Emotional Dysregulation is Driven by Your BELIEFS
Barbara Heffernan • May 18, 2026
Here are 3 tools to help!
What Research Reveals About Emotional Dysregulation
What if the primary driver of your emotional distress is not what you assume it to be?
The intensity of your emotional distress and its duration — how long you remain in that painful state — are controlled more by your beliefs and attitudes about your emotions than by anything else.
This has substantial research behind it – and understanding it is particularly valuable in your journey to improve your emotional regulation.
One research study makes this especially clear. Participants were asked to bring to mind an event that had elicited a very negative emotion, then to rate, across a number of different factors, how upsetting that experience had been. They were also asked what they had believed, at the time, about their own ability to cope with those emotions. Of all the factors measured, it was that final question — about perceived coping ability — that correlated most strongly with both the intensity and the duration of the emotional impact. (Research can be found at: Brans, K. et al (2014). Intensity and Duration of Negative Emotions: Comparing the Role of Appraisals and Regulation Strategies. PLoS ONE, 9(3), e92410.)
The results were striking. People who felt they had a reasonably good ability to cope with the emotions that arose experienced far less emotional intensity, and their negative emotions resolved in a much shorter period of time. Those who believed they truly could not cope experienced considerably more dysregulation — in both intensity and duration.
This pattern has been replicated across a number of different studies, with consistent results.
Secondary Appraisal: The Judgment We Place on Our Emotions
Whenever we have an emotional response to something, we also form a judgment about that response. When something makes us happy, we often think: "I like this feeling."
When something makes us angry, we often think: "I should not feel this way."
So our anger might be immediately followed by guilt.
These judgments are called negative secondary appraisals of our emotions.
In a recent video and blog, I explain how negative secondary appraisal drives rumination [view the video here or the blog here].
This dynamic, however, affects the entirety of our emotional regulation — not rumination alone.
The Most Dysregulating Belief
There are a number of beliefs about emotions that are dysregulating, and it is worth exploring what your own beliefs are about the emotions that tend to send you into a spiral. However, research demonstrates that the greatest disruption to our emotional well-being is the belief that sounds like this:
“I cannot cope with these feelings. I do not have the capacity. I cannot handle it.”
I will share tools at the end of this post to help you work with this belief and implement strategies to support emotional re-regulation.
Where These Beliefs Come From
These beliefs about our emotions are not randomly generated in response to present circumstances. They are almost always tied to negative core beliefs that we developed about emotions — and about ourselves — early in childhood, based on our experiences and what we were taught.
Some questions worth reflecting on:
• What emotions were you allowed to feel growing up?
• Which emotions were you told you should not feel, or that were considered bad?
• What did you learn about your own adaptability, resilience, and ability to cope with difficult feelings?
All of that history contributes to the fact that our responses to our emotions have become deeply habitual — almost automatic.
They have been grooved into the brain. Habits, however, can be changed. The neuroplasticity of our brains means that even our neurobiology can shift as we practice new patterns. Shifting your beliefs about your emotions is one of the most powerful things you can do to improve your emotional regulation.
If you have not yet downloaded it, I have a free PDF: Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs. It helps you identify the core belief that underlies all of this — whether that is something like "I am defective" or "I am powerless," among others. The PDF also provides tools and exercises to begin to overturn those core beliefs.
How Your Beliefs Determine Your Regulation Strategies
How you judge an emotion is also important because it directly determines which emotional regulation strategies you employ. In plain terms, an emotional regulation strategy is what you choose to do to calm yourself down. Some of those strategies are adaptive — healthy over the long run. Others are considered maladaptive because they worsen the problem.
Some well-known examples of maladaptive strategies include:
• Using alcohol or drugs. These suppress emotions and may provide temporary relief, but they perpetuate the cycle over the long term.
• Screaming at others. Some people believe this helps them calm down, but it creates significant problems in relationships and in daily life.
There are also very common strategies — used by almost everyone — that are not widely recognized as maladaptive. They are more difficult to identify as problematic, which makes them particularly worth addressing. These are suppression, avoidance and rumination.
The Hidden Cost of Suppression, Avoidance, and Rumination
Research has demonstrated that these strategies maintain and amplify emotional dysregulation. Emotional avoidance and suppression have been linked to increased depression and anxiety, negative mood, lower social functioning, and reduced psychological well-being.
(Research can be found at: Wittkamp et al. (2022) How you think about an emotion predicts how you regulate: an experience-sampling study. Cognition and Emotion. 36. 1-9. 10.1080/02699931.2022.2027744).
These are the same strategies we use when we wish to neutralize a threat. When something feels threatening, the instinct is to suppress it or avoid it.
When we come to perceive our own emotions as threatening, we communicate to our ancient brain that we are in danger. That message activates the amygdala and intensifies whatever stress response is already underway — making everything considerably worse.
Three Tools to Begin Shifting Your Beliefs
Tool #1: Look at the Evidence That the Emotion Eventually Passed
Choose one emotion that you find particularly upsetting and dysregulating, and examine the evidence of whether that emotion eventually passed. The question here is not whether you handled the emotion well — many people, if asked that, will answer no: it worsened, and they contributed to that. The question is whether that emotion eventually ebbed and receded, and whether other emotions arose in its place.
Emotions are temporary. Reviewing your own history to observe how emotions ebb and flow — even when they feel as though they will never pass — removes that sense of survival threat. If this exercise feels challenging, you can also ask yourself: Did I survive? If you are reading this, you did.
We are using the word survival in a very basic sense, because that is what the amygdala is oriented toward — physical survival. The amygdala, however, can become confused, because many of our problems are emotional. They exist in our minds, they involve relationships, or they concern concepts. They are not physical threats, yet we respond as though they are. Journaling through this — examining whether the emotion eventually shifted, and reminding yourself that you did in fact survive it — is a meaningful step.
Tool #2: Assess Which Strategies Made Things Worse or Better
Building directly on Tool #1: once you have identified a past emotional experience, examine which regulation strategies you employed at the time. Look carefully at which regulation strategies contributed to the emotional spiral, and which ones might have helped.
This gives you a framework for distinguishing which strategies are beneficial and which are harmful. It also gives you a sense of agency and command: it is not only the emotion itself — it is how we are interpreting it and what we are choosing to do about it. We may not always feel as though we have control over that, but we do. With practice and continued exploration, your sense of agency over your emotional experience will grow stronger.
Tool #3: Create Distance from the Beliefs and Notice When They Arise
When a strong emotional response arises, notice as quickly as you can what you are thinking about that emotional response — and then change how you are speaking to yourself about it.
Instead of: “I cannot cope with this feeling,” say: “I am having the thought that I cannot cope with this feeling.”
Instead of: “I am a bad person for feeling angry,” say: “I am having the thought that I am a bad person for feeling angry.”
Saying "I am having the thought" is extremely accurate. These are thoughts.
Some of our thoughts are helpful and valid, and some are not. Using this phrasing helps you distance from the thought and puts its validity into question.
A viewer posed a question on my earlier video about secondary appraisal and rumination, asking about the feeling of guilt that frequently arises as a secondary response. If we believe an emotion is bad, or that we are a bad person for experiencing it, guilt will follow. Using this tool, you can observe that your initial emotional reaction was anger, and that was quickly followed by guilt.
You can say to yourself: "I am having the feeling that I am bad for having the feeling of anger."
You are adding a layer of awareness. You are strengthening your observer brain.
I have a number of videos and blogs on emotional regulation skills that you may find helpful. And next week, I will be releasing a video and blog to help you identify your primary belief about your emotions.
Key Takeaways
When you view your emotions as dangerous or as a threat to your well-being, you generate an internal emergency response — and that escalates everything. Learning to understand your emotions as information and signals creates a much healthier relationship between you and your emotions. (And will impact positively how you navigate the world!)
It is also important to remember that the emotions you feel are separate from what you do with them. As I discuss in my anger videos, feeling angry is natural — it arises when we are hurt or when something feels unfair. What we do with that anger, however — the behavior that follows from it — can sometimes be seriously destructive, whether it is internalized or externalized. The emotion itself is simply a natural part of being human.
We are human. We have very complex emotions. Learning to sit with them — to invite them in for tea, so to speak — and to be at ease with experiencing a range of different feelings will help prevent those emotions from exploding out of control or becoming overwhelming.
If you found value in this, please share this with someone who might benefit. See you next week!
Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU. More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.
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The main thing that drives rumination is actually the BELIEFS we have about the FEELINGS that come up from a difficult situation. Rumination is driven by the habitual patterns of thinking combined with our judgments about whether we can handle the emotions, both of which can be changed to experience relief.
You can probably recall a time when you were with someone who was intensely anxious—and within minutes, you began to feel anxious yourself. Perhaps your heart rate increased. Your breathing became shallow. The knot in your stomach tightened. Or maybe you remember the opposite: a time when you were with someone who was truly grounded and calm, and their presence actually calmed you down. Your shoulders dropped. Your breathing deepened. The tension you had been carrying began to dissipate. This is not your imagination. This is emotional contagion, and it is scientifically proven. Understanding how your own emotional regulation—or lack thereof—impacts other people, and how other people's emotional states impact you, is essential for healthy relationships. Learning emotional regulation tools can improve your relationships significantly. Learning how to lower your susceptibility to emotional contagion can help as well. In this article, I will explain what emotional contagion is, how it impacts relationships, and provide five specific strategies for improving regulation in your own relationships. What Is Emotional Contagion? Emotions are contagious. Extensive research—both behavioral research and neuroscience—shows that we pick up the emotions of the people around us. The closer our relationship with them and the more invested we are in that relationship, the more this phenomenon occurs. This may not always feel accurate because we also tend to balance each other out. If someone is very upset, we might suppress our own emotions in response. But as I will explain, that suppression is actually part of the same dynamic. Three Pathways to Emotional Contagion There are three pathways that lead to emotional contagion: Pathway 1: Automatic Mimicry Unconsciously, when we see facial expressions in another person, we mimic them. If someone smiles, we tend to smile immediately. If someone frowns, we might make the same expression. This happens not just with facial expressions but also with voice, tone and body posture. Pathway 2: Autonomic Mimicry This involves our autonomic physiological system which works in synchrony with other people. Our heart rate, our breathing rhythm, and even our pupil dilation tend to mimic each other. Our nervous systems influence each other constantly. Pathway 3: Affective Convergence This is the convergence of feelings. When our facial expressions and body posture mimic another person's, and our physiological system aligns with theirs, we develop the same affective feelings. We end up experiencing a version of that emotion ourselves. The Suppression Trap: Why "Staying Calm" Can Make Things Worse If someone is extremely upset, you might calm way down. If this happens almost automatically, you are probably suppressing your emotions rather than regulating them. Extensive research shows that when one person suppresses their emotions, it actually makes the other person more anxious. And the person who is suppressing—while they might appear calm externally - is experiencing all the physiological signs and symptoms of anxiety or a heightened emotional state. Even when we are trying to be the balance in the room, we might actually be escalating the emotions present. This is particularly true for those who grew up parentified. Adults who were parentified as children often feel their emotional regulation is better than anyone else's in their families. While that might be true to some extent, without substantial self-awareness and genuine emotional regulation tools, you are likely using emotional suppression, not regulation. Where Emotional Regulation Patterns Come From The means by which you emotionally regulate—and whether you are highly regulated or highly dysregulated—is largely due to how you were raised. I am not saying this to assign blame, nor do I want you to spiral into worry about what you may have done to your own children. These are intergenerational patterns, and all we can do is work with the present. However, it can help to recognize that if you feel your own emotional regulation is lacking, you probably learned from dysregulated caregivers. If you have a partner who is very dysregulated, the same is likely true for them. This understanding allows us to remove blame and accusation from the discussion. We can approach this with compassion, recognizing that these are skills that should perhaps be taught in school or more seriously in our society—but they are not. The good news is that you can learn them now. Five Practical Tools to Improve Emotional Regulation in Your Relationships It truly is possible to improve your own emotional regulation and have a postiive impact on your relationships. These tools are helpful even for the partner that feels they are the one who is more emotionally regulated. And as a heads up, Tools 1 and 5 require substantial work - but gradual improvement is helpful! Tools 2, 3, and 4 are easier to implement immediately. Tool 1: Develop Your Emotional Boundaries Because emotional contagion is so strong—particularly if you grew up in a caretaker role in your family—it is important to begin recognizing when the emotions you are feeling are the ones you are absorbing from someone else. Begin to visualize a see-through bubble around you which represents you and your emotional boundary. Begin to think of your emotions as existing within that bubble. And picture another bubble around the other person - give it a light, see-through color. Picture that all their emotions are within their bubble. Differentiate between what you are feeling and what they are feeling. Bring in your observer brain to look at what you are feeling. For example... "Wait a second. I am feeling anxious because my partner is anxious about their interview tomorrow. What is my anxiety about?" You can begin to see whether your anxiety is about getting them to calm down so they can perform well in their interview. Perhaps you don't want them to be disappointed, or you have a vested interest in them getting a job. Once you understand why you are feeling anxious, you can apply tools to reduce your own anxiety, rather than focus on theirs. Because if we get anxious about making sure someone else is not anxious, it simply escalates the anxiety in the room. Part of developing emotional boundaries is understanding that other people's emotions are not ours to solve. We can be empathetic without feeling responsible for calming the other person down or changing their emotional state. Your observer brain can help you think through, "I do not have to convince them. I can recognize the impact their emotional state has on me, but I do not have to spiral into desperately trying to fix something I cannot fix." Tool 2: Use Your Breathing Deliberately If you learn diaphragmatic breathing and use it during difficult moments in relationships, you can keep your physiology within a tolerable range. In EMDR therapy, there is a concept of keeping your emotions within a "window of tolerance." They can still fluctuate, but you remain relatively regulated throughout. Diaphragmatic breathing is a powerful way to help yourself do that. When you breathe in a calm, regular manner, it is actually helpful to the other person as well. Your regulated physiology can support theirs. Tool 3: Establish a Guideline for Taking Breaks Put in place for yourself a boundary about taking a break from a conversation if you become too emotionally dysregulated. What typically happens in couple relationships (and I saw this extensively during 20 years of couples counseling) is that one person is visibly out of control upset, and the other says, "We need to take a break until you calm down" (and there's usually a finger point that goes along with the "you"). Generally, this escalates the emotions in the room. In actuality, even if you are the one who appears less upset externally, you are probably very physiologically activated internally. There is a marriage and family therapist and researcher who has a rule: if your pulse rate is 10% above its normal resting rate ), you need to take a break. ( John Gottman, PhD, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ) The problem with telling the other person they need a break to calm down is that it will make things worse. It feels like criticism and attack. It makes someone defensive. It increases their fight-flight-freeze response. Instead, say: "I am having a hard time regulating myself in this moment. Can we take a 10-minute break? I will be right back. I just need 10 minutes to do some slow breathing. We can set our alarm." You must put a time frame on it. Take a five-minute break, a 10-minute break, or if you are extremely dysregulated, revisit the conversation in the morning. Without a time frame, the other person will feel abandoned, which escalates their emotional dysregulation. You may also be feeding into your flight mode—your reactive pattern of running away from conflict. Set the boundary for yourself, not for the other person: "If I get too upset, I will take a mini timeout to calm myself down." I recognize this does not work in every situation. You cannot simply walk away from a young child. But you can incorporate this thinking to develop creative strategies of your own. Tool 4: Validate Before You Fix or Problem-Solve One of the most regulating things you can do for someone else is help them feel truly heard. Acknowledging their emotional experience before moving to "let's fix this and problem-solve" will de-escalate their emotional response and prevent the conversation from escalating out of control. I know I said you are not in charge of their emotional regulation—and you are not. However, knowing strategies that benefit the relationship benefits you. These are basic relational tools. If you have a partner who has difficulty validating your emotions, and you are emotionally regulated, you can say: "I am very upset about this, but I do not want to jump into problem-solving. I simply want to feel heard." There is an element where we sometimes have to help train people how to be in relationship with us. If you are in couples counseling with a therapist facilitating this, excellent. But if you are not, sometimes it helps to explain these concepts to your partner. Let them know what will help you calm down when you are upset. You might have to remind them, and I know that takes substantial emotional regulation on your part. But honestly, that is the big picture here: the best thing you can do for your relationships with others—as well as your relationship with yourself—is learn emotional regulation tools. Tool 5: Practice Honest, Regulated Communication This can be understood as assertive communication that is also compassionate. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I understand. These concepts can seem complex and somewhat unattainable. I have an online boundary program that addresses emotional regulation as the foundation for healthy boundaries. It includes an exercise on visualizing emotional boundaries to strengthen that skill, and an entire section on assertive communication so you can set and maintain boundaries. Healthy boundaries are not about keeping people away or controlling other people's behavior. Healthy relationships actually require good boundaries. Good boundaries are about knowing yourself—where you end and the other person begins—and knowing it is acceptable for you to have needs. Compassionate, assertive expression of whatever needs to be communicated will help the relationship. It can be done in a way that supports your own emotional regulation and possibly helps the other person—or at minimum, does not contribute to escalation. Suppressing your own emotions and needs will escalate the negative cycle of conversation. This is not about suppression. It is definitely not about lashing out, exploding, or releasing everything you have been suppressing because you are angry and frustrated. If you have taken that timeout when needed, if you have been aware ("my heart rate is way up; I am in fight-flight-freeze mode"), you will not reach that explosion point because you will have taken your break and calmed down. All these steps are interrelated. Expressing what you feel in a regulated manner keeps you in connection with the other person. Remember: it is not just what you say but how you say it, and even how you are feeling when you say it. A statement like "I am feeling overwhelmed right now with too much to do" will enable you to stay in connection far more effectively than exploding because your partner has not done what they were supposed to do. Anytime we explode with attack or criticism, we contribute to emotional dysregulation in the room. Bringing It All Together Consciously keep track of your own emotional regulation Visualize your emotional boundary Use breathing techniques to stay within your window of tolerance, aware that you might need to take a mini timeout for yourself if you cannot stay within that window Validate the other person's feelings, emotions, and experience. Pay attention to: "This is me and my emotions, and that is them and theirs." Practice assertive communication which includes compassion for yourself and the other person This is not easy work. I know that. But what I want you to understand is that emotional contagion is real, and there are tools you can use to work with it. You can understand the other person without fully absorbing their emotional state. We are not individual emotional islands. Each one of us impacts those around us. Let me be very clear: Impacting others is not the same as causing their emotions or being responsible for their emotions. They are not responsible for ours. We are responsible for our own emotions and what we do with them. Yet there is this framework of interconnectedness among us, and knowing how to work with it can improve your life and your relationships significantly. Please share in the comments if you found this valuable. What resonated with you? What questions do you have?
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While closeness is wonderful and healthy, there's a point where family closeness can cross into something problematic called enmeshment. In an enmeshed family, individual identities blur, boundaries disappear, and family members aren't allowed to truly become the individuals they were meant to be. Here are seven warning signs that your family might be too close—and what that really means. Warning Sign #1: Different Beliefs Equal Betrayal Voting differently, trying out a new religion, or even having different financial priorities—it's not just that your family system disagrees with your choices. They treat those choices as an actual betrayal of them personally. Healthy families can discuss different viewpoints and allow each other to differ, because we all do differ. But an enmeshed family requires that all family members follow the same sets of values and priorities. Deviation isn't seen as natural individual development—it's perceived as disloyalty. Warning Sign #2: You Can't Be Happy Unless They Are This might also apply to other family members. For example, your mom can't be happy unless everybody else is doing well—or maybe her happiness requires that they are all doing what she thinks they should be doing. It might be that you absorb other people's emotions as if they're your responsibility. There are important subtleties here. Of course, we're all happier when our loved ones are happy. But we can't control other people's emotions. We can sometimes influence them, but it shouldn't reach the point where we are sacrificing our own critical values and needs. In an enmeshed family, there are usually one or two family members who absorb everybody's emotions and then try to take care of all those emotions as if it's their own responsibility. Warning Sign #3. There's a Double Standard Around Secrets In an enmeshed family, each individual within the system is supposed to keep nothing back from the family. If something is hidden, it would probably be seen as another betrayal. However, you're definitely not allowed to tell people outside the family what's happening inside. This is often to hide family dysfunctions—whether that's alcoholism, mental health issues, abuse, or personality disorders. Obviously, none of us want to spread our personal information everywhere. But being able to confide in friends, supportive people, and therapists is very important for health and growth. Enmeshed families prevent this kind of external support. Warning SIgn #4: Your Successes Are the Family's Trophies and Your Failures Are Their Shame The family system will have a particular way they want you to achieve. Your achievement is not r eally about them being proud of you and happy for you in terms of you achieving the goals you have in life and living the way you want to live. It is more about it being a trophy for them that can make them feel good and look good. Examples of this might include choosing a college major because it makes your parents happy or proud, or pursuing a career that you really do not want but you know will make them happy. This goes beyond the normal conflicts we all have—deciding between a more secure path versus something more fulfilling. All families, healthy or not, will likely have opinions on these topics. But in enmeshed families, it is not just advice. It is "you have to do that or else we will not feel good about ourselves. It will make us look bad." Warning Sign #5: Independence Is Punished In working with people over 20 years as a psychotherapist, I often saw people become aware of the enmeshment in their family once they had chosen a partner in life and begun to form their own nuclear family. TThe enmeshment would be highlighted by their partner. For example, a partner might say, "I love your family and they are great, but no, I do not want to spend every single Sunday with them" or "I cannot spend every holiday with them. We also have to spend holidays with my family." A partner might feel neglected if the enmeshed person is spending too much time with their family of origin. Yet, if the enmeshed person changes their behavior or priorities, there is a crisis in the family. However, please be aware that there are subtleties here! As a mom of young adults, I deeply understand that it can be very sad if one of your children moves across the country. Sometimes the choices a young adult makes might make a parent worry a little more or feel down - and that probably falls into the completely normal category. But if that young adult is made to feel like they are a bad person for the choice they are making or that they are directly their parents, then that is a significant warning sign. (Note: This discussion does not really apply to adolescence. The struggle with adolescents is different. There is often a pull for independence from the adolescent that might feel dangerous to the parent, and a caring parent is going to pull them back. Most of my material is geared toward adults—young adults all the way up to much older adults.) What Is Enmeshment? Before continuing with the remaining warning signs, let me define enmeshment. An enmeshed family system is one in which people are not allowed to truly individuate—to truly become the individuals they were meant to be. If you are new to my content, you will understand that I am not a big fan of the slogans and easy answers you often get online, because these things are not simple. But I want to give you the concepts to begin thinking about so you can decide what is the next step for you to grow, heal, and become the individual you want to be. Warning Sign #6: Someone in Your Family Is Playing the Wrong Role For example, perhaps a child is being a parent to the parent, or maybe one of the two parents is a parent to the other parent. Or perhaps there is too much emotional sharing from a parent to a child, where a child is inappropriately made a confidant of the parent. In enmeshed families, roles develop usually when the child is very young. That child will develop into a particular role, and these roles are rigidly enforced by the family system. People are not llowed to grow and change outside of those roles. Warning Sign #7: Control Is Disguised as Concern Concern is lovely. We all have concerns about loved ones and their choices. We might even sometimes express those concerns. But we are not harping on them, repeating them, threatening relationship cutoffs, or taking them super personally. We are not employing manipulative tactics to get the person to do what we want them to do. But in an enmeshed family, the concern will be manipulative. It will be communicated and then enforced in a very heavy-handed manner. What This Means for You If you have recognized three or more of these signs, it is worth looking into whether your family system is enmeshed. Now, this does not mean you have to leave your family. It does not have to mean anything dramatic other than you have named a potential problem or issue. Recognizing an issue like this is the first step toward healing and toward your own personal growth. You can both love your family and recognize that some of these patterns are not healthy. This is also not about blaming your family, because many of these patterns are intergenerational. They have been passed from one generation to the next to the next. Your Next Steps The next step for you is to learn more about what enmeshment is. I have a whole playlist on this topic that you can access here . I also have videos on dysfunctional family roles—what they are, what they mean, and how you heal from them. Just remember: closeness is wonderful, but closeness allows you to be yourself. Enmeshment requires you to hide parts of yourself, sometimes even from yourself. Understanding this and understanding why this happens is critically important for your personal growth, happiness, and healing. A Question for You I am curious: Did you begin reading this because somebody else told you that they think you are too close to your family? Or were you beginning to feel suffocated by your family system? Or was there another trigger that got you to begin looking into this issue? Please share in the comments. Let me know if you have any questions. I love to hear from you!
Maybe you're always the one everyone turns to for help, or perhaps you're the one who always seems to cause problems no matter what you do. You might feel like you can't quite be yourself around your family, or that you automatically fall into certain behaviors when you're with them—these may even be behaviors you've decided you don't want to repeat anymore. If this resonates with you, you're not alone. Many people find themselves operating in rigid patterns that developed in their families of origin. These patterns made sense when you were younger—they helped you navigate your family dynamics and stay safe. But now, as an adult, these same patterns might be limiting your relationships, your sense of self, and your ability to live authentically. The good news is that recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. Here are nine signs that you might be stuck in a rigid role from your family system. 1. You Operate with a Lot of "Shoulds" and "Have-Tos" Particularly with regard to your family, you find yourself constantly thinking: "I should do this. I should not do that. They should do this. They have to. I have to." These thoughts and phrases reflect a rigid family system with very particular rules and roles. The constant "shoulds" indicate that you're operating from internalized expectations rather than from your authentic desires and values. 2. You Regularly Feel Guilt and Resentment Particularly when it comes to your family system, you might feel like you have an internalized programming of guilt. Anytime you want to assert yourself or express a need, anytime you want to set a boundary or say no to something, you feel guilty. It might even be that your very existence makes you feel guilty within the family system because it seems to create so much havoc. These guilt feelings usually bring with them substantial resentment. You might resent the role you're forced to play within your family. You might resent the way you're treated, which might be different from how other people are treated. The resentment is tied to feeling that you're required to do something that either doesn't sit well with you or that other people aren't required to do. This connects directly to the first sign—all those "shoulds" and "have-tos." 3. You Have Automatic Behaviors and Emotional Responses When you're around your family or when you find yourself in a situation that mirrors your family of origin, you might suddenly find yourself doing something you've really decided you don't want to do anymore. Whether that's saying yes when you don't want to, exploding in anger, or shutting down entirely—these automatic responses that we develop when we're young because of the family dynamic stay with us for a long time. These reactions happen before you can consciously choose a different response. It's as if your body and emotions remember the old patterns and fall back into them automatically, even when your rational mind knows better. 4. You Feel Your True Self Is an Inconvenience You've probably been conditioned to feel that your beliefs, needs, and desires are actually secondary to the family system. You might hide parts of yourself from your family. You might feel like you have to present a false self to your family and perhaps in many other situations as well. This sense that who you really are is somehow too much, not enough, or simply unwelcome keeps you from showing up authentically in your relationships. 5. You Don't Really Know Your True Self This depends somewhat on where you are on your healing journey. If you've done substantial healing work and spent time analyzing the role you played and making changes in your behavior, you might feel like you do know your true self—you just can't let it out or can't seem to access it when you're within your family system. However, if you're at the beginning of your journey, you might feel like you don't even really know who you are. The reason for this is that when we hide parts of ourselves from our family system and learn to do this as children, we actually cut those parts of ourselves off. This connects to all those "shoulds," "have-tos," and "should-nots" because you can not exhibit the traits or behaviors that go with the cut-off parts. For example, if we cut off the part of ourselves that feels needy, we might develop a belief that "I should not prioritize my needs. I should not express my needs. I should not appear needy at all." Because we learned very young that we should not be needy, that part of ourselves becomes completely cut off. Yet, we all have needs. 6. You Feel Love Is Conditional and Must Be Earned This feeling probably extends to all your relationships, even those outside your family system. But it arose from a pattern of being within a family where you felt that love and acceptance—the ability to be cared for or valued—was tied to how well you fulfilled the family's expectations and how well you performed your role. You learned that love isn't freely given; it must be earned through compliance, achievement, caretaking, or whatever your particular role demanded. 7. You Feel Inherently Flawed in Ways Related to Your Role Let me highlight some of the common rigid roles within dysfunctional family systems and the deep-seated beliefs that often accompany them: The Caretaker If your role is the caretaker, you might have very deep-seated beliefs that "my needs don't matter" or "my needs are not as important as other people's needs." You might also believe "I can't count on anyone else" or "I'm not worthy of being cared for." The Hero Child If you were the hero child, you might believe that you're only worth as much as your achievements. While this might seem to the outside world like a positive trait—after all, you learned to achieve—it can actually leave you feeling very insecure, empty, and deeply lonely. There might also be an underlying feeling that "inherently I'm worthless if I don't keep doing these things and achieving." This can create intense anxiety—even unconscious or subconscious anxiety—about what happens if you stop achieving. The fear becomes: "If I don't keep achieving, then I truly am worthless and nobody will love me, not even myself." The Scapegoat The scapegoat in the family generally feels like they are inherently bad. No matter what they do, they're bad—so why bother trying? The Lost Child The lost child probably has a deep feeling of not being important, of almost being invisible. Changing These Beliefs: A significant part of the healing work to recover from these dysfunctional family roles and reclaim those other parts of yourself so you can live a fuller life is healing these negative core beliefs. If you're new to my content, I have a free PDF, Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs . It helps you identify what your true deepest core beliefs are and gives you three methods for transforming them. Many people have shared that it's been incredibly helpful. 8. You Recreate These Patterns in Your Adult Relationships You might find yourself in midlife suddenly realizing, "I'm still playing this role now in this new family that I have." Perhaps you married someone who is just like one of your parents or siblings—or some odd combination of those. No matter what, you're still in the same role. You might also find the behaviors that go with this role showing up in your work environment or with friend groups. Becoming aware of how and where you're recreating this pattern outside of your family system is incredibly useful for your healing journey. 9. You Feel Extreme Anxiety When You Try to Change These Behaviors You might feel this anxiety and discomfort when you're changing the behavior within your family system, but you might also feel it when you're trying to change behaviors with a friend group, at work, or with your partner at home. That learned and deeply embedded reactivity—whether it's anxiety, rage, or shutdown (the freeze state)—reflects the fight-flight-freeze response. Our deepest survival response can emerge when you're trying to change behaviors, even if your frontal lobe knows it's the right thing to do and wants to do it. This deep reactivity also points toward the solution: to change these behaviors and truly begin living the full life you want, learning to calm your reactivity is critically important. Suggestions Based on Where You Are on This Journey If this is new information to you but you're not really sure exactly what your role is, I'd like to point you to my video and blog on dysfunctional family roles ( Video Here , Blog Here ). From that video, you can access the videos I have on all the specific dysfunctional family roles—the scapegoat, hero child, mascot, and lost child. Each one of those videos has healing steps within it. If you're partially on your way on this journey—meaning you know what your role is and you've been trying to change it but you're frustrated either with your family, yourself, or both because you don't seem to be able to change it—I just released a video for you called " Why Is It So Hard to Change My Role? " and the blog is Here . For everyone, I just released a video and blog that will help you break out of this restricting role: 7 Steps to Break Free from Dysfunctional Family Role video and the blog is here. Final Thoughts Recognizing these signs in yourself is not about shame or blame—it's about awareness and empowerment. These roles developed for good reason when you were young. They helped you survive and navigate a challenging family system. But now, as an adult, you have the opportunity to choose differently. Please share your thoughts in the comments. Was this helpful? Which signs resonated most with you? I'd love to hear from you.
Four communication patterns are common in dysfunctional families. Move from the dysfunctional communication style to a healthy communication pattern. This is based on the groundbreaking work of Virginia Satir who identified the placater, blamer, distractor, computer and leveler communication styles common to families
Breaking out of a dysfunctional family role you have held for years—perhaps decades—is one of the most challenging psychological transformations you can undertake. It is difficult, yet, it is achievable. It requires a fundamental shift in how you understand this process and what you can realistically expect. I am going to guide you through seven critical steps, and I encourage you to read through till number seven because it is rarely discussed, yet absolutely essential. Step 1: Focus on What You Can Control This requires a fundamental shift away from thinking about changing the family system or how particular family members respond to your changes. Instead, redirect your focus entirely toward your own healing and growth. You have likely heard this before, but I want to explore it more deeply to help you understand why it is so crucial. I understand the feeling: "But they will not let me change." And I know that it is not easy to face family resistance to your change. To begin this work, shift your focus to these questions: What do I need to heal? What behaviors do I need to change? What beliefs and concepts do I need to release? Here are the specific, concrete steps. Step 1: Analyze the role you have occupied You might already have identifyed the role you have had, and looking into it more deeply will help you determine which behaviors you'll need to change. Then establish a personal boundary around changing that behavior. This provides clarity about what you can do differently within the family system. I will return to this with additional guidance. Breaking out of a rigid family role is fundamentally about individuation—becoming fully the person you are meant to be. Step 2: Reclaim the Parts of Yourself That You Suppressed For each typical family role, there are aspects of ourselves that we suppress. We learn not to reveal those sides of ourselves to our family when we are young. Over time, we move beyond mere suppression to complete rejection of those parts. For example, the caretaker child severs their awareness that they have needs. Their neediness becomes suppressed. The internalized message is: My job is to take care of others, not to receive care. But we all possess the need to be cared for. If you have rejected that part, healing requires reclaiming it. The hero child who must achieve constantly to maintain family equilibrium has likely suppressed the part of themselves that resists such pressure, that simply wants to relax occasionally, that wants to play without purpose or goal. The scapegoat has probably suppressed their own desire to achieve. Why invest effort in achievement when blame is constant and a sibling already occupies the hero role? It feels futile. Yet we all possess parts that crave recognition, and being productive helps us feel good about ourselves. The lost child has likely suppressed the part that wants to be heard, seen, and recognized. We all possess all of these dimensions. Healing means permitting yourself a full range of feelings and multiple behavioral options appropriate to different situations. The healing work of embracing all aspects of yourself is fundamentally important. Step 3: Heal your Negative Core Beliefs Each role generates negative core beliefs. Let me address a common question: Obviously, not every family contains six members to fill each role. People frequently assume multiple roles. Sometimes, following a major family system change, your role might shift over time. But generally, the role you occupied earliest establishes the negative core belief that persists throughout life. Those negative core beliefs might include: My needs do not matter. I cannot trust others. I cannot rely on others. I am invisible. I am unlovable. I am bad. I have a free PDF (if you have not yet downloaded it, you can find it here: Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs ). It helps you identify your deepest core belief and provides three methods for transforming it. Step 4: Establish Internal Emotional Boundaries Boundaries are not solely about refusing requests, dictating how others should behave, or communicating what you will not tolerate. The far more important boundary work is internal. When we develop within an enmeshed family system—and rigid roles guarantee enmeshment exists—we lose the ability to distinguish our emotions from others' emotions. We absorb others' emotions too intensely and then assume responsibility for them. Either we believe we caused those emotions or we feel obligated to manage them. The emotional boundary work is essential. I dedicate substantial time to this in my boundary program , and I will provide more information later in this article. This requires considerable work, and I will direct you to YouTube videos that can assist as well. Step 5: Build a Support System Outside Your Family External support is critical for multiple reasons. When you are raised within a particular system, it is hard to be confident in your new beliefs and opinions. External validation is crucial: "Yes, that is dysfunctional." "No, you should not be required to do that." "No, that treatment is not acceptable." I want to be clear about blame. Blame perpetuates the dysfunctional system. But awareness and fact-finding are very important. I consistently encourage fact-finding regarding your family system, not fault-finding. Fault-finding is easier. Fact-finding asks: How did this affect me? What did I internalize? Where do I struggle to see beyond the framework I was raised in? What rules do I still follow despite rejecting them intellectually, rules that continue driving my behavior? For all these reasons, external support is essential. This might include a therapist, counselor, coach, or supportive friends. Building this support or identifying people who can support you in this process may require effort, but it is worth investing that time. Step 6: Practice Assertive Communication and Discover Your Voice Learning to communicate in a calm, clear manner that respects both yourself and others is essential. Aggressive communication disrespects the other person. Passive communication disrespects yourself. Assertive communication operates from the principle: I'm ok, you're ok. Begin practicing assertive communication outside your family system. Practice with friends or other people in your life first. When you begin practicing with your family, start small—address minor issues initially. The boundary program I offer includes an entire section on assertive communication. Numerous other resources exist, but what matters is beginning practice with the understanding that practice is necessary. It functions like exercise. You must repeat it consistently until it becomes comfortable and natural. Step 7: Leverage the Strengths of Your Role Without the Rigidity Every typical role within a dysfunctional family possesses significant strengths. The goal is transforming these behaviors from automatic compulsions into conscious choices—not reflexive obligations or "shoulds," but genuine choices. This role has protected you for years, perhaps decades. It has shaped substantial aspects of your personality, and you do not need to abandon all of it. Moving toward authentic individuation means developing the capacity to choose behaviors appropriate to specific situations at particular times, and choosing different behaviors at other times. For example, the hero child and caretaker child have developed considerable self-reliance and strength. They likely excel at problem-solving and may be exceptional in crisis situations. But learning to trust others, learning to accept your vulnerability so you can cultivate genuine intimate relationships—not necessarily within your family of origin, but in your adult life—means releasing the requirement to always be the strong one. The scapegoat has likely become a truth-teller. This is a valuable capacity for advocacy, both self-advocacy and advocacy for others. Many changemakers in our world - advocates for underserved populations - were scapegoats in childhood. The mascot has developed a wonderful sense of humor and likely possesses strong skills in helping others feel at ease. That aspect of your personality need not be relinquished. It brings pleasure to many. But developing deeper relationships probably requires stepping out of that role periodically so you can address conflict directly, listen to others' difficulties without deflecting through humor, and acknowledge your own loneliness and perhaps your feeling that nobody truly knows you. Accepting your own vulnerability is essential. The lost child has probably developed substantial self-reliance as an adult and likely possesses considerable creativity. But learning to trust others, learning to accept appropriate dependence enables you to find people you can rely on and people with whom you can be authentic, so you can express your voice and bring your creativity and special talents more actively into the world. Additional Resources Family systems resist change profoundly. I released a comprehensive video and blog on this topic last week, which I will link ( Blog: Dysfunctional Family Roles: Why Is It So Hard To Change? and Video here ). Understanding why family system change is so difficult reduces the self-blame we experience when we feel stuck. It can also shift blame away from the family system because these patterns are transmitted intergenerationally. Depending on your current position in this journey, here are additional resources: If you are uncertain what the dysfunctional family roles are, I have a video explaining them . If you want to understand enmeshment more deeply, I have videos addressing that concept. Therapy helps, coaching helps, but I recognize they are time-intensive and expensive. That reality led me to create an 8-week boundary course accessible from anywhere. The cost is probably less than two therapy sessions. Let me share feedback from three people who completed the program - these testimonials are taken directly from the google doc I created to gather feedback: "Your great program is really a lifechanger. It is not just a slogan." "Everything was very helpful. I am a much different person in a good way than I was eight weeks ago." "I have been helped to look underneath all of the unhealthy messages and negative core beliefs that I picked up in childhood and throughout my life. Really, just lots of wonderful, empowering information. Thank you so much for your compassionate and important work."" If this material resonates with you, I encourage you to explore that course. Information is here: The Ultimate Boundary Course . Let me know your thoughts on these seven steps and whether this article has been helpful. I will see you next week.
