The 5 Reasons People-Pleasers Are Indecisive

Barbara Heffernan • May 1, 2024

The 5 Reasons People Pleasers are Indecisive


Many people who consider themselves “people-pleasers” feel frustrated with their indecision. In fact, their difficulty making decisions is intricately tied to the underlying impulses, habits and beliefs of a “people-pleaser.” This blog will help you understand why your people-pleasing might be getting in the way of your ability to feel confident in your decision-making.

Perhaps you have found yourself with these circular thoughts:

  • What should I do?
  • If I pick that option, what will they think of me?
  • But if I do what they want, I don’t think I’ll be happy.
  • But, no one cares if I’m happy.
  • Will those people be happy or will they be disappointed?
  • What if I make the wrong choice?
  • What if people don't like the choice I made?
  • What if I get criticized?
  • ·What if they get mad at me?

 

If you're a people pleaser, you were trained very early to pay more attention to what other people want, need, and value than to your own needs, wants and beliefs.

You learned to prioritize making other people happy over yourself. And you might also have learned that it's super important for people to like you.

And these habits become so ingrained that once you are an adult, it is all so automatic, you might barely be aware of it!

These habits can lead to a very hard time making decisions, and this blog will explain why. Knowing why will make it easier for you to begin to shift how you think about the decisions you are making.

#1 Reason People-Pleasers Are Indecisive

The focus on making others happy impacts decision making in a couple of different ways.

Primarily, it is important to recognize that it is impossible to make other people happy. Now, sometimes people will let us know in a very strong way what decision would make them happy. But honestly, it may or may not make them happy.

 

Secondly, their happiness is not only their responsibility, and not yours, but it is truly out of your control.

Now, I'm not saying we shouldn't be nice to people, and, of course, we do influence others.  But if we think that our decisions are going to determine whether somebody is happy or not, we are focusing on something we are powerless over. In my free webinar called Rewire Your Brain I talk about how people pleasing is a Sisyphean task.

 

And, if you are thnking right now, “Well, I do know how to make someone happy,” you are not alone! I heard this from many of the clients I had who were emotionally parentified. They received a lot of positive reinforcement for ignoring their own needs and trying to “fix” the emotions of a caregiver.

And, yes, temporarily, you can influence someone’s mood. But just as Sisyphus would feel he was making progress getting that boulder uphill, the second he got up there, it rolled back down. You were not able to fix your caregiver’s [fill in the blank: depression, rage, alcoholism, etc.]. The in-the-moment success you might have felt was not going to accomplish what you really wanted… and nothing else you could do would fix it either.


#2 Reason People-Pleasers Are Indecisive

Most people pleasers that I have known have a very misguided concept of what selfishness means. In my psychotherapy practice (and I also have personal experience with this when I’ve been in a ‘people-pleasing’ mode!), the people who tended towards people pleasing would always be worried:

 

“Well, if I do that, is it selfish?”

“I don't want to be selfish.”
“I don't want to make a choice that’s selfish.”
“But I’ll be called selfish.”


We are taught what selfishness means in the same households that we grew up in, where we learned to put other people's opinions, beliefs, needs, and wants ahead of ours.

 

One of the best definitions of selfish that I've ever heard is that you are selfish when you aren't doing what the other person wants.

 

So unfortunately, in certain families and certain family systems, children can be taught that it's selfish if they're not doing what the caregiver wants. This is less damaging if the caregiver is a “good-enough” parent (though I’d recommend different language than using the word "selfish"). But if the caregiver is needy, immature, narcissistic, or even just overwhelmed with all their other responsibilities, this can negatively impact the child’s self-esteem and impede the child’s ability to develop healthy boundaries and healthy self-care.

 

I'm not saying that children don't have to do sometimes what the caregiver wants. It is often necessary for the functioning of the household, the safety of the child, the good of the family. But a child’s resistance to doing what the caregiver wants is likely related to normal childhood development, not selfishness.

·     Children have limited impulse control.

·     They do not have the ability to plan as far forward as an adult.

·     They can not assess risk adequately.

 

But none of this is related to selfishness. It is related to the fact that the human frontal lobe doesn’t fully developed until about age twenty-five!

 

So, adults, hopefully, particularly if they're basically a good parent, need to provide guidance and structure and all sorts of things, right? But to attribute a child's resistance to the guidance to selfishness is very different than attributing it to the fact that children don't think as far forward as a parent does.

 

#3 Reason People-Pleasers Are Indecisive

 

Prioritizing our desire that others like us is going to keep us in a spinning loop of thoughts. A key thing to realize is that it is impossible to make everyone like us! (Yes, similar to how it is impossible to make others happy!)

 

Trying to suss out what someone else wants or would like is engaging in an Agatha Christie plot for every simple decision, yet it isn’t as fun!

Not everybody's going to like us. And, often, whether others like us or not has nothing to do with us. People have all sorts of preconceived notions and prejudgments. They may not like themselves or they may not like a quality in themselves that they think they see in you, or they see something in you that they wish they had. People like us or don't like us for all sorts of reasons.

 

It's normal to want to be liked. We all want to be liked, but prioritizing it over our own needs, and maybe even our own values, is unlikely to lead to a happy life. (And I do talk about this a lot more in my YouTube videos and other blogs on people pleasing).

 

So the next two reasons get to the core of the issue.


#4 Reason People Pleasers are Indecisive

 

When you are trained to be a people pleaser, you lose touch with your own wants, needs, and desires. You lose touch with how you feel. You might even feel that you were never in touch with your own feelings.

If, since the time you can remember, you were focused on what other people were feeling, you don't develop your own ability to know what you feel. If you don't know what you feel, how do you know what you want? If you don't know how you feel, how do you know what you value?

 

If you are confused about what is selfish and what is not, you will have a hard time understanding the difference between wants and needs – yours and others.

 

In relationships, we do sometimes have to sacrifice our wants for other people’s needs. And in some cases, we do have to sacrifice our needs for other people’s needs (when we parent a young child, for example!).

 

But if the other person is an able-bodied adult, it generally does not make sense for us to sacrifice our needs for their wants.

 

Needs vary from survival-based needs (to eat, sleep, rest, have shelter), all the way up to higher level needs such as self-actualization and living in alignment with your values. Yes, it is ok to think of those as needs for yourself! Those are components required for a happy life, and you're the only one who can do that for yourself. Other people are the only ones who can do it for themselves.

So the confusion around selfishness makes it impossible to have healthy boundaries and to know what you need, want, desire or value. And without those components, how can you make good decisions?

 

#5 Reason People Pleasers are Indecisive

 

Decision-making requires an understanding of one’s values and goals.

 

Most of the time that we have trouble making a decision, it is because our values are in conflict. So if a people pleaser values making somebody else happy, that will often conflict with their other values, whether those values are self-care, or achieving more at work, or working less, or…

 

How does one weigh the different options? There's a conflict.

 

We have value conflicts all the time. They do make life complicated, but they are a reality.

Spending time really understanding what you value and how you rank them is a wonderful exercise to not only improve decision-making, but to understand yourself better and move toward a more empowered way of thinking.

 

Taking the time to think through your goals is also critical. What are your goals? What does self-actualization mean for you?

 

One of my online programs, Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence, has helped numerous self-proclaimed “people-pleasers” move to a more empowered way of living, which continues to incorporate compassion and kindness for others. We don’t have to give those things up. We just need to:

  • Be clear on what is our responsibility, and what is someone else’s (boundaries)
  • Heal the negative core beliefs that are developed when we are young which drive our behavior and feelings of low self-worth.
  • Clarify for ourselves what our values are and how we want to live them out.

Let me know what you thought of this blog! Do you agree? Disagree? Comment below! And if you have any questions, please post them below.

Other blogs you might be interested in:
7 Signs of a People-Pleaser, Were You Parentified as A Child?, Is It Anxiety or Intuition?

Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU.  More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.

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By Barbara Heffernan April 29, 2025
Sometimes is seems that anxiety runs in families, but not everybody has it. Other times, someone might have anxiety when no one else in their family does. In this article, I will discuss the current state of research regarding whether anxiety is genetic and inherited. I will also address whether this knowledge matters, and if it does, why it matters. The role genetics plays varies by specific anxiety disorder. Toward the end of this article, I will provide a summary of current research findings for generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, specific phobias, agoraphobia, and social anxiety disorder—the five anxiety disorders that primarily apply to adults in the DSM-5-TR. I will also include obsessive-compulsive disorder because, while it's no longer classified as an anxiety disorder, many readers ask about OCD, and there is significant overlap. Before examining specific disorders, it's important to understand the research methodology and findings in general terms. I'll break down concepts like familial aggregation and concordance rates in twin studies to provide an accessible and understandable overview. The Science Behind Anxiety and Genetics Anxiety is a common human experience. However, it becomes a disorder when it is excessive, interferes with daily life, or impacts overall functioning or happiness. Anxiety disorders are prevalent—research shows that up to a third of the population will experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their life. Family history and genetics are definite risk factors, but they are not determinants. There is no gene for any anxiety disorder that directly causes the condition . Overall, family conditioning, family history, and genetics can be viewed as influences that increase the likelihood of developing a disorder, but they are not determinative. Understanding the Research Methods When researchers observe anxiety disorders clustering within families, this is called "familial aggregation." Research indicates that having anxiety in a first-degree relative can increase your risk of developing an anxiety disorder anywhere between three and 17 times compared to someone without that family history. However, families influence us in many ways. We learn from our parents' behavior, we mimic others' coping mechanisms, and we adopt patterns of behavior from those around us. These behaviors can be passed down through generations without necessarily indicating a genetic link. To determine whether anxiety truly has a genetic component, researchers often turn to twin studies. A common method involves comparing incidence rates between identical twins (who share exactly the same genetic structure) with fraternal twins (who are as genetically different as any two siblings). Most siblings share approximately 50% of the same genes, while identical twins share 100%. For clarity when reading research, it's helpful to know that identical twins are called "monozygotic," and fraternal twins are called "dizygotic"—terminology that can make research studies confusing for non-specialists. In research literature, you might encounter sentences like this regarding obsessive-compulsive disorder in twins: "There is a concordance rate of 0.57 for monozygotic versus 0.22 for dizygotic twins." To break this down for you, this sentence means that if you're an identical twin and your twin has OCD, you have a 57% chance of having that disorder, whereas if you're a fraternal twin and your twin has OCD, you have a 22% chance of having it. The concordance rate represents the likelihood that one twin will have the anxiety disorder if the other twin has it. Since OCD appears approximately twice as common in identical twins, this suggests a significant genetic contribution. However, it's important to note that even in identical twins, there remains a 43% chance that the other twin won't develop OCD. The Role of Epigenetics To summarize, most anxiety disorders appear to have both genetic and familial links, yet other factors play a very important role. These additional factors include the environment you grew up in, the environment you are in now, specific life experiences, and epigenetics. Epigenetics refers to environmental factors or life experiences that trigger gene expression. Epigenetic factors play a crucial role in determining whether particular genes become activated. This principle applies across many conditions, not just mental health disorders. The developing field of epigenetics highlights an important truth: our genes do not determine our destiny. Does It Matter If Anxiety Is Inherited? This brings us to the question: Does it matter whether anxiety was inherited through family behavior or genetics? I believe this information can be a double-edged sword. In my work as a psychotherapist, I've observed that when individuals focus on their belief that their disorder is genetic, they often believe nothing can be done about it. They adopt the mindset: "I inherited this; I will always have it." If this belief prevents someone from seeking help, or doing the work needed to recover, then awareness of genetic components may not be beneficial... because regardless of the cause, anxiety is treatable . Many people can achieve full recovery, and most others can experience significant improvement. In terms of treatment approaches, the specific trigger or genetic predisposition matters less than commitment to recovery. While you might face additional challenges with family patterns of anxiety or intergenerational trauma, recovery remains possible. Whether the source was trauma or generational stress, effective tools and techniques exist. On the positive side, understanding the inherited aspects of anxiety can help people avoid feeling defective. It reduces self-blame for having an anxiety disorder. When we understand anxiety in the context of its prevalence in the general population and its presence in family histories, this understanding fosters self-compassion. And self-compassion, in turn, aids healing. An additional benefit of knowing about familial risk is the potential for earlier treatment seeking. Earlier intervention, particularly for panic disorder, correlates with better outcomes. S pecific Anxiety Disorders and Their Genetic Components Here's a summary of research findings for specific anxiety disorders: **Generalized Anxiety Disorder: Research indicates approximately a six-fold increase in the likelihood of developing generalized anxiety disorder if you have a first-degree relative with the condition. Twin studies suggest genetics contribute about 30% to GAD development. Researchers exploring specific genes associated with anxiety disorders have identified a potential link to a gene called RBFOX1, though this research remains preliminary and inconclusive. **Panic Disorder: Research shows a wide range in family aggregation odds ratios. If a family member has panic disorder, you are between three and 17 times more likely to develop it yourself. This wide range limits specific predictive value, but clearly indicates increased risk. Some genetic studies have identified a possible link to the NPSR1 gene for panic disorder. However, anxiety disorders are generally considered polygenic, meaning they involve multiple genetic regions. **Specific Phobias: Research on specific phobias varies considerably, with family influence accounting for approximately 30% to 60% of risk. This variability likely stems from the diversity of specific phobia types and triggers. **Social Anxiety Disorder: Twin studies show an inheritability rate of around 27% due to genetic components. A family history of any anxiety disorder increases the likelihood of developing social anxiety. **Agoraphobia: While not discussed in detail, agoraphobia is one of the five main anxiety disorders in adults mentioned earlier. Research indicates family history plays a role in agoraphobia development. **Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: As discussed previously, twin studies suggest a significant genetic component in OCD. The likelihood of developing OCD if a family member has the condition increases dramatically if that person developed OCD in childhood. Childhood onset of any anxiety disorder increases the chance of genetic transmission, but this effect is particularly pronounced with OCD. 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I encourage you to watch the webinar and seek help if you're struggling with anxiety—effective treatments exist. This article covers more technical material than my usual content, so I am interested in your feedback. My next video and article with address "Why do I have anxiety?"—a common question I receive. Many wonder why they experience anxiety while their siblings don't, whether it's genetic or behavioral. That forthcoming article will explore the various causes of anxiety beyond heretability. How has understanding the genetic components of anxiety affected your perspective on your own experience? I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts in the comments below.
By Barbara Heffernan April 9, 2025
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Understanding the Fawn Response The Fawn response is a behavior developed in childhood, often connected to complex trauma. It could even be little "t" traumas on an ongoing basis, where as a child, you learned to subjugate yourself to the caregiver in order to stay in relationship and survive. This becomes a deeply ingrained survival behavior which can become habitual. As you grow up, it gets applied to all situations. This blog will go through nine components required for healing. - The first three focus on internal work - The next three are more practical, action-oriented techniques - The last three address deeper psychological work Internal Work (Components 1-3) # 1. Recognize that fawning developed because it was necessary at the time Understand that fawning was a survival strategy, and it might have been the very best choice available to you. It may also have been, in many ways, the only choice. Even today as adults, there are situations where choosing a fawning-type behavior might actually be the best choice. This is important to understand because we don't want to eliminate this response entirely—we want to get to the point where it's not an automatic go-to reaction. Instead, we want to reach a place where you can consciously think, "I'm choosing to do this right now." Acknowledging that this developed as a survival strategy helps prepare you for the next two components. [ For more information on what the fawn response is and why it developed, read this blog] # 2. Begin to acknowledge and validate your own feelings If you grew up in an environment where you learned to fawn, my guess is that not only were your caregivers not paying attention to your feelings, but you also had to subjugate your own feelings to the point where you weren't aware of what you were feeling. As an adult, it's necessary to begin recognizing and identifying your emotions: "I'm feeling angry" or "sad" or "frustrated" or "irritated." Begin to acknowledge and even verbalize what you're feeling. The simple act of labeling your emotion calms down your fight-flight-freeze response and increases activity in the areas of the brain that help you solve problems. There is research that shows this happening via fMRIs! # 3. Practice self-compassion Understanding why this behavior developed can help you practice self-compassion. Changing these behaviors is hard and takes time. If you find yourself automatically fawning and later yelling at yourself, try not to do that—you're basically re-traumatizing yourself for a behavior you learned for survival. Instead, try noting it with self-compassion: "Interesting, I fell into that pattern again." And then connect this to the next step by adding, "I fell into that pattern again because of this situation." Observe with compassion rather than judgment. Practical Tools (Components 4-6) # 4. Identify situations that trigger fawning behavior Notice which situations trigger your fawning behavior. As you review these situations, see if there are patterns similar to those you experienced as a child. They may reflect situations that were emotionally or physically dangerous, or that created a rift between you and your caregivers. Identifying these situations helps you understand what patterns became embedded in your emotional brain. As you observe these patterns, bring in self-compassion and that observer mindset. This approach is much more productive than criticizing yourself. As you identify these patterns, you can connect them to current situations: "This situation at work with a difficult authority figure is recreating this childhood pattern for me." You are bringing in your frontal lobe to analyze the emotional reaction, which helps you realize, "That was threatening to my very existence when I was a child, but it is not threatening to my existence right now." This recognition is crucial because automatic fawning behaviors come from a need to survive immediate danger. The uncertainty of longer-term consequences (like losing a job) might be problematic, but it's not an immediate survival threat. Differentiating between then and now helps calm your fawn response. # 5. Keep a journal to track people-pleasing behaviors Keep a journal for 30 days. Journal on this question: "Did I say or do something today to please someone else that was at my own expense?" As you review the events of each day, you might realize, "I didn't do it this situation, but I did do it in those five situations." Again, maintain self-compassion with no judgment—just observe and be aware this will take time. This question gets at the heart of the issue: What did you do today that ignored your own values or needs in order to stay in relationship with someone else, avoid criticism, or prevent rejection? Verbalizing this through an audio journal or writing it down utilizes different parts of your brain that help you comprehensively understand what's happening. # 6. Practice emotional regulation tools daily Implement diaphragmatic breathing, grounding exercises, or any techniques that calm your physiology. Practice these regularly, not just in the middle of triggering events. You can weave these practices throughout your day. Set an alarm for three different times during the day, and when it goes off, simply take three deep diaphragmatic breaths. No one needs to know you're doing it—you can do it anywhere, and it's free. While it might not feel immediately helpful, you're stimulating a different part of your nervous system that helps you realize, "In this situation, it would not be life-threatening if the relationship were severed. I'm not in a situation where my immediate survival is at stake." When you feel safe enough, your normal breathing pattern will naturally be diaphragmatic. It's all a feedback loop—a body-based technique that communicates to the rest of your brain. The fawn response is differentiated from the fight-flight-freeze response. Sometimes they're grouped together, but I think it's more useful to separate them (I'll cover this topic in the future if you're interested—let me know in the comments). The fawn response uses different parts of the nervous system and brain because it's largely about staying in connection with others. That said, knowing whether your underlying response is fight, flight, or freeze beneath the fawn behavior can be helpful. People who fawn typically have either a flight response (wanting to run away) or a freeze response. Fighters rarely develop the fawn response. I recently created videos and blogs about calming the fight-flight-freeze response that might be useful for you. Deeper Work (Components 7-9) # 7. Recognize your negative core beliefs Identify what beliefs developed when you were young that led you to fawn, and what beliefs developed as a result of fawning. A common belief for people who fawn is "my needs don't matter," or even " I don't matter." Other common beliefs include "I'm not good enough," or "I'm powerless." A general feeling of being in danger is also common. Identifying these negative core beliefs and beginning to use tools to rewire them is extremely helpful. [I have a free PDF that helps you identify these beliefs and learn tools to rewire them. You can find it by clicking here ]. # 8. Learn to recognize and separate from limiting thoughts Notice when your behavior is driven by your negative core beliefs, whether you're fawning or not. You might operate from these beliefs almost all the time, even when not actively people-pleasing. Begin to separate yourself from these thoughts. Not all of our thoughts are true. Not all of our beliefs are true. We can "diffuse" from our thoughts by using our observer mind: "Interesting, I'm thinking that again, but I know it isn't necessarily true." A helpful technique is to "practice as if." If you feel like your needs don't matter, pretend that they do matter. Ask yourself, "What would I do right now if my needs mattered?" You can practice this approach in small ways. Your behavior, even if it is coming from a place of pretense, will actually begin to rewire these beliefs. # 9. Establish healthy boundaries I've placed this component last because establishing healthy boundaries isn't simply about saying "no." 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The program helps you: develop the emotional regulation you need to begin to set boundaries identify and heal the negative core beliefs that are driving unhealthy boundaries learn assertive communication (as opposed to passive or aggressive) understand how to set boundaries and consequences and begin to do so! (For more info on the boundary program, click here) Learning assertive communication is essential because people with fawn patterns often use passive communication. Assertive communication represents the middle ground between passive and aggressive communication. It embodies the principle "I'm okay, you're okay." Many people who fawn misinterpret assertive communication as aggressive, and since they don't want to be like their aggressive abuser, they default to passive communication. But there is a healthy middle ground. As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts and questions—please comment below. I truly hope this is helpful, and I'll see you next week.
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