The Cognitive Distortion of Mind Reading
Barbara Heffernan • December 3, 2024
Mind Reading: A Cognitive Distortion that puts us into emotional spirals!
We actually have a bias in our brains that inclines us towards mind reading, that I’ll explain below.
In today's blog, I'll explain what mind reading is so you can identify whether or not you do it, which areas you do it in and even how much you do it. We're going to talk about why it's a problem, and then I'm going to give you some techniques to overcome it.
Mind reading can lead us into emotional spirals of anxiety, depression, anger or grief for no reason whatsoever, because our mind reading is usually not accurate.
Mind reading is basically assuming you know the other person's motivations and intent behind something they say or an action they take, when you haven't asked for clarification. You don't have all the information, but you are just going to jump to a conclusion that you know what that behavior meant or you know what that comment meant.
You might also be aware of when people do this to you. This happened to me recently, and it can really drive me nuts when people will jump to a conclusion about what my motivation is when they haven't asked any clarifying questions!
When we put our own interpretations on somebody else's words or behaviors, we're actually blocking our understanding of the other person. We're actually limiting our ability to get to know the person if it's someone we want to get to know. And then, as I said, we're also sending ourselves into a whole emotional rollercoaster, which is not necessary.
Let's talk about some examples.
A coworker who is usually pretty friendly with you just rushes by you, and then you don't see them for the next two days. You think you did something wrong. You think they are mad at you. Weeks later, you find out it had nothing to do with you. They were dealing with an intense emergency. Yet you personalized it using your “mind reading skills” to decide what the problem was.
Another example is you send a friend a text and they don't respond. You immediately think they're mad at you, or you think something terrible happened to them. And while thinking something terrible happened to them may not sound like mind reading because it's not interpreting their motivation or intention, it actually is mind reading because you're putting your own behavior onto what you are expecting from them.
So if you're somebody who responds to texts quickly and this other person sometimes does, but sometimes doesn't, when you jump to the above conclusions, you are assuming that they live by your rules. That would lead you to believe that if they could text back, they would. So therefore something must have happened to them.
So a slightly more detailed example that I think will help you understand the problems with mind reading is a client of mine who had recently become the number two person in an organization and it was a new position. The organization was run by the owner and he was creating this number two position so that he could both expand the business but then also pull back and not have to work so much. But my client was frequently frustrated because he felt like he was being micromanaged.
Sometimes the owner of the business would jump in and try to fix an issue before my client felt it was needed. And then sometimes the owner was talking directly to the people who were reporting to my client. My client was interpreting this as “He doesn't think I'm good enough. He doesn't think I'm strong enough. He's probably unhappy that he hired me.”
My client was beginning to look for another job. A contributing factor here is that my client did
feel overwhelmed by the job. He wasn't feeling super confident. And his mind reading was contributing to this lack of confidence.
However, when he actually sat down with his boss, his boss started to tell him how happy he was that he had hired him. The boss said he was very pleased with my client's performance. At that point, my client began to ask a few clarifying questions.
So what was really going on is that the boss had never before delegated some of these responsibilities to anyone else, He was used to running the business by himself. He also had direct relationships with the employees who used to report directly to them, and the boss wasn't following the protocols that would be in his own best interest. So it actually had nothing to do with my client.
If my client didn’t tend toward Mind Reading, and if he didn’t have an underlying belief of not being good enough, he would have addressed the problem directly. He could have gone to his boss and said, “Hey, I thought you wanted me to take care of this. I noticed you jumped in. Is this something you don't want me to take care of?"
If you can ask questions in an open way where you are not putting your assumptions and rules on the other person, you will get valuable information.
Another real life example is from when I would work with couples. This would happen frequently. One person in the coupleship would mention something that the other one was sensitive to. And then the one who was sensitive to that would get furious because they would assume that their spouse or partner had mentioned that just to get under their skin. They wouldn't ask a clarifying question such as, “Hey, I'm really sensitive about that topic. Can I ask you why you're bringing it up?” That question wouldn't happen.
They would just get furious. The spouse would maybe not even know why they were so furious. The spouse would feel unheard because they were probably trying to say something relevant and the whole thing would blow up into a fight that might not be resolved for days.
That mind reading of attaching a negative motivation to the other person causes a lot of problems in couples. In fact, I think it was one of the core issues creating problems for couples.
Let me know if those examples made sense, by commenting below! I’d love to know!
How Mind Reading Comes From Our Negative Core Belief(s)
Recurring themes underlie a lot of our cognitive distortions. These themes reflect our negative core beliefs. They underlie the way we distort the world. Our negative core beliefs lead to rules and assumptions about the way we should be, the way others should be, and the way the world should work.
So for the client I discussed above who who filled in the number two position, it was very clear that his negative core belief was some form of “I'm not good enough.”
It had formed very early in his life and it was a framework that he put on the world. Negative core beliefs are like a lens through which we see the world.
So when things didn't go the way the client thought they should go, he would feel ”I'm not good enough.”
[In case you haven’t accessed
my free PDF Transform your Negative Core Beliefs. I will link it here.Many people have found it extremely helpful in identifying their core negative belief, and in learning techniques to turn it into a positive adaptive belief]
Investigating and healing the negative core belief is the inner core work that facilitates changing our thoughts and feelings in the current day. Sometimes cognitive behavioral therapy techniques do not go deep enough.
Here is an example to illustrate this:
If I grew up with a belief that "other people's needs are more important than mine," that "my needs don't count," or maybe even "I don't count," then I probably develop some rules and assumptions about the world that I should take care of other people's needs first. I might also have an assumption that if I am a nice and responsible person, I can never say no. If somebody else says they need something (whether they actually need it or not), I should do it.
And therefore, if I have that rule and assumption about the world, then if somebody says no to me, I might jump to the conclusion they're not nice or they don't like me. Rather than understanding they might just have too many conflicts, and that they're practicing self-care, I will personalize it in a way that reflects my negative core belief.
The human brain has a bias that contributes to mind reading. And that bias is that we think that other people think the way we do. And when they don't think the way we do, we're always surprised.
Because of this, we also assume that other people have the same rules and assumptions that we have.
This is problematic because it blocks our ability to see reality.
I saw this as a huge problem in the clients that I worked with who were in relationship with somebody who had a personality disorder (narcissistic personality disorder, for example). The client would keep going over and over, “But how could he have done that?” “How could she do that? I would never do that. If X, Y, and Z were the circumstances, I would never do that. So I don't think they would've done it. So something must have happened that made them do that. Maybe it was me. Maybe I didn't do something right.”
They were always in this confusion and investigation, almost like a detective story, investigating what could it have been that caused the person to act that way when these were the circumstances?
With somebody who is personality disordered, my guidance was always to accept that their brain works differently than yours. They do not think with the same rules and assumptions.
So that is an extreme example of somebody whose mind doesn't work the way yours works, but just be careful that you're not applying your framework onto somebody else.
Help to Change Mind Reading
If you do a lot of mind reading, what can help?
Number one is to fully acknowledge that you do it. Know when you're doing it. You might feel that you have all sorts of evidence that supports your conclusion, but leave a bit of a question mark in there.
And then the next thing to do is to emotionally regulate. Because generally if something happens and we go into one of those spirals of mind reading, we're getting anxious, depressed or angry. Simply taking a moment to emotionally regulate is extremely helpful.
So diaphragmatically breathe, ground. Pay attention to what's around you in the moment. Feel your feet on the floor.
Once you feel somewhat more calm, come back to the situation and think through “What questions do I need to ask this person? What additional information do I need before I come to a conclusion?”
And then, the last step, is to ask those clarifying questions (if you can, obviously!).
Ask them in an open, curious way where you're not prejudging the responses.
And if you are not in a situation to ask, hold back from coming to a conclusion!
Let me know if this was helpful - I would love to know!
Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU. More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.
Share this with someone who can benefit from this blog!
Terrified to make eye contact? Constantly worried about what others think of you? You're not alone. These experiences are fairly common and often point to social anxiety disorder, which IS treatable. This blog explains this connection, provides treatment options and 3 self-help tools.
Interoceptive exposure can be transformative for people with somatic anxiety, specifically panic attacks, PTSD, OCD and health anxiety. Interoceptive exposure is a technique used within CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
If you view your emotions as something to be avoided, squashed or feared — you are activating your your amygdala, and setting off internal alarm bells. This makes everything worse. Research has shown there are six beliefs that drive emotional dysregulation. Which one is yours?
Emotional distress : its intensity and duration is driven by certain beliefs. Learn 3 tools to help regulate your emotions. This has substantial research behind it – and an expert explains.
The main thing that drives rumination is actually the BELIEFS we have about the FEELINGS that come up from a difficult situation. Rumination is driven by the habitual patterns of thinking combined with our judgments about whether we can handle the emotions, both of which can be changed to experience relief.
You can probably recall a time when you were with someone who was intensely anxious—and within minutes, you began to feel anxious yourself. Perhaps your heart rate increased. Your breathing became shallow. The knot in your stomach tightened. Or maybe you remember the opposite: a time when you were with someone who was truly grounded and calm, and their presence actually calmed you down. Your shoulders dropped. Your breathing deepened. The tension you had been carrying began to dissipate. This is not your imagination. This is emotional contagion, and it is scientifically proven. Understanding how your own emotional regulation—or lack thereof—impacts other people, and how other people's emotional states impact you, is essential for healthy relationships. Learning emotional regulation tools can improve your relationships significantly. Learning how to lower your susceptibility to emotional contagion can help as well. In this article, I will explain what emotional contagion is, how it impacts relationships, and provide five specific strategies for improving regulation in your own relationships. What Is Emotional Contagion? Emotions are contagious. Extensive research—both behavioral research and neuroscience—shows that we pick up the emotions of the people around us. The closer our relationship with them and the more invested we are in that relationship, the more this phenomenon occurs. This may not always feel accurate because we also tend to balance each other out. If someone is very upset, we might suppress our own emotions in response. But as I will explain, that suppression is actually part of the same dynamic. Three Pathways to Emotional Contagion There are three pathways that lead to emotional contagion: Pathway 1: Automatic Mimicry Unconsciously, when we see facial expressions in another person, we mimic them. If someone smiles, we tend to smile immediately. If someone frowns, we might make the same expression. This happens not just with facial expressions but also with voice, tone and body posture. Pathway 2: Autonomic Mimicry This involves our autonomic physiological system which works in synchrony with other people. Our heart rate, our breathing rhythm, and even our pupil dilation tend to mimic each other. Our nervous systems influence each other constantly. Pathway 3: Affective Convergence This is the convergence of feelings. When our facial expressions and body posture mimic another person's, and our physiological system aligns with theirs, we develop the same affective feelings. We end up experiencing a version of that emotion ourselves. The Suppression Trap: Why "Staying Calm" Can Make Things Worse If someone is extremely upset, you might calm way down. If this happens almost automatically, you are probably suppressing your emotions rather than regulating them. Extensive research shows that when one person suppresses their emotions, it actually makes the other person more anxious. And the person who is suppressing—while they might appear calm externally - is experiencing all the physiological signs and symptoms of anxiety or a heightened emotional state. Even when we are trying to be the balance in the room, we might actually be escalating the emotions present. This is particularly true for those who grew up parentified. Adults who were parentified as children often feel their emotional regulation is better than anyone else's in their families. While that might be true to some extent, without substantial self-awareness and genuine emotional regulation tools, you are likely using emotional suppression, not regulation. Where Emotional Regulation Patterns Come From The means by which you emotionally regulate—and whether you are highly regulated or highly dysregulated—is largely due to how you were raised. I am not saying this to assign blame, nor do I want you to spiral into worry about what you may have done to your own children. These are intergenerational patterns, and all we can do is work with the present. However, it can help to recognize that if you feel your own emotional regulation is lacking, you probably learned from dysregulated caregivers. If you have a partner who is very dysregulated, the same is likely true for them. This understanding allows us to remove blame and accusation from the discussion. We can approach this with compassion, recognizing that these are skills that should perhaps be taught in school or more seriously in our society—but they are not. The good news is that you can learn them now. Five Practical Tools to Improve Emotional Regulation in Your Relationships It truly is possible to improve your own emotional regulation and have a postiive impact on your relationships. These tools are helpful even for the partner that feels they are the one who is more emotionally regulated. And as a heads up, Tools 1 and 5 require substantial work - but gradual improvement is helpful! Tools 2, 3, and 4 are easier to implement immediately. Tool 1: Develop Your Emotional Boundaries Because emotional contagion is so strong—particularly if you grew up in a caretaker role in your family—it is important to begin recognizing when the emotions you are feeling are the ones you are absorbing from someone else. Begin to visualize a see-through bubble around you which represents you and your emotional boundary. Begin to think of your emotions as existing within that bubble. And picture another bubble around the other person - give it a light, see-through color. Picture that all their emotions are within their bubble. Differentiate between what you are feeling and what they are feeling. Bring in your observer brain to look at what you are feeling. For example... "Wait a second. I am feeling anxious because my partner is anxious about their interview tomorrow. What is my anxiety about?" You can begin to see whether your anxiety is about getting them to calm down so they can perform well in their interview. Perhaps you don't want them to be disappointed, or you have a vested interest in them getting a job. Once you understand why you are feeling anxious, you can apply tools to reduce your own anxiety, rather than focus on theirs. Because if we get anxious about making sure someone else is not anxious, it simply escalates the anxiety in the room. Part of developing emotional boundaries is understanding that other people's emotions are not ours to solve. We can be empathetic without feeling responsible for calming the other person down or changing their emotional state. Your observer brain can help you think through, "I do not have to convince them. I can recognize the impact their emotional state has on me, but I do not have to spiral into desperately trying to fix something I cannot fix." Tool 2: Use Your Breathing Deliberately If you learn diaphragmatic breathing and use it during difficult moments in relationships, you can keep your physiology within a tolerable range. In EMDR therapy, there is a concept of keeping your emotions within a "window of tolerance." They can still fluctuate, but you remain relatively regulated throughout. Diaphragmatic breathing is a powerful way to help yourself do that. When you breathe in a calm, regular manner, it is actually helpful to the other person as well. Your regulated physiology can support theirs. Tool 3: Establish a Guideline for Taking Breaks Put in place for yourself a boundary about taking a break from a conversation if you become too emotionally dysregulated. What typically happens in couple relationships (and I saw this extensively during 20 years of couples counseling) is that one person is visibly out of control upset, and the other says, "We need to take a break until you calm down" (and there's usually a finger point that goes along with the "you"). Generally, this escalates the emotions in the room. In actuality, even if you are the one who appears less upset externally, you are probably very physiologically activated internally. There is a marriage and family therapist and researcher who has a rule: if your pulse rate is 10% above its normal resting rate ), you need to take a break. ( John Gottman, PhD, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ) The problem with telling the other person they need a break to calm down is that it will make things worse. It feels like criticism and attack. It makes someone defensive. It increases their fight-flight-freeze response. Instead, say: "I am having a hard time regulating myself in this moment. Can we take a 10-minute break? I will be right back. I just need 10 minutes to do some slow breathing. We can set our alarm." You must put a time frame on it. Take a five-minute break, a 10-minute break, or if you are extremely dysregulated, revisit the conversation in the morning. Without a time frame, the other person will feel abandoned, which escalates their emotional dysregulation. You may also be feeding into your flight mode—your reactive pattern of running away from conflict. Set the boundary for yourself, not for the other person: "If I get too upset, I will take a mini timeout to calm myself down." I recognize this does not work in every situation. You cannot simply walk away from a young child. But you can incorporate this thinking to develop creative strategies of your own. Tool 4: Validate Before You Fix or Problem-Solve One of the most regulating things you can do for someone else is help them feel truly heard. Acknowledging their emotional experience before moving to "let's fix this and problem-solve" will de-escalate their emotional response and prevent the conversation from escalating out of control. I know I said you are not in charge of their emotional regulation—and you are not. However, knowing strategies that benefit the relationship benefits you. These are basic relational tools. If you have a partner who has difficulty validating your emotions, and you are emotionally regulated, you can say: "I am very upset about this, but I do not want to jump into problem-solving. I simply want to feel heard." There is an element where we sometimes have to help train people how to be in relationship with us. If you are in couples counseling with a therapist facilitating this, excellent. But if you are not, sometimes it helps to explain these concepts to your partner. Let them know what will help you calm down when you are upset. You might have to remind them, and I know that takes substantial emotional regulation on your part. But honestly, that is the big picture here: the best thing you can do for your relationships with others—as well as your relationship with yourself—is learn emotional regulation tools. Tool 5: Practice Honest, Regulated Communication This can be understood as assertive communication that is also compassionate. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I understand. These concepts can seem complex and somewhat unattainable. I have an online boundary program that addresses emotional regulation as the foundation for healthy boundaries. It includes an exercise on visualizing emotional boundaries to strengthen that skill, and an entire section on assertive communication so you can set and maintain boundaries. Healthy boundaries are not about keeping people away or controlling other people's behavior. Healthy relationships actually require good boundaries. Good boundaries are about knowing yourself—where you end and the other person begins—and knowing it is acceptable for you to have needs. Compassionate, assertive expression of whatever needs to be communicated will help the relationship. It can be done in a way that supports your own emotional regulation and possibly helps the other person—or at minimum, does not contribute to escalation. Suppressing your own emotions and needs will escalate the negative cycle of conversation. This is not about suppression. It is definitely not about lashing out, exploding, or releasing everything you have been suppressing because you are angry and frustrated. If you have taken that timeout when needed, if you have been aware ("my heart rate is way up; I am in fight-flight-freeze mode"), you will not reach that explosion point because you will have taken your break and calmed down. All these steps are interrelated. Expressing what you feel in a regulated manner keeps you in connection with the other person. Remember: it is not just what you say but how you say it, and even how you are feeling when you say it. A statement like "I am feeling overwhelmed right now with too much to do" will enable you to stay in connection far more effectively than exploding because your partner has not done what they were supposed to do. Anytime we explode with attack or criticism, we contribute to emotional dysregulation in the room. Bringing It All Together Consciously keep track of your own emotional regulation Visualize your emotional boundary Use breathing techniques to stay within your window of tolerance, aware that you might need to take a mini timeout for yourself if you cannot stay within that window Validate the other person's feelings, emotions, and experience. Pay attention to: "This is me and my emotions, and that is them and theirs." Practice assertive communication which includes compassion for yourself and the other person This is not easy work. I know that. But what I want you to understand is that emotional contagion is real, and there are tools you can use to work with it. You can understand the other person without fully absorbing their emotional state. We are not individual emotional islands. Each one of us impacts those around us. Let me be very clear: Impacting others is not the same as causing their emotions or being responsible for their emotions. They are not responsible for ours. We are responsible for our own emotions and what we do with them. Yet there is this framework of interconnectedness among us, and knowing how to work with it can improve your life and your relationships significantly. Please share in the comments if you found this valuable. What resonated with you? What questions do you have?
Said yes but regret it? This blog provides scripts for How to Say NO After You Said YES. You can change your answer gracefully and stop people-pleasing.
Is it risky to stop worrying about your health? Or is the anxiety the main problem? Here's why health anxiety itself may be the problem—and how to recover.
Anxiety Recovery requires somatic techniques and cognitive techniques and two pieces that are frequently missing from the discussion: the observer brain and behavioral change. Learn the complete approach to help anxiety.
Most people use logic in a way that backfires for anxiety. They try to dismiss the problem instead of classify it. Learn the RIGHT way to use logic to help anxiety.
