Anxious? The Surprising Link with Disappointment
Barbara Heffernan • January 6, 2026
What if a lot of your anxiety is about avoiding one particular emotion?
What if the anxiety that keeps you awake at night is actually NOT about the topic you are worrying about?
What if, beneath the surface of your worries about work, relationships, health, or the future, there lies a single emotion you are desperately trying to avoid?
What if, beneath the surface of your worries about work, relationships, health, or the future, there lies a single emotion you are desperately trying to avoid?
That emotion is disappointment.
I know this may sound overly simplistic at first. You might be thinking, "My anxiety is about real problems, not just disappointment." I am not suggesting that all your anxiety stems from disappointment, nor that it is the sole cause. But disappointment is a profoundly painful emotion that we rarely discuss openly. We go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it, often without conscious awareness that we are doing so. Whether your anxiety manifests as constant activity—controlling, planning, perpetually doing—or as withdrawal and avoidance, the fear of disappointment may be driving more of your behavior than you realize.
When Anxiety Manifests as Overdoing
For people who overfunction, who attempt to control every minute detail, who obsessively plan events and holidays that should be enjoyable, worrying incessantly about everything that could go wrong—we might call ourselves perfectionists. But consider an entirely different lens: ask yourself what the worst outcome actually is. Really drill down. So what if that happens? And what if that happens?
When we follow this line of questioning far enough with our worries, we often arrive at a simple realization: I will be disappointed and I do not want to be disappointed.
Or I will disappoint someone else and that feels unbearable.
Or perhaps I will disappoint myself.
Disappointment is an everyday emotion, yet it is one we despise. We do attempt to avoid it, which is completely understandable. But becoming aware of whether avoiding that emotion is propelling you into spirals of overwork, overdoing, or excessive caretaking is critical. If it is, then learning to sit with disappointment, to acknowledge what it is, and to recognize that all feelings ebb and flow becomes essential.
Understanding that anxiety revolves around attempting to control things outside our sphere of control can help us step back and ask: what is reasonable for me to do to pursue the best outcome here? What actions can move things in the direction I prefer? Then we must avoid getting trapped in that hamster wheel of ensuring every single detail is perfect, attempting to control things we genuinely cannot control—which includes other people's emotions and their responses.
When Anxiety Manifests as Avoidance
For those whose anxiety manifests as avoidance—and some of us oscillate between hyper-overdrive and avoidance states—if anxiety causes you to pull back and not pursue opportunities, if you feel too anxious to apply for a job so you never submit the application, or you feel too anxious about dating because they might reject you, then that anxiety is functioning as a defensive shield.
It is primarily protecting you against disappointment.
Consider this logic: if you do not apply for that job, you will not get it. The outcome is identical to applying and being rejected. But it feels fundamentally different. "If I apply and do not get it, that feels so much worse." Yet even if there is only a 3% chance of success, applying is the better choice if you genuinely want the position. But emotionally, it does not feel that way.
Begin to examine how often you are avoiding disappointment rather than something genuinely threatening. This reflection is worth your time and attention.
Why We Develop These Patterns
There are compelling developmental reasons why we create these habitual patterns to avoid disappointment. I want to emphasize that this is not criticism, and I encourage you not to use this information to criticize yourself.
We are at our most malleable and vulnerable during childhood. Our brains and personalities are shaped most profoundly by external influences during these early years. We learn about emotions from our caregivers. Ideally, caregivers would be emotionally regulated themselves and possess the emotional intelligence to guide us through feelings. Many of us, however, did not have such caregivers.
If we had a parent who became intensely anxious about disappointing others, we absorb that anxiety through observation. If we had a parent who became furious when we disappointed them, we learn that disappointing others is dangerous.
We learn that disappointment feels terrible because neurobiologically we generate chemicals that create that sensation. (I discussed the neurobiology in another video
and blog, which you can access by clicking those links).
Beyond the inherent discomfort, we learn that something dangerous accompanies disappointment: either in disappointing someone else, disappointing ourselves, or experiencing disconnection from our caregiver.
In my other video/blog, I used the example of the 2-year-old and their tantrums. These outbursts are largely driven by the toddler wanting something they cannot have. They may lack the cognitive capacity to understand that what they want is dangerous or impossible. This creates profound frustration for caregivers attempting to navigate these situations.
Our patterns of responding to disappointment—whether our own disappointment, the fear of being disappointed, or the fear of disappointing others—have deep and meaningful roots in these early experiences. But we can
rewire these patterns.
How to Rewire Your Response to Disappointment
Step 1: Recognize When Anxiety Is Driven by Avoiding Disappointment
To rewire this pattern, the first step is recognizing when your anxiety is being driven by the desire to avoid disappointment. Without that awareness, meaningful change is impossible.
Step 2: Think of Anxiety as an Overactive Bodyguard
Conceptualize anxiety as an overactive bodyguard attempting to prevent every single bruise. Sometimes we need bruises to learn and grow, to develop new skills, to move toward our goals. We do not enjoy bruises, but we can tolerate them. We do not require a bodyguard preventing every bump and scrape.
We can personify anxiety by envisioning a small creature on our shoulder embodying all the anxiety we feel. You might imagine yours as a bodyguard. This personification helps us separate from anxious thoughts. It helps us recognize that we do not have to be entirely controlled by them. Not all of our thoughts are valid or true.
Step 3: Know That You Can Handle Disappointment
Understand that you possess the capacity to handle disappointment. It does not feel pleasant.
But all emotions ebb and flow. If we learn to sit with the feeling—to acknowledge it, to be present with it—we can recognize: I am disappointed, and I do not have to fear this emotion.
For those who fear disappointing others, recognize that this fear does not warrant anxiety chemicals because disappointing someone else is not dangerous in the moment. It might produce an outcome that is less than ideal, but it does not necessitate a fight-flight-freeze response.
Step 4: Choose a Behavior to Change
Choose one specific behavior to change.
If you avoid situations because you do not want to feel disappointed, do the thing you have been avoiding. If you control everything compulsively, running frantically to ensure every detail is perfect, practice stepping back and refraining—which will temporarily increase your anxiety.
Changing the behavioral response is precisely how we rewire neural patterns in our brains. This is the mechanism for genuinely transforming our habitual patterns.
Living With Disappointment Rather Than in Fear of It
It is unrealistic to pursue a life without disappointment because disappointment is inevitable. It will happen. There is no strategy that prevents all disappointment.
We cannot realistically strive to achieve a life where we never experience this emotion.
But we can achieve a life where the fear of disappointment is not dictating our choices, where that fear is not controlling our behavior. We can stop it from either generating intense anxiety and harmful stress chemicals or causing the opposite reaction—a freeze response that paralyzes us.
I am genuinely curious about your perspective on this connection between anxiety and disappointment. Please share your thoughts in the comments below. I value reading your responses and often gain new insights from them. Any questions or reflections you have—I truly appreciate them. I hope you have a wonderful week.
Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU. More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.
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You can probably recall a time when you were with someone who was intensely anxious—and within minutes, you began to feel anxious yourself. Perhaps your heart rate increased. Your breathing became shallow. The knot in your stomach tightened. Or maybe you remember the opposite: a time when you were with someone who was truly grounded and calm, and their presence actually calmed you down. Your shoulders dropped. Your breathing deepened. The tension you had been carrying began to dissipate. This is not your imagination. This is emotional contagion, and it is scientifically proven. Understanding how your own emotional regulation—or lack thereof—impacts other people, and how other people's emotional states impact you, is essential for healthy relationships. Learning emotional regulation tools can improve your relationships significantly. Learning how to lower your susceptibility to emotional contagion can help as well. In this article, I will explain what emotional contagion is, how it impacts relationships, and provide five specific strategies for improving regulation in your own relationships. What Is Emotional Contagion? Emotions are contagious. Extensive research—both behavioral research and neuroscience—shows that we pick up the emotions of the people around us. The closer our relationship with them and the more invested we are in that relationship, the more this phenomenon occurs. This may not always feel accurate because we also tend to balance each other out. If someone is very upset, we might suppress our own emotions in response. But as I will explain, that suppression is actually part of the same dynamic. Three Pathways to Emotional Contagion There are three pathways that lead to emotional contagion: Pathway 1: Automatic Mimicry Unconsciously, when we see facial expressions in another person, we mimic them. If someone smiles, we tend to smile immediately. If someone frowns, we might make the same expression. This happens not just with facial expressions but also with voice, tone and body posture. Pathway 2: Autonomic Mimicry This involves our autonomic physiological system which works in synchrony with other people. Our heart rate, our breathing rhythm, and even our pupil dilation tend to mimic each other. Our nervous systems influence each other constantly. Pathway 3: Affective Convergence This is the convergence of feelings. When our facial expressions and body posture mimic another person's, and our physiological system aligns with theirs, we develop the same affective feelings. We end up experiencing a version of that emotion ourselves. The Suppression Trap: Why "Staying Calm" Can Make Things Worse If someone is extremely upset, you might calm way down. If this happens almost automatically, you are probably suppressing your emotions rather than regulating them. Extensive research shows that when one person suppresses their emotions, it actually makes the other person more anxious. And the person who is suppressing—while they might appear calm externally - is experiencing all the physiological signs and symptoms of anxiety or a heightened emotional state. Even when we are trying to be the balance in the room, we might actually be escalating the emotions present. This is particularly true for those who grew up parentified. Adults who were parentified as children often feel their emotional regulation is better than anyone else's in their families. While that might be true to some extent, without substantial self-awareness and genuine emotional regulation tools, you are likely using emotional suppression, not regulation. Where Emotional Regulation Patterns Come From The means by which you emotionally regulate—and whether you are highly regulated or highly dysregulated—is largely due to how you were raised. I am not saying this to assign blame, nor do I want you to spiral into worry about what you may have done to your own children. These are intergenerational patterns, and all we can do is work with the present. However, it can help to recognize that if you feel your own emotional regulation is lacking, you probably learned from dysregulated caregivers. If you have a partner who is very dysregulated, the same is likely true for them. This understanding allows us to remove blame and accusation from the discussion. We can approach this with compassion, recognizing that these are skills that should perhaps be taught in school or more seriously in our society—but they are not. The good news is that you can learn them now. Five Practical Tools to Improve Emotional Regulation in Your Relationships It truly is possible to improve your own emotional regulation and have a postiive impact on your relationships. These tools are helpful even for the partner that feels they are the one who is more emotionally regulated. And as a heads up, Tools 1 and 5 require substantial work - but gradual improvement is helpful! Tools 2, 3, and 4 are easier to implement immediately. Tool 1: Develop Your Emotional Boundaries Because emotional contagion is so strong—particularly if you grew up in a caretaker role in your family—it is important to begin recognizing when the emotions you are feeling are the ones you are absorbing from someone else. Begin to visualize a see-through bubble around you which represents you and your emotional boundary. Begin to think of your emotions as existing within that bubble. And picture another bubble around the other person - give it a light, see-through color. Picture that all their emotions are within their bubble. Differentiate between what you are feeling and what they are feeling. Bring in your observer brain to look at what you are feeling. For example... "Wait a second. I am feeling anxious because my partner is anxious about their interview tomorrow. What is my anxiety about?" You can begin to see whether your anxiety is about getting them to calm down so they can perform well in their interview. Perhaps you don't want them to be disappointed, or you have a vested interest in them getting a job. Once you understand why you are feeling anxious, you can apply tools to reduce your own anxiety, rather than focus on theirs. Because if we get anxious about making sure someone else is not anxious, it simply escalates the anxiety in the room. Part of developing emotional boundaries is understanding that other people's emotions are not ours to solve. We can be empathetic without feeling responsible for calming the other person down or changing their emotional state. Your observer brain can help you think through, "I do not have to convince them. I can recognize the impact their emotional state has on me, but I do not have to spiral into desperately trying to fix something I cannot fix." Tool 2: Use Your Breathing Deliberately If you learn diaphragmatic breathing and use it during difficult moments in relationships, you can keep your physiology within a tolerable range. In EMDR therapy, there is a concept of keeping your emotions within a "window of tolerance." They can still fluctuate, but you remain relatively regulated throughout. Diaphragmatic breathing is a powerful way to help yourself do that. When you breathe in a calm, regular manner, it is actually helpful to the other person as well. Your regulated physiology can support theirs. Tool 3: Establish a Guideline for Taking Breaks Put in place for yourself a boundary about taking a break from a conversation if you become too emotionally dysregulated. What typically happens in couple relationships (and I saw this extensively during 20 years of couples counseling) is that one person is visibly out of control upset, and the other says, "We need to take a break until you calm down" (and there's usually a finger point that goes along with the "you"). Generally, this escalates the emotions in the room. In actuality, even if you are the one who appears less upset externally, you are probably very physiologically activated internally. There is a marriage and family therapist and researcher who has a rule: if your pulse rate is 10% above its normal resting rate ), you need to take a break. ( John Gottman, PhD, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ) The problem with telling the other person they need a break to calm down is that it will make things worse. It feels like criticism and attack. It makes someone defensive. It increases their fight-flight-freeze response. Instead, say: "I am having a hard time regulating myself in this moment. Can we take a 10-minute break? I will be right back. I just need 10 minutes to do some slow breathing. We can set our alarm." You must put a time frame on it. Take a five-minute break, a 10-minute break, or if you are extremely dysregulated, revisit the conversation in the morning. Without a time frame, the other person will feel abandoned, which escalates their emotional dysregulation. You may also be feeding into your flight mode—your reactive pattern of running away from conflict. Set the boundary for yourself, not for the other person: "If I get too upset, I will take a mini timeout to calm myself down." I recognize this does not work in every situation. You cannot simply walk away from a young child. But you can incorporate this thinking to develop creative strategies of your own. Tool 4: Validate Before You Fix or Problem-Solve One of the most regulating things you can do for someone else is help them feel truly heard. Acknowledging their emotional experience before moving to "let's fix this and problem-solve" will de-escalate their emotional response and prevent the conversation from escalating out of control. I know I said you are not in charge of their emotional regulation—and you are not. However, knowing strategies that benefit the relationship benefits you. These are basic relational tools. If you have a partner who has difficulty validating your emotions, and you are emotionally regulated, you can say: "I am very upset about this, but I do not want to jump into problem-solving. I simply want to feel heard." There is an element where we sometimes have to help train people how to be in relationship with us. If you are in couples counseling with a therapist facilitating this, excellent. But if you are not, sometimes it helps to explain these concepts to your partner. Let them know what will help you calm down when you are upset. You might have to remind them, and I know that takes substantial emotional regulation on your part. But honestly, that is the big picture here: the best thing you can do for your relationships with others—as well as your relationship with yourself—is learn emotional regulation tools. Tool 5: Practice Honest, Regulated Communication This can be understood as assertive communication that is also compassionate. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I understand. These concepts can seem complex and somewhat unattainable. I have an online boundary program that addresses emotional regulation as the foundation for healthy boundaries. It includes an exercise on visualizing emotional boundaries to strengthen that skill, and an entire section on assertive communication so you can set and maintain boundaries. Healthy boundaries are not about keeping people away or controlling other people's behavior. Healthy relationships actually require good boundaries. Good boundaries are about knowing yourself—where you end and the other person begins—and knowing it is acceptable for you to have needs. Compassionate, assertive expression of whatever needs to be communicated will help the relationship. It can be done in a way that supports your own emotional regulation and possibly helps the other person—or at minimum, does not contribute to escalation. Suppressing your own emotions and needs will escalate the negative cycle of conversation. This is not about suppression. It is definitely not about lashing out, exploding, or releasing everything you have been suppressing because you are angry and frustrated. If you have taken that timeout when needed, if you have been aware ("my heart rate is way up; I am in fight-flight-freeze mode"), you will not reach that explosion point because you will have taken your break and calmed down. All these steps are interrelated. Expressing what you feel in a regulated manner keeps you in connection with the other person. Remember: it is not just what you say but how you say it, and even how you are feeling when you say it. A statement like "I am feeling overwhelmed right now with too much to do" will enable you to stay in connection far more effectively than exploding because your partner has not done what they were supposed to do. Anytime we explode with attack or criticism, we contribute to emotional dysregulation in the room. Bringing It All Together Consciously keep track of your own emotional regulation Visualize your emotional boundary Use breathing techniques to stay within your window of tolerance, aware that you might need to take a mini timeout for yourself if you cannot stay within that window Validate the other person's feelings, emotions, and experience. Pay attention to: "This is me and my emotions, and that is them and theirs." Practice assertive communication which includes compassion for yourself and the other person This is not easy work. I know that. But what I want you to understand is that emotional contagion is real, and there are tools you can use to work with it. You can understand the other person without fully absorbing their emotional state. We are not individual emotional islands. Each one of us impacts those around us. Let me be very clear: Impacting others is not the same as causing their emotions or being responsible for their emotions. They are not responsible for ours. We are responsible for our own emotions and what we do with them. Yet there is this framework of interconnectedness among us, and knowing how to work with it can improve your life and your relationships significantly. Please share in the comments if you found this valuable. What resonated with you? What questions do you have?
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