Is your low self-esteem a reflection of your lousy boundaries?

Or are your boundary challenges a result of your low self-esteem?

In this blog, I’ll explain how there is a feedback loop between self-esteem and boundaries.

If our self-esteem is low, we tend to not stand up for ourselves. And, then, when we don’t stand up for ourselves, we feel even worse about ourselves, right?

However, we can turn this loop into a positive feedback loop and I will share tips that can help you do this!

Why Low Self-esteem Creates Boundary Problems

If you have low self-esteem, you may not think that your needs, wants and desires are as important as other people's. You might be driven by a feeling of “I'm not good enough.” Or you might be driven by a need to focus on pleasing others.

This will undermine your ability to set and hold boundaries. You won't be standing up for your own needs, wants and desires. You may not stand up for your own values because of how you feel about yourself.

And then, when you get into a situation where you don't stand up for yourself, then you end up feeling even worse about yourself.

A Tool to Help You Turn This Around: "Act As If"

The tool of “Act As If” is to pretend you have confidence and self-esteem. How would someone with confidence and self-esteem act in this situation?

Move forward with the actions that someone with self-esteem would move forward with.

No matter how you feel, and no matter what feeling it brings up in you, you follow through to hold to your boundary.

When you do this, it will begin the positive feedback loop. It will improve your self-esteem because you’ll feel proud that you were able to do it!

You might say to yourself, “Okay, I didn't feel like doing it. It was really uncomfortable. It went against every grain in my body, but I did it and because I did it, I feel better about myself.”

And I do know this is easier said than done. But you could think about a character in a movie you admire, or someone in your life that moves forward as if they matter. And mimic their behavior.

Our behavior changes how we feel in a deep way. So even if you don’t feel like doing the behavior, once you’ve done it, you will have impacted yourself positively!

The Real Reasons We Don’t Set and Hold Boundaries

There are two main reasons we don't set boundaries. One is because of how we feel about ourselves. It’s because of our beliefs about ourselves and the world, what's safe, what's not. Most of these beliefs were developed very young, and they become our Negative Core Beliefs.

And the other reason is our inability to regulate our emotions when we are in a stressful situation that requires boundaries! Often we get too anxious standing up for ourselves, and it is this anxiety that holds us back.

(This is one reason the “act as if” can be powerful. If you can push through your anxiety and still put in place the boundary, you will gain a positive experience setting that boundary!)

Learning to be able to emotionally regulate will allow you to still put in place a boundary even if you feel anxious. Emotional regulation tools can help you calm yourself down on the spot when somebody is violating your boundaries or when you feel the need to set a boundary.

In the online program I have on boundaries, The Ultimate Boundary Course we focus on learning this emotional regulation, changing behavior, AND rewiring our negative core beliefs.

Connection Between our Negative Core Belief and Our Boundaries

The negative core beliefs that we learned very young are the root of our boundary problems and our self-esteem problems.

There is a lot of “how-to” information available on boundaries. But none of it is helpful if, at core, we don’t feel worthy. Without shifting that belief, we’ll never be able to put in place the boundaries that will help us stay safe, honor our values, honor ourselves and have healthy relationships.

 So you can check out the program here with this link. I think you’ll be interested and I think it’ll be super useful for you!

I was a therapist for 20 years helping people strengthen their boundaries and lower their anxiety.

It really is possible. AND YOU ARE WORTH IT!