Today's blog explains how and why this is enmeshment, and how the narcissist is actually enmeshed with you.

In a relationship with a narcissist, the enmeshment goes both ways. However, the emotional caretaking only goes one way.

Understanding this highlights the importance of healing your own enmeshment tendencies so you can break free from the pain of being in relationship with a narcissist...whether that person stays in your circle or not.

Narcissism is inherently an enmeshed state of being. A narcissist requires enmeshment in any person they are in a relationship with. 

This is the only way they can maintain the relationship dynamic that they need.

Let me elaborate on why it is an enmeshed state of being to begin with.

More than anything else, the narcissist wants admiration, approval, and awe. 

But why is that so important to a narcissist?

It is so important to the narcissist because they do not actually have a healthy ego. They do not have a healthy sense of self or healthy self-esteem.

I know many people will say, "No, that is not true at all. The narcissist has a huge ego. The narcissist has enormous self-esteem." 

But actually, healthy self-esteem is not dependent on other people's constant admiration. It is not dependent on other people's opinions.

Yes, we all want others to like us. Most of us would like to be admired. We want people to think well of us, but it does not threaten our very sense of self if we do not get that.

Narcissists do not have a healthy enough ego to be able to accept that they have certain strengths and certain weaknesses. They cannot admit their faults. It is as if their entire sense of self would collapse if they are forced to face their imperfections.

The non-personality-disordered person can accept the fact that they have flaws. None of us like this. Most of us really dislike having to apologize. We do not like to admit we did something wrong. And we might turn to blame to avoid admitting fault. But the difference is that it is not urgently important to our internal sense of self.

For the narcissist, there is nothing else but getting that approval and admiration from others. This is why they are so sensitive to every criticism. It cannot be tolerated. Their very sense of self is dependent on other people's opinions. 

That means that their very sense of self is enmeshed with those around them.

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist or you are in one now, you know that the narcissist wants you focused on their emotional wellbeing. 

The emotional caretaking in a relationship with a narcissist goes in one direction—toward the narcissist.

The narcissist cannot tolerate not being the center of your attention and the center of the relationship.

Their well being is their top priority, and it needs to be yours as well.

WIthout these dynamics, the narcissist will not be able to maintain the relationship, at least not in its current format.

Hopefully, this helps you understand why healing your own enmeshment patterns will necessarily change the relationship with the narcissist, if not end it.

The narcissist will use emotional manipulation tactics to make you feel responsible for any negative emotion the narcissist is having—and to make you feel responsible for any negative behavior the narcissist engages in.

• "I better do this exactly as they like so they do not get angry" (trying to take care of somebody else's emotions, which is part of enmeshment)

• "I have to do all this perfectly" (in order to avoid being put down or worse by the narcissist)

Thinking that you are responsible for their behavior is enmeshment. Thinking you have to ack in a certain way to keep the narcissist's behavior reasonable is enmeshment,

Your own enmeshment can also show in terms of how much you care about what the narcissist thinks of you.

If you find yourself getting stuck in the pattern of trying to convince the narcissist that you did not mean to hurt them, that you were not in charge of whatever thing happened that got the narcissist upset—if you spend time and energy trying to convince the narcissist that you are a good person — that investment of time and energy is a sign of enmeshment.

We all want others to think we are nice. We all want others to admire us and like us. But if we are being unreasonably blamed for something, we can think to ourselves, "That is their problem, not mine." We can disconnect from it if we have healthy boundaries.

If an unreasonable person thinks badly of us, we can be ok. If feeling ok in this situation feels impossible, that is enmeshment.

A very common and often true saying is that other people's opinions are not about us.

However, with a narcissist, this is always true.

The narcissist's opinion of you will be in service to the narcissist maintaining their sense of self:

They can be vicious. They can know exactly which buttons to push and what names to call you. It is very unpleasant and sometimes dangerous to be on the receiving end of their hostility. But it is ONLY about whether or not they are getting what they want. It is not their true opinion. It is another manipulation tactic.

In order to heal your enmeshment, it is necessary to heal your negative core beliefs. The deepest ones probably developed in childhood. Some may have developed while an adult in relationship with a narcissist.

But these core beliefs—whether they are something like "my needs do not matter" or "I am not good enough"—will play into the narcissist relationship and the dynamic that the narcissist needs.

If you have not checked out my free PDF "Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs," you can download it here. I hear from many people that it was transformative for them. It helps you identify exactly what your negative core belief is, and it gives you three methods for overturning it. This is some of the deeper healing work that will improve your life overall.

As you probably know, I was a therapist for 20 years. Clients would often say to me, "I attract narcissists."

And actually, I don't think anyone "attracts" narcissists more than others.

There are two main differences: one is whether you are giving the narcissist what they want from the beginning, and the other is iwhether you listen to or ignore early warning signs

People who did not grow up with extreme enmeshed patterns usually do not stay in the relationship even if they enter it. They also may not immediately give the narcissist the awe and admiration they are looking for. And let me add a subtle point here - many people will be polite and attentive - even admiring - on an external basis. But internally they are listening with a sense of skepticism and perhaps as the conversation continues, revulsion.
 

However, it is also true that narcissists will "love bomb," whether romantically or even for a business relationship. They know how to flatter. They might initially seem to return the attention. This can be seductive for everyone.

The love bombing makes everything seem great. You are wonderful, they are wonderful, everything is great.

But then, as the relationship continues, little tiny glitches show up. Something goes wrong and the narcissist blames you.

Many people will think, "There is no way I should be blamed for that. That was the narcissist's choice, that was their behavior."

Yet people might also question themselves: "There must be a reason they think that. Let me talk to them more. Let me explain my side of things more."

At some point, the narcissist smooths over the confrontation.

But then it happens again. 

The more enmeshed a person is, the more they will think, "There must be a reason. I must have done something I was not aware of. Maybe I pushed a sore button in them." This person will give them the benefit of the doubt, time and again.

People who did not grow up with significant enmeshment will not buy into it. They will be much quicker to say, "No, that had nothing to do with me. You can take responsibility for that or not, but I am not taking responsibility for it."

If we grow up as the emotional caretaker of our families, we think it is our job to keep everybody else calm, happy, or functioning.

(I just did several videos and blogs on emotional parentification: the most empathetic child is given the role of emotional caretaker for one or both parents. This is a setup for enmeshment. You can view a video playlist on this here, or read this blog).

Enmeshment can show up as:

• Taking care of other people's emotions

• Feeling responsible for other people's behavior

• Feeling responsible for other people's happiness, anger, or other emotions

Healing your tendency towards enmeshment is possible. It does not mean you have to stap caring about others. We can care and be in relationship without accepting unacceptable behavior and without feeling responsible for fixing others.

Healthy boundaries foster mutually supportive relationships, and require healing enmeshment patterns.

Understanding that narcissists require enmeshment to maintain their relationships is liberating. It helps you see that:

• The problems in the relationship are not actually about your shortcomings

• The narcissist's opinion of you is a manipulation tactic, not a true reflection of who you are

• Healing your own enmeshment patterns is the key to freedom

• You cannot change the narcissist, but you can change your own responses

Remember, the goal is to heal so that you can have healthy, mutually supportive relationships throughout your life.