That emotion is disappointment.

I know this may sound overly simplistic at first. You might be thinking, "My anxiety is about real problems, not just disappointment." I am not suggesting that all your anxiety stems from disappointment, nor that it is the sole cause. But disappointment is a profoundly painful emotion that we rarely discuss openly. We go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it, often without conscious awareness that we are doing so. Whether your anxiety manifests as constant activity—controlling, planning, perpetually doing—or as withdrawal and avoidance, the fear of disappointment may be driving more of your behavior than you realize.

When Anxiety Manifests as Overdoing

For people who overfunction, who attempt to control every minute detail, who obsessively plan events and holidays that should be enjoyable, worrying incessantly about everything that could go wrong—we might call ourselves perfectionists. But consider an entirely different lens: ask yourself what the worst outcome actually is. Really drill down. So what if that happens? And what if that happens?

When we follow this line of questioning far enough with our worries, we often arrive at a simple realization: I will be disappointed and I do not want to be disappointed. 

Or I will disappoint someone else and that feels unbearable. 

Or perhaps I will disappoint myself.

Disappointment is an everyday emotion, yet it is one we despise. We do attempt to avoid it, which is completely understandable. But becoming aware of whether avoiding that emotion is propelling you into spirals of overwork, overdoing, or excessive caretaking is critical. If it is, then learning to sit with disappointment, to acknowledge what it is, and to recognize that all feelings ebb and flow becomes essential.

Understanding that anxiety revolves around attempting to control things outside our sphere of control can help us step back and ask: what is reasonable for me to do to pursue the best outcome here? What actions can move things in the direction I prefer? Then we must avoid getting trapped in that hamster wheel of ensuring every single detail is perfect, attempting to control things we genuinely cannot control—which includes other people's emotions and their responses.

For those whose anxiety manifests as avoidance—and some of us oscillate between hyper-overdrive and avoidance states—if anxiety causes you to pull back and not pursue opportunities, if you feel too anxious to apply for a job so you never submit the application, or you feel too anxious about dating because they might reject you, then that anxiety is functioning as a defensive shield. 

It is primarily protecting you against disappointment.

Consider this logic: if you do not apply for that job, you will not get it. The outcome is identical to applying and being rejected. But it feels fundamentally different. "If I apply and do not get it, that feels so much worse." Yet even if there is only a 3% chance of success, applying is the better choice if you genuinely want the position. But emotionally, it does not feel that way.

Begin to examine how often you are avoiding disappointment rather than something genuinely threatening. This reflection is worth your time and attention.

There are compelling developmental reasons why we create these habitual patterns to avoid disappointment. I want to emphasize that this is not criticism, and I encourage you not to use this information to criticize yourself.

We are at our most malleable and vulnerable during childhood. Our brains and personalities are shaped most profoundly by external influences during these early years. We learn about emotions from our caregivers. Ideally, caregivers would be emotionally regulated themselves and possess the emotional intelligence to guide us through feelings. Many of us, however, did not have such caregivers.

If we had a parent who became intensely anxious about disappointing others, we absorb that anxiety through observation. If we had a parent who became furious when we disappointed them, we learn that disappointing others is dangerous. 

We learn that disappointment feels terrible because neurobiologically we generate chemicals that create that sensation. (I discussed the neurobiology in another video and blog, which you can access by clicking those links).

Beyond the inherent discomfort, we learn that something dangerous accompanies disappointment: either in disappointing someone else, disappointing ourselves, or experiencing disconnection from our caregiver. 

In my other video/blog, I used the example of the 2-year-old and their tantrums. These outbursts are largely driven by the toddler wanting something they cannot have. They may lack the cognitive capacity to understand that what they want is dangerous or impossible. This creates profound frustration for caregivers attempting to navigate these situations.

Our patterns of responding to disappointment—whether our own disappointment, the fear of being disappointed, or the fear of disappointing others—have deep and meaningful roots in these early experiences. But we can rewire these patterns.

To rewire this pattern, the first step is recognizing when your anxiety is being driven by the desire to avoid disappointment. Without that awareness, meaningful change is impossible.

Conceptualize anxiety as an overactive bodyguard attempting to prevent every single bruise. Sometimes we need bruises to learn and grow, to develop new skills, to move toward our goals. We do not enjoy bruises, but we can tolerate them. We do not require a bodyguard preventing every bump and scrape.

We can personify anxiety by envisioning a small creature on our shoulder embodying all the anxiety we feel. You might imagine yours as a bodyguard. This personification helps us separate from anxious thoughts. It helps us recognize that we do not have to be entirely controlled by them. Not all of our thoughts are valid or true.

Understand that you possess the capacity to handle disappointment. It does not feel pleasant. 

But all emotions ebb and flow. If we learn to sit with the feeling—to acknowledge it, to be present with it—we can recognize: I am disappointed, and I do not have to fear this emotion.

For those who fear disappointing others, recognize that this fear does not warrant anxiety chemicals because disappointing someone else is not dangerous in the moment. It might produce an outcome that is less than ideal, but it does not necessitate a fight-flight-freeze response.

Choose one specific behavior to change. 

If you avoid situations because you do not want to feel disappointed, do the thing you have been avoiding. If you control everything compulsively, running frantically to ensure every detail is perfect, practice stepping back and refraining—which will temporarily increase your anxiety.

Changing the behavioral response is precisely how we rewire neural patterns in our brains. This is the mechanism for genuinely transforming our habitual patterns.

It is unrealistic to pursue a life without disappointment because disappointment is inevitable. It will happen. There is no strategy that prevents all disappointment. 

We cannot realistically strive to achieve a life where we never experience this emotion.

But we can achieve a life where the fear of disappointment is not dictating our choices, where that fear is not controlling our behavior. We can stop it from either generating intense anxiety and harmful stress chemicals or causing the opposite reaction—a freeze response that paralyzes us.

I am genuinely curious about your perspective on this connection between anxiety and disappointment. Please share your thoughts in the comments below. I value reading your responses and often gain new insights from them. Any questions or reflections you have—I truly appreciate them. I hope you have a wonderful week.