People who are emotionally dysregulated frequently feel shame... and they certainly can be shamed by others. This dysregulation is not your fault AND you can improve your emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is learned. It is not an inherent personality trait.

Emotional regulation isn't about your personality. It's actually about whether you've learned the right skills and strategies for managing your emotions.

Do you get overwhelmed by your emotions? This blog describes what emotional dysregulation is and why emotional regulation is important. And it provides a very helpful framework that will assist you in improving your emotional regulation: the process model of emotional regulation.

Let me ask you a question. When the narcissist acts out in anger, whose fault is it? * It is either yours or someone else's, but not the narcissist's. If the narcissist does something damaging to the relationship, whose fault is it? * Usually yours or someone else's, but not the narcissist's. Today's blog explains how and why this is enmeshment, and how the narcissist is actually enmeshed with you . In a relationship with a narcissist, the enmeshment goes both ways. However, the emotional caretaking only goes one way. Understanding this highlights the importance of healing your own enmeshment tendencies so you can break free from the pain of being in relationship with a narcissist...whether that person stays in your circle or not. Narcissism Is Inherently an Enmeshed State Narcissism is inherently an enmeshed state of being. A narcissist requires enmeshment in any person they are in a relationship with. This is the only way they can maintain the relationship dynamic that they need. Let me elaborate on why it is an enmeshed state of being to begin with. What the Narcissist Wants More Than Anything More than anything else, the narcissist wants admiration, approval, and awe. But why is that so important to a narcissist? It is so important to the narcissist because they do not actually have a healthy ego . They do not have a healthy sense of self or healthy self-esteem. I know many people will say, "No, that is not true at all. The narcissist has a huge ego. The narcissist has enormous self-esteem." But actually, healthy self-esteem is not dependent on other people's constant admiration. It is not dependent on other people's opinions. Yes, we all want others to like us. Most of us would like to be admired. We want people to think well of us, but it does not threaten our very sense of self if we do not get that. The Difference Between Healthy and Narcissistic Self-Esteem Narcissists do not have a healthy enough ego to be able to accept that they have certain strengths and certain weaknesses. They cannot admit their faults. It is as if their entire sense of self would collapse if they are forced to face their imperfections. The non-personality-disordered person can accept the fact that they have flaws. None of us like this. Most of us really dislike having to apologize. We do not like to admit we did something wrong. And we might turn to blame to avoid admitting fault. But the difference is that it is not urgently important to our internal sense of self. For the narcissist, there is nothing else but getting that approval and admiration from others. This is why they are so sensitive to every criticism. It cannot be tolerated. Their very sense of self is dependent on other people's opinions. That means that their very sense of self is enmeshed with those around them. How the Narcissist Requires Enmeshment from You If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist or you are in one now, you know that the narcissist wants you focused on their emotional wellbeing. The emotional caretaking in a relationship with a narcissist goes in one direction—toward the narcissist. The narcissist cannot tolerate not being the center of your attention and the center of the relationship. Their well being is their top priority, and it needs to be yours as well. WIthout these dynamics, the narcissist will not be able to maintain the relationship, at least not in its current format. Hopefully, this helps you understand why healing your own enmeshment patterns will necessarily change the relationship with the narcissist, if not end it. Emotional Manipulation Tactics The narcissist will use emotional manipulation tactics to make you feel responsible for any negative emotion the narcissist is having—and to make you feel responsible for any negative behavior the narcissist engages in. The person in relationship with the narcissist feels like: • "I better do this exactly as they like so they do not get angry" (trying to take care of somebody else's emotions, which is part of enmeshment) • "I have to do all this perfectly" (in order to avoid being put down or worse by the narcissist) • "I have to suppress these needs" (in order to avoid difficult situation with narcissist) Thinking that you are responsible for their behavior is enmeshment. Thinking you have to ack in a certain way to keep the narcissist's behavior reasonable is enmeshment, Caring Too Much About the Narcissist's Opinion Your own enmeshment can also show in terms of how much you care about what the narcissist thinks of you. If you find yourself getting stuck in the pattern of trying to convince the narcissist that you did not mean to hurt them, that you were not in charge of whatever thing happened that got the narcissist upset—if you spend time and energy trying to convince the narcissist that you are a good person — that investment of time and energy is a sign of enmeshment. We all want others to think we are nice. We all want others to admire us and like us. But if we are being unreasonably blamed for something, we can think to ourselves, "That is their problem, not mine." We can disconnect from it if we have healthy boundaries. If an unreasonable person thinks badly of us, we can be ok. If feeling ok in this situation feels impossible, that is enmeshment. The Narcissist's Opinion Is Not Really About You A very common and often true saying is that other people's opinions are not about us. However, with a narcissist, this is always true. The narcissist's opinion of you will be in service to the narcissist maintaining their sense of self: • If you are pleasing the narcissist, they will think highly of you • If you are upsetting them or not doing what they want, they will put you down They can be vicious. They can know exactly which buttons to push and what names to call you. It is very unpleasant and sometimes dangerous to be on the receiving end of their hostility. But it is ONLY about whether or not they are getting what they want. It is not their true opinion. It is another manipulation tactic. Healing the Deeper Patterns In order to heal your enmeshment, it is necessary to heal your negative core beliefs. The deepest ones probably developed in childhood. Some may have developed while an adult in relationship with a narcissist. But these core beliefs—whether they are something like "my needs do not matter" or "I am not good enough"—will play into the narcissist relationship and the dynamic that the narcissist needs. If you have not checked out my free PDF " Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs ," you can download it here. I hear from many people that it was transformative for them. It helps you identify exactly what your negative core belief is, and it gives you three methods for overturning it. This is some of the deeper healing work that will improve your life overall. Why Some People Stay and Others Leave As you probably know, I was a therapist for 20 years. Clients would often say to me, "I attract narcissists." And actually, I don't think anyone "attracts" narcissists more than others. There are two main differences: one is whether you are giving the narcissist what they want from the beginning, and the other is iwhether you listen to or ignore early warning signs People who did not grow up with extreme enmeshed patterns usually do not stay in the relationship even if they enter it. They also may not immediately give the narcissist the awe and admiration they are looking for. And let me add a subtle point here - many people will be polite and attentive - even admiring - on an external basis. But internally they are listening with a sense of skepticism and perhaps as the conversation continues, revulsion. However, it is also true that narcissists will "love bomb," whether romantically or even for a business relationship. They know how to flatter. They might initially seem to return the attention. This can be seductive for everyone. The love bombing makes everything seem great. You are wonderful, they are wonderful, everything is great. But then, as the relationship continues, little tiny glitches show up. Something goes wrong and the narcissist blames you. Many people will think, "There is no way I should be blamed for that. That was the narcissist's choice, that was their behavior." Yet people might also question themselves: "There must be a reason they think that. Let me talk to them more. Let me explain my side of things more." At some point, the narcissist smooths over the confrontation. But then it happens again. The more enmeshed a person is, the more they will think, "There must be a reason. I must have done something I was not aware of. Maybe I pushed a sore button in them." This person will give them the benefit of the doubt, time and again. People who did not grow up with significant enmeshment will not buy into it. They will be much quicker to say, "No, that had nothing to do with me. You can take responsibility for that or not, but I am not taking responsibility for it." If you don't pick up on these early signals, the relationship continues and deepens, and then it becomes more and more difficult to disentangle. If we grow up as the emotional caretaker of our families, we think it is our job to keep everybody else calm, happy, or functioning. (I just did several videos and blogs on emotional parentification: the most empathetic child is given the role of emotional caretaker for one or both parents. This is a setup for enmeshment. You can view a video playlist on this here , or read this blog ). Enmeshment can show up as: • Taking care of other people's emotions • Feeling responsible for other people's behavior • Feeling responsible for other people's happiness, anger, or other emotions Healing your tendency towards enmeshment is possible. It does not mean you have to stap caring about others. We can care and be in relationship without accepting unacceptable behavior and without feeling responsible for fixing others. Healthy boundaries foster mutually supportive relationships, and require healing enmeshment patterns. Breaking Free Understanding that narcissists require enmeshment to maintain their relationships is liberating. It helps you see that: • The problems in the relationship are not actually about your shortcomings • The narcissist's opinion of you is a manipulation tactic, not a true reflection of who you are • Healing your own enmeshment patterns is the key to freedom • You cannot change the narcissist, but you can change your own responses Remember, the goal is to heal so that you can have healthy, mutually supportive relationships throughout your life.

If you grew up as a parentified child, it is likely that you were the most emotionally regulated person in your family. However, most people who grew up as parentified children actually have significant emotional dysregulation. It just looks very different than what we picture when we think about emotional dysregulation. This is a hidden cost of parentification, and it gets missed by everybody—often including the person who grew up parentified. Understanding this can help point you in the direction of a piece that might be missing from your healing journey. True emotional regulation has been tied to happiness in extensive research. When we feel emotionally regulated, we feel so much better. What Actually Happens to the Parentified Child The child who grows up emotionally parentified learns to suppress their own emotions in order to take care of others. They suppress whatever needs they might have—anger, disappointments, desires. Their emotions are not validated, acknowledged, or understood. They are just pushed down in order to not upset a volatile parent or to caretake for somebody else in the family. Long-term, if you were parentified, you probably struggle with significant anxiety. It is also likely you feel substantial guilt and resentment that can weigh you down and be very depressing. And, often, numbness kicks in. I think that when we suppress our emotions and we do not learn how to process them and understand them—when we are just pushing them down, pushing them down—the emotions that leak out are anxiety, guilt, resentment, and numbness. Anger as well. These are the emotions I saw the most in my work as a psychotherapist with people who grew up parentified. They did see themselves as the calm one, the competent one—which they were. But the backlash from all of that was a struggle with anxiety, depression, or some of those other difficult emotions. Why This Emotional Dysregulation Stays Hidden One reason that this cost of parentification stays hidden—that we do not recognize the emotional dysregulation—is that most of us tend to think of people with emotional dysregulation as those who have huge swings in emotions: big angry outbursts, or moods swinging from manic to depressed. Those are the situations we think of when we consider people who are very emotionally dysregulated, and they are. But that is the external manifestation of emotional dysregulation . We can also have significant emotional dysregulation that is all internal. Consider somebody with obsessive-compulsive disorder—many people can hide it completely, but internally there is substantial emotional dysregulation. Or the high-functioning people we know who have significant anxiety but do not let it out. Just because we appear emotionally regulated does not mean we are. Why This Emotional Dysregulation Happens Let me talk about why this emotional dysregulation happens in a child who grows up parentified. Ideally, a parent helps a child learn to emotionally regulate. If the parent has reasonable emotional regulation and was nurtured themselves, this is very instinctual. This parent knows how to soothe an infant to help them calm down, or to energize and interest the infant when awake. The parent's own ability to breathe and calm themselves is actually emotionally regulating for an infant (or any age child!). As the child grows up, the "good enough parent" helps the child identify emotions, label them, validate them, understand why they are happening, and then also problem-solve what to do about them. (And remember, no one does this perfectly!) Unfortunately, what happens if a parent is unable to emotionally regulate themselves? They will not have the skills to teach their child or the instincts to help the child regulate naturally. Sometimes, a parent without emotional regulation will look to the child to help them regulate. This is "emotional parentification." The parent regularly communicates to the child, verbally or not, "you cannot be upset, because I am upset." Or, "you have to take care of this for me because I cannot cope." I know people get anxious when I talk about this because they think, "well, in some situations you have to do that." And, yes, sometimes even the best parents have to do this. But I am talking about a consistent pattern where it is unreasonable for the parent to require that the child suppress their emotions so that they can take care of the adult's emotions. It is a consistent pattern, and the child is not helped to learn any emotional regulation. The child learns to read other people's moods so that they can help regulate them—calm this person down, help that person function, keep the siblings quiet so the parent does not get mad. The child develops significant emotional intelligence in terms of picking up on other people's emotions, but not much in terms of understanding their own emotions. The Critical Insight: Suppression Disguised as Regulation The most critical insight to take away here is this: when the emotional regulation system is reversed—when the child is supposed to help the parent regulate—the child is not learning emotional regulation. The child is learning emotional suppression. However, that suppression will be seen as regulation. I would love to know if that makes sense to you and if understanding that is helpful for you. The 7 Components of True Emotional Regulation Let me talk about what true emotional regulation is. If you want more on this topic, please drop me a note—I think it is a super important topic. So what is true emotional regulation instead of pseudo-regulation? As I go through these components of true emotional regulation, I also want you to keep in mind that nobody does this perfectly . And I do mean nobody. We are human. However, increasing your ability to do each of the seven things listed below can be very helpful. With healthy emotional regulation, our moods still go up and down, but they stay within a zone of tolerance. The term "zone of tolerance" comes from psychotherapist terminology, but I think it is intuitive what that means. When people get manic or way too excited, way too anxious (way too up), or way too depressed (way too low), it can cause significant problems. People can stop functioning. Those states are very painful. Allowing yourself to have whatever emotions you have—not suppressing them, not ignoring them—and learning how to listen to them and learning what to do when they are talking to you will help you stay within that zone of tolerance. People who have healthy emotional regulation still get angry. They still get sad, they still experience grief and might have an extended period of grief. This is not about shutting off our emotions—it is more about learning to see them as information that is very valuable. Emotions can guide good decision-making if we learn to think about them, understand them, understand when they are overblown and maybe were triggered by some event in the past. So we learn to calm down those overblown reactions, but not ignore them. **Seven Components of True Emotional Regulation** **1. Awareness** Noticing emotions as they arise, noticing the physical feeling that goes with the emotion. The sooner we are aware of "oh yes, that is what I am feeling," the easier it is to regulate our emotions. **2. Labeling the Emotion** This can be difficult. Sometimes we do not know what we are feeling, and that is okay too. Often we have many feelings at once, so it can be very confusing. You can have conflictual feelings about different situations, but labeling emotions actually engages a part of the brain that helps you regulate. I did a whole video on that topic, which I will try to link here. But label the emotion the best you can. Even if it is to say "I am feeling upset, I am feeling a lot of things, and I do not yet know exactly what"—that is okay too. It sometimes can take a few days to figure out what you are feeling. Allow yourself that time. **3. Acceptance** Accepting your emotions, not judging them as good or bad. Not thinking "I should not have this one, I should have that one instead." Accept your emotions. Validating them would be another way to say this—validate the emotions that you are having. We tend to judge emotions as good or bad, reasonable or unreasonable, but honestly, it is the actions we take that can be reasonable or unreasonable. Right now we are just talking about listening to your emotions and accepting them. **4. Processing Your Emotions** Processing your emotions probably could be broken down into many other categories, but processing emotions is about understanding what information that emotion is giving you. All emotions give us information. Processing could be understanding a trigger or understanding why you had an emotion that was strong or perhaps overblown. What triggered you? Why? Processing the events and the emotions that came out of those events is part of emotional regulation, and it does require some emotional intelligence. Understanding what your emotions are telling you is crucial. I have many videos on different emotions—I have a playlist called " Emotional Intelligence ." In my Roadmap to Joy program, I actually have an entire section on deepening self-knowledge, which goes into what different emotions mean, why they come up, and how to interpret them. That is actually section number five of that program because the first parts of the program are about emotional regulation techniques, learning mindfulness, meditation, and learning healthy boundaries. All of this definitely goes together. **5. Self-Soothing** These components all work together because self-soothing is going to help you with your acceptance of emotions. It is going to help you with your processing of emotions. These are not necessarily in the order you have to follow, but these are all components of healthy emotional regulation. Learning various self-soothing techniques that are healthy—not, for example, alcohol or drugs, which might shift your mood very quickly but are biphasic and have a backlash—but learning how to breathe calmly, learning whether going for a walk helps you, petting an animal, or what helps you reregulate your physiology. I would put this into the category of physical regulation. **6. Choosing Your Response** Often our behavior is reactive—very reactive. For somebody who grew up parentified, the reactivity might be automatically helping somebody else, automatically saying yes to something you would rather say no to, automatically picking up that the other person is feeling anxious and then figuring out what you can do about it instead of recognizing your own anxiety. These reactive responses need to be transformed into conscious responses. Figuring out "okay, I had this emotion. What do I want to do?" Not every time that we are angry at somebody do we need to say something. Sometimes it is helpful, sometimes it is not. Being able to choose your response is crucial. Reactivity is where we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. That is reactivity—the old patterns just triggering us and triggering our behavior. Once we have processed emotions and processed the situation, we can make a good decision about what behavior will come out of that situation. What response do we want to choose? Obviously, that is a very complicated topic, but I think that just thinking about it this way and looking for "what is the best response on my part to this situation?" rather than "what do I automatically feel like I have to do?" can be helpful. **7. Understanding Boundaries** Developing healthy boundaries will help you remain emotionally regulated long-term. Emotional regulation also helps you have healthy boundaries—they work together. Healthy boundaries involve understanding where you end and somebody else begins. What is your responsibility? What emotional realm is yours? Understanding that other people's emotions are their responsibility to take care of. It is about boundaries in terms of a deep understanding of how we operate as humans. It is about cutting that enmeshment that happens with parentification that I talked about last week. It is about healing from that enmeshment, I should say. Once we heal from that enmeshment, we can be individuated. We can be our own individuals, and we can care, and we can sometimes caretake and sometimes receive support. We can move toward more interdependence in our relationships. Moving Forward with True Emotional Regulation Understanding the difference between emotional suppression and true emotional regulation is crucial for anyone who grew up parentified. The skills you developed in reading others' emotions and maintaining family stability were survival mechanisms, but they came at the cost of your own emotional development. True healing involves learning to: - Recognize and validate your own emotions - Understand that your feelings matter just as much as others' - Develop healthy ways to process and respond to emotions - Create boundaries that protect your emotional well-being - Build relationships based on mutual support rather than one-sided caretaking Remember, developing true emotional regulation is a process that takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself as you learn these new skills. I hope this was helpful. Let me know—I am very interested to know your thoughts. Check out some of my other videos and consider the Roadmap to Joy program, which also has a significant component on boundaries. Many people have found it helps them lower anxiety, develop healthy boundaries, and improve their relationship with themselves, which is, long-term, our most important relationship. We are with ourselves our whole lives. What has been your experience with emotional regulation? Have you recognized some of these patterns in yourself? I would love to hear from you in the comments below.

Did you grow up as the emotional caretaker of one of your parents? If so, you might struggle with boundaries and have a hard time validating your own feelings and needs. Parentification is actually a direct pathway to enmeshment. Understanding this can greatly assist you in your healing journey. 7 steps to heal.

Do you feel other people's emotions so strongly that they become your focus? Do you find yourself not even aware of what your own emotions are? If you answered yes, you might be experiencing emotional enmeshment. This blog explains what enmeshment is, what problems it causes, and how you can heal emotional enmeshment.

Do you struggle to set boundaries? Here's the TOP TEN reasons people struggle - and what you can do about it!

An ultimatum might be a boundary that you're setting that has a very severe consequence that you intend to follow through with . Or an ultimatum might be a boundary that's combined with a threat . Understanding the distinction between boundaries, ultimatums, and threats can mean the difference between creating healthier relationships and inadvertently damaging them. Today's blog will help you understand when each approach is appropriate and how to navigate these challenging interpersonal dynamics. Understanding What Boundaries and Consequences Really Are You've probably heard that boundaries go with consequences. If we set a boundary, it usually has some type of consequence, and some of those consequences are very natural. There are natural consequences in terms of how we feel or what we might do. There are natural consequences on a relationship if somebody violates a boundary. We can also set a very specific consequence if a boundary is violated. But not all of those consequences have to be extreme. Not all of those consequences have to threaten the end of a relationship. The actual definition of a boundary is that it's a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something. Boundaries are really about your limits—your structures for navigating the world. They can be purely about yourself and your own self-care, or they can be about what behaviors in relationships you will accept, which ones you won't be happy with, and which ones you absolutely will not accept. Your boundaries reflect your values, your needs, and your wants. Importantly, the consequences that come with boundaries are also about you and for you. Our consequences don't always change the other person's behavior, no matter how much we want their behavior to change, and no matter how much their behavior should change. I think the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum will be clearer if you can really think about these in terms of them being for you, by you, about you , and about you in relationships . Consequences in Healthy Enough Relationships vs Toxic Relationships In healthy enough relationships, the natural consequences of boundary violations might be enough to maintain appropriate behavior patterns. In toxic relationships, stricter consequences are probably needed. And in truly intolerable situations, ultimatums might be needed. For example, i f you're in a relationship with someone who is abusive to you or somebody who lies to you all the time, the behavior and maybe even the relationship probably feel intolerable. In these situations, it is important not to threaten a severe consequence (eg the end of the relationship) unless you are ready to follow through on the consequence. IGenerally we feel ready to follow through with a severe consequence, when we are fully confident in our right to have this boundary, and we fully accept that we can't change the other person's behavior no matter how much you want to. The Problem with Threats In my 20 years working with people as a psychotherapist, what I observed—and I have certainly seen this in myself—is that we often use threats when we are exrtremely emotionally dysregulated. At these moments, we state what might sound like an ultimatum, and we might even believe at that moment that we will follow through with it. But when we've calmed down, all the problems of following through with that threat become clear and we back off. These threats can actually be very damaging both to ourselves and to the relationship. The definition of a threat is actually a statement of intention to harm the other person. We put threats out there when we're very hurt, angry, perhaps desperate. We desperately want the situation to change, but it's not a boundary, it's not an ultimatum, and it's definitely not a consequence for a boundary violation. Understanding Ultimatums: Final Demands The definition of an ultimatum is a final demand or final statement of what you need (or the negotiating party needs), and the rejection of that demand will end negotiations, It's essentially "THIS or no more discussion." If that's the case, make sure for yourself that you're okay with that outcome. Following through with an ultimatum might mean accepting a suboptimal outcome. It might not be the outcome you want, and that's why we often fall back into threatening and not following through. Avoid the Zero-to-Hundred Trap When you set consequences, it can be very helpful to start with natural and "in-between" consequences. I see so much online where people go from zero to a hundred—either you get walked all over or the other person has to do exactly what you want. Usually, there's something in between. There are smaller steps to take. Boundaries are not a means to control the other person; they are not a means to win a power struggle. Boundaries are meant to improve relationships if possible, and to keep you safe if it is not possible. Boundaries are about trying to make a relationship safe and appropriate for the roles of the people involved—keeping the level of intimacy and interaction appropriate to those roles. The Key Factor: Emotional Regulation The most crucial element in setting healthy boundaries—whether they're simple boundaries or more serious ultimatums—is your own emotional regulation. This is really the key to having healthy boundaries and knowing how to set them, express them, and enforce them. Most of the time, it's not about what information you need or what boundaries you should set. While confusion can certainly come up because boundary-setting can be very confusing in many situations, it's more about the emotional response we have when we go to set these boundaries and the emotional triggers that might make us not do that well or fold and not do it at all. I focus extensively on emotional regulation in my boundary program, along with how to set boundaries appropriately and enforce them effectively. The program addresses not just the mechanics of boundary-setting but the inner work needed to maintain them consistently. Information on the program is here: The Ultimate Boudary Course . Moving Forward with Clarity Understanding the difference between boundaries and ultimatums helps you approach relationship challenges more effectively: Remember, healthy boundary-setting is a skill that improves with practice and self-awareness. The goal isn't to control others but to create relationships that honor your values and needs while maintaining appropriate connection with others. I'd love to hear your thoughts on ultimatums versus boundaries. Do you have a specific example or question? Drop it in the comments below and I'll take a look—I might even create a video and blog about it.