Today I want to explain how cognitive distortions fuel the downward cycle. I will help you recognize these distortions in real time and provide practical tools so you can interrupt this cycle. Ideally, you will be able to extract useful information from disappointment. But even if you cannot get there yet, at least we can stop the downward spiral.

Something does not work out—something you hoped for, wanted, or needed does not happen the way you wanted. That leads to disappointment. Then your brain constructs a story about why the disappointment happened and how you should feel about it. Very often that story centers on what is wrong with you.

We can move rapidly from disappointment to believing that the event not working out proves our negative beliefs about ourselves: "I am defective, I am not good enough, I am unlovable." 

Cognitive distortions are rigid, patterned ways of thinking. They can affect us across many areas of life. It is valuable to know which are your "go-to" cognitive distortions so that you can begin to recognize them when they occur. You become more aware of the thinking pattern and can observe, "There I go again. I am labeling. I am personalizing."

That recognition creates distance between the thought pattern and our reaction to it. We are creating psychological space for ourselves and developing the observer mind—that wise part of the brain that notices these patterns and can evaluate them: Is this helpful? Is this not helpful?

Personalization is when we take an event and make it about us—about our worth, our character, or what we did wrong—even when there are many other factors at play.

A friend canceled plans, and we jump to the thought "they do not like me", or "I did something wrong the last time I saw them.

We don't get a job we wanted, and we jump to "I am incompetent" or "nothing good ever happens to me because I do not deserve it, because I am not worthy." The event becomes personalized.

I can hear you thinking that these things are personal. Yes and no. They personally happen to you, but if a friend cancels plans, there are countless possible reasons. The same applies when we do not get a job—there is much that is random and beyond our control.

Labeling is when we reduce ourselves (or others) to a single defining characteristic, taking complex people and complex situations and drilling them down to one statement that supposedly covers everything.

I" am defective." "I am incompetent."

Labeling is a cognitive distortion because reality is never that simple. By nature, such statements are exaggerated and inaccurate.

Overgeneralization is when we take a single negative event and extrapolate it into a permanent, universal pattern.

"I did not get this job, therefore I will never get a job." "I had a couple of dates with that person and really liked them, but they decided not to see me anymore, therefore I will never find a partner."

A single negative event is extrapolated into a permanent pattern: this is how it will always be.

Emotional reasoning is when we assume that because we feel something intensely, it must be true. We draw conclusions based solely on our current emotional state rather than on evidence.

• "I feel like a failure, therefore I am a failure."
• "I feel right now like nothing will ever work out for me, therefore nothing will work out for me. I will defend this belief both to myself and to others because if I feel it this intensely, it must be true."

But our feelings reflect our current emotional state. They are not predictors of the future. 

Emotional reasoning occurs when we draw conclusions based solely on how we feel in the moment, and usually those conclusions contain other cognitive distortions, such as catastrophizing..

As we catastrophize, our primitive brain, which controls much of our neurochemistry—our stress chemicals, our feel-good chemicals—does not distinguish between our catastrophic imaginings and reality. 

It does not recognize these stories as fiction. We often generate the stress chemicals that correspond to the catastrophic story. Those stress chemicals then amplify the rest of the cycle. Sometimes these are also shutdown chemicals that leave us feeling numbed or wanting to collapse.

Catastrophizing almost invariably accompanies this type of reaction to disappointment.

All-or-nothing thinking is when we see things in extreme, black-and-white terms with no middle ground. If something is not perfect, it is a complete failure. All-or-nothing thinking can create avoidance, which impacts our behavior. 

This pattern is extremely common. Avoidance can lead to chronic disappointment and genuine hopelessness. Last week's video addressed chronic disappointment and its impact (you can find the blog here and the video here). This avoidance constricts our world. We do not pursue what we want. We may even sever our connection to wanting because all wanting has ever done is cause pain. 

If you listen carefully to all these examples, you can hear that the themes are tied to negative core beliefs: I am defective, I am not good enough. 

Sometimes they are negative beliefs about the world: Nothing will ever work out for me.

True healing requires addressing these very core negative beliefs. I have several videos on this topic, and I also have a free PDF that helps you identify your specific negative belief and provides three tools to begin transforming it.

We cannot change what we are not aware of. This week when you experience disappointment, which you likely will, notice where your thinking goes and see if it corresponds to any of the cognitive distortions I mentioned. 

If you are able to identify a cognitive distortion, label it: this is catastrophizing, this is all-or-nothing thinking, this is personalization.

Even if you cannot stop the distortion, simply labeling it creates the distance between you and your thoughts. 

You can combine this with labeling the feeling you are experiencing. Scientific studies demonstrate that labeling your thoughts and feelings aids emotional regulation. The simple act of labeling activates a different part of your brain—the prefrontal cortex—which helps calm the amygdala and the fight-flight-freeze response.

Ask yourself: 

• Whatever I am imagining about the future, the disaster scenario I have constructed—is this happening right now?
• Is this guaranteed to happen? Is it 100% certain?
• Do I need the stress chemicals I am generating right now as I think about this? If it is not happening right now, I do not need these stress chemicals.
• Is there something I can do about this right now?

Part of the reality check involves determining whether you can physiologically calm your body while thinking through whatever problem exists. There are always problems, and your disappointment likely stems from a real problem. Some of these problems are extremely important, but they do not require this kind of distorted thinking or these chemicals. What they require is full-brain problem-solving.

Sometimes it is helpful to write down what we are feeling or thinking. If we feel too overwhelmed, we can decide, "I can't think this through right now, but I will schedule time tomorrow or the next day to think this through."

As we write down what we are feeling and thinking, we can begin to identify any statements that reflect cognitive distortions.

Once something is identified as a cognitive distortion, we can acknwoledge that it is not accurate. A distortion by definition means this. Even if it FEELS true, we can KNOW it is not.

Simply creating distance by acknowledging that these automatically arising thoughts, which feel so true, are actually distorted, can be powerful.

Obviously a therapist can be invaluable in this work. An outside perspective can bring richness that we cannot access when we are cycling through the same thoughts repeatedly. I encourage you, if you have access to quality therapy and you struggle with this, to reach out.

See if you can identify common themes in how you think about recent disappointments. Identify the negative core belief driving those cognitive distortions, the negative core belief driving your response to disappointment.

Healing these negative core beliefs cannot be accomplished with a brief article. It may require long-term therapy. It is profoundly worthwhile to undertake the investigation and healing work. In working with people over 20 years as a psychotherapist, I found that addressing this was one way to reach the root issues driving most problems. There is a common thread, and it traces back to a traumatic event in childhood or a difficult situation that fostered negative beliefs about ourselves.

I have a free PDF that lists very common negative core beliefs. It guides you through a process to identify your key negative core belief and provides three tools to begin transforming it. Click here for the PDF.

Reasonably stated means you do not need to leap from "I am completely unworthy" to "I am the most worthy person in the world." 

We do not need to go from "I am stupid" to "I am brilliant." 

It is simply "I am smart enough, I am worthy enough, I am as worthy as any other human being."

There are many reasons we phrase this with moderate language, but primarily because our brain will argue against absolute positives. Curiously, our brains do not argue against absolute negatives. "I am stupid, I am worthless"—somehow our brain accepts that. But if we propose the exact opposite, our brain will reject it immediately. So: I am smart enough, I am good enough, I am lovable enough.

Develop the positive core belief. The PDF I mentioned also assists with this step. Once you develop it, write a list of evidence that the reasonably stated positive core belief is true.

If you believed that reasonably stated positive core belief, what action would you take?

I know you probably do not believe the positive statement at this point, but imagine: if you believed it, what would you do?

If this is too hard to imagine, think about someone else who believed they were good enough—what would they do?

Then push yourself to do this action.

What is the worst outcome? You feel disappointed.

If we could sit with our disappointment, allow ourselves to feel it, acknowledge that we dislike it and it feels terrible, but recognize that all emotional states are temporary—if we allow them to process through, they will pass. If we suppress them or push them away, they can become rigidly stuck. 

Generally, if we allow ourselves to feel disappointment, the feeling will ebb and flow. If we develop even a slight sense of "I can handle being disappointed," that alone will interrupt the negative cycle.