: Know That You Can Handle Disappointment

Understand that you possess the capacity to handle disappointment. It does not feel pleasant.

But all emotions ebb and flow. If we learn to sit with the feeling—to acknowledge it, to be present with it—we can recognize: I am disappointed, and I do not have to fear this emotion.

For those who fear disappointing others, recognize that this fear does not warrant anxiety chemicals because disappointing someone else is not dangerous in the moment. It might produce an outcome that is less than ideal, but it does not necessitate a fight-flight-freeze response .

Step 4: Choose a Behavior to Change

Choose one specific behavior to change.

If you avoid situations because you do not want to feel disappointed, do the thing you have been avoiding. If you control everything compulsively, running frantically to ensure every detail is perfect, practice stepping back and refraining—which will temporarily increase your anxiety.

Changing the behavioral response is precisely how we rewire neural patterns in our brains. This is the mechanism for genuinely transforming our habitual patterns.

Living With Disappointment Rather Than in Fear of It

It is unrealistic to pursue a life without disappointment because disappointment is inevitable. It will happen. There is no strategy that prevents all disappointment.

We cannot realistically strive to achieve a life where we never experience this emotion.

But we can achieve a life where the fear of disappointment is not dictating our choices, where that fear is not controlling our behavior. We can stop it from either generating intense anxiety and harmful stress chemicals or causing the opposite reaction—a freeze response that paralyzes us.

I am genuinely curious about your perspective on this connection between anxiety and disappointment. Please share your thoughts in the comments below. I value reading your responses and often gain new insights from them. Any questions or reflections you have—I truly appreciate them. I hope you have a wonderful week.

Is It Reasonable Concern or Anxiety?

Mon, 22 Dec 2025 21:34:08 GMT

You lie awake at night thinking about a problem. Your mind keeps returning to it throughout the day. It IS a real problem. But is your approach to this problem one of reasonable concern or has it crossed into problematic anxiety?

The distinction between reasonable concern and anxiety is crucial, because if you are having anxiety, yet your mind is convincing you that you have to worry about this, you won’t take the steps to recover.

While logic alone does not cure anxiety, it is essential for identifying that what you are experiencing is in fact anxiety.

So how do you know the difference?

What Is Reasonable Concern?

It Leads to Productive Action

With reasonable concern, you are aware of a problem. You have identified a problem that requires steps to be taken in order to solve it. It may not be immediately clear what those steps are. Deciding the steps might require investigation, gathering resources, or talking to other people. The solutions to our problems are not always clear, but with reasonable concern, there are action steps. Even if that action step is gathering more information, reasonable concern leads to productive problem-solving and productive action.

You Can Let It Go After Taking Action

With reasonable concern, once you have taken those steps and those actions, you are aware that you have done what you can. This does not mean the concern will never resurface. Sometimes we have significant problems, and those concerns might linger a bit in the back of our minds. But if we can find it reassuring that we have done what we can, and we are aware that we cannot completely control the outcome, we can refocus on our lives and the important things in front of us.

It Does Not Interfere With Daily Life

The lingering concern does not interfere with our daily functioning or our sleep. It does not prevent us from being present with our loved ones. It does not take over everything.

It Is Proportionate to the Risk

Reasonable concern is proportionate to the actual risk and importance of the problem. It realistically assesses the probability of more severe consequences. We can keep the concern in balance. Sometimes we face problems where, in the worst case, the outcome would be quite negative. But those probabilities might be very small, and regardless, it still comes down to: what steps can we take now to address the problem?

How Is Anxiety Different?

Anxiety Focuses on Things Outside Our Control

Anxiety worries excessively about things that are outside of our control.

Anxiety becomes overfocused on the outcome we want or the outcome we desperately want to avoid when there are no productive steps for us to take.

I want to include in this the anxiety we sometimes experience about other people's reactions or emotional responses to something we do. People often think, "But I can influence their response. If I do it just right, if I carefully manage how I approach the problem, maybe they will respond in the correct way." Yes, sometimes we do influence someone else's emotion or we can influence an outcome, but we are not in control of it.

We are definitely not in control of other people's emotional responses.

Anxiety Produces Physical Symptoms

Another sign that it is anxiety are the physical symptoms that accompany it: a racing heart, shortness of breath, muscle tension, and-or upset stomach. We experience many physical sensations when we are anxiously worrying about something. In contrast, when we have reasonable concern or productive worry, we might be thinking about it, but our body is not responding as if we are in danger. Our body is not responding as if we should fight, flee, or freeze. That physical response tied to the fight-flight-freeze response is a definite sign of anxiety.

Anxiety Creates Rumination

As I mentioned, with reasonable concern, the concern can sometimes linger a bit in the back of our minds after we have done what we can. But with anxiety, it turns into rumination—repetitive thoughts cycling over and over. We might feel unable to concentrate on anything we are supposed to do, whether work or relationships or something else. We may not even be able to concentrate on conversations. The persistent rumination is taking over our brain—that is anxiety.

Anxiety Causes Insomnia

If insomnia is caused by thinking about a problem excessively, that is anxiety.

Anxiety Leads to Avoidance

Anxiety can also lead us into avoidance. Instead of taking the practical steps that emerge from reasonable concern, we avoid the situation altogether because we are too anxious. That creates its own problems. I have a video on that topic, which I will link here: The Avoidance Anxiety Cycle .

Anxiety Is Disproportionate to the Situation

Anxiety focuses on risks that are disproportionate to the situation. We respond with survival energy—meaning our body acts as if this is urgent and life-threatening, and we need all of our fight-flight-freeze chemicals to deal with this situation—but it is not actually urgent in this moment. It could be important. It could require planning. But it is not "I must run away this minute from a saber-tooth tiger."

Anxiety also focuses disproportionately on "what ifs." What if that goes wrong? What if this goes wrong? We descend down a rabbit hole investigating scenarios that have very low probabilities, which interferes with our daily happiness and functioning.

A Helpful Test

If you have taken productive steps to address the concern you have, yet the worry still continues to dominate your thoughts and interfere with your daily functioning, then it has crossed into anxiety. This line is not always perfectly clear, but if it has crossed into anxiety and the focus is on things you cannot control, then you are wasting energy, life force, and time on things that are outside your sphere of influence while remaining in what is a very painful state.

Why Recognition Matters

One of the things I have observed working with people over 20 years as a psychotherapist and in creating videos online is that people often understand the concept of anxiety in general, but they feel that in the specific area where they tend to be anxious, it really is needed.

I was recently at a gathering where one person had retired and he was discussing being anxious and not being able to sleep. Another person said, "You do not work anymore. How could you be anxious?" In his view, the main thing that justifies anxiety is work. That is his way of viewing the world.

People with health anxiety think, "I do not think any of those other things need to be worried about, but how can I stop worrying about my health?"

The focus here is not the problem itself, because it does not matter what the problem is. What matters is the approach you take to the problem, what that problem genuinely needs, and what is within your control.

Moving Forward: Learning to Rewire

Once you have identified that you have crossed into anxiety, you can begin with focused energy to learn i) the physiologically calming techniques that are needed, ii) the cognitive restructuring that helps—how to think about something differently—and iii) how to change behaviors. Worry can become a pattern in our brain – actually physically established in the brain as a “superhighway” (myelination). A particular type of situation triggers a particular kind of thinking, which triggers a particular physical reaction and then the emotion of anxiety. Those neural pathways learn to fire together.

But we can rewire our brains.

If you want to learn more about rewiring, I have a free webinar called "Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence." I discuss what behaviors can help to begin creating different neural pathways in your brain so you can focus more on joy, the present moment, your relationships, and what is in front of you. It is free, and you can register with this link .

Final Thoughts

Anxiety is treatable, and it is worth investing the effort so you can live with more joy.

I am interested in any comments, questions, or thoughts you have. If you found value in today's article and know of someone who might benefit, feel free to share this page. I will see you next week!

Cognitive Distortions and the Downward Spiral From Disappointment

Fri, 19 Dec 2025 17:01:45 GMT

Does disappointment send you spiraling into despair, hopelessness, and paralysis? Or does it galvanize you to adjust your approach and try again?

For some people, disappointment becomes a catalyst for growth. For many others, it triggers a descent into increasingly negative thinking patterns. The negative thinking reflects deep-seated negative core beliefs and is riddled with cognitive distortions—systematic errors in reasoning that distort reality and intensify emotional pain.

Today I want to explain how cognitive distortions fuel the downward cycle. I will help you recognize these distortions in real time and provide practical tools so you can interrupt this cycle. Ideally, you will be able to extract useful information from disappointment. But even if you cannot get there yet, at least we can stop the downward spiral.

How Disappointment Triggers Cognitive Distortions

Something does not work out—something you hoped for, wanted, or needed does not happen the way you wanted. That leads to disappointment. Then your brain constructs a story about why the disappointment happened and how you should feel about it. Very often that story centers on what is wrong with you .

We can move rapidly from disappointment to believing that the event not working out proves our negative beliefs about ourselves: "I am defective, I am not good enough, I am unlovable."

The Cognitive Distortions That Fuel the Spiral

Cognitive distortions are rigid, patterned ways of thinking. They can affect us across many areas of life. It is valuable to know which are your "go-to" cognitive distortions so that you can begin to recognize them when they occur. You become more aware of the thinking pattern and can observe, "There I go again. I am labeling. I am personalizing."

That recognition creates distance between the thought pattern and our reaction to it. We are creating psychological space for ourselves and developing the observer mind—that wise part of the brain that notices these patterns and can evaluate them: Is this helpful? Is this not helpful?

Personalization

Personalization is when we take an event and make it about us—about our worth, our character, or what we did wrong—even when there are many other factors at play.

A friend canceled plans, and we jump to the thought "they do not like me", or "I did something wrong the last time I saw them.

We don't get a job we wanted, and we jump to "I am incompetent" or "nothing good ever happens to me because I do not deserve it, because I am not worthy." The event becomes personalized.

I can hear you thinking that these things are personal. Yes and no. They personally happen to you, but if a friend cancels plans, there are countless possible reasons. The same applies when we do not get a job—there is much that is random and beyond our control.

Labeling

Labeling is when we reduce ourselves (or others) to a single defining characteristic, taking complex people and complex situations and drilling them down to one statement that supposedly covers everything.

I" am defective." "I am incompetent."

Labeling is a cognitive distortion because reality is never that simple. By nature, such statements are exaggerated and inaccurate.

Overgeneralization

Overgeneralization is when we take a single negative event and extrapolate it into a permanent, universal pattern.

"I did not get this job, therefore I will never get a job." "I had a couple of dates with that person and really liked them, but they decided not to see me anymore, therefore I will never find a partner."

A single negative event is extrapolated into a permanent pattern: this is how it will always be.

Emotional Reasoning

Emotional reasoning is when we assume that because we feel something intensely, it must be true. We draw conclusions based solely on our current emotional state rather than on evidence.

"I feel like a failure, therefore I am a failure."
"I feel right now like nothing will ever work out for me, therefore nothing will work out for me. I will defend this belief both to myself and to others because if I feel it this intensely, it must be true."

But our feelings reflect our current emotional state. They are not predictors of the future.

Emotional reasoning occurs when we draw conclusions based solely on how we feel in the moment, and usually those conclusions contain other cognitive distortions, such as catastrophizing..

Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing is a cognitive distortion that conjures a worst-case scenario and then treats it as 100% certain to occur.

As we catastrophize, our primitive brain, which controls much of our neurochemistry—our stress chemicals, our feel-good chemicals—does not distinguish between our catastrophic imaginings and reality.

It does not recognize these stories as fiction. We often generate the stress chemicals that correspond to the catastrophic story. Those stress chemicals then amplify the rest of the cycle. Sometimes these are also shutdown chemicals that leave us feeling numbed or wanting to collapse.

Catastrophizing almost invariably accompanies this type of reaction to disappointment.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking is when we see things in extreme, black-and-white terms with no middle ground. If something is not perfect, it is a complete failure. All-or-nothing thinking can create avoidance, which impacts our behavior.

"I am not going to get a job like that, so why bother?"

"I should not try to improve my situation at all. I will probably just be disappointed again, so I will not even try."

This pattern is extremely common. Avoidance can lead to chronic disappointment and genuine hopelessness. Last week's video addressed chronic disappointment and its impact (you can find the blog here and the video here ). This avoidance constricts our world. We do not pursue what we want. We may even sever our connection to wanting because all wanting has ever done is cause pain.

The Role of Negative Core Beliefs

If you listen carefully to all these examples, you can hear that the themes are tied to negative core beliefs: I am defective, I am not good enough.

Sometimes they are negative beliefs about the world: Nothing will ever work out for me.

True healing requires addressing these very core negative beliefs. I have several videos on this topic, and I also have a free PDF that helps you identify your specific negative belief and provides three tools to begin transforming it.

Five Tools to Break the Cycle

Tool 1: Build Awareness

We cannot change what we are not aware of. This week when you experience disappointment, which you likely will, notice where your thinking goes and see if it corresponds to any of the cognitive distortions I mentioned.

If you are able to identify a cognitive distortion, label it: this is catastrophizing, this is all-or-nothing thinking, this is personalization.

Even if you cannot stop the distortion, simply labeling it creates the distance between you and your thoughts.

You can combine this with labeling the feeling you are experiencing. Scientific studies demonstrate that labeling your thoughts and feelings aids emotional regulation. The simple act of labeling activates a different part of your brain—the prefrontal cortex—which helps calm the amygdala and the fight-flight-freeze response.

Tool 2: Challenge These Thoughts With Reality Check Questions

Ask yourself:

Whatever I am imagining about the future, the disaster scenario I have constructed—is this happening right now?
Is this guaranteed to happen? Is it 100% certain?
Do I need the stress chemicals I am generating right now as I think about this? If it is not happening right now, I do not need these stress chemicals.
Is there something I can do about this right now?

Part of the reality check involves determining whether you can physiologically calm your body while thinking through whatever problem exists. There are always problems, and your disappointment likely stems from a real problem. Some of these problems are extremely important, but they do not require this kind of distorted thinking or these chemicals. What they require is full-brain problem-solving.

Sometimes it is helpful to write down what we are feeling or thinking. If we feel too overwhelmed, we can decide, "I can't think this through right now, but I will schedule time tomorrow or the next day to think this through."

As we write down what we are feeling and thinking, we can begin to identify any statements that reflect cognitive distortions.

Once something is identified as a cognitive distortion, we can acknwoledge that it is not accurate. A distortion by definition means this. Even if it FEELS true, we can KNOW it is not.

Simply creating distance by acknowledging that these automatically arising thoughts, which feel so true, are actually distorted, can be powerful.

Obviously a therapist can be invaluable in this work. An outside perspective can bring richness that we cannot access when we are cycling through the same thoughts repeatedly. I encourage you, if you have access to quality therapy and you struggle with this, to reach out.

Tool 3: Identify the Negative Core Belief

See if you can identify common themes in how you think about recent disappointments. Identify the negative core belief driving those cognitive distortions, the negative core belief driving your response to disappointment.

Healing these negative core beliefs cannot be accomplished with a brief article. It may require long-term therapy. It is profoundly worthwhile to undertake the investigation and healing work. In working with people over 20 years as a psychotherapist, I found that addressing this was one way to reach the root issues driving most problems. There is a common thread, and it traces back to a traumatic event in childhood or a difficult situation that fostered negative beliefs about ourselves.

I have a free PDF that lists very common negative core beliefs. It guides you through a process to identify your key negative core belief and provides three tools to begin transforming it. Click here for the PDF.

Tool 4: Develop a Reasonably Stated Positive Core Belief that Counters the Negative

Reasonably stated means you do not need to leap from "I am completely unworthy" to "I am the most worthy person in the world."

We do not need to go from "I am stupid" to "I am brilliant."

It is simply "I am smart enough, I am worthy enough, I am as worthy as any other human being."

There are many reasons we phrase this with moderate language, but primarily because our brain will argue against absolute positives. Curiously, our brains do not argue against absolute negatives. "I am stupid, I am worthless"—somehow our brain accepts that. But if we propose the exact opposite, our brain will reject it immediately. So: I am smart enough, I am good enough, I am lovable enough.

Develop the positive core belief. The PDF I mentioned also assists with this step . Once you develop it, write a list of evidence that the reasonably stated positive core belief is true.

Tool 5: Identify Action Steps

If you believed that reasonably stated positive core belief, what action would you take?

I know you probably do not believe the positive statement at this point, but imagine: if you believed it, what would you do?

If this is too hard to imagine, think about someone else who believed they were good enough—what would they do?

Then push yourself to do this action.

What is the worst outcome? You feel disappointed.

If we could sit with our disappointment, allow ourselves to feel it, acknowledge that we dislike it and it feels terrible, but recognize that all emotional states are temporary—if we allow them to process through, they will pass. If we suppress them or push them away, they can become rigidly stuck.

Generally, if we allow ourselves to feel disappointment, the feeling will ebb and flow. If we develop even a slight sense of "I can handle being disappointed," that alone will interrupt the negative cycle.

I hope this was helpful and I will see you next week!

Chronic Disappointment Can Crush Motivation

Thu, 11 Dec 2025 23:10:17 GMT

You wake up with a to-do list but no energy to tackle it. You know what you should be doing to move your life forward, but you cannot summon the will to act. You are not even waiting for motivation anymore—you have stopped believing it will come.

If this describes your experience, you are not alone. The culprit may be chronic disappointment—years of unmet expectations that have taught your brain to stop wanting anything at all. This is not laziness or weakness. It is a neurobiological pattern, and there is a way out. I am going to share concrete steps to help you begin rewiring patterns that may have developed over many years, probably for reasons that were not your fault.

The Neurobiology of Chronic Disappointment

Chronic disappointment can cause neurobiological pessimism, which is not a character flaw. It is based on the experiences you have had in life and what you were or were not taught about how to deal with those experiences.

Disappointment is an incredibly painful emotion, yet we often ignore it or downplay how painful it is. We hear things like, "Do not be so disappointed, it will feel better next time," or "You should not be disappointed. Focus on the good things." We probably say these things to ourselves as well. Yet disappointment stimulates neurochemicals that cause us significant pain.

All humans want to avoid pain. We do what we can to protect ourselves from it. If hoping for something leads to disappointment, and that disappointment is painful, our brain learns not to hope for things.

Our brain learns not to want things.

But desire, wanting something, can motivate us.

Recovery is about restoring the capacity to want again.

Today I am going to explain why this matters, and I am going to share the most powerful way to begin rewiring your brain in a way that will increase your motivation and help you develop a more realistic view of the future. You do not need to become overly optimistic, but rather more realistic.

The feel-good chemical dopamine kicks in when we are anticipating a reward. If that anticipated reward does not materialize, we can crash.

Our brains are constantly assessing what we predicted versus the actual outcome. Our brain takes note of these "reward-prediction errors." When we predict something and it does not happen, our brain encodes that information.

Basically, we have a disappointment hub in our brain called the lateral habenula. The lateral habenula releases two neurochemicals that impact how disappointed we feel and how much of a crash we will experience (GABA and glutamate) (I covered this in more detail in last week's video and blog on disappointment, which you can access via those links).

When we have experienced frequent painful disappointments in our life, the lateral habenula becomes overactive and our brain learns to stop releasing dopamine in anticipation of a reward.

We become less and less motivated over time. The less motivated you feel, the less you do. The less you do, the less motivated you feel. This negative feedback loop can cause increasing depression.

Neurobiologically, the overactive lateral habenula is linked to depression as well as chronic stress. I do not want you to become discouraged here because recovery is possible. It does take time and work, but it is possible. There may be several different things you need to investigate and address, which I will summarize at the end, but you can do this!

Why This Pattern Develops

In working with people as a psychotherapist and coach over 20 years, I have observed that people who have been chronically disappointed and lack motivation often hold a core belief: "I am defective. The problem is me."

However, if you begin to investigate why this belief developed, you will find that it had nothing to do with you being defective. It might take a skilled therapist to help you see things differently, but these patterns start very young from things that are beyond our control.

Chronic disappointment can stem from having parents with unrealistic expectations, or from caregivers who repeatedly disappointed you , caregivers who did not have the capacity to truly care for you.

I like to say this takes a "fact-finding" mission, not a "fault-finding" mission. Looking for the facts helps you understand why you developed these patterns. This helps you have more compassion for yourself. And I think it is important to stay away from blame as that diverts us in a different direction.

Identifying the negative core belief that arose from the experiences you had, probably quite young in life, can help you begin to rewire it. To help with identifying that belief, I have a free PDF that will help you identify exactly what that negative core belief is. It also provides several techniques to begin to overturn it.

Understanding the combination of what is happening to you biochemically and neurobiologically with chronic disappointment, and the way you were taught to interpret why these things happened—which becomes your negative core belief—can help you develop more compassion for yourself. That compassion will help you take the next steps needed to rewire these patterns.

The Solution: Behavioral Activation

The most powerful way to rewire neurochemical reactions is through your behavior. Behavioral activation is a psychotherapy approach that has been proven highly effective for depression and for lack of motivation.

People usually want to feel motivated before they act, but often the opposite is needed: getting into action and engaging in positive behaviors will create a positive feedback loop and, over time, generate motivation.

The most difficult aspect of recovering from this kind of lack of motivation or depression is finding that little spark that can propel you into action.

Even if you do not think action will lead anywhere, consider this: Why not try?

Nothing else has worked, and you do not want to stay in this state. What do you have to lose?

Many parts of our brain do not respond to logical thought or cognitions. The older parts of our brain, which are tied more to our emotions and our fight-flight-freeze response—more instinctual behaviors—respond to behavior and experience.

Five Steps to Rewire Your Motivation

Step 1: Identify Small Behaviors You Have Been Avoiding

I would like you to identify a handful of small behaviors, little things you have been avoiding with that "why bother" thinking.

It could be getting up today to take a shower. Your brain might say, "Why bother?"

You might be avoiding something that seems smalls to you, such as a shower, or something slightly bigger, like finishing your resume.

Choose something that, for you, is relatively small.

Step 2: Pick Two Items and "Just Do It"

Pick two items to do today. If they are longer-term tasks, begin today.

Keep this phrase in mind: just do it. It does not matter how you feel. Just do it.

Step 3: List Things That Used to Bring You Enjoyment

Write down the things that used to bring you enjoyment. Again, these could be very small—playing with a pet, going downtown, taking a walk in the woods. Anything that you have not been doing but that used to bring you pleasure. Make that list.

Step 4: Schedule Some of These into Your Calendar and Set Reminders

Schedule a couple of these activities onto your calendar for this week and set reminders.

I am suggesting small things because this allows you to set small goals and then accomplish them.

I know your brain might say, "Big deal, I took a shower. Everybody does that." But not everybody does.

And if you have not been doing it, today is the day to do it and then acknowledge yourself.

Step 5: Reinforce the Positive

When you have done one of the "small things" or one of the things that used to bring you pleasure, pat yourself on the back for doing it, no matter how it went!

I can hear people saying, "I will feel ridiculous patting myself on the back just for doing that." But try it.

What you are doing is giving your brain a new experience of

wanting to do something and letting yourself want to do it,
doing it,
acknowledging yourself for having done it.

Whether you feel good afterward or not so good, it does not matter. You have done it. You have given your brain that experience.

What you are doing here is retraining your brain that effort leads to reward. Even if the reward is only acknowledging yourself, that is sufficient. That will be reinforcing.

Important Considerations

This will take time.

I know this can be difficult for people who lack motivation and have experienced chronic disappointment. The rewards do not happen immediately. You need to put these small steps in place for a few weeks before you will see any impact at all...perhaps even three to six months. But three to six months of implementing small goals, minor steps forward, and following through—over time, you will notice significant change.

When to Seek Additional Help

When I worked with people with depression, we would start with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and behavioral activation, both of which have been proven to be very effective for depression and lack of motivation.

But if after a certain amount of time they were not able to find that "spark" to actually put some of the behaviors into action, that is when I would recommend they talk to a psychiatrist to explore whether an antidepressant could help them. The combination of an antidepressant with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been shown to be very effective.

Another consideration: a severe lack of motivation could also be related to ADHD. Being evaluated for ADHD and, if you have it, exploring whether medication helps can be valuable.

Medications are complicated, and unfortunately there is a trial and error period you must go through. They do not help everybody, but sometimes they can help significantly.

Trauma can also squelch that "spark." If you've experienced significant trauma, particularly in childhood, healing from that trauma is going to be necessary. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful.

I wish you health and healing, and I will "see" you next week!

Emotional Dysregulation and Disappointment

Thu, 04 Dec 2025 15:04:42 GMT

Have you ever noticed how one disappointment, even a relatively small one, can completely derail your day, change your mood, or send you down a spiral of negative thinking?

The emotion of disappointment is incredibly powerful, yet we rarely discuss it. It's an everyday emotion that doesn't get the headlines that anger, grief, or depression might get. But I believe it can be at the root of much emotional dysregulation.

By understanding disappointment—what is happening in your body and brain, and the cycle it can create—you can better regulate your emotions, feel more contentment, and feel better about yourself. By the end of this article, you will understand disappointment and the cycle it creates. You will also walk away with practical tools about how to cut that cycle and prevent disappointment from becoming overwhelming. You might also learn to recognize disappointment as the root of a number of other emotions.

Defining Disappointment

Disappointment is sadness or displeasure when your expectations are not met. Basically, there is a gap between what you expected or hoped for, what you wanted, and what actually happens. It is that moment when you realize that reality is not matching your desires and sometimes your needs.

When we think of that, we do not fully appreciate how painful it is. I am going to give you some information on the neurobiology so you will understand more about why it is so painful. I also want to talk about what happens when we are children and disappointed, and how the authority figures in our lives respond to us. This can create a pattern for whether we internalize or externalize disappointment, how resilient we are, and which pathway disappointment leads us down.

Disappointment Never Shows Up Alone

Disappointment almost never appears by itself. It usually comes with frustration and irritation, sometimes anger at ourselves or at somebody else, sadness and hurt. Very often we feel hurt when we are unable to get what we want or need. It also brings up shame and embarrassment.

I think it is critically important to understand that disappointment is a very vulnerable emotion, primarily because it says, "I wanted that, and I did not get it." For some reason, saying that makes us feel very exposed, very unworthy.

As most of you know, I worked as a psychotherapist for 20 years. In that work as well as in the online coaching programs that I have, I have noticed that people feel a lot of shame when they are asked to express out loud what they really want in life. I know this personally because it came up for me the very first time I was asked that question.

It felt embarrassing to say it. It is very vulnerable to say, "I want this. I want it to look like that." I think it brings up feelings of: maybe I am ungrateful, maybe I should be grateful for what I already have. Who am I to think that I could have something like that? I should not be wanting it.

When we get disappointed, we are essentially saying, "I cared about that thing and now I am feeling hurt, sad, or angry because I did not get it." So disappointment is a signal to us of what we want or of what we wanted.

Understanding how vulnerable disappointment can make us feel can help us regulate that emotion because we can look into it more deeply and question some of our assumptions.

The Cycle That Disappointment Creates

As I go through this, you might want to jot down for yourself what the cycle is for you. I will be giving some examples, and it is helpful for you to begin to think through how this works for you.

Basically, disappointment starts with an event that does not match your expectations, desires, or wants.

For some people, that mismatch will immediately create physical feelings: a sinking in the stomach, a feeling that the rug was pulled out from under you, a deflation.

The emotions that can accompany these physical feelings vary. If you feel a lot of tension, the emotion that might come up right away could be irritation, frustration, or anger. If you get the feeling that the rug is pulled out from under you, that could be shock. That feeling in the pit of your stomach could be sadness.

The reason I want you to be aware of your own cycle is that sometimes people are first aware of the physical feelings, but others are first aware of the emotional feelings. And a different group of people might be first aware of the negative thoughts that come up as soon as there is a mismatch between expectation and reality.

The thoughts could be negative thinking about yourself, or it could be negative thinking about others. Your brain interprets the event, turning it into a story. And very often that story is driven by your negative core beliefs.

If you have a negative core belief of "I am unworthy," the story will be, "Well, you did not deserve this. You are unworthy. You are not good enough." If your negative core belief is "I cannot count on others," well, this disappointing event just reinforced that.

To assist you as you think this through, I have a free PDF called " Transform Your Negative Core Belief. " It helps you understand which of those beliefs is truly at your core, and it gives you a handful of techniques to begin to rewire those beliefs.

This cycle is based on the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) cycle. When an event happens and we interpret it, our thoughts loop back and affect how we feel and how we behave. Similarly, all the feelings that came up with the disappointmet impact how we think and how we behave.

The behaviors that very often come from disappointment can be avoidance or lashing out.

Avoidance would be avoiding taking any risk because you do not want to feel disappointment again. This contributes to future problems, because taking reasonable risks is necessary to move you to where you want to be. And therefore there is more disappointment in the future.

This cycle begins to wire our brain in a way that avoiding disappointment becomes the biggest thing we focus on, and our world can get more and more constricted.

Lashing out: If one of your habitual patterns is anger, you might get angry and lash out at loved ones, which pushes them further away and makes the situation worse. Or you might go into a spiral of lashing out at yourself, and those negative core beliefs get more and more ingrained.

This is not a good cycle. I want to help you understand it and shift it.

The Neurobiology of Disappointment

Deep in our brains, there is an ancient evolutionary part called the lateral habenula. You can think of this part of the brain as the "disappointment hub." This part of the brain activates when an anticipated reward does not materialize.

That feel-good chemical you have heard about—dopamine—kicks in when we are anticipating a pleasure, when we are anticipating something good. Before an event, that chemical can kick in. But when that reward is not realized, the lateral habenula releases two other neurotransmitters. One is glutamate and the other is GABA.

Glutamate is an excitatory chemical. It revs us up and amplifies the signals we are receiving. GABA is inhibitory. GABA slows things down and dampens signals. They have opposite effects, but they are released at the same time.

The ratio between these two chemicals is like the dimmer switch on how disappointed we feel. If we release significantly more glutamate than GABA, the switch is turned up—our disappointment increases. If we release more GABA, the dimmer switch is lowered. That is why sometimes we can handle disappointments without any problem, and other times they feel devastating.

The Long-Term Effects of Repeated Disappointment

What happens if we regularly experience a lot of disappointment and we have a strong reaction to that disappointment?

With frequent and severe disappointment, your brain can learn to stop anticipating good things. If wanting something leads to pain, it is better not to want anything at all.

This causes a rewiring in the brain, and we neurologically withdraw from motivation and anticipation.

The good news is we can rewire the brain. Our brain learns and changes throughout our whole lives. With the right guidance and the right effort, you can begin to rewire that pattern. I do not want you to lose hope here!

How Childhood Shapes Our Response to Disappointment

As we explore this, I want to encourage you to look at the patterns from your childhood as if it is a fact-finding mission, not a fault-finding mission. It is much more productive to really look at this as "Why did I develop these patterns?" so you can have empathy towards yourself without immediately going to blame.

Let us think about a 2-year-old. I am sure many of you have spent time with two-year-olds. If you think about it, those 2-year-old tantrums are almost all about disappointment. They are almost all about that 2-year-old wanting something or wanting to do something that they either cannot get or they are not allowed to do.

It is disappointment mixed with frustration, and it is an unbelievably powerful emotion. It is so powerful that the 2-year-old ends up on the floor screaming and banging their fists.

This is a challenging stage for parents. I do not know any parent who does this stage perfectly, but some do it adequately and others maybe do not. But it is a universal stage, instinctual.

This can be frustrating for a parent because the child could be hugely upset for a "minor" or unavoidable reason. For example, you promised to take them to the park but when the time comes, there is a thunderstorm happening. You cannot take them to the park. The child does not understand that. They do not have any perspective.

Many parents will try to calm the child, which is good. But often we do that by brushing away the disappointment. "Oh, do not be so disappointed. We will do such and such tomorrow."

The fact that a parent tries to bring in perspective makes sense. But if this pattern of dismissing the child's upset continues, that child will learn, "This is an emotion I am not supposed to have." The child will not feel seen or heard.

Other parents might panic when their child is disappointed. They get anxious and try to jump in and fix it right away. They might even give in to whatever it was—take the kid outside in the storm, whatever it was. The parent might panic and try to get the kid not to be so upset. But that also teaches us that this is an anxiety-provoking emotion and that if this emotion is scary to my caregiver, wow, that is really scary.

Worse, sometimes a parent might totally withdraw from the situation, which is very threatening to a toddler. Toddlers and young children are completely dependent on their caregivers. If the caregiver withdraws physically or emotionally, that is very threatening to that child's survival emotionally. Other parents might get angry and lash out.

Thinking through how your disappointments were handled can help you understand how you feel about that emotion right now.

As you got a little older, you might have begun to be aware of your parents' disappointments. If disappointment was such a horrible, scary emotion when you had it, you immediately will think it is a horrible, scary emotion for them to have. They might respond that way too.

You may develop a feeling of "I am a disappointment to my caregivers." It could also be "I am a disappointment to my teachers/siblings/coach." Eventually this leads to an internalized negative belief: "I am a disappointment."

Even later in life, as we grow up and move away from our parents, other people have a hard time with our disappointment and we have a hard time with theirs. When somebody is disappointed, we all jump in right away. We want to make them feel better. We want to say, "Oh, it is not so bad," or "Oh, you will get it next time." We want to whitewash the pain.

If you find yourself in that situation doing that to somebody else who is disappointed, maybe just slow down, take a moment and say, "Wow, I totally understand why you are disappointed. That is really hard." Let them sit with it.

If you practice doing that for others—and maybe you already can do that, I am not judging here—but if you can do it for others, you can then begin to do that for yourself, which is going to lead me into the practical tools I want to talk about.

Three Practical Tools for Managing Disappointment

#1: Accept and Acknowledge the Emotion

This relates to what I just said. Accept and acknowledge the emotion you are having. Acknowledge that you are disappointed. Let yourself take a minute to feel it without having to fix it.

I know this can be counterintuitive , but our emotions ebb and flow. They do not ever stay exactly the same.

Generally when we push away or try to whitewash or cover up an emotion, it gets stronger. Instead we can just sit with it, feel it and investigate it, "Okay, where do I feel this in my body? What thoughts is this bringing me to? What if I just sit here with the physical feelings and let them be for a second?"

With this awareness and acknowledgement, bring in some diaphragmatic breathing. Let your body, your physiology, know that you are okay. This may not feel good, it might hurt, you do not like it, but you are okay.

Your body can begin to respond to it with more calm, with more of that GABA, and you can contribute to that with your own emotional regulation tools.

#2: Become Aware of Your Cycle

Become intimately aware of the cognitive-behavioral cycle that disappointment creates for you. What feelings does it generate? What thoughts? What behaviors does it lead you to? Once you engage in those behaviors, are they helpful or hurtful?

If a downward spiral starts, where can you intervene to interrupt it?

In general, we cannot directly change our feelings other than by simply sitting with them. We cannot do something to make them change. What we can do is question our thinking, begin to think about things differently, and-or change the behaviors.

#3: Pick a Behavior That Breaks the Pattern

Pick a behavior that does not go with your typical downward spiral and practice engaging in that behavior. Behavior is the most dramatic way to begin to change the wiring in our brains.

A challenge for you could be to pick something that you have been avoiding because you are afraid of that disappointment. It could be something small. It does not have to be a major thing. Just go for it. Do it. See what happens. Approach it as if it is a scientific experiment.

It could be:

- Applying for an opportunity you have been avoiding

- Simply texting a friend that you have been afraid to text because you are worried that they will not respond the way you want them to

- Sharing an idea that you have with somebody when you have been avoiding that because you are worried that they will not like the idea

These could be small things, but pick one and go for it.

Moving Forward

As I wrap up here, my other videos on emotional regulation skills will be really helpful for this. Just thinking about disappointment as one of those core emotions that can set you down a negative cycle, you can maybe begin to think about it differently so that you bring in those emotional regulation tools simply for disappointment. As one of my friends said, that is an everyday emotion. We feel that all the time.

I really hope this was helpful. Make sure to check out that PDF—I also have a free webinar called "Rewire Your Brain," and it goes a little more into how our behaviors can help to rewire some of these patterns we have developed. Make sure you are subscribed so you will see the next video on this topic, which is going to expand on these tools.

Let me know what you think. Let me know the questions you have and I will see you next week.

Dysfunctional Family Roles During the Holidays

Wed, 26 Nov 2025 21:01:34 GMT

Have you ever noticed that when you go home for the holidays, you suddenly revert to old patterns?

You've left your family of origin, done personal growth work, and become a much more well-rounded person .

You mostly feel good about yourself., or maybe you even feel really good about yourself!

Yet when you go home for the holidays, it seems you turn right back into your old role!

It's like a time machine because you suddenly begin to react the way you would have when you were much younger. You remind yourself of your 7, 10 or 14 year-old self and you think, " How could I be acting this way ?"

Today's blog will give you a quick rundown of how these family roles typically present during family events and holidays.

The Hero Child or Caretaker

The hero child or caretaker is usually the one cooking all the food, cleaning up, arranging the events, even coordinating how other family members get there.

If this is you, you probably make sure you're buying gifts for everybody. You might even buy gifts for that relative who never buys gifts for others so that person has something to give. You might be doing everything for everybody because that's always been your role within your family system.

What does it lead to? Exhaustion, irritability, resentment, stress, and even loneliness. Because even with all the effort you've put in, you're not getting the feeling you're looking for. You're not getting a return on that effort. And the resentment you feel is toxic for you.

Resentment is like taking poison but hoping it hurts the other person. It's a toxic emotion to feel, and it often signals that we're doing too much.

Suggestions if this is your role:

Pull back a little.

Let things not be perfect.

Let things slide.

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat grew up being blamed for everything, and it probably still seems to happen when your family of origin gets together.

You probably dread going to the holidays because you know you're going to be criticized about everything.

Anything that goes wrong will be blamed on you.

You'll probably be resented by the hero child I just described.

Even if you've stepped out of this role in other areas of your life, you still might act out or do something that justifies some of their blame or criticism. That's a miserable place to be. It can also be a really lonely place.

You feel hurt. Nobody seems to understand or acknowledge that. It's exhausting.

The Lost Child

The Lost Child often skips out on holiday events. If this is you, you might live across the world from your family.

You probably hate the conflict that arises during the holidays. You don't want to be part of it and you can't tolerate the arguing.

You avoid asserting your own needs because that usually creates conflict, and you feel it isn't worth it.

But then you end up feeling unseen, unheard and uncared for.

The Mascot

And then if you're the mascot, you're expected to tell jokes and keep everybody cheerful.

It doesn't matter how you're really feeling inside—you need to make those jokes. You need to cheer everybody up. You need to provide entertainment and distraction from any real problems.

You probably end up feeling alone, because nobody really knows you. You might even be resentful at the other family members - the lost child who just disappears and doesn't deal with anything, the Hero Child is stressing themselves out for no reason, and the Scapegoat who keeps causing chaos.

Suggestions:

Prior to your family gathering, you can identify one or two behaviors that you would like to change and set a boundary for yourself.
This boundary is not dependent on anyone else - it is dependent on you changing how you respond to everyone else who is probably doing what they always do!

Be compassionate with yourself. Breaking these patterns is SO hard! Be gentle and understanding if you slip back.

Try to have compassion for your family... know that they developed their role as a way to cope with the same problem. And for your parents - they grew up in their own families of origin and may have suffered in ways no one is aware of. This does not mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior!! Just know that judging often leads to more isolation and to resentment.

I wish you peace and joy this holiday season!

What is an emotional trigger really?

Thu, 20 Nov 2025 20:34:14 GMT

Overwhelmed? Triggered?
Understanding why and how triggers happen can help you heal and feel better about yourself!

Have you ever had a reaction to something that seemed way out of proportion to what actually happened? Maybe your boss criticized your work and you felt flooded with panic for days. Or perhaps someone canceled plans and you spiraled into despair.

These overwhelming responses aren't character flaws or overreactions—they're emotional triggers, a neurobiological event in your body and brain. By understanding the science behind triggers, you can develop more self-compassion. And if you're trying to understand someone in your life who gets emotionally triggered often, this knowledge can help you develop more compassion for that person.

What Is an Emotional Trigger?

An emotional trigger occurs when sensory information, a particular type of event, or a specific pattern between people activates the emotions of something similar that happened in the past. When this happens, it triggers the physiological feelings of that past event, the emotional feelings, and the cognitions or thoughts that accompanied it. It triggers the negative thinking about yourself and the world that existed at that time.

This concept is usually discussed in relation to traumatic experiences and traumatic events, but not everybody relates to the word trauma. You can think of this as a very emotionally upsetting event that happened in your past. The earlier these things happened in your life, and the more often they occurred, the stronger the link becomes between the sensory information, event, or pattern and the emotional, physiological, and cognitive response you had at that time.

The Neurobiology of Triggers

When we have a memory that triggers us, a specific part of our brain activates. That trigger memory automatically activates our amygdala—our fight-flight-freeze center, our survival center. The original events that created the trigger may have been very survival-based. They might have been threats to our lives, threats to our sense of self, or deep threats to the connection we had with caregivers.

But here's the problem: the current event happening is not life-threatening, yet that part of our brain kicks in and we want to fight, flee, or freeze.

Why Triggered Responses Feel Overwhelming

Here's a common example: Your boss gets angry at you. Maybe your boss is a shouter, maybe not, but they're clearly not happy with you. Boom—you might be triggered into a fight-flight-freeze response. You might recognize that your response is outsized to the actual event.

This is at the core of emotional triggers and trauma triggers: the feelings are so overwhelming and so much more intense than one would expect in the moment. We don't understand it, and those around us don't understand it. The people around us might be critical: "You're making way too big a deal of this. Yeah, okay, your boss is a jerk, but it's not that upsetting."

But for you, it might cause days of rumination, going over and over it.

The original event that caused this could have been any number of things: an overly critical parent, a parent who raged and put you in physical danger, or a parent who screamed and got upset and then withdrew and disappeared. All of these are threatening to the survival of a child, both on a practical level and on a self-development level. Our sense of who we are and our ability to develop and grow as individuals can be threatened by these events.

Classic Example of a Trauma Trigger

A well-known, typical example comes from when Vietnam vets returned from the war, which is when we began to learn much more about trauma. The classic example: a car backfires and the person who'd been in Vietnam hits the ground thinking it's a bomb.

This happens before your conscious mind becomes aware of it. Before your conscious mind registers that it was a car backfiring, not a bomb, you've already responded because your amygdala wants to keep you alive. It acts fast, but it's not always accurate. The same thing happens when a boss yells at you—your conscious mind isn't saying, "I'm in physical danger here," but your body goes there immediately.

Fear of Abandonment as a Trigger

Recently, I've received several questions about fear of abandonment. Fear of abandonment works the same way. If you had a parent who disappeared—whether through divorce, moving away, death, or even a parent who was very depressed and would withdraw whenever anything conflictual happened—that experience of being left gets embedded in your emotional brain along with all the panicked feelings you had as a child and the negative thinking you might have developed.

Often it's negative thinking about yourself: "If I were different, they would've stayed. If I wasn't bad, they wouldn't have left."

The Brain Science Behind Triggers

The part of the brain that activates with these trigger memories is the posterior cingulate cortex. This region lights up with PTSD memories more than others, but it's involved not just in memory, but also in self-referential thought. When we're deeply engaged in thinking about ourselves, this part of the brain is very active. That's why these memories come with a lot of negative self-talk, and why these events trigger our negative core beliefs.

What You Can Do About Emotional Triggers

I want to recommend a couple of my other videos and blogs. I recently published the blog " Trauma and EMDR " which explores in more detail why trauma gets lodged in your brain differently and it provides practical tools for what you can do about it.

I also have a blog on " Why Anxiety Hits Out of the Blue ." Additionally, I have numerous videos on emotional regulation and specific skills. All of those videos help point you toward solutions.

I also want to share a free resource: a PDF called " Transform Your Negative Core Belief ." It helps you identify what that negative core belief is and provides three practical tools to begin healing that belief and addressing some of those deeper issues.

You Can Heal From Triggers

Here's the important thing about emotional triggers, whether they're full trauma triggers or triggers from very upsetting events: you can heal from this.

Let me share how this works. When you feel that trigger, when you become aware that your response is disproportionate to the actual event, that's the moment you can say, "Okay, this is triggering something from the past and it's not happening now."

Then, using tools like diaphragmatic breathing to calm yourself in the moment will help you bring in the thought: "That was a long time ago. It feels like now, but it was a long time ago."

A Personal Example

I'll share a personal example that recently came up. I explained to my husband that sometimes I can get anxious waiting in line. This is because I had a parent who had a terrible temper and hated waiting in line, and especially hated if you made him wait. So making other people wait can make me feel anxious.

I've done enough work that I can now think, "Okay, deep breath, I'm just waiting in line. Nothing bad is happening here." That initial bit of anxious energy might still surface, but I know what to attribute it to. I attribute it to something that happened decades ago, and I don't let my mind attribute it to something happening now, because nothing is happening now!

This might seem like a minor example, and I don't want you to think, "She does all this work and still has that response." But this is no longer an overwhelming thing for me because those memories have been processed.

Moving Forward

I want to encourage you—you can get there. Professional help can make a real difference. If you're struggling, I encourage you to reach out to someone. That professional work can be complemented with resources like this video and my other, more skill-based videos that guide you through the steps and practices that need to be done regularly, even daily. These practices can calm your physiological system, help you make these connections, and lead you to a more joyful life.

If you found this helpful, please comment below or share with someone who might benefit!

Chasing Happiness Can Backfire

Fri, 14 Nov 2025 17:00:52 GMT

What if the very act of trying to make yourself happy is the thing that is keeping you miserable?

Chasing happiness can actually backfire. I know this sounds completely backwards, but there is actually a fair amount of science and research that backs up this paradox. In this article, I'm going to talk about why this happens and what you can learn from it. And of course, the really big question is: what should we all be doing instead?

The Philosophy Behind the Paradox

Over 150 years ago, the philosopher John Stuart Mill observed that the people who were happy were those who were focused on something else, not specifically on their own happiness. Yet we live in a society that pretty much tells us that we should always be trying to be happy, we should always be trying to improve our happiness. The pursuit of happiness is actually written into the US Declaration of Independence.

The Science of the Happiness Paradox

Some of the seminal research on this topic was actually done over 20 years ago at the University of California at Santa Barbara when Jonathan Schooler put out a research report, which he called "The Pursuit and Assessment of Happiness Can Be Self-Defeating."

Since then, there has been a lot of research that has supported this point.

In 2011, Iris Mauss, a psychologist and professor at UC Berkeley did a study analyzing whether the people who really valued being happy were actually happier than others or less happy. For the research, they gathered a group of women and had them do a self-report questionnaire where they ranked their life satisfaction, depressive symptoms, and overall feelings of wellbeing. They also asked the participants to report their current stress level, and whether there were big stressful events that had recently happened in their lives.

What they found was that of the women who were experiencing a low level of stress, the ones who valued happiness more were actually less happy. But in the group of people who were experiencing a high degree of stress, there was no difference in happiness level between those who really valued happiness and those who didn't.

It's interesting that the pursuit of happiness really seems to backfire when life is the best, when stress levels are low. I think this is because we get that feeling of "I should be happy, I'm not happy, but I should be because I have all this stuff, or all these things are going well, so I should be really happy."

When we're under a lot of stress or things are really difficult in our lives, we don't put that pressure on ourselves. Let me know if that makes sense to you, but it definitely makes sense to me.

Iris and her research team decided to follow up with another study because the first showed correlation between valuing happiness, stress levels, and happiness—but not causation. It didn't show that people were less happy because they valued happiness more.

They designed a study with two groups. One group read an article about how important happiness was. The other group read a neutral article. Then they showed some participants from each group a happy movie and others a sad movie.

For those watching the sad movie, there was no significant difference in how they felt. But there was a substantial difference in those watching the happy movie. The ones who had been primed to value happiness—who read about how important it was—reported being less happy than the group who read a neutral article and watched the same happy movie.

These research findings have been followed up with numerous other studies showing similar results.

What This Means for You
But the important question is - what does this mean for you?

It's a hard thing to stop valuing happiness... because... we all want to be happy!

We are so conditioned to think, "What do I need to do to feel happier? Why don't I feel happier now? What would make me feel happier? Given everything that's good, I should be happier."

This leads to all that self-criticism I've talked often about on this channel, and it makes us feel bad about ourselves. So what can we take away from this?

Why the Happiness Paradox Happens

Researchers who study this have identified two main explanations. One I'm going to call the "high bar and disappointment" angle, and the other is the "constant monitoring" angle.

The High Bar and Disappointment Angle

If you value happiness highly, you can create a very high bar of what that means.

In reality, we all experience conflictual feelings most of the time. Those moments where we are purely happy are rare and not sustainable. But if we think we should be purely happy with no caveats, then we're likely to be disappointed.

I was a psychotherapist for 20 years, and I found in working with people—and I've experienced it myself—that disappointment is one of those emotions we really dislike. It's not talked about as much as grief or anger, but I think disappointment is one of the most difficult emotions. I would sometimes be amazed at the degree to which people would try to avoid disappointment because they hated it so much.

With this happiness paradox, if you're always setting the bar high and then you're disappointed all the time, that's a horrible feeling. Obviously, it cycles in on itself.

It's been hard for me to read this research without thinking about my grandmother. Her parents were immigrants who did not speak much English. Until my grandmother was five, she spoke their language and she went to school not knowing any English. She did not have an easy childhood. Her parents were quite poor, and I think she had the view that life was going to be hard.

By the time I knew her, she was moving into retirement and things were easing. I remember how she would have so much joy and happiness at the simplest things: picking blueberries, having a dessert, dancing. There's an element where it feels a little sad. I would have wanted her to expect more. I felt like she deserved more. But she was quite happy and didn't have any sense of being entitled to an easy life or happiness. I do try to channel her every now and then.

The Monitoring Problem

The monitoring problem is when we constantly ask ourselves, "Am I happy now? Why aren't I happy? How happy am I? What is it I'm feeling?" We're always monitoring our emotional state.

Obviously some degree of this is needed. But we're talking about balance. If this is something you do frequently, it's worth knowing that constant self-monitoring has been tied to increased depressive symptoms.

Five Practical Strategies to Stop Chasing Happiness

I am going to focus on five things that you can begin to put in place to help you shift away from that prioritizing of happiness and towards something that maybe will surprise you with happiness.

#1: Accept All of Your Feelings, Including Your Negative Feelings

Part of the problem is that we try to push away those negative feelings. We don't like to feel anger or guilt or sadness, and we go to a lot of effort to push them away. It doesn't work.

I know this is very hard and it's very complicated. I do have a lot of videos and blogs on emotional intelligence and emotional regulation. But the main point is to stop focusing on some kind of unattainable ideal. We are almost always going to have a mix of feelings, and sometimes good enough is good enough. Acknowledging and letting yourself feel what you actually feel can actually be really helpful. Not doing this leads us to a lot of guilt and negative self-talk, which is my point number two.

#2: Let Go of the Self-Criticism

There's an element in a lot of online content which says, "If you're doing it right, if you put your energies in the right way, in the right area, you're happy."

I believe this content contributes to how badly we feel when we aren't happy. Sometimes it is true that if you approach things in the "right way" we are happier. But not always. We don't have control over everything, and human life can be hard.

I also have videos that go into stopping the negative self-talk and changing these things. I know it needs a lot of work, and I do have an online program called Roadmap to Joy. In that program—and even if you're not interested in the program, bear with me because I think you'll understand the point I'm making—I really focus on the feeling of joy, not happiness. I think joy is about those little tiny moments, usually moments when we're mindfully present, usually moments that are pretty simple like the ones I mentioned that would bring my grandmother joy. It's really those small things. It's not always the big goals.

I also have a free webinar called " Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence ." In this webinar, I go into some of the scientific research on how we can actually change the focus of our brain away from things that are either problems or triggers and move towards more mindfulness and more joy. That webinar has a lot of practical tools as well.

#3: Focus on the Activity You're Doing, Not the Feeling You're Having

This recommendation comes from a lot of research. In particular, when you are engaging in activities, be focused solely on that activity. This is particularly true for the ones you get to choose.

An example that comes to mind for me is skiing (I love to ski). When you're skiing, you can think of nothing else. You can't really spend time assessing, "Am I happy? Am I not happy?" (Although sometimes if you're cold you might be focused on that and 'why AM I doing this now?!'...) but basically you have to be really hyper-focused on what you're doing. It's incredibly relaxing to have my mind and my body focused at the same moment on the same thing. I think people who engage in music or art feel the same way.

#4: Prioritize Positivity, Not Happiness

I want to bring in a caveat with this, but first let's talk about prioritizing positivity. This would mean asking, "How can I look at this in a positive way?" Practices like gratitude have been shown overall to help improve well-being.

There are some mindfulness practices that help with this: taking extra time to breath in the sight and smell of a beautiful flower for example. Taking the time to enrich our experience of the positive involves mindfully putting your focus on something positive with all your senses: hearing, sight, smell, touch, taste.

Now, my caveat here is that false positivity is not helpful. If trying to be positive just ends up making you feel more guilty because you really can't do it, or more frustrated, skip this one. Maybe there are little small ways to build it in—the smell of a cup of tea—but not forcing yourself to change how you think. That's why I said there's a caveat for me on the issue of prioritizing positivity, although research does show that this helps people overall feel more wellbeing.

#5: Focus on Things That Bring You Meaning and Purpose Rather Than Happiness

Purpose doesn't have to be some big huge purpose. It doesn't have to be an enormous goal. Your purpose could be taking good care of your pet. Your purpose could be being there when your grandchildren call. Or your purpose could be learning more about poetry.

Engaging in activities that give you meaning and pursuing goals for that type of satisfaction can sometimes surprise you with more contentment.

The Bottom Line

The science directly contradicts our culture's obsession with happiness. Constantly engineering your life for peak positive emotion is a fundamentally flawed strategy.

To end today, I want to share the full quote from John Stuart Mill as it ties into a lot of what we've been saying here:

"Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness—on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way."

Traumatic Memories and EMDR

Tue, 04 Nov 2025 17:22:36 GMT

Traumatic memories ARE fundamentally different than regular memories... here's why and what to do about it

Why Traumatic Memories Are Different—And How EMDR Actually Changes Your Brain

Traumatic memories stay live, present, and intrusive until we process them. It is not just that they feel different—it is how they are stored in your brain.

Today I want to explain what a traumatic memory is, how traumatic memory processing works, and how it helps turn that memory into more of a normal memory where you are not re-experiencing it.

And I know that most people who have trauma memories want to get rid of them entirely. They ask, "Can you erase this from my brain?" That is not possible. But when you process the memory and it no longer brings up all the physiological and emotional symptoms, when it is not reinforcing the negative core belief that developed during the trauma—it is incredibly freeing.

Most people I worked with, once they completed processing their memories, would say, "Wow, I can think about it now, and while I know it happened and I am not happy about it, it feels totally different. It feels like it is in the past. It feels like more of a story. I am not re-experiencing it and I am not feeling continually triggered by it and it is no longer intrusive."

Those are major wins .

Characteristics of Traumatic Memories

Let me quickly outline the characteristics of a traumatic memory.

Sensory Information Dominates

Traumatic recall is dominated by sensory information—sounds, smells, feelings. The sensory details are stronger than any kind of storyline.

Fragmented Rather Than Narrative

You might remember one piece or very intensely remember a sound or smell, but not remember what happened right before or right after the event. The memory is in fragments and flashes.

Time Distortion

Traumatic memories feel fresh and current. The sensory details feel like they are happening now. It does not feel like the event happened long ago, and there is no sense of narrative time in the traumatic memory.

People comment on this constantly: "Why do I feel this so intensely when it happened 40 years ago?" This makes them feel like they are losing their minds. But it is all about how the memory is stored.

Connected to the Physiological Feelings From the Time of the Event

Another characteristic is that traumatic memories come with the physiological feelings that happened at the time. If you froze, you might freeze when you remember it. If you fought or fled or wanted to flee, you will have those same feelings when that memory surfaces. And then, when you have these memories with that flood of physiological symptoms and emotions, it can reinforce those neural pathways.

This is also why sometimes jumping into processing traumatic memories—if you have not done the required prep—can be overwhelming. For EMDR in particular, there is substantial preparation before you begin to process traumatic memories. If you are trying to work with them on your own and you have not developed tools and skills to physiologically relax, it can be overwhelming. Later in the blog post, I'll provide information on how you can navigate this.

How Traumatic Memories Are Stored Differently in the Brain

Researchers at Yale University and Mount Sinai were able to document that when people were recalling traumatic memories—instead of simply a sad memory—the traumatic memories were not stored in the hippocampus (via fMRI imaging). When they recalled the traumatic memory, that part of the brain did not light up. Whereas when they recalled a sad memory, there was the expected activity in the hippocampus. ( Reference for research : Perl, et al. Neural patterns differentiate traumatic from sad autobiographical memories in PTSD. Nature Neuroscience, November, 2023)

The hippocampus is our file organizer for memories. When normal memories are stored, there's activity in the left front part of our brain—where our language centers are and where we think about stories in narrative fashion.

Traumatic memories are stored in the right back part of the brain, which produces nonverbal memories and remembers sensory details. This part of the brain is in the limbic system—the part that doesn't have a sense of time. Research has shown that when stress chemicals flood our system, they shut off access to the hippocampus and normal memory storage.

Just knowing that your traumatic memories are stored differently in your brain can help increase self-compassion. The trauma had a physical impact on you and your brain, and it is not your fault.

Getting over that sense of self-blame and shame is essential to recovery.

Neuroplasticity

Now, I do not want you to get discouraged hearing that trauma had a physical impact on you, because it is possible to heal and rewire the brain. This is because we have neuroplasticity—our brains are changeable.

Neuroplasticity means that a neuron (a brain cell) can be molded through our experiences, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and habits. I go into a much deeper dive on this in a free webinar I have (** Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence **). Just know that you can change the neurochemistry of your brain. This is what EMDR and other trauma-informed, trauma-focused therapies work toward.

How EMDR Processes Traumatic Memories

With traumatic memories, you cannot just will them away. You cannot just "get over it."

But "processing" traumatic memories can move them from the limbic system where they are stored (with all their intensity and emotion) into your long-term memory storage. This is one of the goals of EMDR therapy.

The Importance of Physiological Safety and the Processing Stage

Some people feel that when they talk about their trauma, they get re-traumatized. And this can be the case. The most important thing needed so that this does not happen is to integrate the processing of the memory with physiological relaxation and at least some sense of safety.

I know a sense of safety is very difficult for many trauma survivors. However, practicing physiological relaxation techniques help you learn to move at least to a place of neutrality where your body can feel like, "I am not in danger this immediate moment"—that is sufficient.

EMDR therapists are trained to work with people prior to the active processing stage to make sure they can stay in a zone of tolerance. I talk more about the zone of tolerance in other blogs and videos on emotional regulation, but it means staying within a certain range of emotion—not getting too hyper and not shutting down into a freeze state.

Learning emotional regulation skills prior to active processing is important. When you begin to actively process the memory—actively bring it up, talk about it—you notice the very early signals that you are getting too activated or moving into a freeze dissociative state. Then you return to some grounding techniques, diaphragmatic breathing, to a feeling of safety with the therapist you are working with.

Once you have lowered your pulse rate and re-centered, you can go back in. **It is the modulation and moving between different physiological states that helps the processing.** You are processing it into more of a story, more of a narrative that happened in the past, and that happens over time.

Memory Fragments Come Together

WIth EMDR, as the memory becomes a story, it is less fragmented. It has less of a physiological impact.

When I worked with people using EMDR, it would often surprise me how different pieces would begin to fill in the memory, and often how the focus of the memory could shift.

Here is an example of a client who was in a serious car accident. Now, I avoid using detailed examples of trauma in my posts because they can be very triggering for people. If you are particularly sensitive to car accidents, you can skip this section.

This client initially remembered flashes, smells, sounds, lights, but not much about what happened immediately before or after the accident. As it was processed, they began to fill other details about the accident and about what happened prior to the accident.
Toward the end of the processing, they remembered what happened after—the fact that the EMS team showed up and that they received the help they needed. This portion of the memory became a very important part of the memory for them.

Prior to the processing, the feeling of "I'm in danger" had surfaced every time they had the memory. This belief gradually changed into "I can find the support I need."

The memory changed from a fragmented, sensory memory into a narrative memory. It no longer flooded them with the sights, sounds, and smells of the accident.

The client was able to move to a physical understanding that the event happened awhile ago and that they were physically safe sitting in my office, a feeling of being okay.

Processing Negative Core Beliefs

The other thing that gets processed with EMDR are the negative core beliefs that go with trauma. All traumas change some element of self-concept. EMDR therapists are trained in helping you identify these negative core beliefs and finding a "good enough" positive belief that can be strengthened.

A feeling of "I'm in danger" (in a car accident, for example) can move to a feeling of "I can find the support I need."

Bilateral Stimulation

Another thing that makes EMDR unique is the bilateral stimulation of the brain. This is often done with eye movements, but can also be with sounds that alternate between the left and right ear, or tappers that alternate a pressure in opposing palms. This external stimulation of both parts of the brain helps facilitate having the whole brain involved in thinking about the trauma, not just the fear center of the brain. For processing trauma, you want to make sure your whole brain is online, which is connected to that physiological relaxation. When you are relaxed, your whole brain is online. When you are in fight, flight, freeze mode, it is your limbic system, your amygdala taking over.

When Professional Help Is Not Accessible

I know that not everybody has access to an EMDR therapist or a trauma-informed therapist.

If you are in that situation, I encourage learning the emotional regulation tools. There is also an online Virtual EMDR software program that assists you in self-administered EMDR (Click here for information. If you decide to move forward, put this code into the promo box on checkout for 20% off: AWAKENJOY20.

Self-administered EMDR is not for everyone ( here's a video on that topic ). However, I have talked to many people who have benefited from the VIRTUALEMDR Software. (I am an affiliate, which means this channel/blog receives some support if you sign up through this link)

Moving Forward with Hope

You cannot will your traumatic memories away. Avoiding them and avoiding the things that trigger them does not help in the long run.

I hope you know that **healing is possible.** Processing your traumatic memories can move them into long-term memory storage where they will feel like they happened long ago in the past and you are not re-experiencing them. This also means that the sights, sounds, and situations that may have triggered you into a PTSD reaction will not trigger you.

While you might want to erase the memory completely, moving it into long-term storage is a major win.

I hope this was helpful! I wish you health and healing. See you next week.

Reference for research: Perl, et al. Neural patterns differentiate traumatic from sad autobiographical memories in PTSD. Nature Neuroscience, November, 2023

How to Calm Your Emotional Reactivity

Fri, 24 Oct 2025 16:15:50 GMT

Emotional reactivity causes so many problems! Here's 6 strategies to calm your reactivity.

How to Stop Reacting and Start Responding

When you get reactive, what happens? Do you:

Lash out in anger?
Automatically say yes when you mean no?
Shut down in the middle of a conversation
Run away?

We all have our habitual mode of reactivity, but what these reactions have in common is that they're not conscious choices and they usually lead to negative consequences.

Today's blog explains how calming down reactivity is the most important skill for regulating emotions.

By the end of this article, you'll understand what reactivity is and where yours came from.

You'll understand that power lies in the space—the space between an event and our reaction or the space between our emotion and our response. And I'm going to share six strategies for expanding that space, allowing you to choose how to respond instead of defaulting to automatic reactive behavior.

Understanding Reactivity: It's Not Your Personality

Most of us live far more reactively than we realize. We have automatic behaviors that kick in, and we repeat them over and over to the point where we say, "Well, that's who I am. That's my personality." But when you understand the origin of reactivity, you'll probably shift that belief.

Our reactive pattern comes from our fight, flight, and freeze survival mechanism—a primitive survival mechanism.

If we grow up in a dysfunctional family or with significant trauma or stress (including neglect), we develop patterns very young that help us survive. When they become so ingrained that we repeat them over and over later in life, they prove ineffective.

For example, if you have a parent who rages, you might learn to freeze or flee. Then later in life, any time there's conflict, you either freeze or flee. A different child in that same family might be the one who fights with the rageful parent. They grow up feeling that in order to survive, they have to fight with that parent, so they become the fighter. Then later in life, whenever there's conflict or stress, they fight.

The Four Reactive Patterns

There are four reactive patterns. Three are the ones mentioned above that you are probably familiar with: fight, flight, and freeze.

The fourth is the fawn response, which is when someone immediately engages in people-pleasing behavior or diminishes themselves to accommodate another. This response also comes from trauma. Someone who fawns automatically moves into a position of appeasing the other. As a child, this might have been necessary for survival, and then it becomes deeply ingrained—so ingrained it feels like part of your personality. Later in life you find yourself doing it constantly, even when it's unnecessary.

The Costs of Chronic Reactivity

Chronic reactivity comes with serious costs:

1. You often feel out of control and ashamed. You know that these reactions don't lead to the outcome you want. This brings up significant shame and guilt.

2. Reactivity causes damage to relationships. If you're a fighter, this is obvious. But it damages relationships if you're a fleer as well. If you're a freezer, people often feel shut out. If you fawn, people feel like they don't know where you stand and can't be close to you. All four reactive patterns impact our relationships.

3. You aren't making decisions aligned with your values and long-term goals.

4. You're reinforcing the neural pathways each time you engage in these behaviors.

The Power of the Space Between The Event and The Response

One of the greatest quotes on this topic comes from Viktor Frankl:

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist and neurologist who survived the Nazi concentration camps. He wrote an incredible book I highly recommend called Man's Search for Meaning . He founded a school of thought within psychology and psychiatry based on the premise that man's search for meaning is the most powerful motivational force in our lives.

You are not your automatic reactions.

You have the capacity to choose.

We're going to talk about strengthening that capacity to choose and expanding your ability to access that space between the stimulus and the response.

Six Strategies for Expanding the Space

Strategy #1: Awarenes s of your habitual pattern and awareness of when you initially get triggered.

Know what situations, people, or emotional events trigger your reactivity. Learn to recognize the signs.

Some signs could be physical: your face getting hot or your pulse rate increasing.

Some might be behavioral: you might have a nervous habit or something you say when you are nervous that you don't mean.
Some signs might be cognitive: your mind goes blank if you're a freezer.

The quicker you recognize the signs, the quicker you can adjust and slow your reactivity.

One exercise to expond your awareness is to keep a journal for a week or two. Note at the end of each day: Did I get reactive today? What was the situation? What did I do? When did I realize I was being reactive? As you pay attention and think it through, I guarantee your awareness will begin earlier and earlier.

Strategy #2: Stop, Take Five, and Think

The second you realize that something reactive is happening within you: Stop, take five deep breaths and think.

You don't have to respond right away. You don't have to answer someone immediately. If you're a fleer, you don't have to run away right away. Stay grounded, take five.

That "take five" can vary. Sometimes it's just five breaths in the moment. Sometimes you might need five minutes. With bigger issues, you might need five hours—you might need time to process what's going on.

Strategy #3: Reset Your Physiology

Regularly practice the things that help you calm your physiology in the moment.

I guarantee that when you get reactive, your pulse rate jumps, your breathing becomes more shallow, and your muscles become more tense. You may or may not be aware of those different physical signals, but as you think this through, you'll become more aware.

The best tools for physiologically relaxing are grounding tools and diaphragmatic breathing tools. You take them everywhere you go, they're free and they're accessible. However, you need to practice them when you're not reactive in order to be able to access them when you are.

I often recommend people practice one of these tools (whichever one is easier or more accessible) for minutes at a time, a few times a day. This gives you greater ability to access that tool when you are activated.

There are other tools that work for people: playing with your pet, taking them for a walk, being out in nature. Those things may not always be accessible, so it's good to have the other tools as well. Know what tools work for you.

Strategy #4: Mindfulness and Meditation

I know these are hard for many people, but these are the tools that will give you the greatest ability to pause—to access that space between something upsetting and your response.

I talk more about this in a free webinar I have called Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence . It's about an hour and 15 minutes and definitely worth it. I hear from many people that they learn a tremendous amount. It's about rewiring the neural pathways that have developed over a long period of time and lead to your reactive behavior.

Strategy #5: Cognitive Reappraisal

This is about thinking about the situation differently. This is not an early step in this process because with reactivity, you must first access some physiological calming so your amygdala calms down. This enables you to bring your frontal lobe online, so you can begin to think about the situation and have the capacity to change how you are thinking about it.

This is a much bigger topic than I can address fully today, but I have several videos and blogs on cognitive distortions, and this blog also discusses it: Skills for Emotional Regulation .

Example 1: Let's say you are highly sensitive to criticism and you become very reactive when criticized. When your boss criticizes you, your brain might jump into "I could lose my job" or "I hate my boss, but I'm trapped and can't get out of this." At the same time, your body is reacting as if you're in physical danger.

There are several different ways of seeing the situation that are probably more accurate:

• Your boss is kind of a jerk. He doesn't deliver criticism well, and it impacts everyone. It is unpleasant, but you are not in physical danger, and the catastrophizing is not needed. If you want to find a different boss and a different job, you can calm down and plan accordingly.

• Or let's say your boss is generally reasonable and you know you are overreacting. You can reassure yourself that you're not in physical danger, and reassure yourself that it is ok to make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes, which is true. Bosses usually offer criticism because they care about the employee and want to help them improve. If you look at it as a tool for learning—with a feeling of "I'm ok as I am, I just need to learn some things differently" you will be able to calm down and take productive action.

Example 2: A friend doesn't text you back and you immediately get worried you might have done something wrong. You review your last conversations, going over and over them. Your thoughts escalate about how made the person is, or that they will disappear. If you are able to identify that this way of thinking is a habitual pattern from your past, you can stand back from your reactivity and assess it. Bringing in cognitive reappraisal and recognizing the pattern, will help you shift your thinking to, "She's probably just busy. I can try her again tomorrow."

Strategy #6: Value-Based Decision Making

Once you've calmed down and created space, you can think through what response to the difficult situation best reflects your values and your goals in life.

Ask yourself:

• What response would be most aligned with my values and my long-term goals?

• What response helps achieve what I want to achieve?

• What response will make me feel good about my handling of the situation no matter what the outcome is?

Knowing our values is a North Star for us. It relates to the concept that the search for meaning is vital.

In the Roadmap program I have ( Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence ), the first module is on identifying your values. Which ones do are truly yours versus the ones you were told to have by family or society? What are the most important ones?

This self-exploration helps guide your decisions throughout life .

Remember to Practice the Tools and Have Self-Compassion, and Freedom

Practice makes progress—all of this takes practice and time.

Have self-compassion. Know where your reactivity came from and that it made sense to develop this pattern.

The freedom is in the response you choose, not in the automatic reaction.

You can still feel anger, and yet not act out in anger . You can feel anger, and choose your response.

You can still get your feelings hurt, and yet not act out with your habitual pattern.

All of us will have our feelings hurt, something will make us angry, things will happen that make us sad. All of this is going to happen.

I know it can be very tempting to listen to those people who say, "If you do everything right, life is perfect." But that simply isn't true.

Knowing your emotions, knowing yourself, and being able to choose your response—that's a wonderful thing.

If you found value in this blog, please share it with someone else you might benefit!

I appreciate you, and I'll see you next week.

Trauma and Emotional Dysregulation

Fri, 17 Oct 2025 15:56:19 GMT

Traumatic reactions hit out of the blue, coming from nowhere. These responses don't feel caused by a thought or a particular way of thinking. They feel out of control and overwhelming.

If you've experienced significant trauma, you've probably felt deeply discouraged by the advice you receive. The tools and techniques shared for emotional regulation—whether in therapy, educational videos, or self-help resources—can seem almost irrelevant, or at best, far too simplistic. The cognitive behavioral therapy cycle, relied upon heavily in therapeutic contexts, feels disconnected from your lived reality.

Today I want to explain how trauma causes emotional dysregulation and I'll explain what happens in our body and mind when we experience trauma. Memories are stored differently in ways that impact emotional dysregulation indefinitely until you can heal, process, and resolve the traumas.

I also want to share the hope that this healing is possible and I'll discuss how to adapt typical suggestions for yourself if you've experienced significant trauma.

Understanding Traumatic Events

A traumatic event is one in which a person is threatened physically, emotionally, or spiritually in a way that presents a survival threat.

This can also apply to a threat to personhood, .particularly for children who are developing their sense of self, which is closely tied to their caregivers. Neglect and emotional abuse can have very long-lasting impact.

Not all trauma is major physical abuse, war, or actual exposure to death, which is how trauma used to be defined. The definition is now broader.

With the definition above, trauma causes a person to be emotionally overwhelmed. The situation is beyond their ability to cope. They experience severe emotional dysregulation, which makes sense for the situation. But trauma can also cause ongoing emotional dysregulation.

What Happens in Your Body During Trauma

What happens during a traumatic event is that adrenaline floods your system, enabling you to run, fight, or freeze. Then cortisol kicks in, and the cortisol actually shuts down your hippocampus in a way that prevents the memory of that event from moving into long-term storage. The memory stays in the emotional brain.

When you think about it, this makes sense. In prehistoric times when we lived in a world where physical survival was constantly in question, having threats to our physical survival stay in the emotional brain—in the immediacy and intensity of the emotional brain—served a protective purpose.

Traumatic memories feel very different from other memories.

One crucial aspect of traumatic memories is that they're often stored in fragments—fragments of a smell or a sound. They don't always have a full narrative. The traumatic event is embedded in your emotional memory where sensory information is tied to a physiological response. This has real implications for us on an ongoing basis in terms of emotional regulation.

Another key factor is that our limbic system, our emotional brain, has no sense of time. These memories are stored without a linear sense of time, without any understanding that an event occurred, say, 40 years ago. Time is a concept understood by the cognitive parts of our brain—the frontal lobe.

When these sensory fragments are triggered, your body responds as if that event is happening now.

Intense experiences link the sensory information surrounding the trauma to the emotional response you have during the trauma. This is what becomes a trigger.

These triggers can actually be positive or negative - any experience with an intense emotional impact can cause this. For example, if there's a smell that reminds you of your grandmother who was a positive figure in your life and comforting, that smell might bring up those feelings of comfort and relaxation even 40 years later.

Triggers can work both ways, but they tend to be more intense with negative experiences. When people talk about a trauma trigger or an emotional trigger, this is the link they're referring to.

These links are stronger the more intense the initial experience was and the more often it happened—particularly when you were a child.

The more often the link is reinforced as you're growing up and in your current life, the stronger it becomes.

This happens with either big-T or little-t traumas.

Preverbal memories can also create these links. Preverbal trauma refers to trauma that happened in very early childhood - before the child was verbal or able to think in a linear fashion with a sense of time. Trauma triggers are especially difficult for people who have had preverbal trauma.

They may have no memory of the trauma. They just might have the triggers disrupting their emotional regulation on an ongoing basis.

Why Traditional CBT Feels Irrelevant for Trauma Survivors

The typical cognitive behavioral therapy cycle has been proven to be very effective by considerable research. But for people who have experienced significant trauma, it doesn't feel effective. Let me explain why.

The typical CBT cycle states that our feelings are primarily caused by either our behaviors or our thoughts. It is based on the premise that how we think about something creates an emotional response, and on how behaviors can contribute to the emotional response and the negative thinking.

All these elements interact with each other. How you think impacts how you feel and behave, how you feel impacts your behaviors and your thoughts, and your behaviors impact your thoughts and feelings. They're all connected.

CBT focuses on changing thoughts and behaviors to impact how you feel.

But what happens with someone who's experienced trauma is that the sensory information rushes in and creates the physical and emotional feelings.

The person experiencing that wi ll think, "My thoughts have nothing to do with this. I was triggered before any thought happened." And that is true.

I agree that trauma triggers create the emotional response. The other elements aren't happening—it's not caused by your conscious thoughts. So you can't cure it with your conscious thoughts alone. But let's examine this cycle in a way that might be truly helpful for you.

Adapting the CBT Cycle for Trauma Survivors

A key concept to remember is that you may not be able to stop that initial feeling.

I know you want that initial feeling to stop, but bear with me.

The sensory information comes in. You immediately have dysregulated feelings related to a fight, flight, or freeze response. Common responses include total shutdown, anger, rage, fear, anxiety, and panic. Those are all typical trauma trigger responses.

Let's say you can't stop this initial response.

Then it's helpful to think through what happens after this occurs. After this happens, you might engage in some behavior that isn't helpful in the long run, or you might go down a thought pattern of "What is wrong with me? I'm defective. I'll never get over this."

Either the unhelpful behaviors—which could be drinking or eating too much or screaming and yelling at someone—or the thought patterns will cause other problems down the line. Many different behaviors can come from these feelings that will cause problems later. There are many thought patterns that come from this that all contribute back into the problem.

What I want to encourage you to do initially is this: if these triggers are going to hit you, how do you help the cycle end there? What can you do to intervene at that moment without running to the behaviors that will make things worse or the thought patterns that will escalate all the feelings?

Understanding Your Personal Cycle

A key step is to understand your cycle. Understand what thought patterns—what rabbit hole thoughts—you go down after this happens. Understand what behaviors you engage in that don't serve you and might contribute to the problem.

Once you understand your cycle, bring in the concept of not letting yourself go down those pathways. You can deal with the trigger you're having, but leave it at that. It doesn't go into the rest of the cycle.

Resources for Breaking the Cycle

I have a couple of resources that will help with this, and I'll mention them now before returning to what else you can do when that trauma trigger hits.

Research has shown that trauma causes negative core beliefs to develop, changing your self-image. Knowing your own negative core beliefs is helpful in terms of identifying when you're spiraling down with negative thoughts.

I have a free PDF on identifying your negative core beliefs . This PDF will help you figure out what your core negative belief is. Examples include, "I'm in danger," "I'm defective," "I'm unlovable," "I'm not worthy." The PDF also gives you tools and techniques to begin rewiring those beliefs.

Professional Trauma Treatment Options

Traumatic memory processing with a trauma-informed therapist can be extremely helpful.

Trauma-informed therapy and processing traumatic memories can help them resolve in a way that those trauma triggers don't create such a strong emotional response.

Helpful techniques include trauma-informed cognitive behavioral therapy, somatic-based therapies and EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy).

When I was actively working as a psychotherapist with trauma survivors, I found EMDR to be the most effective treatment for trauma and anxiety, in most situations. EMDR combines physiological calming techniques with the reprocessing of memories in a way where you can move in and out of the physiological trauma response back into a sense of safety or calm, or at least groundedness in the present.

With any of these techniques, bringing in the sense of being here now—grounded in the present—while also discussing the trauma is essential.

Feelings come up, but then you reground.

Moving between those states while discussing the trauma helps to move it into long-term memory. It can take all of those fragments and turn them into more of a story and more of a long-term memory where you'll think, "Okay, I remember that happened, but I'm not re-experiencing it."

When you reach the point where you're not re-experiencing it, that's probably a point of resolution.

Self-Guided EMDR Option

I know that many of my viewers don't have access to quality therapy or trauma-informed therapy. There is an online resource that can be helpful called Virtual EMDR . (Use Promo Code: AWAKENJOY20 for 20% off. The program code must be put into the promo code box when you checkout for the discount! This is an online service I have used and I support!)

I am an affiliate because I do know that this program has helped many people. It's software that assists you in doing self-guided EMDR.

I have a video on whether doing self-administered EMDR is a good idea for you or not , because it's definitely not for everybody.

Daily Practices That Build Resilience

Beyond addressing the cycle and processing trauma, there's something else that can help you enormously: grounding techniques and breathing techniques, if practiced regularly .

Sometimes breathing techniques are not accessible to people who have had trauma. Grounding techniques can be somewhat easier to access, but breathing is excellent if it helps you calm down physiologically.

The key is to practice these techniques not in the middle of being triggered. Practice them when you're in a relatively stable space. The more you practice them, the more access you'll have to them. The more you'll be able to draw on them when you do get triggered.

I recommend that people do diaphragmatic breathing three times a day, five minutes at a time, every day, regularly.

If diaphragmatic breathing doesn't work for you, try grounding techniques. I'll link my videos on these topics here: Diaphragmatic Breathing and Grounding Techniques .

Practicing these regularly is crucial for people with a trauma background.

As you strengthen your ability to access physiologically relaxed—or at least not activated—states, you'll be able to bring them in earlier in this cycle. When that trauma trigger hits, you'll be able to access some of those grounding techniques.

This might not have a huge impact initially, but over time it will have a greater and greater impact on that physiological activation. Again, you may not be able to stop that initial trigger, but you'll be able to calm yourself down more quickly.

Moving Forward with Hope

I hope this has been helpful. This is a very complicated topic. I hope you can give yourself credit for getting through this article and really putting in the effort to heal. Know that this was not your fault, that healing is possible, and be willing to practice and practice and practice. You can get there.

Please let me know what questions you have. I wish you health and healing, and I'll "see you" next week!

Emotional Suppression

Thu, 09 Oct 2025 12:28:04 GMT

Emotional Suppression Can Backfire

The Hidden Costs of Emotional Suppression: Why Stuffing Down Your Feelings Backfires

Do you tend to stuff your feelings down, pushing away emotions like fear, sadness, and anger? This is called emotional suppression, and it's a common coping mechanism. But this strategy comes with significant hidden costs. Suppressing your emotions has been shown to increase your physiological stress response, impact your memory, and negatively affect your relationships. In the next few minutes, let's explore what emotional suppression is, why it backfires, and what you can do about it.

What Is Emotional Suppression?

Emotional suppression occurs when you inhibit your emotions. This can be done consciously or subconsciously. When it's done unconsciously, it is sometimes called repression.

The inhibition of emotion can affect what you show to the world and it can also be that you are denying the emotion even to yourself.

The Spectrum of Emotional Suppression

Emotional suppression exists on a spectrum. At one end, we all need to suppress the expression of our emotions occasionally in particular situations. This can be adaptive—not starting to cry in the middle of an intense negotiation at work, not erupting in anger at your boss or in public or at your spouse. We can choose when to share our emotions and temporarily suppress their expression. As long as we acknowledge the emotion and work through it at some point without too significant a delay, this is what I would call adaptive. It's a coping strategy that probably works for us.

Moving along the spectrum, some people have certain emotions they suppress, perhaps feelings of anger or sadness. Here, people are aware they're having that feeling, they don't want it, and they do what they can to push it down.

Toward the middle of the spectrum, people suppress almost all of their negative emotions (which has the side effect of suppressing positive ones as well). If we continue this pattern, or if we learned it very young, we reach the point where we're completely suppressing emotions without being aware of it.

At the far end of the spectrum is what's called repression, where the emotion is suppressed completely unconsciously, out of your conscious awareness.

Common Techniques Used to Suppress Emotions

Here are examples of several common suppression techniques:

*Staying too busy

Running on adrenaline, keeping too busy to deal with emotions. The internal dialogue (conscious or subconscious) might be, "I'm okay feeling all the anxiety and stress about all this stuff, but I'm not going to feel those deeper emotions—the hurt or the sadness, or even the anger."

*Avoidance

"I know that doing X, Y, Z thing makes me anxious. I'm going to avoid it." Avoidance is chosen instead of addressing why the activity makes you anxious, or upset, or irritated....

*Overriding with habitual emotions

Some people feel anxious all the time, and that anxiety probably covers up deeper and more difficult emotions—usually hurt or sadness. Other people might be angry all the time, and that anger does the same thing. It covers up those more vulnerable emotions that people don't like to feel. If this resonates with you, it's worth investigating.

I call the emotion we frequently feel, which covers up the vulnerable emotions, a "habitual emotion." This is a super common technique that I never hear discussed.

*False positivity

This could be false positivity to the outside world as well as to ourselves, essentially denying that we're having any difficult emotions.

*Denial

Simply refusing to acknowledge that you feel the difficult emotion(s).

Signs You Might Be Suppressing Emotions Without Knowing It

Signs that you might be suppressing your emotions without even being aware of it—whether it's subconscious or unconscious—could include:

- Chronic health issues

- Unexplained anxiety or depression

- Feeling detached

- Feeling numb

- Feeling unconnected from yourself or your own life

That last one is a signal of fairly advanced emotional suppression. There's no judgment here. This happens for many reasons, and these patterns are very common.

I recently released a video and blog on why people are emotionally dysregulated, which I'm guessing will attract those who have huge overblown emotions. But it also applies to people who suppress — emotional dysregulation includes both extremes. You can find these here: Why Am I So Emotionally Dysregulated Blog and Video .

Three Major Areas Impacted by Emotional Suppression

I want to highlight three areas that have been scientifically proven to be impacted if you regularly suppress your emotions:

1. How you feel, both physically (your physiology) and emotionally

2. How you think (your cognitions)

3. Relationships

Physiological and Emotional Impact

Research shows that when we suppress emotions, we actually make them stronger. They might leak out in other ways or be contained until they explode, but suppressing them generally makes them worse. It's also been shown that suppressing emotions takes significant energy and mental focus. There's a high cost in terms of the effort required.

There are cardiovascular connections to suppressing emotions, including higher blood pressure and constricted blood vessels. Research has shown a connection to certain chronic illnesses. While that research isn't definitive, it makes sense.

In one research study, people watched movies. One group was told to feel whatever they felt. The other group was told to try not to be impacted by what they were watching. While watching, researchers monitored their heart rate and blood pressure. They found actual evidence that people suppressing the emotion—really trying not to feel anything—had increased blood pressure and heart rate. Their stress chemicals were increasing.

Cognitive Impact

People's memories are worse if they're suppressing their emotions. This makes sense when we consider the energy issue I mentioned earlier. If you're putting your focus on suppressing the emotion, you're not paying attention to what is happening around you. We only encode in memory what we pay attention to.

What we are aware of, we encode. So if our focus is on suppressing our emotions, our memory won't be as strong.

Impact on Relationships

Generally when you suppress your emotions, you end up suppressing both negative and positive emotions. That isn't beneficial for relationships.

What I also find is that when someone suppresses their emotions and maintains false positivity, it can be very distancing for the other person—whether that's a partner, friend, romantic relationship, sibling, or parent-child relationship.

If someone is suppressing their emotions, you get this feeling that you don't know what's going on with them. They may feel like a stranger. This makes emotional intimacy very difficult.

I recently read fascinating research showing that when someone is next to a person who is actively suppressing their emotions, the person next to them experiences an increase in their stress chemicals. The research paired two people who didn't know each other, told one to suppress their emotions, and measured all the physiological signs in the other person.

I've experienced this myself. I can think of many examples where I'm worried about something or processing something, and I'm with someone who says "everything's fine"—it makes my stress levels rise. I could definitely relate to that research.

This has real-world impact: missing details in conversations, missing opportunities for emotional connection. Probably what's missing most deeply is an emotional connection with yourself, because, over time, you stop knowing what you're feeling. Eventually you might feel numbed out about everything, or your emotions just feel like a messy area you try to keep in a box without even knowing what they are.

The Solution: Changing How You Think About and Deal With Emotions

There is a solution, and while it will take time, it's worth the effort.

Step One: Begin to Think About Your Emotions Differently

**All emotions are giving you information.** Our emotions are a treasure trove of information that's helpful for navigating the world, for knowing what we want, for knowing who we are, where we want to go, what we aim for, who we want to be with. All of that is provided through our emotions.

Some emotions are pleasant to feel and others are unpleasant to feel. But if we stop thinking of them as bad or good, and look at all of them as providing information—"What information is this emotion giving me?"—changing that viewpoint will be enormously helpful.

The other viewpoint to change about emotions is to **separate the emotion from the behavior that comes from that emotion.** In working with people over 20 years as a therapist, so many would say, "Anger is bad. Anger is bad." No, the feeling of anger is not bad. The behavior that anger can lead to—acting out in anger—can lead to pretty negative consequences. That behavior you might judge as good or bad, but the feeling itself is not bad.

Think about unpleasant versus pleasant—that's real and valid. Some emotions we like feeling. Some we don't. But don't tie the emotion to behavior that either comes from it for you or for other people.

Many people I worked with who suppressed their emotions had a parent who would act out in anger constantly, and that child had to learn to suppress their emotions to survive. But as they grew up, it also rationally made sense to them: "I don't want to be horrible like my parent. I don't want to explode in anger, be abusive, do all that stuff. And that's what anger does."

No—anger doesn't do that. The behavior that comes from your feeling might do that. But other behaviors are likely to be more effective, and they don't do that.

This is the big first step: changing your opinion of what emotions are.

Step Two: Acceptance and Validation

The second major step is accepting and validating the emotions you are having.

For many of us, while we were growing up our emotions were not validated. This is very common, and it can lead to numerous emotional regulation problems.

Here's an example of accepting and validating an angry response you are having:

"Yes, I feel angry. I'm going to validate that something happened and my response was anger. There is a reason I'm feeling the anger, and I can look into what that reason is. Once I understand that, I can decide my response."

When you accept and acknowledge your emotions—some people talk about inviting them in for tea—you can then explore: "What information is this emotion telling me? Is the anger telling me that somebody crossed my boundaries? Is the anger telling me that somebody hurt me?"

Anger is often a cover-up emotion. But by accepting it, validating it, and then beginning to investigate it, you can figure out what triggered it, why, and what the deeper, more vulnerable emotion underneath it. And then decide how you'd like to respond.

Additional Tools: Mindfulness and Self-Exploration

In one of my major online programs called the Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence , we have an entire section on understanding your emotions. Before we get to that section, there's a section on mindfulness and meditation because that's a wonderful way to begin sitting with your emotions—really sitting with how your emotions connect to your thoughts, to your physiology, and understanding all the connections. With mindfulness meditation, you begin to see it all so much more clearly.

In that program, we start with an exploration of our values and of what we want—an internal exploration to begin figuring out who you truly are, authentically. Emotional intimacy starts with yourself.

Moving Forward

To summarize, begin thinking about emotional suppression as a tool you're using to regulate your emotions. It's probably not the most effective tool unless it's being used in very specific occasional situations. If you think of it as a tool you're using to regulate your emotions, you can open up to exploring other emotional regulation tools. I just released a video on that topic.

Know that your emotions are information, not enemies. Know that the emotion doesn't need to dictate the behavior that comes from it. And know you can improve your emotional regulation at any age.

Why Am I SO Emotionally Dysregulated?

Thu, 02 Oct 2025 09:27:40 GMT

People who are emotionally dysregulated frequently feel shame... and they certainly can be shamed by others. This dysregulation is not your fault AND you can improve your regulation.

Have you been labeled as "too emotional?"

Or even too unemotional ?

People who struggle with emotional dysregulation often wonder: why is regulating my emotions so much more difficult than it seems to be for others?

Here's what I want you to understand: none of us are born with emotional regulation .

Emotional regulation is learned , and we primarily learn it from our early caregivers.

If you've spent any time with infants, you know that humans aren't born with an innate capacity to regulate their emotions. Infants are incredibly emotionally dysregulated. Toddlers as well. Caregivers help infants and toddlers regulate their emotions in a number of ways:

By satisfying their basic needs for food and sleep (essential for emotional regulation!)

By soothing the baby when it is upset

By calming the baby down when it is time for sleep

By energizing the baby when it is time to be active

Many parents and caregivers do this automatically, instinctually. They change their facial expressions and modulate their voices. They rock and move in a way to help the child emotionally regulate.

But if your caregivers were not emotionally regulated themselves, this doesn't happen. If your parents lacked strong emotional regulation skills and techniques, learning these capacities would have been exponentially more difficult for you.

How We Learn Emotional Regulation

There's a natural and instinctual process through which infants and toddlers learn emotional regulation techniques. They absorb it by "osmosis" rather than through direct instruction such as "This is what I do to regulate."

When someone slows their breathing and we're in their presence, we generally slow ours as well. For an infant being held by someone who slows their breathing, this effect is even more pronounced.

Through this natural process, toddlers and infants learn these techniques. As children grow older, they learn what emotions are from their caregivers. They learn to identify emotions, to manage them, and eventually to problem solve—if they have guidance and support.

For those of us who weren't raised by parents with strong emotional regulation, learning these skills is significantly more challenging.

We can still learn them—absolutely—but it requires considerably more time and effort than it does for someone raised by emotionally regulated people.

Eliminating the Shame

I want to share this information for several reasons, but my primary goal with this blog is to help eliminate the shame that accompanies dysregulation. **

It's not your fault, and it's not your inherent personality.

Others might perceive our personalities as heavily influenced by our emotional regulation, but that's not truly who we are.

I'm also sharing this to convey hope: you can change. The skills and techniques are learnable .

What About Emotional Suppression?

Emotional suppression is also a type of emotional dysregulation. Emotional suppression creates numerous problems, including physical health issues and problems in relationships.

I recently discussed this in a video on parentification and emotional regulation. Many children who are parentified somehow manage to develop emotional regulation techniques that appear effective. They do this to take care of a parent or family member who is not emotionally regulated.

However, these children have actually learned to suppress their emotions rather than to truly regulate them. They've learned to suppress their own needs, wants, and desires so that they can survive. Their survival depends on keeping a parent or other family member functioning.

In these situations, it can appear that the child is MORE emotionally regulated than the parent. And they might be MORE regulated than their parent, but it is not true emotional regulation. Next week's blog and video will be on the Hidden Costs of Emotional Suppression.

Factors That Impact Emotional Regulation

Several factors affect your capacity to learn and implement emotional regulation techniques. Here are the key factors that disrupt our ability to emotionally regulate:

1. Trauma, particularly during childhood, though also later in life

2. Living in an extremely stressful environment, particularly during childhood

3. Our biology and neurobiology

For example, people with ADHD have significantly more difficulty (this is neurological) regulating their emotions.

HOWEVER, regardless of why learning emotion regulation techniques was difficult for you, or why implementing them is challenging now, the process of learning emotional regulation remains the same. AND the need to practice these techniques regularly is also the same.

Whether the cause is biological, neurobiological, experiential, or trauma-related, you can learn these techniques.

Resources for Your Journey

I want to direct you to several other resources, and then I'll address one more point about the difficult parenting you may have received.

This blog is part of a comprehensive series on emotional regulation. In the last couple of weeks, I've released two blogs that can help expand your understanding: Emotional Dysregulation (what it is and what you can do) and Emotional Regulation Skills , which reviews scientifically proven effective techniques.

I'm currently working on videos and blogs that address emotional suppression and how trauma impacts emotional dysregulation (so stay tuned!).

Moving Beyond Blame

Returning to the issue of poor parenting: we can become stuck blaming our parents for their failures and their own emotional dysregulation. But these patterns are passed down through generations.

While a period of blame or anger may be necessary for growth and processing, remaining stuck in that blame for too long will not improve your emotional regulation.

I'm not focusing on the concept of forgiveness here, which I believe is complex and often misunderstood. Instead, I'm emphasizing understanding—recognizing that your parents may have experienced the same deficits in their own childhoods. This understanding can help redirect your energy toward your own healing, which is where it needs to be .

One Last Resource

I have a free PDF called ** Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs **. Many people have found it extremely helpful for identifying beliefs that become ingrained when we experience inadequate parenting. This resource may be valuable for you as well.

Please let me know your thoughts and any questions you have. I'll see you next week.

Emotional Regulation: Scientifically Proven Skills

Tue, 23 Sep 2025 15:52:29 GMT

Emotional regulation isn't about your personality.

It's actually about whether you've learned the right skills and strategies for managing your emotions.

The Science of Emotional Regulation: Learnable Skills That Change Everything

We often think that our personality is intricately linked with how we manage our emotions.

In some ways, this makes sense. The manifestation of our personality involves how emotionally regulated we are and what we do with our emotions. That's what other people see, and it might be how they perceive us.

But here's the key: these are not inherent traits . These are learnable skills .

And improving how you regulate your emotions can dramatically improve your satisfaction in life.

Today I'm going to share evidence-based scientific research that demonstrates that learnable skills help with emotional regulation.

Emotional Regulation Is Tied to How We Integrate These Skills

Emotional regulation is not about any single skill. It's about a collection of learnable skills that work together.

The magic of emotional regulation is actually in the integration of this set of skills.

I'm going to walk you through the cognitive, behavioral, and physiological skills that work most effectively when integrated and applied at the right time. Timing and application are key because research has demonstrated that proactively using these skills is the most effective approach. This means using them ahead of time, not after you're already in an overblown emotional state.

Cognitive Skills for Emotional Regulation

Two of the most impactful cognitive skills for emotional regulation are: Cognitive Reappraisal and Affect Labeling.

Cognitive Reappraisal: Changing How You Think About Something

I'm sure you've heard that how you think about things causes your emotions. I actually don't think that is completely true. However, how we think definitely influences our emotions. I know it's not always easy to change how we think, but that's why this is a skill. It requires practice and exploration.

**Examples of cognitive reappraisal:**

You did terribly on an exam. Instead of seeing that as a sign of your failure—that you are a total failure—you can see it as a signal. You might need to change your study habits. You might need to speak with the professor. There might be strategies that need to be employed to help you improve your performance. You could see it as information rather than a pervasive condemnation of your abilities.

The same principle applies if a job interview goes badly or a date goes badly. Instead of thinking "I'm a loser, I'm never going to find a good job, I'm never going to find somebody to date," you could think, "This is about finding a fit for me. Let me see what I can learn within each situation."

Now, I know it's not easy to make these changes. But scientifically conducted research has shown that cognitive reappraisal can lower the intensity of the emotion you're feeling. It can also change the expression so that you express less of that emotion on your face and publicly. And it does this without the backlash of simply suppressing emotions.

Suppressing emotions has been demonstrated in this same research to actually activate your physiology and exacerbate your emotional response.

One reason this isn't easy—and this isn't always discussed—is that we learn negative core beliefs about ourselves when we are very young. These come from dysfunctional family situations, from traumas, and from difficult situations we experience. Those negative core beliefs get ingrained so deeply that we believe they're truths. We don't see them as cognitions or as ways that we're thinking about ourselves. We see them as who we really are.

I do offer a free PDF called Transform Your Negative Core Belief. It helps you identify what your core negative belief is which underlies your cognitive distortions. It also provides you with techniques to begin overturning that core negative belief.

Affect Labeling: Naming Your Emotions

Research shows that affect labeling is extremely effective.

If you are feeling really upset, name it. Say it out loud if you can. "I feel very angry right now." "I feel really sad." "I feel super confused."

Labeling your emotions brings in your prefrontal cortex in a way that communicates with your amygdala. Your amygdala controls your fight, flight, freeze response. This prefrontal cortex engagement has been shown with FMRI studies to calm down your amygdala. ( This blog explains this ).

Both of these cognitive techniques work because they stimulate your frontal lobe which controls your executive functioning. This is the part of your brain that can begin to think about solutions to the problems you're facing instead of simply being in that reactive space of the fight, flight and freeze response.

Behavioral Techniques for Emotional Regulation

Now let's talk about behavioral techniques. In the behavioral area, I want to discuss **situation modification** and **where you place your attention**.

Situation Modification: Changing What You Can

Situation modification basically means asking: is there something about the upsetting situation that you can change or modify?

**Examples of situation modification**

For example, if you know you have to have a really difficult conversation with someone—a family member or a boss—make sure you're choosing a time when you're well rested and when you've had something to eat. You don't want to be too hungry. How can you modify the situation so it can go as well as possible?

Situation modification can also involve preparing some responses you might want to say or creating guidelines for yourself. If there are family members you want to stay in touch with, but they drink way too much, you can decide to meet them for breakfast or lunch instead. You can stop meeting them for dinner. You can stop calling them after four in the afternoon. All of these would be steps you can take to modify difficult situations.

It's interesting because some research shows that **cognitive reappraisal is not very effective if it's actually a situation you could modify**. Thinking about the situation differently with a relative who drinks too much may not be helpful if you could actually change something about the situation. You can't change their drinking, but you can talk to them at a different time of day. That's more effective than trying to talk yourself out of being upset when you talk to them and they're intoxicated.

Attentional Deployment: Where You Place Your Attention

The other behavioral technique is called attentional deployment. It basically means: where do you place your attention?

Let's talk about a really upsetting family event you're attending. There are certain people who argue politics and you just can't stand it. Figure out how to put your attention elsewhere. You can have a plan ahead of time if you know you're going into a situation that tends to get your emotions out of control. Make a decision to pay attention to the kids who are there, or do the dishes, or decide you're going to pay more attention to helping serve the food rather than getting involved in long discussions.

Where we place our attention is very powerful.

This ties into the third area of physiology because sometimes paying attention to the exact present moment is super helpful. Very often the things that are really upsetting to us are tied to things we are projecting into the future or ruminating about from the past.

But often right here, right now—take a deep breath—right here, right now is okay. I'm not talking about this being in the middle of family chaos or work chaos, but often we can find spaces even within those situations. We can take a moment, take a deep breath, and place our attention perhaps on a handful of the good things that are happening. We can appreciate something about the moment rather than getting stuck in projections or going over and over the past.

Attentional deployment, as you can tell, brings in the cognitive piece as well as the physiology of being in the moment.

Physiologically Calming Techniques

Two effective physiologically calming techniques are grounding techniques and "savoring the senses."

Grounding Techniques

Many people find that grounding techniques are more helpful than breathing techniques. I think once you practice grounding techniques, you will develop a greater capacity to focus on the breath and bring in breathing techniques. Both are really helpful.

Grounding techniques are about utilizing your senses to enhance your awareness of the present moment.

Grounding techniques could involve stamping your feet on the floor and really feeling the floor. You could try it right now. If you're feeling very agitated, you can stamp quickly. If you're not agitated, just roll your foot on the floor and feel that sensation. **

The more attention you can bring to that grounding technique, the more it will actually change your body chemicals and physiology. (Here's a video on Grounding Techniques ).

Savoring the Senses

This is actually a specific grounding technique, but I thought it was worth highlighting.

You can pick one sense—let's say the sense of smell. I know people who carry an essential oil that has a smell they find centering and grounding. Or you could use a cup of herbal tea. Pick something that has a smell that is comforting to you, and then really take a moment to breathe it in. Really expand the impact of that sense.

One of my favorite senses to use is hearing. It almost doesn't matter what you're hearing, and you can do this anytime, anywhere. You can do it right now. Just take a moment to listen without judgment, without judging the sounds. Don't think "Oh, I like that one. I don't like that one."

J ust listen to what the sound sounds like.

Then take a moment and see what's the furthest away sound you can hear.

Now what's the closest sound you can hear?

As you do this, notice physically if anything is shifting for you.

The Magic Is in Integration and Timing

As I said, "the magic of these techniques is in their integration."

To talk about this, I'm going to use the process model of emotions (which I discussed in more detail in last week's video and blog ).

This model starts with a situation. Within that situation, there's what you pay attention to. Then there's your evaluation, your cognitive process—what you are thinking about what you've paid attention to in that situation. That's what develops your emotional response.

Your emotional response has a physiological reaction in the body (physical reaction). It has an experiential component (what emotion you are feeling), and it's tied to a behavior. This includes what you're showing on your face to the world as well as what you're doing. Then that emotional response feeds back into the situation.

Early Intervention Is Most Effective

In terms of regulating what emotions are going to come out of all of this, the earlier you can use some of these strategies, the better.

For example, people usually try to bring in physiologically calming techniques after they've had their full-blown emotional response. This has been proven not to be effective. If it is effective, it often has a cost in terms of tying it to that suppression of emotion, which has many other negative impacts. It also takes a lot of energy to calm yourself down once you've had this full-blown response.

Utilizing some of those physiological techniques before you get into a potentially upsetting situation is much more effective.

I also recommend that people practice the physiologically relaxing techniques on a regular basis. Don't tie them to any situation. Do diaphragmatic breathing three times a day, every day for five minutes at a time. If you practice it—remember these are skills that take practice and learning—it becomes much more accessible to you. Then you can also bring it in when you're in the middle of the situation.

If you bring it in before the situation, and then again during the situation, it will help you adjust your attention. This then helps you do the cognitive reappraisal, and it will help you deal with your emotions before they're full blown.

We can also bring in the cognitive reappraisal before the situation begins. Before we go to take that exam, before we go to the job interview, before we go to the upsetting family dinner, we can begin to utilize cognitive reappraisal.

And we can combine that cognitive reappraisal with the physiologically calming techniques and deep breathing .

This will help you choose more impactful behaviors, behaviors that will be more effective for what you want to achieve in the long run.

What About Trauma Triggers?

You might be thinking, " You're not talking about trauma triggers! I get triggered before I know any of this is even going on!"

That's true for many people who have emotional dysregulation difficulties. Sometimes something can be triggered before we're even consciously aware of it.

Sometimes our trauma triggers or emotional triggers go off as we're approaching a situation that we know will be difficult. But sometimes it could just be a smell or a sound, and all of a sudden we're in that physiological state and we don't know why.

I am going to do an entire video on emotional triggers and emotional regulation, however here are some quick suggestions:

The moment you are able to notice that you have gone into a physiologically aroused state of panic, bring in those grounding techniques that you hopefully practice every day on a regular basis. Move away from thoughts like "Why did I get triggered? What is wrong with me? I'll never get over this." All of those thoughts will contribute to escalating the emotional response you're having to the trigger.

The more you can just bring things back to the moment, the better. Figure out how to breathe, ground yourself, feel your feet on the floor, and notice what you're hearing.

Begin to practice bringing that in right away without all the thoughts that will complicate that process.

If you have specific questions or comments, please post them here or post them on today's video . See you next week!

Emotional Dysregulation: What it is and what to do about it

Tue, 09 Sep 2025 19:05:29 GMT

Do you get totally overwhelmed by your emotions?
Or do you suppress your emotions so much you feel numbed out?

Or perhaps you cycle between these two: suppressing your emotions over and over until you finally explode.

Any one of these patterns is an example of emotional dysregulation.

Now, this is really common. All of us are emotionally dysregulated at times.

However, improving how often you can stay emotionally regulated can truly improve your life.

Today we're going to talk about what emotional dysregulation is and why emotional regulation is important. Then I'll provide a very helpful framework that will assist you in improving your emotional regulation.

What Is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is the process of managing your emotions to maintain balance and to respond appropriately to the challenges in your life. That is the definition of emotional regulation that I find the most useful.

Emotional dysregulation is a state in which we feel unbalanced and we can't respond effectively to situations. Our emotional arousal is just much too strong or completely non-existent, neither of which help us to effectively deal with stress or conflict. And neither help us choose the behaviors that will be the most helpful for us in the long term.

And of course, the experiential feelings that go with emotional dysregulation are horrible.

The Zone of Tolerance for Emotions

We all have a **zone of tolerance for emotions**.

Our emotions will always go up and down. We don't want to ignore them and we don't want to suppress them.

But when they get too high—when they get outside the zone of tolerance—that's where we might be much too anxious or stressed - unable to sleep at night, raging or anxious. If we tend towards mania, we might engage in behaviors that are destructive for us in the long run. These would be examples of **hyperarousal**.

When we get too low, which is **hypoarousal**, we shut down. We might be very depressed and-or unable to function. We might sleep too much or feel numbed out. This is the freeze mode of the fight, flight, and freeze responses.

Fight and flight result in hyperarousal, and the freeze mode results in hypoarousal.

Where we function best—and where we generally just feel best —is in the **zone of tolerance.** We feel balanced despite continuing to have mood swings. Our moods change many times during the course of a day. Little things happen and shift your mood. That's normal.

Why Emotional Regulation Matters

The topic of emotional regulation and dysregulation is actually enormous, and I am going to do a series of videos and blogs on this. You can definitely put any questions you have in the comments—I do read those and look for ideas for future content.

There is significant and high quality scientific research that ties one's ability to manage one's emotions effectively to wellbeing in many areas of life.

Now, this doesn't mean necessarily happiness—we're not aiming for one particular emotional state. We are going to have moods. Yet keeping these moods within the zone that is tolerable allows us to function and move forward with what we want to do in life—that's what contributes to our mental wellbeing.

One of the things that emotional regulation or dysregulation does is that it impacts what strategies we use to cope with the emotions we're having, and then what consequences those strategies have.

Maladaptive vs. Adaptive Coping Strategies

Psychotherapists like myself will use terms like **maladaptive coping strategies** and **adaptive coping strategies**. A maladaptive coping strategy is not effective at achieving what you want to achieve, or it has some major backlash and negative impact on you later. Adaptive coping strategies are those that are reasonable responses to the situation and overall contribute to behaviors and outcomes that will end up keeping you emotionally regulated.

The other thing to think about with maladaptive versus adaptive strategies is that they contribute to either a solution or a problem. The maladaptive strategies are going to make the emotional dysregulation worse and worse.

Examples of Maladaptive Coping Strategies

**1. Avoiding people or places that bring up uncomfortable emotions**

Instead of learning how to deal with uncomfortable emotions or change what you can about a situation, you just avoid it. Avoiding situations—I talk about this in a lot of my anxiety videos— is only going to make your anxiety worse and make your world smaller and smaller. I'm not talking about avoiding skydiving, which none of us need to do, but avoiding those things that help us function and lead reasonable lives. I'm also not talking about avoiding truly dangerous situations - that is sensible. But if you are avoiding speaking in groups, socializing, driving a car... these are the types of things that can hold you back in life.

**2. Excessive risk taking**

Excessive risk taking can be an effort to deal with uncontrollable emotions, and it can have extreme backlash effects.

This includes engaging in illegal drugs, too much alcohol, or utilizing medications that are biphasic. They swing your emotions—you take one because you want to swing in one direction and then perhaps you take a different one to swing back. Long-term, these drugs are not going to help you emotionally regulate.

**3. Externalizing your emotions**

Acting out your emotions—acting out in rage at your job site, for example—is not going to be helpful for you long-term. Going into a rage at home is not going to help your relationship with your loved ones. So externalizing the excessive anger or rage is a way to release it, but not a helpful one.

**4. Internalizing the emotions**

Internalizing emotions can lead to behaviors like cutting, eating disorders, rumination, negative self-talk and anxiety or depression.

A Helpful Model for Understanding Emotional Regulation

I promised to share a model of how to think about emotional regulation that can help you improve yours. This model was developed by James J. Gross from the Department of Psychology at Stanford University. This model has changed how research about emotional regulation is conducted and how people think about it.

The model basically says that emotions develop from a situation that we're in, what we pay attention to within that situation, and then how we think about the situation. That's what leads to an emotional response to the situation. (Graphically pictured below. For more graphics, you can view the video on this topic: Emotional Dysregulation).

Emotions have three components in this model: a physical feeling (physiological feeling), the experiential feeling, and the behaviors that come from that emotion.

So the situation, what you pay attention to, and how you think about it all creates your emotional response. Then your emotional response acts back on that situation—it has an impact on that situation, and the cycle continues.

Five Points of Intervention

In James Gross's model, he looks at five points of intervention:

**1. Choosing the situation**

**2. Modifying that situation**

**3. What you pay attention to within that situation**

**4. How you think about all of it**

**5. The emotional response**

In James Gross's theory, the hardest place to intervene is after you've already had the emotional response. The interventions that take the most effort and are the least effective are the ones after you've already been triggered and your emotions have already been created.

Understanding the intervention of "choosing the situation"

I want to come back to the concept that choosing the situation can help with emotional regulation. I don't want this misinterpreted to mean avoiding. If there's a situation that makes you anxious and you avoid it long-term, it's going to make things worse.

So let's take a different example in terms of choosing a situation.

An example that's near and dear to my heart is choosing a movie or TV show to watch before I go to bed. If I watch anything too activating, I will not get to sleep for quite a while in the evening. If I watch something that's mellow, maybe even a little boring (—nature documentaries can be helpful—) I will go to sleep much more easily.

So if I want to have an impact on my emotional arousal and my physiology, I can choose what movie to watch or what TV show to watch. That is choosing a situation that will be beneficial for what you want to accomplish.

Situation Modification Examples

The second place to intervene: situation modification. Let's say you're really, really upset about something, but you just want to go out with a friend who makes you laugh and you don't want to talk about it. You go out and you meet the friend, and then the friend asks about the difficult situation. Can you respond with, "I really don't want to talk about it. I really just want you to make me laugh tonight. I really just want to have a good time"? That is you impacting the situation with your desired emotional state in mind.

And it could be the opposite. You could be thinking, "I want to meet with a friend who's going to let me talk about what I'm upset about." We can process our emotions sometimes effectively through talking about them. So that's both choosing your situation and then modifying your situation.

Directing Your Attention

Let's say you're going to a family event and there's a couple of people in your family who argue politics. It gets you really, really upset.

Before you go, you can make a commitment to yourself that you won't pay attention to them. You can pay attention to the family members you find easier to deal with—perhaps the children who are there. Maybe you can create a game to play with the kids. You can decide ahead of time how to set things up so that you are paying attention to the things that are not going to trigger you into an overblown emotional state.

Cognitive Reappraisal

The fourth point of intervention is the cognitive appraisal or reappraisal. This is about how you are thinking about the situation.

Let's say you're in a job interview and it's not going very well. Instead of thinking, "Oh, I'm not going to get this job. I am lousy. I'm not good enough. Everything is lousy in my life," you could think, "Well, this does not feel like a fit. I wasted time coming here, but maybe there's something I can learn. I'm learning what is not going to work for me."

One thing that can help you see situations differently is to learn about the cognitive distortions. When you recognize these, and know that they are distortions, it is easier to look for other ways to think. Click here for a blog and here for a playlist .

Managing the Emotional Response

The fifth place to intervene is after the emotional response. This is the least effective place to intervene, and it takes the most effort. Calming yourself down after you're in a full-blown emotional upheaval—a fight, flight, or freeze response - can be very difficult.

There are effective techniques to calm yourself down physiologically, but they work much better if you practice them regularly. You need to practice them not when you're in the middle of being emotionally upset.

Moving Forward with Emotional Regulation

I know I'm just scratching the surface of this topic, and I will do more blogs and videos on this, but I think it is useful to understand the process model. If you can think about slowing this cycle down and develop awareness of your own emotional responses, you'll have more ability to keep your emotions regulated.

The Narcissist is Enmeshed with YOU

Thu, 21 Aug 2025 15:32:16 GMT

Understanding this dynamic highlights how you can break free from the pain of being in a relationship with a narcissist, even if the person is still in your life.

Let me ask you a question. When the narcissist acts out in anger, whose fault is it?

* It is either yours or someone else's, but not the narcissist's.

If the narcissist does something damaging to the relationship, whose fault is it?

* Usually yours or someone else's, but not the narcissist's.

Today's blog explains how and why this is enmeshment, and how the narcissist is actually enmeshed with you .

In a relationship with a narcissist, the enmeshment goes both ways. However, the emotional caretaking only goes one way.

Understanding this highlights the importance of healing your own enmeshment tendencies so you can break free from the pain of being in relationship with a narcissist...whether that person stays in your circle or not.

Narcissism Is Inherently an Enmeshed State

Narcissism is inherently an enmeshed state of being. A narcissist requires enmeshment in any person they are in a relationship with.

This is the only way they can maintain the relationship dynamic that they need.

Let me elaborate on why it is an enmeshed state of being to begin with.

What the Narcissist Wants More Than Anything

More than anything else, the narcissist wants admiration, approval, and awe.

But why is that so important to a narcissist?

It is so important to the narcissist because they do not actually have a healthy ego . They do not have a healthy sense of self or healthy self-esteem.

I know many people will say, "No, that is not true at all. The narcissist has a huge ego. The narcissist has enormous self-esteem."

But actually, healthy self-esteem is not dependent on other people's constant admiration. It is not dependent on other people's opinions.

Yes, we all want others to like us. Most of us would like to be admired. We want people to think well of us, but it does not threaten our very sense of self if we do not get that.

The Difference Between Healthy and Narcissistic Self-Esteem

Narcissists do not have a healthy enough ego to be able to accept that they have certain strengths and certain weaknesses. They cannot admit their faults. It is as if their entire sense of self would collapse if they are forced to face their imperfections.

The non-personality-disordered person can accept the fact that they have flaws. None of us like this. Most of us really dislike having to apologize. We do not like to admit we did something wrong. And we might turn to blame to avoid admitting fault. But the difference is that it is not urgently important to our internal sense of self.

For the narcissist, there is nothing else but getting that approval and admiration from others. This is why they are so sensitive to every criticism. It cannot be tolerated. Their very sense of self is dependent on other people's opinions.

That means that their very sense of self is enmeshed with those around them.

How the Narcissist Requires Enmeshment from You

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist or you are in one now, you know that the narcissist wants you focused on their emotional wellbeing.

The emotional caretaking in a relationship with a narcissist goes in one direction—toward the narcissist.

The narcissist cannot tolerate not being the center of your attention and the center of the relationship.

Their well being is their top priority, and it needs to be yours as well.

WIthout these dynamics, the narcissist will not be able to maintain the relationship, at least not in its current format.

Hopefully, this helps you understand why healing your own enmeshment patterns will necessarily change the relationship with the narcissist, if not end it.

Emotional Manipulation Tactics

The narcissist will use emotional manipulation tactics to make you feel responsible for any negative emotion the narcissist is having—and to make you feel responsible for any negative behavior the narcissist engages in.

The person in relationship with the narcissist feels like:

• "I better do this exactly as they like so they do not get angry" (trying to take care of somebody else's emotions, which is part of enmeshment)

• "I have to do all this perfectly" (in order to avoid being put down or worse by the narcissist)

• "I have to suppress these needs" (in order to avoid difficult situation with narcissist)

Thinking that you are responsible for their behavior is enmeshment. Thinking you have to ack in a certain way to keep the narcissist's behavior reasonable is enmeshment,

Caring Too Much About the Narcissist's Opinion

Your own enmeshment can also show in terms of how much you care about what the narcissist thinks of you.

If you find yourself getting stuck in the pattern of trying to convince the narcissist that you did not mean to hurt them, that you were not in charge of whatever thing happened that got the narcissist upset—if you spend time and energy trying to convince the narcissist that you are a good person — that investment of time and energy is a sign of enmeshment.

We all want others to think we are nice. We all want others to admire us and like us. But if we are being unreasonably blamed for something, we can think to ourselves, "That is their problem, not mine." We can disconnect from it if we have healthy boundaries.

If an unreasonable person thinks badly of us, we can be ok. If feeling ok in this situation feels impossible, that is enmeshment.

The Narcissist's Opinion Is Not Really About You

A very common and often true saying is that other people's opinions are not about us.

However, with a narcissist, this is always true.

The narcissist's opinion of you will be in service to the narcissist maintaining their sense of self:

• If you are pleasing the narcissist, they will think highly of you

• If you are upsetting them or not doing what they want, they will put you down

They can be vicious. They can know exactly which buttons to push and what names to call you. It is very unpleasant and sometimes dangerous to be on the receiving end of their hostility. But it is ONLY about whether or not they are getting what they want. It is not their true opinion. It is another manipulation tactic.

Healing the Deeper Patterns

In order to heal your enmeshment, it is necessary to heal your negative core beliefs. The deepest ones probably developed in childhood. Some may have developed while an adult in relationship with a narcissist.

But these core beliefs—whether they are something like "my needs do not matter" or "I am not good enough"—will play into the narcissist relationship and the dynamic that the narcissist needs.

If you have not checked out my free PDF " Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs ," you can download it here. I hear from many people that it was transformative for them. It helps you identify exactly what your negative core belief is, and it gives you three methods for overturning it. This is some of the deeper healing work that will improve your life overall.

Why Some People Stay and Others Leave

As you probably know, I was a therapist for 20 years. Clients would often say to me, "I attract narcissists."

And actually, I don't think anyone "attracts" narcissists more than others.

There are two main differences: one is whether you are giving the narcissist what they want from the beginning, and the other is iwhether you listen to or ignore early warning signs

People who did not grow up with extreme enmeshed patterns usually do not stay in the relationship even if they enter it. They also may not immediately give the narcissist the awe and admiration they are looking for. And let me add a subtle point here - many people will be polite and attentive - even admiring - on an external basis. But internally they are listening with a sense of skepticism and perhaps as the conversation continues, revulsion.

However, it is also true that narcissists will "love bomb," whether romantically or even for a business relationship. They know how to flatter. They might initially seem to return the attention. This can be seductive for everyone.

The love bombing makes everything seem great. You are wonderful, they are wonderful, everything is great.

But then, as the relationship continues, little tiny glitches show up. Something goes wrong and the narcissist blames you.

Many people will think, "There is no way I should be blamed for that. That was the narcissist's choice, that was their behavior."

Yet people might also question themselves: "There must be a reason they think that. Let me talk to them more. Let me explain my side of things more."

At some point, the narcissist smooths over the confrontation.

But then it happens again.

The more enmeshed a person is, the more they will think, "There must be a reason. I must have done something I was not aware of. Maybe I pushed a sore button in them." This person will give them the benefit of the doubt, time and again.

People who did not grow up with significant enmeshment will not buy into it. They will be much quicker to say, "No, that had nothing to do with me. You can take responsibility for that or not, but I am not taking responsibility for it."

If you don't pick up on these early signals, the relationship continues and deepens, and then it becomes more and more difficult to disentangle.

If we grow up as the emotional caretaker of our families, we think it is our job to keep everybody else calm, happy, or functioning.

(I just did several videos and blogs on emotional parentification: the most empathetic child is given the role of emotional caretaker for one or both parents. This is a setup for enmeshment. You can view a video playlist on this here , or read this blog ).

Enmeshment can show up as:

• Taking care of other people's emotions

• Feeling responsible for other people's behavior

• Feeling responsible for other people's happiness, anger, or other emotions

Healing your tendency towards enmeshment is possible. It does not mean you have to stap caring about others. We can care and be in relationship without accepting unacceptable behavior and without feeling responsible for fixing others.

Healthy boundaries foster mutually supportive relationships, and require healing enmeshment patterns.

Breaking Free

Understanding that narcissists require enmeshment to maintain their relationships is liberating. It helps you see that:

• The problems in the relationship are not actually about your shortcomings

• The narcissist's opinion of you is a manipulation tactic, not a true reflection of who you are

• Healing your own enmeshment patterns is the key to freedom

• You cannot change the narcissist, but you can change your own responses

Remember, the goal is to heal so that you can have healthy, mutually supportive relationships throughout your life.

Emotional Dysregulation: The Hidden Cost of Parentification

Thu, 14 Aug 2025 16:41:37 GMT

Do you feel like you are the most emotionally regulated person that you know?

But is it emotional regulation, or is it emotional dysregulation?

If you grew up as a parentified child, it is likely that you were the most emotionally regulated person in your family.

However, most people who grew up as parentified children actually have significant emotional dysregulation. It just looks very different than what we picture when we think about emotional dysregulation.

This is a hidden cost of parentification, and it gets missed by everybody—often including the person who grew up parentified. Understanding this can help point you in the direction of a piece that might be missing from your healing journey. True emotional regulation has been tied to happiness in extensive research. When we feel emotionally regulated, we feel so much better.

What Actually Happens to the Parentified Child

The child who grows up emotionally parentified learns to suppress their own emotions in order to take care of others. They suppress whatever needs they might have—anger, disappointments, desires. Their emotions are not validated, acknowledged, or understood. They are just pushed down in order to not upset a volatile parent or to caretake for somebody else in the family.

Long-term, if you were parentified, you probably struggle with significant anxiety. It is also likely you feel substantial guilt and resentment that can weigh you down and be very depressing. And, often, numbness kicks in.

I think that when we suppress our emotions and we do not learn how to process them and understand them—when we are just pushing them down, pushing them down—the emotions that leak out are anxiety, guilt, resentment, and numbness. Anger as well.

These are the emotions I saw the most in my work as a psychotherapist with people who grew up parentified. They did see themselves as the calm one, the competent one—which they were. But the backlash from all of that was a struggle with anxiety, depression, or some of those other difficult emotions.

Why This Emotional Dysregulation Stays Hidden

One reason that this cost of parentification stays hidden—that we do not recognize the emotional dysregulation—is that most of us tend to think of people with emotional dysregulation as those who have huge swings in emotions: big angry outbursts, or moods swinging from manic to depressed.

Those are the situations we think of when we consider people who are very emotionally dysregulated, and they are. But that is the external manifestation of emotional dysregulation . We can also have significant emotional dysregulation that is all internal.

Consider somebody with obsessive-compulsive disorder—many people can hide it completely, but internally there is substantial emotional dysregulation. Or the high-functioning people we know who have significant anxiety but do not let it out.

Just because we appear emotionally regulated does not mean we are.

Why This Emotional Dysregulation Happens

Let me talk about why this emotional dysregulation happens in a child who grows up parentified.

Ideally, a parent helps a child learn to emotionally regulate. If the parent has reasonable emotional regulation and was nurtured themselves, this is very instinctual. This parent knows how to soothe an infant to help them calm down, or to energize and interest the infant when awake.

The parent's own ability to breathe and calm themselves is actually emotionally regulating for an infant (or any age child!).

As the child grows up, the "good enough parent" helps the child identify emotions, label them, validate them, understand why they are happening, and then also problem-solve what to do about them. (And remember, no one does this perfectly!)

Unfortunately, what happens if a parent is unable to emotionally regulate themselves? They will not have the skills to teach their child or the instincts to help the child regulate naturally.

Sometimes, a parent without emotional regulation will look to the child to help them regulate. This is "emotional parentification."

The parent regularly communicates to the child, verbally or not, "you cannot be upset, because I am upset." Or, "you have to take care of this for me because I cannot cope."

I know people get anxious when I talk about this because they think, "well, in some situations you have to do that." And, yes, sometimes even the best parents have to do this.

But I am talking about a consistent pattern where it is unreasonable for the parent to require that the child suppress their emotions so that they can take care of the adult's emotions. It is a consistent pattern, and the child is not helped to learn any emotional regulation.

The child learns to read other people's moods so that they can help regulate them—calm this person down, help that person function, keep the siblings quiet so the parent does not get mad. The child develops significant emotional intelligence in terms of picking up on other people's emotions, but not much in terms of understanding their own emotions.

The Critical Insight: Suppression Disguised as Regulation

The most critical insight to take away here is this: when the emotional regulation system is reversed—when the child is supposed to help the parent regulate—the child is not learning emotional regulation. The child is learning emotional suppression. However, that suppression will be seen as regulation.

I would love to know if that makes sense to you and if understanding that is helpful for you.

The 7 Components of True Emotional Regulation

Let me talk about what true emotional regulation is. If you want more on this topic, please drop me a note—I think it is a super important topic.

So what is true emotional regulation instead of pseudo-regulation? As I go through these components of true emotional regulation, I also want you to keep in mind that nobody does this perfectly . And I do mean nobody. We are human. However, increasing your ability to do each of the seven things listed below can be very helpful.

With healthy emotional regulation, our moods still go up and down, but they stay within a zone of tolerance. The term "zone of tolerance" comes from psychotherapist terminology, but I think it is intuitive what that means. When people get manic or way too excited, way too anxious (way too up), or way too depressed (way too low), it can cause significant problems. People can stop functioning. Those states are very painful.

Allowing yourself to have whatever emotions you have—not suppressing them, not ignoring them—and learning how to listen to them and learning what to do when they are talking to you will help you stay within that zone of tolerance.

People who have healthy emotional regulation still get angry. They still get sad, they still experience grief and might have an extended period of grief. This is not about shutting off our emotions—it is more about learning to see them as information that is very valuable.

Emotions can guide good decision-making if we learn to think about them, understand them, understand when they are overblown and maybe were triggered by some event in the past. So we learn to calm down those overblown reactions, but not ignore them.

**Seven Components of True Emotional Regulation**

**1. Awareness**

Noticing emotions as they arise, noticing the physical feeling that goes with the emotion. The sooner we are aware of "oh yes, that is what I am feeling," the easier it is to regulate our emotions.

**2. Labeling the Emotion**

This can be difficult. Sometimes we do not know what we are feeling, and that is okay too. Often we have many feelings at once, so it can be very confusing. You can have conflictual feelings about different situations, but labeling emotions actually engages a part of the brain that helps you regulate.

I did a whole video on that topic, which I will try to link here. But label the emotion the best you can. Even if it is to say "I am feeling upset, I am feeling a lot of things, and I do not yet know exactly what"—that is okay too. It sometimes can take a few days to figure out what you are feeling. Allow yourself that time.

**3. Acceptance**

Accepting your emotions, not judging them as good or bad. Not thinking "I should not have this one, I should have that one instead." Accept your emotions. Validating them would be another way to say this—validate the emotions that you are having.

We tend to judge emotions as good or bad, reasonable or unreasonable, but honestly, it is the actions we take that can be reasonable or unreasonable. Right now we are just talking about listening to your emotions and accepting them.

**4. Processing Your Emotions**

Processing your emotions probably could be broken down into many other categories, but processing emotions is about understanding what information that emotion is giving you. All emotions give us information.

Processing could be understanding a trigger or understanding why you had an emotion that was strong or perhaps overblown. What triggered you? Why? Processing the events and the emotions that came out of those events is part of emotional regulation, and it does require some emotional intelligence.

Understanding what your emotions are telling you is crucial. I have many videos on different emotions—I have a playlist called " Emotional Intelligence ." In my Roadmap to Joy program, I actually have an entire section on deepening self-knowledge, which goes into what different emotions mean, why they come up, and how to interpret them.

That is actually section number five of that program because the first parts of the program are about emotional regulation techniques, learning mindfulness, meditation, and learning healthy boundaries. All of this definitely goes together.

**5. Self-Soothing**

These components all work together because self-soothing is going to help you with your acceptance of emotions. It is going to help you with your processing of emotions. These are not necessarily in the order you have to follow, but these are all components of healthy emotional regulation.

Learning various self-soothing techniques that are healthy—not, for example, alcohol or drugs, which might shift your mood very quickly but are biphasic and have a backlash—but learning how to breathe calmly, learning whether going for a walk helps you, petting an animal, or what helps you reregulate your physiology. I would put this into the category of physical regulation.

**6. Choosing Your Response**

Often our behavior is reactive—very reactive. For somebody who grew up parentified, the reactivity might be automatically helping somebody else, automatically saying yes to something you would rather say no to, automatically picking up that the other person is feeling anxious and then figuring out what you can do about it instead of recognizing your own anxiety.

These reactive responses need to be transformed into conscious responses. Figuring out "okay, I had this emotion. What do I want to do?" Not every time that we are angry at somebody do we need to say something. Sometimes it is helpful, sometimes it is not. Being able to choose your response is crucial.

Reactivity is where we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. That is reactivity—the old patterns just triggering us and triggering our behavior. Once we have processed emotions and processed the situation, we can make a good decision about what behavior will come out of that situation. What response do we want to choose?

Obviously, that is a very complicated topic, but I think that just thinking about it this way and looking for "what is the best response on my part to this situation?" rather than "what do I automatically feel like I have to do?" can be helpful.

**7. Understanding Boundaries**

Developing healthy boundaries will help you remain emotionally regulated long-term. Emotional regulation also helps you have healthy boundaries—they work together.

Healthy boundaries involve understanding where you end and somebody else begins. What is your responsibility? What emotional realm is yours? Understanding that other people's emotions are their responsibility to take care of.

It is about boundaries in terms of a deep understanding of how we operate as humans. It is about cutting that enmeshment that happens with parentification that I talked about last week. It is about healing from that enmeshment, I should say.

Once we heal from that enmeshment, we can be individuated. We can be our own individuals, and we can care, and we can sometimes caretake and sometimes receive support. We can move toward more interdependence in our relationships.

Moving Forward with True Emotional Regulation

Understanding the difference between emotional suppression and true emotional regulation is crucial for anyone who grew up parentified. The skills you developed in reading others' emotions and maintaining family stability were survival mechanisms, but they came at the cost of your own emotional development.

True healing involves learning to:

- Recognize and validate your own emotions

- Understand that your feelings matter just as much as others'

- Develop healthy ways to process and respond to emotions

- Create boundaries that protect your emotional well-being

- Build relationships based on mutual support rather than one-sided caretaking

Remember, developing true emotional regulation is a process that takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself as you learn these new skills.

I hope this was helpful. Let me know—I am very interested to know your thoughts. Check out some of my other videos and consider the Roadmap to Joy program, which also has a significant component on boundaries. Many people have found it helps them lower anxiety, develop healthy boundaries, and improve their relationship with themselves, which is, long-term, our most important relationship. We are with ourselves our whole lives.

What has been your experience with emotional regulation? Have you recognized some of these patterns in yourself? I would love to hear from you in the comments below.

Parentification Creates Enmeshment: The Connection That Explains Everything

Thu, 07 Aug 2025 14:09:23 GMT

Are You Everyone's Emotional Caretaker? Do You Struggle With Boundaries?

Did you grow up as the emotional caretaker of one of your parents? Do you still play the emotional caretaker role in many of your relationships today?

If so, you probably struggle with boundaries and with validating your own feelings and needs.

Understanding the link between emotional parentification and enmeshment can be transformative for your healing journey.

This connection goes far beyond a simple link—parentification is actually a direct pathway to enmeshment. By its very nature, parentification creates emotional enmeshment, and understanding this can help you make sense of your current struggles and guide your path forward.

What Is Parentification?

Parentification is fundamentally a matter of role reversal where the child takes on the role of the parent. There are two main types:

**Emotional Parentification: The child takes care of the parent's emotions.

**Instrumental Parentification: The child takes on some of the instrumental roles of a parent, such as cleaning the house, paying bills, making meals, or taking care of siblings

However, there is always an element of emotional parentification within instrumental parentification—the child is still doing these tasks to take care of the overall emotional realm of the family.

Examples of Emotional Parentification include:

- Soothing a parent who has just gone through a breakup

- Calming down a parent who is getting angry in order to protect other siblings and the household atmosphere

- Being a parent's confidant about adult problems that are beyond the child's age of understanding or appropriateness

- Being told "You can't get upset now—I'm too stressed out. You have to behave yourself so I can function" [In some situations, this might be understandable, but if it is the main "mode" of relationship, it teaches the child to suppress their own disappointment, sadness or rage to take care of the parent.

Ideally, a parent takes care of the child's emotions.

A "good enough parent" helps the child learn emotional regulation.

But many parents don't have adequat emotional regulation themselves, and some look to their children to help them emotionally regulate.

Understanding Enmeshment

I recently published a blog and video with a detailed definition of enmeshment, but here's a quick overview: Enmeshment occurs when boundaries in a family are unclear, perhaps fused.

Some families focus their efforts on managing the emotions of one main family member. Everyone is involved in trying to regulate that person's emotions, thereby suppressing their own. Other families might function where everyone is involved in "each other's business."

It is often the empathetic child in the family who ends up taking on the caretaking role.

It is also important to understand that this role is assumed so young that it becomes deeply ingrained with a feeling of " doing this is needed for my very survival ."

Why Parentification Occurs

Different family systems might have different reasons for parentification, but no matter why it happened in your family, the result on you is probably very similar, and the steps to heal will be very similar.

Some people feel that parentification happened for reasons that weren't the parent's "fault" — for example, a parent with mental illness or a parent who has to work three jobs to keep a roof over the family's head and feed everyone. The parent may not have had another choice, so the parentified child stepped in and helped out. This child probably gained some valuable skills in the process but at the expense of suppressing parts of themselves.

In other situations, when the parentified adult grows up, they might blame their parent. This often happens when the parent has an addiction or personality disorder such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder.

Sometimes parentification occurs because the parent lacks emotional regulation (the "emotionally immature parent"). This reflects generational patterns.

But no matter why the parentification occurred, the impact on you is probably quite similar.

Sometimes time spent processing your anger at a parent can be quite helpful. However, staying in a position of blaming the parent long-term will not help your own healing (and, actually, is a reflection of enmeshment).

Why Parentification Causes Enmeshment

Let me illuminate the key reasons:

Dissolved Boundaries

When there's parentification, boundaries do not fit age-appropriate roles. The child who is the emotional caretaker grows up more focused on other people's emotions, suppresses their own, and feels responsible for managing others' emotions. This is a clear emotional boundary dissolution—a clear example of not knowing where you end and where the other person begins.

Safety Tied to Others' Emotional States

Children in this situation grow up feeling that they are safe when everyone else is okay. It becomes almost a feeling of "I'm not safe unless everybody else's emotions are in a reasonable range." This might be very true when you're young, but that feeling stays with you as you get older when it may no longer apply.

Hypervigilance About Others' Emotions

The empathetic child becomes overly empathetic as a survival mechanism . As a child, it was essential to pick up on all the emotions in the room and all the subtle changes in emotions, because the quicker you could intervene, the quicker you could "manage" the situation.

These survival mechanisms worked—you survived. However, they developed into patterns that are no longer needed today.

Inability to Individuate

The parentified child can't fully figure out who they are because they are too focused on taking care of others. Without individuation, you have enmeshment and blurred boundaries. You probably also experience a lot of guilt from being pulled in different directions: "Do I take care of my needs? Do I take care of their needs? I don't even know what my needs are. I don't even know what I'm feeling."

This fusion of self to what the family needs is not cured by cutoff. As I discuss in my other enmeshment articles, cutoff is actually part of the enmeshed family system. True healing means that cutoff probably won't be needed. This is a very complicated topic, and I'm not judging whether cutoff is required—in some situations it definitely might be. But overall, think about healing as being focused on knowing who you are, where you end and somebody else begins, and being able to maintain that understanding while navigating various situations with the sense that it's okay for you to have needs and okay to self-actualize.

Negative Core Beliefs from Parentification

Parentification creates negative core beliefs in the children who are parentified. Very common negative core beliefs include:

- "My needs don't really matter"

- "Other people's needs are more important"

- "I'm in danger if people aren't calm around me"

These negative core beliefs become embedded in the brain at a time when they were needed as survival mechanisms. Rewiring those parts of the brain can be done, but it takes significant time and effort.

The process involves beginning to validate your own needs and emotions—"It's okay that I'm feeling this." Taking time to explore what you're feeling and understanding your own emotions can be very deeply healing in the long run.

Understanding that the feeling of "I'm in danger if others are upset" may have been true as a child, but in most situations as an adult, you're not actually in physical danger. Helping the brain differentiate between the feelings it embedded from childhood situations and the feelings you have now requires work, but it can be incredibly helpful.

I have a free PDF called " Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs " that many people find incredibly helpful. It helps you identify your negative core belief and provides three methods to strengthen a positive core belief that counters the negative one. You can find the link in the description.

The Lifelong Impact

The real impact of enmeshment and ingrained negative core beliefs is that they follow you throughout your life until you've done the healing work. You might:

- End up in adult relationships where you are the emotional caretaker

- Choose partners who need fixing

- Choose partners who want the emotional focus on them, not on you

- Bring these patterns into your workplace and friendships

These patterns are intergenerational and likely lead to exhaustion because you're trying to do way too much. They probably also lead to significant anxiety because what you're trying to do is actually impossible—we can't manage other people's emotions.

We can influence them, and you might have examples where you think "I do manage them," but not really. At the end of the day, long-term, we cannot cure somebody else's depression, fix somebody else's addiction, or manage somebody else's rage. Trying to do the impossible while focusing on it with urgency is a key component of anxiety.

The Path to Healing

**1. Self-Compassion**

Understand that your patterns came from survival, not from choice. There was no real choice involved when you were young.

**2. Grieving**

Sometimes when you really realize how much you've sacrificed for these patterns, there's a period of grieving that's needed. This is normal and healthy.

**3. Learning to Reparent Yourself**

Bring some of those "good enough parent" qualities into your relationship with yourself instead of being hypercritical. Rather than criticizing yourself for not maintaining a boundary or not being kind enough, develop an internal "good enough parent" who can help you validate the emotions you're having and use encouraging words toward yourself.

I know it might sound somewhat ridiculous, but we all talk to ourselves, and how we talk to ourselves can really impact our happiness. Bringing in the good enough parent voice for yourself is an important aspect of reparenting.

**4. Boundary Practice**

Learning boundaries is essential. I have multiple articles and a course on this topic that can be very helpful. My boundary course specifically addresses overcoming the negative core beliefs that get in your way and strengthening the emotional regulation that's necessary for healthy boundaries.

The key is not just learning information about boundaries, but actually practicing them with emotional regulation. This is what helps rewire the old part of your brain.

**5. Building a Support System**

Practice receiving care from others. If you have a handful of people you can trust to provide you with care, being part of those experiences is what's going to create change. This part of our brain changes based on experience and behavior, not necessarily what we tell ourselves. Actually implementing changes in your boundaries and accepting support in real life is crucial.

**6. Healing Negative Core Beliefs**

This goes to the core of healing. The negative core beliefs you developed ARE NOT TRUE (and yes, I have proof!). As I mentioned earlier, my free PDF on transforming negative core beliefs can be very helpful.

**7. Creating Space for Your Own Emotional Experience**

Take time to explore what emotions you're having. What are you feeling right now? If you're confused about whether you need to help someone, what feeling comes up for you around that? What do you anticipate they're feeling? Look into what you are feeling and validate it. This requires some space and time.

Embracing Your Gifts

I want to share two important thoughts.

If you grew up parentified, you developed many positive skills. Healing is about a "both/and" approach—it's about keeping your healthy skills while developing self-care boundaries.

Keeping the skills you've developed AND allowing yourself time to play

Keeping the skills you've developed AND having time to focus on joy.

The last thought I want to leave you with:

Your skills are gifts, but not obligations. Your empathetic skills, your ability to notice if somebody is down and cheer them up—this is a wonderful gift, but it's not an obligation.

I hope this information is incredibly helpful for you, and I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

Emotional Enmeshment

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Thu, 31 Jul 2025 18:24:39 GMT

Do you feel other people's emotions so strongly that they become your focus? Do you find yourself not even aware of what your own emotions are? If you answered yes, you might be experiencing emotional enmeshment.

Emotional Enmeshment: When Other People's Feelings Become Your Focus

Emotional enmeshment can be exhausting. You feel responsible for everyone else's happiness and disconnected from your own inner experience. You might also experience constant anxiety.

The good news is that emotional enmeshment is something you can heal from. Let me explain what it is, where it comes from, what problems it causes, and most importantly, how you can begin to heal.

What Is Emotional Enmeshment?

Emotional enmeshment occurs when the emotional boundaries between you and another person (or multiple people) become blurred. It's that feeling of not knowing whose emotion you're experiencing, or feeling other people's emotions really strongly while being disconnected from your own.

Basic boundaries are about understanding where you end and where the other person begins. With emotional enmeshment, the real boundary confusion comes from this feeling of fusion—feeling that the emotional realms of other people are what you're experiencing rather than your own emotions.

Now, to some extent, many of us pick up on the emotional atmosphere of a room. But being able to stay boundaried so that you can remain regulated, even if other people in the room are upset, is a very valuable skill. It's incredibly helpful in relationships and essential for your own emotional regulation and happiness.

The key question becomes: How do you navigate the paradox between being an empathetic person who cares about others and picks up on what they're feeling, without getting totally absorbed by it?

Common Misconceptions About Enmeshment

You might see emotional enmeshment defined online as a relationship where two people are way too close, way too dependent on each other, often spending excessive time together. You'll see it described as people who feel anxiety when they're apart or who sacrifice their own autonomy to stay enmeshed with another person.

While that type of relationship reflects enmeshment, that's not what enmeshment actually is. Many people who have emotional enmeshment as part of their makeup aren't in that type of mutually enmeshed relationship. Enmeshment can very often go in one direction — one person takes care of somebody else's emotions, and that other person expects them to continue doing so.

The Origin: Enmeshment in Family Systems

Emotional enmeshment is actually a concept introduced by Salvador Minuchin decades ago. He was a family systems therapist who examined how enmeshed family systems create dysfunction both in the family as a whole and in individuals.

An enmeshed family system is characterized by:

- **Unclear boundaries** between family members

- **Role reversals** (often including parentification)

- **Very rigid roles** within the family structure

- **Focus on one or two people's emotional wellbeing** (such as keeping a narcissistic parent happy or someone who rages)

- **High degree of loyalty requirements** (you're either part of the system or you're an outsider)

- **Frequent cutoffs** when someone tries to individuate

Cutoff is actually a reflection of enmeshment. In an enmeshed family system, you can't individuate—you can't become your own individual. You have a role within the family, and that's what you're supposed to do and be.

As children grow up in these families and hit the adolescent stage of individuation, it can cause enormous conflict. If the teenager decides to individuate, they're often excluded with an "if you're not with us, you're against us" mentality. If the adolescent doesn't individuate but maintains that family role, these patterns continue throughout adulthood until the person heals and begins to develop healthier relationships—starting with a healthier relationship with themselves.

Signs You Might Be Emotionally Enmeshed

Inability to Be Happy Unless Others Are Happy

There's probably at least one relationship in your life where you feel like "I can't be happy unless that other person is happy" or "I can't be happy unless that other person is doing okay."

Of course, we all want the people in our lives to be doing well and to be happy—that's normal. The difference is how strongly you feel that you can not be okay if they're not okay.

Sense of Urgency About Others' Emotional States

You probably feel a sense of urgency that the other person has to be okay, and you feel urgent about helping them get to a better emotional state. You feel responsible for helping them reach the emotional state that you desire for them.

This feeling might extend beyond just the handful of people you're close to. It might include everyone in your workplace and social groups. You want everything to be calm all the time, and you experience significant anxiety if other people are upset, depressed, angry, or in any negative emotional state.

Difficulty Identifying Your Own Emotions

You have trouble identifying your own emotions, and you probably invalidate them when you do recognize them. This typically comes from growing up in a family system where your emotions were invalidated by your caretakers.

Parents often say to children: "No, you don't feel that way," or "You shouldn't feel that way." This is very invalidating and doesn't help the child learn to emotionally regulate or learn to identify their own emotions.

When you grow up like this, you begin to do it to yourself. You might not be able to identify your own emotions, but if you do, you might invalidate them, telling yourself you shouldn't have them. Instead of saying "I feel angry that person did that, and I need to think about what approach I want to take," you might think "I shouldn't feel angry" or "I shouldn't be angry that person did that."

Enmeshed Language Around Emotions

You use language that indicates you cause other people's emotions: "I made her angry," "I made her depressed," "I made her upset."

You likely also use language that indicates that other people cause your emotions: "He made me mad."

While this language is common, I caution against it and recommend beginning to say: "He did such and such, and my response was to get angry" instead of "He made me mad." Or "I didn't do what she wanted me to do and she got angry because of that"—not "I made her angry."

For people with emotional enmeshment, the concept that we don't actually cause other people's emotions might be hard to understand. It's not only about the language—it's about how you think about it.

Here's a simple example: Some people get very upset if you're late a couple of times to meetings or dinners with them. Other people are perfectly fine with it—they might think, "I love this little bit of relaxation time to play on my phone while waiting." The same behavior from you causes different reactions in different people. They're responsible for their reactions, not you.

Let me know if that made sense to you in the comments below.

Problems Caused By Emotional Enmeshment

You're probably keenly aware of these problems, but let me summarize the key consequences:

**Emotional Dysregulation**

Not being able to identify your own feelings and invalidating your own emotions contributes to emotional dysregulation. Your emotions can swing dramatically from one extreme to another, feel out of control, or you might go into a completely numb state.

**Loss of Self-Identity**

You might not really know yourself. What do you want out of life? What are your preferences? What are your feelings?

Not knowing yourself means you can't move toward individuation, self-actualization, or achieving what you want—because you don't even know what that is.

**Chronic Anxiety**

You experience chronic anxiety because you're always trying to control something outside your control—other people's responses and emotions. Fundamentally, anxiety is about trying to control something you can't control.

**Persistent Guilt**

You feel guilty about your natural drive to self-actualize or individuate. Whether it's studying something you want to study, doing the kind of work you want to do, or moving where you'd like to move, you feel enormous conflict between moving forward in your own life and fulfilling the role you were given in your family.

How to Heal from Emotional Enmeshment

You really can heal from emotional enmeshment and from having grown up in an enmeshed family system. It will take time and effort, but it's absolutely possible.

I'd like to share the basic concept which underlies healing, and then 5 practical tools you can start using today.

The Basic Concept

Begin thinking about boundaries in terms of where you end and someone else begins. This involves fundamental questions: Who am I? How am I separate? How am I connected?

Five Practical Tools You Can Use Today

1. Journal: "Whose Feeling Am I Feeling?"

When you're experiencing an emotional response, identify whether this is really your emotion or whether you are picking this up from someone else.

What exactly are you feeling? Journal about it, or if you don't like writing, use audio journaling by recording on your phone.

Beginning to speak about emotions is really helpful for understanding yourself, understanding how you react, what triggers you, and what those triggers create. There's also scientific research showing that verbalizing emotions stimulates a different part of your brain that helps with emotional regulation.

Ask yourself: "Whose feeling is this really? Is it mine to take care of or not?" This tool increases your awareness of how often you might be taking on others' emotions or responsibility for other people's emotions while helping you identify and understand your own.

2. Emotional Boundary Visualization

Visualizing the space around you as your emotional bubble. When you're talking to someone else, you picture them in their own emotional bubble—separate from yours. Visualizing this, thinking it through, and beginning to really feel it can be incredibly helpful.

I offer this visualization in my boundary program , which also focuses on healing the negative core beliefs that interfere with healthy boundaries and learning emotional regulation.

I also provide the full meditation on two meditation apps: Insight Timer and Aura Health (each of those links will bring you to the app, and the Aura Health link provides a free month).

3. Fully Accept Your Powerlessness Over Others' Emotions

This might require more exploration and reading, and videos on this topic) but begin to understand that while we can influence other people's emotions, we cannot control them. We can influence them for sure, but usually someone's reaction is more about them and their experiences than anything we've done. This video might be of interest: Accepting Powerlessness or this blog: Setting Boundaries with Family .

4. Use Empowered Language

Move away from enmeshed language toward empowered language. Own your responsibility for your emotions and let other people have responsibility for theirs.

5. Practice Detachment with Love

This concept comes from Al-Anon and other 12-step programs, and it's incredibly helpful.

Begin to detach in terms of responsibility—not necessarily in terms of connection.

You detach from the responsibility for the other person's behavior and-or emotions, but you can do so with love. This addresses the paradox of staying in a caring connection and maintaining close relationships without taking on others' emotional burdens.

Therapists are trained in this during their education. You learn how to stay in empathetic connection with someone without letting their emotions overwhelm you. A therapist can remain in empathetic connection with someone who's very upset—possibly discussing something that makes the therapist quite sad—but the therapist doesn't start crying because they've learned to maintain appropriate boundaries.

"Detachment" sounds harsh, but it simply means not getting consumed by the other person's emotion, which actually isn't helpful for them either. Begin experimenting with staying in empathetic connection where you can care and listen, while knowing that your own life and experience are separate.

Moving Forward with Hope

Emotional enmeshment is a complex topic, and healing from it is a process that takes time and often professional support. The tools I've shared can help you begin this journey. Remember that developing healthy emotional boundaries is a skill that improves with practice.

You deserve to know yourself, to feel your own emotions, and to live your own life while still maintaining caring connections with others. The goal isn't to become emotionally disconnected—it's to become emotionally differentiated, where you can care deeply while maintaining your own emotional center.

I go into much more detail in The Ultimate Boundary Course , which focuses extensively on healing the negative core beliefs that interfere with healthy boundaries and developing the emotional regulation skills necessary for maintaining them.

Let me know what you think about this information. Have you recognized yourself in these patterns? What questions do you have about emotional enmeshment? I'd love to hear from you in the comments.

Why It is so HARD to set boundaries

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Thu, 24 Jul 2025 15:03:56 GMT

Do you struggle to set boundaries, even when you know you need them?

You're not alone.

SO many people struggle to set and hold boundaries. And the struggle is understandable - this is a very complex topic that impacts all of our relationships as well as our view of our selves.

I've gathered the top 10 reasons people struggle with this essential life skill. I've gathered these through working as a psychotherapist over twenty years and helping thousands of people develop healthier boundaries (and, of course, my own journey has informed my work!).

Also, in my boundary program, participants share what holds them back from setting effective boundaries, and the themes are very consistent!

I'm presenting this as a Top Ten Countdown. You are likely to recognize several of these roadblocks, and I provide guidance about how to get over the roadblock!

#10: Lack of Self-Awareness and Skill

This is really the learning part of setting boundaries. The self-awareness involves knowing what your values are, what you desire, what your needs are, and what your limits are. All of that goes into setting effective boundaries.

Then comes the skill component—learning assertive speech and how to actually set those boundaries effectively.

This is where people usually start when learning about boundaries. It's also where a lot of available information focuses. Yet it is not actually one of the main roadblocks, as this information-gathering stage is quite doable.

#9: Cultural and Societal Expectations

Some cultures or societies might pigeonhole you into a role that doesn't feel like it fits, making it very difficult to break out of that role.

Different cultures prioritize the collective versus the individual differently, but don't make the mistake of thinking that highly individualized cultures always have better boundaries—those cultures might actually have walls, not boundaries. There's a balance with boundaries in terms of taking care of one's social group and taking care of oneself.

Cultural expectations and societal pressures can significantly get in our way.

The counter to this is having a support group, a therapist who supports you in setting boundaries, or a subsection of your social group that can support you in determining your boundaries and really individuating—becoming the individual you're meant to be.

This can still be an individual who cares about their family and other people, so don't feel like this is all or nothing, which leads us to the next roadblock.

#8: Seeing Boundaries as All or Nothing

If you see boundaries as "all-or-nothing" it will be very hard to set and hold effective, healthy boundaries. We tend to see boundaries as either "their needs matter and I have to do what they want" or "it's what I want and they need to do what I want."

Either I put everybody else first or I put myself first—no in-between.

The counter to this is to look for the in-between , because relationships are part of our self-care as long as they're healthy, and boundaries are about healthy, balanced relationships. This all-or-nothing thinking will definitely get in the way of effective boundary setting.

#7: Fear of Major Reprisal

We have significant difficulties setting boundaries in situations that are critically important and where a horrible consequence is considered possible.

For example, if you financially need your job, it makes it much harder to set boundaries, say no, or put limits on situations. Or if you're in a marriage with children and you really don't want the marriage to break up, you might be afraid that asserting yourself and setting boundaries will result in major retaliation.

In these situations, it can be really hard to figure out what appropriate boundaries are and how you can set them to your advantage.

The keys to this are to really think it through and look again for that middle ground. There might be room for compromise and negotiation. Sometimes people think, "You can't mention compromise when setting a boundary!" but in a healthy enough relationship, boundaries really are about discussion, compromise, and negotiation to find middle ground.

In situations that aren't healthy enough and there's major reprisal or retaliation, it still might be to your advantage to look for compromise initially... until you can work yourself out of that situation. If you're in one of these high-stress, important situations, take the time to think it through, maybe look initially for middle ground, and fall back on the support we talked about earlier.

#6: Trying to Change the Other Person

Sometimes we're not really setting a boundary— our intent is actually to get the other person to change.

If that's the focus of the boundary, then it's not about taking care of ourselves or protecting ourselves. It's not about our own inner boundaries, which can exist regardless of the other person's behavior.

I know this is complicated because, of course, when we set boundaries, we want the other person's behavior to change. But that doesn't always happen, and we can't always make it happen. Our boundaries really have to be about us and for us to be effective.

#5: Fear of Conflict

It's very common to fear conflict, want to avoid it, and then not speak up in situations that might become conflictual. Often, setting boundaries is conflictual, but conflict is necessary in life and in relationships.

If you have a fear of conflict that's really holding you back from taking care of yourself, it's helpful to look into where that fear came from and what it's about. This actually relates to my number one point, so I'll come back to it.

#4: Fear of Not Being Liked

We sometimes get almost panicked if we think people aren't going to like us. This doesn't apply to everybody, but it can be a major obstacle. If there's a very strong fear that you won't be liked, really dig into where that came from. What are you really afraid of here? How do you begin to heal this fear?

It's not necessarily about saying, "I don't want to be a people pleaser anymore and I'm mad that I'm a people pleaser."

It's really more about healing the fear, which might be tied to abandonment or other difficulties that happened in childhood.

#3: Fear of Hurting Other People's Feelings

Again, this doesn't apply to everybody, but many people in my courses have said, "I have all this empathy, and when somebody else is in pain, I feel pain. I hate inflicting pain on them."

Empathy is a wonderful thing, and we don't want to lose it, but this is where internal work on emotional boundaries becomes really helpful. Whose feelings are you feeling? Whose feelings are you taking care of?

Sometimes when people get angry at our boundaries or upset or hurt by them, it's not really about us and the boundary—it's more about how they are responding.

We can't protect other people from their emotions. If we've thought through our values, considered how to express our boundary, and determined that the relationship is important but needs to be healthy, then we're not being mean or purposefully hurtful.

#2: Past Experiences and Traumas

Our past experiences and traumas, particularly those based in childhood and with our family of origin, drive our concept of boundaries. We learn how to be in relationship through our family (or community) when we are young. We learn what role we are "supposed" to take. We learn whether our needs and wants matter.

With trauma or dysfunctional living situations, we learn to cut off parts of ourselves in order to stay in relationship. Maybe we were the parentified child, the caretaker, or the emotional caretaker of others. To do that, we had to cut off parts of ourselves, and then we replay that pattern in one relationship after another throughout life until we heal.

What we learn in childhood needs to be investigated, and not with a sense of blaming. I always say this is a fact-finding mission, not a fault-finding mission. We're not looking to blame parents or grandparents because this usually goes back generations. But we're looking for the facts: How did this impact me? How did that impact stay with me through other relationships? How is it influencing my relationships now? How is it causing me to either hold back from setting boundaries or be way too aggressive in setting boundaries?

#1: Your Negative Core Belief

When you grow up in a dysfunctional family (and most families have some dysfunction), we usually learn something negative about ourselves that we believe to be true, even though it's not.

We develop negative core beliefs from very difficult situations, and these underlie all boundary problems. They also underlie most of the problems we have in life.

Working with people as a therapist and using EMDR tools and techniques, it was amazing to me how many different situations in people's lives, if you just keep drilling down into those core beliefs, come to basically one, two, or maybe three core negative beliefs.

Common negative core beliefs that impact boundaries include:

"My needs don't matter"

"My needs aren't as important as other people's needs"

"My emotions don't matter"

"My emotions are not as important as other people's emotions"

"I'm unworthy" or "I'm not good enough"

"I'm in danger if I'm not perfect"

"I'm in danger if I don't put other people's needs first"

"I'm in danger if I'm selfish"

"I can't trust others, so I have to do everything—it's my job to have all this responsibility"

Healing these negative core beliefs is super important for developing the ability to navigate healthy relationships.

Getting the Support You Need

I address healing negative core beliefs within my boundary program , which also includes a whole section on assertive language and assertive communication and how you can effectively set boundaries. The program gets to the core issues underneath boundaries.

I also have a free PDF called " Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs. " It helps you identify your negative core belief and gives you three ways to begin overturning and healing that core belief. You can find the link in the description.

Moving Forward with Understanding

Understanding these top 10 reasons we struggle with boundaries is the first step toward overcoming them. Remember, most of these obstacles are interconnected—your negative core beliefs (number 1) often drive your fear of conflict (number 5), fear of not being liked (number 4), and fear of hurting others' feelings (number 3).

The good news is that you can develop healthy boundaries. With awareness, practice, and often some healing work around past experiences and core beliefs, you can develop the ability to set healthy boundaries that improve your relationships and your life.

Let me know what you think of this top 10 countdown of reasons we can't set effective boundaries. Which ones resonated most with you? I'd love to hear from you in the comments.

Boundaries vs Ultimatums

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Fri, 18 Jul 2025 12:02:59 GMT

Are you setting boundaries or are you issuing ultimatums? What's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum? When is an ultimatum needed?

An ultimatum might be a boundary that you're setting that has a very severe consequence that you intend to follow through with .

Or an ultimatum might be a boundary that's combined with a threat .

Understanding the distinction between boundaries, ultimatums, and threats can mean the difference between creating healthier relationships and inadvertently damaging them. Today's blog will help you understand when each approach is appropriate and how to navigate these challenging interpersonal dynamics.

Understanding What Boundaries and Consequences Really Are

You've probably heard that boundaries go with consequences.

If we set a boundary, it usually has some type of consequence, and some of those consequences are very natural.

There are natural consequences in terms of how we feel or what we might do. There are natural consequences on a relationship if somebody violates a boundary.

We can also set a very specific consequence if a boundary is violated. But not all of those consequences have to be extreme. Not all of those consequences have to threaten the end of a relationship.

The actual definition of a boundary is that it's a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something. Boundaries are really about your limits—your structures for navigating the world. They can be purely about yourself and your own self-care, or they can be about what behaviors in relationships you will accept, which ones you won't be happy with, and which ones you absolutely will not accept.

Your boundaries reflect your values, your needs, and your wants.

Importantly, the consequences that come with boundaries are also about you and for you. Our consequences don't always change the other person's behavior, no matter how much we want their behavior to change, and no matter how much their behavior should change.

I think the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum will be clearer if you can really think about these in terms of them being for you, by you, about you , and about you in relationships .

Consequences in Healthy Enough Relationships vs Toxic Relationships

In healthy enough relationships, the natural consequences of boundary violations might be enough to maintain appropriate behavior patterns.

In toxic relationships, stricter consequences are probably needed.

And in truly intolerable situations, ultimatums might be needed.

For example, i f you're in a relationship with someone who is abusive to you or somebody who lies to you all the time, the behavior and maybe even the relationship probably feel intolerable.

In these situations, it is important not to threaten a severe consequence (eg the end of the relationship) unless you are ready to follow through on the consequence.

IGenerally we feel ready to follow through with a severe consequence, when we are fully confident in our right to have this boundary, and we fully accept that we can't change the other person's behavior no matter how much you want to.

The Problem with Threats

In my 20 years working with people as a psychotherapist, what I observed—and I have certainly seen this in myself—is that we often use threats when we are exrtremely emotionally dysregulated. At these moments, we state what might sound like an ultimatum, and we might even believe at that moment that we will follow through with it. But when we've calmed down, all the problems of following through with that threat become clear and we back off.

These threats can actually be very damaging both to ourselves and to the relationship.

The definition of a threat is actually a statement of intention to harm the other person.

We put threats out there when we're very hurt, angry, perhaps desperate. We desperately want the situation to change, but it's not a boundary, it's not an ultimatum, and it's definitely not a consequence for a boundary violation.

Understanding Ultimatums: Final Demands

The definition of an ultimatum is a final demand or final statement of what you need (or the negotiating party needs), and the rejection of that demand will end negotiations,

It's essentially "THIS or no more discussion."

If that's the case, make sure for yourself that you're okay with that outcome.

Following through with an ultimatum might mean accepting a suboptimal outcome. It might not be the outcome you want, and that's why we often fall back into threatening and not following through.

Avoid the Zero-to-Hundred Trap

When you set consequences, it can be very helpful to start with natural and "in-between" consequences.

I see so much online where people go from zero to a hundred—either you get walked all over or the other person has to do exactly what you want.

Usually, there's something in between. There are smaller steps to take. Boundaries are not a means to control the other person; they are not a means to win a power struggle.

Boundaries are meant to improve relationships if possible, and to keep you safe if it is not possible.

Boundaries are about trying to make a relationship safe and appropriate for the roles of the people involved—keeping the level of intimacy and interaction appropriate to those roles.

The Key Factor: Emotional Regulation

The most crucial element in setting healthy boundaries—whether they're simple boundaries or more serious ultimatums—is your own emotional regulation.

This is really the key to having healthy boundaries and knowing how to set them, express them, and enforce them.

Most of the time, it's not about what information you need or what boundaries you should set. While confusion can certainly come up because boundary-setting can be very confusing in many situations, it's more about the emotional response we have when we go to set these boundaries and the emotional triggers that might make us not do that well or fold and not do it at all.

I focus extensively on emotional regulation in my boundary program, along with how to set boundaries appropriately and enforce them effectively. The program addresses not just the mechanics of boundary-setting but the inner work needed to maintain them consistently. Information on the program is here: The Ultimate Boudary Course .

Moving Forward with Clarity

Understanding the difference between boundaries and ultimatums helps you approach relationship challenges more effectively:

Remember, healthy boundary-setting is a skill that improves with practice and self-awareness. The goal isn't to control others but to create relationships that honor your values and needs while maintaining appropriate connection with others.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on ultimatums versus boundaries. Do you have a specific example or question? Drop it in the comments below and I'll take a look—I might even create a video and blog about it.

Setting Boundaries with Family: What to Expect

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Fri, 11 Jul 2025 15:32:13 GMT

Does setting boundaries with your family send SHOCKWAVES through the system?

You've been doing healing work for months or maybe even years. You finally feel like you have some things figured out and you're ready to start setting boundaries with family members so you can have healthier relationships and feel better about yourself. You take a deep breath and begin to set those boundaries... and it doesn't quite go as expected.

In fact, sometimes starting to set boundaries with family sends shockwaves through the entire system. This reality prompted a thoughtful question from one of my viewers who expressed so eloquently the problem that so many of us face. She's looking for advice on how to deal with the consequences that come when we begin changing those old patterns of people-pleasing, caretaking, and being the parentified child.

In her comment she states that "the truth is, these changes have very real consequences within the family system, and this change can bring real depression and anxiety with it."

I completely agree with her assessment, and I thought it might be helpful to share my thoughts on what you can expect when you begin setting new boundaries AND how you can best navigate this challenging but necessary process.

Understanding the Family System: The "Calder Mobile" Effect

When you begin setting boundaries for the first time, you can expect pushback, lack of understanding, and lack of awareness—even from well-meaning family members.

When we change our behavior, it impacts the entire family system. One of the best analogies for a family system is a Calder mobile—you know, those delicate hanging sculptures with balanced shapes.

Everything in a family system is balanced based on the behaviors of the individuals in that family and what they expect from each other. Each person has habitual patterns, and each person expects you to maintain your habitual patterns.

If you picture your family as a Calder mobile, imagine what happens when one of the hanging shapes changes or is removed. The whole structure leans to one side and becomes crooked.

Family members will spend considerable energy trying to get you back into your old position to keep everything comfortable for them.

If you approach this with the understanding that it is a systemic issue, rather than viewing it as evil or a personal attack, you're more likely to move forward in a confident, calm manner. You'll know to expect pushback from the system, yet you can still move forward with your necessary changes.

What to Expect: From Pushback to Extreme Reactions

Even in reasonably healthy families, you'll probably encounter these three responses:

- **Pushback**

- **Lack of understanding**

- **Lack of awareness**

In a much more enmeshed family system—where everyone's emotions are confused, responsibilities are unclear, and roles might be reversed (which happens when you grew up parentified)—setting boundaries can trigger more intense reactions.

In these systems, you might be the emotional caretaker of the family. You may not even know which emotions are your own, though you've been working to figure that out. You might habitually take on other people's emotions or be expected to manage certain family members' emotional states.

In very enmeshed family systems, setting boundaries can be viewed as:

- Disrespectful to the family

- Disloyal to family traditions and expectations

- Selfish (you'll likely hear this word repeatedly)

In more extreme cases, you might experience:

- Ostracism from family events or communication

- Belittling and put-downs about your new boundaries

- Guilt trips about standing up for your own needs

- Shaming

In really entrenched and enmeshed family systems—particularly if there are members with personality disorders—the reaction to your boundary-setting might be extreme and sustained.

Another crucial thing to understand is that change takes time. If you're getting significant pushback, whatever consequences you decide to implement will probably need to be exercised multiple times. Systems take time to adjust, so patience with the process is essential.

How to Navigate Boundary-Setting Successfully

I'm going to walk you through four key areas that will set you up for success: 1) inner strength and conviction, 2) preparation of boundaries and consequences, 3) communication strategies, and 4) building a support system.

1. Inner Strength and Conviction

I know this might sound daunting, but you've already been doing healing work. There's no finish line you need to cross first — just the more secure you can become in knowing it's okay for you to have needs and set boundaries, the better this process will go.

The key components to this section are:

**Knowing You Deserve Boundaries**: The deeper your conviction that you deserve to set boundaries, the smoother the entire process becomes.

**Emotional Regulation**: This is crucial. The more emotionally regulated you can stay while interacting with difficult family members, the easier it will be to stick to your boundaries. Really working on your emotional regulation tools before you need them is key.

**Disconnecting from Others' Opinions**: When we set boundaries, people generally aren't happy about it. If you're completely invested in convincing them that this boundary is a good idea, you're likely to fail. You'll exhaust yourself trying to convince them this is reasonable, but you actually don't need to do that. Not requiring others to buy into your view is essential.

This concept of regulating your own emotions is actually a core piece of the boundary program I offer—an eight-week program that looks at how to heal your negative core beliefs (which might be along the lines of "my needs don't matter" or "my needs aren't as important as someone else's") that need to be addressed upfront. The program also focuses extensively on emotional regulation tools that are best if practiced and utilized before you put yourself into potentially explosive situations. You can find more information about the boundary program by clicking this link.

2. Preparation of Boundaries and Consequences

**Understanding Yourself**

Spend time really understanding your own needs, wants, values, and beliefs. This foundation will help you prepare the boundaries you want to set. Also identify the specific behaviors, actions, activities, and conversations that make you uncomfortable.

**Understanding Your Triggers**

Understand your personal triggers. Why do these things bother you? How can you manage your emotions so they don't cause you to explode, run away, freeze, or fight? If you can manage your triggers and understand that they exist for good reasons, this awareness will help you be very specific about your boundary-setting.

**Realistic Expectations**

Think through realistic expectations for change in your different relationships. Some family members might be able to adapt, change, and respect your boundaries. Others might not be able or willing to do so.

Having realistic expectations doesn't mean you're giving them a pass or making excuses for them. It simply means you're being realistic so you can set appropriate consequences. It doesn't mean you have to put up with behaviors that are upsetting and harmful to you.

If you have a particularly toxic family member who you don't think will have the ability or willingness to change, anticipating this upfront helps you in two ways:

1. **It helps you set consequences you control** (withdrawing yourself from situations, limiting contact, etc.)

2. **It helps you manage your emotions in the moment** rather than hoping for change that won't come

**Boundaries vs. Threats**

During this preparation phase, remember that consequences are not threats, and threats are not consequences. Threatening cutoff or threatening to prevent someone from seeing your children isn't a consequence—it's a threat. Threats are often given during emotional dysregulation moments and frequently aren't followed through with.

**Preparing Responses**

Come up with responses to the pushback you expect to receive. If your family system typically uses guilt trips, rehearse a few calm responses. Often, the most effective responses simply restate your position calmly without going down the rabbit hole of whatever you're being accused of.

Be prepared to reiterate your boundaries and redirect family members multiple times. Anticipating that this will take time helps with that crucial emotional regulation.

3. How to Communicate Your Boundaries

Keep three words in mind when setting boundaries: **clear, kind, and firm**.

**Be Clear**: State your boundary directly and specifically

**Say it Kindly**: Avoid attacking or blaming language

**Say it Firmly**: Firm means assertive, not aggressive

Communicating with the "Healthy-Enough" Family Members

Express your boundary from the perspective of your feelings: "I feel X when this happens, and I'd like to ask that you do A, B, C instead." This approach avoids blaming and isn't attacking, which helps people respond more positively.

Communicating with the Toxic Family Members

If you have a really toxic family member, expressing your feelings may actually be used against you. You might be put down for feeling what you're feeling, or it might give them fuel to attack you. In these cases, simply state: "I no longer want to be yelled at. If that begins to happen, this is what I will do."

Any pushback ("You're such a baby," "You're being ridiculous," etc.) gets the same calm response: "I no longer want to be yelled at. If that begins to happen, this is what I'll do."

Additional Communication Skills

- **Learn to say no clearly and simply**

- **Value your own time and peace of mind**

- **Avoid family gossip and triangulation** ("He said," "She said," jockeying for position)

If you're trying to get out of an enmeshed family system, not engaging in behaviors that contribute to the enmeshment will be very helpful.

4. Building a Support System

This is really important because as you make these changes and bring them into your family system, the resulting shockwaves can make it hard to hold your ground without support.

Professional and Peer Support

- **Supportive therapist** who understands family dynamics

- **Supportive friends** who've been through similar experiences

- **Support groups** like Al-Anon (for friends and family of people with alcoholism) and other "anon" groups

- **Online communities** focused on family recovery and boundary-setting

Many problems in enmeshed systems include alcohol, drugs, or mental illness, so having a support system where people understand these family dynamics can be invaluable.

Self-Support

Use self-compassion throughout this process. Know that this won't be a straight line—you're going to set a boundary and then struggle to hold it at times. You're changing habitual patterns that have been in place for years or decades.

As you practice boundary-setting and experience the self-esteem that comes from holding reasonable boundaries, it becomes very reinforcing. Having compassion for yourself as you go through this process and giving yourself time to adjust is essential.

The Hopeful Reality: Boundaries Improve Relationships

I need to end with a hopeful message because having healthy boundaries actually improves relationships—even family relationships. Over time, the healthy (or healthy enough) members of your family will adapt and change. Hopefully, your relationships with them will strengthen to the point where your family becomes somewhat of a support system rather than just an anxiety-producing system.

That's the hope and intention of moving forward with boundary-setting. You can even share this vision with the healthier family members—that you're working toward stronger, more respectful relationships for everyone.

Moving Forward with Confidence

This is a complicated topic that requires ongoing attention and practice. Remember these key points:

- **You deserve self-respect and respect from others**

- **You deserve to take care of your own needs while being a contributing family member**

- **Doing both is possible**, though maybe not in the way your family is used to or wants

- **Things can change** with time, consistency, and the right approach

The family mobile will eventually find a new balance—one that includes space for your needs, your boundaries, and your well-being. It may look different from what everyone is used to, but it can be healthier for everyone involved.

Setting boundaries with family is one of the most challenging aspects of personal growth, but it's also one of the most rewarding. You're not just changing your own life—you're potentially creating a healthier legacy for future generations and modeling what healthy relationships can look like.

What questions do you have about setting boundaries with your family? Have you experienced some of these dynamics? I'd love to hear about your experiences and any specific situations you'd like me to address in future content.

The Paradox in Healing Anxiety

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 02 Jul 2025 22:45:29 GMT

The very actions that will free you from anxiety might make you feel worse, temporarily, before they make you feel better.

This isn't often talked about, yet understanding this paradox could be the breakthrough you've been waiting for.

The Healing Paradox: Why Getting Better from Anxiety Might Initially Feel Worse

Picture this:

In order to heal your anxiety, you finally work up the courage to do that thing you've been avoiding or you resist a compulsive behavior that goes with your anxiety. Instead of feeling better, your anxiety skyrockets. You might think, "This isn't working—I must be doing something wrong." But actually, that spike in anxiety is proof you're doing something very right.

I'm going to explain why your brain responds this way, how you can work with this process instead of fighting it, and give you specific examples of how this paradox shows up across different anxiety disorders. More importantly, I'll show you how to navigate this temporary discomfort so you can reach the more lasting relief of recovery.

Understanding the Anxiety Paradox

Most anxiety disorders involve either avoidant behaviors or compulsive behaviors. True healing—the kind that actually rewires your brain—requires you to:

- Stop avoiding the things you typically avoid

- Stop engaging in compulsive activities that might temporarily lower your anxiety

Either of these changes will temporarily spike your anxiety. Engaging with things you usually avoid will make your anxiety increase in the short run. Same with holding back from compulsive behaviors.

At the end of this article, I'll share strategies for tolerating this increased anxiety, but first, let's look at specific examples to make this concept clear.

Examples of Anxiety Disorders with Avoidant Behaviors

**Agoraphobia**

A person with agoraphobia might avoid leaving their apartment entirely, or they might specifically avoid crowds. When they make the decision to avoid these situations, they get temporary relief—which feels reinforcing to the brain. However, this avoidance maintains the anxiety long-term.

Full recovery not avoiding these things because that's how you rewire the connections between your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.

**Social Anxiety Disorder**

Someone with social anxiety will avoid social events because they fear doing something embarrassing or being rejected. They might attend events but hold back and not fully engage. Again, this avoidance provides temporary relief but reinforces the anxiety cycle.

Healing requires gradually engaging in social situations, which will initially feel more anxiety-provoking.

Examples of Disorders with Compulsive Behaviors

**Health-Related Anxiety**

This might involve compulsively researching every possible health problem on the internet. The research provides temporary relief—you feel like you're "doing something" about your concerns. However, since excessive research isn't actually solving the problem, it reinforces the anxiety cycle.

Holding back from this compulsive research will temporarily increase your anxiety.

**Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)**

While OCD is no longer classified as an anxiety disorder, it follows similar patterns. Consider someone who compulsively washes their hands. Each time they wash, they get temporary relief from their anxiety. But this relief is brief, and soon they feel compelled to wash again.

To fully recover, they need to stop the excessive handwashing, which will temporarily increase their anxiety.

The Parentification Example

Last week, I published a blog and video about parentification and anxiety , which actually inspired this piece. People who grew up parentified often compulsively:

- Take on excessive responsibility for others

- Worry constantly about other people's emotions

- Engage in emotional caretaking of others

This creates anxiety because while we can influence other people's emotions, we can't fully control or manage them. People who grew up parentified were essentially taught to attempt the impossible, and anxiety often relates to trying to control things we can't control.

Recovery requires holding back from:

- Constantly intervening in others' problems

- Giving unsolicited advice

- Taking on too much responsibility

- Jumping in to solve problems that other capable adults should handle themselves

Because these behaviors became so ingrained from such a young age, holding back from them will temporarily increase anxiety. However, changing these behaviors has the greatest influence on rewiring our brains.

Why Behavior Change Matters At Least As Much, If Not More Than, Thought Change

You'll hear a lot about needing to "change your thoughts," and yes, eventually changing thought patterns helps us escape anxiety cycles. However, it's not all about thoughts, and sometimes we can't change our thoughts without first changing our behaviors.

Actual behavioral changes probably have the greatest influence on rewiring our brains. If you're interested in learning more about the science behind this, I have a free webinar called " Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence " that explores fascinating research on what happens in your brain when you engage in certain behaviors and how these changes can help you focus more on joy and reorient away from anxiety.

Helpful Behaviors To Heal Anxiety Might Also Temporarily Increase Anxiety

It's not just about stopping avoidant or compulsive behaviors. Sometimes implementing new, helpful behaviors can also make you feel anxious initially.

**Meditation**

I frequently hear from people with anxiety: "I can't meditate—it makes me more anxious."

And yes, if you have significant anxiety and try to sit still for 10 minutes focusing only on your breathing (especially without a guided meditation recording), you might experience intense anxiety.

However, understanding that the long-term cure involves learning to tolerate that anxiety and slow things down is crucial. Research consistently shows that meditation helps lower anxiety over time.

**Accepting Powerlessness**

Another anxiety-reducing strategy involves accepting powerlessness when you are genuinely powerless. Many people worry that accepting powerlessness will increase their anxiety, and it might temporarily. However, if you're truly powerless over someone else's behavior, addiction, or emotions—or powerless to achieve a certain outcome you desperately want—admitting that powerlessness becomes hugely relieving.

This acceptance helps you focus on what you can do now to create the best possible outcome, even when you can't control the final result. For most significant life situations, we can't control the ultimate outcome, but we can focus on what positions us best to get there. This approach is far more productive, and engaging in productive action lowers anxiety.

How to Tolerate Increased Anxiety

Now that you understand why anxiety temporarily increases during healing, here's how to work with it:

Suggestion #1: Learn to Sit with Discomfort and Investigate It

- What does the anxiety feel like?

- Where do you feel it in your body?

- What are you physically experiencing?

People feel anxiety in different places—some in their stomach, some experience muscle tension, others notice changes in heart rate. Really examine where you feel it.

When you identify the location, explore the qualities of the feeling. Approach this investigation with genuine curiosity.

Suggestion #2: Use Breathing Techniques

While investigating your anxiety, breathe diaphragmatically—slowly and evenly, with equal inhale and exhale periods. This breathing signals to your brain that you're safe and helps lower anxiety while you're experiencing and tolerating it. It's another paradox, but if you try it, you'll understand what I mean.

Suggestion #3: Practice Mindful Engagement

Whether you're engaging in behaviors you usually avoid or holding back from compulsive behaviors, investigate what that experience feels like. Let yourself feel the discomfort. I know it's extremely uncomfortable, but you can tolerate it.

Some people find it helpful to "invite your anxiety in for tea"—though if that feels too friendly, simply bring curiosity to the feeling of anxiety rather than resistance.

Suggestion #4: Professional Support Can Help

Several psychotherapy techniques excel at helping you sit with anxiety feelings, including somatic-based therapy techniques, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and Exposure Therapy.

Suggestion #5: Visualization Practice

You can practice this on your own or with a therapist. Imagine tolerating the anxiety—picture yourself going into crowds, attending social events, giving speeches, or not obsessing over physical sensations. Imagine what that increased anxiety would feel like, then practice tolerating it, feeling it, and breathing through it.

Imagining ourselves doing things we know we're capable of but feel too anxious to attempt can be remarkably helpful.

Moving Forward with the Paradox

Understanding this healing paradox is liberating. When your anxiety spikes as you implement healthier behaviors, you'll know you're on the right track rather than assuming something's wrong.

Remember:

- Temporary anxiety increases during healing are normal and expected

- Your current coping strategies (avoidance or compulsions) provide short-term relief but maintain long-term anxiety

- True healing requires tolerating temporary discomfort

- Professional support can make this process more manageable

- The discomfort is temporary, but the healing is lasting

The path through anxiety involves moving toward the discomfort rather than away from it. This might seem counterintuitive, but it's how you build genuine confidence in your ability to handle whatever life presents.

I don't provide therapy anymore, but I have several resources available. I'm an affiliate of two online therapy platforms BetterHelp and Online-Therapy , and there's also an online program called VirtualEMDR that guides you through a self-help EMDR process.

I'm curious about your thoughts on this paradox. Does this explanation make sense? Have you noticed this pattern in your own healing journey? Let me know in the comments—I'd love to hear from you.

Were You the 'Responsible One'? How Parentification Creates Adult Anxiety

Tue, 24 Jun 2025 18:13:00 GMT

Do you find yourself constantly worried about other people's problems? Do you feel responsible for everyone else's emotions and well-being? If you're nodding along, you might be experiencing the lasting effects of growing up parentified.

How Parentification Creates Adult Anxiety (And How to Heal)

If you grew up parentified, you most likely experience a fairly high degree of anxiety as an adult.

This connection exists because parentified children are trained from a very young age to take care of other people's emotional needs—an impossible task—and often to handle household responsibilities that are far beyond their developmental capacity.

Being responsible for things that are beyond your ability creates a perfect storm for anxiety, both in childhood and adulthood. At its core, anxiety involves trying to control the uncontrollable. When we attempt to manage things we're powerless over—especially other people's emotions—we set ourselves up for chronic anxiety. This is a complex topic, and I'll explore it more deeply as we go.

Core Characteristics of Parentified Adults

Most people who grew up parentified share certain characteristics. While these traits can have positive aspects, they also create a foundation for persistent anxiety. Let's examine these patterns:

**Chronically Overcommitted**

Growing up, you had too much on your plate, and these patterns persist into adulthood until we actively work to heal them. As adults, we continue to take on more than we can reasonably handle. Being chronically overcommitted leads to overwhelm, constant stress, and persistent anxious feelings.

**Difficulty Relying on Others**

People who grew up parentified struggle to depend on others. As children, they learned they couldn't trust others to handle important responsibilities—they could only rely on themselves. This becomes an ingrained pattern that follows you into adulthood.

While developing strong self-reliance can be positive in many ways, extreme self-reliance creates unbalanced relationships. The healthiest relationships involve interdependence—sometimes we depend on others, and sometimes they depend on us. There's a natural give-and-take.

When we resist relying on anyone else, we prevent this healthy interdependence from developing. This leaves us without adequate support, which increases anxiety. Everything feels like it rests on our shoulders, and we end up believing that other people's behaviors and problems are our responsibility to manage.

Reframing Your Childhood Experience

In my 20 years of working with clients as a therapist, I often heard, "But I was the most capable person in my family. I was the only one I could rely on."

You probably were the only reliable person in that family system. Learning to depend on others as an adult will be challenging, but it's absolutely worth the effort.

However, believing you were the most capable and intelligent family member likely reflects seeing yourself through your parent's eyes. Your caregiver(s) viewed you as the most capable and you internalized that perspective. You are most likely not viewing the experience through a child's lens.

From a child's perspective, while you may have gained some self-esteem from taking care of others, you were also carrying an enormous burden far beyond your years. This responsibility limited your ability to play, prevented you from being carefree, and kept you constantly focused on what you needed to accomplish for others.

All of these factors contribute significantly to anxiety.

How to Heal Your Anxiety from Parentification

While standard anxiety reduction techniques can certainly help, I believe you'll find it very difficult to fully recover from this type of anxiety unless you address the root cause of parentification and understand how it has shaped you.

** 1. Identify Your Negative Core Beliefs **

The first step toward healing involves understanding what negative core beliefs you developed as a result of parentification.

The most common belief is: **"My needs don't matter as much as everyone else's needs."**

If you were emotionally parentified, you learned very early that your parent's emotions (or perhaps both parents', or even the entire family's emotional state) took priority over whatever you were feeling. So the belief of "My emotions don't matter" is also likely to resonate.

Other common core beliefs include:

- "I can't trust others"

- "I can't rely on anyone but myself"

Before healing can happen and before meaningful changes can be made to your habitual patterns, you must genuinely believe that your needs matter.

{I've created a free PDF that helps you identify your specific negative core beliefs and provides practical methods for transforming them. You can access it by clicking here .}

You'll need a deep conviction that your needs matter to successfully implement the following steps and change your patterns of worrying about things beyond your control.

** 2. Accept Your Powerlessness Over Others **

I understand that the concept of powerlessness frightens many people. Many people have an immediate reaction of, "No way, I don't want to admit I'm powerless!"

However, accepting reality is super helpful in many ways!

We are completely powerless over the weather (at least immediate weather conditions, not commenting on climate change). We are equally powerless over other people's emotions.

While we can influence others' emotions and certainly offer help, we cannot control how others feel or respond.

Consider this example: If a child grows up feeling responsible for preventing their mother's depression, they might occasionally succeed in cheering her up or motivating her to take care of responsibilities. These small victories feel incredibly reinforcing. However, the child cannot cure their mother's clinical depression.

The same principle applies to a parent with addiction or an anger problem. A child might sometimes prevent dad from losing his temper or temporarily stop a family member from using substances, but ultimately, controlling someone else's temper or addiction is impossible.

When we truly accept that something is impossible, this acceptance becomes profoundly liberating. It can bring enourmous relief to admit to oneself, "I really can't control this outcome, so I don't need to exhaust myself trying!"

** Creating Emotional Boundaries **

For people who still feel responsible for managing others' emotions, I recommend visualizing your emotions as existing within a bubble around you, while the other person's emotions exist within their own separate bubble.

I've developed a guided meditation on this concept, and I explore it extensively in my boundary program (Click here for the Ultimate Boundary Course ). This work helps you develop a solid sense of your emotional boundaries—understanding where they begin and end, and clarifying what you are and aren't responsible for managing.

**3. Release Attachment to Outcomes You Cannot Control**

The third step involves letting go of excessive attachment to results that lie outside your control.

Typically, people become most attached to outcomes involving family members with self-destructive behaviors. I completely understand the desire to help and make a positive difference. However, if you believe you're responsible for someone else's choices and behaviors, you'll remain trapped in anxiety because you'll continuously attempt to control something that someone else actually controls.

Other adults have agency over their own behavior, whether that leads to positive or negative consequences.

Real-World Examples

Let me illustrate how these three principles work together with concrete examples:

**Example 1: Your Young Adult Child's Career Choices**

Imagine you're a parent whose young adult child is pursuing what you consider a disastrous career path. You believe they won't be able to support themselves financially, and you desperately want them to choose a different professional direction. You spend enormous mental energy strategizing how to convince them to change course.

This constant worry is probably damaging your relationship because your young adult wants autonomy over their decisions, while you're consumed with fear about their future.

Your motivation stems from genuine care, but it's manifesting as anxiety and attempts to control something beyond your influence.

**Example 2: A Friend in What You Perceive as an Abusive Relationship**

Another common scenario involves a friend who remains in what you believe is an abusive relationship, and you feel an urgency to help them recognize this.

Speaking up and sharing your observations is appropriate and caring. However, if you become convinced that it's your responsibility to ensure they leave this relationship, you'll experience tremendous anxiety trying to control someone else's major life decisions while potentially damaging your friendship.

These situations are genuinely difficult. When we witness someone making choices that appear destructive, stepping back feels almost impossible.

The Healing Paradox: Embracing a Temporary Increase in Anxiety...!

Here's a crucial aspect of healing that many people don't anticipate: as you begin changing your behaviors and establishing healthier boundaries, your anxiety will temporarily increase.

Currently, your anxiety drives you to worry about others and intervene (or desperately want to intervene) or obsessively analyze their situations. Your anxiety is the engine behind these behaviors. This anxiety drives your actions. These actions reinforce the anxiety.

Examples of the actions that come from "parentification-based" anxiety could be: researching someone else's problem extensively, taking care of what they should be taking care of as an independent adult, lecturing and continually bringing up your opinion about what they should do, etc.

Changing these behaviors and restraining from interventions will be needed in order to lower your anxiety in the long run. However, restraining from these familiar responses will initially heighten your anxiety. Learning to tolerate this temporary spike in anxious feelings is essential for changing your behavioral patterns, which is what ultimately transforms this entire cycle.

Your Roadmap to Freedom

Here are the essential steps for healing anxiety rooted in parentification:

1. **Understand how parentification affected you** and identify the negative core beliefs that developed as a result, then begin the work of healing those beliefs

2. **Accept your powerlessness over others** and develop clear emotional boundaries

3. **Release attachment to outcomes** involving other people's behaviors and choices

4. **Prepare for and tolerate the temporary anxiety increase** that occurs when you stop trying to control others—and learn to sit with this discomfort

Remember, if you grew up parentified, these patterns developed as survival mechanisms. They served an important purpose in your childhood environment, but they no longer serve your well-being as an adult. With understanding, patience, and the right tools, you can heal from this anxiety and build healthier, more balanced relationships.

Healing from parentification requires time and often benefits significantly from professional support. Please be patient and compassionate with yourself as you learn to prioritize your own needs and trust others to manage their own lives.

I'd love to hear whether this information resonates with your experience and what insights emerged for you. If you found this helpful, please share it with others who might benefit from understanding this important connection between childhood parentification and adult anxiety.

Anxiety Physical Symptoms Out of the Blue

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Thu, 19 Jun 2025 16:14:28 GMT

Does your anxiety hit you - WHOOSH! - out of nowhere?

You might be walking along, not thinking about anything that would make you anxious, when all of a sudden you're filled with anxious feelings.

There's a reason this happens, and I'm going to share it with you today. Understanding subconscious triggers can help you understand yourself and calm your anxiety.

The Frustrating Reality of Somatic Anxiety

We're often told that anxiety starts with thinking, with our cognitions. People or doctors will say, "You must have been thinking about something that made you anxious. There must be something happening in your life that makes you anxious."

This can be incredibly frustrating and invalidating for people who experience somatic anxiety—anxiety that manifests in the body.

Very often, people who experience anxiety this way become frustrated because the anxiety management tools shared by therapists, doctors, YouTubers, and friends don't relate to their experience. In this blog, I'll help you make the connection between how you experience anxiety and how these tools actually can help you, when applied correctly.

Understanding Subconscious Memories

Very intense experiences become linked in our memory bank with the physiological feelings we experienced at the time. This can happen with positive memories and with very negative and upsetting memories.

Our hippocampus, one of the key parts of our brain that handles memory, encodes our memories with sights, sounds, feelings, smells and tastes—but not always with a complete "story" of the event.

Positive Memory Links

On the positive side, there might be a particular smell—like cinnamon or something your grandmother cooked—that brings you a lot of pleasure. Or it could be the way the landscape feels and smells during the first snow. You might have many positive memories, and when those sensory elements recur, you feel that positive response. Sometimes this links to an something you do remember, but not always.

Traumatic Memory Links

With traumatic memories, these links can be formed in a very intense way. For both major traumas and smaller traumas, we can have encoded memories that don't reach our conscious mind, but these memories are encoded with the physiological feelings of the experience. When these physiological responses are triggered, they can feel completely out of your control, making you feel powerless to stop or change the feelings.

The intensity of the link between sensory information and emotional response is related to the intensity of the initial trigger event. The link is also strengthened each time you experience the trigger.

Preverbal memories can also be encoded this way and trigger these feelings.

However, the practices needed to calm these responses is the same whether the initial experience is conscious, subconscious or preverbal.

Understanding Consciousness as a Spectrum

Basically, consciousness means to be aware. However, this is actually a controversial term, with many people holding different definitions. Yet I think it is helpful to think about consciousness as existing on a spectrum.

**Beginning of the Spectrum**: Sensory information enters without your cognitive awareness—without your frontal lobe thinking or language centers processing it. Sensory information comes in and impacts you. Some would call this subconscious, but it's really at the beginning of consciousness because part of you is conscious of it—you're taking in that sensory information.

**Other End of the Spectrum**: Full cognitive awareness. You're aware of the complete experience. You can think about it, remember it, see what's happening now, and feel the sensory information.

Our consciousness operates along this wide spectrum, and all of it impacts us.

The Anxiety Cycle That Starts with Physical Feelings

Here's how the anxiety cycle often works when it begins with physical feelings:

1. **Sensory information enters** and impacts your feelings (whether emotional, physical, or both)

2. From there, it typically leads to anxious thoughts*

3. It can also lead to anxious behaviors

4. Those anxious thoughts and behaviors then increase the anxious feelings

A key point to remember is that you might not be able to stop that initial impact on your feelings . You may not be able to prevent the intake of that sensory information. You might not be consciously aware of it.

So that initial trigger and those initial feelings might still occur.

However, you can still intervene to prevent continuing the cycle in a way that makes it worse.

Why You Can't Always Stop the Initial Trigger

I know this might not be the answer you want: you want to know how to stop those triggers entirely. (There are ways to address this, but it requires significant work and time. I believe EMDR therapy is an excellent approach for this).

However, in the meantime, there are strategies you can implement which can help enormously. (Even if you pursue EMDR therapy, you'll need these tools in place to slow down the entire cycle).

Investigating Your Personal Anxiety Cycle

The key is understanding how this cycle works for you. Take time to really investigate this: after that anxious feeling arises for "no reason," what happens next?

**Where Do Your Thoughts Go?**

Here's an example: those anxiety feelings arrive and then you think, "What's wrong with me? I'll never get better." All sorts of negative core beliefs can underlie these thoughts, such as:

- "I'm defective"

- "I'm in danger"

- "I can't trust anyone"

- "I can't trust doctors"

- "Something terrible must be happening if I feel this way"

These thoughts are usually driven by our negative core beliefs.

I have a free PDF that I developed using EMDR therapy techniques and other approaches to help you identify your negative core beliefs and then transform them. You can download it here .

**What Behaviors Follow This Feeling?**

Do you engage in behaviors that might actually worsen your anxiety, even though they temporarily seem to help?

The types of behaviors that worsen anxiety are either **compulsive** or **avoidant**.

**Avoidant behaviors**: Avoiding something that frightens you when you're anxious temporarily provides relief, but it actually convinces the primitive part of your brain, "Yes, we really do need to fear that." This continues the cycle.

**Compulsive behaviors**: For example, going online to research health symptoms might temporarily provide relief—"I'm doing something about it"—but then you fall down a research rabbit hole that actually continues the cycle and worsens the anxiety.

The Solution: Breaking the Cycle

I know you want to stop those triggered anxiety feelings, but let's say you can't control them right now. What you need to focus on is where you go after experiencing those feelings.

What if, when those anxious feelings hit, you could say: **"This is happening again. I really don't like these feelings and wish they would go away, but they're here. I don't need to search for another reason for them. I know my anxiety symptoms, and I know there are things I can do to help them improve."**

Essentially, you're accepting that you're having this feeling without attributing it to anything other than "I experienced a trigger." Then:

- Take a deep breath

- Use one of the physiologically calming techniques that are healthy and available to you

If you didn't see the blogs of the last two weeks, they provide more information on this: Physical Symptoms of Anxiety and Anxiety: When Your Body Responds to Made-Up Stories . In these posts, I discussed the techniques that help in more detail and I cover all the possible physical symptoms that can result from anxiety. Even though it can be hard to believe that a particular symptom is actually from anxiety, anxiety can impact our entire body.

Building Agency Over Your Anxiety

The key here is that while you might not be able to stop that initial anxiety surge, you can stop the cycle. As you do this, you'll develop increasing agency over your anxiety. You'll become more skilled at using diaphragmatic breathing tools and grounding techniques.

If you can view this as a process—not as "I'll work hard for three days and expect it to be done" (and I completely understand the desire that it would work this fast!)—but as a gradual process, it will gradually improve.

As you learn to calm your nervous system and strengthen your parasympathetic nervous system, those triggers won't impact you as severely over time.

Professional Support for Deeper Healing

If you have traumatic memories, working with an EMDR therapist can be incredibly helpful. You can process even preverbal memories or experiences you only vaguely remember—they can be processed so you become less sensitive to that sensory information.

I no longer provide direct therapy, but I highly recommend finding a qualified EMDR therapist if this resonates with you. If you have difficulty finding an in-person therapist, there is an online service you can try: Virtual EMDR . (This link provides you with a free trial. And you can use Promo Co de: AWAKENJOY20 for 20% off (t he program code must be put into the promo code box when you checkout for the discount! ) This is an online service I have used and I support ).

Moving Forward with Understanding

Understanding that your anxiety can hit "out of the blue" due to subconscious triggers doesn't mean you're powerless. While you may not be able to control that initial surge of anxious feelings, you absolutely can learn to interrupt the cycle that follows.

Remember:

- Your experience of somatic anxiety is valid

- Anxiety management tools do apply to you, even when your anxiety doesn't start with thoughts

- Building skills to interrupt the cycle will give you increasing control over your anxiety

- This is a gradual process that requires patience with yourself

- Professional support through EMDR or other therapy techniques can help address the underlying triggers

You're not broken, and you're not powerless. With understanding and the right tools, you can learn to manage anxiety that seems to appear from nowhere.

Let me know what you think of this information and whether you have questions or other topics you'd like me to address. If you found value in this today, please share it with others who might benefit from understanding this aspect of anxiety.

Physical Symptoms of Anxiety

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Thu, 12 Jun 2025 12:38:26 GMT

Can these symptoms really be anxiety?!

Physical Symptoms of Anxiety: Understanding Your Body's Response

If you're experiencing physical symptoms from anxiety, these can be very strong and very scary. You're probably wondering: could these really be anxiety?

Maybe you weren't particularly worried and you're still having these very strong physical reactions. Or perhaps you weren't worrying at all and the physical reactions just hit you out of the blue.

This can be very confusing, and many people wonder: is this anxiety or is it something else? In this article, I'm going to cover physical symptoms of anxiety in detail, explain why your body responds this way (understanding this can really help you calm yourself about the symptoms you're having), and discuss what you can do about it.

First Things First: See a Doctor

If you're having serious symptoms, you always want to see a doctor and get everything checked out. There are a number of conditions that can look similar to anxiety symptoms. However, if you've been given a clean bill of health, this blog will help you understand why these symptoms arise from anxiety and confirm that they are from anxiety!

Now, I want to reiterate: **anxiety is not all in your head.** Even if a doctor says there's "nothing wrong with you and these symptoms are anxiety," know that anxiety does cause real physical symptoms .

They are uncomfortable, they can be very scary, and they are real. You are really physically feeling something.

How Anxiety Affects Your Entire Body

Anxiety can impact almost every one of our major physiological systems. Anxiety can impact our:

- Cardiovascular system

- Respiratory system

- Gastrointestinal system

- Muscular skeletal system

- Other parts of our nervous system

Cardiovascular Symptoms include:

- Increased heart rate

- Pounding heart or racing heart

- Palpitations (sometimes fluttering or a skipped beat)

- Chest pain

- Lightheadedness or dizziness

- Feeling faint or unsteady

As I mentioned earlier, if you're having these symptoms, have them checked out by a doctor. However, if they're tied to anxiety, you can then begin to treat them as anxiety.

Gastrointestinal Symptoms include:

- Difficulty swallowing

- Change in appetite (some people when they get very anxious can't eat at all, while other people just want to do nothing but eat - it really can impact you either way)

- Upset stomach

- Nausea

- Diarrhea

- Other digestive problems

- Constipation

Respiratory Symptoms include:

- Shortness of breath

- Hyperventilation

Muscular Skeletal Symptoms include:

- Muscle tension (very common)

- Tremors or shaking

- Tics (for example, a little pulse in your eye, which is pretty common, or in your hand - it can happen in different places)

- Headaches (very common with anxiety)

- Muscle aches, pains, and cramps

Other Symptoms include:

- Numbness or tingling in your extremities

- Sweating

- Dry mouth

- Fatigue

- Insomnia

You can really see how the physical symptoms of anxiety can impact your whole body.

Understanding the Adrenaline and Cortisol Cycle

Let me explain briefly about the adrenaline and cortisol cycle, because all of these symptoms actually have a common cause when they're caused by anxiety.

When you have a stressor, your adrenaline begins to spike. This isn't necessarily a bad thing - if you have a saber tooth tiger you need to run away from, you want your adrenaline to kick in. Sometimes a small amount of adrenaline can be motivating to study for an exam, prepare for a big work meeting, or motivate yourself to get off the couch and do what you need to do. A certain amount of adrenaline helps us get up in the morning, so a little bit can be helpful. Too much can be problematic.

When adrenaline kicks in, shortly thereafter a hormone called cortisol kicks in and begins to rise. As cortisol peaks, the adrenaline starts to drop. So the cycle goes: stressor → adrenaline goes up → cortisol goes up → then they both drop, hopefully followed by a period with no stressors. When another stressor hits, it happens again. Our bodies are built to deal with this.

If your stressors are happening and your adrenaline is spiking once in a while, often you won't have major physical symptoms. However, if you have continual stressors, how you manage your stressors will impact this cycle as well. And this is not to minimize stressors. Some are very serious, some can be minor. The more you can make sure you aren't overreacting to the minor stressors, the more energy and wherewithall you will have to deal with the serious ones. And many serious ones require planning, which is more effective when you are not in the middle of an adrenaline-cortisol spike.

If we respond to minor stressors with a lot of anxiety and worry (which is really what an anxiety disorder is), we're continually responding to every stressor, whether it's big or not, with adrenaline. Then cortisol kicks in. With continual stressors and the way we respond, the cortisol never gets a chance to come down. Cortisol can remain elevated chronically on an ongoing basis, and that has actually been implicated in a number of major diseases.

I'm not saying this to frighten you, but to give you motivation that you can have agency over your anxiety. Anxiety is very treatable . When I worked with people as a therapist for over 20 years, working with anxiety was very satisfying for me as a therapist, and it was satisfying for the client because people could make major progress. So I want to give you that hope.

The Health Impact of Chronic Stress:

Continually elevated cortisol levels are tied to:

- Diabetes

- Osteoporosis

- Cardiovascular disease

- Weakened immune system

- High blood pressure

- Impact on sexual desire and libido

- Reproductive functions

Why This Happens: Your Body's Design

Your body is designed to deal with dangerous situations. Our brains evolved this way. We have an amygdala and a fight, flight, and freeze response. If we're actually being chased by a dinosaur or a scary dog, we're designed so that our fear response will kick in:

- Our adrenaline will spike

- Our muscles will tense

- Our heart rate goes up

- We have digestive issues (you don't need to be digesting your food if you're being chased by a wild animal - you need to not digest that food and just run)

- We get a very single-minded focus

I want to come back to that single-minded focus because I think it's quite important and we don't always talk about that being an impact of this fear response.

We need this fear response - we want it in some situations. The problem is when we think about that dinosaur, when we think about that scary thing happening, our body has the same response.

Simply thinking about being attacked by whatever the danger is produces the same response: our adrenaline spikes, our muscles tense, our heart rate goes up, we have digestive issues, we get a single-minded focus.

That single-minded focus is problematic because most of the problems we face today really need our whole brain online. We need to be able to think creatively, pull in solutions, and be aware of what we can do right now and what we want to do to be prepared to face problems in the future.

You want the whole brain working, not just that overactive amygdala, and you want to be thinking creatively. That's not what happens when you have to run away from a wild animal.

How All Physical Symptoms Connect

All the physical symptoms of anxiety have a common thread - they can all be tied to a fight, flight, or freeze response:

- Your inability to swallow or eat: if you have to fight, flee, or freeze, you're not eating a meal

- Digestive issues: if you have to fight, flee, or freeze, you're not digesting your food - in fact, the opposite

- Constipation can be tied to the fight or flight response

- Diarrhea is more tied to the freeze response

The freeze response kicks in when we can't fight and we can't flee. You'll see this with animals - if an animal is being attacked by a larger animal and can't run away, it will go into a freeze state. A number of symptoms that you might not think were anxiety-related are actually freeze state related, such as dizziness, lightheadedness, and passing out.

The opposite - heart rate going way up and heart palpitations - is part of the fight or flight response.

What You Can Do About This

**Identify Your Symptoms as Anxiety**

If you've had everything checked out and you are having these symptoms, or if you know that these are tied to anxiety, you can begin to treat them that way. As you begin to try to relax your physiological being, you will probably see an improvement in your symptoms.

Treating the symptoms as anxiety allows you to take care of them, and then they won't be making you more anxious. You won't be worrying about the symptoms, which is what tends to happen and why they tend to worsen your anxiety cycle.

**Practice Healthy Relaxation Techniques**

Practice techniques that help you relax in a healthy way. This does not include things like alcohol or benzodiazepines - those have a biphasic impact. They might give you a feeling of relaxation, but when their half-life is through and they're processing through your body, they leave you more anxious than you were before. They have two phases and aren't going to help you get over anxiety in the long run.

Instead, focus on techniques like:

- Yoga

- Diaphragmatic breathing

- Progressive muscle relaxation

- Grounding techniques

- Mindfulness practices

All of these can help you be here now and pull your mind back away from all the projected problems. Even if your anxiety is hitting you physically, it's going into a cycle where you begin to worry about the physical symptoms.

Understanding Your Anxiety Cycle

Whether your anxiety starts with thoughts or physical feelings, it creates a cycle. If you start with physical feelings, you might say, "Well, I didn't have a story. There wasn't something I was worried about. I just got hit with these physiological feelings." But then because you were hit by them, you started to worry.

That's where your cycle starts. Whether it starts with thoughts or physical feelings doesn't matter in terms of how you approach healing - if it starts with physical feelings, you need to help it not lead into worry about those physical symptoms.

I think that's one reason to understand that these symptoms could actually be anxiety. If they are, you don't have to worry about them - you have to calm yourself.

The anxiety cycle can start in two fairly typical ways:

1. **External Problem Starting Point**: There's some kind of external problem and our minds jump into trying to figure that problem out. We jump into the future and might catastrophize.

2. **Sensory Event Starting Point**: There's some kind of sensory event (sometimes below your awareness - it could be a smell or something you weren't even aware of) that causes a physiological reaction. That anxiety makes you think, "I'm feeling anxious, there must be something I should worry about." Then you jump into the cycle of wondering what you have to worry about, or your mind goes through all your problems.

Wherever it starts, it goes into this entire cycle: anxious feelings lead to anxious thoughts or increase the ones you're having already. They also lead to anxious behaviors (which can be either compulsive or avoidant). Both anxious thoughts and anxious behaviors then increase those physiological and emotional feelings of anxiety.

It's really key to understand your cycle - your anxiety cycle - where it starts, where it goes, how it works, and how you can learn to interrupt it.

Looking Ahead

This video is part of a three-part series. Next week, I'll be releasing a video about anxiety when there is no story - for people who feel anxious but can't identify what they're worried about. We'll talk about how our past experiences get linked deep in the brain, creating connections between certain sensory information and emotional responses. This link can be either positive or negative and can often be the trigger for anxious physical symptoms, sometimes out of your conscious awareness.

**Remember: anxiety is very treatable.** You can definitely make improvement and lower your anxiety. If you're getting value from this information, please share it with others who might benefit.

Let me know what you thought of this article and whether it was helpful. Understanding that your physical symptoms might be anxiety-related is the first step toward managing them effectively and breaking the cycle that keeps you stuck.

Anxiety: When Your Body Responds to Made-Up Stories

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 04 Jun 2025 14:58:11 GMT

Our bodies physically respond to anxious thoughts...just as if we're watching a stressful movie.

In this blog, I'll discuss why and how this happens. I'll also go into some super interesting scientific research on movies that is demonstrating how strongly our brains and bodies respond to "made-up" stories.

And most importantly, I'll provide guidance about how to use this information to calm your own anxiety. Whether your anxiety starts with worrying thoughts or a physical feeling, this will help! approach to understanding anxiety will be tremendously helpful for your recovery.

The Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Cycle

If you've watched my videos or read other blogs, you're hopefully familiar with the cognitive behavioral therapy cycle. The basic principle is that your thoughts impact your feelings and behaviors, your feelings impact your thoughts and behaviors, and your behaviors impact your thoughts and feelings. All these elements cycle together in an interconnected loop.

While we generally think about anxiety as starting with a problem—an external problem confronts us and we respond with thoughts that feed the anxious cycle—this isn't always the case. For some people, sensory information actually triggers the initial response. It could be a smell, sight, or sound that directly triggers anxiety without any conscious thought process.

Understanding where your personal cycle typically begins matters for healing, which I'll address at the end of this article. However, regardless of where your cycle starts, it will cycle through all components: thoughts, feelings, and behaviors reinforcing each other.

Two Pathways: External Problems and Sensory Triggers

**When External Problems Trigger Anxiety**

Let me start with anxiety that begins with external problems. The problems that most commonly impact our anxiety share certain characteristics: they involve significant uncertainty, focus on outcomes we desperately want but can't completely control, and require us to project into an uncertain future.

We might focus intensely on getting the job, achieving happiness, or attaining whatever we define as success. Because there are elements outside our control and enormous uncertainty involved, we begin projecting into the future, imagining potential obstacles and complications. This forms the basis of cognitive anxiety—anxiety that originates with our thoughts.

This process leads to catastrophic thinking—imagining we'll encounter one problem after another and wanting to prevent all these potential problems. Since none of these imagined problems are occurring right now, we can't actually prevent any of them in the present moment, yet we feel compelled to anticipate every possibility. This mental process fuels increasing anxiety.

As we fuel anxiety through catastrophic thinking, we generate intense physical symptoms. These are fight, flight, and freeze responses driven by the amygdala and other primitive brain regions. These physical symptoms then convince the rest of our system that we truly do need to be anxious, creating a self-reinforcing cycle where physical symptoms validate our anxious thinking, which increases both anxious thoughts and anxious behaviors. The entire cycle—thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—spirals out of control.

**When Sensory Information Triggers Anxiety**

The other pathway occurs when anxiety starts with physical sensations triggered by sensory information, often without conscious awareness. Many people experience sudden panic attacks and report, "I wasn't anxious, I wasn't thinking about anything worrying, and suddenly I started having this panic."

However, once those physical symptoms appear, they typically trigger the cognitive component of the cycle. The moment you notice these physical sensations, cognitive worry often begins: "Oh no, why am I having this symptom? Something must be wrong with me. Maybe this really isn't anxiety. Maybe there's something else wrong with me."

If we could experience those physical symptoms and simply acknowledge, "Oh, that's happening again," without creating a worry narrative around them, we wouldn't be feeding the anxious cycle. I'll discuss at the end of this article why anxiety triggered by sensory information happens, often completely beneath conscious awareness.

I want to mention that whether your anxiety starts with external problems leading to catastrophic thinking, or it starts with physical feelings triggered by sensory information, the cycle operates similarly. Many people experience sudden panic attacks and say, "I wasn't anxious, I wasn't thinking about anything worrying, and suddenly I started having this panic."

However, once you have those physical symptoms and pay attention to this pattern, you'll begin to see the cycle. Once you experience those physical symptoms, you enter cognitive worry: "Oh no, why am I having this symptom? Something must be wrong with me. Maybe this really isn't anxiety. Maybe there's something else wrong with me."

If we could experience some of those physical symptoms and simply think, "Oh, that's happening again," without worrying about it, we wouldn't be feeding this cycle.

I hope this makes sense. I'll discuss at the end why anxiety triggered by sensory information happens, often without your conscious awareness.

The Evolutionary Basis of Our Physical Response

Humans evolved, and our brains evolved, with a primary focus on survival. Our brain developed to keep us safe and alive. The amygdala, which plays a key role in this process, primes us to fight, flee, or freeze whenever there's a threat.

Here's the crucial point: **the amygdala cannot differentiate between real and imagined threats**. This is where we need our frontal lobe to intervene, calm the amygdala, and recognize, "This isn't actually a dinosaur chasing me." I have several videos about amygdala hijacks and being triggered, which will be useful if you're interested in this topic.

The key point is that made-up stories trigger the same physical response as if the situation were actually happening.

The Movie Research Connection

Let's consider movies. We know they're not real, yet we still respond physiologically. I'm someone who jumps constantly during movies when something scary or shocking happens—I have a very external expression of it. Not everyone does, but many people do, and we all feel something.

Current research on movies and their effects on our brain and body is fascinating. The research demonstrates measurable physical responses to movie events. We know movies aren't passive experiences, but the fact that they trigger measurable changes is remarkable. Researchers can measure hormonal changes and electrodermal activity (the amount of sweat on your skin). These are subtle changes that vary with different emotions.

Electrodermal activity is one tool researchers use to observe physiological changes in humans tied to emotions while watching movies. Heart rate and blood pressure are measured during movies. There are now numerous studies using fMRIs to examine brain imaging and brain activity while people watch movies.

When we watch scary movies, our innate fight, flight, and freeze response activates, preparing us for immediate danger even though the danger isn't real and isn't physically present. Simply being frightened by the story triggers measurable spikes in adrenaline and cortisol levels—our stress chemicals.

This provides a powerful example of how our bodies respond to imaginary threats, responding the same way to those anxious made-up stories in our minds.

Positive Research Findings

There's also positive research about movies. Watching comedies and laughing actually lowers blood pressure—we should all watch more comedies! Heart rates can reach 40 to 80% of their maximum rate (the range doctors recommend for exercise) and can remain elevated for extended periods during movies, which could actually be beneficial.

Another key finding is that heart rates and electrodermal activity—all physiological data—fluctuate with the narrative arc. As the story changes, so does people's physiology. Some research shows that audience members' heartbeats begin to beat in synchrony with each other, which is fascinating.

This makes me think about how when we're next to someone who's anxious, we probably feel more anxious ourselves. We pick up on each other's moods, emotions, and sometimes physiological states.

Brain Imaging Research

fMRI studies show that stressful movies can trigger the same neural circuits involved in anxiety—the same brain circuitry that fires together during anxious feelings. Movie watching actually recreates emotional states accurately—the same emotional states we experience in real life.

There are increasing fMRI studies examining brain function during movies, mapping brain areas that activate with different emotional states. Researchers are using this in studies of affective and emotional disorders, including anxiety.

This research definitely connects to those made-up stories in our minds.

How to Calm Your Anxiety

What do you do about this? How do you calm your anxiety? I have numerous videos on this topic—I'll provide highlights here and point to areas you might want to investigate further.

**1. Increase Awareness of the Thought-Feeling Connection**

To calm your anxiety, first increase your awareness of the connection between your thoughts and feelings. Use this growing awareness to separate the physical feeling from the "made-up story." I use "made-up story" in quotes because I know there are real problems, but they're being projected into the future where what you're worrying about isn't happening right now.

Separate that physical response as much as possible from those thoughts. The intense physical response triggered by catastrophizing isn't congruent with the present moment—sitting here in this environment right now. It's also unnecessary for solving the problem. In fact, it can interfere with actually solving the problem.

**2. Understand Your Personal Anxiety Cycle**

Really understand your anxiety cycle. Does your cycle start with external problems? Does it start with internal feelings? Does it start with sensory experiences? If external, what types of events trigger it? What are you anticipating? How does this impact your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors? How does this cycle work for you?

Behaviors can either contribute to anxiety or help you calm down. Become intimately aware of your personal anxiety cycle.

**3. Prioritize Calming Your Physical System**

Calming your physiological state is one of the most powerful interventions available. It truly communicates to older brain parts—the amygdala and ancient areas that don't have language centers—that you're actually safe.

Essential tools include diaphragmatic breathing and grounding techniques. I recommend practicing these regularly on a daily basis, preferably when you're not highly anxious. Begin doing them regularly every day, and you'll develop the ability to access them during more anxious states. This builds over time like a habit, like a muscle that grows stronger.

**4. Identify Helpful and Harmful Behaviors**

Identify behaviors that contribute to your anxious cycle and those that break it. Consider how your behaviors—whether compulsive or avoidant—contribute to your anxiety. If you're afraid of something and avoid it, you're communicating to your primitive brain, "This is really scary; I better run away."

Identify what those behaviors are and what behaviors you can implement to cut the cycle, calm yourself, and change the pathways. Behavior is actually the most powerful way to change your brain circuitry and create new neural pathways.

Habitual physical reactions get different brain regions working together rapidly. Your brain develops neural pathways where this event leads to this feeling, leads to this thought, and it accelerates with repetition. Habits of anxiety and habits of relaxation are equally important.

**A Practice Exercise**

One thing you can practice—this is just one idea among many—is actually calming your body while thinking about the situation that frightens, triggers, or worries you. Think about that situation while doing diaphragmatic breathing or grounding techniques and observe what happens.

If you haven't seen my free webinar, " Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence ," it explores the concept of neural pathways and what you can do to change them to feel less anxious and focus more on joy. It covers what behaviors you need to change, and I think you'll find it helpful.

Conclusion and Future Content

Pay attention to what behaviors you can implement to help break the cycle. These can include diaphragmatic breathing and grounding techniques, as well as taking walks, petting animals, and similar activities.

I know some viewers would like more information about the actual physical symptoms of anxiety, but including everything would make this article too long. My next article will focus on the physical symptoms of anxiety, so make sure to subscribe to my channel.

Another question many viewers have is, "I don't have a story." People who feel their anxiety is triggered by internal feelings or external sensory information often feel there was no story when it started. I'll address this in an upcoming article about "what if there is no story."

In that article, I'll discuss how past experiences link sensory information with emotional responses. These connections become deeply embedded in our brain and can be positive or negative. Positive sensory experiences can evoke emotions (like the smell of your grandmother's cooking), but for people prone to anxiety, many things can trigger anxiety beneath conscious awareness.

How does the connection between thoughts and physical sensations show up in your anxiety? Have you noticed parallels between your responses to movies and your anxiety responses? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Worst Case Thinking and How to Stop

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 20 May 2025 19:07:58 GMT

Does your brain always jump to the worst case scenario?

The Catastrophizing Mind

Something unexpected happens—or something expected doesn't happen—and suddenly you've constructed an elaborate story that leads to disaster, an unbelievably horrible future. Your whole body is feeling it, and you're completely lost in this narrative.

This thought pattern creates genuine pain that is largely avoidable—yet it's extraordinarily common, a widespread human condition that persists until we learn how to interrupt it.

In this article, I'll discuss why our brains engage in catastrophic thinking, why we get hooked by these thoughts, and how to tame this worst-case scenario thinking.

Why Our Brains Catastrophize

The fact that you jump to worst-case scenarios isn't because you're defective. Humans have numerous cognitive biases—ways our thinking naturally skews—that contribute to catastrophic thinking.

Catastrophic thinking is one of the top ten cognitive distortions humans experience.

There are six key reasons your brain gravitates toward catastrophic thinking:

1. **Survival Prioritization**: The human brain evolved to prioritize survival. Our brain focuses on ensuring our survival and therefore constantly scans for potential dangers.

2. **Future Projection**: The human brain is remarkably skilled at projecting into the future. If we didn't possess this ability to think ahead and were solely focused on survival, we would simply address immediate problems. However, we combine this future-thinking capacity with all its inherent uncertainty with our survival bias, causing us to anticipate distant threats that we can't address today and may never materialize.

3. **Negativity Bias**: We pay substantially more attention to negative aspects of our lives than positive ones. This negativity bias likely evolved from our survival focus. Instead of appreciating positive events and envisioning positive outcomes, we tend to ignore positivity, focus on problems, and create troubling narratives.

4. **Story Affinity**: Our brains love stories. The human mind is naturally drawn into narratives. Consider the movies you watch—if everything went smoothly for the characters with no conflict, how long would you remain engaged? Not very long. Our brains are captivated by stories containing conflict, resolution, and further complications. The most compelling books and narratives present one problem after another, and our brains find this engaging.

There's an element of self-entertainment in catastrophizing. This might sound difficult to believe—and you're welcome to disagree in the comments—but in a way, we entertain ourselves with these terrible stories. It's somewhat similar to watching a frightening movie that leaves you tense throughout, only to exit the theater questioning why you chose to see it. Some people enjoy such experiences; others are sensitive to them. With catastrophizing, we create this experience internally without even visiting a theater.

5. **Neural Highways**: The brain creates "superhighways" of thought. Neurons (brain cells) that communicate with each other begin to do so with increasing speed and efficiency. The pathways between them become myelinated—a sheath forms around them—allowing information to flow rapidly between different brain regions when we repeat patterns. If our response to surprising events is catastrophizing, this becomes a superhighway.

The good news is that these patterns can be rewired, which we'll address shortly.

6. **Negative Core Beliefs**: We develop negative core beliefs at a young age based on stressful situations we encounter. For some, this might involve extreme trauma; for others, it could be "little-t trauma"—neglect or persistent low-level stressors.

These experiences can generate beliefs such as: "I'm powerless," "I'm unsafe," "I'm in danger," "Other people are dangerous," "Nothing works out for me," "I'm always unlucky," "People don't like me," "My needs don't matter," "I'm not worthy," or "I'm not lovable."

These beliefs arise from traumas—whether major or minor—in childhood and become deeply embedded in the brain. These negative core beliefs often form the theme of what you catastrophize about, and they become myelinated along with other stress responses.

This might sound hopeless, but it isn't. Before discussing solutions, let's explore why we get hooked by catastrophic thinking.

Why Catastrophic Thinking Hooks Us

Catastrophic thinking hooks us because our bodies physically respond to the stories in our minds.

Briefly consider the movie scenario again: If you watch an action film with car chases and tense moments, your pulse likely increases and you might feel anxious. If the movie is sad, you might cry.

We have physical reactions to imaginary stories, and our catastrophic thinking triggers stress chemicals in our bodies. As we imagine these scenarios, we're partially living through them. The physical responses we experience are remarkably similar to what we would feel if the situations were actually occurring.

These physiological anxiety sensations then tell your brain, "Yes, you should worry about this. Yes, you need to fight, flee, freeze, panic, or run away." Your physical body contributes to the thought pattern, intensifying it.

The behaviors you engage in—whether avoidant or compulsive (the two common behavioral responses to anxiety)—further contribute to this cycle, making it worse.

When people claim it's "all about your thoughts," that's not entirely accurate. Further, sometimes we can't control our thoughts. We can't always control our thoughts, but if we understand this cycle, we can calm some of those physiological sensations and change certain behaviors, which in turn will reduce catastrophic thinking.

Four Skills to Tame Worst-Case Thinking

Here are four skills to develop that will help you calm this habit of worst-case thinking. I'm deliberately calling them "skills" and referring to catastrophizing as a "habit" because overcoming bad habits and creating new ones requires practice. All of these techniques will require practice. They may be challenging at first and sometimes tedious, but with practice, they'll become more accessible, particularly during "amygdala hijack" moments when your emotional brain takes over.

**1. Build Awareness**

Developing awareness of when you're catastrophizing is crucial. If we're unaware of what we're doing, how can we change or stop it?

This might require practice. You might become completely absorbed in a disaster scenario before eventually recognizing, "Oh, I'm just imagining this. It's not actually happening."

Even if you can't reach that level of awareness, you might notice, "I'm completely stressed about this, and my partner or friend is telling me to calm down, but I don't want to calm down." That's the moment to pause and ask, "Am I catastrophizing? Does this story deserve this much power right now?"

Whether you can stop it or not at this point, questioning its value is important—until you're convinced it's not worth doing, you're unlikely to stop it.

Build awareness of when you're catastrophizing, and with practice, you'll recognize it earlier. Then you can label your thought even if you can't stop it. Often we can't control our thoughts, but we can label them: "This is a cognitive distortion," "This is a distorted thought," "This is catastrophizing."

Labeling helps us gradually separate from our thoughts. Even if you're convinced you must think through this catastrophic situation, ask yourself if you need the physical stress response you're generating. Is there a way to consider these possibilities without all the physical anxiety?

**2. Investigate Your Patterns**

This skill involves cognitive investigation—exploring why you get upset about specific things. We've discussed why the human brain generally catastrophizes, but why do you personally do it? What are your triggers, and what are your negative core beliefs?

Sometimes people struggle to identify their negative core beliefs. I offer a free PDF ( click here to access ) that guides you through identifying your negative core belief and provides three tools to begin overturning it.

How does your catastrophizing relate to your personal story? Some people are triggered by social situations, others by work, natural disasters, or major world events. Some people are triggered by everything (more characteristic of generalized anxiety disorder).

Your worst-case thinking might be very specific—perhaps about public speaking (a common phobia) or health anxiety. Whatever form it takes, investigate your triggers and their origins.

**3. Challenge Your Stories**

When you have a catastrophic story, try writing down the major events. Here are several methods for challenging the story (the last being my favorite):

As you note the components of your catastrophic story, ask yourself aloud or in writing:

- Is this actually happening?

- What's the likelihood this will happen?

- Is there anything I can do about this right now?

If you're dealing with a real problem, there's probably something you can do about your current situation, but it's highly unlikely you can address all the problems in your catastrophic story. Focus on what you can do now.

Then ask yourself:
- What other endings could this story have?

I often recommend developing a different story with a positive ending, and another with a neutral ending. Realistically, most situations in life end with a mix of good and bad elements.

Journal or use your phone's audio recorder to create a structure for questioning these stories, considering different outcomes, and bringing your focus back to the present moment and what you can do now.

**4. Change Your Behaviors**

The fourth skill involves changing the behaviors that accompany your catastrophic thinking and contribute to the neural pathways in your brain. We want to rewire these patterns, and behavior change is one of the most effective approaches to do so.

Consider the cycle that catastrophic thinking leads to physical sensations which impacts your behavior.
catastrophic thinking → physical sensations → behaviors

The first skill listed above, Awareness, addresses the entire cycle. The second and third skills focus on the thinking aspects of the cycle.

In order to address the behavioral aspect , we need to develop new behavioral responses to our anxious thinking.

Most commonly, the behaviors that arise from anxious thinking are either compulsive or avoidant.

So sometimes a new behavior means not engaging in a compulsive behavior. For example, if you have health anxiety and habitually search the internet for symptoms, finding yourself in a rabbit hole of possible diseases, that's a behavior. Stopping this behavior is essential for recovery because these compulsive actions contribute to the cycle by providing momentary relief. That brief relief reinforces the cycle and keeps you stuck.

The same applies to avoidance. If you're panicking about giving a presentation at school and call in sick, that avoidance might initially give you relief, reinforcing to your brain that avoidance is appropriate. It reinforces that the situation is genuinely threatening and should be avoided. The temporary relief perpetuates the cycle.

Instead of avoiding, the behavior to develop is to do the thing you're avoiding. If you're engaging in compulsive behaviors, the skill to develop is not doing those things.

As you consider this CBT cycle of how thoughts affect behaviors and feelings, and how behaviors affect feelings and thoughts, you can introduce a behavior like diaphragmatic breathing, which immediately impacts your physiology. Our physical state can change remarkably quickly when we alter our breathing and actions.

Learning diaphragmatic breathing is an excellent tool for interrupting this cycle. People often try to practice diaphragmatic breathing during an amygdala hijack, when it's generally less effective. I recommend truly learning proper diaphragmatic breathing technique—a very even inhale and exhale, not a deep breath followed by a quick release. It's a slow, even breathing pattern that expands your lungs, pushes down your diaphragm, and extends your stomach outward. I have a detailed video on this technique that I'll link here .

I recommend that you practice five minutes at a time, three times daily, every day. Try it for two weeks and observe any changes, then continue for another two weeks. This is about habit formation—we want diaphragmatic breathing to become our automatic breathing pattern.

Diaphragmatic breathing aims for a state of alert relaxation rather than alert stress or complete relaxation to the point of sleep. This middle ground is achievable, but it requires consistent practice.

Summary: Key Points

If you frequently catastrophize, there's nothing wrong with you—it's a common human pattern supported by our brain's natural tendencies. We get hooked because of anxiety chemicals and our love of stories.

The four skills to develop are:

1. Building awareness of when you're catastrophizing

2. Investigating your personal triggers and negative core beliefs

3. Challenging catastrophic stories and creating alternative endings

4. Changing behaviors that reinforce the cycle

If you found value in this article, please share with someone else who might benefit!

How does catastrophic thinking affect your life, and which of these skills do you think might help you the most? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Why Are We All So Anxious?

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 14 May 2025 14:47:23 GMT

The Evolutionary Mismatch That Creates Anxiety

Why are we ALL SO ANXIOUS so much of the time?

Understanding the evolutionary root of our anxiety can be tremendously helpful in figuring out how to recover and what we can do differently. This knowledge helps us feel less defective when we understand that our brains evolved in a very different environment than we live in now, and that this mismatch causes much of our anxiety.

The Delayed Return Environment and Anxiety

Anthropologists use two particularly interesting and useful terms to describe this phenomenon. One is a "delayed return environment," which is what we live in now. The other is an "immediate return environment," which the earliest humans lived in, as did most creatures prior to human beings. Let me explain how this connects to anxiety and why it matters to you .

Consider an antelope living on a savannah. That antelope lives in an immediate return environment, which means that if it sees lions approaching, it runs immediately. This represents an immediate response to an immediate threat. When that lion is prowling and beginning to attack, the antelope has no other thought but to run as fast as possible. Then, when there are no threats, that antelope eats grass or drinks water, again getting an immediate return from its behavior.

For us humans, most of our problems lie in the future. There are delayed consequences to the actions we take today. In order to eat, we don't simply head to our lawns and munch on grass. We have to plan, maintain a job, receive a paycheck, go to the store, and prepare food.

Our brains evolved in an immediate return environment, with a focus on survival above all. This means that if there is any kind of threat or danger, our amygdala fires super fast.

When faced with immediate danger, like a lion attacking, we want that amygdala to take over. The amygdala makes us fight, flee, or freeze.

But as we've discussed in this blog and on my YouTube channel, most threats we face today are NOT immediate.

We might perceive them to be life-threatening in the long term, but our bodies are having all the chemical reactions of an immediate threat.

Our Neocortex: Blessing and Curse

A significant difference between us and that antelope is that we have a more developed neocortex. Our neocortex is extremely useful in many ways. Without it, we couldn't live in a delayed return environment.

In fact, it is only because we have a neocortex that we have been able to develop this delayed return environment in the first place.

The neocortex is the part of our brain that handles planning, projects into the future, helps us delay gratification, and assists with problem-solving.

You might have already heard that animals living in an immediate return environment don't tend to have anxiety disorders because they run and release their stress in the moment when it's appropriate. But there's another critical element: the antelope cannot predict the future.

After reaching safety and beginning to eat grass, the antelope doesn't think, "Oh no, those lions will return tomorrow. How do I prevent that? I can't prevent that," and become increasingly anxious.

It is our ability to predict the future that creates our anxiety. It's a combination of living in a delayed return environment and having this amazing predictive machine in our brain that can work too hard, developing all sorts of catastrophic stories. Since different parts of our brain don't communicate perfectly with each other, the part predicting the story doesn't realize that older parts of our brain believe that story, generating the same stress chemicals. We then get caught in a cycle of catastrophic predictions, anxiety, worry, and chemical reactions that continues until we learn how to stop it.

**[Our Evolutionary Timeline](#)**

To put this in perspective:

- Reptiles evolved over 300 million years ago

- Mammals evolved over 200 million years ago

- Homo sapiens evolved 300,000 years ago

- Humans have been living in a delayed return environment for about 500 years

That 500 years represents approximately 0.17% of the time that human beings as we know them today have existed. In evolutionary terms, it's an extraordinarily small amount of time, and our brains haven't changed enough to fully adapt. However, there are things you can do to change your own brain to make this adaptation easier.

**[How Our Brain Creates Anxiety](#)**

Our ability to predict the future is beneficial if we don't get completely lost in the story. When we do get lost in the story, we generate all the chemicals associated with that scenario. We might cry if we're thinking about something sad, or experience stress chemicals when thinking about anything stressful—even though it isn't actually happening.

This is why bringing your attention into the present moment and trying to absorb what's around you right now can help calm overactive anxiety. I'll follow this article with two more that break this down further: one focusing on catastrophizing (going to the worst-case scenario), and the other on the physical chemicals generated during anxiety.

There are other factors that contribute to anxiety:

1. **Survival Prioritization**: Our brain evolved to keep us safe, with survival as the number one priority. That's why the amygdala is so powerful and can override other brain functions.

2. **Conditioned Fear Responses**: As we go through life, we condition our brain to have fear responses in various situations. If something frightening happens to you as a child, you likely embedded a memory—perhaps a smell, sight, or sound—with a fear reaction deep in your subconscious mind.

3. **Avoidance Reinforcement**: When we fear something, we often avoid it. This avoidance reinforces the fear and creates repeated patterns of thoughts and feelings when we're scared.

4. **Strong Neural Pathways**: These patterns become very strong neural pathways through a process called myelination. The connection between neurons becomes so strong that there's no delay—the response seems automatic.

**[Neuroplasticity and Rewiring](#)**

The good news is that habituation creates these strong neural networks, but we can change them. We have neuroplasticity—our brains change throughout our lifetime—and we can begin to rewire the associations we make with certain situations. We can rewire our brains not to have the fear response once we are fully convinced it's unnecessary.

**[Our Negativity Bias](#)**

Another innate aspect of our brain is our negativity bias, well-proven by research. This aligns with our brain's primary function of ensuring survival. Our brain pays significantly more attention to negative things than to positive ones. This can impact and almost ruin our happiness, but it explains why we might spend so much time watching negative news, focusing on difficult situations, or engaging in conversations about how horrible everything is.

If you haven't seen my free webinar, "Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence," I explore these concepts in more detail, explaining how to lower anxiety and increase joy by rewiring neural networks.

**[Our Discomfort with Uncertainty](#)**

Our brains also strongly dislike uncertainty. This contributes to anxiety because we want to ensure everything works the way we want. If you're running from a tiger, you definitely want your escape to work, but that scenario is very short-lived—it either works or it doesn't. The antelope has no real memory or projection bringing that experience forward.

In a delayed return environment, there is enormous uncertainty because we plan for things that are days, weeks, or years in the future. Many things can change in that time. Because our brain excels at creating stories, we want to anticipate every possible problem, develop solutions for things that haven't happened yet, and think of every possibility rather than focusing on acceptance of uncertainty and present action.

Having our neocortex work for us means asking: "What can I do now to improve the future? What productive action can I take today?" It still works toward a goal and considers potential problems, but focuses on our best present action.

**[Skills Needed for Different Environments](#)**

The skills needed in delayed versus immediate return environments differ significantly:

**In a delayed return environment, we need:**

- Adaptability and emotional regulation

- Impulse control

- Ability to delay gratification

- Problem-solving capabilities

Problem-solving works best when our whole brain is online, integrating emotions, memories, understanding of the present, and view of the future. If our amygdala takes over and puts us in fight-flight-freeze mode, problem-solving becomes less productive. Effective problem-solving requires creativity, critical thinking, and decision-making.

**In an immediate return environment, we need:**

- Hypervigilance

- Situational awareness

- Awareness of everything around us with a sense of urgency

- Quick reactions

If you grew up in a home with frequent crises, you likely developed these immediate return skills. When crisis occurs, you learn to suppress your own needs, jump into action, and react immediately. Consider a parent whose 2-year-old is running toward a hot stove with a pot about to fall—there's no time to think and plan. You need an immediate reaction: grab the child. Similarly, if a non-swimming child falls into a pool, immediate action is required.

The immediate return environment requires the part of our brain best suited to keeping us safe in that context. Growing up in that atmosphere habituates us to use immediate return skills constantly.

**[How to Strengthen Delayed Return Skills](#)**

Learning to strengthen delayed return skills involves:

1. **Emotional regulation** – Learn diaphragmatic breathing and how to tell your body that what it's responding to isn't real. You can think about concerns without triggering stress chemicals.

2. **Faith in your adaptability** – Recognize your ability to adapt. Humans are generally adaptable, and you likely have many examples of your own adaptability. Strengthen your connection to this adaptability and learn to value it. When we trust our ability to adapt to different situations, we significantly reduce anxiety.

**[Why Understanding This Helps](#)**

Understanding the difference between immediate and delayed return environments and how our brains evolved is empowering for several reasons:

1. It highlights the disconnect between our genuine worries and the fact that we don't need to produce anxiety chemicals. We can separate real-life challenges from our body's chemical responses through emotional regulation.

2. This theory validates that our distress is real. The distress we feel with anxiety is genuine—we experience physical reactions that feel terrible and can make us panic about our survival. But these reactions stem from ancient brain mechanisms—it's not your fault.

3. Examining your personal experiences helps you understand how your brain's evolution combined with your specific experiences to wire your brain in particular ways. You connect certain situations, experiences, and people with fear, creating automatic, habituated fear and anxiety responses.

Over time, the human brain has changed. As we grow, our brain changes, and we can take deliberate actions to help rewire it. Intentional efforts to change our thinking, responses, and behaviors can actually alter the neuronal structure of our brain.

I hope this information helps you understand your anxiety better and gives you tools to address it. Subscribe to my channel for more content like this, and tune in next week when I'll address two separate aspects of anxiety: cognitive thought patterns and somatic bodily sensations.

What aspects of the delayed versus immediate return environment do you find most helpful in understanding your own anxiety? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Is Anxiety Hereditary?

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 29 Apr 2025 18:38:37 GMT

Do we, or can we , inherit anxiety?

Sometimes is seems that anxiety runs in families, but not everybody has it.

Other times, someone might have anxiety when no one else in their family does.

In this blog, I'll discuss the current state of research regarding whether anxiety is genetic and inherited. I will also address whether this knowledge matters, and if it does, why it matters.

The role genetics plays varies by specific anxiety disorder. Toward the end of this article, I will provide a summary of current research findings for generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, specific phobias, agoraphobia, and social anxiety disorder (the five anxiety disorders that primarily apply to adults in the DSM-5-TR). I will also include obsessive-compulsive disorder because, while it's no longer classified as an anxiety disorder, many readers ask about OCD, and there is significant overlap.

Before examining specific disorders, it's important to understand the research methodology and findings in general terms. I'll break down concepts like "familial aggregation" and "concordance rates in twin studies" to provide an accessible and understandable overview.

The Science Behind Anxiety and Genetics

Anxiety is a common human experience. However, it becomes a disorder when it is excessive, interferes with daily life, or impacts overall functioning or happiness.

Anxiety disorders are prevalent—research shows that up to a third of the population will experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their life.

Family history and genetics are definite risk factors, but they are not determinants. There is no gene for any anxiety disorder that directly causes the condition .

Overall, family conditioning, family history, and genetics can be viewed as influences that increase the likelihood of developing a disorder, but they are not determinative.

How Researchers Decide If There Is a Genetic Link

When anxiety disorders cluster within families, researchers call it "familial aggregation."

Research indicates that having anxiety in a first-degree relative can increase your risk of developing an anxiety disorder anywhere between three and 17 times compared to someone without that family history.

However, families influence us in many ways. We learn from our parents' behavior, we mimic others' coping mechanisms, and we adopt patterns of behavior from those around us. These behaviors can be passed down through generations without necessarily indicating a genetic link.

To determine whether anxiety truly has a genetic component, researchers often turn to twin studies. A common method involves comparing incidence rates between identical twins (who share exactly the same genetic structure) with fraternal twins (who are as genetically different as any two siblings). Most siblings share approximately 50% of the same genes, while identical twins share 100%.

For clarity when reading research, it's helpful to know that identical twins are called "monozygotic," and fraternal twins are called "dizygotic"—terminology that can make research studies confusing for non-specialists.

In research literature, you might encounter sentences like this regarding obsessive-compulsive disorder in twins:

"There is a concordance rate of 0.57 for monozygotic versus 0.22 for dizygotic twins."

To break this down for you, this sentence means that if you're an identical twin and your twin has OCD, you have a 57% chance of having that disorder, whereas if you're a fraternal twin and your twin has OCD, you have a 22% chance of having it.

The concordance rate represents the likelihood that one twin will have the anxiety disorder if the other twin has it.

Since OCD appears approximately twice as common in identical twins, this suggests a significant genetic contribution.

However, it's important to note that even in identical twins, there remains a 43% chance that the other twin won't develop OCD .

The Role of Epigenetics

To summarize, most anxiety disorders appear to have both genetic and familial links, yet other factors play a very important role.

These additional factors include the environment you grew up in, the environment you are in now, specific life experiences, and epigenetics.

Epigenetics refers to environmental factors or life experiences that trigger gene expression. Epigenetic factors play a crucial role in determining whether particular genes become activated. This principle applies across many conditions, not just mental health disorders. The developing field of epigenetics highlights an important truth: our genes do not determine our destiny.

Does It Matter If Anxiety Is Inherited?

This brings us to the question:

Does it matter whether anxiety was inherited through family behavior or genetics?

I believe this information can be a double-edged sword.

In my work as a psychotherapist, I've observed that when individuals focus on their belief that their disorder is genetic, they often believe nothing can be done about it. They adopt the mindset: "I inherited this; I will always have it."

If this belief prevents someone from seeking help, or doing the work needed to recover, then awareness of genetic components may not be beneficial... because regardless of the cause, anxiety is treatable . Many people can achieve full recovery, and most others can experience significant improvement.

In terms of treatment approaches, the specific trigger or genetic predisposition matters less than commitment to recovery. While you might face additional challenges with family patterns of anxiety or intergenerational trauma, recovery remains possible. Whether the source was trauma or generational stress, effective tools and techniques exist.

On the positive side, understanding the inherited aspects of anxiety can help people avoid feeling defective. It reduces self-blame for having an anxiety disorder. When we understand anxiety in the context of its prevalence in the general population and its presence in family histories, this understanding fosters self-compassion. And self-compassion, in turn, aids healing.

An additional benefit of knowing about familial risk is the potential for earlier treatment seeking. Earlier intervention correlates with better outcomes.

S pecific Anxiety Disorders and Their Genetic Components

Here's a summary of research findings for specific anxiety disorders:

**Generalized Anxiety Disorder: Research indicates approximately a six-fold increase in the likelihood of developing generalized anxiety disorder if you have a first-degree relative with the condition. Twin studies suggest genetics contribute about 30% to GAD development. Researchers exploring specific genes associated with anxiety disorders have identified a potential link to a gene called RBFOX1, though this research remains preliminary and inconclusive.

**Panic Disorder: Research shows a wide range in family aggregation odds ratios. If a family member has panic disorder, you are between three and 17 times more likely to develop it yourself. This wide range limits specific predictive value, but clearly indicates increased risk.

Some genetic studies have identified a possible link to the NPSR1 gene for panic disorder. However, anxiety disorders are generally considered polygenic, meaning they involve multiple genetic regions.

**Specific Phobias: Research on specific phobias varies considerably, with family influence accounting for approximately 30% to 60% of risk. This variability likely stems from the diversity of specific phobia types and triggers.

**Social Anxiety Disorder: Twin studies show an inheritability rate of around 27% due to genetic components. A family history of any anxiety disorder increases the likelihood of developing social anxiety.

**Agoraphobia: Research indicates a person is 2-4x more likely to have agoraphobia if a close relative has it (as compared to someone without agoraphobia in the family). However, there is a high "co-morbidity" rate between agoraphobia and panic disorder: meaning that most people with agoraphobia also have panic disorder. There is research that shows that agoraphobia without panic disorder does not aggregate in families. This could indicate that the genetic link is actually that of panic disorder.

**Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: As discussed previously, twin studies suggest a significant genetic component in OCD. The likelihood of developing OCD if a family member has the condition increases dramatically if that person developed OCD in childhood. Childhood onset of any anxiety disorder increases the chance of genetic transmission, but this effect is particularly pronounced with OCD.

Key Takeaways

* Family history increases risk of an anxiety disorder by 3-17 times but it doesn't guarantee anxiety.

* Twin studies demonstrate a genetic component to the inheritability of anxiety disorder. However, even with identical twins this is not determinative.

* Epigenetics matters—environment activates genetic predispositions.

* No gene has been found to determine any anxiety disorder

* Your genes are not your destiny— recovery is possible!

* Many people achieve complete relief from anxiety symptoms and m ost others experience significant improvement with treatment, whether there is a genetic component or not.

* Neuroplasticity allows your brain to create new, healthier patterns.

* Early treatment leads to better outcomes.

If you haven't yet viewed my free webinar, " Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence ," I encourage you to explore it. I discuss how our brains become wired when we repeatedly connect thoughts and behaviors with specific feelings. This contributes to anxiety, negative self-talk and destructive thought patterns. While these patterns often develop early in life, neuroplasticity allows us to change our brain wiring. We can alter which brain regions activate and which neurochemicals are produced. By changing behaviors, we can transform our environments, and even deeply ingrained patterns can be rewired.

I encourage you to watch the webinar and seek help if you're struggling with anxiety — effective treatments exist.

This article covers more technical material than my usual content, so I am interested in your feedback. My next video and article with address "Why do I have anxiety?"—a common question I receive. Many wonder why they experience anxiety while their siblings don't, whether it's genetic or behavioral. That forthcoming article will explore the various causes of anxiety beyond heretability.

How has understanding the genetic components of anxiety affected your perspective on your own experience? I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts in the comments below.

Stop Amygdala Hijacks: Research Based Technique

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 09 Apr 2025 15:31:50 GMT

Brain scans show a calming of your amygdala when you do this ONE thing!

When you are in the middle of an amygdala hijack and your emotions are going wild, the fear center of your brain is on fire.

But if you do one simple thing, you will activate your prefrontal cortex and calm down your amygdala.

I'm going to share what this simple technique is, provide the scientifically proven benefits of using this technique and share 7 steps to implement this technique in the most effective way!

The T echnique: Affect Labeling

Affect labeling is putting into words what emotion you are feeling.

I know this sounds very simple, but don't dismiss this idea too quickly! Keep reading, and you'll understand WHY this works and HOW to implement it most effectively!

The simple act of identifying what emotion you're feeling engages your frontal lobe—specifically, it activates your right ventral lateral prefrontal cortex (RVLPFC). You cannot put feelings into words without utilizing this part of your brain, which is involved in processing, analyzing and thinking about emotions.

fMRI studies show increased activity in the RVLPFC when people engage in affect labeling. The RVLPFC then communicates with the medial prefrontal cortex (MPFC), which then communicates to and calms your amygdala. The MPFC actually dampens activity in the amygdala.

Understanding the Amygdala

Most of you know that the amygdala is your sentry—the part of your brain that's always looking for danger and signaling "fire, fire, fire!"

When there actually is a threat, having an active amygdala is beneficial as it gets you moving quickly to address dangerous situations.

The problem with the amygdala in modern society is that it frequently sets off alarms when we're not in immediate physical danger. This is the part of the brain that creates the fight-flight-freeze response and intensifies all our emotions as if we were under a survival threat. [For more information on what an amygdala hijack is, read this or watch this ].

When we're in survival mode, we don't prioritize relationships, reasoning, planning, or choosing reasonable responses. We become totally reactive, which often gets us into trouble. However, by pausing and thinking through what you're feeling, you activate other regions of your brain, and your amygdala calms down.

The Science Behind Affect Labeling

Research has demonstrated the effectiveness of affect labeling. In studies, participants looked at upsetting pictures which activated their amygdala. The researchers then had different control groups perform various tasks while viewing these images. [Link to the research is here , and another research article, here ].

People who labeled what emotion they felt showed much lower activity in the amygdala compared to those who performed other labeling tasks (such as identifying the gender in the picture, labeling emotions shown in the picture) or those who simply observed.

Researchers found an inverse relationship between activity in the amygdala and activity in the frontal lobe—when the prefrontal cortex was more active, the amygdala was less active.

Understanding how we can engage different parts of our brain to achieve specific emotional outcomes is powerful. There's physical evidence that what we think about changes what's happening in our brain— we can literally change which brain areas are activated based on where we direct our attention.

If you're interested in learning about how you can rewire your brain for more joy and confidence, I believe you'll be very interetsed in my free webinar " Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence " that explores these concepts further.

How to Implement Affect Labeling

Let's talk about practical ways to use affect labeling in your daily life:

Step 1: Pause and reflect on what you're feeling physically and emotionally

In the middle of an amygdala hijack, pausing is essential to engage other parts of your brain. As soon as possible, take a moment to identify where and what you're feeling.

Step 2: Be specific about the emotion you're namin g

It's very helpful to use an emotion chart (many are available online). Don't just say, "I feel bad." How exactly do you feel bad? Even "anger" can be too general—is it frustration or rage?

Also, try to identify if there's another emotion underneath the obvious one. If you feel angerm, see if you actually feel hurt or sadness, deeper than the anger. If you feel anxiety, investigate is it a feeling of powerlessness? Or irritation? Perhaps there may also be a sadness that you'd prefer to ignore! We often feel multiple emotions simultaneously - which can make things complicated, leading to Step #3:

Step 3: Don't worry if you can't immediately identify your emotion

Many people don't know exactly what they're feeling and then become anxious about that uncertainty, leading to self-criticism. It's completely fine to say, "I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Perhaps it is... [fill in some options]."

Take time to elaborate on your emotional state. Whether you verbalize these thoughts aloud (preferable) or just in your head, using words engages different parts of your brain.

Step 4: Be patient with yourself as you develop emotional awareness

It takes time to develop awareness and understanding of our emotions. Allow yourself to practice. Expanding your emotional vocabulary has been linked to better mental wellbeing, so it's worth investing time in this skill.

Step 5: Observe your emotions non-judgmentally

Don't criticize yourself with thoughts like, "I always do this!"

Just observe.

If you're angry, avoid telling yourself, "I shouldn't be angry."

It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling—what matters is the behavior that follows.

This entire process is about slowing down and calming down so you can choose your actions rather than simply reacting. Your feelings are separate from the behaviors that often follow them.

Step 6: Combine affect labeling with physiologically relaxing techniques

While not mentioned in the research I referenced, I believe it's beneficial to combine naming your emotions with activities that are physiologically relaxing. This could be taking a deep diaphragmatic breath, going for a slow walk in nature, or petting your dog or cat while you identify your emotions.

Step 7: Notice the effects and practice regularly

As you practice affect labeling, pay attention to whether it calms you down and shifts your thinking and feeling.

Importantly, practice this technique when you're not in the middle of an amygdala hijack. On an ordinary day, check in with yourself—"I'm feeling okay, but what specifically does 'okay' mean for me right now?" Use an emotion chart to identify precisely what you're feeling.

The Benefits of Affect Labeling

To summarize, here are the key scientifically proven benefits of affect labeling:

- Reduces the intensity of negative emotions

- Helps you regain control during difficult emotional situations

- Allows for more thoughtful responses in what you say and do

- Improves your emotional intelligence and awareness

- Enhances overall mental wellbeing

You DO have the ability to calm your amygdala, reduce your reactivity, and regulate your emotions—and this process will get easier with practice!

I'd love to hear your thoughts on affect labeling. Has this technique worked for you? Do you have questions about implementing it in your life? Share your experiences in the comments below!

9 Steps to Heal the Fawn Response

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Mon, 24 Mar 2025 23:18:33 GMT

Are you ready to break free from the automatic fawn response?

Break free from the habit of people pleasing and subjugating your own needs?

It IS possible, and today's blog provides 9 Tools to do so.

Understanding the Fawn Response

The Fawn response is a behavior developed in childhood, often connected to complex trauma. It could even be little "t" traumas on an ongoing basis, where as a child, you learned to subjugate yourself to the caregiver in order to stay in relationship and survive. This becomes a deeply ingrained survival behavior which can become habitual. As you grow up, it gets applied to all situations.

This blog will go through nine components required for healing.

- The first three focus on internal work

- The next three are more practical, action-oriented techniques

- The last three address deeper psychological work

Internal Work (Components 1-3)

# 1. Recognize that fawning developed because it was necessary at the time

Understand that fawning was a survival strategy, and it might have been the very best choice available to you. It may also have been, in many ways, the only choice. Even today as adults, there are situations where choosing a fawning-type behavior might actually be the best choice.

This is important to understand because we don't want to eliminate this response entirely—we want to get to the point where it's not an automatic go-to reaction. Instead, we want to reach a place where you can consciously think, "I'm choosing to do this right now."

Acknowledging that this developed as a survival strategy helps prepare you for the next two components.

[ For more information on what the fawn response is and why it developed, read this blog]

# 2. Begin to acknowledge and validate your own feelings

If you grew up in an environment where you learned to fawn, my guess is that not only were your caregivers not paying attention to your feelings, but you also had to subjugate your own feelings to the point where you weren't aware of what you were feeling.

As an adult, it's necessary to begin recognizing and identifying your emotions: "I'm feeling angry" or "sad" or "frustrated" or "irritated." Begin to acknowledge and even verbalize what you're feeling.

The simple act of labeling your emotion calms down your fight-flight-freeze response and increases activity in the areas of the brain that help you solve problems. There is research that shows this happening via fMRIs!

# 3. Practice self-compassion

Understanding why this behavior developed can help you practice self-compassion. Changing these behaviors is hard and takes time. If you find yourself automatically fawning and later yelling at yourself, try not to do that—you're basically re-traumatizing yourself for a behavior you learned for survival.

Instead, try noting it with self-compassion: "Interesting, I fell into that pattern again." And then connect this to the next step by adding, "I fell into that pattern again because of this situation." Observe with compassion rather than judgment.

Practical Tools (Components 4-6)

# 4. Identify situations that trigger fawning behavior

Notice which situations trigger your fawning behavior. As you review these situations, see if there are patterns similar to those you experienced as a child. They may reflect situations that were emotionally or physically dangerous, or that created a rift between you and your caregivers.

Identifying these situations helps you understand what patterns became embedded in your emotional brain.

As you observe these patterns, bring in self-compassion and that observer mindset. This approach is much more productive than criticizing yourself.

As you identify these patterns, you can connect them to current situations: "This situation at work with a difficult authority figure is recreating this childhood pattern for me."

You are bringing in your frontal lobe to analyze the emotional reaction, which helps you realize, "That was threatening to my very existence when I was a child, but it is not threatening to my existence right now."

This recognition is crucial because automatic fawning behaviors come from a need to survive immediate danger. The uncertainty of longer-term consequences (like losing a job) might be problematic, but it's not an immediate survival threat. Differentiating between then and now helps calm your fawn response.

# 5. Keep a journal to track people-pleasing behaviors

Keep a journal for 30 days. Journal on this question: "Did I say or do something today to please someone else that was at my own expense?"

As you review the events of each day, you might realize, "I didn't do it this situation, but I did do it in those five situations." Again, maintain self-compassion with no judgment—just observe and be aware this will take time.

This question gets at the heart of the issue:

What did you do today that ignored your own values or needs in order to stay in relationship with someone else, avoid criticism, or prevent rejection?

Verbalizing this through an audio journal or writing it down utilizes different parts of your brain that help you comprehensively understand what's happening.

# 6. Practice emotional regulation tools daily

Implement diaphragmatic breathing, grounding exercises, or any techniques that calm your physiology. Practice these regularly, not just in the middle of triggering events.

You can weave these practices throughout your day. Set an alarm for three different times during the day, and when it goes off, simply take three deep diaphragmatic breaths. No one needs to know you're doing it—you can do it anywhere, and it's free.

While it might not feel immediately helpful, you're stimulating a different part of your nervous system that helps you realize, "In this situation, it would not be life-threatening if the relationship were severed. I'm not in a situation where my immediate survival is at stake."

When you feel safe enough, your normal breathing pattern will naturally be diaphragmatic. It's all a feedback loop—a body-based technique that communicates to the rest of your brain.

The fawn response is differentiated from the fight-flight-freeze response. Sometimes they're grouped together, but I think it's more useful to separate them (I'll cover this topic in the future if you're interested—let me know in the comments). The fawn response uses different parts of the nervous system and brain because it's largely about staying in connection with others.

That said, knowing whether your underlying response is fight, flight, or freeze beneath the fawn behavior can be helpful. People who fawn typically have either a flight response (wanting to run away) or a freeze response. Fighters rarely develop the fawn response. I recently created videos and blogs about calming the fight-flight-freeze response that might be useful for you.

Deeper Work (Components 7-9)

# 7. Recognize your negative core beliefs

Identify what beliefs developed when you were young that led you to fawn, and what beliefs developed as a result of fawning.

A common belief for people who fawn is "my needs don't matter," or even " I don't matter." Other common beliefs include "I'm not good enough," or "I'm powerless." A general feeling of being in danger is also common.

Identifying these negative core beliefs and beginning to use tools to rewire them is extremely helpful. [I have a free PDF that helps you identify these beliefs and learn tools to rewire them. You can find it by clicking here ].

# 8. Learn to recognize and separate from limiting thoughts

Notice when your behavior is driven by your negative core beliefs, whether you're fawning or not. You might operate from these beliefs almost all the time, even when not actively people-pleasing.

Begin to separate yourself from these thoughts.

Not all of our thoughts are true. Not all of our beliefs are true. We can "diffuse" from our thoughts by using our observer mind: "Interesting, I'm thinking that again, but I know it isn't necessarily true."

A helpful technique is to "practice as if."

If you feel like your needs don't matter, pretend that they do matter. Ask yourself, "What would I do right now if my needs mattered?" You can practice this approach in small ways. Your behavior, even if it is coming from a place of pretense, will actually begin to rewire these beliefs.

# 9. Establish healthy boundaries

I've placed this component last because establishing healthy boundaries isn't simply about saying "no."

(Sometimes saying no is a healthy boundary, but sometimes it's not—and boundaries encompass much more than that).

Healthy boundaries require a deep understanding of yourself and your values, and an understanding of where you end and others begin. To truly understand healthy boundaries requires deep inner work.

The other components we've discussed, particularly emotional regulation, are prerequisites for establishing boundaries. Until you develop a certain level of emotional regulation, it's nearly impossible to implement healthy boundaries. When your amygdala is firing with the fight-flight-freeze response, your response is automatic and happening too quickly for your rational brain to intervene.

Your rational mind might know "I should be saying no right now" or "I should leave this conversation," but the panic response has already set in, and your brain is focused solely on keeping the relationship intact and staying safe by avoiding conflict.

This is why healthy boundaries aren't just about learning more information. You've probably read extensively about boundaries and have cognitive awareness of what healthy boundaries might look like. Then you get frustrated when you can't implement them because no one talks about the fact that boundary-setting starts with emotional regulation.

Healthy boundaries also require healing negative core beliefs and knowing (even if you don't yet feel it ) that you can be safe without maintaining a toxic relationship, you can be safe even when there's conflict.

A Structured Approach to Healing

In my boundary program , I've designed an approach which walks you through the CORE components of healing and establishing helthy boundaries. The program helps you:

develop the emotional regulation you need to begin to set boundaries
identify and heal the negative core beliefs that are driving unhealthy boundaries
learn assertive communication (as opposed to passive or aggressive)
understand how to set boundaries and consequences
and begin to do so!

(For more info on the boundary program, click here)

Learning assertive communication is essential because people with fawn patterns often use passive communication. Assertive communication represents the middle ground between passive and aggressive communication. It embodies the principle "I'm okay, you're okay."

Many people who fawn misinterpret assertive communication as aggressive, and since they don't want to be like their aggressive abuser, they default to passive communication. But there is a healthy middle ground.

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts and questions—please comment below. I truly hope this is helpful, and I'll see you next week.

The Fawn Response Explained

Thu, 20 Mar 2025 16:31:00 GMT

Do you find yourself putting everyone else's needs before your own?

Understanding the Fawn Response: When People-Pleasing Becomes a Survival Strategy

Do you find yourself almost automatically becoming subservient to others? If yes, you might have the fawn response.

What is the Fawn Response?

The fawn response is a people-pleasing behavior where you prioritize other people's needs over your own, often at significant self-sacrifice. You might even prioritize their wants over your own needs. This happens so automatically that you're not even aware you're doing it until you're well into it.

The fawn response can be driven by:

- A real fear of conflict

- A desire to avoid any disapproval

- A desire to stay in relationship rather than take care of yourself

The Childhood Origins of Fawning

The fawn response usually develops in childhood when your caregivers are either neglectful or abusive. As a child, you are dependent on your caregivers to take care of you, so it is a real survival need to stay connected to them.

If you learn young that in order to stay connected, you have to squash your own needs, definitely squash your own desires and wants, and prioritize the other person's needs, wants, and probably emotions, then you learn this habit of fawning or people-pleasing in order to survive. The degree to which it's ingrained in your old brain is very, very strong. When things are embedded as a survival response, they can automatically dictate behavior for a long time until we learn how to change it.

Complex Trauma and the Fawn Response

The fawn response is most often related to complex childhood trauma where the traumatic events or the absence of connection are ongoing. Not necessarily a one-time trauma, but rather an ongoing theme and atmosphere of childhood.

In these situations, it's actually very adaptive for the child to learn to please — even excessively please and appease the caregiver. It's adaptive because it is needed for their survival.

Understanding Fawning Behavior

If you would like to understand your own fawning behavior, or if you are trying to understand somebody else who has habitual fawning behavior, it's important to recognize that fawning developed as a survival response to stay in relationship.

You'll see people talk about the fawn response and say things like "people who fawn try to create safety by staying in relationship" or that "they seek safety by merging with the other person's needs, desires, etc." While this is kind of true, I don't think that's phrased in a way that really resonates with the feeling of fawn behavior.

The real thing is that fawning developed when the safest choice was to stay in relationship, even if it was with somebody abusive. As a child, that was unfortunately the safest choice. So that urgency, that drive to fawn, that drive to people-please, feels like a total necessity.

The habitual pattern remains even when it is no longer a necessity. For most of us as adults, we need relationships to be happy and healthy, but the urgency to sacrifice your own values and needs is no longer required. If you're in a relationship that requires that, you probably don't need to maintain that relationship. This isn't easy, but it's important to begin to think about how that survival response is not needed today.

Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn

You'll often see fawn talked about as a fourth "F" alongside fight, flight, and freeze. I actually think it's different, and this section explains why.

The fight-flight-freeze response is part of our reptilian brain. It is not about relationship. It doesn't tie into language centers. It's an automatic quick response to flee, fight, or freeze in the face of immediate danger.

People with the fawn response probably developed it from a freeze or a flight response. Most people with the fawn response are either "flee-ers" or "freezers," but the fawning actually utilizes higher-level cognition areas of the brain. It also utilizes the part of our autonomic nervous system which is about relationship and connection, which are not utilized by the amygdala.

Similar to the fight, flight, and freeze responses, fawning behaviors can be adaptive in certain situations. The problem with all four of these responses is when they are automatically applied in situations that don't require them.

If you are faced with immediate life-threatening danger and you can't flee and you can't fight, freeze can be the most adaptive response. Similarly, if you're in a situation where fawning will get you out of it, that can be the most adaptive choice.

Any one of these responses, if applied in a situation where it makes sense, can actually be helpful. What you don't want is an automatic response of fawning in situations where it's not needed — just as you wouldn't want an automatic response of freezing at a work meeting or starting a fist fight at work (an excessive fight response).

Breaking Free from the Fawn Response

So knowing that your fawn response developed to keep you in relationship and to keep you safe when you were a child helps you understand how this became ingrained as a habitual pattern, and helps you have more self-compassion. If it now feels automatic ain your relationships, you can understand that you are prioritizing connection and fearing any disconnection. This leads you to understand that you are fearing any conflict, and it begins to give you the ability to CHOOSE. As you begin to see this more clearly, and see where it came from, you can make a choose in the present day about whether or not you really want to sacrifice your relationship with yourself to maintain a relationship with the other. Healing is beginning to move these habits into the part of your brain where you can assess your choice.

Characteristics of People with a Habitual Fawn Response

People who have developed a habitual fawn response generally fear conflict and are very afraid of using any language that might be seen as aggressive.

When children grow up in a household with an abuser who uses very aggressive language, there might be one child who ends up mimicking that and that is the role they develop. And then the other child or the other children will avoid being in that role at all costs. They do not want to do anything that would make them seem like they were the abuser.

And then to add to that, being aggressive in an environment with somebody who is aggressively abusive puts you in more danger usually.

But a key here is that communication can be assertive, not passive and not aggressive. And finding that middle ground can be difficult, but it can be VERY helpful for someone with a habit of fawning.

Developing Assertive Communication

Assertive language is based on the principle: "I am okay, you are okay."

Passive is "You are okay, but I am not."

Aggressive is "I am okay and you are not."

If you keep that in mind, assertive language could be, "You do you, but I do not want to be around for it." This hints at some of the behaviors that will be developed as you heal, and those behaviors actually help you heal .

There is an effect where change in behavior impacts how we feel, and how we feel impacts our behavior. Changing some of these behaviors will improve your self-esteem, which will make it easier to change behaviors.

(I am going to talk about this more in my blog next week, so check back in!).

Also, my online boundary program (click here for more info) has an entire section on assertive language. It provides examples and concepts so you can begin to utilize assertive language to take care of yourself and develop healthy boundaries.

The Path to Healing

Before you can improve boundaries, or change your fawning behaviors, you need to have strong emotional regulation tools. These are required to calm that fight, flight, freeze response, and thereby calm the fawning response. They also help strengthen the observer part of the brain which can help you analyze whether self-sacrifice is really needed or not.

Any questions, let me know. I look forward to seeing you next week.

All Anxiety is an Amygdala Hijack

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 05 Mar 2025 16:06:23 GMT

Is your anxiety controlling your life, ruining your happiness, and maybe even impacting your health?

Well, your anxiety is not all in your head. It's actually a nervous system hijack, and understanding this can really help you on your path to recovery.

The Problem with the Amygdala's Alarm System

You probably know that the amygdala is the part of your brain that is always scanning the horizon for danger. This part of the brain is designed to keep you safe. The problem is that your amygdala can't tell the difference between:

• A saber tooth tiger actually attacking you and the thought of a saber tooth tiger attacking you

• An immediate here-and-now survival threat and an imagined threat

• A genuine survival threat and something very stressful that isn't threatening your physical survival

The amygdala hijack is when your amygdala yells "fire, fire, fire!" when there is no fire. There might be a problem—a fight with a loved one, the threat of not being able to pay your rent, or other serious concerns—but they are not immediate, physical dangers requiring emergency action.

When we are in immediate danger, like a fire, we run. That's what the amygdala does for us. It immediately communicates to the hypothalamus, which signals the pituitary glands and the adrenals, giving instructions to your autonomic nervous system to fight, flee, or freeze. All of this happens before you've really been able to consciously assess the situation.

And then your amygdala also co-opts your frontal lobe, and gets the frontal lobe to believe the threat is real. So, your frontal lobe, the part of your brain that can do planning, gets caught in a cycle of trying to fight a threat that can not be fought.

Anxiety vs. Productive Worry

In many of my videos and blogs, I talk about how anxiety is essentially unproductive worry. It's worrying about something we can't do anything about right now, either because it's not happening yet or because it's something outside our control.

Productive worry, on the other hand, leads to action. There are steps we can take using both our reason and emotion in a balanced way to respond to a difficult situation. We want to be responsive, not reactive. The amygdala is reactive—it reacts immediately, and it gets your full brain to react to the perceived threat while also scanning the entire horizon for any possible future threat.

Anxiety Disorders as Ongoing Amygdala Hijacks

All anxiety disorders are driven by this dynamic. They represent an amygdala hijack that's not just a temporary event but an ongoing state of being. Modern stressors feel like survival threats to that primitive part of your brain.

If your anxiety manifests somatically (physically), you'll experience persistent physical symptoms accompanied by thoughts like, "Why am I having these physical symptoms? Is there something wrong with me? Is there a health problem I'm missing?"

And to answer the question of “why am I having these physical symptoms,” your frontal lobe doesn’t say, “I’m having these symptoms because my amygdala is over-reacting.” Instead, it anxiously looks for the reason in either your health or the external environment.

However, once you understand that you've been hijacked, your frontal lobe can contribute the correct answer!

For people who experience anxiety primarily cognitively (through thoughts), you might find yourself ruminating or catastrophizing—imagining worst-case scenarios for situations. This too is driven by that primitive fear response.

Fear Conditioning

The amygdala works based on fear conditioning.

If you've had an experience in the past which actually was dangerous, frightening, or deeply upsetting, your brain makes very specific links. This experience had particular components—maybe certain types of people, specific environments, or distinctive situations—and your brain encodes these specific aspects via the hippocampus.

The hippocampus is the part of the brain that encodes very emotional memories, particularly intense ones, and makes associations between specific types of situations and the emotions you felt.

Your amygdala is closely linked with your hippocampus. So, whenever you encounter anything similar to the patterns encoded in your hippocampus, your hippocampus recognizes this and signals your amygdala, triggering an automatic fear response.

As a result, whenever you encounter people, places, situations, or even sounds or smells that match those encoded patterns, you'll automatically feel that fear response. The emotional memory has no understanding of time or context—it simply recognizes a pattern from the past and responds accordingly.

Real-Life Examples of Conditioned Fear

Many of the people I've worked with who fear public speaking had a mortifying experience during their school years, often around middle school. The link between public speaking and that eighth-grade embarrassment becomes so deeply embedded that every time they need to speak publicly, the fear response automatically activates.

Childhood trauma operates similarly. If you were endangered by an authority figure as a child, you may find yourself afraid of authority figures throughout your life.

These associations drive much of our seemingly disproportionate anxiety.

How This Understanding Helps You

Thinking of your anxiety as an amygdala hijack or nervous system hijack can help you in several ways. As mentioned above, it provides your frontal lobe with the correct information with which to interpret the fear signals. This may not happen immediately, but if you practice with some of the tools listed below, your ability to bring this knowledge in will increase dramatically.

In addition, the following two suggestions can dramatically lower your anxiety over time.

1) Balance Your Nervous System

Consider your nervous system as a balance between two key components:

1. Your sympathetic nervous system, which activates you and gets you going in the morning

2. Your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you relax and sleep

We function best when these systems are in balance. Yet most of us operate with our sympathetic nervous system in overdrive, making it difficult to relax or sleep. It's constant "go, go, go" and "think, do, do."

To counter this, intentionally incorporate activities that strengthen your parasympathetic response:

Hugging a loved one
Listening to calming music
Taking a bath
Any activity that helps you access internal feelings of calm

The goal is to increase the amount of time your parasympathetic nervous system is active even while you're awake—not just when you're sleeping.

2) Rewire Your Brain

The next step is addressing those conditioned associations, which requires rewiring your brain and developing new neural pathways. I discuss this in detail in my free webinar, which could be extremely helpful for you. Click here to register .

Therapeutic approaches can definitely help:

EMDR therapy is particularly effective for many people with trauma and anxiety
Exposure therapy effectively extinguishes conditioned responses, though it can be challenging because it temporarily increases anxiety,
Somatic therapies focus on the body's response patterns, helping you learn to strengthen the parasympathetic nervous system

Separating Problems from Anxiety Responses

I'd love to hear if this perspective resonates with you. If it does – I have a question for you: how would you explain this concept to someone else?

I’m asking because whenever I put out a video that explains that anxiety makes your body respond as if facing an immediate survival threat when the problem doesn’t require it, I will receive questions such as:

· "But what about this health problem? These issues could be threatening!"

· “But if I lose my job, it does threaten my survival!”

And yes, these are serious concerns. But they don’t require adrenaline and cortisol coursing through your system right now. In fact, they require a completely different part of your brain – the part that is involved with planning, resourcefulness, creative problem-solving and methodical steps forward.

Many situations in life pose real challenges and potential threats. We're human and vulnerable.

However, there's a crucial distinction between:

1. Having a genuine problem that requires attention and planning

2. Having your body flooded with emergency stress hormones that actually impair your ability to address the problem

The key to recovering from anxiety is separating the problem itself from your body's physical stress response. Unless you're in immediate physical danger requiring you to run, fight, or freeze, this stress response is unnecessary. Moreover, it's physically harmful and impairs your brain's problem-solving abilities.

If you enjoyed this blog, please share with someone who might benefit! You might enjoy these blogs: Amygdala Hijack Explained and How to Calm an Amygdala Hijack .

How to Calm An Amygdala Hijack

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 26 Feb 2025 16:01:58 GMT

7 Steps to Help Manage an Amygdala Hijack

The Amygdala Hijack: An "Excessive" Response to a Situation

Your amygdala is actually designed to take over your muscles, your frontal lobe, your hormonal output, your entire nervous system, and you want that to happen in the face of immediate danger.

The problem is that your amygdala can't differentiate between an immediate extreme survival threat (like a saber-tooth tiger attacking you right here in this moment) and something that feels very stressful. A difficult work situation, a boss yelling at you, a fight with your partner, giving a public speech - your amygdala, if it is tuned to go, is going to react to all of those things with the same impulses that it will react to a survival threat. This reaction is called an amygdala hijack. (And for last week's blog on Amygdala Hijack Explained, click here ).

An amygdala hijack is an overwhelming response to a stressful situation, but the response is in excess of what's actually needed. The hijack happens when the stressor causing it is not actually a life-threatening danger. It also happens when you're imagining a future life-threatening danger because your amygdala can't differentiate between what's actually happening and what you're imagining. Your amygdala reacts the same to something that's very far in the future to something happening now, because it has no sense of time.

This article will help you learn how to manage these amygdala hijacks. They will happen, but the more you can be prepared for them, and the more you understand yourself, the more able you will be to calm that reaction. You'll be more able to keep your frontal lobe online, operating correctly, which will help you respond to stressful situations, rather than react.

Important Things to Know About the Amygdala Hijack

Before we dive into management techniques, here are some important points about the amygdala hijack that relate to how you'll learn to manage it:

Different Responses, Same Mechanism

Remember that the amygdala hijack can happen with a fight, flight, or freeze response. We hear a lot of examples of the amygdala hijack when it is a fight response: for example, somebody going into a rage and beating somebody up. But it can also happen with the flight response and the freeze response. It happens with whichever is your "go-to" stress response.

Your Thinking Brain Does NOT Shut Down

The amygdala hijack doesn't actually shut down your frontal lobe. It co-opts it. It brings the frontal lobe into the service of the survival impulse.

It's NOT Your Emotions Taking Over

The amygdala hijack is not your emotions taking over - it's your reactivity . Our emotions can be a wonderful wealth of information. Our emotions help us make good decisions. They help us feel joy. They help us choose what we want, know what we want. So this is not about those emotions being horrible and we need to be totally rational. This is about a reactivity that is based in your biology, a survival response which is useful when needed but NOT useful when NOT needed!

The Critical Role of the Hippocampus

The last piece to keep in mind here: your amygdala is very closely linked with another part of the brain, which is your hippocampus. Your hippocampus is about memory and emotion.

The hippocampus focuses on emotional memories, in particular intense emotional memories, and it makes associations between situations and the emotions you felt, and it links those very closely.

Then, going forward, if it recognizes any similar situations, associations, or patterns, it communicates an anticipation of that emotion to your amygdala.

Understanding the connection that these brain regions have made between situations and emotions, given your personal history, is the key to learning how to manage the amygdala hijack. It is the key to why you get hijacked - that conditioned response in your brain.

Eight Steps to Calming an Amygdala Hijack

#1. Recognize the Signs and Symptoms

The first step in calming down that amygdala hijack is to recognize the signs and symptoms of the hijack. These can vary person to person, but generally include:

- An overwhelming rush of emotion and physical symptoms (anger, fear, panic)

- An intense, immediate emotional response to something

- Feeling totally overwhelmed, unable to cope

- Physical symptoms like a racing heart and shallow breathing

- A feeling that you can't move your muscles or feeling like you have to move your muscles

- Difficulty thinking clearly or speaking clearly

- An inability to focus on anything other than what you feel at that moment is a threat

People who go into rages will talk about "seeing red" - just like all of a sudden, whoosh, they just see red.

What you want to do in recognizing these symptoms (and I understand this is not the easiest) is to pull in your "observer brain" whenever you notice these symptoms. You can realize, "Okay, these are the symptoms of that fight, flight, freeze response," and then do whatever you can to breathe more calmly and be more present.

Both for myself and in working with people over 20 years as a therapist, it became obvious that as you begin to pay more and more attention to these symptoms, you'll be able to "back up" so you can see them before they get totally overwhelming. So the earlier you can catch some of these symptoms, the better.

2. Take a Pause

Take a pause the second you feel an overwhelming rush of emotion. Take a deep breath, take a moment, take a pause.

I used to run an agency and we had programs in the elementary schools for little kids, and we used the theme of "Stop, take five, and think."

Even a very brief pause will help.

3. Know Your Patterns

Step three is to know your patterns. This means understanding not just the symptoms of the amygdala hijack, but also the patterns that you have. What situations tend to cause anxiety? What situations tend to cause you to go into a rage or to freeze?

Understanding your history helps you understand what's encoded in your hippocampus. The situations and emotional responses that are encoded are what is triggering your amygdala to panic. When you understand the situations that tend to trigger you, you can start step number four earlier than otherwise.

4. Engage Your Prefrontal Cortex Early

If you know your patterns and you know that, say, giving a speech makes you panic, most likely what is happening now is that prior to a speech, your mind is going, "Oh no, oh no, it's coming." Your amygdala is already activated well before you have to get up on that stage and give that speech, so you're actually hijacked long before you're actually aware of it.

This happens with panic attacks too. People will say they hit out of the blue, but once they begon to do therapy, they'll realize that even before the panic attack hits, they are anticipating that one might happen and therefore becoming anxious already.

Let's say you have had a panic attack in a car while driving. Before you next get in the car, you'll be thinking, "Oh no, am I going to have a panic attack?" You are already engaging that hippocampus and amygdala to begin that process of pumping out your stress chemicals.

So if you know this, you can actually do the opposite. Worrying about giving that speech ahead of time is not going to help. You can actually do some of the regulatory techniques, some of the emotionally regulating techniques, to calm down prior to going. So instead of the "Oh no" that's coming, you can think, "Okay, well I don't like giving speeches, I don't like seeing those people, I don't like being in the car, but right now none of that is happening and I can remain regulated prior to that time."

This will really, really help you. It may not sound like it's going to help you, but it will help. The anticipation won't be ramping up your anxiety based on a possible future threat. Remember, your amygdala can't differentiate between the current threat and the future imagined threat.

So to summarize step four: engage your prefrontal cortex before you enter a situation that might be triggering.

5. Use Grounding Techniques

Step five: grounding techniques. These are so helpful, and practicing these regularly - not when you're in the middle of an amygdala hijack, not when you are in the middle of a situation that's stressful - practicing them regularly is what is eventually going to rewire and retrain your brain and help you stay more present.

Grounding techniques can be things like stomping your feet, being aware of all your senses, paying attention to what you're hearing, what you're seeing, really being present, grounding into your body. (I have a video on grounding techniques - you can click here to see it - and there are many other videos out there - I highly recommend them).

Remember, the amygdala hijack is happening before rational thought. Your amygdala moves at lightning speed to create these survival responses, so they are reflected in your body before you are even aware of it. So the body-based techniques, from the body up rather than from the head down, are really going to help.

6. Practice Mindfulness

Practicing some type of mindfulness every day is important. An example could be a mindfulness exercise while you wash the dishes. See if you can really focus on the feeling of the water, the soap - if it's warm water, it probably feels good. Focus on what you are doing, ather than worrying about what else you have to do and rushing through it. When you do this, your mind and body are not aligned. Your mind is "over there" and your body is here and not wanting to be here. That's how most of us do dishes or vacuum or a lot of these basic tasks in life. So, see if you can be really present.

We are happiest when we align our bodies with our minds so that we are present, here in this moment with what is actually happening right now. We are happiest and we can be more emotionally regulated.

7. Use Positive Visualization

Use your imagination to generate calm, peaceful feelings.

The same way imagination triggers stress chemicals when you imagine horrible things happening in the future, when you imagine something nice and pleasant, you are triggering the opposite.

Sometimes people call this a "safe place exercise." I find that term really can trigger people. So in the webinar that I have, I talk about the "beautiful place exercise." This exercise is to imagine being in a beautiful place, (really imagine it with all the bells and whistles, the sights, the sounds, the smells, everything about it) and you will be releasing the chemicals that will help you calm down. (For the free webinar, you can click here to register) .

This is something to practice on a regular basis, not just in the middle of an amygdala hijack. In fact, I think it's probably impossible to use the imagination of a beautiful place in the middle of an amygdala hijack.

But if you can even remember it, if you can even remember that there is such a thing, and also remember that your body is responding with chemicals it does not need, that will bring your prefrontal cortex online. It will help you calm yourself physically, emotionally and cognitively.

8. Rewire Your Associations

Use your imagination to begin to rewire the associations created by your hippocampus. Let me give you some examples.

Let's say you have a very deeply embedded fear of authority figures from when you were a kid. Not uncommon. So now when you are with your boss, you are having an overblown reaction to criticisms and you go into a regular amygdala hijack in situations where there's any kind of work conflict.

You can use your imagination - and if you can do this with another person, wonderful, but you can also do it by yourself - to think through what you could say and then practice actually saying it. So you can imagine that your boss is upset with you, and imagine what they are saying. As you do this, initially your body will respond to what you are imagining with stress chemicals. Attempt to keep your body calm as you imagine this (by breathing or alternating grounding with the imaginary work). As you practice this, you will eventually be able to picture your boss being mad without generating stress chemicals. You can also picture, and then practice, your response. See yourself verbalizing the response you would like to have in that moment while remaining calm.

What you're doing is you're giving your body and brain different experiences in connection to an association that you have an ingrained fear response to. I'm hoping this makes sense. I could go into a lot more detail on this, but I just want you to get the basic concept that your fear responses were ingrained in connection to certain situations, patterns, sometimes even sounds or smells, from the past. Reconditioning yourself, rewiring those associations by practice and by staying calm can be very effective. Exposure therapy and EMDR therapy utilize this neurobiological response to help clients change their associations.

Some Final Thoughts

Self-Compassion Is Key

Self-compassion is extremely helpful. Do your best - I know it's hard for a lot of people to do this work.

Your capacity for calming your amygdala can be developed, but it will take time. Avoid criticizing yourself for having these responses. Know that they are normal. You're actually wired that way, and you're learning and you're trying.

Consider Professional Help

Then of course, professional help can be super, super helpful, particularly if you have had a lot of stress or a lot of trauma in your life. A lot of what I talked about today is about rewiring your nervous system, your autonomic nervous system, and the connections it makes to situations that don't require that response. (And I no longer provide 1:1 therapy or coaching, just as an FYI. Some resources that might help if you'd like to pursue this:
Videos on EMDR therapy , including one on Find an EMDR therapist .
VirtualEMDR : an online program to assist Self-Administered EMDR (and here's a video on Self-Administered EMDR )
Betterhelp online therapy (and there are other online therapy providers).

Looking Forward

Let me know if this all made sense. Let me know if you have questions. You can comment below or in the YouTube comments . Remember that by understanding the amygdala hijack and how your brain works, and by regularly practicing these techniques, you can gradually gain more control over your emotional responses and improve your overall well-being.

If you found this blog helpful, you might enjoy reading: All Anxiety is an Amygdala Hijack .

Amygdala Hijack Explained

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 19 Feb 2025 17:23:18 GMT

Have you ever experienced an emotional reaction so intense that it completely overtakes your thoughts and feelings?

Understanding the Amygdala Hijack

These overwhelming moments—when you say or do things you later regret, or fail to speak or act when you should—are examples of what psychologists call an "amygdala hijack." This term describes when the fear center of your brain, responsible for your fight-flight-freeze response, commandeers your entire thought process, emotions, and behaviors.

This universal experience affects everyone at some point. Understanding the process can significantly help reduce your emotional reactivity.

In this article, I'll explain what an amygdala hijack is, why it happens, and how recognizing it can benefit you. Check in next week for a blog that will cover specific management techniques to help calm the amygdala hijack.

The Evolutionary Origins of Amygdala Response

From an evolutionary perspective, the amygdala is among the most ancient structures in our brain—one we share with most living creatures. Its primary function is triggering rapid responses to potential physical dangers, often before our conscious mind even processes the threat.

Consider this relatable scenario: you're walking along a path when something catches your peripheral vision that resembles a snake. Before you consciously identify the object, you've already jumped away—your autonomic nervous system responding instantaneously. Even after realizing it was merely a stick, residual activation keeps you on edge for several minutes. This quick response mechanism evolved to keep us safe from genuine threats where split-second reactions determined survival.

The sequence illustrates a fundamental aspect of our neurobiology: when we detect potential danger, our body reacts before the information reaches our frontal lobe for higher-level processing. In situations involving actual threats (like venomous snakes), this rapid response system is invaluable. The problem arises when this same system activates in modern contexts where immediate physical danger isn't present.

Here's where things get complicated for us modern humans: our amygdala cannot distinguish between physical threats (like predators) and psychological or social threats like criticism, rejection, or public speaking. Your brain processes a harsh comment from your boss, an argument with your spouse, or a challenging presentation with almost the same urgency as a tiger attack.

This evolutionary mismatch means our amygdala activates our emergency response system for situations that, while uncomfortable, don't actually endanger our physical survival. The amygdala's is designed to have this impact:

- Narrowing your focus to the perceived threat

- Flooding your system with adrenaline and stress hormones

- Directing blood flow toward large muscle groups

- Preparing you to fight, flee, or freeze

These responses, while lifesaving in true emergencies, can be counterproductive in everyday social interactions where thoughtful, measured responses would serve us better.

Recognizing Amygdala Hijack in Daily Life

Consider a workplace scenario: during a team meeting, a colleague criticizes your project. Although this situation requires careful listening and constructive engagement, your amygdala might interpret it as a threat. Suddenly, you find yourself flooded with stress hormones, your heart is racing and your thoughts are scattered. Instead of responding thoughtfully, you might:

> Lash out defensively (fight)

> Withdraw and avoid engaging (flight)

> Become paralyzed, unable to formulate a response (freeze)

Similarly, in a fight with a loved one, defensive or angry reactions can escalate the situation. The amygdala can hijack the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for planning, risk assessment, and logical decision-making. In this state, even if you sound rational, your words may be cutting and unproductive. The amygdala can also shut down the part of the brain responsible for compassion and connection, leading to a lack of empathy. Once hijacked, rational communication becomes nearly impossible. If you're prone to freezing, you might become silent and unresponsive. If fighting is your default, you might make hurtful statements you'll regret later. If fleeing is your pattern, you might leave the discussion entirely, potentially worsening the situation if your partner is sensitive to abandonment.

The Neural Mechanics: How Hijack Affects Your Brain

During an amygdala hijack, your prefrontal cortex—responsible for planning, risk assessment, future thinking, and logical decision-making—becomes subordinated to your threat response system. Your cognitive abilities often remain active but serve only the amygdala's protective agenda rather than your long-term interests.

This explains why highly articulate individuals can sound remarkably rational during emotional arguments while actually making relationship-damaging statements. The prefrontal cortex provides the linguistic capabilities and logical structure, but the content and emotional tone derive from the amygdala's defensive positioning.

Importantly, amygdala hijack also suppresses brain regions associated with empathy and interpersonal connection. This explains why we lose our sense of relationship during heated conflicts—the neural circuitry for compassion becomes temporarily inaccessible. I often compare this state to reptilian responses: focused entirely on survival without the mammalian capacity for connection and nurturing. This loss of compassoin explains why amygdala hijacks can so severely damage our closest relationships.

Beyond "Fight": Hijacks Can include Freeze and Flight Responses

While discussions of amygdala hijacks often focus on aggressive outbursts (the fight response), it's crucial to recognize that freeze and flight responses also occur. Whether you become verbally aggressive, mentally check out of a conversation, or physically leave a difficult situation, the underlying mechanism is identical: your amygdala has taken control.

Understanding your typical pattern—fight, flight or freeze—provides valuable self-knowledge for managing emotional reactivity. Each pattern creates different relational challenges and requires specific interventions to address effectively.

The Role of Personal History in Amygdala Triggers

Through my twenty years as a psychotherapist and my personal journey, I've observed that most people develop very specific triggers based on their life experiences, particularly early childhood events. These triggers create emotional templates that get activated in seemingly unrelated situations.

For example, if you grew up with unpredictable or harsh authority figures, you might experience disproportionate anxiety or defensiveness with bosses, teachers, or other authority figures. Your emotional brain recognizes a pattern similarity

"authority figure = danger"

without accounting for the vast differences between your childhood circumstances and your current reality.

What makes these triggers so powerful is that emotional memory doesn't incorporate a sense of time or context. The emotional brain operates on pattern recognition, not logical analysis. It essentially says, "I've seen this pattern before, and it ended badly. I need to protect myself NOW!"

Relationships and Survival Response

Humans are fundamentally social creatures, wired to prioritize connection. Throughout our evolutionary history, belonging to a group significantly improved survival chances. Consequently, our brains process threats to important relationships as survival threats, even though they don't threaten immediate physical harm.

This explains why relationship conflicts can trigger such extreme reactions. When we perceive our connection with a loved one as threatened, our brain categorizes this as a survival emergency. The resulting amygdala hijack can make reasonable communication nearly impossible, creating a destructive cycle where both partners experience heightened threat responses.

This dynamic often intensifies with commitment level. Many couples notice that conflicts become more emotionally charged after marriage or similar commitment milestones. What previously might have been a manageable disagreement now feels catastrophic because the relationship itself represents security and survival.

Understanding and Managing Amygdala Hijacks

The term "amygdala hijack" was coined by Daniel Goleman in his influential book " Emotional Intelligence " to describe this universal human experience. The concept helps explain why smart, well-intentioned people sometimes behave in ways that undermine their relationships and objectives.

Learning to manage these responses—by recognizing triggers, calming physiological reactions, and developing self-regulation skills—forms a cornerstone of emotional intelligence. Understanding that our brains evolved with a negativity bias and automatic survival responses helps reduce self-judgment while motivating us to develop more adaptive patterns.

Our individual neurological wiring significantly reflects early conditioning experiences, but thanks to neuroplasticity, we can reshape these patterns. Through consistent practice with evidence-based techniques, we can actually rewire our emotional responses and reduce the frequency and intensity of amygdala hijacks. This capacity for neurological change underlies all effective emotional regulation approaches.

My free webinar, Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence , explains how our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions are wired together through repetition and provides hope and practical tools for how to re-wire our brains through altering our thoughts and behaviors.

Moving Forward: Increasing Awareness and Control

Recognizing when an amygdala hijack occurs marks an essential first step toward managing this response. In my next article, I'll explore specific techniques for:

1. Identifying personal triggers before they activate

2. Reducing physiological arousal during emotional reactions

3. Reconnecting with the rational brain during stressful situations

4. Rewiring emotional responses through consistent practice

5. Building resilience to prevent future hijacks

The goal isn't eliminating emotional responses—they provide valuable information and motivation. Rather, the objective is developing sufficient awareness and self-regulation skills to prevent automatic reactions from overtaking rational choices and damaging important relationships.

Conclusion: The Path to Emotional Regulation

The amygdala hijack represents a normal neural process that evolved to protect us from physical dangers. In contemporary life, however, this same response often creates more problems than it solves. By understanding the neurobiological basis of emotional reactivity, we can approach our triggered moments with greater compassion and implement effective strategies for regaining control.

Remember that emotional regulation is a skill developed through practice. With consistent effort and appropriate techniques, you can significantly reduce the frequency and intensity of amygdala hijacks, leading to improved relationships, better decision-making, and greater overall well-being.

If you found this blog helpful, you might enjoy reading these: How to Calm an Amygdala Hijack and All Anxiety is An Amygdala Hijack .

7 Signs You Are In Chronic Freeze

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 11 Feb 2025 20:43:01 GMT

Are You Stuck in a Chronic Freeze State?

Are you wondering if you're stuck in a chronic freeze state?

If you are, it can be a very painful place to be.

The good news is that you can recover from a chronic freeze mode, and recognizing it is the first step toward change.

The freeze state is one of our three protective survival mechanisms—fight, flight, and freeze. Each of these survival mechanisms can be helpful in some situations.

However, most of us develop a habitual stress response that we apply to the majority of stressful situations in our lives. We either fight, flee, or freeze much of the time.

And if we're fleeing, fighting, or freezing in a situation that doesn't require it, it can create significant problems.

Let's explore the seven key signs that might indicate you're experiencing a chronic freeze state:

#1. Your Mind Goes Blank During Conflict

One of the most common signs of a chronic freeze state is that your mind goes blank during conflict or very stressful situations. Just prior to the freeze, you might have all sorts of things you want to say but suddenly—boom!—your mind is just blank.

While this can happen to anyone occasionally in specific situations, it becomes problematic when it occurs frequently.

#2. Feeling Numb

Number two sign is that you frequently, if not always, feel numb.

People will say “I know I have feelings, but I don't feel them. I feel nothing most of the time.”

This numbness isn't just in your head—when we're in a freeze state, our bodies can flood us with internal opiates that literally numb us out. (I talk more about this in last week’s blog and video ).

When this becomes chronic, you might feel like you're drifting through life, feeling nothing and connecting to nothing.

#3. Inability to Protect Yourself

This is one of the most concerning aspects of the freeze response, and it's important to understand its origins. Generally, the freeze response develops in situations where it's appropriate—when you're in physical danger but cannot fight back or flee. It's easy to imagine a child in this situation, where freezing is actually the most adaptive response available.

However, if this becomes your habitual response and stays with you through life when you're no longer powerless, it can create real problems.

#4. Feeling Like an Observer of Your Life

You might feel like you're watching life from the outside—observing your thoughts and feelings rather than experiencing them directly. This is called depersonalization, and while it can be its own diagnosis (Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder), it can also appear as a symptom of other mental health conditions.

Some people describe that they feel like a robot, just going through the motions. Or they feel so detached that they don't even have a sense of self.

#5. The World Feels Unreal

The fifth sign is that the outside world somehow feels unreal. You feel detached from it. It feels fuzzy, foggy.

You might experience it as if there's a wall separating you from the rest of existence and from other people, even those you love.

This intense detachment is derealization, and can be part of the Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder.

However, you don't need to have the disorder to sometimes get this feeling of derealization.

Understanding the Link Between Dissociation and Chronic Freeze

Before moving on to the final signs that you are in a chronic freeze state, it's important to talk about the concept of chronic freeze as a dissociative experience.

Dissociation is integral to the chronic freeze state.

If we go back to the freeze state being a survival mechanism, this makes a lot of sense. If in order to survive when you can't flee or fight back, you have to freeze. Animals will "play dead" in this situation, hoping the predator loses interest. In this state, you also have internal opiates numbing you out to the experience, which can be protective in severe danger.

So it is, in essence, a dissociative experience.

Again, it's when it becomes chronic or habitual, becomes your go-to mode in dealing with stressful events, that is when it becomes very problematic.

But...don't worry! There is hope to change this. There are ways to do it.

#6. Excessive Daydreaming

Sometimes called maladaptive daydreaming, this involves going into dream-like states during the day. The daydreams numb you out to reality.

While these daydreams can feel pleasant in the moment —they usually are not nightmares—, the aftermath involves frustration and disappointment. You "wake up" to find nothing has been accomplished and the daydream isn't real.

In working with people over twenty years, I found that the symptom of maladaptive daydreaming is more rare than the other signs and symptoms of the chronic freeze state. However, it is well linked to dissociation and chronic freeze.

#7. Paralyzed by Fear in Non-Threatening Situations

This final sign involves feeling totally frozen in situations that don't necessarily warrant such a. response.

While being paralyzed by fear might have been appropriate during past trauma or danger, experiencing this response during everyday stressful situations—like work presentations or relationship conflicts—can be incredibly disruptive.

I also want to note here that many people have nightmares where they're frozen in fear and they can't move. They feel the "tonic immobility" during a nightmare. That's different —it's not good, and I really dislike those nightmares, but it is different than experiencing this during a stressful daytime event.

Important Clarifications About the Symptoms of a Chronic Freeze Response

Online, in both articles and YouTube videos, I often see certain symptoms attributed to chronic freeze which don't actually qualify as definitive signs.

These include:

- Procrastination

- Being unable to speak up for yourself

- Hiding at home and avoiding friends

- Thoughts being stuck in a loop

- Fawning behavior

While these behaviors might accompany a freeze response, they are often part of a flight response. They may also be behaviors encoded through stressful events which get strengthened over time.

They don't automatically indicate a chronic freeze state.

One reason I think it's important to differentiate these symptoms is that dissociation is a specific experience. The symptoms listed here in this section are quite common and could relate to many different anxiety disorders or compulsive behaviors. Healing from each of these will require slightly different tools and techniques.

Hope for Healing

So where do you go from here?

In last week's video and blog on the Freeze State, I provide three groundwork exercises and 3 practical tools to help you recover. (Click here for the blog , and here for the video ).

Overall the tools focus on grounding exercises and mindfulness and strengthening your ability to align your brain and body in the moment .

I also want to emphasize that because the chronic freeze response very frequently comes from chronic trauma, psychotherapy can really help. If you have the ability to access a therapist, particularly one that specializes in trauma,

While I don't do one-on-one therapy anymore, I do have online videos about:

- Finding a good therapist

- EMDR therapy ( which I've found to be super effective for people with complex PTSD).

As humans, we're happiest when our thoughts, body, and reality are all aligned. While the journey might seem daunting, healing is possible. Remember, recognizing these patterns in yourself isn't a sign of weakness—it's the first step toward recovery and a more integrated, present way of living.

Take the time to heal. You absolutely can.

The Freeze Response

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 04 Feb 2025 19:58:25 GMT

Why We Freeze and What You Can Do About It

Why We Freeze in Stressful Situations (And Why It's Not Your Fault)

Have you ever felt completely paralyzed in a stressful situation, unable to think clearly or even move? Does your mind sometimes shut down, perhaps when you need it th e most? Whether this happens occasionally or is your regular stress response, you're experiencing what's known as the freeze mode - one of our basic survival instincts. Let's explore what the freeze response is, how it can be both helpful and problematic, and most importantly, how to manage it.

The Brain's Survival Mechanism

Our brains are wired to keep us safe, and the amygdala plays a key role in controlling the fight, flight, or freeze response. The amygdala is one of the oldest parts of our brain in evolutionary terms - even reptiles have a similar mechanism. The amygdala is designed to rapidly shift us into survival mode when needed, with freeze being one of these survival responses.

Most mammals follow a hierarchy of responses to threat. Their first choice is typically flight - to run away from danger. If fleeing isn't possible, they'll fight. When neither flight nor fight is possible, they freeze. The freeze response occurs in the face of the most overwhelming danger, and in truly extreme situations, it can sometimes be lifesaving.

When Freeze Becomes Problematic

The problem is that the freeze response gets triggered by situations that are not life threatening. These could be everyday situations, memories, or sensory information (sights, smells, sounds).

In these situations, we are not in extreme danger, and freezing can be very problematic, preventing us from engaging our frontal lobe, which is necessary for planning and problem-solving.

However, it's important not to blame yourself for this response, and I think you’ll understand why by the end of this blog.

Consider a mouse being chased by a cat. The mouse will first try to flee - it won't turn to fight as it has no chance against the cat. But if the mouse gets trapped in a corner with no escape route, it will go into freeze mode. This response protects the mouse in two ways: by playing dead (which might cause the cat to lose interest) and by releasing internal opiates that numb the mouse to what's happening.

(So I know sometimes just reading this example can feel very upsetting. If you have a regular freeze response, it is likely that you had situations in the past where you were in that type of situation: danger and unable to flee or fight.

Understanding Your Stress Response Pattern

While all three survival responses - fight, flight, and freeze - can be helpful when needed, most people develop a primary automatic response to stress. Some people are fighters, some are fleers, and some are freezers. Knowing your main stress response pattern is crucial for learning how to modulate it.

These responses are meant to be triggered when there's immediate danger, not for most current day situations.

Most stressful situations in day-to-day life require that we engage our frontal lobe, our planning brain, to fix problems. And the frontal lobe can get totally shut down by the amygdala (this is called the Amygdala Hijack, and I just recorded a video on that phenomenon!).

For those who regularly experience the freeze response, there's often a connection to Complex PTSD.

In my 20 years as an anxiety and trauma specialist, I observed that it was not only violent childhoods that could trigger the freeze response, but also neglectful environments.

If there's neglect, if the caregiver pulls away and is not there, it's a threat to that child's survival and also a threat to that child's identity. Our identity develops in relationship.

Either violence or neglect can cause a freeze response in children, and this might be an "adaptive" choice. In fact, it might be the best choice at the time. I really want to stress that children who freeze very often have to freeze.

Unfortunately, this pattern can become ingrained as our automatic reaction later in life.

Common Symptoms of the Freeze Response

Recognizing the symptoms of the freeze response is helpful. You may not have all of these, and it is likely that one or two are predominent.

Mind Going Blank: A total shutdown of thought, making it difficult to recall information, even in situations where you know what to say.
Numbness and Detachment: Feeling numb, detached, or dissociated from the situation.
Overwhelm: Feeling so overwhelmed that you shut down and do nothing.
Excessive Daydreaming: A sign of dissociation that can be a chronic symptom of the freeze response.
Physical Symptoms: Tonic immobility (inability to move limbs), muscle heaviness, and feeling numb.
Fawning Behaviors: Ignoring personal needs to please others.

Okay, so what do you do about this? How do you move to a place where your go-to response is no longer freezing?

You can do it!

I'm going to give you three steps that are really kind of the groundwork, and then I'm going to give you a couple of tools that can begin to help. A

How to Stop the Freeze Response

It is possible to shift away from the freeze response as your go-to reaction. Here are three foundational steps and some practical tools.

Three Groundwork Steps:

#1 Ensure External Safety:

Make sure your external environment is relatively safe. If you are in an unsafe situation, reach out to resources like 211 to find help and crisis counseling to get you to safety. ( 211 is an anonymous hotline where they will provide resources to help). If you are living in an extremely unsafe environment, it will be very hard to shift how your very amygdala is responding. In fact, as we discussed, the freeze response might make the most sense in a dangerous situation.

#2 Create an Internal Sense of Being Safe Enough:

Even in a physically safe environment, many people struggle to feel internally safe. You can work towards an internal feeling of safety with the tools described below. (I also have a three week "mini-course" on YouTube for free. I will link it here ).

#3 Recognize Freeze as an Anxiety Response:

Understand that the freeze response, though it may feel like numbness, is an extreme form of anxiety. Recognizing it as such can help you use anxiety management tools.

Now, just briefly on anxiety. Cognitive anxiety is worrying about something that is in the future, usually something that you can do nothing about. One problem with the freeze response is that the freeze response gets triggered - boom! - by the amygdala. It hits you prior to conscious thought. Because of this, it may not feel like it is tied to anxiety. But the more you begin to use some anxiety reduction tools, the more you'll be able to separate from this automatic response.

Identifying the freeze as anxiety helps you understand that your brain is trying to protect you from a threat that is not in front of you. So the protection is actually not needed.

Tools for Managing the Freeze Response

Grounding Exercises : Grounding exercises shift your focus from your mind to your body. Because the freeze response is body-based, movement can be helpful.

o Activating Movements: Engage in activities that mobilize your body, like throwing a ball or pillow, jumping jacks, or stomping your feet. These can be more effective than calming exercises for people in a freeze state.

o Focusing on Senses: Pay close attention to your five senses – sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch, in order to stay present in the moment.

o Aromatherapy: Use a pleasant scent to focus on the present.

o Example: Bring your attention to your feet on the floor, noticing what they feel like. If you feel triggered, stomp your feet to connect with the present moment.

Mindfulness Exercises : Practice being present in everyday activities.

o Mindful Walks: Pay attention to your surroundings during a walk.

o Daily Activities: Engage in daily activities like washing dishes by focusing on your senses (the warmth of the water, the scent of the soap).

o Diaphragmatic Breathing: Use slow, deep breaths to calm your body. Practice it first when you’re not triggered, and then in increasingly more stressful situations. It’s recommended to start with grounding exercises if breathing exercises don't feel good.

o Safe Place Exercise: Visualize a safe place and focus on the sensations you would feel there. This can help you create an internal sense of safety.

Therapy : Working with a qualified therapist can be invaluable. EMDR therapy has shown particular effectiveness for people with PTSD and high anxiety who experience freezing. You can also look for therapists with a somatic focus who can provide the support, encouragement, and validation you might have missed in your early years.

Building New Patterns

Remember that these techniques need to be practiced regularly when you're not triggered or stressed. Practice a few times daily to build muscle memory for grounding and mindful presence. Over time, these new patterns can help you overcome the freeze response and develop more adaptive stress reactions.

The journey to managing the freeze response takes time and patience, but with consistent practice and the right support, you can develop new ways of responding to stress that will serve you better in your current life.

Discounting the Positive

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 28 Jan 2025 18:07:27 GMT

Do you struggle to celebrate your achievements?

Do you find it hard to acknowledge your positive qualities or to recognize the good things happening in your life? Is your focus drawn mainly to the negative?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes, you might be experiencing a common cognitive distortion called "discounting the positive."

This way of thinking can significantly impact our self-esteem and our overall perspective.

Understanding the Cognitive Distortion of Discounting the Positive

Cognitive distortions are thinking patterns that most of us experience at some point. They are distorted lenses through which we view the world, impacting our experiences, feelings, and future behaviors. By identifying these distortions and labeling our thoughts, we can gain distance from them and think more clearly.

Discounting the positive means dismissing or minimizing any positive aspects of yourself or your experiences. You might dismiss a skill you have, or perhaps a goal you achieved.

This is not about what we might say that is socially acceptable— for example, politely waving away a compliment or a congratulations. This is about what you genuinely feel about your achievements or positive qualities.

Here are some common examples of how this might manifest:

• If someone compliments you on an achievement, your immediate thought is, "Oh, it was nothing, anyone could have done it."

• Upon receiving a good grade, say, 85%, you focus solely on the fact that you didn't achieve a higher score.

• When someone offers a compliment, you think, "They're just saying that to be nice," and you question their sincerity.

• You focus on one negative aspect of an experience, such as a rude waiter at a restaurant, and dismiss all the positive aspects of the evening.

The Negative Impact of Discounting the Positive

The biggest problem with this pattern?

It reinforces our sense of inadequacy.

We might discount positives because we feel inadequate, but doing so only strengthens that feeling, creating a self-reinforcing cycle of low self-esteem.

We are not taking in the positive signals from the environment that we receive, whether these are positive comments from others or simply a successful outcome we contribute to.

6 Steps to Break the Pattern

Fortunately, this pattern of thinking can be changed with conscious effort. Here are six steps to help you begin to overcome the habit of discounting the positive:

#1. Recognize the Pattern

Many people aren't aware of how often they discount positives until they actively look for it. Try journaling at the end of each day:

- Did you receive any compliments?

- Did you achieve something?

- How did you feel about it (not just what you said)?

- Did you downplay or discount these positives?

Finding the pattern in how you respond to positives, and how you might discount them, can help you step back and view your thoughts more clearly.

#2. Challenge the Pattern

When you catch yourself discounting something positive, ask:

- Is there evidence for my dismissal?

- Are my assumptions accurate?

- What other factors might be involved?

For example, if you're upset about getting an 85 instead of 95 on an exam, consider:

How many others actually achieved a 95?
What other responsibilities were you juggling? Perhaps those with a higher score are not taking as many courses, or do not have outside responsibilities.
What would you have had to sacrifice to achieve that higher score? If you value your relationships or self-care, placing value on those instead of aiming for the higher grade would make sense.

#3. Identify Negative Core Beliefs

Consider the underlying negative beliefs that contribute to your tendency to discount the positive. What is the theme underneath your pattern of discounting the negative? Is it a belief of "I'm not good enough" or "I'm worthless"? Or is there a belief of "I'm lazy" or a feeling of defectiveness?

These deeply ingrained negative beliefs are at the root of our thinking errors and they can lead to a lot of unhappiness.

They remain deeply ingrained until we examine them carefully.

(By the way, you can download a free PDF here that can help with this! Transform your Negative Core Beliefs will help you identify your core belief and learn three techniques to overturn it).

Important note: This isn't about minimizing real problems—homelessness, job loss, illness, addiction, and other serious challenges are very real. The goal is to avoid adding unnecessary self-criticism on top of life's genuine difficulties.

#4. Practice Reframing the Narrative

Instead of dismissing accomplishments, intentionally reframe them.

For example, replace thoughts like "Oh, it was nothing" with "I worked hard for that," or "I feel good about that achievement."

Consider what an alternative response might be (whether external or internal – with internal being the most important!).

Even if you don't fully believe it at first, practice using these alternative responses. You're not lying—you're acknowledging that your initial reaction might not be accurate. “Act as if” can be very powerful.

#5. Celebrate Small Wins

At the end of each day, reflect on what went well and acknowledge those moments.

Think through:

 What went right today
 What you did well
 Small achievements worth acknowledging

You can do this privately or share with someone who understands. The key is developing the habit of recognizing positives, no matter how small.

#6. Seek External Perspective

Obtaining external perspective is very beneficial.

If you find yourself dismissing a compliment, consider asking the person for further clarification.
Share achievements with supportive friends or family.
A therapist, a coach, or a support group can provide valuable insights and feedback.

Implementing These Steps

If you commit to implementing these steps daily for 30 days, you can make significant progress in changing your thought patterns.

It is important to acknowledge that habits of mind and negative core beliefs are deeply ingrained, so working to change them takes time and effort.

Remember, the goal isn't to ignore real problems or become unrealistically positive. Nor is it to become a braggart.

Instead, we're working to stop adding unnecessary negative self-judgment to our daily experiences.

If you found this post helpful, you might also enjoy this blog post Challenging Negative Thinking.

The Cognitive Distortion of Personalization

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 21 Jan 2025 21:33:38 GMT

Personalization can cause so much unnecessary pain! Here's how to overcome it.

Personalization is one of the most challenging cognitive distortions to overcome. It creates significant pain and can send us into spirals of rumination and regret—often for no reason at all. Let's explore what personalization is, why we do it, and how to stop.

What is Personalization?

Personalization is a cognitive distortion where we take on excessive responsibility for events or situations. This could be when:

• Something goes wrong that's out of our control, but we feel like it's our fault.

• Someone around us is upset, and we think it’s about something we did.

• We take criticism personally, instead of seeing it is about the other person’s relationship to the issue or situation (and we may or may not agree with it!).

Personalization can lead to feeling guilty or ashamed for things that aren't our responsibility. It can trigger behaviors that aren't in our best interest, through anger or withdrawal. Almost always, it causes rumination—those painful thought loops of "I shouldn't have done that" or "I should have prevented that" or "I should have responded differently."

A Real-World Example

A therapist I know recently started using a no-show policy, which is a very common practice. One of her clients got very angry about it. He thought the policy was put in place because he had a crisis two weeks earlier and couldn't make his appointment. He felt it was super unfair. The therapist explained that it was not about his cancellation, but something she had been planning to implement for awhile. When the client saw the therapist was not going to budge he told her: "I think this is going to ruin your business".

The therapist, in turn, felt attacked and criticized by the client. She felt he was questioning her business skills, and felt he didn’t respect her.

But the client was just doing what he was prone to do when he doesn’t get his way: he twists things and sends a “zinger” to attact the other person. His statement didn’t even necessarily mean he questioned her business skills.

So, both the client and the therapist were personalizing the situation.

Why Do We Personalize?

Why do we personalize everything? One reason is that we’re all the stars of our own movies. We walk around as if we’re the main character, thinking that we cause everything and that everything is about us. This can sound harsh, but it’s just how our brains work.

In Buddhist philosophy, this is called the “me loop”—the constant thoughts of “me, me, me”.

It can be really painful to be stuck in that "me loop."

However, it can be very helpful to see that other people’s behaviors are being driven by their own “me loop.” If we can see this, it will be easier not to personalize it.

(And I do need to add an aside here! Just because we aren’t personalizing the behavior doesn’t mean we like it. But if we don’t personalize it we can more effectively respond, even if it is to express our displeasure or set a boundary).

How to Stop Personalization

Step 1: Recognize the Pattern

Start by identifying when you might be personalizing.

Even if you FEEL it is personal, make a note to explore whether it might be the cognitive distortion of Personalization. (Or to put this another way, don't use the Cognitive Distortion of Emotional Reasoning (!) and take your emotions to indicate a truth).

Notice if you tend toward:

Taking things personally (others' negative comments or actions)
Taking responsibility for events outside your control
Or both

When you find yourself ruminating, investigate whether personalization is at the root.

Remember, if it's personalization, it's distorted—not accurate or true.

Step 2: Consider Alternative Scenarios

When you identify something that might be personalization, challenge your thinking. See if you can come up with other possible explanations. For example,

What are some other reasons why that project failed?
What are some other reasons that caused that person to get upset?

Instead of assuming it’s your fault, open your mind to other possibilities.

You don't have to immediately convince yourself you're not responsible or that it isn't personal. Simply opening your mind to other possibilities helps enormously.

Step 3: Gain Perspective

Perspective is key. It helps us get out of that “me loop.”

There are several ways to gain perspective:

- Talk to someone else (a therapist, coach, or friend)

- Step back and remember that others are also the stars of their own movies

- Ask yourself what you'd say to a friend in this situation

- Remember that when someone insults us, we're often just minor characters in their story. It truly is more about them than it is about us.

The Role of Negative Core Beliefs

Another reason we personalize situations is related to our negative core beliefs. These core beliefs drive the ways we personalize events.

For example:

For the man who was angry at the therapist, a core belief might be that life isn't fair, or that he can’t trust others.
For the therapist, a core belief might be that she’s not good enough (fearing she isn’t good enough to run a business). Or she might feel a lot of financial insecurity, which could be tied to a feeling of “I’m powerless” or “I’m inadequate.”

If you can identify your own negative core beliefs, that will help you understand why you personalize things. If you want more help with that, I have a free PDF called Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs which can help you identify your true core belief and provides three methods for overcoming them. Click the link to download for free.

## Key Takeaways

1. Personalization makes us take excessive responsibility for things outside our control.

2. We all tend to be the "stars of our own movies," which makes personalization a common trap.

3. Recognition is the first step—notice when you're personalizing and what type you tend toward.

4. Challenge your thoughts by considering alternative explanations for situations.

5. Gain perspective by talking to others or imagining how you'd advise a friend.

6. Understanding your negative core beliefs can help you identify why you tend to personalize certain situations.

Remember, breaking free from personalization takes practice, but even small steps in recognizing and challenging these thought patterns can lead to significant emotional relief!

Please share how personalization impacts you and what helps in the comments below!

Cognitive Distortions and Emotional Regulation

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 15 Jan 2025 14:04:01 GMT

A Powerful Tool for Emotional Regulation: Identifying Cognitive Distortions

How Cognitive Distortions Help with Emotional Regulation

One of the greatest benefits of identifying cognitive distortions is that they help you regulate emotionally. Emotional regulation is key to psychological health and feeling good about things. When you're able to regulate emotionally, you don't get as anxious, and if you tend towards depression, you can get out of it quicker.

Research has tied the ability to emotionally regulate to happiness.

While you've probably heard a lot about how identifying cognitive distortions help change thinking patterns, I want to elaborate on something less commonly discussed, which is that when you look at your thoughts and identify cognitive distortions you gain the ability and insight to emotionally regulate.

The CBT Cycle Revisited

To explain this, I’d like to quickly review the CBT cycle (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). In this cycle, how you think impacts how you feel, how you feel impacts how you behave, and how you behave impacts how you think. Additionally, your “feelings” have physical and emotional components. Your physical feelings affect your emotional feelings, as well as your thoughts and behaviors. Similarly, your emotional state impacts you physically and also impacts your thoughts and behaviors. It’s all interconnected.

Real-World Examples

Consider this scenario: You've just given a big presentation at work, and you think it went badly. Your thoughts spiral into believing you screwed up and that people are judging you. You worry about missing out on a promotion or even getting fired. While these thoughts race through your mind, they're generating anxious chemicals in your body – that's the physical piece. Emotionally, you're feeling anxious.

Your behavior might manifest in different ways:

- Working excessively and putting in longer hours, which leads to exhaustion and more stress

- Hiding under your covers, calling in sick and avoiding your boss to dodge negative feedback. This increases your anxiety when you actually return to work

- Blaming a coworker, which creates problems for you long-term

Or take another example: Someone breaks up with you. Even if you saw it coming and weren't completely invested in the relationship, you might still struggle with being alone. Thoughts like "I'm worthless" or "I'll never find a partner" can lead to depression. As depression sets in, self-blame worsens. You might ruminate about past mistakes or catastrophize about the future, creating a spiral where thoughts feed into body sensations, emotions, and behaviors.

Breaking the Cycle

The cycle can begin anywhere – with thoughts, physical sensations, or emotions. For instance, a physical pain might trigger thoughts about having something wrong with you, leading to anxiety as you research symptoms online. The cycle continues until you actively intervene.

CBT's foundation is that to create change, you need to adjust either your thinking or your behavior. It's challenging to directly change how you feel. In my 20 years as a therapist, countless clients have expressed wanting to change their feelings. But feelings are very difficult to shift unless we modify our thoughts or behaviors.

Using Cognitive Distortions for Emotional Regulation

Identifying cognitive distortions serves as an intervention at the level of thought. When you pause to ask, "Is this a cognitive distortion?" you've already broken the cycle. This pause is crucial for managing anxiety, depression, anger, or other emotions that tend to spiral.

The process works because:

1. You step back from being consumed by your thoughts to analyze them

2. This stepping back is itself a form of emotional regulation

3. Identifying specific distortions helps you respond more effectively

For example, with the work presentation scenario, recognizing catastrophizing helps you see that jumping from "bad presentation" to "I'm getting fired" is a distorted thought pattern. This recognition allows you to bring yourself back to the present moment and choose more helpful behaviors like deep breathing or going for a walk.

Similarly, with the breakup example, identifying catastrophizing ("I'll be alone forever") and self-blame as cognitive distortions helps you see these thoughts aren't facts. This awareness lets you choose more constructive behaviors like calling a friend or engaging in activities you enjoy.

Building the Skill

While this process isn't always simple and requires practice (sometimes with guidance), it's a powerful tool for managing emotions. We often get stuck in patterns of self-recrimination and negative thinking that cycle with our emotions, but rewiring these patterns is possible.

If you're interested in learning more about changing your brain's neurobiology through different thinking and behavior patterns, check out my free webinar " Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence."

I'd love to hear your thoughts on using cognitive distortions for emotional regulation. How has identifying cognitive distortions helped you manage your emotions? Share your experiences in the comments below.

The Cognitive Distortion of Emotional Reasoning

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 18 Dec 2024 16:32:28 GMT

Why is listening to your emotions sometimes a distortion?

The cognitive distortion of emotional reasoning. What is it and why is it a problem?

Shouldn't you take your emotions into account when you make your judgments and decisions?

Let's talk about it.

What is emotional reasoning? Emotional reasoning is when you draw a conclusion based solely on how you feel.

People with this thinking pattern can feel like their feelings actually prove something is true, even if the evidence is contrary to that conclusion.

Or they might feel that their emotions prove something's true when they simply don't have any evidence one way or another.

Why emotional reasoning is a problem

If we are using emotional reasoning, we take action based on those feelings and on the conclusion they led us to. Those actions, in turn, exacerbate those feelings.

We'll believe whatever it is we're believing, stronger and stronger. We escalate the problem and the emotions.

This leads to highs and lows in our emotions, also called emotional dysregulation.

While using emotional reasoning, we aren't judging situations properly, we're not making great decisions about our lives or about other people.

However...

Having said this, it is important to also realize that your emotions are valid!

The best decisions combine your logic and reason with an accurate assessment of what your emotions are telling you.

So I'm going to give you three keys to how you can know whether you're using emotional reasoning or whether you are accurately accessing the information that your emotions are giving you.

#1 Key: REACTIVITY

When we are in an emotionally reactive state, we are not thinking clearly.

When we can learn to respond to situations instead of react, we are operating from emotional regulation, and we have much more access to the logical part of our brain so we can balance reason and emotion.

You can assess your reactivity by how upset you are. Has your pulse rate gone up? Do you feel like you're having any physical feelings from a fight, flight, freeze response? If your emotions hit you in a whoosh and feel very strong, it is probably reactivity.

And the best thing to do at that moment is something that helps you emotionally regulate.

#2 Key: Identifying Your Habitual Emotion

The second key to knowing whether or not you are using the cognitive distortion of emotional reasoning is whether it is a habitual emotion that you are feeling.

Now, this is a super important concept, and I don't see this talked about a lot, but most of our emotions do give us really valid information. But when we have a habitual emotion, it isn’t giving us good information. In fact, it is probably covering up other emotions that might have more valid info for us.

A habitual emotion is our go-to emotion.

I'm going to share some very specific examples that will help to illustrate this concept, and then I'll share that third key.

Some emotional reasoning examples are extremely common, and most of us do something like these on occasion. And then there are examples that actually contribute to particular anxiety diagnoses. So I'm going to give both of these to you so you get a sense of how this emotional reasoning could impact you.

A very common example of emotional reasoning is the following:

You have a fight with your partner and you are very angry at something they did. It probably ties to something from your past or something that they've done before that they know you don't like. You feel that “If they really loved me, they wouldn't do this because they know how mad it makes me. They don't love me anymore. This is not worthwhile.” You work yourself up to the point where you're ready to break up with the person, Then a few days go by, you wake up and you are feeling better. Maybe the fight was resolved, or maybe your emotions have simply eased. You think to yourself “Wow,, I really love this person. What was I thinking?!”

As you can tell in this example, you have a rush of reactivity and you make a judgment about the person and situation. At that moment, you might say some horrible, hurtful, destructive things, which often causes the other person to do the same. Everything escalates, because of emotional reasoning.

An example of emotional reasoning that contributes to an anxiety disorder is the following:

Let’s talk about someone who has had one or two panic attacks in the past. Perhaps they called an ambulance and went to the hospital, thinking they were having a heart attack. At the hospital, after many tests and time, they are told it “isn’t physical, just a heart attack.” (Which I do not think is helpful information, to be honest!)

This person is faced with a similar situation with that first panic attack and they feel like they might have another panic attack. This feeling translates immediately into the thought “I might have another panic attack,” and their heart rate goes up and the begin to feel more anxious. The thought changes to “I will definitely have another panic attack.” And this either can spiral into another panic attack, or they decide to avoid the situation that came up (which in the long run will make panic worse).

The feeling that they are going to have another panic attack translates into the belief they will, which almost certainly guarantees they well.

Another example is:

Let's take a person with social anxiety who feels like a group of people is talking behind their back. Since they feel that, they “know” it is true. Because they believe that, they withdraw from the group and avoid the situation. Over time, avoidance makes social anxiety worse. Further, that group of people will stop reaching out to the person over time, confirming the person’s belief that those people didn’t like him or her.

Emotional reasoning can contribute to very significant issues in your life.

#3 Key: Recognize the Negative Core Belief Which is Triggered

Emotional reasoning almost always corresponds to your negative core belief.

So for example, let’s say your negative core belief is, “I'm not good enough,” and you've had it since you were a child. You feel it in many situations. Lo and behold, if you become a parent, you'll feel “I'm not good enough.” Whatever goes wrong with the kids, you’ll feel, at core, “I’m just not a good enough parent.”

For somebody with health anxiety and panic disorder, their negative core belief could be “I'm in danger.” Many bodily feelings will be interpreted from that core belief, and they will feel they have a terrible illness, and therefore, believe it.

Could you comment below and let me know if this makes sense to you? This is a key concept. The reactivity, which probably comes from a trigger to that negative core belief, is bringing up that habitual emotion. The negative core belief is in full force and your body is having a reactive fight, flight, freeze response.

Okay, so if you are doing this, how do you stop using the cognitive distortion of emotional reasoning?

How do you get to a place where you can balance your logical mind with your awareness of valid emotions that are giving you good information?

How to Stop Using the Cognitive Distortion of Emotional Reasoning

Step 1: Recognize when you're in a reactive state

Note it to yourself, “I'm very reactive right now.”

When we're really reactive, we are not thinking clearly. Our fight, flight, freeze response is in full control of our brain, even if we're someone who appears super logical and super in control. Know that when you're activated, you're probably not making the best decisions for yourself.

Step 2: Identify the habitual emotion

Which emotion do you kind of “feel all the time?” When you're upset is it usually because you're anxious, or angry, or depressed? Or overwhelmed? Numbed out?

Any one of these, if they're habitual for you, come from reactivity.

Step 3: Identify what negative core belief has been triggered

Our negative core beliefs form very young in life, and they stay with us throughout life until we really do some work to get over them. And I do have a free PDF on identifying your negative core belief with three techniques to transform it. You can download that here.

Step 4: Take the time to emotionally regulate

Don't make major decisions in this moment. Don't impulsively say things.

If you need to, withdraw from the situation. Diaphragmatically breathe, do grounding techniques, go for a walk out in nature if that's something you find calming. Find ways to lower your heart rate back to its normal rate. Calm down and know that at that moment what you think is true is probably not true.

Step 5: Step back from your feelings

Take a moment to separate from your feelings so you can see them and you can acknowledge them, but not to be totally in them.

So on my channel and in my blog, I talk a lot about separating from thoughts. This is also about separating from thoughts, because you are having thoughts about those emotions! However, first, take the time to separate from your emotions. You don’t have to be totally in them.

An example could be: “Oh, okay, I am feeling panic coming on. I know this is a habitual pattern of mine. I know that I have felt this way before. I’ve been to the hospital a few times and they said it wasn’t anything dangerous. Clearly it wasn't a heart attack, because I lived for another year. So this is a habitual emotion. It is not giving me good information. I feel like I’m in danger but I know that I am not.”

You might keep feeling it, and part of you may still think it's real, but another part of you is able to recognize it as an anxious response that gets interpreted as a heart attack. That part knows you are safe enough, and that part will become stronger and stronger as you practice.

Another piece that comes into all of this is something called emotional intelligence. It is sometimes called EQ (as opposed to IQ). This includes being able to understand what your emotions are communicating to you.

Unfortunately, we’re not taught this in school. We're often not taught it at all in our families.

It is really useful to begin to learn, “Alright, what does anger tell me? What signal is it giving me?" Or: "If I'm feeling sad, what is that emotion telling me?”

If this is not a habitual emotion, it has information for you that you can pull in and then incorporate with your logical side to make decisions.

Our best decisions in life are those that combine our logic and our emotions, our valid emotions.

So let me know if this made sense to you, whether you found it helpful, and whether you have any questions about it. And I will see you next week.

The Cognitive Distortion of SHOULD Statements

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 11 Dec 2024 15:56:32 GMT

When are “should statements” a problem, and when are they realistic?

So the problematic should statements are those that make us feel bad about ourselves or those that make others feel bad about themselves:

“I should be more productive.”
“I should exercise more.” “
I should wake up earlier.”
“He should be nicer.”
“She shouldn't have done that to me.”
“She should really go back to school and get a better degree.”

Our should statements reflect our values and our judgments about the world, but they're often applied rigidly and critically.

In today's blog, I'll address why should statements can be a cognitive distortion, and what you can do about it!

So, a cognitive distortion is a "thinking error," which distorts how we are perceiving and interpreting reality.

If we tend to get stuck in uncomfortable mental states such as anxiety, rumination, depression, or habitual anger, we tend to have a lot of cognitive distortions.

And a distortion means it's distorted. It's not a true reflection of reality.

__________

So when is a should statement a cognitive distortion?

And when is it like, “Yeah, okay, time for me to go do my laundry”?

So I'm going to help you figure out when should statements are problematic, why they're problematic, and how to turn them around.

I got a comment on my recent video about cognitive distortions from somebody who said that she's never understood why “should statements” are cognitive distortions. She used the examples of

“I should eat something because it's 6:00 PM and I've yet to eat today.”
“I should wash my hands before I prepare this food.”
“I should get to bed because it's past midnight.”

These types of should statements are not problematic. So how do you know?

With these should statements, there's a direct action, and you're pretty sure the person saying the should statement is going to follow through. So that's fine.

But this is not the type of should statement that most of us use.

Most of us use them more like these:

“I should exercise more, I am so lazy.”
“I should wake up earlier because I just can't get everything done and I'm just not being productive enough and I know I should, but I just can't and it makes me feel bad about myself.”
“I should save more money, but I'm not going to because it gives me too much pleasure to go buy things and I know I'm going to keep doing that, but I know I should do that, so I'm just going to feel badly about myself.”

I imagine you can tell what the problem with these kinds of should statements are.

They contribute to our low self-worth
They don't move us towards productive action
They don't help us reconcile the difference between what we are actually doing and what we think we “should” do
They don't investigate the conflict inherent in the “should”
They don’t help us change
They make us feel badly

So if you are always “shoulding on” yourself or somebody else, what do you do about it?

I broke this out into five steps.

5 Steps to Stop "Shoulding" on Yourself

#1: Look into your values

Very often our “should statements” are based in values that come from society or our families of origin, and we don't really agree with them.

If you came from a family that was very academically focused and you don't really like academics and you want to be an artist or a construction worker, you might always be telling yourself “I should try harder at school, I should care about this, I should do this.” Because it's the message you got from your family or from the society you're in, but it's not what you really want.

So take the time to look through the values that are reflected in your should statements. What is the conflict in values that's reflected in these problematic should statements?

When you notice that you're “shoulding on yourself,” take out a piece of paper and a pen. Write down what you're telling yourself you "should" do, and then write down why you're not doing it, or why you're conflicted about it. And then look for what values are represented by both sides of that.

For example, “I should go to the gym more.” When investigated, the conflict might be “I'm totally exhausted. I worked all day, I'm taking care of kids. I don't have the energy.” That exploration gives you way more information than simply being like “Oh, I should go to the gym, but I'm sitting on the couch. I’m so lazy.” The investigation shines a light on the structural problem in your life that is getting in the way.

#2: Turn your should statements into choices

Instead of shoulds, use the language of CHOICE.

Let's take the should statement of “I should wake up earlier.”

Okay, where does this "should" come from? Some people are night owls, some aren't. We all have our own rhythms. Perhaps learning live with our own rhythms is helpful.

So rather than “I should wake up earlier” it could be “I'm going to figure out how to structure things so that I don't have to feel all the time like I should wake up earlier. I'm going to make a choice here.”

Let's look another example: "I should be nicer” . Once you've looked at the values and the conflict inherent in this statement and in the situation, consider whether it is actually a boundary that is needed. It could be: “I'm choosing to set a boundary with a friend, even though it kind of makes me feel a little bit like I'm not being nice or I'm not doing what I should do. I'm going to set a boundary because not doing so is having a negative impact on me.”

You can take your “should statements,” analyze the values and inherent value conflicts, and then make a choice.

#3: Turn the choices into action

Let’s start with: “I should save more money.”

Let’s say you go through your values and you realize that you don’t highly value what you are spending money on and you do value feeling more secure. You feel that saving money will help you feel more secure, and this is an important value.

“I'm going to have a certain amount automatically deducted from my paycheck.”

“I will put in place boundaries for myself around how I spend money”

If you find that your “should statements” do actually reflect your values and what you want, make a plan.

#4: If needed, let the “should statements” go

If you find that the “should statements” don’t reflect your true values, or if you find that they are too rigid and perfectionistic, it probably makes sense to consciously let them go.

Let's take the “I should be nicer,” or “I should never say no to somebody” or “I should always help everybody around me who's in trouble, whether they ask for it or not.”

These are unrealistically broad. You can value being nicer, but also value self-care. You can value helping others, but also value letting others be responsible for themselves.

Letting go is a practice, and it takes some time. But acknowledging that your “should statement” is not valid or helpful is a first step.

# 4: Understand the negative core belief reflected in your “should statement”

Knowing and understanding your negative core belief is key to a healthier way of thinking and a healthier way of navigating the world. We develop these beliefs at a young age and they impact much of our behavior and experience, until we recognize and heal them.

So a belief of “I should be nice to everybody” probably arises from a negative core belief that “my needs don't count” or “other people's needs are more important than mine.”

If your should statement is “I should always be helping everybody else in my family, whether they've asked for it or not,” you probably have a negative core belief that you can't rely on others. You've developed a belief and habit that somehow it is your job to be the competent one, and that if you don't "jump in and help, everything's going to be horrible."

This fifth step of recognizing what negative core beliefs are under these should statements can really help you deeply understand why you have this internal dictator in your head.

The internal dictator is always beating us up “You should be nicer, you should be smarter, you should work harder, you should be more productive, you should be able to get everything done.” This internal dictator was internalized, probably from a critical parent or a general atmosphere that created this belief in us. This blog will probably be interesting to you if you resonate with this: Inner Critic

So for help on this step, the negative core belief, I do have a free PDF . It helps you identify the negative core belief and then it also gives you tools to overturn that belief.

To conclude,let's go back to the other should statements that really aren't problematic.

“I should go do my laundry because otherwise tomorrow I'm not going to have any clean clothes.”

There's no huge criticism in that. There's no huge conflict. I may not feel like doing the laundry, but I know it's the best choice given the consequences if I don’t.

Those should statements are not problematic, but I would still recommend rephrasing them with the language of choice.

“I'm c hoosing to go do my laundry now. If I don't, I won't have clothes for tomorrow.”

Alright, let me know what you think of this and whether it was helpful . If you have any questions let me know!

The Cognitive Distortion of Mind Reading

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 03 Dec 2024 14:37:21 GMT

Mind Reading: A Cognitive Distortion that puts us into emotional spirals!

We actually have a bias in our brains that inclines us towards mind reading, that I’ll explain below.

In today's blog, I'll explain what mind reading is so you can identify whether or not you do it, which areas you do it in and even how much you do it. We're going to talk about why it's a problem, and then I'm going to give you some techniques to overcome it.

Mind reading can lead us into emotional spirals of anxiety, depression, anger or grief for no reason whatsoever, because our mind reading is usually not accurate.

Mind reading is basically assuming you know the other person's motivations and intent behind something they say or an action they take, when you haven't asked for clarification. You don't have all the information, but you are just going to jump to a conclusion that you know what that behavior meant or you know what that comment meant.

You might also be aware of when people do this to you. This happened to me recently, and it can really drive me nuts when people will jump to a conclusion about what my motivation is when they haven't asked any clarifying questions!

When we put our own interpretations on somebody else's words or behaviors, we're actually blocking our understanding of the other person. We're actually limiting our ability to get to know the person if it's someone we want to get to know. And then, as I said, we're also sending ourselves into a whole emotional rollercoaster, which is not necessary.

Let's talk about some examples.

A coworker who is usually pretty friendly with you just rushes by you, and then you don't see them for the next two days. You think you did something wrong. You think they are mad at you. Weeks later, you find out it had nothing to do with you. They were dealing with an intense emergency. Yet you personalized it using your “mind reading skills” to decide what the problem was.

Another example is you send a friend a text and they don't respond. You immediately think they're mad at you, or you think something terrible happened to them. And while thinking something terrible happened to them may not sound like mind reading because it's not interpreting their motivation or intention, it actually is mind reading because you're putting your own behavior onto what you are expecting from them.

So if you're somebody who responds to texts quickly and this other person sometimes does, but sometimes doesn't, when you jump to the above conclusions, you are assuming that they live by your rules. That would lead you to believe that if they could text back, they would. So therefore something must have happened to them.

So a slightly more detailed example that I think will help you understand the problems with mind reading is a client of mine who had recently become the number two person in an organization and it was a new position. The organization was run by the owner and he was creating this number two position so that he could both expand the business but then also pull back and not have to work so much. But my client was frequently frustrated because he felt like he was being micromanaged.

Sometimes the owner of the business would jump in and try to fix an issue before my client felt it was needed. And then sometimes the owner was talking directly to the people who were reporting to my client. My client was interpreting this as “He doesn't think I'm good enough. He doesn't think I'm strong enough. He's probably unhappy that he hired me.”

My client was beginning to look for another job. A contributing factor here is that my client did feel overwhelmed by the job. He wasn't feeling super confident. And his mind reading was contributing to this lack of confidence.

However, when he actually sat down with his boss, his boss started to tell him how happy he was that he had hired him. The boss said he was very pleased with my client's performance. At that point, my client began to ask a few clarifying questions.

So what was really going on is that the boss had never before delegated some of these responsibilities to anyone else, He was used to running the business by himself. He also had direct relationships with the employees who used to report directly to them, and the boss wasn't following the protocols that would be in his own best interest. So it actually had nothing to do with my client.

If my client didn’t tend toward Mind Reading, and if he didn’t have an underlying belief of not being good enough, he would have addressed the problem directly. He could have gone to his boss and said, “Hey, I thought you wanted me to take care of this. I noticed you jumped in. Is this something you don't want me to take care of?"

If you can ask questions in an open way where you are not putting your assumptions and rules on the other person, you will get valuable information.

Another real life example is from when I would work with couples. This would happen frequently. One person in the coupleship would mention something that the other one was sensitive to. And then the one who was sensitive to that would get furious because they would assume that their spouse or partner had mentioned that just to get under their skin. They wouldn't ask a clarifying question such as, “Hey, I'm really sensitive about that topic. Can I ask you why you're bringing it up?” That question wouldn't happen.

They would just get furious. The spouse would maybe not even know why they were so furious. The spouse would feel unheard because they were probably trying to say something relevant and the whole thing would blow up into a fight that might not be resolved for days.

That mind reading of attaching a negative motivation to the other person causes a lot of problems in couples. In fact, I think it was one of the core issues creating problems for couples.

Let me know if those examples made sense, by commenting below! I’d love to know!

How Mind Reading Comes From Our Negative Core Belief(s)

Recurring themes underlie a lot of our cognitive distortions. These themes reflect our negative core beliefs. They underlie the way we distort the world. Our negative core beliefs lead to rules and assumptions about the way we should be, the way others should be, and the way the world should work.

So for the client I discussed above who who filled in the number two position, it was very clear that his negative core belief was some form of “I'm not good enough.”

It had formed very early in his life and it was a framework that he put on the world. Negative core beliefs are like a lens through which we see the world.

So when things didn't go the way the client thought they should go, he would feel ”I'm not good enough.”

[In case you haven’t accessed my free PDF Transform your Negative Core Beliefs. I will link it here. Many people have found it extremely helpful in identifying their core negative belief, and in learning techniques to turn it into a positive adaptive belief]

Investigating and healing the negative core belief is the inner core work that facilitates changing our thoughts and feelings in the current day. Sometimes cognitive behavioral therapy techniques do not go deep enough.

Here is an example to illustrate this:

If I grew up with a belief that "other people's needs are more important than mine," that "my needs don't count," or maybe even "I don't count," then I probably develop some rules and assumptions about the world that I should take care of other people's needs first. I might also have an assumption that if I am a nice and responsible person, I can never say no. If somebody else says they need something (whether they actually need it or not), I should do it.

And therefore, if I have that rule and assumption about the world, then if somebody says no to me, I might jump to the conclusion they're not nice or they don't like me. Rather than understanding they might just have too many conflicts, and that they're practicing self-care, I will personalize it in a way that reflects my negative core belief.

The human brain has a bias that contributes to mind reading. And that bias is that we think that other people think the way we do. And when they don't think the way we do, we're always surprised .

Because of this, we also assume that other people have the same rules and assumptions that we have.

This is problematic because it blocks our ability to see reality.

I saw this as a huge problem in the clients that I worked with who were in relationship with somebody who had a personality disorder (narcissistic personality disorder, for example). The client would keep going over and over, “But how could he have done that?” “How could she do that? I would never do that. If X, Y, and Z were the circumstances, I would never do that. So I don't think they would've done it. So something must have happened that made them do that. Maybe it was me. Maybe I didn't do something right.”

They were always in this confusion and investigation, almost like a detective story, investigating what could it have been that caused the person to act that way when these were the circumstances?

With somebody who is personality disordered, my guidance was always to accept that their brain works differently than yours . They do not think with the same rules and assumptions.

So that is an extreme example of somebody whose mind doesn't work the way yours works, but just be careful that you're not applying your framework onto somebody else.

Help to Change Mind Reading

If you do a lot of mind reading, what can help?

Number one is to fully acknowledge that you do it . Know when you're doing it. You might feel that you have all sorts of evidence that supports your conclusion, but leave a bit of a question mark in there.

And then the next thing to do is to emotionally regulate . Because generally if something happens and we go into one of those spirals of mind reading, we're getting anxious, depressed or angry. Simply taking a moment to emotionally regulate is extremely helpful.

So diaphragmatically breathe, ground. Pay attention to what's around you in the moment. Feel your feet on the floor.

Once you feel somewhat more calm, come back to the situation and think through “What questions do I need to ask this person? What additional information do I need before I come to a conclusion?”

And then, the last step, is to ask those clarifying questions (if you can, obviously!).

Ask them in an open, curious way where you're not prejudging the responses.

And if you are not in a situation to ask, hold back from coming to a conclusion!

Let me know if this was helpful - I would love to know!

Cognitive Defusion: Help for Anxiety

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 27 Nov 2024 18:04:46 GMT

Cognitive FUSION is the main problem underlying ANXIETY.

Cognitive fusion is always a component of anxiety.

Understanding what cognitive fusion is and what cognitive diffusion is can truly help you recover from anxiety.

If you are able to “defuse” from your thoughts, your anxiety will drop dramatically.

This blog will help you understand what cognitive fusion is and what cognitive diffusion is and how they relate to anxiety. And then I'm also going to give you three techniques that you can put into place fairly quickly to help yourself recover from anxiety.

Cognitive fusion is when we are totally engulfed by our thoughts. We believe them. We physically experience them. We have a very hard time separating from them. We aren't able to see “this is me” and “those are my thoughts.”

When diffused from our thoughts, we see ourselves as separate from our thoughts. We know there are different thoughts we could think. We can analyze our thoughts. [I do have a whole video explaining cognitive diffusion which I will link here ].

What happens with anxiety is we begin to think about a problem and we just go into the whole story. We project out into the future all the bad things that could happen. Our mind is racing with the problem and our body is generating fight flight freeze chemicals.

We are NOT in our “planning brain” or in our “solution-focused brain.”

In order to come up with solutions, particularly creative solutions, we need our full brain online. When we go into that anxious mode, it's mainly our amygdala, the fight, flight, freeze response, that is driving everything.

The fusion with anxiety is the reason we believe what our anxiety is telling us.

Your anxiety convinces you that you have to worry.

It is almost as if your anxiety wants to justify its existence.

I was a psychotherapist for 20 years working with people with anxiety and trauma, and one of the things that got in the way of people recovering from anxiety was a belief that “I have to worry about this.”

People would say, “I have this health problem, how do I not worry about it? Of course, I should be worrying about it.”

“I have this problem with my job, this problem with housing, this problem with a relative, etc..."

And yes, these are real problems. Sorting them through and figuring them out is helpful, if there's something you can do about it. For this, you need your planning brain, not your anxiety.

But the anxiety is telling you, “You need me, you need me, you have to do this.”

That is part of the fusion.

So cognitive diffusion as it relates to anxiety is separating from those anxious thoughts. You might still have the anxious thoughts, but you can look at them with more perspective, from a bit of a distance. You can separate the thoughts from your need to respond physically, so you can calm yourself physically while thinking about a difficult problem.

Now, I know this is much easier said than done. It can be very hard to do. But there are tools that can really help, if you do them regularly. You can be more of an observer of your thoughts rather than drowning in them, rather than letting them control you.

If you diffuse from an anxious thought and separate from it, you won't spiral down with it. It won’t lead you from one worry to the next and the next.

Three Exercises to Help Diffuse From Anxiety

Alright, let's talk about some techniques to do this. I'm going to give you three very practical exercises you can do.

The Balloon Technique

I'm going to start with the example of taking care of my four-and-a-half-year-old granddaughter, which I was doing a couple of weeks ago. She had a nightmare in the middle of the night. Her parents were away and she's not used to them being away so it wasn't too much of a surprise that she might have a nightmare. She woke me up in the middle of the night and I went to her room with her. We laid down and I tried different things to help her fall back to sleep: singing a song, telling a story, deep breathing.

But she wanted to talk about whether her dream would come true. She didn't really want to tell me the dream, but her anxiety was, “How do I know a dream won't come true?” So I addressed this directly, saying that dreams don't come true. They're just something our brains make up while we sleep. But that is hard to explain to a four and a half year old.

Eventually I suggested that she imagine a balloon and imagine putting her nightmare into the balloon. I said she could pick the color of the balloon to help her visualize it. And I told her we were going to then let the balloon go and watch it fly away with the nightmare. She picked the color blue.

I had her imagine putting the nightmare and the worries about that nightmare into that balloon and letting it float up to the sky. After that, she did finally fall asleep.

This “balloon technique” is basically the same as watching your thoughts fly away, or float down a river, or drive by in a car. It is “taking the thoughts out of you,” putting them somewhere and letting them go.

This is a tool of cognitive diffusion. It's separating from the thoughts enough to actually visualize whatever you're worried about leaving you. So that's tool number one.

The Goofy Voice Technique

So, after the balloon visualization, my granddaughter slept fine the rest of the night. However, she brought the nightmare up the next day, again with the worry about whether or not it might come true.

After she had asked me this many, many times, and I had tried many different ways to help her stop worrying about it, I finally said, “Tell me the story of your dream in a goofy voice.” She looked at me as if she couldn't even imagine that. So I said, “How about I tell you the story of your dream in a goofy voice?” After she said, “okay,” I made my voice really high and squeaky, and I told her the dream in a very goofy voice. She hesitantly smiled and laughed a little bit.

Then we did it again in a different goofy voice.

And then we did it again in a different goofy voice. And then I said, “Let's change the ending of the dream. Let's tell the story with a different ending.”

So in our goofy voices, we told a story that ended well.

She moved on to other topics (phew!).

The goofy voice technique is also a cognitive diffusion technique, which was developed as part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

It’s been proven that the goofy voice technique can help with separating from thoughts (cognitive diffusion).

I also want to give you a corollary to this technique. When I was working with people as a psychotherapist, I would have them create a character on their shoulder that represented their anxiety. And then when they had anxious thoughts, they could put them in the character that was on their shoulder. [This is explained more in a video I have on Generalized Anxiety Disorder ].

So, as you can see, that's an extra step of diffusion because you are putting the thoughts almost into another being. You could imagine any character to represent your anxiety: the road runner, the Tasmanian devil, etc.

You can begin to see that the anxiety is trying to accomplish something, but it is not doing it in an effective way.

Thoughts for Sale Technique

Alright, so we are going to move on to technique number three, which is a little bit more sophisticated. This third technique, “thoughts for sale”, is also from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

The technique is to imagine that you are at a yard sale and different thoughts or different types of thoughts are on the different tables, and you get to pick which one you go with. So you can take your rumination thoughts and put them at one table, and you can take your catastrophizing thoughts and put them at another table. And you could put being mindfully in the moment on a third table. And perhaps there could be a planning table where you can purchase the thoughts that go with planning.

Which thoughts do your choose?

Implementing These Techniques

Now, I know a lot of this is way easier said than done, and these techniques do take time and practice.

It can be very helpful to have somebody outside of yourself who can help guide you through it, a therapist or a coach.

I don't do therapy anymore, but I do have an online program called Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence . It’s a six month program because it takes time to change how you think. The program is geared to help lower anxiety and negative self-talk, improve your mindfulness and develop healthy boundaries. All of these things help make life more joyful. I put all of that together in a comprehensive six month program with a workbook, prerecorded videos, and emails to remind you to move on to the next section. The link is here , check it out, you might find it super helpful.

And, finally, let me know which of these three techniques you plan to try!

Challenging Negative Thoughts

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 18:11:10 GMT

Are you tired of your negative thinking

and how much it's holding you back in life?

Our negative thinking can make us feel totally weighed down and oppressed. We feel hopeless and unmotivated.

Or it can feel like it's attacking us all the time. And when we feel like we're being attacked, we get defensive. We go into our fight, flight, freeze mode, generating stress chemicals, and feeling anxious.

In this blog, I'm going to help you understand how you can shift this type of thinking. I will give you some concepts to work with as well as some practical tools. And I think my approach on this will be different from other approaches you've seen because I talk about the emotional regulation piece that's very important and we’ll go to the deeper issues.

Our goal will be to disempower the negative thoughts. Diffusing the power that those thoughts currently have will dramatically shift how you think and feel. You might want to “get rid” of the thoughts altogether, but disempowering them has been shown to be more effective.

Concept #1: Emotional Regulation

When you are hit with a bunch of negative thinking, the first thing I would like to ask you to do is to check in with your mood and your level of reactivity.

Regulating our emotions is key to working with our thoughts. How we feel impacts how we think and behave. And, of course, how we think impacts how we feel and behave, and how we behave impacts how we think and feel. We are all connected.

An example: You have a fight with someone you love and care about, and you are really, really angry at them. Your thoughts might turn to, “I never want to see this person again.” If you're dating, it could be “I want to break up.”

However, the fight resolves. Things calm down. You wake up the next morning and you are totally in love again. You can't believe you thought about breaking up. You might still be mad at something the person did, but it is no longer condemning the entire person.

Put a comment below if you can relate to this example.

I know this has happened more often to me than I would want to admit!

When you step back to assess your mood, you realize that your thoughts are momentary. Your thoughts are not facts. Your thoughts might be opinions for that moment when you're in that mood, but you might think the opposite within a relatively short amount of time.

Assessing your reactivity is super important because when we are reactive in a situation, we go into our fight, flight, freeze mode. And this is an old part of our brain that cares only about survival, and it kicks us into fight, flight, or freeze mode in order to survive. It generates tons of stress chemicals and narrows our thinking so we lose all perspective.

If you find that you're in a very reactive state, doing those things that can help you reset physiologically is very helpful. Going for a walk, talking to a friend, breathing diaphragmatically, whatever helps you reset is the first thing to do.

Remember that our reactivity as well as our moods are physical as well as emotional.

I know this isn't easy, but if we can separate enough from the situation physically , simply calming our physical body, it can have a huge impact.

Concept #2: Distance From Your Thoughts

So the main concept to keep in mind when we start talking about challenging negative thoughts, and hopefully replacing them, is the feeling of distance from your thoughts.

So you may have heard this referred to as Cognitive Distancing within CBT or Cognitive Defusion in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT Therapy). This was also a concept utilized more than 2000 years ago in Ancient Greece and Rome by the Stoics who were focused on figuring out how to live a happy life. And even earlier, this concept was a core component of Buddhist thinking: that by watching our thoughts and not totally buying into them, we could improve our happiness. So, I just give you that background so you know this is a well developed concept, part of many wisdom traditions.

So let's talk about five techniques to distance from your thoughts.

#1 Method to Distance From Your Thoughts: Observe the Patterns

When you're in a negative thinking mode, what are the themes that are driving that negative thinking? How familiar are those to you? If you can jot down or somehow note the typical patterns, it will help you begin to see the patterns and you can say to yourself, “Oh yeah, there I go again.”

“There I go again with negative thinking about the future.”

Or “There I go again thinking I'm not good enough.”

So these patterns were probably developed very, very early and they are often subconscious. We may not even be aware of them until we begin to observe our thoughts and think through the patterns.

Observing your thoughts is facilitated through psychotherapy, meditation, mindfulness, and practice, practice, practice.

#2 Method to Distance From Your Thoughts: Label Your Thoughts

What category of thought does this negative thought fall into? Is it about the future? Is it about worrying what people think about you? Is it rumination? Is it anxiety?

You can come up with a variety of labels, but just the act of labeling the thought helps.

You can observe and say to yourself, “This thought is rumination”

Or “This thought is about projecting the future.”

Labeling thoughts enables us to look at them and not be totally in them.

When we're totally in our thoughts, we are fused with our thoughts.

Next week I’ll be coming out with a video and blog on cognitive diffusion and fusion. In the meantime, cognitive fusion is when your thoughts become you.

I can relate to this because there were times in my life during which I frequently catastrophized about the future. When that happened, if was almost as if I was living it. I could see the entire thing unfold, my body was feeling the stress chemicals, sometimes I could even cry. About something that hadn’t happened…

I had all the stress chemicals churning as if it were happening and it wasn't happening. So that's cognitive fusion.

#3 Method to Distance From Your Thoughts: Create Folders for Different Types of Thoughts

I think this is a fun one because we're all used to creating folders. Many of us no longer create them physically in file drawers, but we create them on our computers.

Either way, you can create folders in your mind and label them with your most common cognitive distortions. You could have one folder for catastrophizing and another for magical thinking, if those are your “go-to’s”.

Picture these folders in your file cabinet or on your computer. And whenever you have a thought that falls into that category, visualize peeling it out of your brain and putting it in the folder. Repeat with each thought. Peel it out, put it in the folder.

#4 Method to Distance From Your Thoughts: Zoom Out

Another technique that I love is zooming out.

Picture the event that's happening that is giving you negative thoughts, or picture the event that your negative thoughts are creating.

Picture the event on a TV.

Visualize that TV and that entire event getting further and further and further away from you. So it gets smaller and smaller and smaller.

And when the TV is far in the distance, take a deep breath, look around yourself, see what else is around. Breathe in the sights, smells, and sounds that are actually around you, the things that are actually happening right now, in this moment.

#5 Method to Distance From Your Thoughts: Go Deeper

The four techniques above won't solve this problem fully. They're great things to practice and it's great to integrate them into your other self-help techniques. The more you practice these, the more you will feel a transformation.

However, since for so many of us, the negative thinking came from very early negative experiences, it is deeply embedded in the older parts of our brain. This makes it very hard to control that reactivity that we talked about because these thoughts just go: Boom! Right to the amygdala.

Often to really change negative thinking and habits that aren't serving, you have to go deeper than simply the cognitive behavioral work. And most of the work I put out online, and then definitely my online programs bring you to that deeper level.

Identifying the core negative beliefs underneath your negative thinking and then learning to rewire these beliefs is critical. Understanding why these beliefs developed will help you have self-compassion, which facilitates healing.

I'm coming out with a new program this November, the first live program I've done in two years. This program, Break Free: Overcome Negative Beliefs , is designed to give you a breakthrough in three weeks. I’ll guide you, in a gentle and compassionate manner, to identify exactly what your core belief is, and to understand how and why it developed. We’ll then develop a reasonably stated positive core belief which you can work with and strengthen through specific techniques we will practice together. I'd love to have you join me!

When you investigate these beliefs in a deep way, you will develop self-compassion, a key for healing. And that's how you're going to begin to transform this stuff on a really deep level.

Whether you do this work with me, or through traditional therapy or in another manner, I encourage you to do the work! You are WORTH IT!

What if Your Negative Beliefs are True?

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 16 Oct 2024 01:57:57 GMT

You hear all the advice about changing your negative thinking, but...

...what if your thoughts are realistic?

Sometimes negative thoughts are valid, right?

So how can you tell if your thoughts are realistic or if they fall into the untrue and problematic arena, the type of thoughts that are holding you back in life?

We all have tons and tons of thoughts every single day, and a good portion of them are negative. The human brain actually has something called a negativity bias which is geared to keep us safe. It's geared to protect us from danger. It helps us anticipate problems and then hopefully figure out solutions.

So some of our thinking is going to be overly negative because we do have the bias to be negative, but sometimes it's also realistic.

But If your negative thinking falls into a problematic category, it's well proven that it can lead to anxiety or depression or both. Chronic negative thinking has been tied to poor decision-making, decreased productivity and self-sabotaging behaviors. So those are some pretty serious consequences from chronic negative thinking.

So let's talk about whether your negative thinking is realistic or not.

I'm going to share with you six characteristics of problematic negative thinking, so you can think about whether your thinking falls into the problematic arena or if it is, in fact, realistic.

#1 Characteristic of Problematic Negative Thinking

Problematic negative thinking has very common themes, almost like a broken record. Now, I know a lot of people don't have that much experience with records, but I did when I was young and a broken record, if it's got a little skip in it, repeats, repeats, repeats, repeats.

Negative thoughts about yourself or the world that are on constant repeat become beliefs.

Common themes could be “I'm a loser.” “Life's unfair.” “The world is lousy.” “People are not trustworthy.” And these themes pop up in one situation after another.

#2 Characteristic of Problematic Negative Thinking

Problematic negative thinking is automatic. It pops up.

It doesn't take a lot of effort. You don't have to sit down and puzzle through what really was the problem.

Your brain just immediately goes … "Boom! That happened because:

I'm stupid
I'm a loser
The world's unfair.”

And for some people, these thoughts are so automatic, they are intrusive, just popping up over and over.

#3 Characteristic of Problematic Negative Thinking

Negative thinking is not helpful, it is disempowering. These thoughts don't lead you to an action or a solution.

For example, If you were at a social event and you said something you shouldn't have said and your negative thinking is NOT problematic, you walk away from the event and you say to yourself, “Hm, I shouldn't have said that. I need to remind myself at social events to slow down and think things through a little bit more because sometimes I can pop out with these impulsive things. So I'm going to keep that in mind for the future.”

The type of negative thinking that is unhelpful would go over the situation and over it. And you’d probably be labeling yourself: “I'm rude.” “I'm stupid.” “People don't like me.” “Nobody likes me.” “I will never be able to overcome having done that.” Does that seem familiar?

The problematic negative thinking leaves you powerless because, well, if I'm just stupid, then there's nothing I can do about that. I'm just stupid. Or if I'm just rude, that's just inherently who I am, I can't do anything about it. So I might as well just sort of crawl into a hole in my room.

It doesn't lead to a productive action.

#4 Characteristic of Problematic Negative Thinking

The thinking is very distorted. It uses absolutes. It uses always or never. It uses “you statements” or statements like “The world is…”.

“The world is lousy.” “Life is unfair.”

Those are very definitive, absolute statements. There's no nuance. There's no sophisticated analysis happening.

“I'm worthless.” It's just a blanket statement, completely one-sided.

This is where the concept of cognitive distortions can come in.

Problematic negative thinking often involves Labeling, Magical Thinking and Catastrophizing.

If you can mentally open up a little bit in order to say to yourself, “Okay, cognitive distortions have been pretty well proven through lots of research and lots of study of the human brain. And distorted means it's distorted. It's not true. So if I'm using cognitive distortions in my negative thinking, let me at least open my brain up a little bit to say, okay, maybe it really isn't true and I am just stuck in it.”

And it's that type of willingness that really will help you change this in the long run.

#5 Characteristic of Problematic Negative Thinking

These thoughts are so believable to you that it is hard for you to question them. You might just accept these as facts about yourself and the world. You may not even be led to question them until people start telling you to question them.

Or you might know this thought is distorted and I should question it. But you really can't because you believe it so firmly.

[So I talk about this in a video that I recently released that I would highly recommend you watch, called Overcome Limiting Beliefs. And I do have a section in there where I talk about the clients I had when I was a psychotherapist who held these negative beliefs about themselves so intently they would argue with me about them. And I talk a little bit about why that is and where that comes from in that video].

But basically negative statements on repeat equal beliefs. And I guess your beliefs can come from having that negative thinking on repeat, but probably those beliefs developed very, very early, which is one reason it's really hard to question them.

The earlier this thinking developed, the more ingrained it is in the older parts of your brain, the emotional brain. It's subconscious. It's just automatically there.

Okay, I'm going to share with you the sixth characteristic, and then I'm going to run through a couple of questions that will help you think these things through.

But before that, I want to share two things. One is that I have a free PDF on Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs . Negative core beliefs are almost always at the root of negative thinking. This PDF helps you identify what that core belief is for you, why it might've developed and it gives you some techniques to transform it. And then I also have a free webinar called Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence . In this webinar, I discuss the negativity bias that we have and how our brains get trained through our patterns and life experiences in a way that can hold us back. Repetitive grooves are created in our brain, but these can be rewired. I encourage you to utilize both of those resources.]

#6 Characteristic of Problematic Negative Thinking

The sixth characteristic of problematic negative thinking is that it's rigid. Rigidity of thought has been tied to unhappiness. The healthiest kind of thinking is flexible. It adapts to situations and changing information, changing experiences. And most repetitive negative thinking is very rigid. “This is how it is. And anybody who doesn't believe this is wrong and stupid and naive. Anyone who doesn't believe that the world is a lousy place is naive.”

There's no room for other opinions. There's no room to say, “Maybe my thoughts aren't quite true. Maybe the beliefs that have developed from my thoughts have been biased.” So if you can identify that rigidity in your thinking, it helps to point to you that your thinking is not the “needed” thoughts that are negative, but the problematic thinking. And the problematic thinking can be changed!

Questions to help you think about your thinking

Thinking about your thinking is called metacognition. It is a great tool for distancing from our thoughts enough to analyze them.

Cognitive fusion is fusing with your thoughts, becoming one. Cognitive defusion helps you separate from your thoughts so you can look AT them, not be IN them..

How familiar are these thoughts?
When did you first have these thoughts?
Was there an initial incident that led you to thinking this way about yourself or the world? Or have you kind of just always thought this way?
Are you able to see this situation from multiple perspectives?
Are you able to see that somebody might have a different view of you or a different view of the world that is valid?
Is the story that you're telling yourself with these negative thoughts, does it give you the power to act? Is it an empowering story or a disempowering story?

Next week I’ll be releasing a video and a blog on how to challenge your negative thinking, focused on the solution, Today’s blog was focused on helping you identify whether you should consider changing your negative thinking, whether you should consider these thoughts as false, as invalid.

Because if you don’t begin to question the validity of your negative thinking, making any progress toward changing this thinking will be very difficult. Believing it is possible is key!

Begin by watching your thoughts, observing them, and analyzing them, so you can watch the thought instead of watching the world through those thoughts.

Okay, I truly hope this was helpful. Please comment below and let me know!

Overcome Limiting Beliefs: 3 Questions to Ask

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 08 Oct 2024 18:53:26 GMT

If your limiting beliefs are holding you back and you are struggling with how to change them, I have three questions for you to ask yourself.

#1: Does this belief really belong to you... or does it belong to someone else?

We generally get our limiting beliefs from difficult situations in our lives or relationships with difficult people, and sometimes we internalize what they say about us, which may or may not even be their belief… but it becomes our belief.

Or other times we can absorb a belief from a caregiver or someone we're close to who believes it about themselves. We can absorb a limiting belief, almost by osmosis, from our caregivers when we're young. So really think through, is this your belief or does this belief really belong to somebody else? Did someone in your life believe this about themselves or the world?

#2 : Is your belief based in the fact that you are uniquely unusually horribly, [X, Y, Z]. Do you believe that most people are not this way, but you are just uniquely bad or uniquely worthless or uniquely unlucky?

If your belief is based on this type of thinking, it is, for sure, false.

In working with clients over 20 years, this would come up when we were working on transforming their limiting beliefs.

Because I'd say, “If this happened to somebody else, would you think [x, y or z] about them?” And they'd always respond, “No, of course not, but they're a good person!”

“Well then why did this experience make you think you are a bad person?” I would ask.

It would come down to a primitive belief that developed extremely early in life.

I don't know how many of my videos you watch or blogs you read, but I hope if you watch enough of them, you'll get a feeling that we are all very much alike.

We are all more alike than we are different. Many of us have the same types of thought patterns and similar struggles, all around the world.

We have a lot in common.

Just because we feel we are bad, or stupid, or selfish, does not mean we are. And if we feel we are unusually any of these things, we can rest assured we are not.

So that's a question to really look into for yourself.

#3 What is the gain to you of having this limiting belief?

This is also a challenging question, and it can be hard to get your head around.

Generally, when we have some kind of counterproductive behavior or habit, there's some type of hidden gain.

And it might be that your limiting belief is protecting you from something. Or trying to protect you.

These beliefs develop early because they are trying to protect us, and trying to protect the relationship with our caregiver

Let me give you an example. Let's say you'd like to get a new job, but you have a limiting belief that you are just not good enough.

That limiting belief might be protecting you from being disappointed. That belief, that part of yourself that holds that belief, doesn't want you to go after that job and then be disappointed.

But honestly, let's say you're not good enough and you apply for the job and you don't get it. So what, right?

But the part of you that holds that limiting belief yells, “No! No, don't even bother!” Because it is avoiding disappointment.

We do a lot of things to avoid certain emotions. And weirdly, I would say, and I know this in myself and saw it with my clients, we try so hard to avoid being disappointed.

The other emotions we really, really try to avoid are embarrassment, shame and sadness.

Many people get very anxious about situations that are truly sad. They just don’t want to feel the sadness. They don’t want to acknowledge their powerlessness to change a situation, so they will stay in anxiety trying to fix something they can’t fix. And, meanwhile, they’ll continue to talk negatively to themselves, beating themselves up about not being able to fix whatever needs fixing.

All to avoid accepting the reality of a situation that is simply sad.

I do believe it is healthier to let ourselves feel those emotions than to get tied in a knot avoiding the feelings.

So, notice if your limiting belief is helping to protect you from feeling one of those super uncomfortable emotions.

So I do want to let you know I'm about to launch a new program live .

I haven't done a live program in about two years, but it will be a live program on transforming your negative core beliefs. It'll be webinar format.

You'll be able to directly ask me questions via chat and text. You won't have to show your face on a screen, as I know many people don't like that. But you'll be able to listen in, ask questions, and I'll help you drill down into what your true core belief is and what a reasonably adaptive positive belief might be.

And then we'll go through the methods that you can practice on your own to really transform them from the core. More information is here: Break Free: Overcome Negative Core Belief

Self-Criticism and Your Inner Critic

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Thu, 19 Sep 2024 14:34:00 GMT

Is Your Inner Critic Torturing You?

Step #1

Analyze HOW your inner critic speaks to you.

By analyzing what words and methods the inner critic uses, you can recognize the destructive elements.

if you're looking for ways to stop your self-criticism, my guess is that your inner critic primarily use the elements of destructive criticism.

If your inner critic actually gives you a critique, which would be an analysis of what went right, what went wrong, what you might try next time, where you might want to put in a little more effort, well then, that is great That is the voice we want to develop.

I recently did a series of videos on destructive versus constructive criticism, which you can access here , or a recent blog, which you can access here.

Destructive criticism, whether it's internal or external, uses a lot of “you” statements and labeling. “You are a slob.” ”You are worthless.”

“You don't know how to do this at all .” “You fail at everything .”

This is actually condemnation. It's certainly not a critique, it's not an analysis of the problem. So when your inner critic jumps in with something destructive like “You are a slob!”, ask it, “Can you rephrase that? I'm hearing that you are feeling like you're a slob. So I know you're upset that I just spilled the entire pot of chili on myself, and you want me to be more careful next time, right?”

Constructive criticism is specific and actionable. There is a shared agenda between the criticizer and the one being criticized. Constructive criticism does not use broad language which condemns the person’s entire being, personality or morals.

I know this won’t be easy, but bringing these concepts to mind will help you make progress, slowly but surely.

Step #2

Recognize that your self-criticism is made up of automatic thoughts.

The situations might vary, so some of the content might vary. But the basis of the self-criticism is automatic. The same patterns, the same “themes.”

We all have automatic thoughts. We have a gazillion thoughts a day, and I'd say most of them are automatic. They just happen.

We don't have to take them all seriously.

Automatic thoughts are usually repetitive, and they feel like they're true, but that doesn't mean they're true.

Begin to look AT your thoughts. Separate from them a bit and look at them. This helps to develop space, so YOU are separate from your THOUGHTS. You don’t have to be totally IN the thought.

When your inner critic jumps in with some destructive criticism, you can say “that's an automatic thought” and label it.

Labeling the thought creates even more distance between you and your thoughts.

Step #3

Recognize where this inner voice came from.

For most people, the self-criticism and the inner critic come from an internalized voice of a parental figure or someone very important in your life when you were a child. Now, many, many people can recognize right away, “Oh yeah, that's the way my dad used to talk to me.”

As most of you know, I was a psychotherapist for 20 years helping people with these issues of automatic thoughts, anxiety, self-criticism.

Most clients could identify the parental figure who spoke to them in the way they now speak to themselves.

But some clients didn't recognize that voice. They would say, “No, nobody ever talked to me that way… but I know that my mother felt that way…” Or, “Well, that's how my father talked to himself.”

Sometimes children absorb these patterns by osmosis. Since children identify closely with a parent, they can take on the parents' patterns, even if the parent explicitly warns them not to.

I've also seen this voice develop from school bullying. People who were bullied in school often develop an internalized voice which repeats what the bullies would say.

A child's identity develops because of the people around them and the way that they are responded to. Early in life, the primary caregivers have the most influence, and then the school environment becomes an influence beginning with grade school.

Unfortunately, if we have a parent who was damaged very young themselves, and they treat us as if we are damaged, we develop a self-concept that we are damaged. But, in fact, we were being treated as if we were damaged because the other person was damaged. Not because we were damaged.

But very young children believe their parents. And if the parent is abusive, the child internalizes that. And even if you hit an age where you know the abuse wasn’t your fault and wasn’t because of your failing, your “old brain” retains the old information.

However, a good first step is to begin to see your internalized voice differently, knowing where it came from.

A word of caution: If you can identify where the voice came from, remember that it is still your internalized voice , separate from the person it came from.

Let me clarify this. I've had clients who've said, “Well, that's my mom's voice. It's never going to go away.”

So, no, it's actually not your mom's voice. It's your internalized version of your mom's voice .

So it is separate from their voice, and it is yours, and you can change it.

Step #4

Recognize the main purpose of this voice: it is actually trying to protect you. Now, I know that probably sounds totally nuts, but if you really think it through, that voice developed to try to protect you, to keep you connected to your caregivers or to other people.

Let me give you an example. Let's say you were bullied as a kid. Let's say you were a boy and one day, second grade, you began to cry about something and the other kids just jumped in with, “You’re a cry baby! Cry baby! Cry baby!”

That whole year you were called “cry baby.”

Well, you're going to develop an internalized voice that says, “Don't cry, don't cry.”

And every time you feel like crying, your internalized voice is going to say to you, “You're a cry baby! Stop crying. You're weak. You're useless.”

The internalized voice goes on a rant. Why? Because it doesn't want that to happen to you again. It doesn't want you to cry because it doesn't want other people to pick on you. It wants you to be able to be comfortable in the classroom around other kids.

This might be a simplified example, but I think it illustrates clearly the “protective” nature of the voice. With a little bit of investigation, you'll be able to figure out what your internalized voice was trying to protect you from.

In its own way, it is still trying to protect you now. However, you no longer need this protection, and the voice is maintaining the abusive and torturing you.

Another example: Let’s say you had a mom who would withdraw to her bedroom anytime you were “difficult.” She would call you selfish whenever she wanted to retreat. Then she'd go into her bedroom, slam the door, and leave you alone for hours.

Well, your internalized voice is going to begin telling yourself that you're selfish. “Don't be selfish. That was selfish. You're a horrible, selfish person.” It will do this for two reasons. One, it believes the parent. Two, it doesn't want to be abandoned. It believes that if it can keep you from being selfish, mom won’t run into the bedroom.

Let me know if this makes sense to you. You can put a comment below.

Step #5

Develop self-compassion.

Develop self-compassion both for this inner critic, this part of yourself that was trying to protect you, and for the parts of yourself that you feel aren't worthy.

This definitely takes time. But just opening to the concept that it IS possible to develop self-compassion is important.

And then try to bring a little more self-compassion into the voice with which you speak to yourself.

Step #6

Develop a positive inner coach.

Over time, helping this “protector” voice develop into an inner positive coach or an inner positive parent is important.

If you were lucky enough to have a parental figure who was encouraging and helpful, bring that person’s voice to mind. It could have been a grandparent, a teacher, an uncle or aunt, or even a sports coach. It does not have to be your primary caregiver.

If you were not so lucky, you can choose a fictional character from a movie or novel, or bring in the voice of a kind, caring therapist. You can try to channel this voice.

(Very often people do internalize the compassionate, kind voice of their therapist. I would have clients tell me that my voice would pop up when they were in a difficult situation and they would bring in what I would say).

When your inner critic is destructive and nasty, you can think through how the positive person would have phrased that. The inner critic may argue with you about this voice, and that is ok. You don’t need to convince your inner critic right away. But balancing that voice with a positive, helpful voice is important.

But this takes work. Practice.

I'm actually about to launch a live program (for the first time in almost two years!) that will help you transform your negative core beliefs.

Negative core beliefs, developed in childhood, are the ones the inner critic uses. They are the ones we torture ourselves with.

I have a free PDF “Transform your Negative Core Beliefs .” If you download it, you'll be on my mailing list and you'll be the first to be notified when I launch this new program.

Most importantly, know you CAN transform this inner critic. You can help shift this inner critic to an encouraging, kind, helpful coach or parent. A voice that will sustain you and support you rather than drag you down.

How to Deal with Criticism

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 18 Sep 2024 14:37:06 GMT

Do you struggle with how to deal with criticism?

How to respond, what to take in, what not to take in?

Part One: How to Respond to Criticism in the Moment

The most important thing to do in the moment when you are receiving criticism is to stay emotionally regulated.

Try to prevent your fight, flight, freeze response from taking over.

One of my favorite tools for this is diaphragmatic breathing. You can do it on the spot.

And if you know you're going into a situation where you might be criticized or you’ll be receiving a critique, using the diaphragmatic breathing ahead of time will help.

Another tip to help you stay grounded and emotionally regulated is to remember that criticism is an opinion. It's not a fact.

If somebody is criticizing you, you are hearing their opinion.

Try to be curious about what they're saying and what you're hearing. Is there something you want to clarify? Are you curious why they hold that opinion?

Even if your curiosity is, “why is this person even giving me this criticism?” that shift in focus will help enormously.

That curiosity can be very protective. It will help you emotionally regulate and you might actually get some useful information.

Next tip, with regard to a response in the moment, is to try to not become defensive. This is really hard for most of us.

However, if there is something you need to defend yourself about, you will have time later and it will come across better when you are more emotionally regulated.

Lastly, in the moment, try not to counter attack.

For example, if you receive criticism from a friend who complains that you're always late, you might be tempted to jump in with an aggressive response: “You're just too rigid!”

This is really not going to move the conversation in a productive way. Remember you don’t have to lay out your defense and attack immediately. You can take some time to think it through and approach it with a more problem-solving approach.

Part Two: Analyze the Criticism

Usually when we receive criticism or a critique or feedback, we have time to reflect on it afterward. It is definitely worth taking that time.

The first thing to analyze is whether the criticism was delivered constructively or destructively.

Constructive criticism is specific to the situation, and there is something the person can do about it. Destructive criticism is usually very general, and often there is nothing the person can do about it.

Another element of constructive criticism is that the person who is criticizing you has the “right” to criticize you or it is appropriate to the relationship. So, yes, your boss has the right to give you a critique, a coworker, maybe not.

Sometimes we give the right to somebody to give us feedback or a comment or critique, which is criticism. We might say to a friend, “Do you like this outfit on me?” So then if they comment back, we've given them the right to comment on our outfit. But if a total stranger approaches us on the street and gives us their opinion on our outfit, that person has no relationship to us and therefore the criticism can be destructive.

Lastly, with constructive criticism, the agenda is clear.

If this is your boss at work, the agenda is pretty clear: you want to keep your job and your boss wants you to do a good job. However, if the boss is personally attacking you (we’ll discuss the language of that below), then the agenda becomes unclear – is the boss’ main agenda to vent their own stress? Is there an agenda to shame you? Neither of those would be your agenda, and this would obviously be destructive.

Another example of an agenda not being clear could be in a spousal relationship where one person is always criticizing the other one for being too messy. There is probably a hidden message underneath that criticism. The criticism might be driven by a feeling of “You don't support me, you don't value my time, you don't consider me.”

There's something underneath it that isn't being articulated clearly.

And the other part of the agenda possibly not being shared could be a difference in opinion in terms of how clean your home needs to be.

Finding the shared agenda is a way to flip destructive criticism into constructive. For example, a more productive approach could start with “So, we both want a peaceful household. How do we achieve that given that we have different views of cleanliness?”

And then a big problem with destructive criticism is that it almost always uses “you statements,” labeling of the other person.

“You're so selfish.” “You are irresponsible.” “Youre mean.”

These are broad condemnations of you as a person.

As you reflect on the criticism you've received, you can put it in the category of constructive or destructive. You might also separate it out into which parts were constructive, and which were destructive.

Part Three: How to Respond to Destructive Criticism:

If the criticism is destructive, know that it is more about the other person's mood than about you.

It is more about their frustration, or anger, or maybe some underlying feelings that they don't want to admit.

Destructive criticism is often an attack. There's not always that much you can do to respond to destructive criticism because if you respond with defensiveness or with a counterattack, it usually gets worse.

If you're receiving destructive criticism, it is worth considering whether the relationship is worth the effort to try to find out what the real problem is, to go underneath whatever they are saying to find the real message.

For example, let’s say you receive destructive criticism from a boss, yet it's a job you love. You don't want to leave your job.

Perhaps you can be the more emotionally mature person in the relationship, and utilize curiosity to think through and find out what the real problem is?

Perhaps your boss is overly stressed and has too big of a burden on them. If you think this is at its root, then it is clear that this is really not about you.

And while nobody should have to deal with being treated poorly, and nobody should have to be on the receiving end of that kind of criticism, (including you!), you might be motivated to think through how to deal with the situation to your own advantage.

If you want to try to shift the conversation, see if you can shift it towards problem solving. You could go back to your boss and say, “Look, I can see how much pressure is on you.”

Starting with some kind of connection to the person or understanding what they're dealing with can be very helpful.

“I can see how much pressure there is on you and I do want to help, but for me to make some changes, I need more support in these areas.” Or maybe you have an idea about how to make something more efficient. Or you require more time to do something,

Shifting it to problem solving, if the relationship is worth it.

If the relationship or job is not worth it, and you are just on the receiving end of destructive criticism which you can't immediately get away from, you can just say, “Thank you for your feedback.” You really don’t have to say anything else in the moment.

And then you can look for ways to limit the interaction with that person.

(Responding to destructive criticism is complicated, so I hope to come out with further material on this. Drop a comment below if you want me to go into that topic more).

Part Four: Responding to Constructive Criticism

Okay, so let's say the criticism you received is mostly constructive.

What was your internal response to the criticism? Understanding your internal response is probably the KEY element within the overall topic of how to respond.

If you had a huge emotional response to the criticism, despite the fact that it was delivered in a constructive way, it probably hit a sore spot in you.

When we have oversized reactions to things, it is usually because of a deep wound from prior relationships or experiences. The worst wounds are usually from childhood. If you are aware that you are having a much larger emotional response than needed, it is worth taking some time to self-soothe and explore what has come up for you. The situation has probably hit a negative belief that we already have about ourselves. The situation and criticism is triggering that belief and that is why it is so upsetting to us.

Healing these negative core beliefs will benefit you in the long run (not just when receiving criticism!). There are many ways to work on this. As a therapist, I found EMDR therapy super effective (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy).

I do have a number of videos on EMDR therapy . It is a very effective technique for healing those childhood wounds and negative core beliefs.

And then I also want to share with you that I do have a free PDF Transform your Negative Core Belief . (It helps you identify exactly what that core belief is and it provides three techniques to rewire the beliefs into more adaptive positive beliefs. Many people have found it super helpful.)

I'm about to launch a live program for the first time in almost two years, that will help you transform your negative core beliefs. If you download the PDF, you will be on my mailing list and will be one of the first people informed when the program is launched!

in general, just know that if you are having an oversized reaction to criticism that was constructively delivered, it's probably hit that sore spot.

So to self-soothe, try to separate the issues in your mind. Come back to the present moment.

Tell yourself that the criticism does not confirm your negative core belief, which is old and not relevant to today’s situation. Focus on what you need to do about the criticism today.

Once you’ve calmed your internal response to the criticism, you can move on to these tips:

1) Ask yourself whether you agree with the criticism. Remember that criticism is an opinion. Do you agree with this opinion or not? You get to use your own critical thinking about whether or not it's valid.

2) And then another question is, do you need more info? Do you need more info to know whether it's valid or what you should do about it?

Often when we receive feedback from somebody, we don’t immediately think of questions for them about it. Sometimes it is helpful to go back and ask some clarifying information.

3) And finally, think through whether it is worth it to you to make this change.

A criticism is almost always a veiled request.

It's a request by the other person for you to do something differently. Is it worth it to you to make that change? Are you capable of making that change?

When you go back to the person to respond directly to their criticism, my main suggestions are to keep the focus on problem solving and keep the focus on the shared agenda.

What is the common agenda between you and this person? What do you both want out of the relationship? What do you both want out of the situation?

I’d like to empower you to understand that you have the right and the ability to assess the criticism you're receiving and to decide whether you want to accept it or not.

You get to decide whether you want to integrate it into your work and your personal relationships going forward or not.

And I would love to hear from you. I am open to criticism. :) You can comment below

Let me know if this was useful, and share with someone you think might enjoy this blog!

Constructive Criticism VS Destructive Criticism

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Sat, 17 Aug 2024 20:53:13 GMT

What makes criticism CONSTRUCTIVE instead of DESTRUCTIVE?
Criticism expresses a desire for something to change. Increase your chance of success by delivering it in a way the other person can hear!

Constructive criticism is much more effective both for the giver and for the receiver. And yet I'd say that most of the criticism we receive is destructive. And possibly a lot of the criticism that we give is destructive.

Destructive criticism triggers a fight-flight-freeze response in the listener. Destructive criticism triggers our defensiveness. So if you're giving criticism because you want something to change, it is much better to figure out how to say it so the other person can hear it. And then if you're on the receiving end, it's great to know what is destructive criticism, because you may not need to respond to it.

What is Constructive Criticism?

Let's talk about the components of constructive criticism:

Number one: It is specific to the situation

Number two: There's something you can do about it.

Number three: The person who's giving the criticism has the right to give it, meaning it is relevant to the relationship between the two people.

Number four: The agenda is clear and usually shared.

If somebody gives you well-thought-out, constructive criticism, it does show an investment in the relationship. There's actually always a desire underneath criticism.

And if you're on the receiving end and you can hear that desire, it will help. Just to give you a very quick example on that one, if you have a supervisor or boss at work who takes the time to sit down with you and talk you through some of the things that you could do to improve, that person is invested in your success.

What is Destructive Criticism?

Number one: Destructive Criticism is general, it is not specific to a situation.

Number two: Very often there's nothing the person can do about it. In fact, very often destructive criticism really comes out and comes across as a condemnation of the other person. That's why if you are invested in the relationship and you would like something to change, using components of destructive criticism will not achieve what you want because it really does come across as a condemnation.

Number three: Destructive criticism is sometimes given by people who have the “right” to give it, or it's relevant to the relationship, but not always.

Number four: The agenda is often not clear with destructive criticism.

The Language of Destructive Criticism

Importantly, the language of destructive criticism differs from constructive criticism.

Destructive criticism often uses labeling. “You are a jerk.” “You're selfish.” “You're too reckless.” All of those are labeling the person, as if they can be summed up with one or two words. It is very demeaning.

Other language that goes with destructive criticism is “always” or ”never. “ “You always mess up our plans.” “You never do the dishes.” Using “always” and “never,” that's broad. That's not specific to a situation.

In general, “you statements” tend to trigger the defensive response in the other person. And usually when we use “you statements," it is mainly to express our own frustration. It's releasing our anxiety, angst, anger.

All of us can do this sometimes when we're stressed. There's nobody who does this perfectly. But it is important to keep in mind to avoid those “you statements,” avoid the “always, never” and avoid the labels.

One of the last things I want to highlight about the language used in destructive criticism is very often people will bring in unnamed third parties. “Everyone thinks that you are ‘_____’ .” “Everyone in the family says…” , right? It could sometimes even be, “Well, my therapist says you are… [blah].” Bringing in an outside authority to bolster your case is actually very destructive. And if you think through the aspects that I outlined for constructive vs destructive, pulling in a third party is vague, it's not specific. It increases the other person’s fight, flight, freeze response.

So not helpful.

The video I released today goes through an example of how to turn destructive criticism into constructive with regard to a personal issue (living with someone who “never” does the dishes) and with regard to a work situation.

In both of these, you will see that constructive criticism focuses on p roblem-solving . Ideally, criticism is meant to solve a problem.

So the last point I’d like to address in this blog is a pretty major point.

Why We Might Express Criticism Destructively

If we feel that we deserve to have what we are looking for, we are much more able to deliver criticisms constructively. If we feel we deserve to have a supportive partner, to have someone at work who steps up, if we really feel that our desire is valid (because criticism actually expresses a desire!), then we deliver the criticism much more smoothly.

And when I say we feel we deserve the support, I don't mean self-righteousness. Self-righteousness is actually driven by the opposite, a lack of confidence that you truly deserve it. Self-righteous statements such as “I always do the dishes, you never do the dishes” reflect our lack of confidence.

Let me know what you think about my statement that when we don't give criticism well, it's really tied to a feeling that we don't really deserve this. I'd be curious if that resonates for you or not. (You can comment below!).

If you think of this when you're on the receiving end of destructive criticism: at core that person has negative beliefs about themselves that are preventing them from presenting their request for change in a reasonable way. So knowing that may not make it any more pleasant, but it might make it easier for you to boundary yourself and not take it as personally.

And then if you're the deliverer, it is worth thinking through: What's the negative core belief that is underneath this problem? How do I shift that core belief?

So, for example, if we grew up in a household where our needs were minimized, if not ignored, we were taught that other people's needs were more important. If we grew up with this feeling of “I can't really rely on anyone else” and “My needs aren't as important as everybody else's needs,” this can follow us throughout life until we heal from it.

Perhaps you get into a marriage where even though your partner's a good person, they are perfectly happy to let you do everything around the house. And then at some point you realize you don't like it and you want to change it, but your approach is driven by resentment and self-righteousness. You might know you have the right to expect it, but you’re not really feeling that you have that right.

If you FEEL you have that right, you can deliver that message much more smoothly, much more effectively. You'll deliver it in a way that the other person can hear it, and a change can be implemented.

So I do have a free PDF Transform Your Negative Core Belief . It helps you walk through different situations that might've developed a particular negative belief, and then it provides ways to transform that into a reasonably stated positive belief. A lot of people have found this super, super helpful. You can download it here .

Healthy vs Unhealthy Competition: The Psychology of Competition

Wed, 07 Aug 2024 15:21:00 GMT

A healthy attitude towards competition can actually create happiness, whereas an unhealthy attitude towards competition can really make us miserable.

If your self-esteem is based on winning, you'll actually never have good self-esteem. So let's talk about the psychology of competition and what makes healthy competition and what makes unhealthy competition.

Today’s blog will talk about where human competitiveness comes from, what healthy competition looks like and what unhealthy competition looks like, and it will delve into the deeper issues underlying unhealthy competition. An unhealthy sense of competition can make us miserable, and a healthy sense of competition can motivate and inspire us.

Where Does Competitiveness Come From?

Competitiveness is a deeply ingrained trait in all humans in one way or another. It’s an evolutionary trait that helped us survive, both on an individual level and as a species. Competitiveness helped us access the resources we need to live.

Competitiveness can be seen as the striving for resources to survive. The competitiveness to find a mate helped the survival of the species.

Some level of competition has formed every society humans live in. Sometimes that competition can be collaborative and other times it is not at all. If you look at any species, you can observe competitiveness, both collaborative and individualistic.

So this deeply ingrained aspect of human behavior both influences our individual success and happiness, and it also influences societal progress or lack thereof.

Competition as a Major Motivator

Within psychology, competition is seen as a major motivator driving us towards success. It can be driving us there in a way that's healthy for us, which psychologists would call adaptive: adaptive to our environment and to our health and happiness. Or it could be driving us in a way that's maladaptive, both destructive for us and destructive for others in society.

On the positive side, it gives us the drive to train, to improve, to develop new skills. It can even motivate us to collaborate with others so that we can all be more successful. It can lead us to trying to find creative solutions and it can be a driver of innovation.

On the flip side, unhealthy competition can have a number of outcomes. Our competitiveness can cause us to cheat, to be unfair, to disparage those we are competing against. And in those cases, we might even succeed at winning, but we don't actually feel good about ourselves.

Or unhealthy competition could be turned inward in terms of self-criticism leading to depression and unhappiness.

An unhealthy relationship with competition can also lead us to burnout. We can push and push too much until we burn out.

And for some people, they have such a negative concept of competition that they never get in the game. They stay on the sidelines either because they don't feel that they can compete, they don't feel “good enough.” Or they might feel guilty if they do compete and win. Feeling guilty about winning is seeing competition as a zero sum game

What is Healthy Competition VS Unhealthy Competition?

Focus on Process vs Progress:
Healthy competition focuses on the process and the progress that you might make. It may also focus somewhat on the outcome, right? Because that's the goal of whatever activity we're engaged in. But if we are too focused on the outcome, it can end up being unhealthy. If we focus more on the process of how we're going to get there, the enjoyment of the game so to speak, or the enjoyment of the challenge for ourselves, then it can actually be a life enhancing feeling, a life-enhancing drive. But in that healthy view, the outcome is seen as part of the journey, not the entire thing. With an unhealthy sense of competition, the focus is entirely on the outcome because, at essence, there's a feeling that you are not worthwhile if you do not win. So much rides on winning that it's actually like whether you're a worthwhile human being or not. And that's a very painful state to be in.

Someone with an unhealthy sense, the winning will mean more than anything else, and there's that element of feeling worthless if you don't win. And that feeling of feeling worthless if you don't win, that is shame-based.

Abundance Mindset vs. Scarcity Mindset:

A healthy sense of competition has more of an abundance mindset, whereas an unhealthy view will have a scarcity mindset.

An unhealthy view will be like, “yep, zero sum, there's either a winner or a loser.” And while that might be true within the specific game or competition, a healthy attitude will have a broader perspective.

People who have a healthy attitude towards competition might feel like, “yep, this game, there's a winner or a loser or this race, there's a number one and number two and number three, but it's not the be-all and end-all. Because if I end up number five this time, what is it I need to emulate to do better next time?”

There's the perspective that the world is vast. There is a sense that there are a lot of people in the world, and while we might be comparing our success or failure to this specific group, there is a much broader universe out there. In a broad sense, our individual success is not dependent on somebody else losing.

And I think something else that comes into a healthy attitude towards competition is the knowledge that we all have different advantages and disadvantages. Luck plays a role a lot of the time. There's so many different factors that impact our performance in anything.

And in this blog, I'm not only talking about sports or business. This impacts many aspects of our lives: our friendships, our creativity, our family relationships. All of these things are very complex and multifaceted and a healthy sense of competition will bring that in. Someone with a healthy attitude towards competition will really look at it as if they're unlocking their own potential. How do I unlock my potential and maximize it?

Growth Mindset vs Fixed Mindset:

A healthy attitude towards competition has a growth mindset. That's the mindset of “I can improve, I can take on things, I can do things to improve.”

A fixed mindset says “I either have the skill or don't. I either am a great singer or I'm not a singer at all.” A fixed mindset does not bring in our incredible ability to learn and change and adapt. A growth mindset does.

Attitude towards others who win:

Someone who has a healthy attitude towards competition can actually feel joy in somebody else's success. I know that might sound like a leap, but it is possible, and it is definitely possible to feel admiration. You can admire somebody who performs incredibly well in a particular area.

An unhealthy attitude towards competition ends up in a lot of envy and bitterness.

Honoring Values:

Healthy competition honors the values of both sides of the competition. If you are competing in a particular way, there's a value set under that, and healthy competitors will honor that value system. Unhealthy competition does not honor it.

An example is in sports where people might dope so that they can compete better. It's cheating, right? It's not honoring the values and the rules and the setup of the competition.

Concept #1 Family Dynamics:
We develop our attitude towards competition largely from our family dynamics. Now obviously, it is also impacted by our society and personal experiences, but those core family dynamics really drive it.

So if we had a model of somebody who competed in a very unhealthy way, it probably made us feel terrible when we were little. We learned certain things, such as its a zero sum game. You're either on top or you're on the bottom. This scarcity mindset can come from watching how our parents or caregivers interact with the world, but it can also come with our relationship with our siblings. Siblings can end up being very competitive with each other if there's a feeling that there's not quite enough attention and love to go around. Because if there is not enough, if my sibling gets it, I don't get it.

And if one grew up in a house with limited parental attention, that dynamic can impact you for a long time. So it's worth exploring your family dynamics. What did you learn about competition? Do you believe the beliefs of the family system about competition? Are these beliefs helping you be happy or not happy?

Concept #2 Comparisonitis:

Constantly comparing yourself to others has been directly tied in a considerable amount of research to unhappiness. Those people who really focus on comparing themselves to others, called “being sensitive to social comparisons” by psychologists, are less happy than others, Most people compare themselves a little bit, but it's not a continual focus, nor the main focus. And I do have an entire video on comparisonitis , which I can link here.

If you fall into this trap, it might be worth trying to step back, bring in more of the bigger picture perspective and understanding we are all different, we have all had different advantages and disadvantages and different life experiences. Comparing is really not all that valid and it does not need to be that meaningful.

Concept #3 Negative Core Beliefs Developed in Childhood:

If we grew up in an atmosphere where we had to achieve to receive love or attention, we will develop a feeling that we are only worthwhile if we achieve. When we don't win, we will truly feel like we have no worth.

This concept of negative core belief is utilized in a lot of different theories of therapy. In particular, it is utilized in cognitive behavioral therapy and EMDR. I was EMDR trained, and I found it to be an incredibly useful way to help people recover from these early beliefs. In my 20 years of working with people as a psychotherapist, I found that most people have between two and three core negative core beliefs that underlie almost all the difficulties in their lives. So I did develop a free PDF called

. It helps you walk through the steps to identify what those beliefs might be for you, and then it helps you come up with a positive adaptive alternative, not a pie in the sky, incredible positive, not an affirmation, but a really adaptive, reasonable positive belief that you truly can believe and it gives you a few ways to get there.

And whether you do that work with this PDF or with a therapist or in some other way, healing that negative core belief is really what will improve your life.

Let me know what you think about this blog by commenting below. Let me know what you think about competition. Where is it healthy for you and where is it unhealthy?

Compulsive Rumination

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 31 Jul 2024 15:35:04 GMT

Rumination is SO painful! You can recover from compulsive rumination. Here are 4 concepts to help you begin healing.

Compulsive rumination is so painful. It is so painful to have something going around and around in your head.

You don't want to be thinking about it anymore, but you still are. It intrudes, popping up all the time.

But! There is help for this.

So if you are ruminating and you feel that it is compulsive rumination, it is worth thinking about the concept of “compulsivity.” If something is a compulsion, it means that you can't not do it. But you know that not doing it is an option.

Maybe you know there is an option not to do it because other people don't do it. Or maybe there's been times in your life where you haven't done it. So, you know there's an option not to do it, but you can't not do it .

So the first thing I would like to ask you is what is the “secondary gain” that comes with that compulsion? A secondary gain is an underlying advantage. It may be hidden. And I know this will sound counterintuitive (and I can hear you saying, “How ridiculous! There is no advantage!”), but all compulsions actually do have some type of secondary gain.

Compulsive behaviors might give us a nanosecond of relief of our anxiety. Compulsive behaviors might make us feel like we're doing something productive.

So what is the compulsive rumination doing for you? Has your compulsive rumination tricked you into thinking that you need it?

For example, people with health anxiety often compulsively ruminate, and while they know it is compulsive, they also feel like, “I have to worry about this. It's my health!”

Or someone in school might feel, “I have to worry about this. I have a critical test!”

This is where knowing the concept of productive worry versus unproductive worry is helpful, which I’ll explore below!

So with that as a background, I want to talk about four things that can help you from a self-help point of view.

#1: Fully convince yourself that your rumination is not productive and understand what productive problem solving is

Our human brain is geared to look for problems. It is geared to anticipate future problems and to look at past events and identify problems so we know what to do differently in the future. Our brain is geared to doing this to help our survival.

Unfortunately, it gets off course because it can get stuck going over and over something, which is not productive.

Productive problem solving often has to bring in looking at a problem from a number of different points of view. Rumination tends to go over and over the same information from the same point of view with the same type of thinking.

Let's say we had a fight with a friend and we're worried about it. It went poorly and we can't figure out whether we did something wrong or whether they did, and we just keep going over and over it. We probably just keep feeling badly about ourselves and-or badly about our friend… and we are not getting anywhere.

If we bring in an outsider point of view, it can be very helpful. Or we journal about the situation, and explore what cognitive distortions are driving the rumination. Once those are identified, we can write out “ What can I do to think about this differently?”

That helps us move more towards problem solving.

And then, sometimes problems don't have a solution! So our brain is stuck, ruminating about a problem over and over that can't be solved.

We can't solve something that happened in the past. We can sometimes learn from it with perspective and therefore change behavior going forward, but not always. And we can't change the past.

If the problem is in the past, it can help to write about how your rumination is not helpful, identify the cognitive distortions with go with realizing that the problem can't be solved, and look for that “secondary gain.”

Because until you're fully convinced that you don't need your rumination, you won't be able to let it go.

# 2 Label Your Thoughts

So once you're fully convinced you don't need your rumination, then my recommendation is that you begin to label your thoughts. So when you are ruminating, label it. You could say it out loud, you could say it in your head, “This is rumination. This isn't helpful.”

The same thought swirls into your head, “This is rumination. This isn't helpful.”

So you interrupt it. You don’t give in to it.

You can remind yourself that our thoughts are not all true (most aren’t actually!).

Now what will help you do this is…

#3 The Observer Brain

The observer brain is the part of the brain that observes your thoughts. The observer brain is not looking at the content of what you're ruminating about (the mistake you made, the fight you had with your friend, the problem in the future). The observer brain is looking at the process. The observer brain is saying, “Hmm, that's a ruminative thought process.”

The Observer Brain is developed through mindfulness, meditation, psychotherapy, and spending time non-judgmentally observing your thoughts.

We learn a lot about ourselves when we utilize our observer brain!

And developing this part of our brain, leads to…

#4 Rewire Your Brain by Changing Habitual Patterns.

With habitual patterns, we develop a pattern of response in our brain. The activated synapses begin to fire together and become wired together! They get to know one another.

Fight with friend, boom! Thought pattern triggered! Physical feelings triggered! Boom, boom, boom! Rumination.

You can think about your brain as if you're walking a path on your lawn or in the woods or wherever. The more you walk it, the deeper the groove gets.

So, putting in place those things that can cut that pattern is part of the recovery process.

There are a number of different techniques and approaches that do this. The main thing to keep in mind is that when we have a behavior that is linked with a type of thought, that is reinforced. So if we can change either the thought or the behavior that goes with it, we are beginning to rewire our brain.

I have a free webinar called Rewire Your Brain for joy and Confidence which focuses on how and why these habitual patterns develop and what we can do about them. I talk about how we can actually change the chemical composition and the gray matter of our brain through our thoughts and behaviors!

Let me know what you thought of this blog in the comments below, and feel free to ask any questions!

And if you'd like to view this material in video format, please click her e.

What is High-Functioning Anxiety?

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 13:43:07 GMT

You Can Have Anxiety and Still be High-Functioning. Here's what you need to know.

High-functioning Anxiety has become a very popular term on social media but there's a fair amount of misinformation out there. This blog will explain what it is and what you can do about it so you can help yourself feel better.

One of the main things I want to communicate to you is that if you have a lot of anxiety, don't stop yourself from getting help just because you're high functioning.

So not to state the obvious here, but what is high functioning anxiety? It simply means you have a lot of anxiety and yet you're high functioning.

Now, high functioning anxiety is not in and of itself a diagnosis, but you can definitely have a formal anxiety diagnosis and still be high functioning.

In fact, in my psychotherapy practice for 20 years, most of my anxious clients were very high functioning. So, I first want to clear up the issue about whether being high functioning precludes you from having a diagnosable disorder. Then I will discuss which types of anxiety sometimes present as high functioning, as well as the risks of high-functioning anxiety. Lastly, I will provide 6 key tips to recover from high-functioning anxiety.

Being high functioning DOES NOT preclude you from having a diagnosable anxiety disorder! This is the main confusion online. Many videos, even from reputable sources, are saying that a criteria to qualify for an anxiety disorder is that it has to have a significant impact on your functioning. This is not true.

The DSM-5-TR is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual which provides the guidelines for diagnosis. For almost every mental health disorder, there's a criteria that says that the symptoms that are bothering the person must cause clinically significant distress OR impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

It’s an OR. Not an AND.

If the symptoms cause clinically significant distress, you can have the disorder. It doesn’t have to impact your functioning.

Now, what does clinically significant distress mean? There's no specific guidance in the DSM-V-TR as to what qualifies as clinically significant. But if a client of mine wasn't sleeping because of their anxiety, I’d consider that clinically significant. Maybe they had insomnia yet still functioned perfectly fine. However, it’s not healthy, it doesn't feel good, and it causes a lot of distress.

If someone was worrying so much, they couldn’t be present with their loved ones, I’d consider that clinically significant.. So, basically, if their worry and anxiety was causing them enough pain, that's clinically significant. So I want to encourage you, if you feel that you have anxiety, you can take it seriously and you can get help for it.

Which Anxiety Disorders Present as High Functioning?

In my clinical practice, I saw many people with OCD who were very, very high functioning. The OCD may remain hidden from others, or they might have found an occupation where their OCD was a benefit to the work (though not necessarily to their happiness). The OCD might cause problems with close relationships, but not to the point that they did not have close relationships.

I also saw very high functioning individuals who had panic attacks and phobias. And yes, panic attacks and phobias generally impact functioning within particular situations. But many people learn to manage around this anxiety, and they can be very high functioning in their careers and relationships. For example, a very successful executive I worked with had a phobia of enclosed spaces, such as elevators, and being in those situations could cause panic attacks. He became a great stair climber, and he was successful enough to usually be able to determine where people would meet him.

Social anxiety very often creates impairment in functioning, but not always. Some people with social anxiety can hide their disorder. They may be seen as “quiet” or “shy,” but they can still have close relationships. They “prefer” smaller gatherings and have skillful ways of avoiding certain events. They may also find careers that “fit” with their avoidance. So the pain is internal. Clinically significant for sure.

Probably the largest diagnosis that goes with being “high-functioning” is generalized anxiety disorder. (And I discuss generalized anxiety disorder in more depth in a video that I will link here) .

Risks of High-Functioning Anxiety

Burn-out
There is a ris k of burnout, collapse, physical collapse, and emotional collapse if you are ignoring your body signals and pushing yourself too hard. There is a risk that at some point the universe is going to intervene and say, “Nope! You can't do it all!”

However, I do want to reassure you on one thing, Some of my clients would worry that at some point their worry would “make them go crazy,” meaning that they would become psychotic. So this is not a risk. One disorder does not lead into another. So, if you have this worry, identify it simply as another anxiety thought (or theme). But you can get help because you are unhappy, you don’t need to be avoiding psychosis to go to therapy!

Minimizing Your Problems

I'd say that one of the biggest risks with high functioning anxiety is that the person who is anxious and high functioning can minimize their own problems. They can minimize their worry and concern because they are functioning so well. Their thinking is likely to be “My anxiety keeps me productive,” and “I'm doing fine, I'm doing fine.” So dismissing your own pain continues the problem, leading to the burn-out mentioned above.

Not Recognizing It As Anxiety At All

Quite a few of my clients would say “I don't have anxiety,” yet their thought patterns and behavior indicated a lot of anxiety. There is an element that if you've lived with anxiety your whole life, and society keeps labeling you successful, you don’t recognize it as anxiety. This goes beyond minimizing your anxiety (discussed above) because you don’t even see it as anxiety! Perhaps your parents were anxious, and basically for generations, everybody was anxious, so it may just seem normal to you. “Isn't everybody like this?”

Help for High Functioning Anxiety

So if you think you might have high functioning anxiety, what should you do about it?

Tip #1

Treat it as anxiety . It actually doesn't matter whether you qualify for a full anxiety diagnosis or not. Psychotherapy is still reimbursable if someone doesn't qualify for a full anxiety disorder. There are other diagnoses that can be put down that qualify somebody for insurance reimbursement (diagnoses that basically indicate the person is having a very tough time right now in life). You also don't need to know whether you qualify or not to get help.

Anxiety is treatable. You can get better.

Tip #2

Educate yourself on what anxiety is and how to deal with it . Read reputable sources on the topic, or watch the longer videos on anxiety. If the examples used seem extreme, you can still practice the things that can help. I have a playlist of videos on anxiety that I can link here, YouTube Anxiety Playlist , or check out this blog .

Tip #3

Validate your own feelings. Validate the fact that you are worrying too much and you're in pain. Speak gently to yourself about having anxiety. Being critical of how anxious you are ("I shouldn't be this way") does not help, it hurts.

Tip #4

Have hope. Have hope that this can change. It can!

Tip #5

Don’t be attached to your anxiety.

A lot of people with high functioning anxiety will say, “I need my anxiety to function. My anxiety is what makes me successful.” So they're very attached to the anxiety, even if it's causing them pain. Success is important to them, their family, their values. They feel they won’t have this success if they let go of their anxiety.

If this sounds like you, understand that you can have “productive worry.” You can retain your forward-thinking, your ability to anticipate problems, your facility with putting in place a plan to deal with those problems AND you can let go of the unproductive worry about those things you have no control over (and yes, you’ll have to accept that there are some things you have no control over, which can be hard as well…, but possible, and worth it).

You can let go of the unproductive worry that keeps you awake at night or makes you ruminate.

So there is a way to keep your motivation, keep your ability to anticipate problems, but not have it turn into full blown anxiety.

Tip #6

Self-Care Requires Deeper Work

And so, lastly, I want to highlight the issue of self-care. Many of the blogs and videos on this topic will tell you, “practice self-care, get enough sleep, rest,” etc. And yes, you know this would be good, I’m sure. Yet your anxiety doesn't let you, right? It's just not that easy.

It can be very hard for people who consider themselves very successful and high functioning to make the time for self-care. It can be very hard to say no to something, to not take on too much.

And yes, this is a question of having boundaries, but the answer to being able to have those boundaries is not simply to say “no,” or follow a set of guidelines.

The answer is really doing deeper work : looking into the negative core belief you have that drives you to need to perform so well that you might be damaging your health. It is probably something you learned very early in life about your role within your family.

Being able to set boundaries for yourself and with other people requires self insight, healing negative beliefs and emotional regulation. Regulating emotion is important so you don't get too anxious if you do actually say no to something or stop working on a project or ask for help. These are all things that can make people so anxious they don't do them.

The work of healing negative core beliefs and regulating emotion is the work that people do in my program on boundaries . Having healthy boundaries and healthy self-care requires more than the “information,” the list of things you “should” and “shouldn’t” do. Most of us have heard all of this already and, despite trying, still don't do it.

So healthy boundaries and self-care is about fully understanding yourself, your values and your value . Your value as a human being, not a “human doing”. If you are interested, I’ll link my boundary program here The Ultimate Boundary Program . (I just received another five star review that said "Awesome!")

Self-Esteem and Boundaries: The Feedback Loop

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 10 Jul 2024 15:39:23 GMT

Do you struggle with low self-esteem and boundary problems?
They are linked, and understanding this link can help!

Is your low self-esteem a reflection of your lousy boundaries?

Or are your boundary challenges a result of your low self-esteem?

In this blog, I’ll explain how there is a feedback loop between self-esteem and boundaries.

If our self-esteem is low, we tend to not stand up for ourselves. And, then, when we don’t stand up for ourselves, we feel even worse about ourselves, right?

However, we can turn this loop into a positive feedback loop and I will share tips that can help you do this!

Why Low Self-esteem Creates Boundary Problems

If you have low self-esteem, you may not think that your needs, wants and desires are as important as other people's. You might be driven by a feeling of “I'm not good enough.” Or you might be driven by a need to focus on pleasing others.

This will undermine your ability to set and hold boundaries. You won't be standing up for your own needs, wants and desires. You may not stand up for your own values because of how you feel about yourself.

And then, when you get into a situation where you don't stand up for yourself, then you end up feeling even worse about yourself.

A Tool to Help You Turn This Around: "Act As If"

The tool of “Act As If” is to pretend you have confidence and self-esteem. How would someone with confidence and self-esteem act in this situation?

Move forward with the actions that someone with self-esteem would move forward with.

No matter how you feel, and no matter what feeling it brings up in you, you follow through to hold to your boundary.

When you do this, it will begin the positive feedback loop. It will improve your self-esteem because you’ll feel proud that you were able to do it!

You might say to yourself, “Okay, I didn't feel like doing it. It was really uncomfortable. It went against every grain in my body, but I did it and because I did it, I feel better about myself.”

And I do know this is easier said than done. But you could think about a character in a movie you admire, or someone in your life that moves forward as if they matter. And mimic their behavior.

Our behavior changes how we feel in a deep way. So even if you don’t feel like doing the behavior, once you’ve done it, you will have impacted yourself positively!

The Real Reasons We Don’t Set and Hold Boundaries

There are two main reasons we don't set boundaries. One is because of how we feel about ourselves. It’s because of our beliefs about ourselves and the world, what's safe, what's not. Most of these beliefs were developed very young, and they become our Negative Core Beliefs.

And the other reason is our inability to regulate our emotions when we are in a stressful situation that requires boundaries! Often we get too anxious standing up for ourselves, and it is this anxiety that holds us back.

(This is one reason the “act as if” can be powerful. If you can push through your anxiety and still put in place the boundary, you will gain a positive experience setting that boundary!)

Learning to be able to emotionally regulate will allow you to still put in place a boundary even if you feel anxious. Emotional regulation tools can help you calm yourself down on the spot when somebody is violating your boundaries or when you feel the need to set a boundary.

In the online program I have on boundaries, The Ultimate Boundary Course we focus on learning this emotional regulation, changing behavior, AND rewiring our negative core beliefs.

Connection Between our Negative Core Belief and Our Boundaries

The negative core beliefs that we learned very young are the root of our boundary problems and our self-esteem problems.

There is a lot of “how-to” information available on boundaries. But none of it is helpful if, at core, we don’t feel worthy. Without shifting that belief, we’ll never be able to put in place the boundaries that will help us stay safe, honor our values, honor ourselves and have healthy relationships.

So you can check out the program here with this link . I think you’ll be interested and I think it’ll be super useful for you!

I was a therapist for 20 years helping people strengthen their boundaries and lower their anxiety.

It really is possible. AND YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Overcome Overwhelm

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 12 Jun 2024 15:45:53 GMT

Defeated.

Powerless.

Submerged.

Overwhelm is a horrible feeling.

It can feel like you are drowning.
Or like you are frozen. Immobile.

And, actually, these feelings are directly related to your nervous system. Because overwhelm is a manifestation of the freeze response.

The freeze response is the most anxious of the three responses, fight, flight, freeze. The freeze response happens to mammals when they are in life-threatening danger and they can not fight or flee. In these situations it is protective.

We have a part of our brain that focuses on protecting us from danger. Unfortunately, this part of our brain does not differentiate between a saber tooth tiger attacking us and an exam that we're worried about, or a boss that scares us. Our brain reacts with the same fight, flight or freeze, whether it's a physical danger or not.

So we don’t usually think of overwhelm as an anxiety response. But if we begin to understand that it is an anxiety response, and that the frozen or submerged feeling is because we are responding with the most extreme response, we can pull in our higher-level thinking and calm ourselves down.

Recommendation #1
Calm Yourself Physically

So the very first thing to do if you are feeling overwhelmed is to back away from that freeze state and the high level of anxiety by calming yourself physiologically.

Diaphragmatic breathing and grounding exercises are two of the most effective tools to do this.

Now, this is going to feel totally counterintuitive. When we are overwhelmed with too much to do, too many projects, time rushing by, the last thing we want to do is take a break. But honestly, it's the only thing that is going to help.

Recommendation #2
Look at Your Thoughts

Once you have calmed yourself physically, step back and take a look at the thoughts that are contributing to the overwhelm.

Overwhelm is all about the future: worry, anticipation.

“I have to do this or else…”
“I have to get this project done, or I'll lose my job.”

“I have to get to this party on time, or my friend will be mad at me.”

Whatever the specifics, it is a projection. It is not right in the moment.

As you look at your cognitions with an “observer” point of view, consider what is driving the thoughts.

Is it the people pleasing fear of not being on time fora friend?

Is it the catastrophizing about not doing well enough at your job?

What is actually going on with those thoughts and where can you put some question marks in them?

Because there are probably some cognitive distortions driving your overwhelm.

Now this isn't to say that you don't have too much to do.

I remember I felt overwhelmed often when my kids were young. I was the sole financial support. I was working. I was trying to raise three children. It was strange because one of the things that would overwhelm me the most was the paperwork for their schools (things weren't all online then). I would have paperwork piled up and the paperwork would have deadlines. I would look at that paperwork and I'd go into a freeze, shut down state. I felt, “I just can't do it.”

The thing that put me the most into the overwhelm freeze state was probably the most minor. But, we all have different things that trigger us into overwhelm.

Recommendation #3

Bring In Compassion for Yourself

While you're looking at your thoughts, see if you can bring in a thought and feeling of “I'm an okay human being who has too much to do. It's not that there's something wrong with me that I can't get everything done. I simply have too much to do.”

Being a human being is hard. It really is hard. So if you acknowledge how much you do and how much you care it can be enormously helpful.

Recommendation #4
Choice Point: Do You Need More of a Break or Are You Ready to Prioritize?

Once you have calmed physically, questioned some of your thought patterns, and brought up some compassion, it is time to ask yourself ,“Do I need to take a little bit more of a break before I tackle my to-do list? Or do I feel calm enough that I can jump in and begin to prioritize?”

Remember that overwhelm is an extreme anxiety response and it can take some time to calm down. So, if you are still feeling very anxious, it might be worth taking some more time to calm down.

When you too much on your plate, the best way to sort it through is with full brain thinking. We want your whole brain online to problem solve and to think things through, and that happens when we are in an alert but relaxed state. When we are being driven by the fight flight freeze anxiety response, we are in urgent, panic mode. We aren’t thinking clearly, our risk assessment is not fully online, our ability to really analyze, is not online.

Recommendation #5
Prioritize

Once you feel you are calm enough, prioritizing is the next step.

I want to share a framework with you that is very helpful for prioritizing and preventing overwhelm, . It's called the Eisenhower Matrix, or the Urgent-Important matrix. I’ll show it here. But it allows you to divvy up your tasks into one of four quadrants, assessing how how urgent it is and how important it is

A lot of the things that put us into overwhelm are actually in the low importance category because if we think about our priorities, our big picture priorities are living a happy life, strengthening our relationships, taking care of our kids if we have kids.

The things that make life meaningful are almost never urgent.

At some point in my life, I realized the only things that are highly important and highly urgent require a 9-1-1 call. An emergency. Those require a visit to the hospital, a call for the police.

Most of the things we are dealing with are not actually urgent. Now, this might be a matter of semantics, but I think it can be really helpful for people who struggle with anxiety to change the term in this matrix to “Time-Sensitive”. These are things with deadlines, but not necessary urgent.

The term urgency means gravity, critically important, needs immediate attention.

So even things that are very important to us and are time sensitive, are not necessarily urgent.

Let's say you have a project that is due in three hours. Yes, you need to pay attention to that now. You need to begin to focus on it, but it doesn't require the same type of attention that you would need if you needed in a 9-1-1 situation. So rather than calling it urgent in the top two boxes of the matrix, I would rather create a fifth box that is for very important and urgent.

I remember when one of my kids fell in a swimming pool. That was urgent and immediate. They were very little and did not know how to swim. Boom! I was in that water. I grabbed them and pulled them out (thank goodness!). That didn't require planning. It was immediate and urgent and highly important. So that's the kind of thing that goes into this fifth box.

My guess is that nothing on your plate right now falls into this category.

And, I think it is best to change the word “urgent” to "time sensitive" in the Eisenhower Matrix.

Thinking about your priorities this way can help you figure out your where you need to spend your time now.

Let’s say you have a number of things that are time sensitive and highly important, and the deadlines are too short for you to do them all. Sometimes, that is the reality of the situation.

In these cases, you might need to delegate something or ask someone for help. You might need to call a client and delay a deadline. This isn’t comfortable, but it might be necessary.

The required action in these situations might be something that is uncomfortable for you, but being uncomfortable is not the same as panic. Being uncomfortable is sometimes ok.

It will be very helpful if you approach this situation with these thoughts: “I'm an okay human being, who has too much to do.”

This will help you think through the solutions to your current situation.

Now, I know a lot of people would say to me, “But I don't feel like I'm good enough. I don't feel like I'm okay as I am.”

This thinking reflects a negative core belief that can impede our happiness and our functioning. It is often the main reason we are struggling. I do have a free PDF called Transform Your Negative Core Belief . It helps you identify what your negative core belief is and then provides practical tools to begin to rewire that thinking.,

Please let me know if this was helpful for you, by commenting below.

Does Staying Busy Help Your Anxiety?

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 04 Jun 2024 15:30:04 GMT

The Downside of Staying Too Busy

When we have a lot going on emotionally and mentally, it is super common for us to stay busy and try to avoid the difficult issues. We keep busy, busy, busy, so we don't have to think about whatever is causing us stress.

But does this actually help or does this hurt? Does it lower your anxiety or does it make your anxiety worse?

Staying too busy was definitely one of my coping mechanisms when I had a lot of anxiety. It was also super common in the people I worked with as a psychotherapist specializing in helping people recover from anxiety.

And you can recover!

However, we often develop habits that we think are helping us be less anxious. But the habit has a backlash effect and actually makes things worse in the long run. We have to acknowledge these habits, and realize that the seemingly positive impact is actually negative in the long run.

Staying busy usually falls into this category of a habit that feels helpful, but is not.

Now if you overcommit yourself once in a while as a way to not think about a problem you are not ready to address, it might not be a problem. It happens occasionally, and when you realize you've gone a little bit too far in the busyness arena, you pull back.

But for most people, the overcommitment and the busyness becomes a real driving force, a habit.

In those situations, staying busy all day can lead to a number of other problems. It can interrupt yor sleep, because when you lay down at night, your anxiety has a chance to rush in.

The same thing might happen whenever you try to sit down and rest. Whoosh! It all comes rushing in.

The constant busyness might also cause continually elevated cortisol levels.

That busyness becomes a force that drives you.

At some point, you probably hit overwhelm and burnout. You might also feel a lot of resentment because you are doing so much and other people in your life might either cut back or not step in at all, because you're taking care of everything.

So those are some pretty serious consequences from using a technique that you're doing to make yourself feel better.

Staying busy is a distraction technique, which is a type of avoidance. In general, avoidance makes anxiety worse. [I have a number of videos on avoidance and anxiety that you can access here , or in blog form The Avoidance-Anxiety Cycle . ]

If this is a go-to technique for you when you deal with anxiety, and you are becoming aware of the negative consequences, what can you do?

Suggestion #1

Explore the Emotions Under Your Anxiety

My main recommendation is to explore your emotions under the anxiety. What are you really avoiding when you stay too busy so you don't have to feel all of those thoughts and emotions and all that anxiety and all that worry?

While you might think you are avoiding the anxiety, it is likely that your anxiety is covering up other emotions that you really don’t want to feel.

Anxiety is often a coverup emotion for sadness, anger or powerlessness.

In my twenty years of working with people as a psychotherapist, those are the most common emotions that would be covered up by my client’s anxiety.

When I began to explore my anxiety, I realized that there was a lot of sadness underneath it. Sadness about situations I could do nothing about. And I really didn’t want to acknowledge either my powerlessness or my sadness. Or the reality of those situations.

Let me give you an example.

Let's say you have a family member who's engaged in self-destructive behavior. You try every way possible to help. Your anxiety might be on high alert. You thoughts circle around, “When will they be in trouble next? What if I’m not available? What if I don't step in to help?”

You might vacillate between feeling anxious and feeling angry. Why isn't the person doing what they're supposed to be doing, right?

Yet the feelings that truly go with that situation, the deep feeling that goes with the situation is sadness. It's a sad situation. We might have many other feelings, such as disappointment (in ourselves or in the other person), frustration or grief. Also, we're powerless to help. This can be so hard to accept, yet accepting our powerlessness when we are actually powerless is really, really helpful. It helps our emotional state, and it also helps our own decision-making.

Here is another example.

Let's say you have a loved one in your life who is always crossing your boundaries.

It could be a spouse, parent, sibling,or friend, but it's somebody you care about. You care for them, but you also want to be respected. They aren’t respecting your boundaries or you, and you feel angry about it.

However, you aren’t comfortable with your anger. You really don’t like to feel angry, and you dislike it when someone acts out in anger. You do not want to be “one of those people.”

So rather than express your anger, you push it down, and it might turn into anxiety.

You might stay busy to avoid having to think about the whole situation, to avoid having to make a decision about what to do about the relationship. Your anxiety might kick in at night, with thoughts such as, “How can I fix this situation? What should I be doing differently? How do I get this person to do it differently?”

You might worry, worry, worry about the situation because, fundamentally, you don't want to admit you're angry and you're not comfortable utilizing your anger to make changes.

Anger is a complicated emotion, but it can help us protect ourselves, set boundaries, and make difficult decisions when it's utilized correctly. People confuse the feeling of anger with the acting out of anger.

Acting out in anger is usually not productive. However, feeling the anger, understanding it, validating it, and then responding to the situation, rather than reacting to it, can be very effective.

Anger is a signal that somebody's crossing our boundaries or hurting our feelings, and it's a protector. Our anger wants to protect us. And if we can learn to listen to it and then communicate effectively, we don't have to communicate in an angry manner. I talk about this a lot in the program I have on boundaries, which is very useful for people who stay too busy, overcommit, take care of other people's problems, or people-please. You can check that program out here: The Ultimate Boundary Course .

Once you can listen to your anger, you can use assertive communication, (not aggressive, not passive, not passive aggressive, but assertive communication) to stand up for yourself and your boundaries.

Suggestion #2
Explore Your Reliance On Your Competence

If you're the type of person who stays busy all the time, you probably are super competent. Explore whether you learned this role very young, the role of the “competent” one.

If you learned this young, this may be where your self-esteem comes from. This is where you learned you have value. It is where you got, and probably still get, positive reinforcement from yourself and others.

So using that competence to fix problems is wonderful… unless they're not your problem to solve.

Beginning to understand that you have value simply for being you is a place to start. You are allowed to be a human being, not just a human doing.

Suggestion #3
Learn Mindfulness Meditation and Carve Out Time for Yourself

So how do you do this? How do you figure out what emotion is being avoided by your anxiety? How do you explore the habitual pattern of “competence”?

First, you’ll need to slow down and take some time to allow yourself to feel the anxiety.

And, yes, when you try to relax, your anxiety might increase. Let it happen. Feel it. Sit with it. Take some time to explore and see if you can go deeper. Go down inside to tap the core emotion driving this.

Learning mindfulness meditation helps us develop our “observer” brain. The observer brain can step back from our thoughts and emotions without immediately reacting. This actually allows our emotions to be heard more clearly,

Carving out time for yourself for healthy relaxation is also very important. It helps to keep your parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system in balance. This will calm the cortisol response, and a calmer physiology will help your emotions feel calmer as well.

Both of these will help you allow your emotions to speak. These deeper emotions have a lot to communicate to us. They can help us make better decisions. They can help us know what we really want, so we are able to move forward towards what we truly want.

Anxious About a Decision? 5 Concepts to Help!

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 28 May 2024 17:41:26 GMT

Do you struggle with making decisions?

Are you frustrated with your indecisiveness?

Maybe you're grappling with big decisions about your job, career, or marriage. Or maybe you struggle with all decisions, including small ones like what to wear or where to go for lunch. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, the indecisiveness is probably due to anxiety.

If you have anxiety, it's common to struggle with decision-making. Even if you don't identify as anxious, it's worth considering that anxiety might be influencing your indecisiveness. Many people who don't think of themselves as anxious still experience significant anxiety without realizing it.

Through my 20 years as a psychotherapist specializing in anxiety and trauma, I learned on a very deep level why people have trouble making decisions. Today, I’ll share the five factors underlying anxiety in decision-making.

#1: Life is uncertain.

I understand that hearing this can be unsettling, but it's a fundamental truth. Both individually and societally, we push away the idea of uncertainty, thinking that making the right decisions can control the future and ensure a happy ending. However, accepting uncertainty can actually alleviate anxiety. Embracing the fact that life is unpredictable can reduce the pressure to make the "right" decision.

#2: We want to control the uncontrollable.

Anxiety often stems from trying to control what we are powerless over. Productive worry leads to actions we can take, like studying for an exam in order to do well.

Productive worry could come up if you have a job you don't really like. You might say to yourself, “Hmm, this doesn't seem to be going in the right direction for me or the company I’m working for. I think I’ll update my resume and start sending it out.” That is identifying a problem and taking steps to solve it.

But, if instead of that thinking, you begin to worry that the company isn't doing well, and focus on, “What if the company fails and they lay everybody off," what you're spending your time thinking about and worrying about, is not within your control. And that's anxiety.

Our anxiety about decision-making often comes from a desire for a guaranteed happy ending. Instead, we should focus on making the best choice with the information we have now.

#3: Value Conflicts.

When our values conflict, decision-making becomes challenging. For example, you might value earning a good living but also value family time, leading to a conflict if your job requires long hours. Recognizing these value conflicts can help you prioritize what’s truly important to you.

#4: Is Sitting on the Fence Comfortable For You?

I know sitting on a fence isn't comfortable, but some of us do it a long time. I am definitely guilty of this!

I've realized that we must get SOME benefit out of it - or why would we do it?

I've realized that we may prefer the discomfort of indecision over the risk of making a wrong decision.

Or maybe we prefer this discomfort over making a real commitment that's going to require action and uncertainty.

That brings us back to that uncertainty thing. So sitting on that fence means you don't have to really accept that uncertainty. You don't have to take a risk. And this also ties to loss aversion. The human brain is more averse to losing something than gaining something.

So, there are times when it makes sense to sit on the fence. The time isn't right for a decision, or you need additional information. But often, the fence-sitting leads to analysis paralysis, where we overthink and ruminate without making progress.

Constant rumination is exhausting. If you’re plagued by indecision, it can consume your mental energy and disturb your sleep. Sometimes, the best way to break out of this cycle is just to make a decision and move forward, trusting in your ability to adapt.

#5 The Myth of a Perfect Decision.

Underlying all these difficulties is the mistaken belief in a perfect decision. Life is unpredictable, and the paths we choose often lead to unexpected places. Knowing yourself, understanding your values, and being comfortable with uncertainty can help you make better, quicker decisions.

If you struggle with anxiety and indecision, my free webinar " Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence" might be helpful. It explores how innate brain qualities and societal expectations shape our thinking and behaviors, AND it offers strategies to change these patterns.

Remember, there's no perfect decision. Each choice brings its own set of outcomes, some desirable and some less so. Accepting this reality can make decision-making less daunting. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. If you found this helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit. And I'd love to hear your comments (can post below)!

In case you missed these, you might find one of these blogs useful:
Why People-Pleasers Have Trouble Making Decisions

Is It My Intuition or My Anxiety?

Anxious For No Reason

2 Questions to Calm Anxiety

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 22 May 2024 16:01:51 GMT

Anxiety Wants to Convince You That You Need It!

These two questions will help you decide if you actually need it or not.

Over twenty years of helping people with their anxiety as a psychotherapist, I saw that a primary reason people could not overcome anxiety is that they believed that they needed it!

“Doesn’t this problem require anxiety?,” they would say.

If you ask yourself these two questions with everything you're anxious about and really think it through, the answer leads you directly to what you should do.

Question #1:
Is the situation I'm worrying about actually physically dangerous?

Right now, this problem, is it dangerous for you?

If the answer is no, that leads to a very clear answer, which is that you don't need the fight, flight, freeze chemicals that your body is generating.

Now, I know it's not always super easy to calm that chemical reaction down, but this is where you begin to implement some somatic or behavioral changes that help your body begin to feel safe, right now, here in this moment.

The answer of “no” to this question also leads to another conclusion, which is that the problem you are facing needs a different kind of problem solving. We can have serious problems and it may be the norm to respond to these types of problems with anxiety. But if the problem isn’t physically dangerous, it needs longer term thinking.

Our anxiety treats everything like an urgent, dangerous, short-term problem.

Our brains think best when we are in a relaxed but alert state. This is where we problem-solve the best. This is where we have adequate risk assessment and can think through problems.

Our anxiety always wants to tell us it's necessary. We can get stuck in thinking that we really do need to overthink, overanalyze and feel anxious about a problem.

So, we actually have to disconnect from the anxiety, using our observer brain. If we step back from our anxiety, we can say to ourselves “OK, this is a real problem, not denying it's a real problem, but it's not one that requires anxiety. It's one that requires attention. Maybe some time, maybe some investigation, maybe some feedback from others or counseling. It is a problem, but it doesn't require the fight, flight, freeze response so it doesn’t require anxiety.”

Question #2:

So if your answer to the question above is “Yes, this is dangerous,” then the second question to answer is: “ Is it dangerous right now to you in this moment? ”

If the answer is yes, you should not be reading this blog!

If the answer is yes, you should be fleeing, fighting, or freezing.

Our fight, flight, freeze response is needed and necessary in an emergency. This response is driven by our amygdala. It's an old part of our brain. It doesn't have higher level thinking skills. It's not connected to sophisticated risk assessment.

It's an immediate, quick reaction that senses danger and wants you to fight, flee, or freeze.

So if your problem is dangerous, right now at this very instant, this very instant, you need to flee, fight or freeze.

But if it's not dangerous this very instant, you don't need the anxiety chemicals.

Because even if it is a serious, potentially dangerous problem, if it's not happening right now to you in this moment, it again requires longer term thinking, risk assessment, and planning. All of those utilize completely different areas of the brain.

When our amygdala is firing, warning, warning, danger, danger, danger, it's taking all of our energy and it co-ops the entire brain. It does actually co-opt your frontal lobe so that your thoughts will spin with that anxiety. Your thoughts might think they are in charge at that moment, but they are not.

Your thoughts will buy in to the amygdala’s panic. Your thoughts will say, “Oh yes, we need to worry about this! How could we let it go? Of course, I need to keep thinking until I find a solution!” That is how our anxiety convinces us fully that we need it. That can block anxiety recovery.

Because if something is not immediately dangerous, the most productive thing we can do is to calm the anxiety response down. I find physiologically calming techniques the most helpful, but our thinking may not let us do this unless we put this logical question into our brain. This is what will convince us that we do not need this anxious response.

I talk about this more in my free, online webinar Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence . You can schedule to attend by clicking this link .

And let me know your thoughts!

Anxious For No Reason

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 14 May 2024 16:22:05 GMT

Does Anxiety Hit You Out of the Blue?!

Do you get anxious for no reason?

BOOM! Anxiety just hits you out of the blue?

This is such a horrible feeling. And of course, the feeling leads us to wonder, “What's wrong with me?” “What is it I should be anxious about?”

Or we may just criticize ourselves and feel defective because we are always anxious, and for no reason!

So I'm going to help you with this. This blog will help you understand why this happens and what you can do about it.

But first, I have a question for you.

If you get anxious for no reason, what is it that is signaling to you that you're anxious? This is a super important question, and you'll understand why in a little while.

Many people who feel anxious for no reason notice the anxiety signal somatically, in their body.

But for other people, the signal is an awareness of thoughts. Cognitive worry about things that are insignificant or things they know they shouldn't worry about.

Anxiety almost always consists of both components, somatic and cognitive. Yet, most of us tend to feel one or the other, or be aware of one or the other, more than the other one.

So if you're really in touch with your somatic anxiety, you are likely to feel some of the physical feelings of anxiety, such as an upset stomach, racing pulse, sweating, or muscle tension.

If you are primarily aware of your cognitive anxiety, and you worry, worry, worry, you might not even be aware of how much you're feeling in your body.

However, as people work on healing from anxiety, their awareness of the other component grows, Sometimes, during the recovery process you will be more aware of both your cognitive and somatic anxiety, and this is actually a positive step!

Understanding what to do when your anxiety hits “out of the blue” can be facilitated by an understanding of how the nervous system requires balance and how it gets out of balance. Our nervous system has two parts, a sympathetic nervous system and a parasympathetic nervous system. Our parasympathetic nervous system is what helps us fall asleep at night. Sympathetic is what helps us get up in the morning. There's a stress response in our sympathetic nervous system, and then we release it and calm down with the parasympathetic. This balance, and the alternation between the two systems is needed.

Stressors and a stress response are not necessarily bad. The stress of being hungry or needing to go to the bathroom is what can wake you up in the morning and get you going. That is what gets you up from your desk when you've been over-focused and working too much.

Stress gives us a signal. There's something we need to respond to and we respond to it. We could not exist without stress.

But when our stress response is really strong, stronger than what's needed for the situation, we release stress chemicals into our body yet there's nothing in the moment we need to respond to. That is what causes the problem of anxiety.

We’re not taught to differentiate between a normal stress response and anxiety. Anxiety is the activation of our fight, flight, freeze defense, when we are not in immediate danger. Our adrenaline spikes, impacting our entire body. Our cortisol goes up a little while afterward with the goal of bringing the adrenaline down.

But, if there is another stressor and we respond with anxiety before the cortisol has declined, the cortisol never drops. We end up with continually elevated cortisol levels.

This causes our sympathetic nervous system is to be overactivated. And if that's the case, it's hard to bring in those relaxation techniques that help the parasympathetic nervous system calm us down and keep us in balance.

If you're having a continually elevated stress response, your anxiety is not going to let you forget about it. It's going to be knocking on the door, even when there is “no reason.”

It might knock on the door whenever you begin to relax or when you're trying to go to sleep at night. Your old brain thinks something dangerous is happening and it doesn't want you to sleep or relax. Your old brain can't differentiate between an actual physical threat and the normal stressors that impact us in life. And when I say normal, that includes big issues as well as minor. Continually remembering that those “big issues” don’t need the fight, flight, freeze response can help you see the “old brain” over-reacting.

Two Concepts to Help With Anxiety

I want to give you two concepts that will help you begin to calm this habitual anxiety response down. And, later in this blog, I will also give you a couple of very practical implementable tools.

Concept #1: You Are Anxious Because You Have Anxiety

This might sound very obvious, I know. However, most people with anxiety will say, “I have anxiety because of this problem or that problem.” And it isn’t actually our problems that cause the anxiety. The problems trigger our habitual response which is to respond in an anxious manner.

It can be very helpful to think about your anxiety almost as if it's a separate entity. Your anxiety exists and it wants to sustain itself. It sustains itself by constantly scanning your environment (present and future!) to find something that it needs to be worried about. It also sustains itself by convincing you that you need it. Your anxiety is going to tell you, “You have to worry about this because it’s a problem and I'm going to help you find the solution.”

But unless the solution is in the moment to run away, fight physically, or freeze, hide under your desk, hide in the closet, you don't need your anxiety. You actually need your full brain on board to problem solve. So a technique that I love and I think can be really, really helpful is to come up with a cartoon character that represents your anxiety. (I’ll talk about this a little later in this blog as Tool #1).

Before we go there, I want to talk about:

Concept #2: If Anxiety is Your Go-To Emotion, It Is Not Giving You Good Information

Our emotions can be a wonderful source of meaningful information. However, if we have a habitual emotion, it is not giving us good information. In fact, it is covering up the emotions we actually need to access which would give us accurate information!

If you frequently feel anxious, perhaps more often than you feel anything else, it is probably a habitual emotion. You are in the habit of responding with anxiety when certain situations present themselves, or, perhaps, when any situation presents itself!

So your habit of responding with anxiety covers up other emotions. For a lot of people, anxiety covers up either sadness or anger. Those are probably the two most common emotions covered up by anxiety that I saw with my clients during my 20 years as a psychotherapist.

And I know for myself, when I used to be anxious all the time, I realized it often covered up sadness. I did NOT like to feel sad! So situations that were actually sad would cause my anxiety to jump in and say, “Oh! I can do something! I can solve this! And I would go into an anxious spiral trying to solve a problem that wasn't mine to solve. I really didn't want to admit my powerlessness or my sadness about the situation.

As you explore this concept, you might begin to realize that you prefer feeling anxious to feeling sad, or powerless, or angry, or another emotion. Yet, the emotions will never resolve if we cover them up, and we also can’t make good decisions for ourselves if we aren’t in touch with the reality of the situation.

The primary way to explore this is to slow down and begin to really listen to your deeper emotions. Listen to your quiet, inner voice, the one that doesn’t shout for you to hear it. I know the slowing down is extremely difficult for people with anxiety (in fact, that may be anxiety’s main purpose for you! A way of avoiding that stuff you don’t want to feel!). But if you can slow down and begin to really listen to what emotions are hiding underneath your anxiety, you'll begin to be able to take care of those emotions so they don't all turn into anxiety.

So let’s talk about some practical, implementable tools that can help if anxiety hits for no reason.

Tool #1: A Cartoon Character

So a technique that I love that can be really, really helpful is to come up with a cartoon character that represents your anxiety.

Think about your anxiety, what it feels like, and what it says to you. As you do that, what character encompasses those feelings and thoughts? The Tasmanian Devil, spinning out of control? Piglet, always worrying worrying, worrying?

One of my clients had a character named Sally whose hair stood on end and constantly flapped her arms. The client put Sally on her shoulder whenever she was anxious, and would imagine the anxious thoughts and feelings as coming out of Sally.

This technique helps us separate from our anxiety. It is exercising our “observer” brain, the wiser, more integrative part of our brain.

When our anxiety characters wig out, we can imagine saying, “Okay, thank you. I see you are signaling a problem. I can take it from here.

Tool #2: Behaviors That Strengthen Your Parasympathetic Nervous System

If anxiety is hitting you for no reason, it's likely that your parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system are not in balance. The way to move towards balance is to do things that help your parasympathetic nervous system strengthen. Behaviors that strengthen your parasympathetic nervous system include guided meditation, yoga, diaphragmatic breathing, and grounding exercises.

Learn these techniques and practice them regularly, not only when the anxiety kicks in. Practice the ones that feel the most accessible, and, for now, skip the ones that feel impossible.

If you practice them regularly, your whole stress response will begin to calm down. Also, you’ll develop the relationship with these tools that you'll need so that when you get anxious, you can pull on them. If you don't practice them regularly and develop a good relationship with these tools, your old brain is not going to stand for them. Your old brain is looking for danger that is immediate and present, and that old brain wants you to flee, fight, or freeze. It’s not going to listen to something like diaphragmatic breathing unless you've really strengthened the observer part of your brain that understands that these tools help keep your stress response in balance.

I actually have a free three week miniseries on YouTube called “ the ahh! mini-series .” which walks you through diaphragmatic breathing, grounding exercises, and a safe place exercise. Many people have found this super helpful as a place to start practicing these tools.

Tool #3: Don’t Give the Anxious Feeling Power

When you get that anxious feeling, BOOM!, out of nowhere, try treating it casually. “Oh, okay, there's that old feeling, there's that very familiar feeling …”

Don't feed into it.

Don't give power to it.

Accept that it is uncomfortable and that you don’t like it, but you don’t have to go elsewhere with it.

It isn’t necessary to go into, “Why am I having this anxious feeling?” ”What is wrong with me that I'm having this?” Or “I must have to worry about something.”

Your self-talk could be a little bit more like, “Ugh, I really don't like this feeling. It's uncomfortable. But I do know that if I breathe deeply enough, if I take a walk, maybe call a friend, do something healthy for myself, it will go away.”

Let me know what you think! If you try these tips, let me know how they work for you in the comments below!

Are You Indecisive Because You Are Too Responsible?

Tue, 07 May 2024 13:21:18 GMT

The Hero Child's Dilemma: Too Responsible Yet Indecisive

Do you consider yourself super responsible, yet you can struggle with decision-making?

There is a lot of material online that says that indecisive people:

Are used to other people making decisions for them
Prefer other people to make the decisions
Avoid the responsibility which comes with decision-making

I don’t believe this is true!

Sure, some indecisive people may fall into these categories, but I think it is a minority.

People who are indecisive might have anxiety, or people-pleasing tendencies, or be people who are extremely responsible !

If you consider yourself extremely responsible, it is possible that you often feel responsible for things that are outside of your control.

You might feel responsible for whether this family member gets a good job or not, whether that family member gets into the college they want, or whether this family member stops using drugs or alcohol.

In your work you may feel responsible not just for the part you contribute but for the outcome which is dependent on many factors other than you!

If this is you, you might have grown up as the “hero child.”

If you're the hero child, everybody in the family depends on you to be the successful one so they can feel okay about themselves. Therefore, each decision you make is important because it doesn't just impact you, it impacts everybody. (Or so it feels!)

Growing up as the “hero child” or the “caretaking child,” can lead to deeply ingrained beliefs that everything is up to you, that other people can’t be trusted to help or follow through, and that other people’s success or happiness is based on you in one way or another!

If this is the case, it makes total sense why you might struggle with decision-making.,

3 Tips for You if You Struggle with Decision-Making

1) When facing a decision, write out the outcome you are aiming for. Then, take a moment and write out what elements of this outcome you are powerless over.

2) Think through whose responsibility it truly is to achieve that outcome. Is it yours combined with other people? Is it, perhaps, not even yours?

3) Focus on the best next step that you can take. Create a goal that is within your control to execute. Pick an outcome that is related to your effort and your skills.

An example:
You have taken on the responsibility of organizing a family reunion. The outcome you would like is that everyone (or a large group) show up and have a great time. You don’t want the typical family fights to happen. Certain siblings have offered to help bring elderly relatives, but you know they aren’t always reliable.

Right there, you can see the focus on many things that would be outside of your control. Whether people have a good time or not is up to them! The weather can be lousy and the food can be mediocre, and people can still have fun! Alternatively, everything could be perfect and if one person acts out and disrupts everything, many people might have a lousy time.

So, what is in your control? Examples include: Sending out invites in sufficient time; choosing a location that is generally affordable and accessible; accepting help from the siblings who offered to transport elderly relatives (and then leaving that responsibility to them).

This may be a simple example, but I believe it can be applied to many other situations, including work situations. Let me know in the comments below if this was helpful!

By the way, you might find my boundary personality quiz interesting. Boundaries are not only about setting limits with other people. They are about knowing where you end and others begin. What responsibilities are yours, and what are other people's. Part of healthy boundaries is knowing what you can control and what you can't control. The link is here: Boundary Personality Quiz . I think you might find it interesting!

The 5 Reasons People-Pleasers Are Indecisive

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 01 May 2024 16:06:10 GMT

The 5 Reasons People Pleasers are Indecisive

Many people who consider themselves “people-pleasers” feel frustrated with their indecision. In fact, their difficulty making decisions is intricately tied to the underlying impulses, habits and beliefs of a “people-pleaser.” This blog will help you understand why your people-pleasing might be getting in the way of your ability to feel confident in your decision-making.

Perhaps you have found yourself with these circular thoughts:

What should I do?
If I pick that option, what will they think of me ?
But if I do what they want, I don’t think I’ll be happy.
But, no one cares if I’m happy.
Will those people be happy or will they be disappointed?
What if I make the wrong choice ?
What if people don't like the choice I made?
What if I get criticized ?
·What if they get mad at me?

If you're a people pleaser, you were trained very early to pay more attention to what other people want, need, and value than to your own needs, wants and beliefs.

You learned to prioritize making other people happy over yourself. And you might also have learned that it's super important for people to like you.

And these habits become so ingrained that once you are an adult, it is all so automatic, you might barely be aware of it!

These habits can lead to a very hard time making decisions, and this blog will explain why. Knowing why will make it easier for you to begin to shift how you think about the decisions you are making.

#1 Reason People-Pleasers Are Indecisive

The focus on making others happy impacts decision making in a couple of different ways.

Primarily, it is important to recognize that it is impossible to make other people happy. Now, sometimes people will let us know in a very strong way what decision would make them happy. But honestly, it may or may not make them happy.

Secondly, their happiness is not only their responsibility, and not yours, but it is truly out of your control.

Now, I'm not saying we shouldn't be nice to people, and, of course, we do influence others. But if we think that our decisions are going to determine whether somebody is happy or not, we are focusing on something we are powerless over. In my free webinar called Rewire Your Brain I talk about how people pleasing is a Sisyphean task.

And, if you are thnking right now, “Well, I do know how to make someone happy,” you are not alone! I heard this from many of the clients I had who were emotionally parentified. They received a lot of positive reinforcement for ignoring their own needs and trying to “fix” the emotions of a caregiver.

And, yes, temporarily, you can influence someone’s mood. But just as Sisyphus would feel he was making progress getting that boulder uphill, the second he got up there, it rolled back down. You were not able to fix your caregiver’s [fill in the blank: depression, rage, alcoholism, etc.]. The in-the-moment success you might have felt was not going to accomplish what you really wanted… and nothing else you could do would fix it either.

#2 Reason People-Pleasers Are Indecisive

Most people pleasers that I have known have a very misguided concept of what selfishness means. In my psychotherapy practice (and I also have personal experience with this when I’ve been in a ‘people-pleasing’ mode!), the people who tended towards people pleasing would always be worried:

“Well, if I do that, is it selfish?”

“I don't want to be selfish.”
“I don't want to make a choice that’s selfish.”
“But I’ll be called selfish.”

We are taught what selfishness means in the same households that we grew up in, where we learned to put other people's opinions, beliefs, needs, and wants ahead of ours.

One of the best definitions of selfish that I've ever heard is that you are selfish when you aren't doing what the other person wants.

So unfortunately, in certain families and certain family systems, children can be taught that it's selfish if they're not doing what the caregiver wants. This is less damaging if the caregiver is a “good-enough” parent (though I’d recommend different language than using the word "selfish"). But if the caregiver is needy, immature, narcissistic, or even just overwhelmed with all their other responsibilities, this can negatively impact the child’s self-esteem and impede the child’s ability to develop healthy boundaries and healthy self-care.

I'm not saying that children don't have to do sometimes what the caregiver wants. It is often necessary for the functioning of the household, the safety of the child, the good of the family. But a child’s resistance to doing what the caregiver wants is likely related to normal childhood development, not selfishness.

· Children have limited impulse control.

· They do not have the ability to plan as far forward as an adult.

· They can not assess risk adequately.

But none of this is related to selfishness. It is related to the fact that the human frontal lobe doesn’t fully developed until about age twenty-five!

So, adults, hopefully, particularly if they're basically a good parent, need to provide guidance and structure and all sorts of things, right? But to attribute a child's resistance to the guidance to selfishness is very different than attributing it to the fact that children don't think as far forward as a parent does.

#3 Reason People-Pleasers Are Indecisive

Prioritizing our desire that others like us is going to keep us in a spinning loop of thoughts. A key thing to realize is that it is impossible to make everyone like us! (Yes, similar to how it is impossible to make others happy!)

Trying to suss out what someone else wants or would like is engaging in an Agatha Christie plot for every simple decision, yet it isn’t as fun!

Not everybody's going to like us. And, often, whether others like us or not has nothing to do with us. People have all sorts of preconceived notions and prejudgments. They may not like themselves or they may not like a quality in themselves that they think they see in you, or they see something in you that they wish they had. People like us or don't like us for all sorts of reasons.

It's normal to want to be liked. We all want to be liked, but prioritizing it over our own needs, and maybe even our own values, is unlikely to lead to a happy life. (And I do talk about this a lot more in my YouTube videos and other blogs on people pleasing ).

So the next two reasons get to the core of the issue.

#4 Reason People Pleasers are Indecisive

When you are trained to be a people pleaser, you lose touch with your own wants, needs, and desires. You lose touch with how you feel. You might even feel that you were never in touch with your own feelings.

If, since the time you can remember, you were focused on what other people were feeling, you don't develop your own ability to know what you feel. If you don't know what you feel, how do you know what you want? If you don't know how you feel, how do you know what you value?

If you are confused about what is selfish and what is not, you will have a hard time understanding the difference between wants and needs – yours and others.

In relationships, we do sometimes have to sacrifice our wants for other people’s needs. And in some cases, we do have to sacrifice our needs for other people’s needs (when we parent a young child, for example!).

But if the other person is an able-bodied adult, it generally does not make sense for us to sacrifice our needs for their wants.

Needs vary from survival-based needs (to eat, sleep, rest, have shelter), all the way up to higher level needs such as self-actualization and living in alignment with your values. Yes, it is ok to think of those as needs for yourself! Those are components required for a happy life, and you're the only one who can do that for yourself. Other people are the only ones who can do it for themselves.

So the confusion around selfishness makes it impossible to have healthy boundaries and to know what you need, want, desire or value. And without those components, how can you make good decisions?

#5 Reason People Pleasers are Indecisive

Decision-making requires an understanding of one’s values and goals.

Most of the time that we have trouble making a decision, it is because our values are in conflict. So if a people pleaser values making somebody else happy, that will often conflict with their other values, whether those values are self-care, or achieving more at work, or working less, or…

How does one weigh the different options? There's a conflict.

We have value conflicts all the time. They do make life complicated, but they are a reality.

Spending time really understanding what you value and how you rank them is a wonderful exercise to not only improve decision-making, but to understand yourself better and move toward a more empowered way of thinking.

Taking the time to think through your goals is also critical. What are your goals? What does self-actualization mean for you?

One of my online programs, Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence , has helped numerous self-proclaimed “people-pleasers” move to a more empowered way of living, which continues to incorporate compassion and kindness for others. We don’t have to give those things up. We just need to:

Be clear on what is our responsibility, and what is someone else’s (boundaries)
Heal the negative core beliefs that are developed when we are young which drive our behavior and feelings of low self-worth.
Clarify for ourselves what our values are and how we want to live them out.

Let me know what you thought of this blog! Do you agree? Disagree? Comment below! And if you have any questions, please post them below.

Other blogs you might be interested in: 7 Signs of a People-Pleaser , Were You Parentified as A Child? , Is It Anxiety or Intuition?

Is it My Intuition? Or My Anxiety?

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 16 Apr 2024 15:32:09 GMT

What is Intuition? How Do I Know if My Intuition is Telling Me A Problem Exists... Or Is it Just My Anxiety?

This is a really common question, and I believe that once you read this post in full, you will be well-equipped to tell the difference!

I know that's a big promise, but I'm going to give you a couple of concepts that will really highlight the difference.

Point #1: Anxiety is an Emotion while Intuition is a System of Processing Information

Anxiety is an emotional feeling that has physical feelings that go with it. Common physical symptoms include upset stomach, heart racing, sweating, tension. Anxiety also has a cognitive component: the thoughts about what went wrong or could go wrong, the “what-ifs” and “oh-no’s.”

Intuition is not an emotion . Intuition is a system of processing information .

Now, I think one reason people confuse anxiety with intuition is that they believe intuition equals gut response. They have a sudden “gut response,” a feeling that something is wrong. But this gut response does not automatically equate with intuition.

The gut response might be part of intuition, or it might be part of anxiety…

The way to differentiate is to come back to the concept that intuition is a system of processing information.

Intuition synthesizes our gut response with:

Patterns we recognize both consciously and sub-consciously
Our emotional intelligence
Our self-knowledge
Our conscious thinking

intuition brings all of that together. It is a complex, almost full body process.

Intuition works best when our whole brain is online, when we have access to our unconscious, subconscious and conscious thinking.

When we are in our fight-flight-freeze mode, it is mainly our amygdala firing, and the amygdala dominates the whole brain when it is triggered. It's not full brain thinking.

Beginning to think about intuition as more of a total process, a system of integrating thoughts and feelings will help you distinguish between your anxiety and your intuition.

Point #2: Recognizing Your Habitual Emotions and Patterns is Key

In general, our emotions can be a useful source of information. When we learn to feel and understand our emotions, rather than simply react to them, we can access a treasure trove of information. This is super helpful in decision making and in navigating life.

But if we have one “go-to” emotion, it is not giving us valid information. I call these habitual emotions. If we have a predominant habitual emotion, (it could be anxiety, depression, anger…) we just "go to" that emotion. All sorts of emotions get turned into that one emotion.

For example, if anxiety is our habitual emotion, and something sad happens to someone we love, we may not even notice the sadness. We immediately jump into anxiety: Should we have done something to prevent the thing that happened? Is there a way we can fix the problem? A way to make the person not sad?

Not only are we unused to feeling and recognizing our sadness, it may be that this is an emotion we are determined to avoid.

Anxiety happily jumps in to help us avoid sadness. The habitual emotion of depression often covers up anger; and a habitual emotion of anger often covers up vulnerability. But our habitual emotions may cover up many, many emotions, and what they cover up can vary by person as well.

So, if you get a gut feeling of anxiety, take a moment to step back and see if there is a pattern here. Is this the type of situation that you get anxious in on a regular basis? Is the feeling really one of avoidance? Avoidance is part of anxiety. If this is part of your pattern of anxiety, then the feeling is anxiety, not intuition.

Or is your gut feeling just telling you to take it slow? Perhaps your gut is reading the body language of the person you are talking to? Our guts can read things that ight not be in our conscious mind, but once we get the signal, we can use our frontal lobe and conscious reasoning to check in with it. Or your gut feeling might be telling you that you aren't interested in something or won't like it despite the "rational" part of your brain that things you should do it. That feeling could be telling you to double check with your true feelings. Because the "rational" choice is not always the best.

Intuition brings in an understanding of the patterns we have experienced and learned about the outer world AND about our inner world.

Point #3: Your Intuition Knows that Risks Exist

Your intuition accepts that:

Life is complex. Life is uncertain.
·We can’t predict the future.
·We are powerless over certain things and we often have to make choices that aren’t clear.

Your anxiety wants you to believe that there is one right answer here, only one, and if you make the wrong one, it's disastrous.

If you are having that feeling, it is your anxiety talking.

We want our intuition to be a perfect predictor of the future. But that is actually not what intuition is.

I believe that using our intuition truly helps to guide us. But it is not a crystal ball.

We can be in touch with our intuition and make a decision, and it doesn’t turn out as we hoped.

You can be in touch with all the facts and figures, really think things through, know what you want, check in with your intuition, and then make a decision which later feels like the “wrong” decision.

But hopefully your intuition here tells you that there actually is no such thing as a “wrong” decision! The voice telling you it was “wrong” could be your anxiety, regret or rumination.

Your intuition knows that risks exist!

Point #4: Your Intuition is a Calmer Knowing, and Sometimes it Takes Its Time

Your intuition is not jumping around with all sorts of “what if’s.”

“What if this person really isn't a safe person?”
“What if I make the wrong decision and take the wrong job or move to the wrong town or marry the wrong person?
“What if, what if, what if”

Those “what if’s” are anxiety.

In looking at the most popular google articles and YouTube videos on this topic, so many people are saying that anxiety is fast.

I disagree.

We do have fast thinking and slow thinking, and some of our fast thinking is intuitive . But some of our fast thinking is reactive, instinctual and very based. Our fast thinking is not always accurate.

When I struggle with a decision, and find myself going back and forth on it... sometimes I’ll make the best decision I can in the evening, weighing all the factors. But I'll say to myself, “I'm going to sleep on it and confirm in the morning.”

When I do this, I'll wake up in the morning with a feeling of either “yeah, right decision, going with it” or “hmm, ooh, no, that decision isn’t feeling right.” Once I’ve slept on it, the information has had time to process and my intuition has time to pull it all together.

Relaxation and sleep lets our whole brain work together. It allows our intuition time to synthesize the information.

This is why sometimes when you're dealing with a big problem, the answer might pop into your head in a shower, you might not even be thinking about it. And yes, that can be your intuition. It can feel fast, but you've been thinking about it a long time. You've been gathering information for a long time and you finally let your brain slow down and calm down to the point that it pulls everything together and you just know.

In my YouTube video on this topic, I give a few real life examples. You can watch it here .

We can develop our intuition to be stronger. We can learn to calm our anxiety so that it doesn't get in the way of our intuition. The online program I have Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence builds on all the components that come into having solid intuition, including emotional intelligence, deepening your self-knowledge, transforming and healing your negative core beliefs… Those are the things that will help you develop a solid relationship with your intuition. Check it out!

Focus On Breathing Anxiety

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Wed, 27 Mar 2024 01:17:22 GMT

5 Steps To Treat Breathing Anxiety

Does focusing on your breathing actually make you anxious?

When we experience anxiety, one of the best things we can do to feel less anxious is to breathe in a way that helps. But so many people that I've worked with, so many , will say to me, “Oh, no, no, no. When I try to focus on my breathing, it makes me more anxious.”

If you are one of those people who have “focus on breathing” anxiety, keep reading. I believe this will help!

I believe there are three main problems for people who feel this way.

You feel like you can’t do the breathing exercises correctly.
You feel like you can’t take a full breath.
You feel you’ll never get better because the breathing exercises “don’t work for you.”

First, is that they like they can’t do the exercises correctly. So often for people who feel this way, they feel that when they do begin to focus on their breathing, they feel like, I can't breathe correctly. I don't know how to do this. So all those negative thoughts come in. There could be a feeling of, oh no, I'll never get this and I'll always be anxious, which then can lead you to feel depressed if you feel like you can't solve a problem and it's always going to be there. That's depressing. And then the other thing that happens is people feel like when they try to focus on their breathing, they become aware that they can never quite get a deep enough breath. They can't really breathe in, or they feel like they have to almost gasp.

So I want to walk through a couple of things to think about, a couple of steps to take to help you with this...

5 Tips to Stop Feeling Anxious When You Focus on Breathing

#1. Keep in mind that your body knows how to breathe. In fact, your body will breathe without you doing anything. It might breathe in a way that makes you feel anxious, but that's probably been happening a long time. Keeping in mind that your body knows how to breathe will help to lessen the urgency with which you are focused on the breathing.

#2 . Do some grounding exercises instead of the breathing exercises. Grounding exercises are going to bring you back into the moment, back into your body, but without a focus on the breath. [I do have a video on grounding exercises which you can do here ]

#3. Once you have lowered your physiological response with the grounding exercises, try the breathing exercises again. But this time realize that you do not have to do these correctly . Truly, you don't have to do them correctly. It is also much easier to learn different breathing techniques when you're not extremely anxious. Practice some of the breathing techniques when you're in a reasonably calm state. If you never actually hit a calm state, your average state can do, even if it is a slightly anxious state.

I had a client who had panic attacks who felt like he never, ever, ever got the breathing exercises right. When he came to see me, he said that he had tried breathing exercises and they “didn’t work.” I suggested he practice them during calm periods, not when a panic attack might come on. He did practice them regularly, but felt he never “did them right.” I’d review them with him and coach him, but he had a hard time remembering whether his stomach should go out with the inbreath or out with the outbreath or…. I suggested he focus on them without worrying about whether it was correct. He began to try to do them also when a panic attack would come on, and still feeling that he didn’t “do them right,” the panic attacks would dissipate. Week after week, he would tell me that he was waiting in line (a trigger for his panic), and he would try to do the breathing and that he couldn’t… and then I would ask, “What happened next?” And he’d reply “I don’t know… I got through the line. The panic attack didn’t hit.”

At first he didn’t attribute this to the “trying” of the techniques, but eventually he did. Simply shifting his focus away from the expectation of the attack helped it not happen.

If you can eliminate the thoughts that tell you that you can’t breathe or tell you that you aren’t doing it right, simply shifting the focus to your breathing will help you lower your anxiety.

#4. If you have the feeling that you can't take a full breath, you can say to yourself “I don’t like this feeling, but it is ok. I’ve had it many times before and I was ok.”

I know this feeling is super uncomfortable, but if you can have the feeling without tying it to an anxious thought , you will be less anxious.

The more you can reframe the breathing difficulties that you're having into uncomfortable, but not a major problem, the less anxious you will feel.

If you can treat that feeling as annoying and uncomfortable, but not urgent, it might actually change your life!

And other thoughts might go with this feeling such as,

“Am I going to die?”
“What's wrong with me?”

“This is never going to change.”

Instead, see if you can accept that you're having an uncomfortable feeling. Just accept it. I know it's hard. I know you want it to change, but accepting it will help you eventually do those things.

#5. Be aware of this cycle of your thoughts and feelings about your breathing. They escalate each other if not interrupted. The more keenly aware you can be of this cycle, the more you will eventually be able to break it.

Here is an example of the cycle: You feel anxious. You've heard breathing techniques help. You either try the breathing technique and feel more anxious, or you're not going to try the breathing technique because it made you feel more anxious last time.

So then think that you can't access a technique when everybody says that helps. And then you think that this is never going to change. These thoughts make you more and more anxious and your breathing gets shallower and shallower. At some point, you probably get to the point where you that you can't breathe deeply enough.

Now, a side note for people who might have a childhood history of asthma or some other medical condition where the difficulty breathing is tied to a medical condition. I'm assuming if you're reading this blog, that you have gotten adequate medical advice and it's not a medical issue now.

With a childhood history or even a medical trauma as an adult, trauma therapy may help to desensitize the memories and the events that cause your anxiety. Separating the current day from the past is hard for our “emotional brain,” and EMDR [link to article or video ] can significantly improve our ability to do that. We can also do this with a lot of conscious effort, as in, “I had a dangerous condition in the past, but I do not have it now.” Or: “My chronic condition is manageable. The difficulty I am having now breathing is due to my worries, and I can manage it by not worrying about it!”

I truly know that this is not easy! But the benefits could be enormous!

Reframe the stress. Reframe the breathing difficulty. And, over time, practice the diaphragmatic breathing regularly in a way that is calm, no pressure, and no perfection needed.

Let me know if utilizing these 5 steps helps with your anxiety about breathing!

The Avoidance Anxiety Cycle: What it Is and Why It Is A Problem

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 13 Feb 2024 16:46:39 GMT

You've Heard Avoidance Makes Anxiety Worse... But WHY?

Have you found yourself being anxious about something, and deciding to avoid it? Then, over time, you find your anxiety about it is getting worse and worse?

And perhaps another anxiety is added to the original one: “What if I can’t avoid it?”

So, this is very common. And you might have heard that avoidance makes anxiety worse. But from what I read in popular blogs and see on most YouTube videos, it is not explained very well. I believe my explanation about why avoidance makes anxiety worse will resonate for you. And I’ll also provide some help about what you can do about avoidance anxiety.

What is the Avoidance Anxiety Cycle?

Understanding the avoidance anxiety cycle is very helpful. Seeing this as a cycle helps to identify what impact different thoughts and behaviors have on how you feel, which also helps you figure out where you can “intervene:” where you can make a change so you feel better!

Let's briefly walk through this cycle.

There is an event coming up that you know is going to make you anxious. All you need is the thought of that event to generate the anxiety response in your body. From the thought alone, your body pumps out adrenaline, your muscles get tight, your heart rate goes up, all because of the thought.

When you feel this way, you blame the feeling on the event. This is natural.

Instead of saying to yourself, “Oh, I feel this way because of how I'm thinking about the event,” you say to yourself, “I’m anxious because of this event .”

So if the event is causing the anxiety, what's the most logical thing to do?

Avoid it. Don't go.

Avoid the event.

This conclusion makes sense, right?

When you make that conclusion, you probably feel a sense of relief. “Phew. I just won’t go.”

So the feeling of relief reinforces the decision to avoid.

The problem is we end up avoiding things in a way that restricts our lives, and we know it.

The next time a similar event comes up, we probably have an added anxiety over “Do I go, do I not go? Do I do the thing? Do I not do the thing? How do I get out of it?“

We add a whole cycle of anxiety about whether we avoid or not on top of the original anxiety. Again, once the decision is made to avoid, “phew!”, we have an almost immediate relaxation response.

This relief trains your “old brain” that avoiding is the correct response. It also confirms for your “old brain” that the event is definitely very scary. It is definitely something to avoid.

I sometimes think of our “old brain” as our “inner mammal.” We could call it our inner puppy. If you think about the level of understanding of a puppy, that's the level of understanding the “old brain” has. It is an automatic response part of your brain that gets trained very easily with a treat or a punishment in the moment .

It's not long-term thinking. This is not the part of our brain that can reason, “OK, I have to suffer through this because there is a long-term goal. In the long term, this will be better for me.”

This longer-term thinking might kick in with an understanding that you can’t keep avoiding this. But it is unlikely to overcome the automatic emotional response, particularly if that response has been frequently reinforced with the relief that comes from avoidance.

Your long-term thinking is more likely to turn into self-criticism. Beating yourself up will cause you different pain, but that inner puppy has relaxed.

Let me know in the comments below if this explains why avoidance makes anxiety worse or not.

The Problem With Avoidance Anxiety

So that cycle explains why avoidance will make the original anxiety worse and worse.

And eventually, the fear will actually turn into a fear of fear.

The fear of feeling fear can grow and grow to the point where you are living in an incredibly limited way. The fear can expand to anything even slightly similar to the original feared event. It expands to anything that might cause some anxiety.

The limitations on your life become painful in and of themselves. But because the anxiety is still tied to the event (and now it is tied to many different events), the avoidance can’t be overcome.

Understanding this cycle can help you begin to change that initial thinking.

“ I am feeling anxiety because I have anxiety.”
“I am feeling anxious now because that is my habituated response to this event. It is not due to the event itself.”

This is called a reframe, or a re-attribution. Changing what you are attributing your anxiety to can help you directly address the cause. The cause is the anxiety, not the event . Therefore, the solution is to calm yourself physically.

The other thing that eventually will help lower avoidance anxiety is counter-intuitive. It is to increase your ability to feel anxious.

I know you probably don’t want to hear that. But one of the main things that is actually required to get over avoidance anxiety is to increase your ability to let yourself feel anxiety .

In my next blog, I will share more on how to overcome avoidance anxiety.

Let me know what you think about this explanation of why avoidance makes anxiety worse!

5 Tips To Help Anticipatory Anxiety

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 06 Feb 2024 17:10:15 GMT

Anticipatory anxiety is a movie in your head that is making you miserable.

So, first, a secret:

All anxiety is anticipatory.

Now for people who experience somatic anxiety, which means the physical symptoms of anxiety, they'll say, “No, that's not true. I’m not anticipating anything, I’m just feeling anxious.”

But even when those feelings are in your body, your brain is interpreting these feelings as a problem or as indicating a problem. ( And somatic anxiety is complicated! So, more on that topic is here: Somatic vs Cognitive Anxiety ). So a feeling of dread might lead you to think, “Okay, I'm not worried about anything... but there must be something I need to worry about in the future because my body is feeling this way.”

So, yes, the somatic feelings are happening right now, but they are connected to the anticipation of some type of danger.

What is Anticipatory Anxiety?
Anticipatory anxiety is any kind of anxiety that is tied to a future event . Sometimes it is a major event that you're worried about, and most people have that once in a while in their life.

Other times it could be minor events, or it could be something that's related to a very upsetting or traumatic incident from your past.

One problem with anticipatory anxiety is that if it is left unchecked, it might apply to more and more things, and, eventually, you develop a fear of feeling fear . You develop an anxiety about, “Oh no, am I going to get anxious?”

Let’s use the example of social anxiety to explain anticipatory anxiety further. People with social anxiety are not only anxious when they are at a social event. Their anxiety starts before the event, well before it. And often it is a fear that they will show signs of anxiety at the event and other people will notice. Or it might be a fear that they will say something stupid. And thinking about these possibilities will make them even more anxious now, sometimes weeks or months before the event.

A common response to this anxiety is for the person to decide not to go to the event. When they make that decision, they probably feel temporary relief. But, their self-criticism might kick in in a very strong way. They will feel more and more stuck in a rut. But the relief of that decision to avoid is very reinforcing, and it teaches the “old brain” that avoiding is the right answer. [My blog next week will be on the Avoidance Anxiety Cycle, so check back!].

As I mentioned earlier, anticipatory anxiety is part of almost every single anxiety disorder. Anticipatory anxiety is not a diagnosis in and of itself. Rather, it is an expression that describes the phenomena of the worrying.

Now, anticipation is not all bad. In fact, the human brain is an anticipatory machine. That is one reason humans have been so successful on this planet.

When we see a potential problem coming up, we can think through steps to take care of it. That is healthy, reasonable, adaptive. A little bit of anxiety can be helpful. The innate biological responses of adrenaline kicking in a little bit helps us focus and plan. But when too large of a fear response kicks in when the fear is not present, it can lead to overwhelm, shutdown, or panic.

[Last week’s blog and video were on the difference between fear and anxiety. If you haven’t read it, you can access it here ].

In short, fear is in the moment. Anxiety is anticipatory. Let's say there's a dinosaur right in front of you, boom, your fight, flight, freeze response kicks in. You run, freeze or fight. That's appropriate.

But when you have the thought of that dinosaur attacking you (or the thought of whatever it is that you're afraid of), your body is responding almost as strongly as if it was actually happening. But it's not. There's nothing to flee from physically. There's nothing to physically fight, and there's no reason to physically freeze. Doesn't mean we don't do one of those three things, but there's no immediate danger present to cause that.

So let's talk about the Anticipatory Anxiety Cycle.

The threat of a future problem creates anticipatory anxiety. There is an immediate chemical response in your body. Those fight, flight, freeze chemicals make you feel, “I have to do something! Now !”

And since there is nothing to flee from and nothing to fight, that feeling often can lead to either a compulsive behavior or avoidance.

And then you get temporary relief from the compulsive behavior or the avoidance. This temporary relief reinforces this cycle and actually keeps the fear going. The temporary relief is training your old brain that that is a good response, the right response. Your old brain learns: “If this ever comes up again, that is the response I’ll choose.”

So eventually, this cycle leads to that fear of fear.

It’s not just a fear of one event, it's fear of any event like that. And you begin to experience those anxiety symptoms earlier and earlier and earlier. And if we're anxious about future events, but we begin to anticipate it and feel the anxiety really, really early, we will always be feeling anxiety because there will always be something somewhat uncertain. There'll always be a future event. There'll always be something we don't like. So the anxiety just really feeds on itself.

Alright, so what can help? I am going to go through five tips, but I just want to say they are all interrelated. They all go together. Working with them as a whole will be the most helpful for you.

Tip #1: Keep the word ANTICIPATORY in mind.

When you feel anxiety, remind yourself that what you're imagining is not actually happening. Remind yourself that you are anticipating something that feels scary, but it is not scary now. It does not require your fight, flight, freeze chemicals now (and probably doesn’t require them at the time of the event either).

Now, anxiety convinces us fully that it (the anxiety) needs to be there. It will convince us that this horrible thing is going to happen, and that you must worry about it now.

But this is a falsehood. It's actually not true. If there is something to do, you can do it (I call that productive worry). But that is not what develops into anxiety. The unproductive worry – the worry about things that you can’t do anything about – that is anxiety.

Tip #2: Mindfulness

Once we recognize that our anxiety is about something that is not happening now, we can bring our attention back to the present moment. Grounding techniques and diaphragmatic breathing are very helpful for this. Be aware of your feet on the floor; Look around the room for three items that are blue, three items that are red, three items that are yellow. These kinds of exercises really ground us in the present moment.

Anticipatory anxiety is the opposite of being mindfully present. If we're mindfully aware with our senses, then we can't be lost in the anticipatory anxiety. So weaving mindfulness practices into your day on a regular basis is very, very helpful.

These practices aren't going to immediately solve this problem for you. It doesn't happen that way. But the gradual process of bringing your mind back to the moment with sensory awareness will make an enormous difference over time.

I do want to mention I have a free webinar called Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence . And it's all about using these kind of tools to rewire the pathways, right? Because if we have automatic anticipatory anxiety or automatic fear of an event or fear of an item or an object or anything, if we have these automatic responses, we are creating super highways in our brain.

The synapses get myelinated together. It actually is a superhighway. Those neurons and synapses get used to talking to one another and they do it super fast, before you can intervene. So the matter of retraining your brain really means bringing in some of these practices regularly. (A lot of people have found that webinar really helpful, so feel free to check it out!).

Tip #3: Practice somatic methods of calming yourself regularly.

When that physical response to the anxiety kicks in, say to yourself, “Okay, I don’t need this physical response. I'm going to bring my mind back to the moment.” And then use physically calming techniques: diaphragmatic breathing, petting an animal, walking in nature, listening to the birds. Utilize any natural method of lowering your blood pressure, lowering your pulse rate, relaxing your muscles… (Not alcohol or medications – these are biphasic… let me know in the comments if you’d like a longer explanation of this!)

Tip #4: The Movie Technique.

So we talked about how your brain is creating a story when you have anticipatory anxiety. It is usually a pretty unpleasant story, possibly catastrophic.

Let's see if you can come up with a different story and a different ending. Your inclination when I suggest this might be to create a really positive ending, which is ok, but then your brain might kick in and totally discredit that ending. Thoughts like, “No, that's never going to happen to me. I'm never lucky.” Or, it might be “No way, I'm not good enough,” or “I don't deserve that,” Whatever your habitual self-criticisms are, they will kick in if you try to make that ending too good.

So let's find a neutral ending. With most movies we watch or novels we read, some good things happen to the main character, and then some not so good things happen. Then good things and then not so good things… this is what makes an interesting story.

Stories that are neutral are not very interesting. Your brain won’t go there naturally. Yet very often things are neutral.

So, try and see if you can come up with a neutral story. And bring in the awareness that your brain might be avoiding the neutral story because it doesn’t like to be bored! A catastrophic story is SO much more interesting! But, as you well know, those catastrophic stories that our brains generate cause a lot of other problems for us. And, they make our lives pretty miserable.

Now, the movie technique can be used even more extensively when you actually visualize watching a movie of a character that looks like you, but isn't you, going through the same kind of worries and concerns that you're going through. If you really take some time to picture this, you probably will feel compassion for the character going through what you are going through.

You know why? Human life is hard. We have to deal with a lot of hard, uncomfortable things. There is a lot of uncertainty. There are many things we want to control that we can't control.

So when you see it as a movie, you're more likely to have compassion for the character and then you can try to bring that compassion towards yourself. And self-compassion has actually been shown to help lower anxiety.

Tip #5: Meditation

Many people don’t want to hear this suggestion. People with a lot of anxiety have a hard time meditating and will often say, “I can't meditate.” (And I do have a video on this that I will link here). And one reason meditation is hard is that it is boring! Being bored can make people feel anxious. Yet, increasing your tolerance to that boredom, and increasing your tolerance to feel your anxiety without doing anything, over time, can help enormously.

And when I say meditation, I want to clarify something. A lot of people use guided meditations. These can be very, very useful. Truly. But I see the guided meditations more in the category of my tip number three: generally they aim for somatic relaxation. Guided meditations help you feel calmer. They guide you and help you physiologically relax.

Pure mindfulness meditation is where you sit, let's say for 10 minutes in silence, staring at a spot on the floor or with your eyes closed, and you continually try to bring your attention back to the present moment. This is hard, but it has benefits beyond the physiologically relaxing meditations. It dramatically increases your ability to stay present with whatever is happening – the good, the bad and the neutral. It significantly increases your ability to be aware of your thoughts. The Observer Mind is the part of our brain that observes what the rest of the brain is doing. The Observer Mind observes our thoughts. “Oh, there I go again, worrying about that again.” “Ah, here is the old ‘I’m not good enough theme.’

Yet, over time, you will begin to see things so much clearer. We strengthen our ability to differentiate between the fantasy that is happening in our thoughts and what is actually happening in the present moment. This is really the key to overcoming anticipatory anxiety.

Over time, meditation has a dramatic impact on our ability to cut out excessive anticipatory anxiety.

So I'd love to know what you think about this. If you have other tools and techniques that you find useful, please share them below. If you have any questions or if you want me to elaborate on something, let me know in the comments.

Post Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, Certified Coach is a psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety and trauma. She had a private practice for 20 years in Connecticut before starting her YouTube channel and creating online programs to help people live more joyful lives. She has an MBA from Columbia University, an MSW from Southern CT State University and a BA from Yale University. She is an LCSW and an EMDR Approved Consultant.

Anxiety vs Fear

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 30 Jan 2024 17:14:43 GMT

Understanding the Difference Between Anxiety and Fear Can Help You Lower Your Anxiety!

What's the difference between fear and anxiety?

Are they the same?

Does it matter?

I do think that understanding the difference between fear and anxiety can actually help you to lower your anxiety.

In popular usage, these terms are often used interchangeably. And obviously words change as common usage changes.

However, in the scientific field, the difference between fear and anxiety is seen as quite important.

Fear occurs when the threat is real and present.

Anxiety is the emotion we feel when we are anticipating an event, or sometimes it's physical feelings of anxiety that are not tied to an obvious immediate threat.

Let me use some pictures to show this. Alright, you got the dinosaur there. You don't think about it. You don't ponder what to do.

You don't go through a lot of machinations mentally, right? You run or hide or freeze. That's our fight, flight, freeze response, kicking in immediately because you got a dinosaur there.

So when you have the thought of a dinosaur and know it will be dangerous, then you feel anxiety.

The man faced with the dinosaur has a fear response that clicks in immediately - BOOM! His adrenaline spiked, his muscles tensed, his heart rate went up. His digestive system probably stopped working. He had a single-minded focus, right?

A focus to RUN!

Let's go to the person who thinks about the threat of a dinosaur. (And I do know that none of you are worried about the threat of a dinosaur! But whatever the threat is, let's just give it the picture of a dinosaur).

The thought of the dinosaur makes the person worry, and, immediately, their body is flooded with adrenaline. Muscles tense, heart rate goes up, pulse goes out of control. Some people might sweat. Our digestive systems shut down, and we are single-mindedly focused on a danger that is not in front of us.

So all those chemical and physical reactions that kick in when immediate threat is present, they kick in when you worry about something. BUT your body doesn't need to run. You don't need to fight, flee, or hide. But you feel like you do.

Now, there's been some debate in the scientific community about what actually is happening in the brain when somebody feels fear and somebody feels anxiety. There is agreement, however, that our defensive circuits kick in right away with both fear and with anxiety. There is some scientific research showing that the response is almost exactly the same between the two.

With anxiety, we have more ability to use our frontal lobe to calm the other parts of the brain, to help ourselves realize “The threat is not here now.” But this takes practice and effort. And we often are not taught how to do that.

So the reason I think this can be super helpful for you to understand if you have anxiety is that you can begin to try to calm your body physically. You can reassure yourself that the chemical response you're having is not tied to the event you're nervous about. Somatic interventions such as diaphragmatic breathing and grounding exercises can help you lower your anxious response, which then helps you think more clearly.

I know this is super difficult to do, but it's possible. It helps to understand that your body is having an overblown response to a possible future threat or danger, and probably it's also a response that would be appropriate if it were a physical danger, like your life is in danger.

Most of the things we worry about are not immediate bodily threats.

When we physically confuse anxiety with fear, and have a strong fear response to anticipatory anxiety, our brains get wired to respond in that manner. If we repeat this a few times, it becomes a habitual pattern.

As things are habituated, we actually create superhighways in our brain where the different neurons firing are tied to fire together in the same patterns.

I do have a free webinar which explains this further, Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence. This webinar also provides scientific research that shows you CAN rewire your brain. You actually can do this. You can access the webinar with this link: Rewire Your Brain For Joy and Confidence

This post can help you lower your anxiety by understanding the difference between fear and anxiety. Understanding that your body chemically responds to anxiety in the same way that it responds to fear can help you begin to calm your body physically when you feel anxious. Somatic interventions can be very effective if you would like to calm anxiety.

Enmeshment In Romantic Relationships

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Thu, 18 Jan 2024 03:39:22 GMT

Enmeshment In Romantic Relationships

Are all romantic relationships enmeshed?

What does enmeshment look like in romance?

What IS a healthy relationship?

In the early stages of romantic relationships, especially during the intense "falling in love" period, enmeshment is not uncommon. In the puppy love stage, it’s common to be overly involved and want to do everything together. You might feel like you are “the same person.” Or at least soul mates.

But as the relationship matures, finding a balance between closeness and independence becomes crucial.

Being in an ongoing enmeshed relationship can eventually feel soul-crushing. You might never feel like you can truly be YOU.

The opposite of enmeshment is being able to be fully who you are within a relationship. This requires vulnerability, intimacy, inter-dependence and an ability to tolerate some degree of conflict…. But before we go there, let’s talk about 7 signs of an enmeshed romantic relationship…

1. Pressure to Agree: ��

Feeling pressured to agree on ideas, beliefs, and behaviors indicates enmeshment. This goes beyond seeking support and understanding in conflicts, which is natural, but is more of a constant, intense pressure to subtly forfeit your individuality.

2. Excessive Worry: ��

If you or your partner is constantly worried about the other, you may be enmeshed. Of course it is normal to worry from time to time, but if you’re finding that your worry is getting in the way of your wellbeing and day-to-day life, you may be enmeshed.

3. “Should” Language: ��

Someone who is enmeshed generally thinks they know what’s best for the other person. If you find yourself saying “you should” often to your partner, you may be infringing your wants onto the other person Similarly, if you are always being told what you “should” do, and you acquiesce or agree rather than setting boundaries, you are likely enmeshed.

4. Blaming Emotions on Others: ��

On the same note, enmeshment can look like blaming others for our emotions and finding ourselves saying someone "made" us feel a certain way.

This language is super common in our culture. “He made me mad.” “She made me so happy.” See if it is possible to switch that to “I felt mad when he…” or “I felt so happy when she…” For more on this, watch the full video: https://youtu.be/6TUGoD25wA0

5. Rigid Roles: ��

Are you and your partner stuck in very ingrained patterns or roles? If we are rigidly playing a role, we can not be our true selves.

Now, this does not mean that we don’t take on different roles for different occasions. The role of a mom is different from the role of a spouse. We adapt to different relationships which is healthy and, well, adaptive ��.

A rigid role would be that you are always the “competent” one, and your partner is always the “joker.” Or you are always the one compromising and sacrificing your needs, and your partner is always the one demanding things be a certain way.

Enmeshment generally comes from dysfunctional families, and we learn these rigid roles young... Do you identify with the Hero Child , Scapegoat, Lost Child or Mascot?. For an overall discussion of Dysfunctional Family Roles, click the blog post here .

6. Lack of Autonomy: ��

Feeling that you are not you without your partner could signal enmeshment. Particularly, if it is combined with a feeling that you can’t truly be you with your partner… OK, that probably requires a lot more explanation! Comment below if you’d like to see more on this.

Of course, most of us don’t want to live without our partners if we are in a good relationship, but if separation is intolerable for you or your partner, that would be enmeshment.

I do have a video on the difference between dependence and enmeshment. But certain types of dependence can indicate enmeshment.

7. Emotional Fusion: ��

Emotional fusion is the core of enmeshment. This is when you don’t know where the other person's emotions end and yours begin. You take on their emotions. You might spend an inordinate amount of time trying to manage their mood or their behaviors. Or you might be on the receiving end of this.

So you may be enmeshed… Now what? ��

Learning how to set healthy boundaries is critical for recovering from enmeshment.

If you’re not sure where to start, I have a free boundary quiz which will help you gain insights into your boundary personality style. It is a great place to start the journey of really figuring out why boundaries are so tough for you.

By setting these boundaries you’re able to un-entangle yourself from the web of enmeshment, discover who you really are, and live a full life. ��

This article describes seven signs of enmeshment in a romantic relationship. Being romantically enmeshed can lead you to feel like you no longer know who you are. Since enmeshment is the opposite of individuation, it truly is impossible to be your true self within an enmeshed relationship. Enmeshment often comes from a dysfunctional family system with very rigid roles, and they can be replayed in your romantic relationship.

How To Talk To Your Enmeshed Partner

Thu, 18 Jan 2024 03:21:25 GMT

Enmeshment: Talking to Your Enmeshed Partner

If you have a loved one that comes from an enmeshed family system, you may feel neglected, frustrated, or simply that you’re not a priority. It is so disheartening.

Since it is so clear from the outside that our loved one is in a damaging relationship, it is also so confusing because they don’t seem willing to acknowledge, or, if they will acknowledge it, they don’t feel they can do anything about it.

I have so often heard from my clients, “How do I talk to my spouse about their famiy’s enmeshment?” “How do I help my partner see that the relationship is not good for them?”

Almost always, my clients have wanted to focus on helping their partner see it is bad for them. Their inclination is to tell their partner what they should and shouldn’t do.

It seems so much harder for most of us to talk about the impact it is having on us… the needs that we have that aren’t being met. This is often because we have deep-seated beliefs that our needs don’t matter. Or negative core beliefs that it is dangerous or selfish to express our needs.*

But instead of saying, "You need to change," “You should stop doing so much for your family” or “This isn’t good for you!,” it’s much more impactful to focus on expressing how their enmeshment affects you emotionally and creates challenges in your relationship.

Doing this in an open and vulnerable way can move the conversation away from a place of unintentional blaming or shame to a place of concern and understanding.

Some possible ways to phrase it might be:

“I feel neglected.”

“I know I contribute to this dynamic between us and I’d love it if we can look at this issue together.”

This conversation can be so difficult because oftentimes, those who are enmeshed date those who are enmeshed. Your partner probably shares the same negative core beliefs of “it is not ok to have needs.” Setting healthy boundaries is not first nature for either person. I do have a blog on Enmeshment In A Romantic Relationship., which might be helpful for you

I do have a free PDF on Transforming Your Negative Core Beliefs which may be helpful if these feelings of “I’m not allowed to have needs” resonate with you.. ��

Enmeshment, enmeshment in a romantic relationship, enmeshed relationship, enmeshed partner, how to talk to my enmeshed partner, enmeshed family system, enmeshed family unit, enmeshed family.

What Is Enmeshment?

barbara@barbaraheffernan.com (Barbara Heffernan) — Tue, 09 Jan 2024 16:00:00 GMT

What Is Enmeshment?

Although enmeshment and dependence are commonly mistaken for one another, the two are actually very different!

To be enmeshed is to be entangled, or trapped in a web. So if you’re in an enmeshed relationship or family system, it can be hard to know which emotions are yours. You may feel responsible for others feelings or outcome, even though they are fully grown and capable of taking care of themselves. ��

Enmeshment is really about not having healthy boundaries, and boundaries are really about knowing where we end and where the other person begins, what we are responsible for and what the other person is responsible for.

Dependence generally refers to a state in which someone relies on or is influenced by something or someone else. In the context of relationships, dependence may manifest as one person relying heavily on another emotionally, financially, or in various other aspects of life. Some dependence in a relationship is actually a good thing. ✅

When you’re in an enmeshed relationship or family unit, you’re stuck in a persona or role and are only able to show one side of who you are, which can be very harmful becasue we are complex beings– not just roles! ��

Now, let's put this knowledge to the test. Can you guess who's enmeshed in the following scenarios?

Scenario 1: Suzy

Suzy, the family organizer, financial advisor, and caregiver for everyone. She may seem independent, but deep down, she believes her role is to take care of the family, and they rely on her to do so. Answer: Suzy is enmeshed. She plays multiple roles and feels responsible for the well-being of the entire family, blurring healthy boundaries.

Scenario 2: Sarah

Sarah, the teenage listener for her dad's problems, who feels guilty when not around. Is it her responsibility, or is her dad enmeshed in relying on her emotional support? Answer: Both Sarah and her dad are enmeshed. Her dad relies on her for emotional support, and Sarah feels responsible for his well-being, blurring the boundaries between parent and child.

Scenario 3: Serena

Serena, upset about her boyfriend's nights out, leading to lies and secrecy. Is she enmeshed in her need for control, or is the boyfriend hiding parts of himself to maintain the relationship? Answer: The boyfriend is enmeshed. He lies and hides parts of himself to keep Serena close. Serena's reaction is a response to the boyfriend's behavior, but it doesn't necessarily indicate enmeshment.

Scenario 4: Sam

Sam, distraught about his wife in the ICU, neglecting his own needs. Is it a normal reaction to a crisis, or is he enmeshed in taking on more than he can handle? Answer: Sam is in a crisis, not necessarily enmeshed. His extreme emotional reaction is a normal response to a critical situation, and he's not necessarily blurring boundaries.

Hopefully these examples helped you to understand the difference between enmeshment and dependence, and you can apply your knowledge to your situation. And if it seems like you are struggling with enmeshment, I invite you to take my boundary personality quiz so you can identify your boundary personality type and begin to live your life to the fullest.

Procrastination and Perfectionism

Mon, 08 Jan 2024 01:23:58 GMT

Procrastination and Perfectionism

Do you ever find yourself thinking about a project and getting overwhelmed by all of the great ideas you have, or avoiding your most important tasks?

Or maybe you start a project, but it’s not quite up to standard, and you may not get around to finishing until the last minute?

Or you might even find yourself pushing the limits on budgets or deadlines because you know things can always be better…

If so, you’re experiencing first-hand the interconnectedness between perfectionism and procrastination.

This can be a challenging cycle to break, but there are some frameworks that are helpful to keep in mind when you find yourself going down this path…

#1 Recognize and list the constraints of your project—consider time, budget, materials, and support.

#2 Apply the 80-20 Rule, which states that 80% of results come from 20% of the effort. By following this rule, you’re able to put your energy into the most productive places.

#3 Embrace "good enough" & acknowledge that perfection is not required for success. A C is a passing grade… In which areas of your life can you accept a C?

#4 Develop a sense of humor about the perfectionist impulse to lighten the mood and gain perspective.

By taking these actions steps, you’re on your way to breaking free from the perfectionism-procrastination loop and living a more relaxing, productive life.

The 6 cognitive distortions beneath perfectionism

Tue, 12 Dec 2023 02:27:09 GMT

The 6 cognitive distortions beneath perfectionism

In the relentless pursuit of perfection, we often find ourselves tangled in a web of anxiety, overwhelmed by impossible standards, and grappling with feelings of inadequacy. The pressure to be flawless all the time takes a toll on our mental well-being, leading to a cycle of negative emotions.

But breaking free isn't easy! We have cognitive distortions that have made themselves at home in our brains, making it challenging to make real changes. But it's not impossible, and understanding what these distortions are will get us that much closer to freedom. Let's explore them together...

The 6 Cognitive Distortions beneath perfectionism:

All-or-Nothing Thinking: Life isn't a black-and-white, pass-or-fail exam. Instead of getting trapped in extremes, let's revel in the beauty of life's nuanced shades of gray.
Negative Lens: Trade the magnifying glass for a panoramic view. Perfectionism often fixates on flaws, but the journey is about celebrating both the victories and the imperfections.
Labeling: Slapping labels like "failure" or "perfection" oversimplifies our complex nature. Embrace the beautifully messy, imperfect, and wonderfully unique self you are.
Personalizing or Blaming: Success and failure are collaborative efforts. Acknowledge the power of collaboration in your journey, understanding that it's okay not to bear the weight of every outcome alone.
Magical Thinking: The belief that perfection guarantees happiness is a mirage. True joy lies in embracing the imperfect journey, finding contentment in progress rather than fixating on a flawless destination.
Core Negative Beliefs: Childhood beliefs that tie love or safety to perfection need a revamp. Challenge these outdated notions and rewrite your story with positive, adaptive beliefs that reflect your true worth.

Which distortion stands out the most to you? Let's talk about it in the comment section here, or in my most recent YouTube video, where I dive deeper into these 6 distortions and go throgh an exercise to help.

Embracing imperfection,

Barbara

Social Anxiety Around The Holidays: Why It Happens & 3 Tips To Help

Tue, 05 Dec 2023 02:38:32 GMT

Social Anxiety Around The Holidays: Why It Happens & 3 Tips To Help

Ever feel like the twinkling lights and festive cheer of the holidays come with an uninvited guest – social anxiety?

Today, we're unwrapping a topic as real as the joy of the season: navigating social anxiety during the holidays. If you've ever found yourself yearning for a quiet corner while the world celebrates, you're not alone.

Let’s discuss some of the reasons we feel this way…

Comparisonitis:

The holidays tend to trigger comparisonitis – she's married, they have kids, and the list goes on… We often feel like we don’t stack up to these desires we have for what we want our lives to look like! If you struggle with this, I invite you to download my free PDF on Transforming Negative Core Beliefs which has helped many people get off of the comparisonitis hamster wheel.

Small-Talk:

Many people with social anxiety hate the idea of small talk. We find ourselves repeating things we’ve already said, and having really surface level conversations that just don’t feel genuine.

Self-image issues:

Worrying about appearances reaches a peak during the holidays. How we look, what we eat – the holiday feast can bring a lot of stress.

Family Dynamics:

Family dynamics during the holidays – need I say more? The unfiltered judgments, subtle competition, it's a real-life sitcom.

If any of these factors are increasing social anxiety for you during the holidays, know that you're not alone. The struggle is shared, and it's okay to acknowledge it. But there is hope for a cheerful season!

Here are some things we can do to help with social anxiety during the holidays…

Label Your Anxious Thoughts:

When those anxious thoughts pop up – the worry about judgment, the comparisonitis – label them. It's a small act that can make a big difference.

Physiological Calming Tricks:

Connect your mind and body. Take a deep breath, go for a walk, or imagine something soothing, like petting a puppy. Your physiology can be your ally.

Shift the Focus - Mindful Listening:

Break free from the inward-focused loop by actively focusing on others. Engage in mindful listening during conversations. Shifting your focus can ease the tension.

As we navigate the holiday social maze together, I wish you a season filled with genuine connections, laughter, and moments of peace. Remember, you're not alone – we've got each other's back. Here's to a joyous and stress-free holiday season! ��

Warmly,

Barbara

How To Cope With Holiday Stress - 4 Tips

Tue, 28 Nov 2023 03:31:01 GMT

Fighting Holiday Stress - How To Make Holidays Better

The holiday season can be a very stressful time of year! We are pulled in so many directions and can feel immense pressure to do it all.

It’s easy to get caught up in the stress of the season and go into the New Year feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and even resentful of what did or didn’t happen in the final months of the year.

To set you up for success, I wanted to share some insights and tips to help make this time of year less stressful and more meaningful for you and your loved ones.

Step 1: Envision Your Ideal Holiday

Take a moment to think about your vision for the holidays. What would you ideally like to see happen? Consider the activities, the people, and the values you want to prioritize. Whether it's quality time with family, moments of self-care, or infusing meaning into your celebrations, let your imagination flow without worrying about practicality.

Step 2: Reflect on Your Values

Now, reflect on the values embedded in your ideal holiday vision. If you prioritize meaningful time with family, the value may be a strong connection with your loved ones. If it's about taking a solo trip, the values reflect self-care and rejuvenation. Understanding these values is crucial so they can guide your choices and actions during the season.

Step 3: Learn from Past Experiences

Consider past holiday experiences that were challenging for you. Identify the values that were reflected in the choices you made and led to difficulties. For instance, overspending on gifts might reflect a value of generosity (...or people-pleasing…), but it could conflict with the value of financial responsibility. Recognizing these conflicts is the first step towards making positive changes.

Step 4: Plan According to Your Values

Armed with the knowledge of your values and value conflicts, create a plan for the holidays. Whether it's setting a budget for gifts, managing your schedule, or finding moments for self-care, tailor your plan to align with your values. Remember, your plan should reflect a balance that makes you and those you care about happy.

And here are some slogans to keep in your back pocket when things get tough…

Expect the Expected: Particularly when it comes to relatives, anticipate people’s behavior based on past experiences, not on what you’d like their behavior to be. This enables you to plan and reduce frustration.

Things Will Never Be Perfect: Accept imperfections and focus on what you can control. Perfect scenarios often involve a change in other people’s behavior, which might not happen and is beyond your control.

Boundaries Are for You: Establish boundaries for yourself, not to change others' behavior. Your boundaries are about self-care and self-respect. If you’re not sure how to go about this, I invite you to take the ultimate boundary quiz & find out your boundary personality type!

My Feelings Are Valid: Acknowledge and validate your feelings, allowing yourself the space to experience and express them without judgment. We often think we “should” be having certain feelings, and then become frustrated at ourselves that we are not having them. All sorts of feelings come up around the holidays: grief, sadness, joy, exhaustion, anticipation, anxiety, etc, etc, etc. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions.

Joy Happens in the Moment: Find joy in mindfulness, appreciating the present moment. Letting go of worries about the past or future is facilitated by focusing on sensory experiences in the moment: the sound of birds or beautiful music, a comforting smell...

I hope these insights and tips bring a sense of clarity and empowerment as you navigate the holiday season. Remember, your well-being is a priority, and by staying true to your values, you can create a holiday experience that is both meaningful and joyful.

Wishing you a season filled with love, joy, and cherished moments.

Why Are The Holidays So Miserable?

Wed, 22 Nov 2023 03:19:24 GMT

Why are the holidays so miserable? A top 10 countdown...

More than half of all people say that their stress goes up considerably during the holidays, making the season not exactly the “most wonderful time of the year”...

In my many years as a psychotherapist, I’ve learned that there are 10 main reasons why the holidays can be miserable for some people.

Let’s talk about them…

#1 Financial Stress

Financial stress affects over 60% of adults during the holidays. The pressure to meet societal and personal expectations amplifies the strain.

#2 Time Stress

With 67% of people feeling time-strapped during the season, balancing our already busy lives with holiday preparations becomes a daunting task.

#3 Gift Anxiety

The significance we attach to gifts often transcends the act of giving, adding layers of pressure and emotion. Did we spend the same on everyone? Is so-and-so going to get us a gift, so we should get her one? There are many instances in which we overthink the act of gift-giving and forget the true significance behind the gesture.

#4 Societal Ideals

During the holidays, we often have these societal ideals, expectations, or fantasies of the perfect loving family. We envision everyone gathering cheerfully, behaving in a loving, kind way towards each other, and having delicious food. In our imagination, everything goes extremely well. But that’s not usually the case, which sets us up for disappointment.

#5 Difficult Emotions

A recent poll showed that 68% of people feel an increase in fatigue during the holidays, 61% feel an increase in stress, and 52% feel an increase in irritability. And about a third of all people feel an increase in sadness, anger, and loneliness. This comes from many places including expectations of others, pessures we put on ourselves, and pressures we feel coming from others.

#6 Dysfunctional Family Roles

Family gatherings have a peculiar way of resurrecting deeply ingrained family roles. Whether you find yourself in the caretaker role, striving to make everything perfect, or as the scapegoat, anticipating blame and criticism, these roles can trigger resentment and loneliness.

The hero child might feel compelled to organize events and ensure everyone is pleased. The scapegoat anticipates blame and criticism, contributing to a sense of isolation. The lost child seeks refuge from conflict, often missing out on the festivities. The mascot, tasked with cheering everyone up, can end up feeling exhausted and overlooked.

#7 Grief

Whether someone has passed away, or things are just changing in your life, grief is heightened udring holidays. For me, as my kids get older, holidays can be difficult because things are so different now. Everyone has their own lives (which is great!) but I do have to decide who I am going to spend the holiday with, how I can be there for everyone, and also grief that we’re not all under one roof anymore.

#8 Tough Choices

During the holidays, navigating tough decisions becomes a common challenge. From choosing which families to visit to managing time, money, and dealing with toxic family dynamics, making these choices can add to the complexities of the season.

#9 Expectations of Others

This ties to previous points, because of course want everyone to be happy and taken care of for the holidays! But it becomes difficult when we have expectations of others that they have probably already proven to us that they are not going to meet. If you have somebody in your life who has consistently shown you that they are not going to meet those behaviors, they are not going to do what should be done, then having those expectations despite what has already been proven to you is going to cause you pain. Instead of getting our hopes up for a new and improved outcome, expect the expected.

#10 Self-Expectations

Especially during the holidays, we tend to place hefty expectations on ourselves, striving for an almost perfect and ideal celebration. However, this pursuit often results in disappointment and self-criticism when things don't unfold as planned. It's crucial to be kind to ourselves, recognizing that it's absolutely fine not to meet every expectation. Embrace the imperfect moments of the holiday season, fostering self-compassion and finding joy in the journey rather than fixating on an elusive, flawless destination. Remember, it's okay not to have everything perfectly aligned.

Which of these is resonating the most with you?

Did I miss any of your holiday stressors?

Let me know in the comments, and take care of yourself this season.

How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

Wed, 15 Nov 2023 16:00:01 GMT

How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

Comparison truly is the thief of joy. I'm sure you've heard this quote before, and boy, does it ring true. It's like we're constantly sizing ourselves up against others and falling short.

Throughout my 20 years as a psychotherapist, I saw the suffering that arises from comparing ourselves to others. It wreaks havoc on our self-esteem and it contributes to anxiety and depression.

But here's the thing. There are two fundamental truths underneath this whole comparison game that, when grasped, can set us free from the grip of this painful habit.

Truth #1: Scarcity Mindset vs. Growth Mindset

Comparisonitis reflects a scarcity mindset. It is based on a feeling of “they have this” and “I can’t.”

A growth mindset turns others' success into inspiration, not threat.The growth mindset sees someone who has something you want and turns it into: ok, what can I learn. What can I put in place to achieve what I want?

It's about believing in your potential.

Truth #2: Insides vs. Outsides

When we compare ourselves we are always comparing our insides to someone else's outsides.

Think about it. You see someone successful, beautiful, or seemingly put together, but you don't see the struggles, the insecurities, the challenges they face. You don’t see the pain they still have in their life.

It's like watching a movie and assuming you know the whole plot by just looking at the poster.

Let’s get practical: A visualization that can help you.

Bring up a recent moment where you found yourself caught in the comparison trap?

Picture the scene. Feel the physical sensations that come with it. What changes in your body when you bring this to mind?

Now, identify the emotions that go with it. Is it shame, envy, a feeling of unfairness? Something else?

Then, think through the negative core belief that goes with that emotion and those physical feelings. Identifying this core belief is the key to breaking free from this painful habit.

I do have a free PDF, Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs , that will help you identify these beliefs. It also walks you through three exercises to begin to change these into positive, adaptive beliefs. Click here for the PDF .

Remember, life isn't a competition.

Joy comes from embracing the imperfect journey, not the flawless destination.

Saying Yes to Family Too Often?

Tue, 19 Sep 2023 15:37:22 GMT

Sometimes we do have to sacrifice our needs for loved ones.

But not all of the time.

Not in every circumstance.

And not to the point that it’s harming us.

Here are some things to consider which can help you to begin saying no when appropriate…

It is likely you had the role of appeasing others when you grew up.

Often this becomes a pattern and you find yourself unable to say no to your family members.

You are used to family members or the family system ignoring your needs.

You may be super competent and because of that you have to help those who aren’t.

This leads to pressure growing up to be the ‘rock’ in the family. But being the rock becomes uncomfortable because... well... we aren't rocks.

And these patterns can be reversed.

Here’s how…

Recognize your soft spots.

Maybe your soft spot is your adult children.

You give them money every time they ask.

Meanwhile, you’re wishing you could retire, but you can’t because you’re giving them so much…

Of course, you want to help your child, but not at the risk of your future.

It’s time to change the contract.

Sit them down and say that you have to make a change to take care of yourself.

This can be uncomfortable, but necessary to respect your own needs.

This doesn’t mean immediately or fully cutting off the help you have been giving them.

You can come up with a plan to slowly stop and help them become more independent so that you can take care of your own needs.

Enforce your own boundaries.

We often hope that by sharing our boundaries with others, they will respect them.

Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

It is important to focus on the consequences that you can enforce, and not to focus on the other person’s behavior.

I’ve found that this concept is difficult to grasp. We really, truly want the other person’s behavior to change. I spend a fair amount of time on this in my Ultimate Boundary Course , which people have found extremely useful. We also do the deeper work required to really change these habits…

Understand, truly, that your needs matter.

Other able-bodied adults can take care of their own needs, almost all of the time. Your purpose is not to fix them or be at their beck and call.

You are responsible for your own needs. No one else can even take care of your own needs like you can.

If you want to learn more about how to say no to family members, I just made a video that you can watch here: How to Say No to a Family Member .

The video answers these questions:
Why can't I say no to family members?
How do I say no to a family member?
How do I say no without guilt?

Saying no without feeling guilty is critically important in life. No is not a conflict word! It can actually help with conflict.
Let me know your thoughts below!

5 Exercises to Heal Anxiety

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 19:06:22 GMT

Are you struggling to navigate life with daily anxiety?

You are not alone. Excessive anxiety is incredibly common.

Today, I want to share some reasons we feel so much anxiety and some exercises to help quiet your anxiety.

A key to beginning to heal from anxiety is to fully understand the cycle of feelings, behaviors and thoughts that happens for you.

If there is an external event that "causes" your anxiety, where does the anxiety start? A thought, a feeling? Or does your anxiety start without any trigger event?

Recognizing where your anxiety responses start can help you see where you need to intervene to change the cycle.

And if you simply feel anxious all the time, no beginning or end, these exercises will still help.

Exercise 1 - Know that your thoughts are just thoughts.

We tend to give our thoughts too much importance. Bring in your “observer mind” to feel more distance from your thoughts.

Exercise 2 - Think through cognitive distortions.

We may find ourselves catastrophizing in our thoughts and quickly coming to the worst-case scenario.

Recognize that these thoughts are distorted and not your reality.

Exercise 3 - Visualize a calming and enjoyable activity.

There is a simple way to calm your mind.

If you visualize a calming and enjoyable activity, with all the bells and whistles, your body will respond with the chemicals that kick in when you actually do that activity!

Your body will naturally follow your imagination to a calm state.

One thing I love to do is to float on a body of water. So, I often use that as my visualization to relax my mind.

I'd recommend practicing this regularly (not in the midst of a spike of anxiety). This will help strengthen your parasympathetic nervous system, which is the part of the nervous system that helps us relax, feel safe, sleep.

Exercise 4 - Let yourself feel other emotions.

Develop awareness of other feelings you have in your body.

If we give ourselves the space to feel all of our emotions, we also get to experience the "good" feelings.

Something that has helped me greatly in developing my observer mind and being able to sit with my feelings is meditation.

I recognize that meditation can be challenging for many people with anxiety. If that is the case for you, I recommend starting with a guided meditation to help.

Oh, and by the way, I recently joined a meditation app as a meditation guide. This link gives you a 30 day free guesst pass from me: Aura Health .

Exercise 5 - Write down all of your anxious thoughts.

Set aside 5-10 minutes to write down all of your anxious thoughts.

Then, place them in a box and set the box away on a shelf or closet. Throughout the day, if one of those anxious thoughts pops back up, imagine yourself putting it away into the box.

This allows you to have a specific time to get out all of your anxious worries and then set them aside so you can go through your day.

There is freedom and healing from anxiety!

For more detail on these exercises, watch my video here: 5 Ways to Help Anxiety.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Will CBT Work For You?

Tue, 25 Jul 2023 15:09:37 GMT

Substantial research, over fifty years, shows that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is effective for many conditions.

BUT… is CBT right for you?

#1 Your Personality and Goals:

CBT is known for its concrete and practical approach, making it an excellent choice if you're seeking specific skills to cope with life's challenges.

It is well-suited for those who prefer short-term therapy and want to focus on present-day issues, rather than delving deeply into past emotions. If you value tangible, solution-oriented steps for positive change, CBT therapy could be a perfect fit for you.

On the other hand, if you're seeking an approach that allows for more emotional processing and in-depth discussions, CBT may not be the ideal fit. It's essential to be honest about your expectations and preferences to ensure you choose the most effective therapeutic path.

If you have a history of trauma, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy may not go deeply enough. It might provide some current day coping tools and help somewhat, but it may not help with the underlying issues... unless the therapist is trauma-informed with specific experience working with people with trauma histories. Trauma-informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has solid research behind it.

#2 The Conditions CBT Helps Most:

With over 50 years of research, CBT has shown remarkable effectiveness in treating various conditions. Some of the well-established areas where CBT shines include:

Anxiety disorders: Whether it is generalized anxiety, social anxiety, or panic attacks, CBT can provide valuable tools to manage anxious thoughts and behaviors.

Somatoform disorders: CBT has shown promising results in addressing conditions where physical symptoms are present without apparent medical causes.

Bulimia nervosa: CBT can be instrumental in helping individuals develop healthier relationships with food and body image.

Anger control: For those struggling with anger management, CBT techniques can promote understanding and constructive coping strategies.

Stress: CBT equips individuals with practical techniques to manage stress and build resilience.

These are just a few examples of the conditions where CBT has proven to be highly effective.

It is essential to remember that every individual's journey is unique.

As you probably know, I no longer provide CBT as a psychotherapist. I do integrate these concepts into my online programs, along with concepts from EMDR therapy and wisdom from various traditions to heal negative core beliefs and help you live more joyfully!*

Roadmap to Joy is a 6 month guided program which helps you rewire negative core beliefs, lower anxiety (dramatically!) and move toward a joyful life. The Ultimate Boundary Course . is truly the only boundary course you will ever need. I approach boundaries from a much deeper perspective than the norm, really helping you rewire the things keeping you stuck and unable to have, set or enforce healthy boundaries.

** If you are looking for traditional therapy, I am an affiliate of BetterHelp . Using this link supports my YouTube channel and gives you 10% off your first month.

For the full YouTube video, click here: Whether CBT Will Help You

EMDR Therapy: What is the Best Option for You?

Thu, 20 Jul 2023 18:32:49 GMT

Qualified Therapist? Self-Administered? VirtualEMDR Software?

If you've been considering EMDR therapy as a way to address your challenges, finding the right approach to meet your needs is crucial.

Can you find a qualified EMDR therapist with a specialty in the areas you are dealing with? Are you considering doing it on your own, "self-administered," and is that a good idea? Are there other options?

Here are some key aspects to understand about EMDR, which will help you make the decision on which approach to use:

Comprehensive Therapy Technique

EMDR is more than just eye movements. It encompasses an eight-phase treatment method, including history taking, client preparation, assessment, desensitization, reprocessing, body scan, closure, and reevaluation. Each phase contributes to the overall effectiveness of the therapy.

A Key Element: The Client Preparation Stage

The preparation stage helps the client develop resources that help them physiologically regulate. If you experience high levels of anxiety, this would entail focusing on tools to calm your nervous system before proceeding further. If you work with a therapist, this might take anywhere from part of one session to many sessions if you have dissociation or significant dysregulation.

If you proceed with self-administered EMDR, this is an important step not to skip! I do have YouTube videos on grounding techniques and a safe place exercise, which are the exercises I would do with clients as part of this process.

Choosing Your Access to EMDR:

#1 Find a Qualified EMDR Therapist

I highly recommend seeking out a therapist who is trained in EMDR and specializes in the specific issue you're facing, be it anxiety, PTSD, or any other concern. Having a skilled and experienced therapist by your side can significantly enhance the efficacy of the therapy.

If you can find a qualified EMDR therapist with a specialty in your area that you can afford and with whom you connect, this is definitely the route I’d suggest! And I would suggest this whether you saw the therapist in person, or via video. However, for those who can not afford or access a qualified therapist, the next two options could be considered.

#2 VirtualEMDR Software

VirtualEMDR offers convenience and effectiveness. This option allows you to self-administer EMDR, but you are prompted with questions that guide you through the process. The questions are similar to what a therapist would ask you. They help you stay focused on fully developing your target, coming up with the negative core belief, and processing with those in mind. There is also a portion to instill the positive core belief and emotionally regulate at the end of the session. [For VirtualEMDR Use Promo Code: AWAKENJOY20 for 20% off. Using my link will support my channel as I am an affiliate.]

#3 Self-Administered EMDR

If you're considering self-administered EMDR, there are several factors to consider. It's essential to assess whether you have the necessary resources and support in place. Additionally, the level of challenge posed by your memories and current life issues should be taken into account. I encourage you to watch my Youtube video, "Is Self-Administered EMDR Right for You?" for a more detailed exploration of this option.

I invite you to check out my latest YouTube video, where I delve deeper into the topic of EMDR therapy and share real-life experiences of individuals who have benefited from virtual EMDR.

You can find the video here: Options for Accessing EMDR.

Boundaries, Anxiety and Assertiveness: A Key to Self-Empowerment

Tue, 11 Jul 2023 20:11:29 GMT

Understanding the connection between anxiety, boundaries and assertive communication can change your life!

Do you hold back from speaking up for yourself?

Boundaries, anxiety and assertiveness are interrelated…

and understanding this might actually change your life for the better!

Many people confuse assertive communication with aggressive communication, but they are distinctly different.

Aggressive communication prioritizes your needs and desires at the expense of the other.
Passive communication does not assert your own needs at all.
Passive aggressive communication is trying to get what you want without stating your needs.. and it often ignores the other’s needs or desires.
Assertive communication is basically an “I’m ok, you’re ok.” It is stating your needs, desires, wants and opinions, without forcing them onto others.

Assertive communication is the most effective way to set boundaries. It is also usually the most effective mode of communication in business, personal relationships, and everyday situations.

If you fall into passiveness , you may feel a lot of anxiety when you need to assert yourself.

If you tend toward aggression , you may be in survival mode. This may be because at a young age, you learned that your needs won’t be met without aggression.

Neither of these communication approaches is likely to achieve what you really want. The needs of passive communicators are often ignored, and the response to aggressive communication generally focuses on the aggressiveness, not the issue at hand.

Then, when the response does not achieve your goal, you feel worse, your anxiety might increase, your boundaries might be violated.

However, the opposite of this develops a positive feedback loop , so each step is strengthened and supported as one part is improved .

If you are able to work on lowering your anxiety, you will be able to be more assertive and hold better boundaries.
As you hold better boundaries, your anxiety will go down.
As you speak more assertively, you will see more positive results, you will be able to hold your boundaries better, and your anxiety will go down!

Intervening with any one of these items will begin to affect the others.

However, understanding the interconnection and working on them all, gently but steadily, will create massive improvement!

If you would like to hear more examples and explanations of this topic, you can find my video on this topic here: Boundaries, Anxiety and Assertiveness

The Roles in a Dysfunctional Family

Fri, 09 Jun 2023 12:34:11 GMT

Have you ever experienced the frustration of reverting back to old patterns when you return home for family gatherings, despite all the progress you've made in your personal healing journey?

If so, you're not alone . Falling back into familiar roles within the family system can be distressing and hinder our growth.

In families, roles develop that can restrict our sense of self, behavior, and overall authenticity.

Within dysfunctional families, we often see six distinct roles .

The first two roles are those of the parents: One is typically dysfunctiona l while the other is an enabler .

Let's briefly explore the four roles that children may assume: the Hero Child , the Scapegoat , the Mascot , and the Lost Child .

The Hero Child

The Hero Child is driven to achieve and is often the oldest sibling. Parents shower this child with positive reinforcement, using them as proof that the family is not dysfunctional.

However, this pressure to constantly succeed can lead to feelings of worthlessness if they fall short, causing guilt and a tendency to avoid vulnerability.

The Scapegoat
On the other hand, the Scapegoat child bears the blame for everything that goes wrong in the family.
This constant blaming can instill a deep sense of inadequacy in the Scapegoat, potentially leading to self-destructive behaviors.

The Mascot
The family's entertainer, the Mascot uses humor to diffuse tension.
They enjoy attention and making others laugh, but internally, they suppress their own challenging emotions.
This coping mechanism may drive them toward self-destructive behaviors, as a means to numb uncomfortable feelings.

Lost Child
The Lost Child seeks refuge by withdrawing from conflict, often hiding under tables or in closets.
This child's inward-turned coping mechanism may lead to neglect and isolation .
Their silence and avoidance of conflict can limit their voice and overall growth as individuals.
These rigid roles are designed to divert attention from the real problem.
It is essential for our well-being to embrace all aspects of ourselves —both the strong and capable , as well as the vulnerable and weak .

True authenticity and joy arise when we accept ourselves as complete beings, fostering self-compassion and self-confidence.
If any of this resonates with you, you can get more resources and support through my program called Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence .

This six-month program will guide you towards your authentic self , transforming negative core beliefs associated with your role, and helping you find joy and peace .

In my latest YouTube video , I share these six roles and the key characteristics of each role including the strengths as well as the drawbacks and difficulties.

Click here to watch now → Dysfunctional Family Roles

Through tools and work, you can pave the way for a different attitude when you gather for your next family event!
Keep up the amazing self-work!

Am I A Narcissist?

Fri, 09 Jun 2023 12:29:55 GMT

Whenever the topic of narcissism comes up, my caring, empathetic, reasonable clients begin to wonder: "Am I a narcissist?!"

And if you've been in a relationship with a narcissist, you have most likely been called a narcissist.

I'm going to give you SEVEN questions that will help you look into this more deeply.

First, let’s identify:

What A Narcissistic Personality Disorder Is.

While "narcissism" is being used somewhat casually these days, the term actually refers to someone with a personality disorder .

Narcissistic behavior is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.

Now that we’ve identified what narcissistic personality disorder is, ask yourself:

1) Do You Constantly Brag About Your Achievements?

This is different than acknowledging what you’re good at and not good at.

2) Do You Always Like To Be The Center Of Attention?

A narcissist will often create a distraction if they’re not the center of attention.

3) Do You Make Yourself Feel Good By Putting Others Down?

And if you do this on a rare occasion, do you recognize it and then feel really guilty?

If yes, then you’re probably not a narcissist.

However, if you don’t, you might be a narcissist.

For the four other questions, watch the video here: Am I A Narcissist?

7 Signs of a People Pleaser

Fri, 09 Jun 2023 12:24:18 GMT

Are you tired of feeling like you always put others' needs before your own?

If so, you may be a chronic people-pleaser.

Don't worry, you're not alone.

In fact, many people struggle with this same issue. To help you identify if this is something you're dealing with, these are the common traits of true chronic people pleasers.

Do You Have a Hard Time Making Decisions?

If so, you may find yourself asking,

“ Is it selfish not to do what someone else wants? ”

Indecision can be caused by being afraid to disappoint people.

But guess what? It’s okay to disappoint others.

Do You Have Low Self-Esteem?

Do you feel like your needs, wants, and opinions don’t matter?

If so, you may often change your opinion based on what others think.

This can cause you to become disconnected from your true self.

Are You Constantly Exhausted?

Keeping other people happy is exhausting.

You’ll just keep running and running and running to try to do it.

In my latest YouTube video , I reveal the remaining four signs of chronic people-pleasing. If any of these traits resonate with you, it's time to take a deeper look into your people-pleasing tendencies.

These habits are not easy to break, but developing a sense of your own self-worth and value is key to overcoming chronic people-pleasing.

Were you parentified as a child?

Wed, 04 Jan 2023 17:53:14 GMT

Parentification: Were you parentified while you were growing up? What is it, exactly? Is it always a problem?

Did you grow up in an environment that required you to perform the tasks of a parent? Did a parent make you responsible to emotionally caretake for them?

If either of these questions resonates with you, you may have been parentified as a child. Being responsible for adult tasks or emotions during childhood can have significant long term impacts, potentially putting parentification at the root of any mental and emotional struggles you face as an adult.

Just because you were asked to take out the trash every week or were assigned daily or weekly chores, however, does not necessarily mean you were parentified. Parentification is nuanced, so let’s get into what parentification is and how it differs from simply being taught responsibility.

Parentification is a process of role reversal where the child is required to act as a parent to either one parent, both parents, their siblings, or maybe even the whole family.

Additionally, parentification can have two different formats: one is instrumental parentification, where the child performs the tasks of a parent; and the other is emotional parentification, where the child takes on responsibility to emotionally caretake for a parent.

Let’s take a closer look at instrumental parentification.

People can often be confused about instrumental parentification because the line seems thin between parentification and learning important life skills during childhood.

There are several questions you can ask yourself to help tell the difference. Let’s take a scenario where a parent might ask a child to make dinner once in a while — is that responsibility a problem?

It depends on what age the child is, how much help the parent is providing, and how much responsibility is falling on the child’s shoulders.

In a scenario where a child might be tasked with cooking dinner once in a while, such a responsibility is perfect for a 16-year-old. If a child is 10 and she helps choose a menu and assists a parent with cooking, that’s also no problem.

See if you can spot the difference with these scenarios:

A child handles the family finances and pays the bills because their parents don’t.
A child prepares and cooks a meal because, if they don’t, no one in the family eats.
A child cleans the house because it’s such a disastrous mess that no one can find anything.
A child frequently helps their younger siblings get dressed, tie their shoes, and pack for school because the parents are absent.

I’ve heard in other YouTube videos that instrumental parentification occurs when kids are told to do these tasks as a requirement and are punished if they don’t. The truth is, parentification often happens in a void, so the child is never told to do it. They know if they don’t get up and prepare a meal or pay the bills, the consequence isn’t punishment — the consequence is not eating or not having electricity.

Comment below with your thoughts and questions on instrumental parentification. Let me know what you think!

And if you'd like to watch the related YouTube video, here it is!

Emotional Parentification

Wed, 04 Jan 2023 17:53:14 GMT

What does Emotional Parentification Look Like?

Growing up performing the tasks of a parent or taking care of a parent emotionally can be mentally and emotionally damaging for children.

If this resonates with you, you may have been parentified as a child. Parentification is a process of role reversal where the child is required to act as a parent to either one parent, both parents, their siblings, or maybe even the whole family.

As we discussed in our blog on i nstrumental parentification and how to know when it’s a problem , parentification can have two different formats: instrumental parentification, where the child performs the tasks of a parent; and the other is emotional parentification, where the child takes on responsibility to emotionally caretake for a parent.

Both types of parentification often go together since the child carrying out instrumental tasks is also taking on an emotional burden simply by needing to anticipate and worry about the tasks that need to be done. But emotional parentification can also go beyond that into the realm of the child actually taking a primary role in caring for an adult’s emotions.

Emotional parentification can look a few different ways. If one parent’s emotions dominate a household and everyone has to tip-toe around them — for example, avoiding actions or words that could make that person angry, sad or depressed — then the child can feel responsible for managing that parent’s emotions while also emotionally supporting the other parent.

Emotional parentification is also happening when the parent turns to the child for the emotional connection they’re lacking with a spouse, friend, or family member. When they’re not getting emotional support elsewhere, parents can sometimes turn to a child and manipulate the situation so that their emotional needs get met.

Let’s say a six-year-old child is painting and he spills paint everywhere, which we all know is totally normal for children that age. When the parent sees the mess, they make it about themselves, getting very upset and sending the message — through exact words or via action and tone — that the child is bad, lazy, stupid, and careless.

“You’ve made such a mess for me,” the parent might say. “You’re always ruining my day!!”

This parent has turned a normal childhood accident into a crisis that focuses on the parent and shames the child.

Additionally, the child takes on the labels of being bad, lazy, stupid, and careless, and these can become part of the fabric of the child’s core beliefs.

A particularly horrendous subset of emotional parentification is called spousification. I’ve seen this happen a lot of times when one parent is very absent, either working all the time, or alcoholic or severely mentally ill. Whatever the reason, that parent is unavailable to the other parent.

When this happens, the “healthy parent” can co-opt a child to emotionally act as a spouse. The parent might confide in the child emotionally, relying on the child to do the things a spouse would do, thus emotionally bonding with the child in a way that’s not appropriate within a healthy family system.

If any of this sounds like your environment growing up, emotional parentification could be at the root of any struggles you’ve developed in adulthood.

Comment below if you have any thoughts or questions on emotional parentification.

CALM ANXIETY

Tue, 01 Nov 2022 16:53:14 GMT

Anxiety: racing thoughts, rapid heart beat, an overwhelming feeling of fear.

These are some of the cognitive, physical and emotional manifestations of anxiety. the three aspects weave a trap for the individual who can not see their way out. anxiety is more than just the anticipation of what may go wrong; anxiety causes the person to experience the worst as if it were actually happening.

Some people feel their anxiety cognitively: a continuous stream of worries which keep the person out of touch with the present moment. Other people experience their anxiety on a more somatic level, with stomach aches, headaches, high blood pressure, an elevated pulse rate, sweating, heart palpitations and/or panic attacks. These symptoms may be tied to a particular thought or activity, or they may seemingly arise out of nowhere.

Some people may not even be aware of how much anxiety they have. They know they can not sit still or relax as others do, but it is justified by the need to “always do one more thing.” This is a type of “activity addiction,” where the activity is an escape from the feelings that arise when one is quiet. These people are operating under the constant pressure of stress, and may be irritable and/or quick to anger.

When does stress become anxiety? Stress is an important physiological reaction which helps us temporarily increase functioning in certain areas to deal with a heightened or dangerous situation. In small doses, stress can help someone taking an exam, giving a speech, or fleeing from danger. However, when our bodies’ fight-flight response is constantly activated, it leads to debilitating physical and emotional symptoms. For most of the situations we deal with on a daily basis, we do not need the flood of adrenaline that we would have needed in the times of the cave man when we were under attack from a saber tooth tiger.

Recovery from anxiety is a process of becoming more keenly aware of how anxiety operates in the body and in the mind. There is a “feedback loop” in which anxious thoughts cause physical stress reactions and feelings of dread; the physical reactions feed the anxious thoughts and feelings; and the feelings, in turn, exacerbate the thoughts and sensations. As a person becomes more keenly aware of how this feedback loop operates, they can begin to interrupt it. Taking deep breaths actually stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms the body. Taking a pause to breathe can also give the person the awareness of “do I want to go down this path with my thoughts?”

The tool of bringing the thoughts back to the moment also helps to interrupt this cycle. Ask yourself: in this moment, am I in danger? Remember, the physical reaction you are having is as if you were being attacked by a saber tooth tiger. A deep breath into the moment, and a cognitive awareness that you are not in danger this second, can help the body calm down so the planning portion of the brain can operate more sensibly.

One of the best books I have read on this topic is Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, originally published in 1944. I imagine this sounds a bit corny, yet the book has timeless wisdom for changing the worry habit that is rampant in our society. Carnegie speaks about living in “day-tight compartments.” Worries are always about future events, frequently ones we can do nothing about today. As Dean Hawkes of Columbia University said, “Half the worry in the world is caused by people trying to make decisions before they have sufficient knowledge on which to base a decision.”

For people seeking relief and recovery from anxiety, numerous effective alternatives exist. Yoga, meditation, increased self-awareness, and exercise can all be helpful. Psychotherapy techniques, including Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and EMDR, have been shown through scientific research to effectively treat anxiety disorders.

There are limited medications which are useful for anxiety. Certain SSRI antidepressants can help some people with anxiety, and are not addictive. However, the commonly prescribed benzodiazepines (alprazolam (Xanax), lorazepam (Ativan), diazepam (Valium), etc.) are highly addictive, and generally should not be used other than as short-term treatment for an unusual event. Medications do not cure the underlying causes of anxiety and have side effects. If you choose to try medications to help your anxiety, it is important to be under the guidance of a highly trained physician or psychiatrist, and to take the medication only as prescribed.

Alcohol is not a good coping mechanism for anxiety. Alcohol, benzodiazepines or other depressants cause a noticeable, fairly immediate feeling of relaxation; however, when the effect wears off, the anxiety is increased, and the person reaches for another drink or pill. Over time, more and more of the substance is needed and the need for the substance is felt more and more strongly.

The cure for anxiety is internal, not external in the form of a pill or drink. Carnegie’s advice about living in “day-tight compartments” echoes the wisdom of the 12 Step slogan “One Day at a Time.” Similarly, the Serenity Prayer is a wonderful device for increasing one’s feelings of peace. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”

This article was published in the New Canaan News-Review on June 12, 2008 and in the Darien News-Review on June 19, 2008. Written by Barbara Heffernan.

@awakenjoy.life Lower Anxiety and Live a Joyful Life

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Do you get totally overwhelmed by your emotions?
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Do you feel like you are the most emotionally regulated person that you know?

But is it emotional regulation, or is it emotional dysregulation?

Do you struggle to set boundaries, even when you know you need them?

You're not alone.

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Are you ready to break free from the automatic fawn response?

Break free from the habit of people pleasing and subjugating your own needs?

Is your anxiety controlling your life, ruining your happiness, and maybe even impacting your health?

Well, your anxiety is not all in your head. It's actually a nervous system hijack, and understanding this can really help you on your path to recovery.