Although enmeshment and dependence are commonly mistaken for one another, the two are actually very different!

To be enmeshed is to be entangled, or trapped in a web. So if you’re in an enmeshed relationship or family system, it can be hard to know which emotions are yours. You may feel responsible for others feelings or outcome, even though they are fully grown and capable of taking care of themselves. 😬

Enmeshment is really about not having healthy boundaries, and boundaries are really about knowing where we end and where the other person begins, what we are responsible for and what the other person is responsible for. 

Dependence generally refers to a state in which someone relies on or is influenced by something or someone else. In the context of relationships, dependence may manifest as one person relying heavily on another emotionally, financially, or in various other aspects of life. Some dependence in a relationship is actually a good thing. ✅

When you’re in an enmeshed relationship or family unit, you’re stuck in a persona or role and are only able to show one side of who you are, which can be very harmful becasue we are complex beings– not just roles! 🧘

Now, let's put this knowledge to the test. Can you guess who's enmeshed in the following scenarios?

Scenario 1: Suzy

Suzy, the family organizer, financial advisor, and caregiver for everyone. She may seem independent, but deep down, she believes her role is to take care of the family, and they rely on her to do so. Answer: Suzy is enmeshed. She plays multiple roles and feels responsible for the well-being of the entire family, blurring healthy boundaries.

Scenario 2: Sarah

Sarah, the teenage listener for her dad's problems, who feels guilty when not around. Is it her responsibility, or is her dad enmeshed in relying on her emotional support? Answer: Both Sarah and her dad are enmeshed. Her dad relies on her for emotional support, and Sarah feels responsible for his well-being, blurring the boundaries between parent and child.

Scenario 3: Serena

Serena, upset about her boyfriend's nights out, leading to lies and secrecy. Is she enmeshed in her need for control, or is the boyfriend hiding parts of himself to maintain the relationship? Answer: The boyfriend is enmeshed. He lies and hides parts of himself to keep Serena close. Serena's reaction is a response to the boyfriend's behavior, but it doesn't necessarily indicate enmeshment.

Scenario 4: Sam

Sam, distraught about his wife in the ICU, neglecting his own needs. Is it a normal reaction to a crisis, or is he enmeshed in taking on more than he can handle? Answer: Sam is in a crisis, not necessarily enmeshed. His extreme emotional reaction is a normal response to a critical situation, and he's not necessarily blurring boundaries.

Hopefully these examples helped you to understand the difference between enmeshment and dependence, and you can apply your knowledge to your situation. And if it seems like you are struggling with enmeshment, I invite you to take my boundary personality quiz so you can identify your boundary personality type and begin to live your life to the fullest.