The Paradox in Healing Anxiety
Barbara Heffernan • July 2, 2025
The very actions that will free you from anxiety might make you feel worse, temporarily, before they make you feel better.
This isn't often talked about, yet understanding this paradox could be the breakthrough you've been waiting for.
The Healing Paradox: Why Getting Better from Anxiety Might Initially Feel Worse
Picture this:
In order to heal your anxiety, you finally work up the courage to do that thing you've been avoiding or you resist a compulsive behavior that goes with your anxiety. Instead of feeling better, your anxiety skyrockets. You might think, "This isn't working—I must be doing something wrong." But actually, that spike in anxiety is proof you're doing something very right.
In order to heal your anxiety, you finally work up the courage to do that thing you've been avoiding or you resist a compulsive behavior that goes with your anxiety. Instead of feeling better, your anxiety skyrockets. You might think, "This isn't working—I must be doing something wrong." But actually, that spike in anxiety is proof you're doing something very right.
I'm going to explain why your brain responds this way, how you can work with this process instead of fighting it, and give you specific examples of how this paradox shows up across different anxiety disorders. More importantly, I'll show you how to navigate this temporary discomfort so you can reach the more lasting relief of recovery.
Understanding the Anxiety Paradox
Most anxiety disorders involve either avoidant behaviors or compulsive behaviors. True healing—the kind that actually rewires your brain—requires you to:
- Stop avoiding the things you typically avoid
- Stop engaging in compulsive activities that might temporarily lower your anxiety
Either of these changes will temporarily spike your anxiety. Engaging with things you usually avoid will make your anxiety increase in the short run. Same with holding back from compulsive behaviors.
At the end of this article, I'll share strategies for tolerating this increased anxiety, but first, let's look at specific examples to make this concept clear.
Examples of Anxiety Disorders with Avoidant Behaviors
**Agoraphobia**
A person with agoraphobia might avoid leaving their apartment entirely, or they might specifically avoid crowds. When they make the decision to avoid these situations, they get temporary relief—which feels reinforcing to the brain. However, this avoidance maintains the anxiety long-term.
Full recovery not avoiding these things because that's how you rewire the connections between your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.
**Social Anxiety Disorder**
Someone with social anxiety will avoid social events because they fear doing something embarrassing or being rejected. They might attend events but hold back and not fully engage. Again, this avoidance provides temporary relief but reinforces the anxiety cycle.
Healing requires gradually engaging in social situations, which will initially feel more anxiety-provoking.
Examples of Disorders with Compulsive Behaviors
**Health-Related Anxiety**
This might involve compulsively researching every possible health problem on the internet. The research provides temporary relief—you feel like you're "doing something" about your concerns. However, since excessive research isn't actually solving the problem, it reinforces the anxiety cycle.
Holding back from this compulsive research will temporarily increase your anxiety.
**Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)**
While OCD is no longer classified as an anxiety disorder, it follows similar patterns. Consider someone who compulsively washes their hands. Each time they wash, they get temporary relief from their anxiety. But this relief is brief, and soon they feel compelled to wash again.
To fully recover, they need to stop the excessive handwashing, which will temporarily increase their anxiety.
The Parentification Example
Last week, I published a blog
and video about parentification and anxiety, which actually inspired this piece. People who grew up parentified often compulsively:
- Take on excessive responsibility for others
- Worry constantly about other people's emotions
- Engage in emotional caretaking of others
This creates anxiety because while we can influence other people's emotions, we can't fully control or manage them. People who grew up parentified were essentially taught to attempt the impossible, and anxiety often relates to trying to control things we can't control.
Recovery requires holding back from:
- Constantly intervening in others' problems
- Giving unsolicited advice
- Taking on too much responsibility
- Jumping in to solve problems that other capable adults should handle themselves
Because these behaviors became so ingrained from such a young age, holding back from them will temporarily increase anxiety. However, changing these behaviors has the greatest influence on rewiring our brains.
Why Behavior Change Matters At Least As Much, If Not More Than, Thought Change
You'll hear a lot about needing to "change your thoughts," and yes, eventually changing thought patterns helps us escape anxiety cycles. However, it's not all about thoughts, and sometimes we can't change our thoughts without first changing our behaviors.
Actual behavioral changes probably have the greatest influence on rewiring our brains. If you're interested in learning more about the science behind this, I have a free webinar called "Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence" that explores fascinating research on what happens in your brain when you engage in certain behaviors and how these changes can help you focus more on joy and reorient away from anxiety.
Helpful Behaviors To Heal Anxiety Might Also Temporarily Increase Anxiety
It's not just about stopping avoidant or compulsive behaviors. Sometimes implementing new, helpful behaviors can also make you feel anxious initially.
**Meditation**
I frequently hear from people with anxiety: "I can't meditate—it makes me more anxious."
And yes, if you have significant anxiety and try to sit still for 10 minutes focusing only on your breathing (especially without a guided meditation recording), you might experience intense anxiety.
And yes, if you have significant anxiety and try to sit still for 10 minutes focusing only on your breathing (especially without a guided meditation recording), you might experience intense anxiety.
However, understanding that the long-term cure involves learning to tolerate that anxiety and slow things down is crucial. Research consistently shows that meditation helps lower anxiety over time.
**Accepting Powerlessness**
Another anxiety-reducing strategy involves accepting powerlessness when you are genuinely powerless. Many people worry that accepting powerlessness will increase their anxiety, and it might temporarily. However, if you're truly powerless over someone else's behavior, addiction, or emotions—or powerless to achieve a certain outcome you desperately want—admitting that powerlessness becomes hugely relieving.
This acceptance helps you focus on what you can do now to create the best possible outcome, even when you can't control the final result. For most significant life situations, we can't control the ultimate outcome, but we can focus on what positions us best to get there. This approach is far more productive, and engaging in productive action lowers anxiety.
How to Tolerate Increased Anxiety
Now that you understand why anxiety temporarily increases during healing, here's how to work with it:
Suggestion #1: Learn to Sit with Discomfort and Investigate It
- What does the anxiety feel like?
- Where do you feel it in your body?
- What are you physically experiencing?
People feel anxiety in different places—some in their stomach, some experience muscle tension, others notice changes in heart rate. Really examine where you feel it.
When you identify the location, explore the qualities of the feeling. Approach this investigation with genuine curiosity.
Suggestion #2: Use Breathing Techniques
While investigating your anxiety, breathe diaphragmatically—slowly and evenly, with equal inhale and exhale periods. This breathing signals to your brain that you're safe and helps lower anxiety while you're experiencing and tolerating it. It's another paradox, but if you try it, you'll understand what I mean.
Suggestion #3: Practice Mindful Engagement
Whether you're engaging in behaviors you usually avoid or holding back from compulsive behaviors, investigate what that experience feels like. Let yourself feel the discomfort. I know it's extremely uncomfortable, but you can tolerate it.
Some people find it helpful to "invite your anxiety in for tea"—though if that feels too friendly, simply bring curiosity to the feeling of anxiety rather than resistance.
Suggestion #4: Professional Support Can Help
Several psychotherapy techniques excel at helping you sit with anxiety feelings, including somatic-based therapy techniques, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and Exposure Therapy.
Suggestion #5: Visualization Practice
You can practice this on your own or with a therapist. Imagine tolerating the anxiety—picture yourself going into crowds, attending social events, giving speeches, or not obsessing over physical sensations. Imagine what that increased anxiety would feel like, then practice tolerating it, feeling it, and breathing through it.
Imagining ourselves doing things we know we're capable of but feel too anxious to attempt can be remarkably helpful.
Moving Forward with the Paradox
Understanding this healing paradox is liberating. When your anxiety spikes as you implement healthier behaviors, you'll know you're on the right track rather than assuming something's wrong.
Remember:
- Temporary anxiety increases during healing are normal and expected
- Your current coping strategies (avoidance or compulsions) provide short-term relief but maintain long-term anxiety
- True healing requires tolerating temporary discomfort
- Professional support can make this process more manageable
- The discomfort is temporary, but the healing is lasting
The path through anxiety involves moving toward the discomfort rather than away from it. This might seem counterintuitive, but it's how you build genuine confidence in your ability to handle whatever life presents.
I don't provide therapy anymore, but I have several resources available. I'm an affiliate of two online therapy platforms BetterHelp
and Online-Therapy, and there's also an online program called VirtualEMDR
that guides you through a self-help EMDR process.
I'm curious about your thoughts on this paradox. Does this explanation make sense? Have you noticed this pattern in your own healing journey? Let me know in the comments—I'd love to hear from you.
Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU. More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.
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