In fact, sometimes starting to set boundaries with family sends shockwaves through the entire system. This reality prompted a thoughtful question from one of my viewers who expressed so eloquently the problem that so many of us face. She's looking for advice on how to deal with the consequences that come when we begin changing those old patterns of people-pleasing, caretaking, and being the parentified child.

In her comment she states that "the truth is, these changes have very real consequences within the family system, and this change can bring real depression and anxiety with it."

I completely agree with her assessment, and I thought it might be helpful to share my thoughts on what you can expect when you begin setting new boundaries AND how you can best navigate this challenging but necessary process.

When you begin setting boundaries for the first time, you can expect pushback, lack of understanding, and lack of awareness—even from well-meaning family members. 

When we change our behavior, it impacts the entire family system. One of the best analogies for a family system is a Calder mobile—you know, those delicate hanging sculptures with balanced shapes. 

Everything in a family system is balanced based on the behaviors of the individuals in that family and what they expect from each other. Each person has habitual patterns, and each person expects you to maintain your habitual patterns.

If you picture your family as a Calder mobile, imagine what happens when one of the hanging shapes changes or is removed. The whole structure leans to one side and becomes crooked.

Family members will spend considerable energy trying to get you back into your old position to keep everything comfortable for them.

If you approach this with the understanding that it is a systemic issue, rather than viewing it as evil or a personal attack, you're more likely to move forward in a confident, calm manner. You'll know to expect pushback from the system, yet you can still move forward with your necessary changes.

Even in reasonably healthy families, you'll probably encounter these three responses:

- **Pushback** 

- **Lack of understanding** 

- **Lack of awareness** 

In a much more enmeshed family system—where everyone's emotions are confused, responsibilities are unclear, and roles might be reversed (which happens when you grew up parentified)—setting boundaries can trigger more intense reactions.

In these systems, you might be the emotional caretaker of the family. You may not even know which emotions are your own, though you've been working to figure that out. You might habitually take on other people's emotions or be expected to manage certain family members' emotional states.

In very enmeshed family systems, setting boundaries can be viewed as:

- Disrespectful to the family

- Disloyal to family traditions and expectations

- Selfish (you'll likely hear this word repeatedly)

In more extreme cases, you might experience:

- Ostracism from family events or communication

- Belittling and put-downs about your new boundaries

- Guilt trips about standing up for your own needs

- Shaming 

In really entrenched and enmeshed family systems—particularly if there are members with personality disorders—the reaction to your boundary-setting might be extreme and sustained.

Another crucial thing to understand is that change takes time. If you're getting significant pushback, whatever consequences you decide to implement will probably need to be exercised multiple times. Systems take time to adjust, so patience with the process is essential.

I'm going to walk you through four key areas that will set you up for success: 1) inner strength and conviction, 2) preparation of boundaries and consequences, 3) communication strategies, and 4) building a support system.

I know this might sound daunting, but you've already been doing healing work. There's no finish line you need to cross first — just the more secure you can become in knowing it's okay for you to have needs and set boundaries, the better this process will go.

The key components to this section are:

**Knowing You Deserve Boundaries**: The deeper your conviction that you deserve to set boundaries, the smoother the entire process becomes.

**Emotional Regulation**: This is crucial. The more emotionally regulated you can stay while interacting with difficult family members, the easier it will be to stick to your boundaries. Really working on your emotional regulation tools before you need them is key.

**Disconnecting from Others' Opinions**: When we set boundaries, people generally aren't happy about it. If you're completely invested in convincing them that this boundary is a good idea, you're likely to fail. You'll exhaust yourself trying to convince them this is reasonable, but you actually don't need to do that. Not requiring others to buy into your view is essential.

This concept of regulating your own emotions is actually a core piece of the boundary program I offer—an eight-week program that looks at how to heal your negative core beliefs (which might be along the lines of "my needs don't matter" or "my needs aren't as important as someone else's") that need to be addressed upfront. The program also focuses extensively on emotional regulation tools that are best if practiced and utilized before you put yourself into potentially explosive situations. You can find more information about the boundary program by clicking this link.

**Understanding Yourself**

Spend time really understanding your own needs, wants, values, and beliefs. This foundation will help you prepare the boundaries you want to set. Also identify the specific behaviors, actions, activities, and conversations that make you uncomfortable.

**Understanding Your Triggers**

Understand your personal triggers. Why do these things bother you? How can you manage your emotions so they don't cause you to explode, run away, freeze, or fight? If you can manage your triggers and understand that they exist for good reasons, this awareness will help you be very specific about your boundary-setting.

**Realistic Expectations**

Think through realistic expectations for change in your different relationships. Some family members might be able to adapt, change, and respect your boundaries. Others might not be able or willing to do so.

Having realistic expectations doesn't mean you're giving them a pass or making excuses for them. It simply means you're being realistic so you can set appropriate consequences. It doesn't mean you have to put up with behaviors that are upsetting and harmful to you.

If you have a particularly toxic family member who you don't think will have the ability or willingness to change, anticipating this upfront helps you in two ways:

1. **It helps you set consequences you control** (withdrawing yourself from situations, limiting contact, etc.)

2. **It helps you manage your emotions in the moment** rather than hoping for change that won't come

**Boundaries vs. Threats**

During this preparation phase, remember that consequences are not threats, and threats are not consequences. Threatening cutoff or threatening to prevent someone from seeing your children isn't a consequence—it's a threat. Threats are often given during emotional dysregulation moments and frequently aren't followed through with.

**Preparing Responses**

Come up with responses to the pushback you expect to receive. If your family system typically uses guilt trips, rehearse a few calm responses. Often, the most effective responses simply restate your position calmly without going down the rabbit hole of whatever you're being accused of.

Be prepared to reiterate your boundaries and redirect family members multiple times. Anticipating that this will take time helps with that crucial emotional regulation.

Keep three words in mind when setting boundaries: **clear, kind, and firm**.

**Be Clear**: State your boundary directly and specifically

**Say it Kindly**: Avoid attacking or blaming language  

**Say it Firmly**: Firm means assertive, not aggressive

Express your boundary from the perspective of your feelings: "I feel X when this happens, and I'd like to ask that you do A, B, C instead." This approach avoids blaming and isn't attacking, which helps people respond more positively.

Communicating with the Toxic Family Members

If you have a really toxic family member, expressing your feelings may actually be used against you. You might be put down for feeling what you're feeling, or it might give them fuel to attack you. In these cases, simply state: "I no longer want to be yelled at. If that begins to happen, this is what I will do."

Any pushback ("You're such a baby," "You're being ridiculous," etc.) gets the same calm response: "I no longer want to be yelled at. If that begins to happen, this is what I'll do."

Additional Communication Skills

- **Learn to say no clearly and simply**  

- **Value your own time and peace of mind**

- **Avoid family gossip and triangulation** ("He said," "She said," jockeying for position)

If you're trying to get out of an enmeshed family system, not engaging in behaviors that contribute to the enmeshment will be very helpful.

This is really important because as you make these changes and bring them into your family system, the resulting shockwaves can make it hard to hold your ground without support.

- **Supportive therapist** who understands family dynamics

- **Supportive friends** who've been through similar experiences  

- **Support groups** like Al-Anon (for friends and family of people with alcoholism) and other "anon" groups

- **Online communities** focused on family recovery and boundary-setting

Many problems in enmeshed systems include alcohol, drugs, or mental illness, so having a support system where people understand these family dynamics can be invaluable.

Use self-compassion throughout this process. Know that this won't be a straight line—you're going to set a boundary and then struggle to hold it at times. You're changing habitual patterns that have been in place for years or decades.

As you practice boundary-setting and experience the self-esteem that comes from holding reasonable boundaries, it becomes very reinforcing. Having compassion for yourself as you go through this process and giving yourself time to adjust is essential.

I need to end with a hopeful message because having healthy boundaries actually improves relationships—even family relationships. Over time, the healthy (or healthy enough) members of your family will adapt and change. Hopefully, your relationships with them will strengthen to the point where your family becomes somewhat of a support system rather than just an anxiety-producing system.

That's the hope and intention of moving forward with boundary-setting. You can even share this vision with the healthier family members—that you're working toward stronger, more respectful relationships for everyone.

This is a complicated topic that requires ongoing attention and practice. Remember these key points:

- **You deserve self-respect and respect from others**

- **You deserve to take care of your own needs while being a contributing family member**  

- **Doing both is possible**, though maybe not in the way your family is used to or wants

- **Things can change** with time, consistency, and the right approach

The family mobile will eventually find a new balance—one that includes space for your needs, your boundaries, and your well-being. It may look different from what everyone is used to, but it can be healthier for everyone involved.

Setting boundaries with family is one of the most challenging aspects of personal growth, but it's also one of the most rewarding. You're not just changing your own life—you're potentially creating a healthier legacy for future generations and modeling what healthy relationships can look like.

What questions do you have about setting boundaries with your family? Have you experienced some of these dynamics? I'd love to hear about your experiences and any specific situations you'd like me to address in future content.