Not in every circumstance. 

And not to the point that it’s harming us.

Here are some things to consider which can help you to begin saying no when appropriate…

It is likely you had the role of appeasing others when you grew up. 

Often this becomes a pattern and you find yourself unable to say no to your family members. 

You are used to family members or the family system ignoring your needs.

You may be super competent and because of that you have to help those who aren’t.

This leads to pressure growing up to be the ‘rock’ in the family. But being the rock becomes uncomfortable because... well... we aren't rocks. 

And these patterns can be reversed.

Here’s how…

Recognize your soft spots.

Maybe your soft spot is your adult children.

You give them money every time they ask.

Meanwhile, you’re wishing you could retire, but you can’t because you’re giving them so much…

Of course, you want to help your child, but not at the risk of your future.

It’s time to change the contract.

Sit them down and say that you have to make a change to take care of yourself.

This can be uncomfortable, but necessary to respect your own needs.

This doesn’t mean immediately or fully cutting off the help you have been giving them.

You can come up with a plan to slowly stop and help them become more independent so that you can take care of your own needs.

Enforce your own boundaries.

We often hope that by sharing our boundaries with others, they will respect them.

Unfortunately, that is not always the case. 

It is important to focus on the consequences that you can enforce, and not to focus on the other person’s behavior. 

I’ve found that this concept is difficult to grasp.  We really, truly want the other person’s behavior to change. I spend a fair amount of time on this in my Ultimate Boundary Course, which people have found extremely useful. We also do the deeper work required to really change these habits…

Understand, truly, that your needs matter.

Other able-bodied adults can take care of their own needs, almost all of the time. Your purpose is not to fix them or be at their beck and call.

You are responsible for your own needs. No one else can even take care of your own needs like you can. 

If you want to learn more about how to say no to family members, I just made a video that you can watch here: How to Say No to a Family Member.

The video answers these questions:
Why can't I say no to family members?
How do I say no to a family member?
How do I say no without guilt?

Saying no without feeling guilty is critically important in life. No is not a conflict word! It can actually help with conflict.
Let me know your thoughts below!