While closeness is wonderful and healthy, there's a point where family closeness can cross into something problematic called enmeshment.

In an enmeshed family, individual identities blur, boundaries disappear, and family members aren't allowed to truly become the individuals they were meant to be.

Here are seven warning signs that your family might be too close—and what that really means.

Voting differently, trying out a new religion, or even having different financial priorities—it's not just that your family system disagrees with your choices. They treat those choices as an actual betrayal of them personally.

Healthy families can discuss different viewpoints and allow each other to differ, because we all do differ. But an enmeshed family requires that all family members follow the same sets of values and priorities. Deviation isn't seen as natural individual development—it's perceived as disloyalty.

This might also apply to other family members. For example, your mom can't be happy unless everybody else is doing well—or maybe her happiness requires that they are all doing what she thinks they should be doing.

It might be that you absorb other people's emotions as if they're your responsibility.

There are important subtleties here. Of course, we're all happier when our loved ones are happy. But we can't control other people's emotions. We can sometimes influence them, but it shouldn't reach the point where we are sacrificing our own critical values and needs.

In an enmeshed family, there are usually one or two family members who absorb everybody's emotions and then try to take care of all those emotions as if it's their own responsibility.

In an enmeshed family, each individual within the system is supposed to keep nothing back from the family. If something is hidden, it would probably be seen as another betrayal.

However, you're definitely not allowed to tell people outside the family what's happening inside. This is often to hide family dysfunctions—whether that's alcoholism, mental health issues, abuse, or personality disorders.

Obviously, none of us want to spread our personal information everywhere.

But being able to confide in friends, supportive people, and therapists is very important for health and growth. Enmeshed families prevent this kind of external support.

The family system will have a particular way they want you to achieve. Your achievement is not really about them being proud of you and happy for you in terms of you achieving the goals you have in life and living the way you want to live. It is more about it being a trophy for them that can make them feel good and look good.

Examples of this might include choosing a college major because it makes your parents happy or proud, or pursuing a career that you really do not want but you know will make them happy.

This goes beyond the normal conflicts we all have—deciding between a more secure path versus something more fulfilling. All families, healthy or not, will likely have opinions on these topics. But in enmeshed families, it is not just advice. It is "you have to do that or else we will not feel good about ourselves. It will make us look bad."

In working with people over 20 years as a psychotherapist, I often saw people become aware of the enmeshment in their family once they had chosen a partner in life and begun to form their own nuclear family. TThe enmeshment would be highlighted by their partner. For example, a partner might say, "I love your family and they are great, but no, I do not want to spend every single Sunday with them" or "I cannot spend every holiday with them. We also have to spend holidays with my family."

A partner might feel neglected if the enmeshed person is spending too much time with their family of origin. Yet, if the enmeshed person changes their behavior or priorities, there is a crisis in the family. 

However, please be aware that there are subtleties here!

As a mom of young adults, I deeply understand that it can be very sad if one of your children moves across the country. Sometimes the choices a young adult makes might make a parent worry a little more or feel down - and that probably falls into the completely normal category. But if that young adult is made to feel like they are a bad person for the choice they are making or that they are directly their parents, then that is a significant warning sign.

(Note: This discussion does not really apply to adolescence. The struggle with adolescents is different. There is often a pull for independence from the adolescent that might feel dangerous to the parent, and a caring parent is going to pull them back. Most of my material is geared toward adults—young adults all the way up to much older adults.)

Before continuing with the remaining warning signs, let me define enmeshment. An enmeshed family system is one in which people are not allowed to truly individuate—to truly become the individuals they were meant to be.

If you are new to my content, you will understand that I am not a big fan of the slogans and easy answers you often get online, because these things are not simple. But I want to give you the concepts to begin thinking about so you can decide what is the next step for you to grow, heal, and become the individual you want to be.

For example, perhaps a child is being a parent to the parent, or maybe one of the two parents is a parent to the other parent. Or perhaps there is too much emotional sharing from a parent to a child, where a child is inappropriately made a confidant of the parent.

In enmeshed families, roles develop usually when the child is very young. That child will develop into a particular role, and these roles are rigidly enforced by the family system. People are not llowed to grow and change outside of those roles.

Concern is lovely. We all have concerns about loved ones and their choices. We might even sometimes express those concerns. But we are not harping on them, repeating them, threatening relationship cutoffs, or taking them super personally. We are not employing manipulative tactics to get the person to do what we want them to do.

But in an enmeshed family, the concern will be manipulative. It will be communicated and then enforced in a very heavy-handed manner.

If you have recognized three or more of these signs, it is worth looking into whether your family system is enmeshed.

Now, this does not mean you have to leave your family. It does not have to mean anything dramatic other than you have named a potential problem or issue. Recognizing an issue like this is the first step toward healing and toward your own personal growth.

You can both love your family and recognize that some of these patterns are not healthy. This is also not about blaming your family, because many of these patterns are intergenerational. They have been passed from one generation to the next to the next.

The next step for you is to learn more about what enmeshment is. I have a whole playlist on this topic that you can access here. I also have videos on dysfunctional family roles—what they are, what they mean, and how you heal from them.

Just remember: closeness is wonderful, but closeness allows you to be yourself. Enmeshment requires you to hide parts of yourself, sometimes even from yourself.

Understanding this and understanding why this happens is critically important for your personal growth, happiness, and healing.

I am curious: Did you begin reading this because somebody else told you that they think you are too close to your family? Or were you beginning to feel suffocated by your family system? Or was there another trigger that got you to begin looking into this issue?

Please share in the comments. Let me know if you have any questions. I love to hear from you!