Interoceptive Exposure: A Powerful Technique for Anxiety
Barbara Heffernan • June 4, 2026
Interoceptive exposure can be transformative for people with somatic anxiety, specifically panic attacks, PTSD, OCD and health anxiety.
Your physical symptoms may have become a significant trigger for your anxiety, perhaps even the primary trigger. Or your physical symptoms might contribute to sustaining your anxiety cycle because they cause you to do what you can to avoid the sensations and the situations that cause those sensations.
These sensations can include a racing heart, stomach ache, palpitations, or noticing a strange pain somewhere in your body. When these physical sensations are interpreted as danger, your natural inclination is to avoid them and become distressed when they appear.
Interoceptive exposure is essentially exposure to your own internal symptoms. "Interoceptive" means looking inside—it's awareness of what's happening in your body. This technique is used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), where you intentionally recreate some of those symptoms in a safe environment with a therapist. Like any exposure therapy, if you can tolerate the anxiety and sit through it, the panic you feel from those symptoms will gradually decrease.
Through this process, your old brain—your amygdala and nervous system—learns that these sensations are actually not dangerous.
How Interoceptive Exposure Works in Clinical Settings
In a clinical setting, the therapist and client identify which physical sensations contribute to anxiety spikes. They then brainstorm ways to recreate those physical symptoms in the therapist's office.
For example, if shortness of breath and a spike in your pulse rate or racing heart are triggers, you might run in place for 30 seconds as fast as you can to recreate those symptoms. As you feel them, the therapist will ask, "How distressing is that to you on a scale of 0 to 10?" We use the term Subjective Units of Distress, or SUDS for short, to measure how upsetting a feeling is to you.
In my clinical practice over twenty years, I worked with many clients with PTSD and cPTSD. When clients revisit traumatic memories or upsetting events, they often begin to re-experience the physical sensations of the trauma simply by thinking of those memories. The link between the trauma and the physical sensations is often very upsetting.
I found EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) highly effective in helping clients recover from PTSD and cPTSD. EMDR therapy utilizes the concepts of Interoceptive Exposure by helping the clients sit with the physical and emotional feelings tied to the trauma. As the client would experience these emotions with more tolerance of the anxiety they cause, and more curiosity, the feelings generally waned. And how upsetting those feelings were would also wane.
This process involves mindfulness—being mindfully aware of physical sensations, noticing them without judgment, and allowing yourself to truly feel them without feeling compelled to make them stop. Over time, clients develop a greater sense of "I can handle this. It's okay. My heart races and then it calms down."
Research-Backed Effectiveness
The concept of exposure—not avoiding what you're afraid of—is a common theme throughout almost all anxiety recovery. Interoceptive exposure was originally developed for panic disorder, and extensive research shows it is extremely effective for this condition.
Various techniques have been used in research and clinical settings, such as having clients spin in a chair to evoke dizziness if that is a trigger, or breathing through a narrow straw to evoke the feeling of not getting enough air.
Even hearing about these techniques might make you feel anxious because the fear of those physical sensations is so strong. However, in various research projects, there were really no adverse effects on people from doing this, even though many people were initially afraid to attempt it.
Applications Across Different Conditions
I've discussed how this applies to PTSD when physical sensations are linked to trauma. This technique helps those two things become decoupled or separated.
Interoceptive exposure (IE) is now also being incorporated into OCD treatment more frequently because much of OCD is triggered by some type of internal sensation. It could be an uncomfortable physical sensation or an urge, and then that urge begins the cycle for someone with OCD.
How to Apply These Principles on Your Own
You can utilize these principles even if you're not in formal therapy. Here's how to begin:
Start Gradually
Begin with some of the lower-intensity physical sensations, not necessarily the ones that cause the biggest anxiety spike. This gives you time to practice.
Create a Sensation Inventory
Write a list of which different physical sensations trigger anxiety, then rank them. Pick one or two to work with.
Notice
Notice when the physical sensation arises and pause before you try to jump away from it.
Approach with Curiosity
Approach the sensation with curiosity:
- What does that physical sensation feel like?
- Where are you feeling it in your body?
- If it had a color, what color would it be?
- Is it hot? Is it cold?
Notice the Thoughts and Separate
Notice what thoughts this physical sensation links to. Perhaps jot the thoughts down. See if you can separate the observation of the feeling from the thoughts.
Slow Things Down and Notice if the Physical Sensation Changes
By slowing things down and separating the physical sensation from thoughts about its danger, you create space for new learning. As you observe the physical sensation, notice if it's changing. Does it change as you pay attention to it?
Try to Reframe Your Thoughts About the Feeling
Try to move toward the feeling of "I can feel this sensation and also know that I'm safe enough." If you can stay present with these sensations, they will calm down.
This will help your old brain update its assessment of that feeling.
Expect Initial Challenges
As you begin to try to sit with these feelings, you might notice that your anxiety increases initially. One of the hardest aspects of all exposure therapy is that when you allow yourself to be exposed to things you're afraid of and have been pushing away, it does create a spike in anxiety. This is actually why many people drop out of exposure therapy—it feels too intense.
However, increasing your tolerance for feeling the anxiety is what provides long-term relief.
Additional Resources
I offer a free webinar called "Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence." In it, I discuss some of the best tools for beginning to rewire the pathways that have developed—pathways that have likely been forming since childhood. These pathways tie certain physical responses to events and situations in ways that can sustain the pain of those events.
I also have videos on avoidance and
why avoidance makes anxiety worse. If you're working with a therapist, they may not have heard of the concept of Interoceptive Exposure using these exact terms, but they might be willing to look into it and see if they're comfortable working with you on some of this.
If you found this article helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit. Understanding and working with your body's signals can be a crucial step toward lasting anxiety relief.
Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU. More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.
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You can probably recall a time when you were with someone who was intensely anxious—and within minutes, you began to feel anxious yourself. Perhaps your heart rate increased. Your breathing became shallow. The knot in your stomach tightened. Or maybe you remember the opposite: a time when you were with someone who was truly grounded and calm, and their presence actually calmed you down. Your shoulders dropped. Your breathing deepened. The tension you had been carrying began to dissipate. This is not your imagination. This is emotional contagion, and it is scientifically proven. Understanding how your own emotional regulation—or lack thereof—impacts other people, and how other people's emotional states impact you, is essential for healthy relationships. Learning emotional regulation tools can improve your relationships significantly. Learning how to lower your susceptibility to emotional contagion can help as well. In this article, I will explain what emotional contagion is, how it impacts relationships, and provide five specific strategies for improving regulation in your own relationships. What Is Emotional Contagion? Emotions are contagious. Extensive research—both behavioral research and neuroscience—shows that we pick up the emotions of the people around us. The closer our relationship with them and the more invested we are in that relationship, the more this phenomenon occurs. This may not always feel accurate because we also tend to balance each other out. If someone is very upset, we might suppress our own emotions in response. But as I will explain, that suppression is actually part of the same dynamic. Three Pathways to Emotional Contagion There are three pathways that lead to emotional contagion: Pathway 1: Automatic Mimicry Unconsciously, when we see facial expressions in another person, we mimic them. If someone smiles, we tend to smile immediately. If someone frowns, we might make the same expression. This happens not just with facial expressions but also with voice, tone and body posture. Pathway 2: Autonomic Mimicry This involves our autonomic physiological system which works in synchrony with other people. Our heart rate, our breathing rhythm, and even our pupil dilation tend to mimic each other. Our nervous systems influence each other constantly. Pathway 3: Affective Convergence This is the convergence of feelings. When our facial expressions and body posture mimic another person's, and our physiological system aligns with theirs, we develop the same affective feelings. We end up experiencing a version of that emotion ourselves. The Suppression Trap: Why "Staying Calm" Can Make Things Worse If someone is extremely upset, you might calm way down. If this happens almost automatically, you are probably suppressing your emotions rather than regulating them. Extensive research shows that when one person suppresses their emotions, it actually makes the other person more anxious. And the person who is suppressing—while they might appear calm externally - is experiencing all the physiological signs and symptoms of anxiety or a heightened emotional state. Even when we are trying to be the balance in the room, we might actually be escalating the emotions present. This is particularly true for those who grew up parentified. Adults who were parentified as children often feel their emotional regulation is better than anyone else's in their families. While that might be true to some extent, without substantial self-awareness and genuine emotional regulation tools, you are likely using emotional suppression, not regulation. Where Emotional Regulation Patterns Come From The means by which you emotionally regulate—and whether you are highly regulated or highly dysregulated—is largely due to how you were raised. I am not saying this to assign blame, nor do I want you to spiral into worry about what you may have done to your own children. These are intergenerational patterns, and all we can do is work with the present. However, it can help to recognize that if you feel your own emotional regulation is lacking, you probably learned from dysregulated caregivers. If you have a partner who is very dysregulated, the same is likely true for them. This understanding allows us to remove blame and accusation from the discussion. We can approach this with compassion, recognizing that these are skills that should perhaps be taught in school or more seriously in our society—but they are not. The good news is that you can learn them now. Five Practical Tools to Improve Emotional Regulation in Your Relationships It truly is possible to improve your own emotional regulation and have a postiive impact on your relationships. These tools are helpful even for the partner that feels they are the one who is more emotionally regulated. And as a heads up, Tools 1 and 5 require substantial work - but gradual improvement is helpful! Tools 2, 3, and 4 are easier to implement immediately. Tool 1: Develop Your Emotional Boundaries Because emotional contagion is so strong—particularly if you grew up in a caretaker role in your family—it is important to begin recognizing when the emotions you are feeling are the ones you are absorbing from someone else. Begin to visualize a see-through bubble around you which represents you and your emotional boundary. Begin to think of your emotions as existing within that bubble. And picture another bubble around the other person - give it a light, see-through color. Picture that all their emotions are within their bubble. Differentiate between what you are feeling and what they are feeling. Bring in your observer brain to look at what you are feeling. For example... "Wait a second. I am feeling anxious because my partner is anxious about their interview tomorrow. What is my anxiety about?" You can begin to see whether your anxiety is about getting them to calm down so they can perform well in their interview. Perhaps you don't want them to be disappointed, or you have a vested interest in them getting a job. Once you understand why you are feeling anxious, you can apply tools to reduce your own anxiety, rather than focus on theirs. Because if we get anxious about making sure someone else is not anxious, it simply escalates the anxiety in the room. Part of developing emotional boundaries is understanding that other people's emotions are not ours to solve. We can be empathetic without feeling responsible for calming the other person down or changing their emotional state. Your observer brain can help you think through, "I do not have to convince them. I can recognize the impact their emotional state has on me, but I do not have to spiral into desperately trying to fix something I cannot fix." Tool 2: Use Your Breathing Deliberately If you learn diaphragmatic breathing and use it during difficult moments in relationships, you can keep your physiology within a tolerable range. In EMDR therapy, there is a concept of keeping your emotions within a "window of tolerance." They can still fluctuate, but you remain relatively regulated throughout. Diaphragmatic breathing is a powerful way to help yourself do that. When you breathe in a calm, regular manner, it is actually helpful to the other person as well. Your regulated physiology can support theirs. Tool 3: Establish a Guideline for Taking Breaks Put in place for yourself a boundary about taking a break from a conversation if you become too emotionally dysregulated. What typically happens in couple relationships (and I saw this extensively during 20 years of couples counseling) is that one person is visibly out of control upset, and the other says, "We need to take a break until you calm down" (and there's usually a finger point that goes along with the "you"). Generally, this escalates the emotions in the room. In actuality, even if you are the one who appears less upset externally, you are probably very physiologically activated internally. There is a marriage and family therapist and researcher who has a rule: if your pulse rate is 10% above its normal resting rate ), you need to take a break. ( John Gottman, PhD, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ) The problem with telling the other person they need a break to calm down is that it will make things worse. It feels like criticism and attack. It makes someone defensive. It increases their fight-flight-freeze response. Instead, say: "I am having a hard time regulating myself in this moment. Can we take a 10-minute break? I will be right back. I just need 10 minutes to do some slow breathing. We can set our alarm." You must put a time frame on it. Take a five-minute break, a 10-minute break, or if you are extremely dysregulated, revisit the conversation in the morning. Without a time frame, the other person will feel abandoned, which escalates their emotional dysregulation. You may also be feeding into your flight mode—your reactive pattern of running away from conflict. Set the boundary for yourself, not for the other person: "If I get too upset, I will take a mini timeout to calm myself down." I recognize this does not work in every situation. You cannot simply walk away from a young child. But you can incorporate this thinking to develop creative strategies of your own. Tool 4: Validate Before You Fix or Problem-Solve One of the most regulating things you can do for someone else is help them feel truly heard. Acknowledging their emotional experience before moving to "let's fix this and problem-solve" will de-escalate their emotional response and prevent the conversation from escalating out of control. I know I said you are not in charge of their emotional regulation—and you are not. However, knowing strategies that benefit the relationship benefits you. These are basic relational tools. If you have a partner who has difficulty validating your emotions, and you are emotionally regulated, you can say: "I am very upset about this, but I do not want to jump into problem-solving. I simply want to feel heard." There is an element where we sometimes have to help train people how to be in relationship with us. If you are in couples counseling with a therapist facilitating this, excellent. But if you are not, sometimes it helps to explain these concepts to your partner. Let them know what will help you calm down when you are upset. You might have to remind them, and I know that takes substantial emotional regulation on your part. But honestly, that is the big picture here: the best thing you can do for your relationships with others—as well as your relationship with yourself—is learn emotional regulation tools. Tool 5: Practice Honest, Regulated Communication This can be understood as assertive communication that is also compassionate. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I understand. These concepts can seem complex and somewhat unattainable. I have an online boundary program that addresses emotional regulation as the foundation for healthy boundaries. It includes an exercise on visualizing emotional boundaries to strengthen that skill, and an entire section on assertive communication so you can set and maintain boundaries. Healthy boundaries are not about keeping people away or controlling other people's behavior. Healthy relationships actually require good boundaries. Good boundaries are about knowing yourself—where you end and the other person begins—and knowing it is acceptable for you to have needs. Compassionate, assertive expression of whatever needs to be communicated will help the relationship. It can be done in a way that supports your own emotional regulation and possibly helps the other person—or at minimum, does not contribute to escalation. Suppressing your own emotions and needs will escalate the negative cycle of conversation. This is not about suppression. It is definitely not about lashing out, exploding, or releasing everything you have been suppressing because you are angry and frustrated. If you have taken that timeout when needed, if you have been aware ("my heart rate is way up; I am in fight-flight-freeze mode"), you will not reach that explosion point because you will have taken your break and calmed down. All these steps are interrelated. Expressing what you feel in a regulated manner keeps you in connection with the other person. Remember: it is not just what you say but how you say it, and even how you are feeling when you say it. A statement like "I am feeling overwhelmed right now with too much to do" will enable you to stay in connection far more effectively than exploding because your partner has not done what they were supposed to do. Anytime we explode with attack or criticism, we contribute to emotional dysregulation in the room. Bringing It All Together Consciously keep track of your own emotional regulation Visualize your emotional boundary Use breathing techniques to stay within your window of tolerance, aware that you might need to take a mini timeout for yourself if you cannot stay within that window Validate the other person's feelings, emotions, and experience. Pay attention to: "This is me and my emotions, and that is them and theirs." Practice assertive communication which includes compassion for yourself and the other person This is not easy work. I know that. But what I want you to understand is that emotional contagion is real, and there are tools you can use to work with it. You can understand the other person without fully absorbing their emotional state. We are not individual emotional islands. Each one of us impacts those around us. Let me be very clear: Impacting others is not the same as causing their emotions or being responsible for their emotions. They are not responsible for ours. We are responsible for our own emotions and what we do with them. Yet there is this framework of interconnectedness among us, and knowing how to work with it can improve your life and your relationships significantly. Please share in the comments if you found this valuable. What resonated with you? What questions do you have?
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While closeness is wonderful and healthy, there's a point where family closeness can cross into something problematic called enmeshment. In an enmeshed family, individual identities blur, boundaries disappear, and family members aren't allowed to truly become the individuals they were meant to be. Here are seven warning signs that your family might be too close—and what that really means. Warning Sign #1: Different Beliefs Equal Betrayal Voting differently, trying out a new religion, or even having different financial priorities—it's not just that your family system disagrees with your choices. They treat those choices as an actual betrayal of them personally. Healthy families can discuss different viewpoints and allow each other to differ, because we all do differ. But an enmeshed family requires that all family members follow the same sets of values and priorities. Deviation isn't seen as natural individual development—it's perceived as disloyalty. Warning Sign #2: You Can't Be Happy Unless They Are This might also apply to other family members. For example, your mom can't be happy unless everybody else is doing well—or maybe her happiness requires that they are all doing what she thinks they should be doing. It might be that you absorb other people's emotions as if they're your responsibility. There are important subtleties here. Of course, we're all happier when our loved ones are happy. But we can't control other people's emotions. We can sometimes influence them, but it shouldn't reach the point where we are sacrificing our own critical values and needs. In an enmeshed family, there are usually one or two family members who absorb everybody's emotions and then try to take care of all those emotions as if it's their own responsibility. Warning Sign #3. There's a Double Standard Around Secrets In an enmeshed family, each individual within the system is supposed to keep nothing back from the family. If something is hidden, it would probably be seen as another betrayal. However, you're definitely not allowed to tell people outside the family what's happening inside. This is often to hide family dysfunctions—whether that's alcoholism, mental health issues, abuse, or personality disorders. Obviously, none of us want to spread our personal information everywhere. But being able to confide in friends, supportive people, and therapists is very important for health and growth. Enmeshed families prevent this kind of external support. Warning SIgn #4: Your Successes Are the Family's Trophies and Your Failures Are Their Shame The family system will have a particular way they want you to achieve. Your achievement is not r eally about them being proud of you and happy for you in terms of you achieving the goals you have in life and living the way you want to live. It is more about it being a trophy for them that can make them feel good and look good. Examples of this might include choosing a college major because it makes your parents happy or proud, or pursuing a career that you really do not want but you know will make them happy. This goes beyond the normal conflicts we all have—deciding between a more secure path versus something more fulfilling. All families, healthy or not, will likely have opinions on these topics. But in enmeshed families, it is not just advice. It is "you have to do that or else we will not feel good about ourselves. It will make us look bad." Warning Sign #5: Independence Is Punished In working with people over 20 years as a psychotherapist, I often saw people become aware of the enmeshment in their family once they had chosen a partner in life and begun to form their own nuclear family. TThe enmeshment would be highlighted by their partner. For example, a partner might say, "I love your family and they are great, but no, I do not want to spend every single Sunday with them" or "I cannot spend every holiday with them. We also have to spend holidays with my family." A partner might feel neglected if the enmeshed person is spending too much time with their family of origin. Yet, if the enmeshed person changes their behavior or priorities, there is a crisis in the family. However, please be aware that there are subtleties here! As a mom of young adults, I deeply understand that it can be very sad if one of your children moves across the country. Sometimes the choices a young adult makes might make a parent worry a little more or feel down - and that probably falls into the completely normal category. But if that young adult is made to feel like they are a bad person for the choice they are making or that they are directly their parents, then that is a significant warning sign. (Note: This discussion does not really apply to adolescence. The struggle with adolescents is different. There is often a pull for independence from the adolescent that might feel dangerous to the parent, and a caring parent is going to pull them back. Most of my material is geared toward adults—young adults all the way up to much older adults.) What Is Enmeshment? Before continuing with the remaining warning signs, let me define enmeshment. An enmeshed family system is one in which people are not allowed to truly individuate—to truly become the individuals they were meant to be. If you are new to my content, you will understand that I am not a big fan of the slogans and easy answers you often get online, because these things are not simple. But I want to give you the concepts to begin thinking about so you can decide what is the next step for you to grow, heal, and become the individual you want to be. Warning Sign #6: Someone in Your Family Is Playing the Wrong Role For example, perhaps a child is being a parent to the parent, or maybe one of the two parents is a parent to the other parent. Or perhaps there is too much emotional sharing from a parent to a child, where a child is inappropriately made a confidant of the parent. In enmeshed families, roles develop usually when the child is very young. That child will develop into a particular role, and these roles are rigidly enforced by the family system. People are not llowed to grow and change outside of those roles. Warning Sign #7: Control Is Disguised as Concern Concern is lovely. We all have concerns about loved ones and their choices. We might even sometimes express those concerns. But we are not harping on them, repeating them, threatening relationship cutoffs, or taking them super personally. We are not employing manipulative tactics to get the person to do what we want them to do. But in an enmeshed family, the concern will be manipulative. It will be communicated and then enforced in a very heavy-handed manner. What This Means for You If you have recognized three or more of these signs, it is worth looking into whether your family system is enmeshed. Now, this does not mean you have to leave your family. It does not have to mean anything dramatic other than you have named a potential problem or issue. Recognizing an issue like this is the first step toward healing and toward your own personal growth. You can both love your family and recognize that some of these patterns are not healthy. This is also not about blaming your family, because many of these patterns are intergenerational. They have been passed from one generation to the next to the next. Your Next Steps The next step for you is to learn more about what enmeshment is. I have a whole playlist on this topic that you can access here . I also have videos on dysfunctional family roles—what they are, what they mean, and how you heal from them. Just remember: closeness is wonderful, but closeness allows you to be yourself. Enmeshment requires you to hide parts of yourself, sometimes even from yourself. Understanding this and understanding why this happens is critically important for your personal growth, happiness, and healing. A Question for You I am curious: Did you begin reading this because somebody else told you that they think you are too close to your family? Or were you beginning to feel suffocated by your family system? Or was there another trigger that got you to begin looking into this issue? Please share in the comments. Let me know if you have any questions. I love to hear from you!
Maybe you're always the one everyone turns to for help, or perhaps you're the one who always seems to cause problems no matter what you do. You might feel like you can't quite be yourself around your family, or that you automatically fall into certain behaviors when you're with them—these may even be behaviors you've decided you don't want to repeat anymore. If this resonates with you, you're not alone. Many people find themselves operating in rigid patterns that developed in their families of origin. These patterns made sense when you were younger—they helped you navigate your family dynamics and stay safe. But now, as an adult, these same patterns might be limiting your relationships, your sense of self, and your ability to live authentically. The good news is that recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. Here are nine signs that you might be stuck in a rigid role from your family system. 1. You Operate with a Lot of "Shoulds" and "Have-Tos" Particularly with regard to your family, you find yourself constantly thinking: "I should do this. I should not do that. They should do this. They have to. I have to." These thoughts and phrases reflect a rigid family system with very particular rules and roles. The constant "shoulds" indicate that you're operating from internalized expectations rather than from your authentic desires and values. 2. You Regularly Feel Guilt and Resentment Particularly when it comes to your family system, you might feel like you have an internalized programming of guilt. Anytime you want to assert yourself or express a need, anytime you want to set a boundary or say no to something, you feel guilty. It might even be that your very existence makes you feel guilty within the family system because it seems to create so much havoc. These guilt feelings usually bring with them substantial resentment. You might resent the role you're forced to play within your family. You might resent the way you're treated, which might be different from how other people are treated. The resentment is tied to feeling that you're required to do something that either doesn't sit well with you or that other people aren't required to do. This connects directly to the first sign—all those "shoulds" and "have-tos." 3. You Have Automatic Behaviors and Emotional Responses When you're around your family or when you find yourself in a situation that mirrors your family of origin, you might suddenly find yourself doing something you've really decided you don't want to do anymore. Whether that's saying yes when you don't want to, exploding in anger, or shutting down entirely—these automatic responses that we develop when we're young because of the family dynamic stay with us for a long time. These reactions happen before you can consciously choose a different response. It's as if your body and emotions remember the old patterns and fall back into them automatically, even when your rational mind knows better. 4. You Feel Your True Self Is an Inconvenience You've probably been conditioned to feel that your beliefs, needs, and desires are actually secondary to the family system. You might hide parts of yourself from your family. You might feel like you have to present a false self to your family and perhaps in many other situations as well. This sense that who you really are is somehow too much, not enough, or simply unwelcome keeps you from showing up authentically in your relationships. 5. You Don't Really Know Your True Self This depends somewhat on where you are on your healing journey. If you've done substantial healing work and spent time analyzing the role you played and making changes in your behavior, you might feel like you do know your true self—you just can't let it out or can't seem to access it when you're within your family system. However, if you're at the beginning of your journey, you might feel like you don't even really know who you are. The reason for this is that when we hide parts of ourselves from our family system and learn to do this as children, we actually cut those parts of ourselves off. This connects to all those "shoulds," "have-tos," and "should-nots" because you can not exhibit the traits or behaviors that go with the cut-off parts. For example, if we cut off the part of ourselves that feels needy, we might develop a belief that "I should not prioritize my needs. I should not express my needs. I should not appear needy at all." Because we learned very young that we should not be needy, that part of ourselves becomes completely cut off. Yet, we all have needs. 6. You Feel Love Is Conditional and Must Be Earned This feeling probably extends to all your relationships, even those outside your family system. But it arose from a pattern of being within a family where you felt that love and acceptance—the ability to be cared for or valued—was tied to how well you fulfilled the family's expectations and how well you performed your role. You learned that love isn't freely given; it must be earned through compliance, achievement, caretaking, or whatever your particular role demanded. 7. You Feel Inherently Flawed in Ways Related to Your Role Let me highlight some of the common rigid roles within dysfunctional family systems and the deep-seated beliefs that often accompany them: The Caretaker If your role is the caretaker, you might have very deep-seated beliefs that "my needs don't matter" or "my needs are not as important as other people's needs." You might also believe "I can't count on anyone else" or "I'm not worthy of being cared for." The Hero Child If you were the hero child, you might believe that you're only worth as much as your achievements. While this might seem to the outside world like a positive trait—after all, you learned to achieve—it can actually leave you feeling very insecure, empty, and deeply lonely. There might also be an underlying feeling that "inherently I'm worthless if I don't keep doing these things and achieving." This can create intense anxiety—even unconscious or subconscious anxiety—about what happens if you stop achieving. The fear becomes: "If I don't keep achieving, then I truly am worthless and nobody will love me, not even myself." The Scapegoat The scapegoat in the family generally feels like they are inherently bad. No matter what they do, they're bad—so why bother trying? The Lost Child The lost child probably has a deep feeling of not being important, of almost being invisible. Changing These Beliefs: A significant part of the healing work to recover from these dysfunctional family roles and reclaim those other parts of yourself so you can live a fuller life is healing these negative core beliefs. If you're new to my content, I have a free PDF, Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs . It helps you identify what your true deepest core beliefs are and gives you three methods for transforming them. Many people have shared that it's been incredibly helpful. 8. You Recreate These Patterns in Your Adult Relationships You might find yourself in midlife suddenly realizing, "I'm still playing this role now in this new family that I have." Perhaps you married someone who is just like one of your parents or siblings—or some odd combination of those. No matter what, you're still in the same role. You might also find the behaviors that go with this role showing up in your work environment or with friend groups. Becoming aware of how and where you're recreating this pattern outside of your family system is incredibly useful for your healing journey. 9. You Feel Extreme Anxiety When You Try to Change These Behaviors You might feel this anxiety and discomfort when you're changing the behavior within your family system, but you might also feel it when you're trying to change behaviors with a friend group, at work, or with your partner at home. That learned and deeply embedded reactivity—whether it's anxiety, rage, or shutdown (the freeze state)—reflects the fight-flight-freeze response. Our deepest survival response can emerge when you're trying to change behaviors, even if your frontal lobe knows it's the right thing to do and wants to do it. This deep reactivity also points toward the solution: to change these behaviors and truly begin living the full life you want, learning to calm your reactivity is critically important. Suggestions Based on Where You Are on This Journey If this is new information to you but you're not really sure exactly what your role is, I'd like to point you to my video and blog on dysfunctional family roles ( Video Here , Blog Here ). From that video, you can access the videos I have on all the specific dysfunctional family roles—the scapegoat, hero child, mascot, and lost child. Each one of those videos has healing steps within it. If you're partially on your way on this journey—meaning you know what your role is and you've been trying to change it but you're frustrated either with your family, yourself, or both because you don't seem to be able to change it—I just released a video for you called " Why Is It So Hard to Change My Role? " and the blog is Here . For everyone, I just released a video and blog that will help you break out of this restricting role: 7 Steps to Break Free from Dysfunctional Family Role video and the blog is here. Final Thoughts Recognizing these signs in yourself is not about shame or blame—it's about awareness and empowerment. These roles developed for good reason when you were young. They helped you survive and navigate a challenging family system. But now, as an adult, you have the opportunity to choose differently. Please share your thoughts in the comments. Was this helpful? Which signs resonated most with you? I'd love to hear from you.
